Monday, April 5, 2004 / 10:39 p.m.
THE MORE I GROW
THE LESS I KNOW
listening to: "Try" by Nelly Furtado
feeling: tired
It's funny how people come up to me suspecting the person i was talking about in the previous entry were themselves or somebody else, when they are far from provoking me. :) E.g marcus, you're not even nice and harmless! *haha*
Arghs. I feel the soft humdrum of insipidity slowly seeping into my life, making it bland and aimless. I realise i've been living everyday for granted and just accepting whatever queer happenings life throws at me. I dream about ideals and perfection, yet reality comes crashing down like heavy rain that falls hard on my face. Life often falls short of our expectations and i am probably weary of the disappointment that comes my way. Which probably explains why it has been so mundane these days. I no longer look forward to or anticipate anything anymore. The only thing that probably matters most to me now is badminton.
All I know
is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me
Friday, April 2, 2004 / 09:50 p.m.
I WAS HERE
AND YOU WERE THERE
listening to: "One Last Cry" by Brian Mcknight
feeling: silly
If i said the match against meilin and huimin the previous time was one when my heart nearly jumped out of my mouth, well, today's match had my heart flying across the court! Whee.. think the ten push-ups punishment for each poor service served as an effective way of curbing our tendencies to display our atrocious services. Fought like crazy with jillian today. Hope it gets better and better! :)
It could have been an otherwise boring day with five periods of council elections this morning. Sinhui and i thought hard of every possible way to escape, but the teachers disappointed us again and again by guarding every possible entrance! Sigh. Jillian managed to escape and ate macs breakfast and PLAYED MAHJONG at her classmate's house nearby!!! Oh goodness haha! While poor sinhui and i nearly broke our necks trying to sleep against the wall in the overcrowded LT listening to music.
I am too, experiencing mixed feelings towards this particular someone who strikes me as this particular personality sometimes, yet somewhat very different at other times. How do you treat someone who can be nice and harmless yet arrogant and egoistic on the other hand? It will be really childish of me, as i already have proven, to treat this person with nonchalence plus a tinge of dislike. Besides, i judged him based on mere few comments of his (which can be quite provoking). Yet on the other hand, i would be really hypocrital to put a smile of friendliness and mask everything with amiability. Well, i just hope this undesirable dislike in me will fade away, as it is starting to.
I can hardly find a bunch of friends elsewhere that can yak away with me together almost non-stop for hours (except when our food arrive at our table haha)! How amazing. This teammates of mine can just form a circle anywhere and start talking like nobody's business! Our conversation on wednesday swang a little on the intellectual side for once after the run, which convinced me that we can really chat on any topics for hours! (you see, we are always talking nonsense and laughing hysterically) I wish i can tape everything down! And i really wish we could go on forever like this and never end. Trainings, dinners, conversations.. But they say the end doesnt matter, it's the journey. And i reckon so.
My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands
Standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings was gone
I gave my best to you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry
One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry
Monday, March 29, 2004 / 12:24 a.m.
A LOVELY BIRTHDAY SURPRISE
listening to: "All By Myself" by Celine Dion
feeling: happy, satisfied, tired
Today's happenings came pouring into my mind in all sorts of directions whenever i try to recall them. I think i shall attempt to jot them down here since my mind is still fresh and stimulated from all the excitement.
Boon, pris, chel and i were supposed to eat at Max Brenner at the esplanade tonight as an early birthday celebration for chel. Boon, sam and i met before that to find a venue to spring a birthday surprise for chel. The roof terrace was beautiful! It overlooked the whole stretch river that seemed really picturesque with the lovely lit up buildings behind. The colourful lights poured down from the buildings onto the crumpled blanket of water, making it shimmer and glow and adding beauty to the night. Our plan was thwarted because the doors closes at 10 pm and we couldnt have tricked rachel there in time. Hence we left sam to his own devices and rushed to meet rachel and pris. In the meanwhile, we bumped into daryl who frantically hid behind the pillar thinking rachel was with us. (chel didnt know sam and daryl would be meeting us) He was in such a comical sight! Trying hard to discuss the plan with us while constantly peering over his shoulders and panicked at any sight of females lurking around. Hahaha! I really had the mind to film him down! It was really such a pity he didnt bring his guitar along. It would have been really romantic and sweeet! So anyway, we had our dessert at Max Brenner. The small piece of rocher (whatever the spelling) was really a delight topped with some chocolate sauce and chunks of oranges. The crepe was fine and the fondue was quite special, well at least to me who never ate there before. Three flavours of chocolate sauce came in tiny pots that stood over candleholder with the candle heating the sauce up. We were given miserly dices of bread, marshmellow, banana and strawberry but we had fun eating them. It was sinful but really yummy! In the meanwhile, we were notified that the two guys had found some nice quiet place to hold the surprise and after the dessert, we soon bluffed our way through there and took several photos along the path. When we approached the little shelter decorated with lovely balloons where daryl, sam and beatrice were hiding, chel was exclaiming to pris ironically that the guy at the shelter was so sweet to his girlfriend. Then tada! The three familiar faces emerged and we sang chel birthday song while she stood in shock and silly smiles. They had further decorated the place with candles and daryl bought a lovely ice cream cake from haagan daaz. While sam bought corny plastic glasses with stands and red wine. Then a series of strange coincidences unravelled all at once right in front of chel. Earlier on, she was talking about sam and wine, balloons, haagen daaz, and complaining that daryl hadnt really intend to plan much about her birthday. Also, boon and pris chose a bag for our shared present which was exactly the one her sis is carrying now,(they had no idea she has it), and chel was just asking beatrice this morning where did she buy the bag! Wheee. I thought the most freaky one was chel telling pris that the boyfriend at the shelter was so sweet, which turned out to be her own sweet boyfriend! Chel couldnt help exclaiming at the strange coincidences. Just imagine mentioning about everything that actually happened right before her eyes! :) Beautiful and strange, perhaps fate, whatever you call it, i'm sure we made chel so so happy today. Happy early birthday babe! Stay pretty, cute, bimbotic, corny, our good ol' chel! Love you! <3
My feet have gone all sore and wobbly from the sprinting on friday. And of course, walking up and down town several times with szuyu yesterday. It's been months since we've last talked or gone out! It was inexplicably strange that we talked as if it was another other day. Which was really nice, of course. We spent the day queueing here and there for movies, which we didnt catch any in the end! Took a neoprint card (it's been long since i've took one) and it turned out quite nice despite the lousy background! Wheee. Took a lot of photos yesterday and today. Will try to steal them and upload soon!
Saturday, March 27, 2004 / 12:27 a.m.
BEFORE YOU JUDGE ME
TRY HARD TO LOVE ME
listening to: "Childhood" by Michael Jackson
feeling: tired
Have you seen my childhood?
I'm searching for the world that i come from
'cause i've been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
'cause i keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me...
People say i'm not okay
'cause i love such elementary things...
It's been my fate to compensate,
For the childhood
I've never known...
Have you seen my childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like pirates in adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne...
Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my childhood?
Have you seen my childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
The dreams i would dare, watch me fly...
Before you judge me, try hard to love me.
The painful youth i've had
Have you seen my childhood....
:( How sad.
Friday, March 26, 2004 / 11:29 p.m.
ALL BY MYSELF
Unlimited supply of red tea ice jelly (suggested by huimin) will be our reward for improving enough to win *****! (names unrevealed for any case of misunderstanding) I'm really amused by this, especially since it has become our common favourite drink for now.
FEED for my block tests. Nothing much to comment about, except that i've spent quite a lot of my effort in physics, yet the F is atrociously low! And i mean atrociously low. They calculated and told me the highest scorer in the cohort has a remarkable score 4.5 times my score! Hmmms, quite amusing actually.. Haha..
Do you find yourself, sometimes, at the brink of getting thrown off as the world keeps spinning at a pace you could hardly breathe?
Monday, March 22, 2004 / 10:27 p.m.
LOOK AT THE STARS
LOOK HOW THEY SHINE FOR YOU
listening to: "Yellow" by Coldplay
feeling: inspired
Today's match was probably the most exciting and heart thumping one i've ever played! Can't remember the scores of the first two matches but the rubble set was 13-12, deuce. The rallies were long and exciting! I swear my heart almost jumped out of my mouth everytime it's over to meilin and huimin's service at crucial matchpoint and the tension in the air intensified as the scores drew close and progressed towards the end. Jillian and i even hugged in exhilaration and relief when we won! Come to think of it, we must have looked pretty silly huh? Hee. I am greatly inspired by this match because it's an improvement for the four of us in the area of co-ordination and attack and defence and most importantly, i could feel the fighting spirit surging up within ourselves! Of course, there is still room for improvement, but i do pray the four of us can display this fighting spirit again during tournament! :)
It shows me that once you set your mind on something, you can really go all the way and surprise yourself. I do hope i can overcome my inner fear during tournament like i did today, for i cant allow myself to repeat my mistakes again. Most importantly, fear inside yourself is scarier than the opponents themselves.
Monday, March 22, 2004 / 12:46 a.m.
I SAID I WAS FINE
BUT BABY I WAS LYING
listening to: "Hard to Say I'm Sorry" by Az Yet
feeling: thoughtful
Through these years, i've grown to think that life is too short for regrets. We often say we want to turn back time, to undo things, set them right, but would everything have turned out the way we want them to be? It is often these very things that make us who we are today, and we learn from them, whether good or bad. If i am given a chance, i'll rather not turn back the hands of time. Not to say i've done everything right, i sure have my tastes of regret, but i've learnt much from everything that have come my way. Though I know, judging from my level of maturity, i still have so much more to absorb and experience. Well, life is about learning, aint it?
Oh, did i mention i am hooked to memoirs of a geisha? It works like a subtle spell that slowly releases its rancor on me and there's no antidote. The novel is weaved with delicate lyricism and the similes and metaphors used were quite unique and apt. The interesting insight into a culture and society I’ve never been exposed to and the impersonation told with such grace and luminosity are probably what spur me to read on and savour every bit. Beautifully written. :)
We all know that a winter scene, though it may be covered over one day, with even the trees dressed in shawls of snow, will be unrecognizable with the following spring. Yet i had never imagined such a thing could occur within our very selves. When i first learned the news of my family, it was as though i'd been covered over by a blanket of snow. But in time the terrible coldness had melted away to reveal a landscape i'd never seen before or even imagined. I don't know if this will make sense to you, but my mind on the eve of my debut was like a garden in which the flowers have only begun to poke their faces up through the soil, so that it is still impossible to tell how things will look. I was brimming with excitement; and in this garden of mind stood a statue, precisely in the center. It was an image of the geisha i wanted to become.
- Memoirs of a Geisha
Sunday, March 21, 2004 / 11:40 a.m.
I SAID I DONT LOVE YOU
BUT YOU KNOW I'M A LIAR
listening to: "Fire" by Babyface
feeling: blissful
It feels strange to think that a lot have been going on in your life while you’re away, and you expect the same elsewhere, but you return to find out that nothing much has changed. And I have a feeling this entry is gonna be long.
Training on thursday was quite fun towards the end where we played several exciting matches, though I felt quite sick during the drills. Oh, I finally took out my stitches! Thank goodness, no pain at all. Went for lunch with the girls except ivy in town after that and shortly after huimin left, we set off to jillian’s house. Slacked around, played mahjong for a while and we got to taste delicious nasi lemak whipped up by jillian’s mum! The chicken wing, the fried egg, the long beans, the ikan bilis and of course, the chili! Oh and when we were taking a stroll around her estate, jill showed us the weirdest and probably funniest looking dog I’ve ever seen – a poodle with tiny brown curls wearing four mini corny shoes.
Yesterday was spent at jessica’s house – my second home! Went Thomson plaza to buy some ingredients for the brownies. Before we were about to step on the escalator, Jessica asked me to look out for a bunny. I thought she meant barney, probably some barney cd at the nearby cd stall and I turned around, to my utter horror, to find this enormous silly looking pink bunny right in front of me! At the time, some promoter somewhere was using the mike and said “Don’t be afraid, there’s a bunny!” How embarrassing it was for me, because as a normal person should normally react, as i insist, i ran away! But that’s not the end. We were nearing the dairy section at the supermarket and i turned around to find myself really close to this gigantic piece of cheese on a pair of legs. It stood really still there for a while and i peered close enough to realize there’s this tiny red light in the middle of the yellow chunk, so I determined that was just a statue. Little did I know that as i started to turn my back on it, it started following me and gave me a scare! It waved to me as well. Sigh. As one could easily guess, Jessica was laughing and enjoying every moment as her poor friend was terrorized by silly huge creatures.
Went back to her house and we baked brownies! Added chunks of chips ahoy chocolate cookies topped with walnut and the brownies turned out to be such a delight! I love both the fudge-like and cake-like parts! Tried cooking fried rice too and I guess it aint that bad huh? But I guess that spells the fact that the tasty plate of fried rice I’ve managed to whipped up in sec 1 during home econs exam was a pure and beautiful accident. As we sat in the living room, with light rays barely filtering through the shut windows for visual satisfaction, indulging in sinful chocolatey delight while sipping hot authentic green tea, and watching Pirates of the Caribbean on her large flat screen blasted to the fullest, I wish time would stop there. It felt really good. Caught The Lion King right at the sad part just after we stepped out of the world of pirates and I was really surprised at myself for tearing at the exact part like I did years ago! –hides face- Anyway I love that show! Hakuna Matata! Hehs. We spent the rest of the night in her room playing cards, listening to music, sipping Campbell soup and dozed off at around 5 am.
And so, this march holidays ended on a satisfying note. In retrospect, it was quite well spent and fruitful despite the fact that I hadn’t touched a bit of my homework (I was notified much later by its existence you see, and my notes were blank.) Perhaps it’s really time to get back to lessons, people and take a little time off my musings.
Thursday, March 18, 2004 / 02:38 a.m.
TWO CENTS WORTH
Alright. I've had enough. Seriously. I'm extremely sick of all these comments that are making me irate. Firstly, badminton may seem easy coz all you do is anyhow hold the racket and just hit the shuttlecock over the net. But it's a different story all together when speed, strategy, strokes, footwork, reflexes and stamina come into play. I am not a professional AT ALL myself, i play really lousily though i'm from SNBT. But let me tell you, it ain't that easy. You need years of foundation and good coaching to be a good player. Badminton is my pride. It has always been since i'm in sec 1 and so is it now. Secondly, to you, i'm proud of SNBT, i'm proud of HCBT. Don't insult them like you're too good and mighty for us. And by the way, just to hurl you in for a shock, you're not!
Uh, i know i'll laugh at myself for getting so agitated over this. But you know how little matters accumulate inside and you feel the fury mount up like a storage for fuel, till one day someone boldly strikes a match?
Wednesday, March 17, 2004 / 11:29 p.m.
I'M TIRED OF CLOSING
MY EYES WITHOUT YOU
listening to: "To Stay" by Breeze
feeling: relaxed
No bad comments about my teeth so far! Hope it's not a form of consolation though. Or am i too paranoid? By the way, taking the braces out was a really fast procedure. My orthodontist simply yanked the brackets together with the wire and rubber bands off my teeth (that was a lil painful actually)! It felt really weird at first in the sense that i could close my mouth so smoothly. And oooh, lilian was the first to see my new set of straight teeth! :) I feel really grateful and guilty to my father coz the braces came with a really hefty price. BUT, trust me, one would shake his head and walk away upon seeing all the frightening jagged edges in my mouth! Oooh, boon gotta take hers off this following monday! How exciting.. we gonna meet up soon and take photos! Wheee.. And meilin took hers off recently too. Cool. I think maybe i should write a Thank You card to my orthodontist even though we barely talked about anything else besides my teeth throughout these years. :)
After huangcheng and dinner today, charlene and i settled down on those comfy red couches at Pacific Coffee (i think??) at citylink and had a really nice and relaxing talk for an hour and a half? From people to movies to friends to dreams and ideals. Been wanting to do that for a long time! :) Wanted to chat longer but we rushed home to catch American Idol.. which i apparently could not catch in time. Guess we all are often too busy to really sit down and have heart to heart talks these days.
Wednesday, March 17, 2004 / 10:55 a.m.
MY HEART WAS HEAVY
THE DAY YOU TOOK IT AWAY
listening to: "Goodbye" by Air Supply
feeling: surreal
The soft sand beneath my feet
The iridescent lights across the waves
The hovering, baffling, majestic sky
The splendour of the night tempts.
It lures me into an ocean of you
The aching heart
The yearning soul
The source of solace –
The familiar face, materializes.
The receding sentiment came back to me
The intricate mess of ecstasy with
The bitterness it brings
The game that I played
The player did not move.
And I fell once more.
Saturday, March 13, 2004 / 08:53 p.m.
I suddenly have the urge to write again, hopefully not a contrast too stark to the previous one. Having read my blog entries created a mere few years ago, this inexplicable fear mount up inside me. Could a person actually morph into something amazingly different in a short span of time? I can't even bear to think that i had once such silly thoughts and acts of immaturity. Did i change a lot, sinhui? I have such a vague impression of myself all of a sudden. Was i really the one who tried too hard? One who indulged in self-negativity and insecurity? Sorry boon and chel. How did you guys ever tolerate that? And joe-han, what's your impression of me in primary school? If you are to ask me for a description of myself just a mere few years ago, i'm afraid my tongue is tied. Perhaps i have spent too much time worrying how others feel that i lost track of how i felt. And perhaps, i haven't the slightest inkling that i'm still the insignificant irksome me. Was i?
Sometimes, self-discovery can be freaky.
Saturday, March 13, 2004 / 08:05 p.m.
YOU USED TO CAPTIVATE ME
BY YOUR RESONATING LIGHT
listening to: ”My Immortal” by Evanescence
feeling: pleased
Went NUS open house with boonie today and we felt really kiasu amidst the sea of fresh A level degree holders but oh wells, many j1s went too! Saw A LOT of familiar faces, some whom I’ve not seen for really long. Shared cab with waiyin and her friend! Haha. Boonie got really hyped up coz she kind of know what courses she will want to take while I’m still a litte hesitant. But I guess I’m gonna study really really hard and apply for scholarship to lessen my dad’s burden and try to enter nus. It’s really intimidating having to make decisions that really determine and shape your future. I think I have been ambitionless for too long. It’s a shame. Perhaps it’s really time to sit down and think. I can’t afford to dash the high hopes my family placed upon me! So anyway, we kind of planned our future together! Hee, probably we’ll stay in the hostel (where we can go out together and have fun!), work to pay for our expenses (payday will be damn shiok!), and join this university scholar programme (nothing to do with scholars, though) where many fun activities are organized and we get to interact with people from other faculties. I heard one barely get to establish any strong friendships in university so I guess the programme is a good idea! Though it’s quite taxing I think. Oh wells. Boon is getting me all keyed up with all this future planning! Maybe that’s what they mean when they say it's important to have a goal to strive towards! Though I really wish I can have all my good friends around me.
Went town after that and we had a crazy shopping trip! Or more like window shopping I guess. Our legs ached like crazy and boon started to speak incoherently from all the walking! Saw her Guess skirt which is really really pretty.. you gotta buy it despite the hefty price girl! :) *envious* We bought this pink striped top together – our only purchase of the day. (you gotta thank me boon) Saw szuyu and kinda talked to her! =) Hope she and rach entered the clean and clear galpal competition thingy. To conclude, it’s a fulfilling and happy day!
Friday, March 12, 2004 / 02:14 p.m.
A MAUDLIN FOOL
listening to: "In This Life" by Ronan Keating
feeling: numb
Took out my wisdom tooth and nono I’m not less wise thank you marcus. Chose local anaesthesia and I had to go through the horror while I was conscious. Firstly I had to put on those blue patient gown, “shower” cap and mini shower-cap-like thingies to cover my slippers. I didn’t know I had to be in this amusing yet daunting outfit and it further heightened the fear inside me. Was brought to the surgery room and I saw trays of freaky metallic instruments pushed towards me, and they put this green cloth over my body and also tightly hovering over my eyes. So basically look like a green monster with a mouth and a nose. I swear my heart almost jumped out of my mouth! The doctor was really nice, asking me how I was throughout the whole procedure and surprisingly, the injection of anaesthesia in my gums wasn’t that terrifying and excruciating like the previous time! Perhaps I was too panicky over the real operation. So throughout the surgery, there was a lot of drillings and intense pressure, threads and oozing blood, fear and imaginary pain. I think they cut my gums, drilled my tooth into HALF, then forcefully pulled those two bits out of my gum and sewed the gaping hole back. By the way, I kept the two halves and anybody is welcomed to take a look at them. Quite interesting! Just for the gruesome effect, I think there is a little chunk of my gum still stuck to the extracted tooth. Hehehe.
Actually I feel really like a wimp getting frightened over a minor operation where millions of people out there have risked their lives during operation. But still.. it’s my first time! And thank you to those who were concerned because you guys (you know who you are) certainly made me feel better! I kept reading the smses over and over again to gain some moral support. Hahaha. So embarrassing. Right now the anaesthesia hasn’t gone off yet. I tried eating on the other side but the porridge kept spilling. And my lips felt like some macabre mash and part of my chin, a piece of raw tender lean meat. Okay my face will swell in the next few days so till then, it’s antibiotics, painkillers, porridge, tv, sleep and memoirs of a geisha for me!
Thursday, March 11, 2004 / 08:24 p.m.
RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD
listening to: "She Believes in Me" by Ronan Keating
feeling: elated
Today's physics paper was a killer (to me at least), but nonetheless everything's over now! Went with some classmates to Cafe Cartel for lunch before watching The Butterfly Effect with sinhui. It's a really good show! (Ashton Kutcher is cute and Amy Smart really pretty!) For two hours, we've been exposed to intense suspense, thrills and stimulation. It's quite cool how one thing is linked to another and leads to another twist that is really intriguing. And the way history was re-written to rid the traumatic past but brought upon more disasters in the end. Lingering is the fact that it may not be such a good thing wanting to turn back the hands of time after all. The show really stirred my emotions at some parts especially the ending. The subtle sadness and helplessness that slowly seeped into my heart, yet knowing that was the best way to end this ardous journey of time littered with marred childhood and painful memories. The love he had for her was so noble. Perhaps love really doesnt not mean posession. And maybe, just maybe, forgetting is the better way out...
And so we left the theatre feeling really dazed and temporarily lost in the engaging scenes that kept swirling in our minds. Sinhui got so blur she didnt even recognise the presence of other humans in the lift. And she thought i was hallucinating. :/ Ooh we bought pretty glittery nail polish! Hmmms, and that's pretty all about today.
I need to remind myself of all the things i need to do during the march holidays! Pluck my wisdom tooth tomorrow *shudders*, class chalet (if i can heal by then), take out my braces *oh man!*, huangcheng, mahjong, meet up with jess, catch Big Fish, high tea buffet, friendlies with NY, finish watching Sound of the Music, read Memoirs of a Geisha and write letters to my big and small mortal!
I've been into my dreamy mood lately. Letting the world pass by as i'm lost in my own reverie. Perhaps it's the rain. Peering out of the window watching how the rain droplets create symphonies, savouring the cold crisp air that still lingers and the tranquility that comes thereafter. It beckons me to my dreams. Oh wells, i just hope the rain doesnt leave as fast as it came.
Happy belated birthday to sinhui (hope u like the skirt!), thank you huimin for the heartwarming message and good luck to the bio people tomorrow!
A nice sweet song for the balming night :)
While she lays sleeping
I stay out late at night and play my songs
And sometimes all the nights can be so long
And it’s good when I finally make it home
All alone
While she lays dreamin’
I touch her face across the silver light
I see her dreams that drift up to the sky
And she wakes up to my kiss, and I say it’s alright
And I hold her tight
And she believes in me
I’ll never know just what she sees in me
I told her someday, if she was my girl
I could change the world
With my songs, I was wrong
But she has faith in me
And so I go on tryin’ faithfully
Forever in my heart she will remain
And I’ll hope and pray
I will find a way, find a way
Sunday, March 6, 2004 / 11:13 p.m.
LET'S START A CHAPTER
IN THE STORY OF LOVE
listening to: ”The Story of Love” by OTT
feeling: sleepy
i'm sorry meilin, i broke my promise about not coming online! I just cant stand facing a pile of econs notes i havent the slightest inkling what it is waiting to unravel. Nor am i able to make myself further demoralised as my eyes struggle to follow the alienic jargon and fail to connect to the brain. I have been trying to study hard these days because i want to be hardworking, sadly seemingly self-satisfying, rather than mere block test results that has nothing to do with my As. But frustration has taken over me. Not being able to understand anything is frustrating!
Studies aside, little gestures from my friends really touch me. Especially when I feel forgotten these days. The feeling of being remembered is inescapably delightful. I received a msg from huihui today telling me about her A level results and that she had always been wanting to write to me. Why, I haven’t seen her name pop up in my inbox for more than a year! I still remember vividly how sinhui and I met her during SyNerGiSe in five years ago, where our friendship blossomed beautifully in an amazing way. She was the first person older than me whom I felt close to in st nicks. And probably the only one too. We used to exchange letters and share secrets and problems, constantly confiding in each other and providing a listening ear. Like an angel who touched upon my life, she really showed me what genuine friendship is. And I’m not exaggerating! Sadly we drifted apart when she graduated and the last contact I recall is her giving me advice over which subject combi to take in jc on the phone. It’s a pity when Fate brings people together and pulls them apart. And slowly forged bonds weaken, memories evaporate and tongues get tied. Perhaps time is a test of friendship. Somehow a cruel one. How uplifting it will be when somewhere, somehow, several years down the road, we will meet again and find joy in each other’s arms.
To jess for her most unpredictable smses to meet up, angel waikit for the lovely 69 belt, mortal vernon for the letter written in your probably haunted camp and huihui for today, thank you!
Saturday, March 6, 2004 / 12:01 a.m.
BABY THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT YOU
THAT I CAN HOLD ON TO
listening to: "Something About You" by Five For Fighting
feeling: mixed
Gosh, i've been burying my head in those mountainic heap of notes for the past few days at bishan cc like the pre-promos period last year! Yet i feel this paranoia at the back of my head that nothing much has gone in, especially after meilin and i tried testing each other just now. Still, i'm quite proud of myself for being more and more hardworking! :) Can really feel myself changing. I am aiming for the Good Progress Award! HAHAHA. It's just econs. :(
Sometimes, the irony lies in one not practising what one preaches. You can hide in your own facade and take a cynical pleasure in discovering others' flaws, yet never realise they mirror your own too. But what more can i say? I'm not exactly fit to say this since i'm, too, far from perfect.
Well, i can't be bothered anymore. By the way, it feels really nice to be remembered once in a while. :)
Monday, March 1, 2004 / 07:20 p.m.
BITTERSWEET
listening to :"Sometimes Love Just Aint Enough" by Patty Smyth
feeling: lazy
Like the comprehension passage has mentioned, how reassuring it is to have our bleakest moments echoed in the works of literature and to me, songs. Perhaps that's why i seek solace in music, something essential that i have an electic taste in. Different songs play on my many mixed emotions and sometimes, activate a rush of memories. Havent you, at times, find yourself in the brink of tears upon hearing the song that you've heard years back with someone close, the very same tune that tugged at your heartstring? Or one that effortlessly unravels the knots and tells your mind what your heart is feeling? Or probably just one that simply makes you smile without knowing why.
After three years, people still ask me why do i blog. And throughout these years i give different answers. To vent my frustrations? To keep my friends updated of my life? To keep a chronicle of these few years spent in colours, a little virtual place to store my memories? Frankly, i'm having a love-hate relationship with this blogging matter. Thankful that i am able to piece the bits and pieces of my life, yet at the same time, not being able to reveal too much of my private thoughts. I can only mask them in contrived, broken lines that resemble the confusion from within. I don't write on paper journal because it's easier typing here, maybe? Every end marks a new beginning. And maybe an end is inevitable. But, not for now.
There's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Sunday, February 29, 2004 / 11:47 p.m.
COZ BABY GOODBYE...
DOESNT MEAN FOREVER
listening to: "Goodbye Girl" by Bread
feeling: lost
There are so many matters i wanted to say in my blog everytime i experience this immense emotion or provoking thought but somehow, they faded away by the time i place my fingers on the keyboard. And if i am to talk about them now, it wouldnt turn out the way i had truly felt.
By the way, is life really all about achievements? You may have all the medals you've clinched in your life, or those pretty academic certificates you've received, but does that make you a success? It does not give you the right to go around looking down on people like that. Maybe you should step out of your on world for a while. Before you get too high and mighty your head may touch the clouds one day.
Onto something else, block tests is in a week's time! May be dying, but at least i have some tutorials done unlike last year. :)
Did anybody catch the Free Willy Special during commercial on channel 5? It's really sad. :( Sad song too.
Wednesday, February 25, 2004 / 07:58 p.m.
A LITTLE BIRD WHO'LL SING ABOUT
THE MAGIC THAT WAS YOU AND ME
listening to: "Gui Ji" by Jay Chou
feeling: tired!
Amidst the sweltering weather and scorching sun, the passing cars and heels hot on fire, we managed to run to KAP from school and back! Gosh, we took around 50 minutes. For such a lazy person like me, this is the longest run of my life. Hee. I really appreciate my teammates' presence as we always come naturally together and talk about everything under the sun. Laughed like an idiot during cool down just now. Eeps, I really dread the day tournament ends! :/
Oh yes, i broke my racket frame while doing smashes on friday. This would be my second time already. Sigh, guess i'm not fated to bring this racket to battle on court.
By the way, mr lock made badminton totally boring. What a shame. :(
Tuesday, February 24, 2004 / 23:57 p.m.
SHE LETS HERSELF GO
LIKE AN ANGEL IN THE SNOW
listening to: "Candleburn" by Dishwalla
feeling: strange
I realise that whenever i say i prefer something to the other, it's often because i'm used to it. I thought i never liked a routined style of living yet at times, i cannot accept changes. I take time.
Nice song. Thanks marcus!
on Vineland past the candle shrine that burns on every night
for someone
she lets herself go
like an angel in the snow
she lays down on her back
down on her back - she goes
take me over when I'm gone
take me over make me strong
take me over when I'm gone
will they burn for me
on Vineland past the candle shrine that melts into the street design
she waits - for someone
tonight she'll give herself away
she'll break apart all by herself
its so easy how we come undone
