Saturday, May 8, 2004 / 11:30 p.m.

IS THERE ANY WAY
THAT I CAN STAY IN YOUR ARMS

listening to :"If You're Not The One" by Daniel Bedingfield
feeing: queer

Just came home from celebrating boon's birthday. We went fish n co for dinner and guess what? All six of us are decked in black, white or pink! Hehe, so cute. The brownie and ice cream that they served for people's birthday are heavenly! Happy Birthday Boonie and please smile! Forget about all the silly happenings coz you shouldnt waste your precious birthday like that. Have a great eighteenth year ahead (with me, of course) and we all love you yeah? :D

A humongous cockroach just flew from the computer, over my head, then towards the wardrobe. Eeeps. As i sprayed insecticide over it, there's this strange wave of feeling washing over me. I watched as it kept struggling and wriggling to its own death that felt like eons. Hmmms, dont know why, it's probably just today, that this seemed strangely morbid.

I don't exactly like the idea of the impression i give to others being somewhat very different from people who know me. Kind of makes me wonder if i'm living my life truly inside out. I have people coming up to me telling me that they thought i was this and i was that, but the initial impression i gave is not what i actually am. Or is it just my face born unfriendly? Sometimes fierce, sometimes bitchy, sometimes scary. It's kind of sad. If you don't know me and you find me like this, come to me. We'll have a friendly conversation. :)

Hmmms, just kidding. I forgot i am boring to talk to.

If something had already vanished from your mind, why is it that you still feel a strange ache gnawing at your soul everytime a familiar sad song starts playing? Like it is unravelling the knot you had cast into the back of your head. Like it has never disappeared as it seems perhaps because too many things that happened blur your vision. Till the night casts its mysterious visage and shadows come out to play, then will the purest form of your emotion stand out against the dark. And you feel a sense of loss coz you thought you'd never feel like this again.

Disjointed sentences. Broken lines. Unworthy phrases. That's all i can make out from this bubble of thought of mine that's about to burst.

Friday, May 7, 2004 / 11:36 p.m.

AND I JUST THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD KNOW

listening to: "You're a God" by Vertical Horizon
feeling: sick

I don't know how to put everything across. There's just a lot of bits and pieces swirling around in my head and i'm stuck in a tangled mesh. I think my life has gone a little out of the normal lately, and i have no inkling what i am actually directing toward. I seem to be lost in a world of my own but nothing much is happening, really. Feels like it's been a singles game in an isolated court with an invisible and invincible player. I'm all by myself. I don't know where's the shuttlecock going to land. I haven't the slighest inkling what i should do, which direction i should move towards. Uh, you see, i never liked being a singles player.

Okay i think i sound really incoherent. Never mind me.

Wednesday's competition was eventful. The girls won but most importantly, the guys won 3-2 against YJC after a really tough fight. We lost the first singles, won first doubles, lost second singles and then won the second doubles. The score tightened to 2-2. So all the pressure was hanging heavily on weiyan who determined the overall results as well as the advance to the top 6. He won the first set after much fight but the opponent didn't give up and defeated weiyan in the second. The tension and excitement culminated as the two guys fought for the rubble (how to spell?) set. All along, we were beside the court, some standing on the bench, all shouting and cheering on top of our voices. Initially weiyan was down 5-10 but he caught up to 14-10 and after a few more rallies and service overs, he won 15-10! Whee my hands were cold and my voice went hoarse after that. Which probably explains my sore throat now, worsened by the packet of fries that my monkey juniors tried to snatch from me. Oh wells. We were all happily jumping and hi-fing around seeing meilin go bonkers. Hehe. Mario talked for damn long again and i didnt get to be in the batch photos with SNBT! Hmphs. Zhangpei they all tried to stand as closely to where i was sitting as possible and then i tried to turn back and stretch a little and we managed to take a really weird group photo! Hahaha. Rushed back into the hall and managed to take individual photos with szuyu jess zhang yuying and kai though. Yay.

Quite sad i can't go for last training today. By the way i think huimin and i make a really good pair at tricking others, somewhat like sinhui and i. Though i aint sure myself why in the world are we doing that. Cheap thrills maybe? Thanks jill cheng min mei for wishing me well. Will get well soon. Till then, love you all!

Saturday, May 1, 2004 / 08:16 p.m.

I have been out shopping with meilin for the past saturdays! It has been really sinful but oh well, good purchases, what more can i say? We lost the match against nj, but i shall try not to be a sore loser over here. One day of grief was enough. Besides, there’s no point. But it doesn’t mean I don’t care. Yesterday was not meant to be, yet i urge my teammates to move on and fight our very best on monday! It is always this time when i feel mario is somehow irrelevant and intolerable - almost the things he said (especially only after the matches), his belief in us as strong as how you believe there is a pot of gold at every rainbow's end.. Urgh, maybe i should spare any visitors here the "gory" details. Monday’s match will be the toughest, yet it should be our very best. What emily said is quite true. We gotta fight our very hardest so that we actually push our opponents to the edge, and that's when we, too, win in our own way. Let's make this a tough one for them so that when we look back in retrospect, we'll hold our heads high and proud that we did try, and that we did our best. Regret is a shame, so let's not let fear get in the way. We can do it!

jill: hey girl! Though we didn’t have a fantastic win and let them get a few points more than they should, don’t be discouraged! For we gonna be on top form on monday like the way we did against ivy and kim leng. Let's unleash our capabilities!
ivy: babe don’t be affected by what mario said at all. You’re still the best captain ever and I believe in you!
huimin: yo girl it’s over so don’t think too much about it anymore okay? Instead, we should all make sure we don’t make the same mistakes anymore and fight on with guts!

It shall be an entry filled with gratitude over here. Was pretty touched by all the little things I received before the match yesterday. Thanks ivy for the sweet note, chengwei for the note and PURPLE chewy bar, jillian for writing us notes and baking us brownies with her mum’s own secret recipe! Hahaha all of us were so shocked jill could be so sweet but it’s just her, always popping up with silly surprises. =) When we were all passing around little notes and food for each other, I really felt as though valentine’s day had relived again. As well as lilian for the test tube filled with saga seeds and the sweet note, I was so touched! And of course, bernard’s really early note… zsing’s concern and encouragement…sinhui’s… charlene’s sms for good luck… hsien fei’s as well! And wishes from nelson.. guan how.. marcus.. you said you won’t allow me back at 69 class bench if I lose my match, so thank goodness I can be safe and sound now!

Never mind my incoherence, I’m too tired.

Thursday, April 29, 2004 / 08:02 p.m.

HERE, THERE,
AND EVERYWHERE

listening to: "Here, There and Everywhere" by Clay Aiken
feeling: ready to fight

Righhhht, now my name can never be cleared anymore. I just saw my name three times on 62 class tagboard when i've never been to their class blog before! Sigh, who's there to clarify for me.. In the first place, why would i say something provocative there and gain myself unwanted attention?? It's all alan's fault!!! *bish*

One who played the pass message game from one person to another would have realised how an original message can turn out to be quite different from what the last person heard. Isnt it the same in our everyday lives? We, as human, with the same tendencies, often choose to believe every word we heard, rather than see the truth ourselves. You see how along the way, we can add spice to a matter so trivial it evolved into something juicy, exciting and most importantly, untrue. I am just like anybody else. Inevitable, ain't it?

Been training everyday these two weeks. Guess we're all really tired but enjoying it, nevertheless. Let's fight together for the game we love and enjoy it! Go team! =)

"Here, There, and Everywhere" by Clay Aiken
Here, making each day of the year
Changing my life with the wave of her hand
Nobody can deny that there's something there

There, running my hands through her hair
Both of us thinking how good it can be
Someone is speaking but she doesn't know he's there

I want her everywhere and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share
Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there

Sunday, April 25, 2004 / 01:39 p.m.

WHEN IT'S REAL FEELINGS
HARD TO CONCEAL

listening to: “I’ll be missing you” by Puff Daddy
feeling: appreciative

I couldnt turn up for rj dance night on Friday. Sorry boon and chel! That night was such a huzz buzz for us. The five of us had planned to surprise jillian at her house with a cake after she'd gone home after training but unfortunately, poor hui rou sprained her ankle and meilin and huimin took her to the osteopath. The two of them only came back at around 9 before we set off to cheng wei's house for dinner and shower. Alas, ivy's mum fell ill and she couldnt come! We were then informed that jillian was asleep! When we finally reached jill's house at around 9, we were all suffocating in the tension and excitement upon imagining jillian's face filled with silliness and surprise amidst the tears (as we hoped). Cautiously, especially me the cake bearer, in the company of jill's mum who were in cahoots with us, we crept up the staircase leading to her bedroom and tried to wake jillian up. Little did we expect the ones to leave their jaws open in bewilderment would be us! Silly jillian actually knew about the surprise (her classmate told her) and purposely hid underneath the blanket while waiting for us! What a surprise within the surprise! So much for the couple of weeks of planning.. Her parents who were initially keeping her under the dark switched sides to keep us under the dark instead! We still kindly asked her mum to make her go home early that evening. Haha..

The opening presents time was indescribably unforgettable. All sorts of emotions that flowed among us that are still etched in my mind till now. After cheng presented her doggie card, meilin and i with our cards and skirt, huimin took her turn which she insisted save the best for the last. True, indeed. She prepared this box filled with six things inside for the six years of friendship that they've shared. A sunflower to symbolize Joy, a shuttlecock on a glass tray for Passion, a see-through box with hearts inside for Sincerity, a box with stars inside for Trust, a book that huimin filled up with Memories and lastly, a pretty hourglass to signify Eternity. When jillian opened the book of memories, the session took on a melodramatic turn as she started tearing like crazy. She kept wiping her tears in a silly childlike manner while mumbling and whining things like so big already still cry that made us broke out in peals after peals of laughter. It was such a messy and hilarious sight. Yet it was so touching that it seemed to pierce through the hearts of meilin's and mine. For we soon found ourselves having tears trickling down our cheeks too. Seemed like we couldnt bear to see jillian crying so terribly (and cornily), and we were simultaneously touched by the sight in front of us. Or maybe, more importantly, moved by the friendship that they shared so unconditionally beautiful. Soon after, huimin teared too. I seem to be doing injustice to this moment but trust me, it had been most heartwarming and uplifting.

After all the presents, phototaking and laughters, tears and warmth, we went back to jill's bedroom. I ostracized myself! By placing myself at the side (hey i was really tired) and was the first to sleep. That night, i dreamt excessively. Of many scenes that kept swirling in my head i can't differentiate them, yet the residue of some still lingered on. Do you think of something coz you dreamt about it, or you dreamt about something coz you kept thinking of it?

I woke up first when the sky was still dark, in astonishment to find myself in jillian's bedroom. It was really queer, but I beckoned myself to go back to sleep. Jill the mother (who wakes up early on Saturday mornings) hurried us for breakfast. I loved loved loved the lana cake! The moisture, texture and taste were just perfect. Heavenly! We soon indulged in our taitai fantasies by embarking on a long mahjong session. These two days had been real fun. Not just the activities but most importantly, the company who had made this most enjoyable. I'm glad i've been cherishing these moment with my teammates. Time is running out. Trainings are drawing to a halt, while tournament will soon end. I wouldn’t even mind them teasing me about just almost everything they could find, (sadly), just to find myself back in the hall flying across the court for the shuttle like every other day.

Anyways, a big big congratulations to the St Nicks Badminton Team for clinching the first and second position for B div and C div respectively in the nationals!!! So so proud of you guys. =)

This is a sadder version of The Police’s “Every Breath You Take”.

“I’ll be missing you” by Puff Daddy
Seems like yesterday we used to rock the show
I laced the track, you locked the flow
So far from hangin' on the block for dough
Notorius they got to know that
Life ain't always what it seem to be
Words can't express what you mean to me
Even though you're gone we still a team
Thru your family I'll fulfill your dreams
In the future can't wait to see if you'll
Open up the gates for me
Reminisce sometime the night they took my friend
Try to black it out, but it plays again
When it's real feelings hard to conceal
Can't imagine all the pain I feel
Give anything to hear half your breath
I know you still livin' your life after death

Every step I take
Every move I make
Every single day
Everytime I pray
I'll be missing you

Thinking of the day
When you went away
What a life to take
What a bond to break
I'll be missing you

(We miss you, Big....)

It's kinda hard with you not around
Know you in Heaven smilin' down
Watching us while we pray for you
Everyday we pray for you
Till the day we meet again
In my heart is where I keep you friend
Memories give me the strength I need to proceed
Strength I need to believe
My thoughts, Big, I just can't define
Wish I could turn back the hands of time
Us and the six shop for new clothes and kicks
You and me takin' flics
Makin' hits, stages they receive you on
Still can't believe you're gone
Give anything to hear half your breath
I know you still livin' your life after death

Tuesday, April 20, 2004 / 12:49 a.m.

I LEFT MY BODY LAYING SOMEWHERE
IN THE SANDS OF TIME

listening to: "Kryptonite" by 3 Doors Down
feeling: queer

When time starts to erode your precious memories, smoothing over the jagged edges and blurring visions that were once so clear, you start to wonder if it has been a dream. For feelings fade, and hearts do change. You try hard to recall but it just evolves into tangled bits and pieces of scenes swirling inside your head. Right now, i'm just so afraid everything that i cherish and hold my faith so tightly to now may not seem to matter anymore, as i look back in retrospect several years down the road. Have i over-worry?

They say love disregards differences. Yet what happens if you truly love someone whose life encompasses everything but similar to yours? Are you really able to accomodate? Or are changes inevitable? Opposites do attract, but perhaps the magnetism would not last long. Just perhaps. And no, i'm not in love.

"Kryptonite" by 3 Doors Down
I took a walk around the world to
ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere
in the sands of time
I watched the world float to the dark
side of the moon
I feel there's nothing I can do, yeah

I watched the world float to the
dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something
to do with you
I really don't mind what happens now and then
As long as you'll be my friend at the end

If I go crazy then will you still
call me Superman
If I'm alive and well, will you be
there holdin' my hand
I'll keep you by my side with
my superhuman might
Kryptonite

Sunday, April 18, 2004 / 08:54 p.m.

SWAY WITH ME

"Sway" by Michael Bublè
When marimba rhythms start to play
Dance with me, make me sway
Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore
Hold me close, sway me more

Like a flower bending in the breeze
Bend with me, sway with ease
When we dance you have a way with me
Stay with me, sway with me

Other dancers may be on the floor
Dear, but my eyes will see only you
Only you have that magic technique
When we sway I go weak

I can hear the sounds of violins
Long before it begins
Make me thrill as only you know how
Sway me smooth, sway me now

Sunday, April 18, 2004 / 03:58 p.m.

LET'S FLY AWAY

listening to: "Come Fly With Me" by Michael Bubl?
feeling: rhapsodic

Hate is a strong word. If you ask me whether there’s anybody I really dislike, I’ll tell you without hesitation that it’s my form teacher. Hua jie and I share the same sentiments exactly. Everytime we just managed to convince ourselves that she’s just a poor soul, she had to do something to condemn us. I still cant believe she accused me of skipping lessons when I went toilet for 20 min and she said I was away for half an hour. But she merely asked where charb went the other time and when he appeared 40 min later without any valid reason (in fact), she said nothing. And she’s ALWAYS picking on lilian and I in class. She made sinhui have had a hard time during the consultation with the hod and parents. She kept saying the class has always been good, but kept being pulled down by some black sheep. Hello? Instead of helping the academically poor us, she just continues pinpointing us and condemning us as if we’re hopeless. Now I’m forced to go to the parliament talk on Monday. She said I’ve deprived others of the chance and there will be no last min replacement. Yes, despite the fact that I pleaded with her that my comp is coming soon and Monday training is very important.. (thinking of that makes me sick in the stomach) I don’t think I’m very wrong by saying that if it was her fave students who pleaded with her, she’ll try to let them go or at the very least turn down in a mild manner. Now I’ve to try to rush back for the team talk. What’s the point when I am not in the least interested for the parliament? Now jillian cannot train properly because she has no partner.

Never mind that. Can someone tell me he/she caught the sunrise yesterday (Friday, 16 April)? I cannot believe I had enjoyed this alone. Ever morning, i wake up in hope of catching how beautifully the sky breaks dawn. Sometimes i do see myself indulging in the lovely masterpieces of nature, but yesterday's, to me, is inexplicably beautiful. The entire sky looked as if it has been splashed with gorgeous pink and divine blue that merged together so marvellously. What a good way to start a day.

Thank you sinhui, lilian, char, yanxi, alan and zsing at the class bench. I guess I had been a tad too silly.

Right now, I just want to fight hard. Motivated by the love for the sport, the people around me and most importantly my teammates! Quoted from ivy: We are in this together. Everybody are keeping their spirits flying high! I don’t want to look back in retrospect wondering why I didn’t try. What matters most is not in winning, but in whether we’ve given in our best. Never mind the insults. Never mind the draw. Never mind if things don’t go the way we want them to be. We just gonna display our worth and give it our best shot ever!

I will like to give my utmost respect to alex and thank him for the encouragement and tips.

”No team is unsurmountable. Once you harbour doubt, you’ve lost."

Thursday, April 15, 2004 / 05:16 p.m.

LIFE'S LIKE THIS

You know? I was actually very happy today. I didnt go to school. I had ample time to sleep and rest. I went out to buy famous tau sar piah with lilian. We bought two pretty watches together. I thought i would go home to do some work and make my day worth. Until ivy called me and told me our fixture. I don't understand. I thought last year was pure bad luck. But history has to repeat itself. But why? I mean there will be one group where two schools who MAY not be as dedicated or worked hard and they can get into top 8. We wanted so much to prove ourselves that those people out there are wrong. Of course we still gotta fight hard against the schools in our group, but why must the draw be like that? It's so unfair. SO unfair. I hate this.

But you're right. We do not need to prove anything to anyone because only we will understand where we stand. Let's play our hearts out girls. For we come together for a reason. We come together for the love of this game. Let this be our last yet best tournament ever.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004 / 07:39 p.m.

EVERY DEWDROP AND RAINDROP
HAS A WHOLE HEAVEN WITHIN IT

listening to: "Your Body is a Wonderland" by John Mayer
feeling: soothed

I love flowers. I like how sunflowers produce rays of cheeriness; how roses seem to glow with tender love and elegance; how tulips hold beauty with colours and delicateness. Did i ever mention this another dream of mine? To visit the fields filled with vast patches of incalculable flowers like those you see on calendars. And enjoy how the blossoms of beauty and grace poise themselves up high and bask in the warm caress of the lovely sun. To watch them sway along gentlely, quietly with the wind and fill the entire place with vibrance. As if the world is only about the immeasurable blanket of blue sky, the lush richness of grass green and the soft petals dipped in colors of brilliance. With such tranquility yet subtle vivacity. Like a heaven on earth.

Sunday, April 12, 2004 / 22:33 p.m.

AND THE REASON IS YOU

listening to: "The Reason" by Hoobastank
feeling: rockish

This mini holidays rushed past so quickly. Friday morning was spent at sentosa with boon. The beach was filled with families, picnic tables and mats. We were practically scorched under the scorching sun! Had a laid-back and relaxing time at coffee club express, leisurely reading our magazines, sipping satisfying mouthfuls of passion fruit freeze (they're real good!) and eating a delightful slab of walnut brownie with warm chocolate fudge on top! Wow, my perfect past time. We didnt know the sun could drain us of our energy, because after the sentosa trip, we were practically trudging around the streets of orchard and talking slowly and wearily like we've just worked out for hours non-stop! Inevitably dozed off after boon left as i sat at orchard mrt, waiting for miss szuyu to arrive who was late as usual. We were supposed to meet up with our instructor for our sports trip 2002 but we didnt get to in the end! Thankfully my energy came back bit and bit and we went around for more shopping (more like window shopping for me) till i've officially out of my house for half a day! Hit my bed the moment i finished bathing.

Yesterday was spent training at the gym which left me aching like mad now. We forgot to cool down! Went jillian's house after that to play mahjong and had quite a fun time there. Well, another relaxing and peaceful past time to spend the afternoon! Just sitting around with good friends, eating, chatting and moving the tiles around. Whee, i really wish everyday could be like this! And guess what, i dozed off after reaching home again.

Thursday, April 8, 2004 / 17:30 p.m.

IT'S SIMPLE BUT
I CAN'T EXPLAIN THIS

listening to: "Another Perfect Day" by American Hi-Fi
feeling: swayed

(I wrote this on thursday itself, but was missing from this virtual world of mine long enough to put it up only four days later.)

This morning. Still hopelessly plagued by the residue of the terrible mood of yesterday that refused to diffuse into the air. There were a lot of scattered thoughts in my mind like sheets of rain splattering in all directions as i embarked on my second bus, 74, journey to school. Was sitting on the right side of the bus and i peered my nose towards the window in hope that the scenery will help make my dwellings subside. I got a little shock of my life as the scene outside looked really unfamiliar and i almost wanted to get up and alight from the bus. Till, i scanned around to find the recognizable khaki donning figures like any other day. And then this little queer realisation dawned upon me. That either i've always been sleeping, or looking at the left side of the bus probably to see who just boarded the bus, or whether the next stop is reaching. Just like the way i've been seeing things and people around me. Like how i've been so rapt in one side of them that i never bothered to consider the other side of them at all. Suddenly i felt so silly, so strangely light. Whenever we sink into negativity, we just sink in lower and lower without the slightest inkling that we've descended deeper than we actually are. That we've forgotten all the good things that still remained. Look at the bright side of life. How cliched but very true. The more i think, the sillier i felt. And the clouds of melancholy that seemed to hover above me suddenly disappeared. Sounds unbelievably perplexing that so much could derive from that instant of awakening but as i alighted from the bus, i felt thankful for the ride.

And then ivy came to me after assembly with this sweet little note that set my eyes brimming with tears. (luckily i didnt cry) I felt insignificant like a mote of dust in this universe as compared to that heart of hers that seems overwhelming. Felt so touched that i didnt know what to say, but thanks babe, though you'll probably never read this. The note means a lot to me. :)

Ate yu pian mian xian, orange bowl, wontons, chicken drumlet, guava, curry puff, sugar cane drink and chocolate ice kachang altogether after school at amk and took 86 home after that. Sat on the right side of the bus looking out of the window panes, as the familiar surroundings that i've frequented since young whizzed past me. This time, i do not want to miss anything again. I think i have overlooked too many things in my life.