I liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!
I have got to be the world's laziest blogger. Well, and lately I've been reading an awful lot of GW fanfiction... *bows head in shame* It's the only place I can find unlimited lemons!
But Jess told me she'd kill me if I kept wasting my time with it, so maybe I'll have to resort to other measures.
*sighs* I'm so sexually frustrated it isn't funny.
Well, anyways, I'm down at Jess' for the holiday...my parents almost didn't let me come (they found out about my last instance of cutting and almost killed me) but in the end, here I am! So far we've hung out with her family and friends, gone to the art institute, visited a Japanese shopping plaza, and been rear-ended. The truck isn't damaged too badly, but it needs new bumpers. Both front and rear. Damn idiots.
Well, when we got into the accident we were on our way to get me a tattoo... Jess thinks it's a sign. But I will not be thwarted! We'll probably go tomorrow. I still don't know what design I want, but eh. I'll decide then.
I've been smothered by cats. But cats are warm and they purr, so I don't mind much.
Well, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, may it be better than the last.
My resolution? I'm going to learn control. ^^ Wish me luck!
||last purred at 11:11 p.m.||
||Thursday, January 2, 2003||
Maaaaaaybe I should go back and delete all my depressing entries.
^^;;;;;;;;;
Okay, FYI... I'm not really crazy. I have several disorders and lately my meds have been screwed up and I've been under a lot of stress. So that's what's up with all the self-depricating remarks and suicidal blogs. I will not kill myself. I promise.
So anyways, I'm seeing my doctors soon, and all will be well.
Jess, Em, thank you so much. I know it's rough, being around me... having you two there for me means so much. I don't know if I'll ever be able to pay you back, but... if you ever need anything, just ask. I'll stick by you. Sorta like super glue ^^;;;
Um... Macadamia nuts taste good. I need to drink more water. And...and... bah.
||last purred at 10:45 p.m.||
||Thursday, December 19, 2002||
I don't know what to say.
I have a couple of friends telling me I should sign myself into a hospital, but... now is not the time. Right before Christmas and everything. I'll admit I'm getting pretty bad... I won't kill myself. But I'm becoming addicted to my lorazepam and my Effexor seems to wear off by evening and...
I'm going to lose her. I just know it. It seems inevitable and I hate it! The first person in years who I can really cling to... and it will be my fault.
Honestly, I don't want to make any decisions. I want someone to tell me what to do, to take care of me. I need someone who will be able to take what I'm offering in return...complete unrequited love and devotion.
I'm needy, and I don't have much to give back, but I do have my heart.
I don't think last night's lorazepam has worn off yet... I'd better go back to bed before I start seeing little pink elephants.
||last purred at 11:17 a.m.||
||Thursday, December 19, 2002||
I feel like I've been riding a fucking rollercoaster for the past month... half the time I'm amazingly happy, and the other half I'm looking for a razor blade. Today my mother cheerfully informed me that me being this way is all my fault and I could get better if I really wanted to. This came after she told me my brother lied to me when he said Jess could come Christmas Eve because he was afraid I would get upset. I wouldn't have been upset then, but I'm really fucking mad now! I hate being lied to. And I consider the matter important, even if no one else does. So now I'm trying to decide if I really want to spend Christmas with my family. If I don't, I'll probably be evicted. But I'm beginning not to care.
I'm so tired of people telling me that they're trying to do what's best for me. How do they know what's best for me? Did they ask? Did they spend a few hours inside my head? No, they just assume they know what's best for me.
I think the thing that hurts the most is that they're still uncomfortable about Jess. They keep treating me like I'm gonna break, and they try to come up with excuses so I can't go see her or go out with her. I'm sorry, but it's none of their buisness. Jess makes me happy, so I'm going to be with Jess. End of story. My family can just fuck off.
My depression is improving very slowly, but tonight... I'm having a really rough night, and I have to deal with it alone. I hate being alone.
That's the problem. I'm alone most of the time, even when I'm with other people... except when I'm with my closest friends or my girlfriend, and even then it's a toss-up.
I'm so damn needy. I wish I had never been born. Then I wouldn't have to keep asking for favors I can never return.
I'm lost and I'm tired of wandering alone. Can somebody find me?
||last purred at 01:03 a.m.||
||Saturday, December 14, 2002||
Well, I'm not at home. *cheers quietly*
Of course, I have to go home eventually. *wilts and sighs*
Life just isn't fair sometimes. But other than the fact that my parents are trying to set me a bedtime (O_o) Life is good.
I started work again on Friday. It was extremely boring, but was made slightly better by the fact that my manager had a terrible hangover. Gave me something to quietly point and laugh about. ^^ And, of course, I get paid. Money!!!!!
I managed to talk Jessi-san into buying fishies! Hers are really gorgeous... one is bright red (Kenshin) and one is tri-colored red, blue, and green (Kero-chan) We think they're gay. ^_~
Well, I think breakfast is ready, so I'll stop babbling now. Ja!
||last purred at 12:37 p.m.||
||Sunday, December 8, 2002||
Well, we have now seen the end of my college career. Temporarily, at least. I formally withdrew today, and I have to be out of the dorms by next Monday. It seems so weird to be... done. I have to reinvent my life now. It's gonna be a long process, methinks, but I've got great family and friends. I can do this.
The only real reason I regret leaving is cause now I wont be able to go to school with Chibi-chan and TK-chan. But I'll still be in the area, and it's not like we'll never see each other, no?
Maybe I should have eaten something tonight. Whoops.
Jess is on her way to Illinois tonight... *sigh* Well, I suppose I can live without her for a week. I think. I hope. Wah.
Just kidding sweetie. ^^
Well, this blog is getting ridiculously long, so... STOP!
||last purred at 10:08 p.m.||
||Tuesday, November 26, 2002||
Well, I feel like a bitch. I'm so sorry, Nicky... I shouldn't have thrown that whole thing at you. I do care a whole lot, and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'd tell you this on IM, but well... yes, we know. And I'm going to be moving out of the dorms this week, most likely.
Oh yeah, everyone, I am now a college-dropout. Whoo. *hits self. hard*
But anyways, Chibi-chan, I hope things get better for you soon, and if you need anything just write. You've helped me so much the last few months, I don't know where I'd be without you. So hang in there, and remember you've got a ready-made family up in Minnesota that is eagerly awaiting your arrival.
*Coughs* So, anyways. Less individual stuff. Oh yes, I am dropping out of school because I'm going crazy, my parents are driving me insane, my girlfriend is going out of town for a week, and did I mention that we have about 20 people in town from Finland for my sister's wedding?
Bah. I suppose it could be worse. It could be snowing.
*glances out window and cringes*
Damn.
||last purred at 12:40 p.m.||
||Monday, November 25, 2002||
How seme are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Excuse me while I die laughing.
X_x
I outscored Jess on the seme test! *giggles* That's gotta be an accomplishment or something...
||last purred at 12:34 p.m.||
||Tuesday, November 19, 2002||
I don't have any idea why I'm blogging, especially since what I really want to do is go to bed. Damn head cold. Poor Jess got it worse than I did, though... I feel a little guilty about that ^^;;
Don't ask. You really don't want to know.
So anyways, we went out for D's birthday tonight... ate way too much, in fact, I got extra cause mine was cold. So I've got meals for about three days here. Anyways, it was fun, except that two of us were ill. But eh, that's life.
I'm going to a bachlorette tea on Saturday. Don't ask me why they chose tea. But it should be fun- wish it wasn't on Saturday, but I guess they've gotta do what they've gotta do.
Almost finished philosophy paper. Whoo.
You know, I should finish my To-ya/Yuki fanfic.
On that note...
||last purred at 10:53 p.m.||
||Thursday, November 14, 2002||
I hate my homework. I'm tired, I'm cranky, my back aches, and I'm about ready to throw myself out the window.
On a happier note, I had a great weekend. ^_^
On Friday night Jess and I went to my sister's for dinner, and had a great time. My sister made this interesting pasta and garbanzo bean thing.... it tasted pretty good. And Jukka had to show off his bread cutter that works like a table saw... Susie kept telling him to not cut his fingers off. *giggles* After dinner we watched "Four Weddings and a Funeral" which was very funny and had gay men! *is way too excited.* We were a very cute sight, with Jukka and Susie curled up at one end of the sofa and me and Jess on the other.
After that we were really romantic and went grocery shopping. ^^;;
We went to the mall Saturday and spent far too much money... I got shoes for my sister's wedding, and some awesome shirts, and Jess got these really nice pants... *coughs* I'm shameless, really. ^_~
We went to dinner with D. Perkins. Nice place. Cheap food. Great turkey. ^_^ Wow, I sound like an advertisement.
That's about all... although I finally don't sound like a bad teenage romantic movie *points to entry sometime previous and blushes slightly.*
All in all, great weekend. Now I've just gotta finish this damn Spanish homework....
Yeah. Right.
||last purred at 12:22 a.m.||
||Monday, November 11, 2002||
Big surprise for you all, I'm sure, but I have more stuff to complain about. I really need to learn how to ignore stuff like this...
Like what, you ask?
Oh, you didn't ask?
Too bad, I'm telling you anyways.=P
I have a five page paper due in Drama class tomorrow. I'm not really doing too badly, I'm at four pages, but the entire thing turned into a man-bashing session. It's... bitter? I dunno, just kinda weird. I have to work tonight, but hopefully I'll have time to finish it up during *cough* "work", tonight.
Second complaint of the evening? By back is killing me. I literally feel like someone is stabbing me in the back wish a blunt knife. I'm not entirely sure what to do about it... I guess I'll just wait until tomorrow and try to con my sister, Jukka, or Jess into giving me a backrub.
On the plus side, my sister now knows I'm a lesbian. She's completely cool with it. Her response when I told her was "So?" Makes me wonder why I was so scared to tell her.
I have to leave for dinner soon. I think I'll have some nice... cereal. Or mashed potatoes. Maybe ^^ I should probably eat better, no?
My roommate was driving me crazy today (as usual) but then came home with some bottles of Italian soda, so I really can't be mad at her anymore. I've gotta go shopping... all we have to drink here is water and tea, plus now the Italian soda which wont last long. Plus I'm down to my last thing of ramen. Looove ramen. It is a college student's dream -quick, convenient, tasty.
*happy sigh*
So anyways, I'm sure you're all terribly interested in all my rambling... maybe I should stop now. ^^;; Actually, I have to. So why am I still typing?
*baps self in head and leaves*
||last purred at 06:23 p.m.||
||Thursday, November 7, 2002||
I made it through all my classes today! *throws confetti* Of course, I'm completely behind in Spanish, but I'll catch up. I have confidence in me! *resists urge to burst into song* The Sound of Music really ought be be outlawed. I've been tortured by that 'How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria' song my entire life. But that's completely off-topic.
Have I mentioned lately that my roommate is terrible? There is now moldy coffee sitting on my fridge. I may have to hurt her.
Wrote a poem today. Two, actually. This is really exciting, cause I haven't written anything in the past few months. Of course, they were complete crap, but anything is better than nothing, no?
Ramen is the food of gods. Enough said.
Well, apartment plans are now underway. D-chan, Jess, and I are probably gonna move in together this summer. It should be a blast, although we're gonna have to go scavenging for furniture and stuff. I want. A bigger. Bed. This one is scarcely big enough to sleep on. I'm always worried I'm gonna fall off and kill myself. ^^;; But I'm stuck with this until May. Yay. I can't wait to have an actual kitchen. Not to mention a private bathroom. And two roommates who don't drive me crazy. It'll be an interesting test of friendship, methinks. Three people in a one bedroom...
This could be a recipe for either disaster or a really awesome time. Cross your fingers.
My roommate has also decided that our room is too stuffy so she wants to leave the window open. No. Fucking. Way. It's so cold! And of course I'm the one who has to sleep by the windows. It never occured to her to leave the door open, apparently. The door that opens into the nice, warm hallway.
Okay, now I'm just rambling. Ramble Ramble Ramble.
Yup, I'm strange. It's what makes me so cute ^^
||last purred at 03:49 p.m.||
||Monday, November 4, 2002||
I'm trying to decide whether or not it's ethically right for me to skip drama when I'm planning to spend my evening curled up with my human pillow (^_^) watching FruBa. I feel so guilty... I just cant concentrate in class, and I don't really want to go. I honestly think my depression is getting worse. Wonderful, no? I'm gonna see if I can get some extra help from some of my fellow students to catch up, cause the way I'm going I'm gonna flunk.
Damnit, I hate this.
SO anywyas, I have half an hour to decide if I'll be able to make it through drama. I know I can't get through spanish, cause of that whole foreign language thing. Hell, I'm having trouble comprehending in english. Maybe I'll talk to Shelia about teaching me the stuff outside of class. And I'm gonna see if Alicia can help with my philosophy. I don't really need any help with drama, since we don't do anything in there anyways *rolls eyes* and I live with nine other girls who are in my history class, so getting help with that shouldn't be an issue. I don't know how much of this is just in my head, and how much is actually painful... but damnit, I can't concentrate.
Methinks I'm staying home. Although I'll hate myself for it later.
||last purred at 12:24 p.m.||
||Friday, November 1, 2002||
Ha! I was right! I do have a blue aura! That is, if you can trust anything about these quizzes...
What Is Your True Aura Colour?
brought to you by Quizilla
Someone stop me now. This is getting ridiculous.
||last purred at 07:11 p.m.||
||Thursday, October 31, 2002||
Yep, definately time to stop with the quizzes....
How Emotional Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
I'm just a little bored. Can you tell?
||last purred at 07:05 p.m.||
||Thursday, October 31, 2002||
Uh oh. Maybe I should stop taking random quizzes....
What's Your Bedroom Personality? (For Her)
brought to you by Quizilla
||last purred at 06:54 p.m.||
||Thursday, October 31, 2002||
What is your inner spirit?
brought to you by Quizilla
Wow. *blinks* That was slightly unexpected.
You know, I have lab in less than two hours and I still haven't taken my shower. I suppose it's time to get out of bed now.
||last purred at 01:17 p.m.||
||Thursday, October 31, 2002||
There are no words for how much I hate my psychiatrist right now. Turns out my appointment isn't until next week. I'm so calling her tomorrow. The not-able-to-function-ness of the past week has to stop before I flunk all my classes and permanently depress all my friends.
On a brighter note, I have chocolate cookies. They are very good.
In a couple hours I get to go watch Medea with my drama class. I swear I'm only going cause I'm getting fed. It's not like I'm gonna be able to focus on it at all. Luckily all my profs have been talked too, so she'll understand if I'm less than aware.
My roommate is getting on my nerves. This is nothing new. But I wish she wouldn't swear at me at three in the morning when I turn on a light so that I can distract myself from my fucking headache.
Bitter? Not at all. Just annoyed.
I really can't wait for Friday. Classes over, just a whole weekend of hanging out with Jess, D, and TK. I'm gonna have to do some makeup work from this week, but that doesn't mean I have to do it right away. I need a real break, not just a lying-in-my-room-miserable intermission. Besides, as always, I have ulterior motives ^_~
So I've just gotta last through the next few days. Easy, right?
Hardly.
I've really gotta curb the urge to sing. It's coming down....
||last purred at 05:41 p.m.||
||Wednesday, October 30, 2002||
Wow... the headache is still here. Someone remind me to hurt my shrink. Although I bet it's mostly cause I haven't eaten much today ^^;; I should really work on that.
I feel so honored lately. There are so many people that are worried about me, that try to help me and want to be around me. Although I often feel very lonely at school, where I am friendly with all but friends with none, I always know I have someone to come to. I've never really had that before in my life, save the occasional exception, like D-chan. I don't know if I'm worth all the attention, but I'll try to be.
I'm sorry to the people I've hurt in the past with my thoughtlessness, one person in particular who I doubt will be reading this. Just know that it wasn't really you. I still care about you very much, and I wish that things didn't have to be this way. If you ever want to talk to me again, I'm just an IM box away.
I know things aren't gonna spontaneously get better. But having someone there just eases the burden some. I hope I can do the same for all my friends someday. If you ever need a place to go or someone to talk to, I'm always here. Jess, D-chan, TK, Nicky, Em, everybody... I love you all.
Tonight seemed the night for sappy confessional stuff. I promise I'll be back to my regularly scheduled insanity tomorrow. ^_^
||last purred at 12:44 a.m.||
||Tuesday, October 29, 2002||
I have the worst fucking headache. Damn damn damn.
*brightly* How are you? *laughs* I'm not really that pissed about the headache. I don't even know why I'm blogging right now. I guess the boredom has finally gotten to me... I should get a life. Or, lacking that, a Playstation to keep myself occupied.
Wah. I dunno why I'm happy. But it's nice.
||last purred at 04:58 p.m.||
||Monday, October 28, 2002||
I looooove daylight savings. Of course, I was intending to use the time to sleep. That didn't work. So, here I am! I'm sure you're all delighted to hear from me.
Damn, I'm in a good mood. Guess it's to make up for my bad mood all day.
Well, the family thingy was fun. My nephew is an absolute riot, and my niece is adorable. And chubby. ^^ So I had a lovely dinner with homemade from-scratch pizza and the most amazing German chocolate cake. My sister-in-law is a better cook than she thinks she is. And there were no tragedies, and I came home with leftover pizza and cookies my Grandma made for me... it's all good.
The big problem I had is that the new med I'm on apparently makes me feel like throwing up for five or six hours after taking it. Yay. But I'll live.
I want so bad to be happy. Or maybe just alive.
||last purred at 01:00 a.m.||
||Monday, October 28, 2002||
I have been resisting the urge to sing "Snow Day" by Trip Shakespeare all day. It's stuck in my head, but I really don't want to jinx us or soemthing. I might be Minnesotan, and I might be used to the weather, but if it snows from October to April I may have to either move to Hawaii or tear my hair out. ^^;; It's been determined that every single person in the state of Minnesota has SADS. It's a scary thought, but it's true. By the end of February everyone will be so irritable that it's generally best to hide in a closet for the remainder of the winter, or until the snow melts.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call a tangent ^^;;
Anyways, in addition to the completely random song in my head, I also spent the day with a splitting headache. My sister's bridal shower was today (it was fun, if a bit boring) and being the idiot that I am I decided it would be okay to have a little wine. Um, apparently wine and my new meds just don't go together. It was bad.
Then, to just make things even better, when I got home I had to write an essay on the Black Plague, which has got to be the most depressing topic of all time. I had to write this with the alcohol/medicine dizzy headache.
Surprisingly enough, I'm in a pretty good mood. I'm just weird like that.
Tomorrow... The Family Get-Together and Photo Session! If anyone feels like abducting me and holding me hostage, tonight would be the night. Please....
||last purred at 01:14 a.m.||
||Sunday, October 27, 2002||
New Layout! Aint it purdy? Loooove Tsuzuki. Love kitties. There is lots of love here right now. Or it could be the chocolate chips I've been munching for an hour now. Sugar rush ^^
For some reason I am in an incredibly awesome mood, which almost always means a crash later, so you might wanna avoid me tomorrow morning ^^;; Hopefully I wont crash. The psychiatrist put me on a stronger med, so hopefully my life will be normalish soon. I'm pretty confident, anyways.
Damn, I need a backrub. Either that, or a chiropractor ^_^;;
I'm leaving now before I bore the hell out of everyone.
||last purred at 10:33 p.m.||
||Thursday, October 24, 2002||
Wahahaha! It is I, the evil Kouri, changer of layouts, that hath abducted this page!
....*coughcough* No really. Tsuzuki.
||last purred at 11:23 p.m.||
||Thursday, October 24||
