transit compie
Well, I'm actually at transit right now... the space bar is terribly crappy. x.x; You know, I think I like this format better because I don't know if people are reading or not. ^_^v

Trained with Jenny from linguistics semester 2 today. x.x We both couldn't place each other until the end. It was kind of funny. ^^;

I'm hungry. No one is on AIM so I think I'll just get off and go eat... that plan definitely has its merits.

Food. x.x

-K

The Miracle of Justification
Arg, guilt.

Why I did not broadcast my ficcy to the world, Keelan included (though not meant to be particularly excluded, just rather being one in the world):

First, I'm a closet neurotic writer. I write a lot (though not recently) of stuff, and about 90% never gets anywhere. I desperately need people to ask me if I've written anything, the same way I try to do to other people. I can't remember the last time someone came to me to ask for something I'd written, as opposed to me announcing that I'd done something. If they wait till I've announced it, it makes me think that they are reluctant to read any of it and are just doing it to be nice. *sigh* And I stew and stew and worry and worry and never tell anyone. So it just feeds back on itself.

But that really has nothing to do with anything.

Maybe it's because Keelan has not sent me any of her new ficlets, and has instead sent them to Hoshiko. I don't think it's jealousy; I'm not sure I'm the jealous type anymore. It's more like that was her decision and I should not interfere; which in my mind makes me feel I shouldn't bother her with my own idlings.

It's not really like I was planning to show it to anyone anyway. Kei. Only told Dawn cuz she seemed bored, as did Kaze. I might have let Imo-Girl read. I would just stick it quietly on my page and let my writing wither away into oblivion, the way we all go.

Sigh.

I'm not trying to exclude people, or start anything, or end anything... I just want everyone to be happy... and I keep trying and trying to do my best, but some people make it so hard... and then I don't know what to do... I feel like I'm drowning... there are so many weights on my shoulders and my muscles hurt... everything hurts... and I want to cry and scream and pound things... but that won't solve anything... and everyone will still be upset or stressed anyway...

I wish I had someone to hold me. Not romantic, per se. Just someone that I would let hold me with that childish trust that I so rarely give out. I've given it to Meta and Dave, on a few occasions, James as well... do you know I can't cry to anyone? I thought maybe I could cry to Meta at my grandmother's funeral, but my mother vetoed her coming down... and Dave... well, it's nice that he came, but I felt he was there more for my mother than for me...

I think I'll go now.

-K

living
So am I living vicariously through others while I work and making them tell me their fun stories so I can have a chance at amusement?

It's a thought to ponder, anyway.

-K

Ovaries
So I was checking this lady out today and getting pretty punchy, and she started telling me how of course I'd want children, and I disagreed with her, but I did say, "although I hear when your ovaries kick in at thirty or so and tell you to have kids, the call is pretty strong." She started blushing and telling me to keep my voice down, which confused me (this is after she couldn't hear me and asked me to repeat what I'd said like twice). I looked around and told her there were no kids, and she said there was a man. Eventually she left and the lady after her asked me what I'd said with an amused look on her face, so I told her, and she looked even more amused. ^_^ I didn't know there were people with shame still left!

-K

Hm
Talking to Keelan currently. She IMed me under a new SN. You know, I always like to have a bunch of SNs, but when other people do it, it drives me crazy. x.x; I have 150 buddies already... can't fit anymore. x.x;

Anyway, I must say that I adore the chocolate raspberry coffee Meta gave me. I love that girl. She just needs to get her butt in gear.

-K

First Real Entry
All right, time to be up front.

I'm very lonely again. I'm not sure why. I see people all day. I talk to Kim when I see her. Everyone at the PVTA and the store are very nice. I love chatting with Norman and Brenda... they're wonderful. I'm getting much more comfortable with handling the bus. Not exactly second nature, but it doesn't feel like 35 feet anymore. That, and LaPointe complimented me on my driving today.

But then I go home and I start to feel really crummy. My kitties are wonderful and I love them, but I can't carry on a conversation with them.

So I go online, of course, but who is ever online that wants to talk to me?

I haven't actually talked to Kaze in forever. I read her lj and she sounds happy enough so that's all right. Keelan seems to have all but vanished in my life. Dawn just got back from Florida. Meta had her compie taken away. Dave is only on sporadically. I only really ever talk to Kei. She and Dawn are the only ones who have read my new fic. Oh, no, that's not true. I talked to Kaze briefly and she said she was bored, so I pasted part of it for her. I don't know if I'll even post it to MASML. I'm only writing it for Kei.

I had a dream the other day. It's so cheesy, but the feeling was real. It was sort of a revisiting of last year, with different people (thank God). Ah yes, we all know how lovely it is to be in love with someone unnatainable, especially if they are close to you. Well, in my dream, I was in love with someone, but so was his close friend, and it was all a big mess. x.x I can't even dream without some sort of soap opera.

I don't want to be depressed again. I really don't. I'm all done with that.

Wow, is it that everyone's happy so I have to stir up trouble? Ugh.

Well, I sort of like how my template is right now. It's kind of pretty. I like Shuuichi. I identify with him, maybe. Minus the bravery.

I'm fat, ugly, and old, and I have nothing to show for myself.

Although someone in line the other day told me I look like a young Jodi Foster. Hm.

I want Dave to move up. Then I won't be as lonely.

I think I'm going to go eat ice cream and consider other layouts for my lovely journal thingie.

-K

worn
Hm, a little harder to use than livejournal... is it worth it? Maybe.

I'm tired. I'll write something tomorrow.

-K