Friday, August 3, 2001, 12:48 a.m.

summary

Whew, I bet you all thought I was dead. Close enough.

Meta, I'm glad you liked it. Of course I'm psychic. I tried to call you today but your grandma said you weren't home... which means I have about 45 minutes left on my calling card cuz there's a connection fee. >.<

Hmm...

I'm feeling a little out of the loop, but I've been doing a lot of real people stuff... so I feel rather good... Well, except for Cat, but that's okay.

Becky and Rachel came to visit yesterday. We went to see Emily Dickinson's house on Main Street (yum yum, free for me). It was okay enough, boring-ish, but that's cuz it was a tour and we didn't get to read all the little plaques ourselves. Then a brief jaunt to Yankee Candle, but they closed at 6, and we got there at 5:55. -_-; Useful.

IncendiaryWinds: why is it so hot? ;.;
James: because god is making bread from crushed souls

o_o;

Dave and I managed to make really good lasagna... I was rather surprised. ^_^;

Anyway, I've been meaning to talk about Shoujocon for a while... so here goes.

I had a good time overall, but mostly because of the people. Pippi is definitely a darling, Jaana's a riot, and the others she brought with her are also cool. We didn't do much that was really important to me (except shopping for Meta, which was really fun ^_^v And you showed me your other Fuji Shinichi dj when I was up there, dear. ^_^ That's how I knew which you needed. ^___^) except for karaoke. ^_^;;;

Erm... I sang Adieu... probably made a fool out myself, but that's okay. ^_^; I just kept thinking of Meta and how she'd be proud (oh the CHEESE) so I made it through. ^_^;;;; Pippi did AWESOME and so did Jaana. I was really a little overwhelmed. I didn't come near winning, but no surprise there. ^_^;

Anyway, it was mostly good except for the driving (which got /expensive/) because we commuted about an hour each way. Yuck. x.x; But we had fun. Unfortunately, no Gravi OVAs, but I can live.

Then Cat came... yuck. I had a wonderful time with Kei, but Cat's really demanding and bossy and wants things her way. Granted, I like things my way, but I can compromise. She can't. I felt bad for Kei as Cat dragged us around MV, but at least because I'm a bus driver I got free bus rides. That was mad ii.

Then Salem and assorted other things. We WALKED around Boston because she didn't want to pay $1 for the T... even though I treated her to a $30 meal.

UGH.

Anyway, off that subject. After she left (she missed her flight and had to be rerouted...) I goofed. (Cat just IMed me x.x; Ack)It was great. Played Puzzle Fighter, watched Dave play video games, slept, ate... yum. I can handle that. Stayed far away from the compie. Lovely.

I think that I am going to go play Puzzle Fighter now, in fact.

Meta, if you read this before Friday, give me a call sometime Friday very briefly and I'll call you back, okay?

Okay, time to goof. ^_^

-K
hot, although amused

142.9, hot and humid

Thursday, July 26, 2001, 03:57 p.m.

twitch

Suffice it to say, I'm very worn out... acting as chauffeur and walking everywhere and getting sunburned is not my idea of fun... I slept for almost eleven hours and I'm still tired...

I'm living in dread of checking my mail... but here goes...

-K
worn and annoyed

Thursday, July 19, 2001, 02:28 p.m.

ARGH

Okay, she's cleaning my house. MY HOUSE. Don't freaking touch my house. If you have a freaking problem with it, TELL ME and I can fix it. DON'T TELL ME YOU ARE DOING THE DISHES OR THE GARBAGE OR CLEANING BECAUSE "my house is too messy".

Okay, there are a LOT of expletives deleted in this post that are in my head. ARGH!! Meta, save me. >>>.<<< Or shoot me.

Should I just be happy that she's rearranging all my stuff? "Cleaning"?

ARGGGHHH!

No, because then I won't be able to find anything after she leaves!! >>>.<<< *frustrated more than just sexually*

Okay, must go now. -_- *calming down* Yes... calm... right...

Great, something glass just clunked... now she's doing my recycles... AARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!

-Kiri
angry

Wednesday, July 18, 2001, 11:10 p.m.

ugh

ANNOYED.

It's a long story and I'm honestly not sure how long I have... suffice it to say I miss Korean house guests. They don't complain about things I have no money to buy, they don't complain I have no food, and they don't annoy my cats.

UGH.

Meta, if you just want to give me sometime to d/l the stuff, I'd be grateful. Bend my will to yours, my love.

It's like... I'm SORRY I can't freaking afford towels for the kitchen. I just got enough money to buy fabric for curtains because I can't afford to buy them. Yes, I didn't vacuum the stairs because I just got back from Shoujocon, so I really didn't have time.

UGHHH!!!

Anyway, hopefully things will get better. I already ranted to poor Pippi (poor, poor Pippi), and that made me feel tons better, as did watching episode 1 of Gravi.

Tonikaku, I have to work tomorrow... kinda apathetic... ugh... driving will make me feel better...

Darnit!! Meta, why didn't you visit me?? You would have just eaten the ramyun! >.<

All right... time to finish this before Dave comes back...

-Kiri
annoyed

warm, humid, 149.9

Tuesday, July 17, 2001, 04:16 a.m.

errrr...

... I'm prolly annoying again for no good reason

Monday, July 16, 2001, 01:58 a.m.

cute convos

IncendiaryWinds: *wants to be no much for destiny* ;.;
Pippi: oh, you're no much for destiny to me ^_^
IncendiaryWinds: *_*

I think that would sum up my weekend. ^_^

Or:

Dawn: butbut... was a good time, yes? anything particularly interesting?
IncendiaryWinds: x.x doujinshi
Dawn: ...that's good...
IncendiaryWinds: no CDs
IncendiaryWinds: Jaana x.x
IncendiaryWinds: beer x.x;;;
IncendiaryWinds: lots of beer x.x;;;;;
IncendiaryWinds: lots and lots of driving x.x;
IncendiaryWinds: East Brunswick at 3 am x.x
IncendiaryWinds: lots and lots and lots of coffee x.x no sleep
IncendiaryWinds: no food x.x
Dawn: ahhhhh o.o fun
IncendiaryWinds: and Omi x.x
IncendiaryWinds: and karaoke >>.<<
Dawn: did you sing? :D
IncendiaryWinds: ..... yes
IncendiaryWinds: in the contest x.x
Dawn: how'd you do?
IncendiaryWinds: x.x didn't win x.x but duh ^___^v

Or:

IncendiaryWinds: *still wearing suspenders* x.x
Pippi: XD
Pippi: you should take 'em off o_o
IncendiaryWinds: ^_~ I should take it all off
Pippi: striptease Omi XD
Pippi: they wanted someone to do a striptease for the fashion show O_O before they realized it'd be too risque for the kiddies ^^;
IncendiaryWinds: O_O yikes

Prolly more to come tomorrow. Must make sappy comments about karaoke. -_-;;;

-K
sleepy

Friday, July 13, 2001, 01:28 a.m.

@_@

K.I.R.I.: Killing and Intensive Repair Individual
D.A.W.N.: Digital Artificial Warfare Neohuman
M.E.T.A.M.I.A.: Mechanical Electronic Technician Assembled for Mandatory Infiltration and Assassination
K.E.E.L.A.N.: Kinetic Electronic Exploration and Logical Assassination Neohuman
P.I.P.P.I.: Positronic Individual Programmed for Peacekeeping and Infiltration
I.M.O.G.I.R.L.: Intelligent Mechanical Organism Generated for Infiltration and Rational Learning
D.A.V.E.: Device Assembled for Violence and Exploration
J.A.M.E.S.: Journeying Artificial Machine Engineered for Sabotage
M.I.N.: Machine Intended for Nullification
K.I.R.I.E.N.: Kinetic Individual Responsible for Infiltration and Efficient Nullification
P.U.C.H.I.K.O.: Positronic Upgraded Construct Hardwired for Intensive Killing and Observation
S.L.E.E.P.Y.: Synthetic Lifeform Engineered for Exploration and Potential Yardwork
T.I.M.E.: Technician Intended for Mathematics and Exploration
F.O.R.: Facsimile Optimized for Repair
B.E.D.: Being Engineered for Destruction

Gomen ne, Meta, I couldn't call. ;.; I was out too late playing video games with strange men abd couldn't buy a phone card cuz the store closed. ;;.;; *clings* Sunday maybe? ;.; Sarangheh. ;.;

-K
blah

gas down to 1519 at the citgo, still cool

Thursday, July 12, 2001, 12:57 a.m.

Inuyasha!!

I want Inuyasha eps!! And Ayashi no Ceres!! Grrr!!

Anyway. x.x If anyone knows any good download sites or can tell me how to make sense of streamload (or whatever that is) email me!

Sigh... got most of the pieces for my Omi costume today... but Omi doesn't wear a shiny jacket. ;;.;;

Meta... ;.; hoshii... ;.;

I'm tired. ;.; But I'm such a slutty Omi. ;____;

Okay, going to try to figure out Best Anime now. >>: Grr.

-K
nervous and perplexed

Oh yeah, cool weather today, low 70s, 153.9 at the Citgo station.

Wednesday, July 11, 2001, 02:37 a.m.

z.z

Well, I was going to type up my weekend since Saturday, but I'm too worn out. Suffice it to say that I got more jewelry at K-Mart for mad cheap. -_- An opal necklace and blue topaz earrings, $50 for both. *___* WAI!

I slept all day Sunday. Seriously. x.x Until 3pm, then I went out, I think to Wal-Mart, then about 6 went back to sleep till 11:30. Stayed up playing Starcraft and doing lots of nothing, then left for back east at 6 am. x.x; Did errands and jiffy lubed my car, then napped for three hours, drove back, and went to work. x.x; I got home about midnight, and went straight to sleep on the couch. x.x;; I slep until 2 (2!!) when the cable guy knocked on my door. x.x I was wearing a shirt and underwear, so I flew up to my room, grabbed my robe, and answered the door. x.x He came and went, fixed my modem, and I played for a little on it. Left about 6:30/7 to go get Omi costume parts. I only got material for his hat though. -_- Got pink vinyl to make a skirt though. x.x; Anyway... Went to work (saw Norman after not seeing him for like three weeks O.o), came home, and... back OL. -_-;

So that was my weekend in a nutshell. x.x Though I wasn't going to talk about it. -_-;;;;

Oh well. ^^ Off to sew Omi's hat now.

-K
worn

Wednesday, July 11, 2001, 12:59 a.m.

O_O!!!!

OHMYWORDOHMYWORDOHMYWORD!

O_O

O_O!!!!

O_O!!!!!!!!

This is after we talked about him taking the personality disorder test…
Jeremy: what does sane mean anyway?
IncendiaryWinds: not you? :-)
Jeremy: hey
Jeremy: I'm a nice guy, isnt that enough?
IncendiaryWinds: :-) I suppose that depends on whom you ask
Jeremy: like...?
IncendiaryWinds: like which person...
Jeremy: Do you think thats enough?
IncendiaryWinds: do I think what is enough?
Jeremy: Being a nice guy
IncendiaryWinds: usually :-)
Jeremy: what about in my case?
IncendiaryWinds: no, for you it's your charming and debonaire self ^_~
Jeremy: Do you think we could go out sometime?
IncendiaryWinds: probably ^^
Jeremy: ?
Jeremy: Well only if you want to...
IncendiaryWinds: like to eat? or a movie?
Jeremy: Both?
IncendiaryWinds: I've been wanting to see that FF9 movie...
IncendiaryWinds: or that :-)
Jeremy: Yeah
Jeremy: That would be cool
IncendiaryWinds: hmm....
IncendiaryWinds: I'm gone this weekend though,....
Jeremy: So when are you available?
IncendiaryWinds: um... Thursday after about 3
Jeremy: hey, I dont have to work on thursday
Jeremy: perfect
IncendiaryWinds: :-) where would you like to go?
Jeremy: hampshire mall
IncendiaryWinds: for the movie? yeah, they're nice and cheap
Jeremy: cool
IncendiaryWinds: so FF9 or...?
Jeremy: Yeah
IncendiaryWinds: ok :-)
Jeremy: FF9 looks real good
Jeremy: We will have to be in touch about times and stuff
IncendiaryWinds: I know... I hope the plot is as good as the graphics though
Jeremy: It should be...
IncendiaryWinds: ok... hmm... I'll be OL tomorrow night I'm sure
IncendiaryWinds: do you want my number?
Jeremy: yeah
Jeremy: that would be good
IncendiaryWinds: [number deleted]
IncendiaryWinds: might be long distance for you though
Jeremy: It will be the worth the call
IncendiaryWinds: if you get my answering machine, just leave a message
Jeremy: allright
Jeremy: I'm glad I finally asked you though
Jeremy: I meant to a while ago
IncendiaryWinds: :-) you're courageous
IncendiaryWinds: really? *flattered*
Jeremy: thank you
Jeremy: I havent really had much experience in dating and stuff
IncendiaryWinds: nor I, if it makes you feel better
Jeremy: well then I am not alone
IncendiaryWinds: I do want to warn you, I'm not really interested in anything serious though.... just want to make that clear from the start...
IncendiaryWinds: is that okay with you?
Jeremy: thats fine
IncendiaryWinds: ok, good

O_O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-K
shocked

Tuesday, July 10, 2001, 04:20 p.m.

x.x

Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

I guess that's good ne? x.x;

-K
signing off before power is lost

Saturday, July 7, 2001, 04:22 a.m.

ta da!

Well, Dave is here... not much more to say, except that he was 12 hours late... -_- 4 pm does not equal 4 am... x.x

Anyway, it's late, so I need to head off to bed.

Meta- OKAY! XD But you have to move down here first. ^_^

-K
cabled though not using it x.x

btw, gas was 151.9 in Sunderland center... very chilly today... nice

Friday, July 6, 2001, 02:32 a.m.

unhealthy lifestyles

Well!

Today was kind of odd, but not in an interesting way. ^^;

I am eating a Klondike bar because I am too lazy to make real food and the floor is still wet downstairs anyway. x.x;

Dave should be up here circa 2 hours or so. ^^;

Drat, Klondike bars are messy.

My room is still a pit, too. -_- It looks like my bureau exploded clothes. x.x

But the living room looks great. ^_^v Vacuumed, cleaned, etc etc. The kitchen and dining room aren't bad... still wet, and my sewing stuff is still allll over the table. x.x

No, it's my room that even I fear to set foot in. ;.;

Darn, really need to put away those clothes. x.x

In any case, instead of doing that, I'm sitting here typing about my mundane life. XD Aren't you all lucky?

So anyway, while I was shopping around for sheets, I stopped at the fabulous establishment of K-Mart. Seeing nothing that I really liked, I was heading back toward the register when a bright red sign flashed into view. "Fine Jewelry, 70% off!"

Danger, Will Robinson, danger. -_-

But I only spent $30!! ;;.;; I was good. ;.;

In any case, I managed to find some REALLY nice opal earrings. *___* Originally $100, but marked down to $30. *__* JOY! I ADORE opals. They had an opal ring, but it didn't fit (good thing too x.x).

I was rather surprised to discover nice stuff in K-Mart. ^^; But not complaining!

So I still need to call Randy to see if he can take over my shift. -_- Grr...

Ugh, kinda sleepy. O.o;

I wonder of the floors in the bathroom are clean yet. -_-;

Opals. *-*

Now you all know what to buy me if you want to get me in bed. ^_~

Um um um... yeah. x.x; Bought seeds today and WATERMELON. *_* Did you know watermelon is one of the best sources of potassium? O.o;

CABLE MODEM TOMORROW. *_*

Okay... I have one last thing to do before I go clean some more...

-K
swirling

Thursday, July 5, 2001, 02:45 a.m.

well...

Well... it's the fourth of July... x.x Hurray?

Gas is down to 155.9. *_* Weather was somewhat chilly and started raining about midnight.

So... saw a skunk today... O.o; In my backyard. ^^; It then just hobbled back into the woods. o_o It was COOL. *_* Ame and Marie were miffed at it though. ^^; I guess they thought it was a cat. One of them hissed at it. ^^;;; Oro. It was a lot more white than I thought it would be... but cats definitely don't move like that.

Keelan, if you're reading this, I'll respond tomorrow, okay? ^^ And thank you for your card. *__* I played with it... well... suffice it to say, for a long time. -_- *is 6*

I get to clean my house tomorrow. -_- Blah!

Living room is mostly done though... just vaccuuming... then kitchen... dishes, mopping... I should probably also try to finish the curtains, ne? ^^;

The solution to all the problems on the Internet o_o

Neck hurts. ;.; Actually, my entire body has been really sore recently. It feels like I have the flu. There's the stretch on my back where if I touch, it really hurts... I don't know why. x.x;

Maybe I'll go clean some more now. x.x *crazy* I'll move my table back where it was and bother the neighbors. ^_^

So, should I get that $77 swing chair at Wal-mart that I REALLY love? ;;;.;;; DOUSHOYOU?

-K
bewildered

Wednesday, July 4, 2001, 02:22 a.m.

AMACRABBIE BITCH

I love my shirt. Nomu sarangheh, Meta. ;.;

Did I already mention I gave my two weeks notice at Stop and Shop? My last day is the twelfth... need to email Jaana. o_o

Well, I certainly slept last night... x.x But then I couldn't get up this morning, and when I finally did, I was very shaky and disoriented. x.x Also ended up being 15 minutes late for my dentist appointment. >.< But I have clean laundry...

Pippi, I'm eating my Godiva ice cream again... this is why I'll be fat when you see me. ;.;

I'm kinda... blah again, I guess. Had a nice sort of chat with Dawn... a little confusing though. x.x About her mother and my twisted sense of freedom. ^_^; Also talking to Pippi, which is always good. ^_^ And Kaze just left... *sniff*

Ame is chasing Peaches around in the other room. x.x

This sorta choppy, eh? x.x;

I got the best email from Imo-girl today... it made me ridiculously happy... x.x; It sounds silly... but I'm /so/ glad I emailed her in January. ;.; I wish she were my fun auntie or something. ^_^ Like Lisa sort of is. ^_^v

Hm, I have no relatives so I make them left and right? x.x;

Marie threw up again this morning. >.< Siiiiighhh... Messy. I did what the vet said and put her on special food... Purina ONE? I think this is the first time she's thrown up since I switched food... which is much better than every day. x.x;

Anyway... if anyone is interested at all in the original story I started, feel free to ask me for it... (I'm a freak... I won't ask you ^_^;) It's bad though. *_*

Sir on lap. x.x Convulsively happy kitty. -_-;;

-K

Tuesday, July 3, 2001, 03:31 a.m.

Hn... yokunakatta na...

Ano saigo no enturarii ga... chotto uso ja nee ka...

Well. I'm kind of... blah. I'm officially a bus driver today (wai!) but... ugh.

I still haven't been sleeping... I'm going to take Nyquil tonight...

Actually, I'm going to go do that right now.

Swallowing them without a drink. x.x; Should kick in in about half an hour.

I got my comments from Imo-girl back today on my fic. ;___; *snuggles her muchly* She's way too nice. x.x; And like... smart... and a real vet... and SUCH a good writer. Her death fic is still my favorite fic, any series. Dude, she's who I want to be when I grow up (if).

Anyway...

Dawn wrote and finished her fic. It's not her best, but it's definitely something. I'm not complaining (good grief, who am I to complain?).

Hn. I'm eating my Godiva chocolate ice cream. Very tasty. *pets belly* But Kiri fat. Bad. Have to be pitty for Pippi. ;.; Well... I don't want her to spit on me do I? x.x

I am moderately ignoring life. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. I have ugly teeth.

Sigh. I ought to go to bed. I want to give Keelan a very honest answer so I don't think I can say anything right away. She deserves that. I really do love and miss her, which is why I'm trying to be so anal.

It's as Dave says... "I can't have a real friendship with anyone till we've run the gauntlet."

Argh... Meta's right. x.x; I guess I do come off as very self-sufficient and strong. x.x; Well... I can't help that. I'm the only stable one in my family right now... I can't just change masks so quickly. Argh. Why can't people just deal with life? ;.; K'so!

Hmm... I think the drugs are kicking in...

Sabin needs a first name... pretty doctor boy... mmm...

Ugh... I'm freezing now... it was chilly all day (about 70, which is hilarious that I think it's cold... speaking of which, gas is still 157.9) and I did very little. Slept a lot once I fonally fell asleep (messily too).

Michael Sabin? Dunno.

I'm making way too many typos in this thing (and going back and trying to fix most of them) so I think I need to go.

Meta, love (sweetling?), I have people who want to know about DNAngel... Mmm... Dark molesting Daisuke... I want that poster you (Stella?) got too... mm...

Ugh... losing coherence... Nyquil is that good? Shaking... @_@

Although it will be nice not to take 6 hours to fall asleep...

-K

Monday, July 2, 2001, 01:49 a.m.

GRRR, compie!!

I'm having compie issues... it's not working right. It keeps randomly giving me the blue screen of death.. grr!! I've barely had enough time to do anything, let alone respond to/check mail, do any site work, read ficcies, etc. GRRRR!

Okay, I'm really tired. The reason my first entry and this one are so far apart is because I've mostly been offline for these times. Argh. Compie has PMS.

Sigh. I guess I'll deal with life tomorrow and actually do more than check blogs. x.x; *lazy*

Must... sleep...

-K

Sunday, July 1, 2001, 11:42 p.m.

ugh...

I'm so tired... I hardly got 4 hours of sleep last night... and I still have to do the Belchertown Center via BTown Road again tomorrow... darnit... I wish she'd have just signed me off... I knew the route well enough... whatever...

Ugh... I'll make another entry later... I feel like crap... maybe next time I should just walk in front of a bus... mmm... road kiiru... nyuk nyuk nyuk...

-K

Sunday, July 1, 2001, 03:59 a.m.

Yatto, owarimashita ne

I finally just finished that songfic I've been working for Kei for the past eon and a half...

Whew.

-K

Sunday, July 1, 2001, 02:43 a.m.

Kei-pie

I remember a time in high school of one particular thing he said to me and my familiar failure to him in not being able to speak my heart.

He glanced at me, watching me tie my tie, his bright eyes gleaming with some deep emotion someone like me could never feel. "You're my smile."

I paused a moment, looking at him, silent.

"You're my smile when I look in the mirror and feel like it's actually beautiful." His eyes were so deep, so sincere, so trusting, and loving.

Wordlessly, I smiled faintly and shook my head. "It's almost time for classes."

I saw the look of mute resentment on my deference to his comment. It lined his face like worry or sadness, a creek between stepping stones.

But I still said nothing. What could I do to deserve such sweet words? I was not a poet, like him. I was cold, hard, calculating, a fortified stone of flesh and reality.

I should not have been anyone's smile.

Thank you, Kei-pie.

-K

Sunday, July 1, 2001, 02:25 a.m.

Breath of fresh air

Oh my word, my day just got a billion times better.

Thank you, Min, you made my night livable.

*hugs Min tightly* ;.;

-K

Sunday, July 1, 2001, 01:58 a.m.

Fumbling

All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore.
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh.
it's my mouth that pushes out this breath


I really like this song. And I guess I rather buy into the lyrics. After all, isn't that what I keep saying? "I'm so honest, I'm so honest" but is the absence of speaking the truth still a lie?


and if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it.
I won't fear love.


So I guess it's only fair that I rant, at the very least in here, and clear my head. Funny how that works. If you just speak it somewhere or to someone, so that some other individual out there knows, it goes away. Two heads are better than one or something? I don't know.

So my throat is getting tight even thinking about this. What a baby.

I have to say I really miss Keelan. It was really nice thinking that I could have someone to talk to who would understand my thought process, my thoughts, who could understand what my pain and emptiness was. I think, though, that perhaps I was fooling myself in many ways. Why on earth would she bother with someone like me? After all, she pretty much has her own personal fanclub. That's all right. Granted, I'm very jealous. I wish people would beg to see my writings and actually care about the characters I bleed over. But no one does. I can deal; I have for two decades.

I guess I try to be so supportive to others in their own efforts, whether it be drawing or writing or whatever else, that I feel more than a little miffed when no one encourages me. Again- no one really has for the past twenty years, so why should I shouldn't I be used to it? Meta asks me though… I love that girl dearly. If I say something aloud (or rather in IM) to Dawn or Kei, they might ask to read (not always). I guess I can understand. I'm not a very good writer. But it's my heart and my soul, which sounds trite and silly (I told you I'm not a good writer), but it's true.

No, I don't feel that Hoshiko or Gohan stole Keelan away from me… it's more like I feel that she chose them over me. I'm extremely self-conscious - more than I'd like to be, certainly - and especially when I feel like I'm making a nuisance of myself. Maybe that's another reason I didn't really want to go to Expo. I'm always a burden on Cat's family and to be one on Keelan, whom I apparently hardly know, would be even worse.

It does feel like she left though. In a way I totally understand what Kei meant by feeling like a whore. I gave Keelan so much of my own writings… so much of my soul, I guess… and I feel like it wasn't enough, that she didn't either need it or want it. Maybe I'm being melodramatic. Maybe it's just seasonal depression. I don't know. But it felt like a brief fling, a romance in which I fell in love, but was tossed aside the next day for a better lay. Ugh, I'm trite. Pretty much stealing Kei's words. But none of my own are good enough.


Companion to our demons
they will dance and we will play.
With chairs candles and clothes
making darkness in the day.
It will be easy to look in or out
upstream or down
without a thought


I haven't even been able to get up for work recently. I like driving buses. It's relaxing. And yet for the past few days, I just won't get up. I'll sleep at 12 hours a day and still be tired. Constantly. It's not just barometric pressure either. I'll go to bed at two or three and get up at three or in time to go to the store to work. Working just six hours wears me out so that I just want to go back and sleep. I'm even eating right (or better).

And I try and try to write, and nothing but drivel comes out. I stare at my computer and sit and sit and sit and the screen stays the empty white blank dying color. And when the words come they make no sense… no one liked my new story… the two I let read it… should I junk it? I'm not attached to the characters yet, so maybe it would be better. I'll never finish anything anyway. Even Fallen might be dead.

I wonder why I bother. I'm so keen on the euphoria of writing that I forget that I'm trying to communicate and then it ends up being terrible.


and if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it.
I won't fear love.


I hate crying. I cry all the time recently. UGH. Especially thinking stuff like this. I was thinking about Grandma today… I miss her so much… We were so close in a strange way… I don't think I'll ever be able to explain it. I really miss her.

I sit here crying and talking so cheerily to Dawn on IM… honesty my rear…

I wish someone were here. I don't think I'd be as sad if I weren't alone all the time… the only person I've actually talked seriously to recently was Meta… I miss her… I think Dawn's mother hates me so I never see her… Kei is so far… Dave doesn't bother… James never even really knew me…

I guess it all hurts so much inside is because I don't fear love… I'm very apt to "fall in love" with someone in an instant… and then get shattered as easily. It's not like I'm delicate and I go crying to everyone when something like this thing with Keelan happens, but it does build up inside over time... and I don't like to pop…

I wish people would just talk to me…


Peace in the struggle to find peace.
Comfort on the way to comfort


There is no peace in this world. There's never perfection, there's never satisfaction. Something could always better. There is no comfort.


and if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love.


So what does this all boil down to?

That I'm helpless and desperate and wanton and empty? Probably.

Such a funny name I chose for my pita. Soul. Hm.

I don't know if anyone will read this except Meta. Maybe Min (she has me linked… I'm strangely flattered). Honestly, I don't care. If Keelan reads it, maybe it's better. Kei doesn't read ljs. Kaze… I miss Kaze. I miss the serious deep chats we used to have. I don't know what happened, but it was probably me. I break things easily.

I really really wish Meta were here.


I won't fear love.
I won't fear love...


-K

Friday, June 29, 2001, 10:39 p.m.

I think the only person with whom I don't feel alone but just happy is Meta. Funny, isn't it? And isn't it even funnier that she's so far away?

Ah, life.

-K

Friday, June 29, 2001, 10:17 p.m.

alone, alone, remarkably alone

It's funny how you can be talking to so many people at once, yet you're still alone. You know they talk to you, but you know you also don't matter very much to them, and if it weren't you, it would surely be someone else. Maybe it would be even better were it someone else.

Gas was cheap today at 157.9. 155.9 at Whately. The weather was warm and nice.

I really wish Meta lived down here. She makes me so happy.

Well, I started my new story, for it's worth. It's drivel. Whatever. Honestly, I don't even know why I'm an English major. Maybe I should switch to pre-vet because at least that way I might have a job eventually.

Okay, I'd better go be social... I'm ignoring people while I write this...

-K

Friday, June 29, 2001, 02:55 a.m.

a new start

Sigh... so Dawn's not coming this weekend so I took Randy's hours on Sunday...

(Dawn): ne... *latches* not now... but at some point in time... think I could ask you your opinion on some poetry stuff? I have to choose a couple things to read... not for a month now... x.x but still... *clings* ;-; think I can bother your brain at some point?
IncendiaryWinds: *bites you* what else am I here for? x.x

I wanted to continue and say "obviously not for visiting..." NOT BITTER. Not bitter at all.

Min, I'm glad you didn't delete that entry.

Ugh, have to get up early tomorrow... sigh... ;.;

Meta. ;.; I miss you. ;.;

gas: 158.9 (hm, down, good)
weather: humid, warmish... it's a lot cooler here in the valley than back east

MUST finish Kei's songfic this week, tomorrow or Saturday (today or Saturday?). Started new story. Need name. Christopher? Maybe. It was Daniel, but we don't think that working out.

Okay. Time for bed. Need to talk to Kei-pie too. Must add Min to addies on the side. *pets Min*

Meta, hoshii. ;.;

Okay, sleepies time. Must think of name.

-K

Wednesday, June 27, 2001, 02:02 a.m.

:p

I think I would definitely classify myself as somewhat depressed. x.x (Maybe runs in my family? :p) Stable, but somewhat depressed too.

Working makes me happy. Talking to friends makes me happy. Kitties make me happy.

Most of my depressive thoughts I don't voice to anyone. Pretty much ever, I don't think. Maybe that's because they usually come when I'm alone and not distracted by the noise of others. I don't know.

Hm. Omoshiroi desu ne.

-K

Wednesday, June 27, 2001, 01:21 a.m.

*_*

WAAII *_* talking to Meta *_* Happy *_* Meta always good *-*

So anyway, my very Bad Day at work.

Which, at this point, is two days ago. x.x;; but anyway!!

So I was just standing there ringing people, and I noticed my stomach felt weird. Fine, you know, I've had werird tummy things before, so I ask to go to the bathroom.

Much to my dismay... *_* It's a girl thing!! *_*

Ugh. -_-

Usually I'm very regular... I'd been expecting it, oh, in three or four days... -_- Suffice it to say that I had nothing on me and had to ask the customer service desk for stuff (they gave me ibuprofen, which is good cuz I get /awful/ cramps without it) and then had to go ask my supervisor for a pad.

But all they had was tampons. ;______;

Ugh!! I felt so... yucky. x.x I've used a tampon once and didn't like it at all. ;.; But... when you're suffering... ;.;

So yeah, it was exciting. x.x;

I'm going to post this before Netscape crashes and loses this now. -_-;

-K

Monday, June 25, 2001, 01:40 p.m.

Sweet layout ^___^

Oooh!!! Thanks to Pippi for the prettiness. *__* HIRO-KUN! *molestsnuggle*

Anyway, I really like this layout. *_* It's... pitty, if you will. ^___^

Anyway...

Gas: 159.9 as of yesterday and the two days prior to that
Weather: was rainy, today it appears to be nice so far

The little flap of gum over my not so high wisdom tooth hurts. ;.; Wah. ;.;

Curtains. *_*

Well, the blue part in the living room didn't come out as well as I'd hoped... but we can fiddle with that, and if not, go back to Joann's, buy some more, and double it. ^_^ Shall do the white next. It looks like I'm going to have a LOT of white left over (5 yards total? x.x) so I think I'll double up the curtains downstairs and see how that looks. ^_^

I've had lots to ramble about, but I've forgotten most of it, so it must not be too important. x.x;

My Fizzy-poo is out of the hospital. ;.; *clings to her and pets* Yes, mine. ;.; *holds up Kaze copyrights* *_* Nyheh heh heh...

All right... must find white thread... and dose that boy kitty... x.x Was up till 5 sewing. @_@

Must tell about Bad Experience at work yesterday. -_- Later.

-K