Tuesday, May 25, 2004 / 02:29 p.m.

I HOPE YOU BLOW AWAY

listening to: ”Sexed Up” by Robbie Williams
feeling: uncertain

Messages can really work wonders. Thanks waikit thanks meilin!

I’m sorry I didn’t go to school again. Feeling a little bit of everything now as I let my mp3s play on my emotions, can you believe it? Empty, lonely, lost, bored, crazy. What’s up with me?

Sunday night was spent at Esplanade. The hc choir presented Jubilation – voices in flight. I thought the performance was really good. I love how the different voices and pitches could blend in so well together and give the pieces such richness and fluidity. Amazing how human voices alone can do such lovely work. Ade was right. That 67 guy could really melt people’s hearts. I even recorded the piece “Yesterday” into my phone! =) Had supper with some of my classmates and the juniors after that. Ate dessert, not bad satays and really bad stingray. Can’t believe I could actually go school the following day!

Well, yesterday? Let me talk about last Monday first. Lilian, sinhui and I rushed to cine after school hoping to grab Troy tickets but they were sold out. We rushed all the way to Lido but they were sold out too. Yesterday, sinhui and I finally bought the tickets! We were watching Troy at Lido cinema theatre 4 for about 15 minutes when the screen went totally blank and looked ridiculous as the background voices went on. So we waited for say, 15 minutes till the manager came and apologized that the movie couldn’t go on due to technical problems. Of course we could get our refunds. Sinhui was really pissed and to my surprise, I felt more amused than angry. Like what? This is actually happening? I’m going home without watching the show? Haha, my first experience at such luck. Maybe we are really not fated to watch the show. Sinhui doesn’t want to watch it anymore, but guess I’ll still try to go against fate.

Sunday, May 23, 2004 / 12:55 a.m.

SOME PEOPLE WANT IT ALL
BUT I DONT WANT NOTHING AT ALL
IF IT AINT YOU BABY

listening to: "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys
feeling: weird

Been talking about dreams with rachel on msn. I find dreams powerful, influential, amazing yet scary sometimes. They are just so uncontrollable and out of reach. They don't happen in reality, at least in my case, yet they can affect us mentally. Alas, i dream excessively. I can hardly recall a dreamless night. I once dreamt me and my crush who isnt exactly a crush in reality but when i woke up, the sweetness still lingered. And like what chel said, you felt strangely closer to the person. At times, i dream that i'm being chased, (by whom it doesnt matter coz the circumstances are always different) but everytime i run, it seems like i have difficulties lifting my legs, as if i'm dragging them along in water. It's extremely frustrating. I read somewhere that it means something, but i forgot what. At other times, my scenes keep changing and the impossibles are way too impossible. Like playing badminton is about flying around the court with two rackets. You know, that sort of absurdity. I often dream of things i usually don't read too much into in reality, like those objects you look at with a quick glance. It's amazing how our minds can capture them and make them the subject of our dreams. Sometimes, i dream that i'm inside a dream. When something scary happens, i kept telling myself i'm inside a dream and the relief was overwhelming whenever i wakes up. But i wake up to yet another dream. So basically there's a dreamworld inside my dreamland. Cool huh, but scary. Realising that i'm dreaming is like my mind is conscious in an unconscious state. Chel said that once you realise you're in a dream, you can control your dream and do ridiculously impossible things. They call that lucid dreams. I find minds such powerful yet intricate creations of God. All the links and impossibilities, queer and fascinating. Yet they scare me. Eeps.

Saturday, May 22, 2004 / 11:39 a.m.

BUT I CAN'T READ YOU

listening to: "I Can't Read You" by Daniel Bedingfield
feeling: cool

I love sitting here, listening to music and enjoying the calm and cool atmosphere, in contrary to the chaotic weather out there with raindrops falling quiveringly. Rain really quietens me down. I like its tranquility, its subtlety in contrast to the thunder and the beautiful sight of it. But i'm sure if badminton was an outdoor sport, i would have thought otherwise.

Alas, i can't stay here for long. CIP is beckoning me.

But i'll like to first talk about this week that has passed like a hurricane. I had no time to stop and breathe or even think properly. Seems like i've been in a daze and my life disrupted ever since tournament ended. I go to school everyday hoping to gain some knowledge and go home to only watch tv and significantly, SLEEP. The amount of hours i spent on sleeping this week is atrocious! I could go home early, sleep from 3 pm to 8:30 pm, wake up to eat dinner then slowly drift back to dreamland again. The puzzling thing is, there is no training to tire me out. I just sleep. Like huishan said, we seem to be just flushing our lives down the drain. :/

And ever since training has ended, i kind of dread going to school. It's not just because i am lagging very badly for tutorials. Like school has turned purposeless. Very.. tasteless, you know?

I think i need the break soon. I need to put my life back to order.

Love this song! Not the usual danielbedingfield-ultra-sentimental sort, but the rockish addictive type

"I Can't Read You" by Daniel Bedingfield
I'm never shy but this is different
I can't explain the way I'm feeling tonight
I'm losing control of my heart
Tell me what can I do to make you happy
Nothing I ever say seems to come out right
I'm losing control of my heart, yeah

And I wish that I could be
Another better part of me
Can't hear what you're thinking
Maybe if I just let go
You'd open up your heart

But I can't read you
I wish I knew what's goin' through your mind
Can't touch you
your heart's defending I get left behind
Can't reach you
I wish I knew what's going through your mind
Can't touch you
your heart's protecting
I get left behind

I like you so much I'm acting stupid
I can't play the game I'm all intense and alive
I'm losing control of my heart
I'm not supposed to be this nervous
I should play my hand all cool and calm
I can't breathe
I'm losing control of my heart
And I wish that I could see
The other better parts of me
Feel this fire I'm feeling
Then you'd see me in control
And baby then you'd know

Sunday, May 16, 2004 / 02:41 p.m.

AT A POINT OF LIFE

You know how much i love looking at the sky. It evolves into different kinds of heavenly masterpieces everyday. The cotton candy clouds that take on all kinds of forms, sometimes forming a patch of little bits and pieces, yet at times stretched beautifully across the sky, or simply curling up into little balls. I love the sky roasted pink, yet sometimes blended into swirls of orange and blue, purple and scarlet. It's like reaching out to the seemingly impossible endlessness with my naked eyes, disregarding the constraints and promises around me. It sort of casts my apprehensions and doubts aside, like a temporary sort of haven. I feel liberated, uplifted and soothed. It’s a dreamy, lovely sort of feeling.

Everyday, I live on laughter and cheap thrills, pleasures and dreams.

Yet sometimes I really cant stand myself for being such a quixotic dreamer. I feed on my unrealistic ideals to satisfy my insatiable hunger for perfection. The circumstances and people around me are scaring me with their practical ambitions and all the talks about free trade and politics and goals I cannot engage in. I feel shallow and superficial all of a sudden, for at this point of my life, I should be making concrete plans for my future. It seems bleak, seriously. What am I going to do? I have no passion for the harsh world out there. I just want to float around my safe harbour like a little ship not ready for her maiden voyage.

Monday, May 10, 2004 / 09:42 p.m.

A CHAPTER OF MY LIFE

This is gonna be a long entry, considering the mixed emotions that are piling themselves inside me now. I must say this memorable day started off real badly. I had a terrible stomachache, then plunged into the sian mode without knowing why, felt nauseous especially inside the sports hall toilet and practically all of us were turned off by the highest level of humidity ever inside the sports hall. Thank goodness all these faded away when our matches were nearing. I was quite happy with our play today though we were defeated. Jillian and I managed to clinch 6 points from the first as well as second set from charmian’s pair. Eh, considering that they’re from RJ, probably the champion team in this whole competition. Mario was right. It wasn’t the outcome of the game, but the winning shots that you earned with your utmost effort that made the game so enjoyable and satisfying. We had pretty good rallies and even managed to press our shots down, go according to plan and then feng wang several times. I felt so proud of us! We were even leading 6-2 in the second set! It’s a really cool feeling being able to be pushed to the edge by strong opponents and just fight hard and play considerably well, even if it’s just those few moments. After everything, the game just kept replaying in my mind over and over again. Although, of course, it would have been a different story if we hadn’t played 2V1 or mian had her original partner. Another thing was, there was no fear in us during the game at all. I know how excruciating regret is when you look back and wonder how in the world could you let fear get the better of you. This last match is our personal best in the season i believe, even in comparison to those that we’ve won.

The fact that I am not going to play competitive badminton anymore after six years of playing is slowly starting to sink in. Yet I’m thankful I did tread onto this path, as things would have been worlds apart otherwise. In retrospect, it has been sort of an amazing ride. It would not have been possible if God didnt bestow upon me the two greatest teams i could ever have. And i will like to give a tribute to them. :)

In St Nick Badminton Team, I’ve absorbed and learnt so much that helped in moulding my thinking, my development as well as my life in st nicks. I never knew what greatness unity can do, or how team spirit can be so overwhelming within a bunch of teammates. I’ve learnt to take humiliation especially when i started off late. I came across many people, where some turned out to be great friends for life. I begin to realise how it was like to be committed to a team and enjoy all the fun a team could bring. There were so many things we did together.

I cannot forget the prayers we’d have before every match, the games we’d plead jiao lian to let us play like h2o, scissors paper stone and captain’s ball, the gruelling and extremely tough physical sessions that we actually did struggle through, the annual farewell chalet we had at the end of the year, the funny ways we’d reveal our buddies, our new year reunion dinner we held every year, the times we played cards in the canteen after training, knowing uncle mobin would always be there with drinks for us no matter how late it got, playing catching at taka and contact in mrts, staying in school till really late at night painting our banners, doing souvenirs and decorating posters and souvenirs for cca fair, inevitably showing that the badminton team had no flair for art at all, the sports camp we had in sec 1 that made me feel like we’re the most united and fun cca around *no offence to other ccas*, the incentive sports trips the school reward the sports ccas with, especially the one in sec 4 where we had the best instructors around, the time we shouted STNICKS in unison during campfire towards the vast patch of mountains and the echo came back so loud and clear our spirits culminated, (it was then when I realise stars are so huge and pretty in malaysia), the uncountable meetings we had with jiao lians and teachers and ourselves, the stayovers we’d organise before camps, the glorious victory at toa payoh sports hall, the celebration we had at tabletennis area in sec 2, the really rough rugby sessions we had at the hockey pitch, the badminton camps that turned out to be training camps instead, the really hilarious skit “ Bad Mint On” we did for sports camp and xiao zhang’s farewell, the buddy as well as shifu-tudi system that undoubtedly bonded us closer, the silly games we’d play on our way to competition like what-huh-orh, 10 cent game and blue frog, our very own SNBT version of sunshine song that we’ll sing for teachers or during performances, the cheers with hand gestures that we’d do after every good shot during tournament (fantastic, marvellous, wonderful, fantabulous, sochè) that irritated some schools as I’ve learnt later as well as our own SNBT cheer and self-composed banana cheer. Yes, SNBT is more than just these.

I will remember all my relations: shifu-adeline, tudi-tricia, big grandbuddy-jane, big buddy-shuying, sisterbuddy-dacia, small buddy-lynn, small grandbuddy-peixuan, AB-zhangpei, sunshine-virnice, rainbow buddy-yuying, father-jane mother-sohai and twin mimi-charmian in the Mong family. And above this all, my batch people szuyu jess kai mian dac kang tav adele. We like to think we are the most enthu batch, thank you very much. :)

It is different here in hcbt. In hwachong, people don’t think much of badminton but my teammates taught me to hold my head up high and take pride in the sport that we love. Although everybody were from different sec school teams, we bonded together like glue in a short span of a few months. Everyone of us were dedicated and committed to the cca and most importantly, we believe in ourselves. How should I put it? It has evolved into something more than just a team. No quarrels, no resentment, no politics We became a bunch of special friends keeping one another close to our hearts. I will say it’s incredibly amazing how we managed to be such close friends within ourselves, creating plentiful precious memories on the way.

I will not forget the first times I saw fierce meilin, tall chengwei, quiet huimin, dao jillian and scary ivy, the times, I mean, everytime we would automatically form a circle almost everywhere and start yakking away for ages about almost everything under the sun, except the moment when our food arrived at the table, the cheap thrills at asking people to go tuas (private joke) and trying to walk down the imaginary stairs, the dinners after training that were usually filled with laughter, burps and farts from **** to coro, thai noodle house, adam’s food centre, serene’s macs, or bukit timah hawker centre, the outings we had like celebrating meilin’s birthday at marche, out in town for the busker’s festival, watchings movies together, counting down to new year together, staying over at jill’s house, playing mahjong, planting birthday surprise on jillian, writing notes for one another, the memorable time we had at the student lounge singing along with ivy’s deft fingers at the piano, the uncountable runs every Wednesday to kap, along namly road, botanic gardens or simply the track, our cravings for red tea, the sessions we had talking about the best food in town, the fun cai quan session (the yucky seafood lasagne) we had at pizza hut, the cheesecake we always wanted to try and ivy treated us in the end, the thousand and one jokes we’ve created, the noise level we always managed to create at the expense of others, us niaoing at one another, the times we showed care and concern for one another... One thing I know for sure, the list will keep on going.

What can I say? Being in this wonderful team is the best thing that has happened to me in my hwachong life. Meilin agrees too. I hope we will still remain pretty much the same old us. Meilin with her silly childish bubbly self and her kitty phobia, huimin with her superb niaoing skills yet sweet interior (mario finds her a highly intelligent species HAHA), the artsy fartsy tall chengwei who has an extreme obsession with purple, jillian with her really hilarious, cartoon-like antics that make us laugh and tear, and our sweet angelic ivy who can be really dynamic when leading the team. And uhhh me? The nice normal me. :) Okay FINE, the black me who cannot speak properly. -_-

I believe although six years may not be a long time as compared to many others, being in the badminton team has played a really pivotal role in my life. All the faces I’ve come across, the stories we’ve created, the laughters we shared, the tears we shed, the sweat and pain we’ve suffered, the glories we’ve earned, the lessons we’ve learnt and the fun we had. All these little bits and pieces have weaved into an indispensable and colorful part of my otherwise mundane life. Now that it is officially over, I feel an overwhelming sense of loss. To put this aptly across, a chapter of my life has gone, just like how you feel when you flip to the last page of an interesting chapter in a book. But at least I know, these few pages of memories will be sweetened through the ages and be savoured like rich wine.