I have no idea why I'm blogging. Um, it's the start of fall break, so I can sleep in for the next four days. Yay.
Uh, that's all. Wow, I need a more exciting life.
~~The moon last set at 10:52 p.m.~~
~~Wednesday, October 23, 2002~~
I didn't flunk my finals! Please excuse me while I do a victory dance.
*victory dance*
I got a B- on my History midterm, but eh, there are worse things. Like a C. Especially since all my scholarships are academic, and if I don't keep my grade point up... well, I'm dead. Damn expensive college.
Two more classes before fall break, and I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to it. Nothing to do but write that history paper. And go to my sister's bridal shower, and my family's celebration of my sister and sister-in-law's birthdays. And my psychiatrist appointment. Cross your fingers for me, hopefully she'll switch my meds to something that works.
People say I'm getting too dependant on my meds, but the thing is, I'm already getting counseling, it's not exactly like I have many alternatives. And I really don't like panic attacks. I don't like the fact that I'm getting used to panic attacks. Damnit, I'm going to get my life together somehow.
Nap time for me... I've got a couple hours before my 1:10 class, and you can never get too much sleep.^_^ I think that'll be the thing that tops my list of "Things I Learned In College": Sleep when you can, because sooner or later you're gonna have to stay up all night studying and it's good to get the sleep in advance.
*Yawn* I'm strange. Night, err...Day. Or something.
~~The moon last set at 10:52 a.m.~~
~~Wednesday, October 23, 2002~~
People were complaining that I don't blog enough, so I've decided to blog to excess. That way, no one can say anything. Not that I don't like blogging. On the contrary, I like this thing. Besides, venting is healthy. Venting for the whole world to see, maybe not so much, but I figure people aren't exactly gonna be flocking to read this, so I should be relatively safe. Who's gonna care, anyways?
I am so odd.
Anyways, my shoulder is killing me. I don't think it should be, so maybe I should go get it checked. Or maybe if I worked on my posture...*sits up straight* Nope, that doesn't help. Bah.
I have never seen the point of halloween lights. Lights are a Christmas thing. Halloween should be lit by candles and spooky pumpkins. Damn commercialism. Damn capitalism. Damn other-things-that-start-with-c.
I think I need a vacation. ^^;;
~~The moon last set at 11:11 p.m.~~
~~Tuesday, October 22, 2002~~
Okay, everyone, DO NOT READ MY PREVIOUS THREE ENTRIES! They're depressing and not really worth reading. But if you already have, okay, I'm feeling better now. No longer suicidal ^^;; I think, however, that I need to see my psychiatrist really soon. Now if only I could find her number...
Well, at the moment I'm trying to write a philosophy paper on the nature of faith vs. reason... trying being the operative word. And I also need to do some research tonight... bah. I wish I was modivated. Or at least, willing to actually leave my room for the first time today.
Yup, time to see that psychiatrist.
~~The moon last set at 04:07 p.m.~~
~~Tuesday, October 22, 2002~~
Oh god, I just want to die.
Why can't I just die already?! I'm so sick of living my life like this, up and down again and again and again. I'm sick of trying to convince myself that I'm worth something, when really, I'm not. It isn't fucking worth it, trying every day and messing everything up. It isn't worth it.
I can't put someone else through this, so I can't let myself be loved. I have to just keep pushing, and hoping that, someday, either this damn thing will go away, or I'll be put out of my misery. I keep getting people messed up in this damn thing. It's totally unfair of me to try and be around people at all. I only hurt people. That's all I'm good for, is making other people miserable. Damnit, I hate this. I hate me. Why do I have to keep going, when I'm always going to be alone?
I wish my life would just stop and let me off, I'm tired of this ride.
~~The moon last set at 09:34 p.m.~~
~~Monday, October 21, 2002~~
I'm getting so tired of everyone always saying it isn't my fault. Damnit, sometimes it is my fault... god, even I know that. I try my best, but I usually end up hurting someone. I'll admit to that. I'll admit that I've made some huge mistakes in my life, mistakes that led me to lose most of the friends I had. But I know it was my fault. I'm not going to try and gloss it over to make myself feel better. Shit, I spend hours some days hating myself for things I've done... I try to fix it, but it doesn't always work, and sometimes no matter what I do, I can't make things better. That happens. I know that. But damnit, that doesn't make me any less at fault.
It'd be nice if some people would admit to the same, but I'm probably seeing the situation wrong. It's none of my buisness, except... I hate seeing people hurt. And I hate it when I can't end that hurt, and the people who could, wont. I get so frustrated... but it's none of my buisness, and I've already messed up once. I feel like a moron. It's a common feeling for me. I always mess everything up. I start out with the best of intentions and I end up saying stuff I'm going to regret...
Maybe I just wasn't meant to have friends. Maybe I just wasn't meant to be happy. If so, I wish someone would put me out of my misery.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
~~The moon last set at 08:40 p.m.~~
~~Monday, October 21, 2002~~
*coughs* Well, I'm feeling better today. My first couple classes were almost interesting enough to not sleep through, and I have another couple hours before I have to go be bored out of my skull in drama... however, I definately recommend the play Streamers. It's very.... uh, cool.
A curious thing has happened. Half the lights in my room have gone off. The rest are fine. So we have no overhead and the fridge has no power, but my computer is fine. Eh, go figure *shrugs*
We were having a discussion in philosophy today regarding unfair laws... Plato says you have to follow them, because you entered in a contract with society and you're obliged to hold up your end of the bargain. But I don't see how spending 20 years in prison on sodomy charges is doing anyone any good. Yes, 20 years is the Minnesota law. Good thing no one actually follows it. ^^;; Still, they really ought to get that one off the books before we get some nutcase in office who decides to start upholding it.
Had sudden urge to sing that song, "It's not easy, being green..." Maybe I should wonder about that... anyways, nap time for me!
~~The moon last set at 10:59 a.m.~~
~~Monday, October 21, 2002~~
Do you ever say something you regret, but know you wouldn't take it back even if you could, because you don't think you could've said it in another way? I get really bitchy when my friends get hurt; perhaps too bitchy, but I keep remembering all the times that no one stood up for me and I can't let things be. I've often thought that if somehome had just given a damn, I might not have turned out this messed up. Perhaps the thought is not justified.
I'm just a stupid little girl, with a shallow, stupid life and impossible dreams. What do I know about love?
~~The moon last set at 10:27 p.m.~~
~~Sunday, October 20, 2002~~
*groans*
I have, in the past 24 hours, reread about eighty pages of nearly incomprehensible philosophy and done forty pages of a Spanish workbook. In the last four hours I have drunk nearly 60 liters of coke. Tomorrow, if I last the day... I think I'm gonna crash. Literally. I might fall over on the floor, dead. I'm tired, I'm on a caffine crash, my back hurts, my eyes hurt, and my brain hurts.
Yet here I am, blogging, regardless of the fact that I'm going to get three and a half hours of sleep before my first class.
Either I'm an idiot, or...well, an idiot. There are no two ways about it, I am the stupidest person alive.
Wish me luck, I've got two midterms tomorrow...
*CRASH!*
~~The moon last set at 03:59 a.m.~~
~~Friday, October 18, 2002~~
Okay, yeah, I was going to bed. Then I decided to check Kouri-chan's blog... No, Kouri, that was not me. I wish it was, but it wasn't *sigh* But anyways, I went to the site, and... well...
 |
I Am The 3rd Party: The Natural Law Party: You're a strange one, thats for sure. Calling yourself the party based on science, your most interesting claim to fame is a heavy reliance on yoga in your national policy. Ignoring your kooky side, you sometimes make a lot of sense. And your leader is probably the smartest cadidate out there. Too bad he's crazy. |
| Find out what 3rd party you are! |
|
~~The moon last set at 12:58 a.m.~~
~~Thursday, October 17, 2002~~
Well, Jess told me that I need to blog more often, and since I've done about as much philosophy reading as I can for tonight, I figured I might as well listen to her for a change. Of course, I've still got an entire play to read...
My homework for the next week:
Read the play Streamers and write a paragraph
Study for massive philosophy midterm on Friday
Study for massive Spanish test on Friday
Do two sections of the Spanish workbook, about 40 pages, due Friday
Write a 3-4 page paper for philosophy, Due Wed.
Read two books relating to the Black Death
Write about eight pages on the Black Death
Make a visual aid pertaining to the Black Death
I like my classes, I really do, but this is getting a bit ridiculous! And of course, this would be the weekend that I have a ton going on, including my sister's bridal shower that I can't miss because I missed the last one and I promised I'd go to this one, and I'm a bridesmaid so I really can't skip out.
If I survive the week, I have a few days off. Praise the gods.
Okay, done ranting now, I've got a play to read.
~~The moon last set at 12:42 a.m.~~
~~Thursday, October 17, 2002~~
*laughs* Jess told me to do this one.
| Will Ria Survive A Pit Match Against Clinton And Bush? |
| 24% chance Bush would kill you. |
| 0% chance Clinton would kill you. | | 33% chance he would sexually harass you. | | 76% chance you would kill them. |
|
| Enter Combat |
I rock!!
~~The moon last set at 11:16 p.m.~~
~~Sunday, October 13, 2002~~
~~The moon last set at ~~
~~~~
I have just had the shittiest day of my life. However, now that the meds have kicked in and I am soothed by my milk and applesause, I may be able to speak rationally.
I've got my first-ever midterm tomorrow and I'm terrified. We have passed through vague forebodings of impending doom to the stage of the shaking and trembling and wide-eyed terror. Luckily, I've got Krystal and Kouri to calm me down and distract me. But if I do badly on this test, I think I'll lock myself in my closet for the rest of the year.
I'll admit, I'm a little overdramatic, but it sounds good.
I haven't eaten a decent meal in four days now, and I don't think I'll be eating much tomorrow either. Maybe after midterms and that damn history paper I can pull my life back together, but until then I think I'm gonna have to take some drastic measures.
Oh yeah, happy thoughts. ^^;; Um... Ice Cream!
Pathetic, isn't it.
~~The moon last set at 10:12 p.m.~~
~~Sunday, October 13, 2002~~
*laughs hysterically* I just took one of those quizzes...
Are you a Seme or Uke?
*keels over from the sheer hilarity of it all*
~~The moon last set at 03:44 p.m.~~
~~Friday, October 11, 2002~~
*looks around* I really need to clean my room.
There have been times I've said that and it hasn't been true, but I think the fact that I trip over something everytime I try to get to or from my bed is a good indication that something needs to be done.
Then again, perhaps the six pop bottles on my desk speak for themselves.
Well, despite the fact that midterms are next week, I'm overworked, behind in half my classes, and I'm gaining a frosh rounded tummy, I'm feeling pretty good with the world. Perhaps it's the fact that I made a point during philosophy that no one could counter. Perhaps it's the fact that two of my friday classes are canceled, including my 8:30 class.
Perhaps it's merely the fact that the sun came out.
~~The moon last set at 04:21 p.m.~~
~~Wednesday, October 9, 2002~~
My life is surprisingly mundane. I mean, things are happening, but it's nothing particularly exciting or blog-worthy. I went to bed. I woke up. I went to class. I slept through class. *shrug* The usual.
Life is entirely bizzare. And I kinda like it. Then again, it could just be the pills talking ^^;;
Wah. Homework. I think I'm gonna cry.
~~The moon last set at 11:53 p.m.~~
~~Monday, September 30, 2002~~
Woozy. Extreamly woozy. Have I mentioned that I really hate Minnesota sometimes? Usually it's great, but two days of freezing rain resulting in me having a cold is not my idea of ideal weather.
Ria+Cold=Cranky
Pay me no mind. Anyways, I actually passed my philosophy paper with a decent grade, which is good considering I kinda pulled the whole thing out of thin air. The good thing about philosophy is that you're rarely wrong. Of course, considering the fact that, using an argument of an early philosopher, my class managed to prove that god is a pizza today, it does happen occasionally. ^^;
In other news (and what important news it is!) I've got enough homework this weekend to occupy me for the entirety of the next two days. Damn damn damn damn damn! Spanish test, History paper... Damn it and damn it again.
I am now done swearing about my homework. And since I have nothing else to talk about (except my damn roommate, which is a completely different story) I think I'll go cry over my cold some more.
~~The moon last set at 07:19 p.m.~~
~~Friday, September 27, 2002~~
It's alive! My computer now works and is hooked up to the internet! *laughs and jumps for joy* Now I can spend hours on this thing without feeling guilty for impinging on my roommate's half of the room... and she won't be able to read over my shoulder... *cough*
Oh, by the way, I learned something this weekend that you should all know: Never overdose on prescription tranquilizers. It really sucks.
So anyways, I'm going to work. Bah.
~~The moon last set at 06:43 p.m.~~
~~Monday, September 23, 2002~~
I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to die, I like my life at least eighty percent of the time... and last night I probably would have overdosed on my antidepressents, if there had been more than four and a half in the bottle.
I wish this would just go away, so I could lead a normal life... well, as normal a life as any ex-catholic lesbian can have... instead, I push people away, even when I don't want to. I don't want people to leave! I wan't someone to stay with me...
You remember that line from The Wedding Singer... "all I really want is for someone to hold me, and tell me everything is gonna be all right"... or something like that. I'm pathetic, but I want that. God, if someone would just stay with me, I'd give everything. But no one stays, in the end.
It's my fault, I will honestly admit that. I don't mean to push people away, but the words come out before I think about them, and suddenly I've said something unforgivable.
I need someone to love who will love me back. But who, knowing the circumstances of my life, would want to love me?
I'm sorry. I don't think I'm making sense. I quadruple-dosed last night, and the effects still have worn off... at least I got a good night's sleep. Ha. That's funny.
~~The moon last set at 05:28 p.m.~~
~~Sunday, September 22, 2002~~
*sigh*
*sigh*
I don't know why I bother trying to blog when I'm in a depressed mood. I can't really rant too much, cause anyone who I know well enough to actually care enough to rant about has access to this. That was a really strange sentance, but oh well... Hm. Maybe I'll just go metaphorically hit my head against the wall a few times.
*Bam*
*bam*
*sigh*
This is going to be a long evening.
~~The moon last set at 08:42 p.m.~~
~~Saturday, September 21, 2002~~
I think, therefore I'm going to build a time machine and go back in time in order to slaughter John Locke. I don't care that his ideas eventually became integrated into modern democracy, he should be shot for writing his philosophies in a completely incomprehensible manner. I read a single paragraph five times before giving up and deciding I'd read it tomorrow. Of course, I was holding four conversations at the same time, but that's not the point.
Other than that, my new classes are great. I just dropped both my science courses in order to take an english and a philosophy class, which are more interesting and much easier. Easy is definately relative, however, since I have a philosophy paper and two drama papers due next week.
I will live, unless my friends manage to kill me by embarassing me to death.
~~The moon last set at 11:38 p.m.~~
~~Friday, September 20, 2002~~
Bah. Well, today we are going to try something new. Paragraphs! So if you see a lot of little html codes, you'll know I did something wrong.
So after coming home wanting to slit my wrists yesterday I decided to drop my science classes. I felt relieved until everyone started trying to get me to change my mind. Now I'm feeling completely insecure... gee, thanks. Luckily I have the coolest RA in the world, and she's helping me with all the administrative crap, and she thinks I'm doing the right thing, so I guess I'll go through with it. Yes. No more Chemistry. Whoo-hoo!
Well. Anyways. I think I'll go read... Kouri, you really have to write more of Genesis X. I mean, I'm actually having to resort to reading a book! The horror!
Okay, no one likes me so I'll go eat some worms. Without peanut butter. Bah.
~~The moon last set at 04:00 p.m.~~
~~Tuesday, September 17, 2002~~
Wow, look, I have a blog. A real blog. It's even got a cool design. Oh, speaking of... *huggles Kouri* Thank you!
Ha. So, anyway, I really shouldn't try to write anything at 11:30 at night, but I think I'd be crucified otherwise... *shrugs* Or something. Truthfully, my brain's been fried by the sheer amount of homework my evil professors loaded me with for the weekend. *pouts* I think they're conspiring to kill me in my first semester, or at least flunk me. Bah. I'll show them.
Of course, I won't be able to show them anything if I don't get some sleep tonight. My bed is sending me subliminal messages. Something along the lines of 'get your ass over here.'
*Yawn* Night.
~~The moon last set at 11:25 p.m.~~
~~Sunday, September 15, 2002~~
Testing, testing, one two three ^^
~~The moon last set at 12:20 a.m.~~
~~Monday, September 16, 2002~~
