stupid stupid stupid -_-

So Dave can be an amazing idiot sometimes.

I left his lights on when I borrowed his car the other day (I had stolen it because Jess had stolen mine XO), so he needed a jump start. So we go outside, I start my car, he hooks up the wires, he starts his car, and boom! it turns on. Of course, when you jump a car, you need to leave it running for about half an hour to recharge the battery.

This was at noon.

Please note the time I added this entry. I just woke up from my nap to turn off his car because apparently he has fallen asleep somewhere.

Granted, my computer clock is about 5 minutes fast. But he still left his car running for, oh... Two hours and twenty minutes.

Idiot. -_-

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 02:29 p.m., Friday, June 20, 2003

mmmmpurr

There were so many happy things about yesterday! :D

First, I started teaching Anthony to drive a standard. He was much better than Jess, plus I didn't fear for my life when I took him on the road. We did starts and stops for like thirty minutes, and then some driving and he was awesome. A little trouble with hill starts (which are really difficult at first), but overall very very nicely done. Then we went for ice cream. ;D

And then I went to work. 3102 decided after the third loop that it wanted to retire for the night, so one of my air lines to my brakes went pop. Yup, I started losing air to my air brakes! Fortunately, it was only one tank and the governor built up pressure fast enough, but Matt still had to swap it out (which was good). So then I got 3114 which is nice to drive. But...

I had purchased and eaten half of a chicken wrap, and apparently had eaten it too fast, because my stomach started to hurt. I tried taking a Tums, but to no avail. So on my second to last loop, I went to lay down in the back of the bus. A few minutes later, some big jerk wanted to put his groceries on the bus, so I opened the door and let him in. Tummy still hurt. Next loop I got to Stop and Shop at ten past ten (very early), let everyone off, then proceeded to go to the back to lay down in order to make the pain stop. ;_;

I wake up with a jerk because my arm is asleep, and immediately start panicking and race to the front of the bus. I am supposed to leave at 10:40 in order to get to Big Y at 10:45.

It's 11:03.

Of course there were a bunch of passengers waiting, and eventually I ended up being only like eight minutes late getting back to the garage, but it was still embarrassing. Ehn. I just need a watch with an alarm on it next time.

I also nearly forgot to take care of Sam's dogs, but something Matt said reminded me, which was good. They're kind of a pain, but it's okay. I like Henry the best. He makes me laugh.

Okay. That was my story.

There were other reasons why it was an amazing day, but I don't think I'll post them here. Ask if you really want. ;D.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 09:31 a.m., Wednesday, June 18, 2003

good lord

I am quite possibly the luckiest girl in the universe.

It's unbelievably overwhelming.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 02:38 p.m., Tuesday, June 17, 2003

:D

Suffice it to say, it is better not to be crazy and paranoid than to be. Why do I always have to learn these things the hard way? ;D

Meta, I'm still grumpy you didn't call me earlier. You are a silly girl. SO JUST CALL ME NEXT TIME. Hmph.

Okay, I should go. Gotta do the dogs again. x.x Sigh.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 09:45 a.m., Tuesday, June 17, 2003

z.z :p

I should shower and go take care of Sam's dogs. Bleh.

It's sad when I'm this lazy on the very first day. x.x Woo, two more weeks!

I wanna wake Jess up. The bum. How come I can't seem to sleep past 6 am anymore?

Poop poop poop. -_-

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 09:43 a.m., Sunday, June 15, 2003

yay :D

What a nice day it was today. ^_^

I am terribly exhausted. I forget to mention I almost died in a horrific car wreck right before I picked up Tati. Ehn.

*sn* Dave is possibly the best human being in the world, next to Tati. Thanks, guys.

So it's okay, I decided. Whatever, as it were. I know I'm a kind person, and if that is not appreciated, whatever. ^_^ I have everything I want and I'm secure and content, and really, I'm not so easily upset as to be dragged down by other people.

I get to go dress shopping tomorrow! Hurray! Hopefully, I shan't spend anymore money in that wretched Victoria's Secret store. Yes. Terrible place.

And Amy? (if you are reading this ;D) If I don't really need to go out of my way to make you feel comfortable, then I won't. It's fine. If you want me stop worrying, it's done. I see that my honest worry and concern has gotten me nowhere, except on your bad side, so I'll just stop. And no one told me that my blog made you feel awkward - I think it was inherently obvious, and that most people would feel weird in your position. But that's it, no more apologies from me. I don't regret anything I've done.

Andrea is /awesome/. (Look, too lazy to use italics!) Everyone was today. They were all so cool and good and made me really happy. ^_^ And all so willing to indulge my Uno fetish! Yeah, Andrea is good. I shall make her sing for me someday! ;D It startled me that she seemed to like me and enjoy my sense of humor... :D But didn't displease me, not at all. She is a good. I approve of her too. ;D

Speaking of which, she said something this evening that made me pause. I won't go into detail, but I think if he got me something, anything really, it would be special and amazing becaus it would be from him, not because of any material worth. YES, I AM A SAP, hush Meta. -_- But whatever. It's true. Even the sap bit. :p H8.

Yeah, so still a little frustrated, but what can you do? I did all I could. Maybe it's time for a different approach...

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 01:12 a.m., Sunday, June 15, 2003

badum!

Well!

I haven't updated in a while, and I'd been so good about it, so I guess I'll do one tonight.

I am exhausted. Physically, mind you, mostly because of the ridiculous hours I keep. I need friends who like to go to bed early, and to have work that starts after 6:15 am. Granted, it's SUPER fun to sit around and check fluids on transit vehicles, especially afterwards where you smell like diesel and gas and transmission fluid and power steering fluid and usually engine oil as well. Let me tell you - that's sexy.

I would like you to notice that I am using italics and not slashes BECAUSE SOME BIG JERK COMPLAINED THAT I WAS LAZY.

;D

Anyway. I'm nervous about Saturday. Things are exactly the same, yet also rather different, and I'm hoping that it doesn't affect anything. I'm weird, I guess. I think it's the same thing for me, too. Like, I feel exactly the same, but very different. I'm happier all the time now. Even just sitting here, I'm happier. I have always been very content in general, but life has gotten ridiculously satisfying (I like the word ridiculous today).

On another note...

Amy, since you're rarely online when I am, I'll leave you a note here since I know you read it. I'm afraid some of the things I am going to say (or have said, for that matter) are going to hurt your feelings in some manner or another. I apologize sincerely for it, because it is not my intention. My blog is where I write my feelings, and I think that some of my feelings might make you feel at least a little uncomfortable. So I'm sorry again, but I can't censor myself, because really this blog is for me. Don't h8 me plz kthx. ;_;

Anyway... x.x

I am getting better about letting things go and taking my time, but I still get spouts of paranoia. Maybe it takes me longer to get used to things than other people. I'm definitely not used to any of this, which is fine because he's exceedingly patient with my neuroses. ;D Okay, I'm really not that bad. But I still appreciate it.

So no dresses or skirts. Shorts are okay, pants are okay. If it says it is going to rain, I'll wear a skirt anyway. ;D It seems maybe not though. Maybe I'll go see what shorts they have at Old Navy. Or pants. It looks like it might be chilly.

I realize I sound terribly, terribly vain, but I want to look very nice. Mass media surrounds a female with the ideal of beauty, making the concept of it seem attainable. It is, for some people, but not for me. I know this, and it's okay. But I still want to look as good as I possibly can, if not for him, then for me. I don't think it's so much of an "I'm not worthy" thing, but more like I want others to have a good first impression of me, which occurs before I even open my mouth.

So! Time to bathe and make myself almost look like a passable human being.

Did you actually read this far down? O_o

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 08:21 p.m., Thursday, June 12, 2003

omg huh? x.o

Wow, omg, just re-read last post. x.x Talk about using Old Irish language structure in English. x_x I mean, wtheck? O_o

Really sleeping now.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 12:08 a.m., Monday, June 9, 2003

too much angst to contain ;D

It's sometimes overwhelmingly painful how some things feel that you just don't want to say, because in the saying it might become real.

Ugh, more often than not I am foolish and stupid. I have no need at all for doubts in anyone. Should I just erase this now?

Probably not, because this is for me. Everything here is me, and I shouldn't have to censor myself. So I won't.

I want to protect him. I want to protect him from everything he has suffered, from everything he will suffer. I want to shield him from the pain the life causes, and I know I can't no matter how hard I try, because I'm only human and because life doesn't work that way. And this frustrates me. I find myself sometimes holding him and just wanting to cry because I know that there are times that he will be unhappy or distressed - there already have been - that I can't help at all, for which I am useless. Maybe it's in the trying to help that I actually do help, that in the trying I show I care. Maybe I'm thinking too much about this. Maybe I should just let things be, que sera sera.

I can't imagine his sweet smile ever becoming commonplace to me.

Yes, Meta. I am a sap. -_- But you still love me anyway. :p

Must work at 8. It's already too late. Work is good; it gets me money.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 11:49 p.m., Sunday, June 8, 2003

too much driving x.x

UTTER EXHAUSTION.

I met his parents. I was terribly worried and I'm afraid I came off a little odd or shy or not as good as I wanted to, but he said it went well. Who knows? He met my mom and dad this weekend, and that was good. I need to talk to them. I need to know the scoop.

Sigh. Did anyone really expect me to turn out to be the luckiest person I know? Not me, but I'm certainly not complaining.

He has SUCH a beautiful voice. Biased? Yes, probably. But it's good, it's really good, all of it. It's a strange feeling to be able to sit with someone in a car and not have the need to speak, to just listen and relax and be happy, to be content and silent and warm and satisfied, and to listen to something beautiful, to someone you really care about. It's nice. It's all very nice.

But on that note, there was way too much driving today. Way, way, way too much. It was a good thing I enjoyed the company in the car. Massachusetts is a small state, but can be ridiculously huge too. Hmph. Ehn, oh well.

Okay, I just need to say good night before I go to sleep...

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 11:57 p.m., Saturday, June 7, 2003

ouchies

Ugh, my head won't stop hurting. This is like five days in a row now. If it doesn't stop by Sunday, I'll go to the doctor. Poop. I hate it when I feel physically weak. I like being strong and in control and in charge.

I bet my temperature is not high, but we'll see. Tesing now.

Nope, 97.2 does not a fever make.

Maybe I'll go home early tomorrow. I don't know. I guess I'll see how I feel.

Someday, someday soon, I'll pwnz you at Uno. Mark my words. I will.

Heh. ^_^ Despite headaches, it's still all good.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 11:37 p.m., Wednesday, June 4, 2003

blatherage

I need to find a dress for my dad's wedding. It's been bugging me for some reason. I want to look really pretty (mostly because there is a boy to impress, but also cuz I just want to), and I'm thinking of maybe white or pale pale blue. Curly hair? Straight? Heels? Sandals? So many things to consider. Must lose the fat before then. Hm. Sit-ups, I should do those. Tomorrow - gym membership, car inspection, work, and boy time, not in that order. Mm, Jess made me a cookie. Yum. Although eating this cookie is not conducive to losing the tummy...

I thought a lot, and it turns out that I'm not really conscious of my weight for him... I mean, he definitely weighs less than me, but if he doesn't care, why should I? I just care about it for myself. I've always wanted to be a size or two smaller than I currently am, and have only once made it (after TMI, actually, but...), and I would like to do so again. When I'm content with myself, I'm an even happier person than normal (which is pretty good, cuz I'm pretty happy most of the time). I like feeling pretty. I like having people look at me and say, there goes a pretty girl. I like feeling attractive and like there is a reason that Anthony would want to be seen with me. ;D Besides the boobies, of course. XD JUST KIDDING.

Anyway. Yes. This is my goal. If I lost twenty pounds I'd be friggin hot. It seems unlikely, but I'll aim for ten first. I've already lost weight since school ended, which is great, cuz my skinny clothes are starting to fit again. I like that. ;D Hopefully next time I see people I know I'll be a radiant beauty (more so than now, of course), because I always look healthier when I'm happy. Unless, of course, there are circles under my eyes. Then I just look like I got confused putting on my make-up.

Sigh. Sigh sigh sigh. EXTREME is hard. I am dumb at DDR now. It hurts to be dumb again. ;D But I'll learn. Eventually. I hope. x.x

I wonder if Cara will actually visit...?

Okay, time to try on dresses and then bath time. I got the stuff that Tati recommended I use on legs to slow hair growth. I hope it works. I will do anything in order to be lazier than I already am. ;D

Lurve to all.

-J to the a to the i to the mee

I've lived this long loving furtively: 08:50 p.m., Tuesday, June 3, 2003

mm, canoeing

I may have found our campsite... Yay! I need to call tomorrow.

Speaking of campsites, I forgot to link this earlier. Isn't he adorable? XD Totally dorky, at least the picture that is up there as I am writing this. XD! I'm giggling. ;D

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 09:42 p.m., Monday, June 2, 2003

ta dah!

So EXTREME is EXTREMELY fun. I'm really looking forward to playing again. I think Dave is too, which is nice. I like playing with opa. Me, Anthony, Tati, Colin, Jess, Dave, and Jon all went to play today. The pad is NICE. I didn't actually play because I'm busy bleeding and my head has been migrainey for the past few days. And I gave back the shirt so I don't have a nice-smelling black cloth to drape over my eyes. Sigh.

So yes. Momo Mix is apparently there somewhere, but we can't seem to find it, which is sad. It was MAD fun. I wonder how we can unlock it... Most everything else was unlocked today. Pleased! so yes, DDR, then Thai food. I got my doctor's appointment today too. I'm a little anxious about it, but I suppose that's to be expected, right? Ehn, whatever. I'll be fine. It's all good.

I also talked to Dawn today, who is currently in France. I feel bad cuz I babbled for a long time. Sigh. I really do miss her. She's such a sweet girl and really deserves to be happy, which is something is seems she isn't too often. It makes me sad. She's so smart and fun and awesome and good, and she's one of the best friends I've ever had in my life. She's AWEsome. I hope she has an amazing time in France too. I'd be awfully scared in her place.

Speaking of Europe, I need to find a nice deal there.

And look up campgrounds... Maybe I'll do that now.

I still really can't get over this whole Anthony thing. Just... wow. Yup. Wow. /Lordy/, he smells so good. So cuddly. So wonderful. Yes. Yes, I like this one. A lot.

Yum. I'm dating the best-looking, best DDR player in the happy valley. ;D Guess who wins? It's nice to be lucky. Now if I only won scratch tickets...

Okay, yes. I think I'm going to go look up campgrounds now. Six Flags is Sunday, and I'm taking Anthony to meet my parents Friday. I'm excited and nervous. Working tomorrow, but date day was changed to 2 tomorrow. 41 am and 44 mid tomorrow. It should be good. I need to stop buying that boy food because he appreciates it less than everyone else and just doesn't eat it. ;D But oh, do I want watermelon...

Sniff. I should sleep soon in order to wake up for work. Campgrounds, then sleep. Night. ;D

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 08:52 p.m., Monday, June 2, 2003

you kiss

you kiss and you kiss
soft, sweet, roses against my cheeks
brushing smooth over eyelids
graceful, suave, a touch of gentleness
heavy-lidded passion tempered with kindness
you kiss and you kiss
your words are made into kisses, lost in my lips
you breathe kisses into my neck
bend them into my forehead
press them into my mouth with care
and you kiss and you kiss
and I think, distracted by kisses
thank God we have noses

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 04:10 p.m., Monday, June 2, 2003

oops

I lied. He said it was Schubert.

Ah well. ^^;

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 10:04 p.m., Saturday, May 31, 2003

you

you are a million strands of poetry in my mind
lost and recounted, a lilting song
falling and rising, thrumming with my heart
clinging to your image, your scent
i trace your face in my mind
outlined with a million glittering stars that once were tears
half-formed, translucent, startling, lovely
a glimpse of something not always of the present
you are hope and fear in one breath together
and in my mind i wonder a million times why it took so long

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 07:03 p.m., Saturday, May 31, 2003

babblage

I feel very overwhelmed, I guess. Happy, but like I've been startled by something, like I've stumbled over a log and fallen into a day spa. O_o Or something.

Everything is nice. It's nice to be treated so thoughtfully and sweetly. It's nice to be able to babble and have someone listen because he likes /me/, not my front. He's seen me in nearly every possible instance because we've known each other for so long. He's only gone for the weekend, but I already miss him so much. I love spending time with him, even if he's grading papers or something. It's pleasant just to be near him and know he is there. He's warm and sweet and kind and smart and talented, and I am terribly overwhelmed and thrilled and happy, though a little bit frightened.

It's strange that even when I've had crushes on other people, I could never really picture myself kissing them. But with him, it was ridiculously easy. Is that strange? I just knew, and said to myself: this is a boy I can kiss, and one that I could like to kiss. Well, guess what? ;D

I love to just hold him. I love to hear his heart beat. I love to place my face in the crook of shoulder and breathe deeply, to smell him and know he's there, to feel his fingers tightening around mine, to disbelieve every time that he looks me in the eye. I tell myself: /this/ magnificent boy likes /me/, and wonder what he could possibly see, but I can't let myself question too much. He's smart. If he thinks there is something worthwhile there, maybe there actually is.

I could probably go on about him for pages and pages. Is that silly? It's true. Words were always my friends, words and thoughts and ideas, and I have been inundated with them recently. No one hates me because of this, no one is creating drama and angst, and I am grateful. I didn't want to change our group dynamics, though I knew it would at least a little. But I couldn't just let him go. I realized I needed him around too badly, that I cared too much just to stay his friend. I'm so glad. I'm so, so glad.

He's so lovely in every possible way. When did I get so lucky?

I'm so glad I'm picky. I'm so glad my friends are amazing. I'm so glad for stupid things like DDR or the diner or comic books. I owe everyone everything. I owe the sun and the moon, but I don't own them, so I will make do with kindness.

He makes me want to be a better person, a kinder person. I want to measure up. I will try my best. I will try to make him happy. I hope I succeed.

Yes, I am a cheese, but I've needed to get this out for two weeks now.

I'm so happy and content.

Now, if he'd only get back from his parents'...

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 06:32 p.m., Saturday, May 31, 2003

heart heart

Wow.

Life is good.

Just... wow.

I'd write about it in more detail, but I'm busy being overwhelmed and giggly. Maybe later. Everyone knows now, so I can celebrate and do little happy dances and babbles and be happy and content and thrilled and good.

So here goes...

I AM DATING ANTHONY!!!

There. That felt good. Very very very good.

He played Rachmaninoff for me... TEARS! He is SOOO good.

Heh, nice hands too. *sn*

Yes. My life is good. Very very very good. Sexy grad students who play piano and are brilliant and do everything I like to do, plus who like me for who I actually am are a rare commodity these days. My life is good. I am very, very happy.

Shiny.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 01:42 p.m., Saturday, May 31, 2003

z.z

Hee.

I am tired. I blame you. Though it is not a complaint.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 12:23 a.m., Wednesday, May 28, 2003

Misconceptions

So ha ha ha, my day is friggin' funny. -_-

I was supposed to go to Cara's graduation party today, so I got up early, snatched an altogether too brief breakfast, then took off back east. After 2.5 hours of driving, I arrive triumphantly at her house, a tad late...

Without a soul to greet me.

Apparently the party is taking place elsewhere. I'm going to have to call her when I go home in order to apologize. I feel stupid (but not bad about it... didn't want to go. Freud would say that I'm harboring some antagonism towards Cara, and he's be right.), but I'm not complaining. I'd rather be home.

Well, at least I'm not making soup that I'll never have a chance to eat. :D Plus one for me!

Sigh. Sigh sigh sigh. Yes.

That's okay, I'm still really happy. There's something to be said for being easy to please. ^_~

-J
heart heart

I've lived this long loving furtively: 03:08 p.m., Saturday, May 24, 2003

again!

Ooh, my lips /are/ tingly. ^^;; Heee~

-J

man, what a good day

I've lived this long loving furtively: 02:17 a.m., Saturday, May 24, 2003

duuuuude...

Yes equals yes equals yes equals yes. Right?

^______________________^

BTW, Meta, I h8 you. -_- No, not really. But I still h8 you.

Is it creepy not to be able to stop giggling when you're alone?

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 03:08 a.m., Friday, May 23, 2003

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEE EEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've lived this long loving furtively: 12:43 a.m., Friday, May 23, 2003

And I'm still trembling...

BTW, we won our first game.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 08:45 p.m., Thursday, May 22, 2003

argh

Oh lord, four hours. My stomach hurts.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 05:27 p.m., Thursday, May 22, 2003

poetry

For a long time, it bothered me that poetry has seemed to disappear, especially in American culture. We don't listen to someone recite Milton after dinner, or regularly quote from Keats or Shelley (unless one is an English major, and even then you'd be hard pressed to come up with someone who recite a whole sonnet). No new poets are lauded by anyone in the popular media. Poetry is - dare I say it? - outdated.

But we have replaced poetry with something similar. Of course, any time before this century and the past one, we did not have recording devices that would play things in real time, but we did have pen and paper that could capture a feeling and emotion and could be shared. The next step away from that is music, containing both poetical lyrics and emotion. It is also something that can be heard and responded to in real time.

Of course, the lyrics to today's music can be considered subpar when compared to poetry. Take any pop song and compare it to Shakespeare. Doesn't measure up, does it? Well, compare it to Hickory Dickory Dock, a rhyme every child knows. That's a bit of a better comparison. Both are fairly insipid, but easy to remember. There is music like Shakespeare's sonnets, but like any talent, it is much harder to come by.

And that was my thoughts on poetry for today.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 04:17 p.m., Thursday, May 22, 2003

insane

Heh, I'm like the moodiest person I know right now. ^^ Good lord, Dawn is such a darling to me. Poor girl, having to put up with my craziness.

Thank GOODNESS I slept last night. Not very long, but rather well. woke up at 8 all wide awake, which was annoying. Perhaps I should use this time to shave my legs. ^___^ But I'm in my pretty pretty pajamas, and I don't want to get out of them because they are waaarrrmmm...

South Park is pretty funny. ^_^

Okay, I guess I should probably shower and get ready for life. FOR MY TOTALLY BUSY DAY TODAY just kidding. Sigh. Everyone else will be dome school soon, and then they can lurve me. :D Hurray!

I will wear something that shows off my pretty boobies. ^_~

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 09:53 a.m., Thursday, May 22, 2003

argh

I'm really, really lost right now. I think my brain is running away without me. I think it's running away from reality. Maybe Dave is wrong. Maybe I should stop getting my hopes up like this.

Ugh, I just want to sink into a hole and disappear. UGH.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 06:54 p.m., Wednesday, May 21, 2003

wussiness

Heh, and now just to screw up my courage.

Heh heh, I said screw. :D

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 11:39 a.m., Wednesday, May 21, 2003

Eep

I don't know if it an amazingly awesome thing that Dave knows me so well, or if it a terrible, terrible, train-wreck-like thing. All I really know is that I'm exhausted.

Despite getting only four hours of sleep two nights ago and running around a lot, when I got in to go to bed (12:30? 1? I don't recall) I couldn't fall asleep. I suppose the good part was that I got to watch the sun rise. I finally fell asleep about 5:30. *dies* And couldn't get a good sleep once I did, tossing and turning and waking up, and so I got up at like 10:30.

So now am grumpyx0r!!! ]XO!!!

Not really, actually. I'm a pretty happy person in general. ^_^

Also it seems that Cara's grad party is this weekend, so I don't think I can go seriously drinking Friday night (but casual drinking should be a-okay). ^_^ I am full of hearts for all my drinking buddies.

Okay. Okay. Yes, I need to go get dressed so I am not hated by certain tall blonds.

Look and love and linger longer,
In your eyes its growing stronger.
Cast off fear, and never wonder
When we will be torn asunder.

I am so wacky.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 11:15 a.m., Tuesday, May 20, 2003

Dekita, atashi

Oh, so exhausted. But done. Yes, done.

All papers handed in. All exams taken. Done. Finished. Owarimashita.

I managed to complete 2 exams and walk from Boyden to Hasbrouck in under an hour. I am amazing.

New shoes, swim shorts, tupperware...!

Sometimes I think there are two parts of me, sawing me in half, tearing me apart, until there is this confusion of people in my brain. They all want exactly the same thing, but each reacts differently. Of course, no one can see this. Have I ever shown my emotions to anyone? Occasionally... But what danger is inherently possessed in that! With knowledge of emotions, people can betray you. There has to be that level of trust shared between two people in order to commit to that sharing of emotions. I have nothing to fear but fear and betrayal. I think, though, that I may have much more positive things to look forward to.

Sorry about writing in code. It's for my own sake.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 01:10 a.m., Tuesday, May 20, 2003

OMG I R L0S4R

Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 02:56 a.m., Monday, May 19, 2003

BLAH

Every day, a little crazier.

I must become a hermit soon. That way I can't see other people. At all.

Argh.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 07:13 p.m., Sunday, May 18, 2003

awake

Wow. What a strange/really nice dream.

I should have more like that.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 09:29 a.m., Sunday, May 18, 2003

angst needn't always be existential

Goodness, it seems I am much more of a fool than I realize sometimes.

And if I weren't such a coward, it might be all right. Maybe not. But maybe yes. If I weren't such a coward, maybe everyone would be happier.

Argh.

It would be nice to pretend I'm just PMSing, but that would be a lie.

This really stinks. Oh the bittersweet terrible pitifulness of my life.

Har har.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 12:48 a.m., Sunday, May 18, 2003

whee!!

Mmmmm... what a good day.

First, waking up and writing paper, which was okay.

Second, driving my last Friday 31mid shift, which is good and sad simultaneously. Nice shift. It always makes me think of Anthony when I drive it cuz I go right by his street. :D

Third, finishing paper. Ehn.

Fourth, dropped off paper and went home.

Fifth, went to softball game, which we promptly lost :D

Sixth, drank.

Seventh, FAIR!!! Awesome. AWESOME. Me and LB swung around and around. Fun fun.

Eight, DDR. Most excellent. I have such good taste in company.

So much fun, so happy. :D I hope this is a forecast of the rest of the summer.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 11:47 p.m., Friday, May 16, 2003

oishiiii

I'm not so stressed anymore. I've come to terms with a few assorted things, so it's all good. I heart Jaina. I bet she doesn't know why this time, but I still do. :D

Dave is DUMB. Stupid Toronto SNAFU. Sigh. -_-

DJ Mystik rules. Happy.

I also now (thanks muchly to Anthony ^_^) have a site that has my MP3s on it. It will only be up when I am on my computer, as it is actually /on/ my computer. So here is the link: http://mpu.static.net:7664/. I will add DJ Mystik stuff there eventually probably, after it gets sorted away from other things on my hard drive. Yay.

WOW, I really don't want to do this paper. But let's aim for another A! Iku zo!

Sometimes I think my heart is going to burst out of my chest in a desperate frenzy and devour everything in a frantic attempt to love something.

Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. x.x

Caramel iced coffee is good.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 09:00 p.m., Thursday, May 15, 2003

twitch twitch

Yes. I am definitely stressed. About all of this.

This stinks.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 03:04 p.m., Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Silence Revisited

you broke the silence first with your eyes more than your words
but then, why are you so afraid of silence?
i smile, and i wonder how it was so obvious
well, i say, maybe i'm afraid of what will happen
what will happen? you ask
maybe i'm afraid of what i will think
you pause, a tropical storm in your gaze, lava and ice
why would you be afraid of what you think? what could you be afraid of?
i smile again, hard, my eyes turning away, gazing forever away
maybe because i'll think about you

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 10:29 p.m., Monday, May 12, 2003

angst

When I was a child, I was inundated by a sort of love that held me tight and sang me stories and promised things would only get better. I believed in True Love, Eternal Love, trust and hope and that certain knowledge that comes with each, confidence and happiness and joy. I believed if one had Love, then food and water and clothing and shelter were secondary. I believed so strongly that it tainted everything around me, stained everything with the truth, crimson and telling, that what most people think is love is not my kind of Love.

Love was something people took for granted or used as a convenience, something that gave them leverage or a bargaining advantage. Love was a means to an end, something that felt good at the time. Love was easy to get and easy to lose, and most of all, temporal and temporary.

And the worst thing is that I know that my feelings are such that I would definitely feel specifically like this, but my actions are terrible. When did I become such a cold, cynical person? Why am I so afraid of getting hurt? Because really, that's what it is, and that's what it has always been, a type of terror that doesn't appear in any other facet of my life but this. It's ridiculous. It makes me feel angry and helpless, because I know that I'm the only one that can do anything about it. But I'm still frightened.

I've been angsting a lot today. :p

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 09:28 p.m., Monday, May 12, 2003

silence

the silence must be filled by noise
but why? you ask, in your implacable ever-correctness
because, i reply, without a trace of dignity
because it's strange not to
but why must the words be important?
because i need the reassurance, the hearing, i need to listen too
and talk, you say
and talk, i agree
but all the time? you need to fill the silence?
like an engine, it only works when filled with fluid noise
i like to take things like that apart, you say
what do you mean? i ask, nervous
and you smile
and then you go silent

-J
time for beedddd, concert was today, was okay

I've lived this long loving furtively: 09:32 p.m., Sunday, May 11, 2003

sigh

And here's to giving up!

Cheers.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 10:02 p.m., Saturday, May 10, 2003

where you are

it was from this place you first looked at me
trapped in that way, beseeching
clinging to the hope you had put through the wash
not reading the instructions: careful, seams dissolve
the fabric you held was the togetherness
the belonging you lost, the longing for love
a lonely song, a threadbare song, but you have forgotten how to sing
it was in this place I first met your eyes
and I was afraid, and turned my gaze away
because it's not that I don't understand, you see,
it's because I do understand
and that is much, much worse

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 05:20 p.m., Saturday, May 10, 2003

BLAH i h8 frat boys

My day was bad enough that I have to call the police back for a follow-up tomorrow morning.

Sigh.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 12:31 a.m., Saturday, May 10, 2003

:D

No one is updating but me, which saddens me, as I like to read a lot too.

Speaking of reading, maybe I will do my homework instead of going to bed. Maybe.

And thank goodness my friend visited. I thought I would bloat forever.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 10:04 p.m., Thursday, May 8, 2003

Trust

So here I am upon the dais,
Still basking in my lover's praise.
It's not so high that I can't fall,
Yet here I am, not cowed at all.
The view is lovely, looking down-
I'm careful not to drop my crown.
I like it here, so far away,
Thus idolized, so here I lay.
If I came near, he'd see my stains,
Scarred and ugly, lasting pains,
So way up high is where to be,
Praying that he shall not see.
And if he did, it all would end.
There's only so much to pretend.
This is the way that it must be,
Else no more oneiric poetry.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 07:17 p.m., Wednesday, May 7, 2003

:D

Hellloooo~!!!

I am teh suk at buses. :D How come they even let me drive? Good thing I didn't embarass myself at the roadeo. It would have been mad painful and shameful. I have to organize work and concert this weekend. I wonder if another RO will take part of my shift...?

New bra!! White, twin-strapped, oh so pretty and comfy! And I have an 8 am class (gosh darn it, would that we were out) so I must off to my bed to make hay or saw wood or count sheep or catch some z's (gotta catch em all?).

Night all. :D

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 11:34 p.m., Monday, May 5, 2003

grrr

I don't think anyone hates drunk people en masse more than I do.

So the "Hobart Hoedown" (spelling?) is today, and I keep getting these ridiculous calls like:

Caller: When does the bus that goes from Southwest to Hobart leave?
Me: Uhhh... there isn't one.
C: Oh. Um. Okay. How do I get there then?
Me: *kills through phone lines*

Or:

Caller: *trying to be smooth* Hey... I need a bus from the GRC to... uhh... Puffton. Yeah, Puffton.
Me: You mean Stockbridge Road to Puffton?
C: Uhh... yeah, yeah!! That sounds good.
Me: Errr... x.x;

Or:

Caller: *totally sloshed* Uhhhhh.... I neeed... ta get ta.... Southwest!! *stupid giggle*
Me: Um... where are you coming from?
C: *stupid giggle* HOBART!!!
Me: Um, well, there's a--
C: *accidentally and drunkenly hangs up the phone*
Me: ARGH!

h8.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 06:39 p.m., Saturday, May 3, 2003

just think

And the best part is that no one will get this but me.

I just don't want it to be like freshman year again. I really don't. Once in a lifetime is enough, thank you, so maybe it's best that p's and q's go elsewhere.

But in other news, I got my first pair of khakis ever last night. Hurray.

I get to see Tati and Colin soon. Happy.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 09:04 p.m., Tuesday, April 29, 2003

sequitor?

Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the kindness people around me show, I get dizzy.

The cherry trees were blowing petals across the road in a whirlwind of pink in Amherst center. It was breathtaking. It makes me want to go plant more cherry trees.

I love spring.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 04:12 p.m., Monday, April 28, 2003

brief

OMG, exhausted.

Had much drama last night that started with a creepy phone call from Stella, then more and more, and then Dave coming home all teary and saying they broke up and then hours of comforting and talkin until 4:30. All was well and good.

Except for the getting up at 8:30 nonsense that was required in order to go Boston. That stunk, that waking up bit.

Driving to Lowell, driving to Boston, dashing around Boston, driving to Lowell, driving to Sunderland. I am exhausted.

Perhaps I will intimate more later. Now is the time for sleeping. Angst and sleeping. :D Argh.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 11:05 p.m., Sunday, April 27, 2003

after-drunken-thoughts

Ah. I believe that was my first time being drunk. Very strange. Fortunately I had a lot of fun people around me, so it was nice. :D

The world was very dizzy. I could move my head all around and make the world look weird and it was entertaining. x.x Terrible. Have I become a UMass student?

Only had five drinks too, though maybe they were strong. I drank them fast. Ahhhh everyone laughed at meee!! I'm sorryyy!! I'm not a drunk (currently)! Wahhh...

I had a lot of thoughts in my head, but I guess I left them in bed. Oh yeah, and my tummy feels queasy. The end.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 10:10 a.m., Saturday, April 26, 2003

yaaaaayyy anthony callled i am speshul

I've lived this long loving furtively: 11:33 p.m., Friday, April 25, 2003

I think I am drunk

lots of editing

sorry anthon no diner

whooooaaa

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 11:28 p.m., Friday, April 25, 2003

Thai food

Surprisingly, there is not a bruise where I smashed my knee falling out of bed the other day. Chairs that have wheels are not good to step on. Remember that.

Someone needs to go out to Thai food with me, SINCE AMY WON'T. Hmph. LB's partay is tomorrow. I shall be dressed up and pretty. :D I like dressing up. I am silly.

Brrr... Need to shower... the laziness is overwhelming...

It's supposed to be warm now, and it still isn't. ANGER.

Very few people are updating bloggies. I get bored easily. Update plz omgwtfddr kthx.

Gah. Sleep time.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 11:08 p.m., Thursday, April 24, 2003

Nonage Homage

i used to think
when my lips tingled
at night in the dark of my room
it meant you were being kissed
somewhere, far away
you, the one I would love
soul mate is a silly phrase
every moment now i think
the reason my lips tingle
is because i am thinking
of you

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 10:16 p.m., Thursday, April 24, 2003

boom

This is my entry for today.

I am sleepy. I have no finished anything. Except my book for class. It was sad. I recommend it. Bastard Out of Carolina. Sad.

Did some thesis work. Excerpt below:

But Angie was still all worried and freaked out. She kind of stopped leaving her room. But he’d always be there with her. He kept swearing to protect her. It was sappy and gross and mushy, but she ate it up. Who’s surprised, right? So I had to somehow get it through to them that this was not the way it was meant to be.

When he’d leave for the night, sometimes I would put stuff under her door, or tie strings to the doorknob so it wouldn’t open, stuff like that. Creepy stuff. It was great.

I must say that my crowning achievement was that dead skinned cat from lab. I waited until she went to the shower. She had a single, lucky fuck, so she only left the door open when she showered. I just tossed it right up there on her bed, lofted and everything, on the nice clean sheets, went back to my room, and waited for the scream. And damn, did she scream.

I believe I forgot to mention that a building on campus exploded last night. :D

That's all for now. Gatorade makes me not thirsty. Thanks, Gatorade.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 11:26 p.m., Wednesday, April 23, 2003

@_@

Boy, was it ever dumb not to eat supper, and substitute chocolate. Darn you, Easter, and your curse of fat, lipids, and cholesterol. Darn you.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 11:37 p.m., Tuesday, April 22, 2003

z.z

Darn you, I've been sleepy all day today. I blame you wholeheartedly.

I've lived this long loving furtively: 04:11 p.m., Tuesday, April 22, 2003

maelstrom

i swear to god
if you dont say it it wont hurt

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 11:13 p.m., Monday, April 21, 2003

words

it wasn't what you asked me
that warm spring summer night
it wasn't the way your voice lilted
against the cricket curtain
it wasn't the way you turned your head
silhouetted in the sweet night air
it wasn't what you asked
oneiric sentences pricking my ears

it was what you didn't ask
what you neglected
what you forgot
that made me weep

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 10:17 p.m., Sunday, April 20, 2003

(bad ?) news

So my dad is getting married June 14th. I don't think I mentioned that. It is okay with me. Josephine is nice and I am getting better at understanding her accent. It will be okay, the two of them. They work well together.

My mom told me (sort of) today that she is engaged. To Mr. Lethbridge.

I still really, really don't like him.

But I don't really have anything to do. If he makes my mom happy, well, that's good then, I guess. But he still makes me and my brothers pretty uncomfortable. A rock and a hard place.

I don't want to be disrespectful, but how can I say I'm happy? Whenever I visit, he'll be there, being annoying and condescending. I guess I'll just stay at my dad's when I visit. It'll be hard. I can't deal with people talking down to me. It makes me want to cuss him out or be rude, but I can't, because my mom would be angry. I don't want my mom to be so angry at me again, like three years ago.

Poor Josiah. What is he going to do?

I'll do my STEP program and then I'll disappear. I won't need financial support for school when I have a real job. I'll go poof and I won't have to see anyone again. That's sounds disturbingly nice. It's a shame I'm so tired of running away.

But what am I supposed to do?

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 09:46 p.m., Sunday, April 20, 2003

Open Letter to You

I thought what I knew about you would never stop being.
It's like this: you shout, you weep, you die,
You love, you hate, you bleed, you pray, you fly.
But always in the middle was me.

And you knew that, and you still do.
But what's missing now is that piece
That you keep hiding and I'm wondering why.
Where could you possibly hide it that I can't see?

I knew even then against that chain link fence.
You'd press your lips together in a dark smile
And whisper to me of mysteries of what you said was heaven.
But I never believed, you know, and I think you did.

Where is what we have lost? Where are the dreams?
I thought we'd be together until the end, like you said;
And you never believed, I know now, but I did.
Has aged ripened my knowledge like a pear? Does it rot?

Your skirt bunched around your waist and you swung around,
Sailing over the grass like sky, flying away from everything.
And that's when you disappeared: when I disappeared.
I knew that nothing good can last because there is time.

I thought I would always be young, though I knew I wouldn't.
My mind and my heart never communicated so well, you know.
Of course you do; you always knew everything before I did.
Do you know why you're still gone? I do.

Your soul clings to mine like wet tissue.
When was the last time you breathed into me?
I was never your muse, but you were the light, whispering heaven.
What I wouldn't give to bring you back.

Isn't that always the prayer to God? For loved ones to return?
But God choses his prayers carefully, and only answers some,
Only the ones he can answer, I think, though you'd disagree.
And if wishes were horses, I'd have you back.

And if you called me a child, I would laugh and laugh,
Because you are the one staying young while I grow old.
My memories of you keep you timeless, as I watch;
Each moment, more of you and I die together.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 11:57 p.m., Friday, April 18, 2003

And then I thought

There is a deep lingering sadness that has lodged itself in the back of my throat, quiet but insistently pulsing, clinging to my preconscious thought. In it, I know that I can no longer be happy all the time like I was, simply because I am glut with knowledge that I know I shouldn't have. Of this knowledge, I know for certain one thing: that he - whomever he may be - cannot love me just like that. It is startlingly painful, though not surprising, but I wonder if it will come tinged with the flavor of fine wine, or darkened with the dread of dull audacity?

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 12:35 a.m., Friday, April 18, 2003

grr

Everything is annoying me right now.

So apparently Jess gave Jon 300 dollars for his rent. Isn't it ironic that she still hasn't paid off her own debt? It worries me. Ed is going to kick Jon out at the end of the month because he owes him something like 00. Too much. Argh. Well, it seems Amy will probably be moving in there. Ed is a good kid though. Argh again.

omg so horny bf soon plz kthx

-_-;;

I should do homework, but I'm going to read Love Mode instead. I'm very bad. Oh well. See ya, kiddies.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 06:58 p.m., Thursday, April 17, 2003

zzzz....

Ahhhh, I am sleepy.

We need another Uno night. Besides this, I am feeling drained and unintersting. Too much thesis and real work, not enough sleep or ddr. Sad. Ah well. At least Jaina tethers me to the fun world. :D

Hey, Meta! Did you get your package yet?

I like my vicky see's pjs. They are soft and warm and comfy and princesslike. Yes.

Night night.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 10:34 p.m., Wednesday, April 16, 2003

STUFF

Update!! I am the anti-Anthony. Because I update. Yes.

I have spent too much money today. Curse you, Jess. You forced me to buy clothes. I am ruined! The trauma will never heal. At least I will look elegant in the mental hospital.

I have completed two or three stories for my thesis project. I will do the other two momentarily I hope.

Unless that cursed text twist game does me in. Sigh.

This was a lousy update. But The Stables has good food. I approve.

Apparently, Sam really likes "To See Your Face". I rule. XD Yes, I do.

Will now do html, then do more thesis. I'm on a role.

It's a shame Michael has been put on the back burner. It saddens me.

< -J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 07:26 p.m., Sunday, April 13, 2003

CLUTCH!

GEAR CLUTCH NEUTRAL CLUTCH GEAR!

That's what the second half of my day was. Field Trip training on a school bus (stick shift, woo!) STALLING AND DYING AND SCARY AND CLUTCHING AND DOWNSHIFTING AND DEATH!

Ugh. I was shaking when I was done. I'm so dumb at learning new things.

No, not really, I'm good (and did the serpentine the second time in second gear quite well and pretty fast) enough, but I like to be able to do things 100% RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING. Also I am teh suk at down shifting. Sad.

I think I neglected to mention the purchase of opal studs last night. Amazingly, they match my turtles. I feel PRETTY. And bracelet. HEH. Not opal.

Gaahhh...

The first half of the day was me and LB and Shelley fooling around with surveys in my bus which was mad fun. I heart my girls. :D Yay!

Okay, gotta do hw. I am a good girl. Sometimes.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 09:40 p.m., Monday, April 7, 2003

Rememory

So Jess and I were talking this morning and suddenly she said to me: "Do you remember that time we were at the comic book store in Salem and it got robbed?" For a moment, I didn't, and then it suddenly dawned on me. We had driven to Salem to look at comic books and had gotten to the store, but the door was locked. We sat down on the stairs besides the door, kind of annoyed, because we could see people (only two) in there. We wanted to go in and get out. But there were other people in the stairwell who were saying things like: "I think there's a robbery! I wonder what's going on!" But no one did anything. And then a policeman came and opened the door and pulled this guy out. He was arrested for stealing beanie babies.

How can you forget a memory like this? What a weird repression, huh?

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 02:30 p.m., Saturday, April 5, 2003

TEARS

META, I LIED, I ALSO NEED BOOK FIVE OF AS!! WAAAHHH!

dude, I wuz gunna read it 2day at werk.

I've lived this long loving furtively: 09:52 a.m., Saturday, April 5, 2003

ice = evil

Gosh darn it.

It's definitely icing outside. It's like hail, but not quite. Little ice balls. Grr. I hope no buses crash on me today, or I'll be MAD.

Today has already been eventful. Jess and I went out to breakfast before she had to go to work (I'll tell about the memory we remembered [O.o] later today). Then I went to mail out Meta's stuff (heh, it took FOREVER, and cost me an arm and a leg to boot, eh), and at 11, I have a hair appointment TO CHOP IT ALL OFF. Actually, prolly no one will notice anything different, which is okay. I should do the litterbox now and get ready for work, but I'm going to burn a CD to listen to at work instead. Yay. I hope Naomi is working today cuz SHE'S SUPAH FUN. But that means Brian is usually around... :

So New England weather is teh suk.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 09:27 a.m., Saturday, April 5, 2003

die Mary die

I hate Mary Sue so much. You have no idea. She's like a disease, a weed, A PESTILENCE. And it's SO easy to spot her too. Good LORD. Look at these summaries. I'm not even brave enough to read the fic to them.

Daughters of the Storms by skippingstones
Meryl kept her daughter Lynna hidden from Vash all of her life. Now the secret's out, and Lynna's out to do some exploring on her own. But some secrets are best kept hidden...especially with an uncle like Knives. : )

ARGH!

Bleeding Heart by EngelWachterInderHolle
The sequel to Vampire Tendencies: Legato comes back to find, what? Nicole in the arms of a blonde haired and aquamarine eye'd vampire?Or in the arms of his nemesis, Chris? How will the whole story come to an end? Find out in this sequel! ^^;

ARRRGGGHHH!!

TRIGUN: MOON CHILD by ArkNorth
Her name is Sara Montgomery - an Officer of the SEED Security Force - The child of a Plant and a Human - Her mission was to find Knives and bring him to justice, but Vash beat her to him - So why is there still an evil force?

THESE ARE THE VERY FIRST THREE FICS ON FF.NET UNDER TRIGUN. DIE, MARY SUE, DIE!!

It's not even like you have to search. AT ALL.

But I believe it is said more eloquently than I could here. For more ranting, though, it's better to go here. I swear you won't be disappointed.

NOW I HAVE TO GO DIP MY EYEBALLS IN BLEACH AND LYE KTHX BYE.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 09:27 p.m., Friday, April 4, 2003

quick and dirty update

Yay. School. It's almost like I shouldn't bother sleeping.

Which is what I am about to do. Heh.

Poor Kei-pie. Crazy people stink. I'd know. :D

Tati should call me and hang out with me more. Hmph.

I must remember to call the eye doctor for my contacts tomorrow. MUST. Otherwise blind. Or ugly. But at least less ugly than my old glasses. :p

I like Fruit 20 still. Yes, I do. And vegetables.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 10:26 p.m., Thursday, April 3, 2003

still loving furtively

I got shirts. Happy. Too many clothes though. Does that make me Ta(ti)Two? Har har har.

Jaina: dude, u r stalker-chan.

I heart Jaina. XD

I have figured out the rest of Meta's present. Now I need to go Saturday morning to the post office to send off three packages... URGH. I also need to call VS to switch cards so I get my stuffies. Darn it.

Only one open tomorrow I think. Perhaps someone will take it. I need to find me speakers...

Shower shower shower shower...

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 10:56 p.m., Tuesday, April 1, 2003

ow

Tummy hurts. Really hurts. Third night in a row.

Going to lay down/study now.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 09:16 p.m., Monday, March 31, 2003

yay

Aaaaaagggghhhhhhh I am so stupid.

I will never be able to understand these smart math and science people. Erik will have to be vague and discreet, because I am STUPID. Sigh. But enough about me. :D Here are my items up for debate:
-male birth control
-oral insulin pills that don't degrade in stomach acid
-a pill that would halt organ rejection
-telomerase inhibitor (this would stop the aging process)

Mike was very kind to give me these ideas. I like them all, really. Maybe the telomerase inhibitor (is that the correct way to say it?) because it could have interesting potential. I bet a lotta people'd wanna kill Erik for that. :D

@_@ I'm really sleepy. I should shower and go to bed. Jaina made funny icons... I should post them here if she'll let me, just because they are that great.

Okay, distracted...

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 11:32 p.m., Sunday, March 30, 2003

boredom plagued minds go nuts

"Of course I would date you," she said, leaning forward slightly. "If I weren't so fat and had such a bad personality. You know, like being rude and swearing a lot and being callous." She looked down at her hands, seeking some inalienable sense of truth. "I can be mean too. And cynical. And I don't like it when it is cold and it rains. I get angry easily, and I forget to forgive. I get terrible PMS. You know? I just don't think that you could like someone like me once you go to know me."

Nervous, he wouldn't meet her eyes. "I see..."

"So I'm really sorry." When had she gotten so lost? Had it been recently? "Really, it's not you. It's me." And really, this time it was.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 09:59 p.m., Saturday, March 29, 2003

kthx

I am in one of those moods where I don't want to seem to do anything. Bleh. Annoying. Twitchy. Too much sleep? Maybe.

NEW GLASSES. Pretty vision. I like it. Happy. Need to make my eyebrows beautiful though, and I still need an earring holder. Sigh. Maybe JCPenney would have one...

It's raining very hard outside. I really hope it doesn't snow. I can't even write right now. Too twitchy.

I got deeelicious tea rolls for lunch. Couldn't finish them though. Too full.

Eek, the phone just rang. Scared me.

I like the way new way my room is set up. Anthony omg plz fix tabelt kthx.

Dude, my glasses are so little!

Still don't want snow. Nope, not at all. Sigh.

Okay, people are here.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 06:47 p.m., Saturday, March 29, 2003

bus bus yo

It is cold. My mom is here visiting. I like the open window, but I wonder if it will be too cold tomorrow morning like it was this morning. Hmm. Maybe to shut it?

Only got 1/3 things I wanted from Vicky See's. So sad. Still, it cost me . Also kind of sad. And I still need a slip.

Marie thinks it is a good idea to smush herself under my bureau. I don't think she realizes that she will get stuck.

Schoooooooooooooooolbus.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 09:19 p.m., Friday, March 28, 2003

sleepx0r

Today I finally registered for my 499Y course. That would be my thesis course, the one I've been doing all semester. Yes. But I am now officially going to get credit for it. Which is nice and good. Yes.

Chinese food is good, even if it isn't Pasta Y Basta.

I slept through my first class today. Oops. X_x Unintentionally. I am a bad person.

So oubliette was the word of the day yesterday. Today's is "pukka". Heh.

I am sleepy. I feel like I did nothing today despite the fact that I got a lot done. Sigh. I guess I'll write. I'm skilledx0r like that.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 09:05 p.m., Thursday, March 27, 2003

Texas go BOOM

Argh. Things like this make me so angry.

Excerpted from cnn.com:
WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Supreme Court should reverse course and strike down a ban on homosexual sex as outdated, discriminatory and harmful, a lawyer for two men arrested in their bedroom argued Wednesday.

The court appeared deeply divided over a Texas law that makes it a crime for gay couples to engage in sex acts that are legal for heterosexual couples. The court was widely criticized for a ruling 17 years ago that upheld a similar sodomy ban.

A large crowd stood in line outside the court before the oral arguments in hopes of getting a scarce seat for one of the court's biggest cases this year. A knot of protesters stood apart, holding signs that read "AIDS is God's revenge," "God sent the sniper" and other messages.

Of the 13 states with sodomy laws, four -- Texas, Kansas, Oklahoma and Missouri -- prohibit "deviate sexual intercourse," or oral and anal sex, between same-sex couples. The other nine ban consensual sodomy for everyone: Alabama, Florida, Idaho, Louisiana, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Carolina, Utah and Virginia.

The case began in 1998, when a neighbor tricked police with a false report of a black man "going crazy" in John Geddes Lawrence's apartment. Police pushed their way in and found Lawrence having anal sex with another man, Tyron Garner.

Although Texas rarely enforced its anti-sodomy law, officers decided to book the two men and jail them overnight on charges of "deviate sexual intercourse with another individual of the same sex." They were each fined 0 plus court costs.

from High court hears Texas sodomy case

Betcha they play tATu on their radios too.

-J

I've lived this long loving furtively: 06:56 p.m., Wednesday, March 26, 2003

newness

I am great.

There were two new entries as of (today? yesterday?) recently, so you might wanna check the archives IF YOU CARE ABOUT MY PITIFUL LITTLE LIFE.

*sobs* I care, self!! I care!!

-J :p

I've lived this long loving furtively: 12:35 a.m., Wednesday, March 26, 2003