Friday, August 15, 2003

I must have been crazy. To allow you to piss me off, making me piss my friend off with my gross attitude and eventually we all got mad together. Anger. Grief. Fear. Imagine all these emotions surging up inside me almost simultaneously, i almost dug a hole and bury myself inside. The incessant tears just came without any signal, and they were contagious too. Truly sorry to you who've cried and whom i've pissed off , to you guys whom i've shocked. Thanks too. (don't worry ivy i'll continue calling you my foxy dearie) I'll never forget that tear-stained route, or that melodramatic scene that would resurface the minute i stepped my foot upon that route every other time. It was almost a comical sight, filled with tears and laughters. I can't even believe it all happened. And with a twist and a turn, we were all back to our normal crazy selves.

Oh wells. Went Bukit Timah Market with huimin, jillian and meilin for a smashin' good feast! Silly foxy had some church thingy. We shared an enormous plate of fried rice, a delicious plate of stingray (i love stingray!!), several piping hot satays, disappointing guo tie and deep fried ngoh hiang. There was a period of time when silence just filled the whole table as everybody were busily plucking out scraps of stingray meat and gobbling up mouthfuls of fried rice. It was so comical! And we laughed so crazily as we were engaged in this really shitty topic. 'Nuff said already. Food and friends always seems to cheer me up somehow.

No matter how bad a day can get, as long as it ends well, i always deem this day a good one. Funny, but that's just me. And i shall go to bed a happy girl tonighht. :)

painted my heart at 11:04 p.m.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

I nearly cried when henghui described the whole airport scene to me when the twins left, or when i read david's note to him. I know this has to come.

What is friendship? Go out together, celebrate birthdays, laugh at your nonsense your fairness (muahaha) your short memory span, talk about everything under the sun, try to be there for you, while you've been there for me, share all our problems and secrets, seeing each other through thick and thins, silently wishing the best come what may. That is what you are - a true friend, an angel from above, a gift from God. That is how big a portion you hold in my life, and it's unfair that you're gonna take it away. I want to remember every single bit we've done, yet forget the fact that you're leaving this place. My heart writhed in pain as each day passed, knowing i'm one step towards finding myself at the airport, with tears flowing down my cheeks and probably catching the last glimpse of you, your last hug from me.

You show me what's genuine friendship.

For you, my friend, i paint this black across my heart.

painted my heart at 09:33 p.m.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

I am truly addicted to squash! I was really planning to go home and sleep after eating at Coro and coming back school as meilin needed to handle some stuff. In the end, I was so tempted to play squash! Meilin was good despite being a first timer! Her classmate from tennis was even more superb. Woohoo. We played for 2 hours straight and i felt that my right arm has grown bigger already! Arghs, the difference in size between my two hands is getting really obvious. Yay, i've found a new hobby and another squash partner besides sinhui! :D

I thought today was gonna be the earliest time i'll reach home. It just seems so easy to cast studies aside. Sighs.

painted my heart at 09:02 p.m.

Sunday, August 10, 2003

I am b u r n i n g! Sentosa was scorching hot yesterday, and crowds littered almost every part of the beach. The last thing i want to hear on monday is people telling me i've grown darker! :/ Szuyu and I were much more thrifty as we only bought a few food items and a Big Gulp. I recalled us buying twenty bucks worth of food the last time we came, and although we always proved ourselves to be hopeless gluttons, we didnt finish everything we bought. She made her hair a total comical sight yesterday! Her long hair, when much water was squeezed out, could stand and look like a dangerous shark as she swam. Wahaha! Her fortune telling card game thingamajig, which zhangpei tried on me last year during snbt chalet, was so accurate. It worked twice! Oh wells, does it mean i've gotta resign to my fate?

I couldnt help but to praise Alan, my xiao di, for his outstanding performance as he sang Jay Chou's yi fu zhi ming so well during ktv on friday! It's a really difficult song to sing by the way.

If dreams reflect what my heart speaks, i had rather my heart torn asunder, plagued with nightmares of a thousand snakes than to let such emptiness tread on my dreams and play on my tender emotions.

painted my heart at 10:56 a.m.

Thursday, August 7, 2003

I love to pour test tubes containing chemicals of different colors into the sink during washup time, and watch as the lovely patch of swirling colors form.

Apart from that, i totally detest practicals.

i almost went crazy playing crazy ten and the name game with meilin, sanduo and siongqun today. In fact, we all did! These games always remind me of the faithians, snbt and slackers, where we would indulge in these games and laugh our days away. I need to go back st nicks soon. i've been craving for orange bowl, fried wonton, chicken wings, yu pian mian xian, donggujisihefen [haha boon and chel will understand this], iced milo and manyyy more!

painted my heart at 11:59 p.m.

Wednesday, August 6, 2003

It just didnt seem right to allow herself to be the center of his scrutiny. Everday, her mind struggled to churn out reasons and excuses for her nonchalence, but they just got thrown away. She don't even understand herself anymore. He thought this was easy, because he don't see her heart getting cut away bit by bit. She thought this was easy, but she appeared stronger than she was. And the tears wouldnt flow, because there's nothing to be sad about. She couldnt grieve, over a heart that dont belong to her.

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

- Sylvia Plath's Mad Girl's Love Song

painted my heart at 08:07 p.m.

Tuesday, August 5, 2003

Some things as seen on the surface are often miscontrued and far different from their true meaning. Maybe there wasnt enough candour between us that led to the rise of misunderstandings. It's scary the way little black thoughts and feelings mount up inside like a bomb that can spark off anytime. But i'm so glad things work out the right way. I hadnt told you that i enjoyed your company. I hadnt said that you hold a big part of my life. I hadnt expressed my gratitude for you being there whenever i need someone. And now that i did, i hope i've made things clearer, my friend. :)

Some may beg to differ, but i really love Justin's voice! One should watch the way he sang Gone at this Nsync concert on SCV. And NO, i'm not having any craze over any boy bands.

Where is the love
- Black Eyed Peas Feat Justin Timberlake
people killin people dyin
children hurt and women cryin
will you practice what you preach
and would you turn the other cheek
father father father, help us
need some guidance from above
these people got me got me questionin
where is the love?
(love) where is the love?
(the love) where is the love?
(the love) where is the love?
(where is the love the love my love)

whatever happened to the values of humanity?
whatever happened to the fairness and equality
instead of spreading love we spreadin animosity
lack of understandin leading us away from unity
that's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin under
that's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin down
It's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin under
gotta keep my faith alive till love is found
now ask yourself

painted my heart at 09:31 p.m.

Sunday, August 3, 2003

if i could turn back time

I saw this ultra cuuuuuuuuuuute guy on the bus. Er hem, boy i mean. He's really cuuute, with big sparkling eyes, long curly eyelashes and a lovely smile. Yes, that kind of smile that will light up your heart. Awwwwwwww!

i'm going wherever you will go

Yesterday was spent fruitfully with charlene! We watched Wrong Turn and this is the second time i ever screamed! We were practically the only ones screaming and groaning oh no oh dear ahhhh! at all the gruesome scenes and the highly annoying suspense hanging in the air almost suffocated us. I hate the three deformed creatures! Totally reminded me of the House of the Dead creatures jiaxi and i shot at the arcade. Eeks!

if i could make you mine

I think it's pretty sad that when we're young, our cute little faces, behaviours and all will simply put a smile on our parents' faces and brighten up their lives. We would want to follow everywhere they go. But as we grow up, we escape from the protected wings of our parents and wander off on our own, yearning for freedom. We spend more time with friends, in pursuing our dreams and often, we tend to drift off from them.

Could you tell? Words are all i ever need to fill that void in my life.

Ignorance is bliss, because the truth hurts.

i'm going wherever you will go

- The Calling

painted my heart at 09:27 p.m.

Saturday, August 2, 2003

Thanks

Wenhooi and i almost went crazy learning all the Italian phrases during the Seoul Garden outing with classmates yesterday. Buon Giorno, Buona Sera, Buona Notte, Come Sta, Grazie, Non Capisco, Ha Capito, Lash a mee een pa che, va via and many many more! Oh my we laughed from orchard library alllll the way to Heeren. Embarrassing! Total insanity. :)

Ivy really cracked me up today. The Beeg Bee tricks, practices for the Jilian Plan (i wish i could film her various expressions and actions down!) and the staircase thingamajig! By the way, we nearly won our first friendly match against the preeeetty AC girls but lost the second one terribly. But the SRGS spirit stands strong. Hehs, My foxy Saint Raffles partner! :D

Shout outs

Jillian! Poor girl, she had a really terrible stomachache at coro. :( Was only one bus stop away from her destination when she forced me off the bus! Bleahs, too bad i didn't get to see her mum and her house. Get well soon dear!

BOON AND CHEL!!! Ahhhh my girrrrls! Check out the photos here! :) An album of us, with some surprises inside. :)

And now you know why i say i look like shit beside them both. Some had to keep on rubbing it in! Ahhhh, I know it best myself. But as boonie always says, the heart matters the most. Teehee. :) (not that my heart is very B-E-A-utiful anyways, haha)

painted my heart at 01:18 a.m.

Thursday, July 31, 2003

Ruff Endz - If I Was The One

I see the way he treats you
I feel the tears you cry
And it makes me sad
And it makes me mad
There’s nothing I can do baby
Cause your lover is my best friend
And I guess that’s where the story ends
So I've gotta try to keep it inside
you will never be, never be mine

But if I was the one who was loving you baby
The only tears you’d cry would be tears of joy
And if I was by your side
You’d never know one lonely night
And if it was my arms you were running to
I’d give you love in these arms of mine
If I was the one in your life

If I could have just one wish
I’d wish that you were mine
I would hold you near
Kiss away those tears
I’d be so good to you baby
You’re the one I want next to me
But I guess that’s just not meant to be
He’s there in your life and he's sharing your nights
You will never be, never be mine

painted my heart at 12:19 a.m.

Monday, July 28, 2003

There were only silence to her pleas. She saw the realm falling apart, and the fragments collapsed. The walls were closing in, the moon rays diminished, and the star sighed her last breath. The sky was brackish, imbued with tears that wouldnt fall. The surreal dreams, alongside with temporary enchantment, soon languished into a macarbe heap of broken wings and faded stars. She was trapped in a fog that reeked of inchoate memories and disillusionment.

But then again, who is she, so insignificant and belittled, to rant and ramble on about such dejection?

painted my heart at 11:12 p.m.

Monday, July 28, 2003

Whoa, I just came home from the Spore National Youth Orchestra concert at the esplanade and i am really on the verge of falling into slumber. And i wonder why i'm here. Oh wells. Met meilin and yan choo for dinner at marche and dinner was smashin' good! The concert was really good too. Just before it grandly started, yanchoo gave the seat a miss (as the seat "folded" on her) and she nearly fell on the ground and embarrass us all. And we all laughed till our stomach hurt! :D It was an EXTREMELY hilarious sight i wish i could film it down hahaha! Back to the performance, it's amazing to see all the instruments blend in so harmoniously and accurately to evoke a range of emotions and imaginations. The wonders music can create. Some pieces were very grand and magnificent while some others so airy and light, so soothing i thought i could float immediately. On another, i closed my eyes and saw a he and a she dancing at the rooftop, inebriated amidst the moon rays while their feet slid across the beautiful sea of iridescent lights to form a lovely, romantic sight. The pieces may not mean this way, i don't know, but that's what some sounded to me. ditong (meilin's classmate), this guy i did cs with and huiwen (my long lost ex senior) performed! Wow wow wow. I wished i could play an instrument. Muahaha. Took tonnes of photos after the performance all around the area. I wish i could take a picture of the river! The lights from the buildings bounced off the flowy wavy water surface, leaving a myriad of lovely silver threads behind. But sighs, they said it would be too dark to see anything, just like me. Thanks. :)

And let's say hello to school all over again.

painted my heart at 12:14 a.m.

Saturday, July 26, 2003

Felt quite sorry for the juniors as they emerged first runner-up after a 2-3 defeat to TKGS, the latter is one more year away from the challenge trophy! And that reminds me, we were this close to getting the challenge trophy in my batch! Sighs, but oh wells, they beat AHS! And that's really a great achievement.

I had had a funny time helping my sis take out her beckham-alicia-keys-like plaits while she almost went crazy. That vain sister of mine.. I feel really fortunate and blessed with these two sisters of mine, despite the age gap between us. We can share clothes, earrings, hair accesories! And i recall them doting on me since i'm young, always buying me cakes and presents on every single birthday of mine, while i could only churn out some funny worthless presents on theirs. I can't say i'm really close to them, in terms of secrets and problems shared. Nevertheless, i love them much, which i'll probably not ever tell them right in their face. (they'll die of laughter) Why, i feel so pampered, yet always complaining that i get the least freedom coz` i'm the youngest in the family. And lately, as i feel that everything around me are getting old and myself growing out of this teengaer phase, i really fear the day my sisters get married and leave this house. I reckon this is how sinhui is feeling now too. It's like slashing a big portion of my life away. But a really comforting thought is that they are leaving this house to pursue further dreams and happiness in their lives. We should be crying tears of joy and wishing them the best instead. Right, sinhui?

I think life is full of twists and irony. You can never know what will happen next. One can be struggling to live on with his utmost perseverance and strength, while on the other end of the world, a person is ending his life when being pushed to the edge, as if life is so slight and worthless. Some keep complaining about having to study so hard for nothing, for example me, while some don't even have the chance to study at all.

painted my heart at 11:16 p.m.

Thursday, July 24, 2003

OH my goodness! I'm so excited, disappointed and helpless at the same time! There's finals against TKGS (we've never met them before for 4 years) tomorrow for SNBT and i have lessons till 340!! Arghs. And i cannot skip school tomorrow because my group project file is with me and i need to collect chem notes money! I've long wanted to relive that intense competition atmosphere, with banners screaming St Nicks hung all over Toa payoh Sports Hall. I wanna do all the silly cheers And actions we would do in unison, like fantastic -does the fantastic action-, marvellous, wonderful, soche (spelling?) , fantabulous, hao qiu piao liang zai lai yi ge, it's so good i just cant believe it oh yeah thingamajig. I wanna say the prayers we would used to before the matches commence, and shout st nicks whoosh with much pride and confidence. I wanna taste the feeling of effort being rewarded for my juniors (they train 4/5/6 times a week!). I wanna shout out our very own SNBT cheer and go out to eat and celebrate, play catching around taka, play contact in the mrt and take photos everywhere. I wanna relive everything that had long been the past. I wanna be part of SNBT again.

St Nicks Badminton Team: Good luck dears! No matter what's the outcome, I'm so proud of you guys already! and my, you all kicked out our old formidable rival - AHS! ahhhhhhh! I wanna to hold that gold trophy in my hands again!

painted my heart at 11:21 p.m.

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

And i bask in the lovely scenery after my 2.4km run at chinese high today. There wasnt any fanciful streaks of pink and purple across the sky, just a vast patch of the cloudless unreachable. The wind was so gentle and soothing it nearly lulled me to sleep. and there the three of us lay, enjoying the serenity. Then i fell silent. I opened my eyes again to find myself lying on the hockey pitch. I could hear the distant windchimes singing along with the wind. The familiar sunken forum, the row of palms trees, the paths which i so often treaded upon were coming back to me. I saw us rushing to the toilet to bathe, bbqing at the roof garden and playing all sorts of silly games when sleeping time was due. And then i wonder, why did i have to leave?

I never did understand when people say they like to be alone sometimes. I finally did today. Perhaps i just didn't have both the mental and physical ability to laugh and chat today. The main problem is, i don't even have the slightest inkling why. Perhaps it's just the little little stuffies stuffed into my little brain that accumulate and eventually wear me down. Sorry dears [you know who you are], i was just a little off my usual side today.

Did i have to mention this again? That i really dislike my form teacher who is biased against me? Seriously, she doesn't have to go through all these little ways to show her disdain for me. Oh my why can't i enjoy morning assemblys happily and peacefully for my last two (actually five) schooling years?

painted my heart at 10:03 p.m.

Monday, July 21, 2003

For one hour and twenty minutes, I had been talking non-stop to lilian during econs lecture today. All the girl talk, scandals, experiences and secrets unveiled one by one, and we exchanged looks of horror, shock, embarrassment and definitely laughters and giggles. It's simply gratifying being able to be ourselves, sit back and bare our thoughts out. And that reminds me, i have not been actively engaged in a conversation for a long time.

Regarding how to pass an econs essay remains an out-of-grasp mystery to sinhui and i. Regarding GP, don't ask.

painted my heart at 10:05 p.m.

Sunday, July 20, 2003

Hold me now

My feelings had faded and disappeared a long time ago, i can't remember when. It's just today that i realise what a sentimental silly foolish old fool i HAD been. Your memories of me had become so vague and nebulous, and a thousand words from me weighed probably no more than a floating feather to you. But you didn't know, i didnt tell, that every single word from you had screamed unremittingly in my head. Now, you are no more than a living reminder of my foolishness. It's just amazing how one could affect someone's life drastically without knowing it. Now that i know, i will not fall in too deep.

I'm six feet from the edge and i'm thinking

I just realise siongqun's house is of walking distance to my old house. Another point to note, i often went to the area near his house to play during my primary school days! And we frequent my favourite Esso! Talk about being in a small linked up world. Another reason why i want my old house back : I could have someone to go home with! :(

Maybe six feet ain't so far down

painted my heart at 09:40 p.m.

Saturday, July 19, 2003

A friend told me that i think too much, and she wish her mind isnt such void of thoughts. I said i would rather not think too much. After all, life could be happier if made much simpler. I had rather not indulge on such human complexities and intricate works of minds. Sometimes, things can be misconstrued because what one sees on the surface may be different from what it really is. And as such, i shall not muse upon such melancholic, unwanted thoughts tonight.

I wish it would rain one of these nights. I badly want to watch the sheets of rain dance through my window pane, allow the coolness to drive away the built up heat in the atmosphere and softly lull me to sleep. Rainy nights just seem to bring along with them tranquility and promises of lovely dreams. But just like hopes hanging on the stars, the more i yearn, the more they elude me.

painted my heart at 10:13 p.m.

Friday, July 18, 2003

Have i ever mentioned that i love my badminton girls? True, we're small (in quantity) but highly mighty in spirit! We would always crowd around, all six of us, and chat about anything under the sun at any particular time. Hilarious! And we would always deviate from the main topic and digress. It is really a comforting sight to see how all of us want and are willing to train in full volume and pant and perspire after training nowadays. Was talking to huimin about team spirit today and once again, i was reminded of SNBT. We both agree that team spirit is such an important factor. I've seen cases of how unknown players would put up a good fight or even win the match against renowned players due to strong team spirit. Our achivements may not be great, but what's up with all the cca discrimination i've been seeing and hearing about? Oh heck, I love my team, trainings everything! Certainly a great remedy to really dreadful Monday and Friday lessons. :)

Bahs. Had to change my layout because the entry box for the previous one was still ugly despite several changes, the color's too dull and it looked depressing. I had to give up the pretty butterflies picture! :( Oh wells, i like this one too anyways.

By the way, think my sister just filled the bottle with butterscotch flavoured liquid soap. Smells good and yummy! :D

Oh yes, was listening to Incredible by Darius with sinhui in school and i was about to tell her that this song has such a happy contagious tune when she told me the lyrics of this song. It is so ironic, and funny how the sad lyrics fits perfectly into the cheery tune. As if one is trying too hard to smile though his/her heart is tearing incessantly. As if he/she claims that he/she is alrighht though his/her soul is slowly disintegrating away.

You said its over
I said "that's ok
I wasn't in to you anyway"
I told you "lately
you irritate me your laugh is too loud
you're the last girl I'd look at
if you were in a crowd"

Could you tell?
I was lying and hiding the truth away
and what I really wanted to say

is you are incredible you are amazing
you blow my mind one of a kind
I'm having a meltdown
you are incredible you are amazing
but sometimes telling the truth
is easier said than done,
"don't leave baby" -
now that's what I meant to say

"My world's not ending I'll be just fine"
That's what my mouth said
but not what I felt inside
I told you "baby,
your not the answer to all of my prayers
cos I like my girlfriends in short skirts with longer hair"

Well I said I didn't care about what you felt about me
couldn't care less about what I said or done
I didn't mean it - its not what I meant to say
you know the truth is that I care
about what you think about me
maybe too much, I've been puttin' on a front
I didn't mean it

I never wanted to be mean to anybody but i think i've just sinned. It's terrible, when the feelings of anger and guilty can mingle, boil and complement each other. I feel such disgust for myself, and another person at the same time. Maybe mean isnt the right word. By the way, it isnt one small event. It's the accumulation of several frivolous issues. Again and again. Sighs.

painted my heart at 10:58 p.m.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

Albeit having sore feet, peeling soles and a throat in really bad condition, it is all worth it. As i proudly proclaim, St Nicks Track and Field Team emerged as champions for both C and B divisions once again! Woohoo!

This year's track finals was definitely a new sort of experience. Unlike the previous years, i was in a khaki uniform instead, identity - an old St Nicks girl. I stepped into the National Stadium today, and soon i was amidst the blue sea where vitality, heat, all the his and hugs flow. There are so many friends, with so much to catch up with. (sorry sinhui, think i abandoned you for quite a while!) Was around with Boonie, sa and sinhui and company during the track meet and boon's damnnn hilarious! We both got high together hahaha. :) That silly Mich, she was crying upon seeing all the old friends! -pats- The same old feeling i had missed for long was seeping its way through our hearts. There we stood, cheering and screaming our hearts away for this school we call our own. As the results were announced, i could feel the sensation of the whole grand stand, immersed in exuberance and filled with high-spirited pinafore girls. I felt so high, so happy, so proud of St Nicks. At that instant, i wish i could be part of the big family again. I sang the school song with all my heart, while recollecting shamefully the times i so refused to sing every morning assembly obstinately. Seeing these juniors remind me of the qualities a St Nicks sports girl is always taught to possess, and they are such fine embodiments of them. I had learnt so much being a St Nicks sports girl. I remember our several sports talks, sports camp, incentive sports trips for certain ccas and helping out for the Games Carnivals. The different ccas were brought together to form a unity held by strong school spirit. I still recall writing notes and cards within and across ccas to support each other, stengthening the bonds between us. There is no such thing as caring about your own cca only, or looking down on other ccas just because the achivements werent exactly great. And as the day came to an end, i jumped and clapped deliriously, screaming ai wo sheng ni ge la on top of my lungs.

And i shall put this across again, St Nicks rocks! :D Sadly, our cheers didn't sound great as before. i truly admire the Cedarian spirit! Their cheers and screams drowned ours and their spirit is truly amazing. A toast to them!

Today is definitely a remedy for this bottled up feeling inside me that deposited a little each day. I get to shout and scream, be overwhelmed by excitement, see my friends i miss so much, forget my pain and leave it aside. What more can i ask for?

painted my heart at 10:07 p.m.

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

Life is getting so monotonous and mundane i had to litter my blog with absolutely trifling matters. Hmmms, bought a pretty black glitter hair band at Livia today. That would make it my 3rd glitter hairband and probably the 10th one in a span of say, one year plus? i either broke them, my friends helped in breaking too, lost them, ahh simply made them disappear from the surface of the earth just so easily. :/

Lately, bolts of laughters surged as quickly as pangs of distress. I had had a hard time piecing the fragments of my thoughts and contradictions, hoping to find an easy way out. But there seem to be too many living/non-living reminders reflecting my inner hollowness. And the barricade i put up would fall apart, leaving me bare. The feeling is painfully sharp, each time it seeps into my heart, and it wouldnt disappear. It is maiming my life. :(

By the way, results aint the one that pulled me down. True, i was quite sad over my chem but i cheered up after the lesson ended! So it ain't about results at all. -pulls jingyi's nose- But anyways, thanks people :)

Am lagging as i just realise tm's track finals will be for secondary schools too! GOOD LUCK to the St Nicks Track and Field Team! Get the golds like you girls always do! Once a St Nicks sports girl, always a St Nicks sports girl. :D

painted my heart at 07:31 p.m.