what inspires you to devote time to this page?
i can't think about that one without somehow asking myself, what made me start writing in the first place?
to which i can only reply, was there ever a time when i stopped? sure there were many uninspiring moments, dead end stories and an embarassing lack of respect for deadlines but somehow i always reach full circle when writing.
when i was younger, i wrote because it was my outlet, my release. when i got a bit older, i wrote because it was necessary. at twenty-three, i write because i have to pay the bills. i write for my many selves. i write for all these reasons and so much more.
Thursday, December 19, 2002
09:19 a.m.
my friend wrote me a story this morning. it was a spur of the moment sort of thing. it won't win any awards but i like it for its simplicity, sincerity and above all, spontaneity.
once upon a time there was a tiny slug. and the slug looked up at the sky and wondered if it could fly. so the slug slowly crawled up a tree and jumped off a leaf only to make a gentle thump on the soft ground. the slug realized it could never fly and having once tasted the sky, it no longer wanted to live.
don't reach too high, he said. you might get there and then not be able to live without it.
todo es posible, no? where has my mind wandered?
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
07:47 a.m.
i have this korean student who has been hitting on me since the first day of our classes. a thirty-something korean cosmetics businessman with a wife and two kids. talk about luck. this guy is starting to creep me out each time he attempts to get fresh with me. what is it with koreans? if they aren't hostile towards me, they are amorous and malicious.
this guy keeps bugging me. he has asked me to go out with him for lunch, movie and dinner. afterwhich, as he has elaborated, maybe we could hang out at his apartment to play with his computer and watch dvd's. argh. i'm not particularly fond of korean men who smell like kim chee in the mornings especially the kind who bat their eyelashes at me when they're trying to be cute. it just doesn't work.
he asked me the other day if it would be alright with me to make him my boyfriend while his wife is not here. i couldn't decide if i was going to laugh at his face or cringe at the idea. i gave him a weird look, a weak smile and proceeded to laugh nervously. shiet.
yesterday afternoon i took one of my wonderful mid-afternoon naps right after class. teaching one-on-one can be so draining so i savor every afternoons when i have nothing else to do. anyway, i had a brief glance at my future while i was lying on my stomach, my face smushed against my favorite pillow that day. it was more than a glimpse, it was an epiphany. i suddenly saw myself on a week day morning, sprawled on my bed, alone and eight years older.
a seer once told me that i most likely will have no strong need for a husband or a boyfriend. not to say that i'm an emotional cripple, a frigid cow, cold, detached and heartless. all he meant to say was that if i would ever find myself in a situation such as my vision, it wouldn't be such a big deal. if i can find a partner in life, wonderful. if not, there are plenty of things in life to go after.
there i was, sleeping in bed; tangled in my dreams, alone in my sheets. it was kinda sad how i actually enjoyed the whole sensation.
Monday, December 9, 2002
07:45 a.m.
sometimes i wonder if this is a good thing. i prepare to write down the highlights of my day, the funny moments, the silly conversations, the absurd and the ridiculous. and then my mind hangs and my writing is paralyzed. i can't figure out if it's fear of writing or if i'm just one lazy ass mofo.
my teacher in philosophy used to tell us that there are no guarantees in this world. we can try writing and articulating everything that needs to be expressed but in the end, after everything has been said and done, the most important thing is never said.
Friday, December 6, 2002
06:25 a.m.
because i can't be bothered to write, i will have to use someone else's words.
Nalulungkot ako...
Ngunit bakit ‘di ko maisulat ang mga katagang magluluwal ng aking kalungkutan? Nais kong iluha ng aking panulat ang mga kinitil na pangarap, ang mga ugnayang nawasak, ang mga nawaglit na pangako at ang mga sandaling lumipad sa alapaap...subalit ipinagkakait ng aking diwa ang mga salita.
Marahil, hapo na ang aking katawan.
Nanuot na ang kalungkutan sa mga buto ko’t kalamnan. Sinaid na nito ang aking lakas. Siniil hanggang maagnas ang bawat bahagi na aking kabuuan. Pinilit kong iunat ang aking kamay, ngunit ang mga daliri ko’y unti-unting dinurog ng kapaguran.
Marahil, bangag na ang aking isipan.
Sinakluban na ng kalungkutan ang mapaglaro kong utak. Hinigop na nito ang aking imahinasyon. Pinagod sa kahahanap ng sagot sa mga tanong na walang tiyak na hangganan. Pinilit kong hagilapin ang mga salita, ngunit ang mga salita’y isa-isang nawalan ng kahulugan.
Marahil, manhid na ang aking kaluluwa.
Dinukot na ng kalungkutan ang malaya kong puso. Kinuyom sa kanyang palad. Piniga hanggang ang lahat ng damdamin ay tumagas. Pinilit kong damhin ang pighati, ngunit ang mga imahe’y dahan-dahang nilamon ng kawalan.
Nais kong magsulat ukol sa ‘di tumitilang ulan, sa ‘di makaunawang kadiliman, o kaya’y sa ‘di matahak na daan...subalit lahat ng ito’y wala nang kabuluhan.
Ako’y hindi na ako.
Nakalulungkot...
‘Di ko na alam ang kahulugan ng kalungkutan.
Friday, December 6, 2002
06:11 a.m.
this will be a short one. i haven't updated for ages. i will soon but for now, this will do. i think i'm experiencing some post-birthday crisis. yeah, yeah. i know what you're thinking. i just can't be bothered to write about things at this point in time. i've also been kinda sick. i think it's the weather. my body has been a bit sore the past few days. i keep getting these slight sting-like headaches and i am coughing incessantly. could be some kinda flu. dunno.
there's so much to tell. i'm actually thinking of skipping work today. i should just do what needs to be done, yeah?
i personally recommend this album for its hypnotizing top quality clucking efforts.
ho ho ho.
Sunday, November 24, 2002
11:12 p.m.
minsan badtrip magmahal
iwasan mo, ikaw din ang masasaktan
sundan mo,ikaw din iiyak
bigay mo lahat kulang pa rin
nagpakatanga ka na,gagaguhin ka pa
minsan hintay ka nang hintay,di mo alam
iniwan ka na pala
minsan na akong nagmahal
minsan na akong nasaktan
minsan na rin nagpakatanga dahil minsan "minahal kita"
hahayaan ko pa bang maulit?
bakit hindi?
eh,minsan lang akong naging masaya nang mahalin kita
di ba masakit pag-iniwan ka?
di ba masakit pag niloko ka?
di ba masakit pag pinaasa ka?
pero di ba mas masakit pag pinaniwala ka na mahal ka nya,
kahit may mahal na syang iba?
nagmahal ka na ba?
pero inakala mong mali kaya tinago mo na lang?
nasaktan ka na dahil alam mong mahal mo sya pero di mo maipakita?
nasubukan mo na bang magsisi na dapat sana
ay sayo sya kung ipinadama mo lang sana?
takot ako mawala ka
di ko alam kung bakit?
di sa hindi ako mabubuhay nang wala ka
kundi takot akong dumating yung panahon na mahal pa rin kita
...kahit wala ka na
pag nawala ako, siguro di yun kawalan sayo
di yun makakaepekto sayo,
pero gusto ko lang malaman mo,
masaya ako...
bakit?
kasi kahit minsan sa buhay ko, nakilala ko ang isang katulad mo
magmahal?
marunong ako nun!
yung tipo bang tanga ka na, sige pa rin kasi mahal mo siyang talaga
pero sa bandang huli, itatanong mo
tanga ba talaga ako?
o mahal ko lang talaga siya?
mahirap makipaglaban sa bagay na alam mong talo ka
wala kang magagawa kundi hayaan mo na lang tumahimik hanggang ilayo niya
siya sa iyo,
ang taong pinakamamahal mo,
doon mo maiisip na sana
pinaglaban ko siya
minsan natuto kang magmahal
minsan naranasan mong masaktan
minsan natuto kang umasa
kasi minsan minahal mo siya ng lubusan
Sunday, November 24, 2002
09:07 p.m.
i've been trying to write for the past few days but i've been having some trouble. i don't know if its just lack of interest or if i am just in need of a muse, all i am certain of is that i am having what they call writer's constipation. it's strange because i shouldn't be stressing about anything now considering how things are slowly picking up especially regarding my employment status.
i got a call back from that horrible korean lady telling me she would like to arrange another meeting with me. they want me to do a quick teaching demo this coming monday. so it looks like i just might end up teaching standard american engrish to these korean students. and here i thought my interview was rather sucky.
horrible korean lady: so you read many book? do you love reading? how many book you read in a month?
me: oh i love to read. i'd say i read an average of two to three books a month.
hostile korean lady: oh, you need to read more.
me: *why you little shit..* oh of course, i try to read as much as i can.
wretched korean lady: ok, so i look at your test scores and you have not so bad results but i advise you to study more, ok?
me: *what the fuck..* oh that can be arranged.
annoying korean lady: ok, well i think about your application cos i dont know just yet. wait outside lobby and i will call you again.
me: *jesus fucking christ, that didn't go very well..* that would be fine. thank you for seeing me.
this has been the second time i've had an interview with a korean lady for a teaching gig and both times they were very hostile towards me. is it just me or are koreans naturally bitchy like that?
anyway, i got a call from trinia and she's informed me that we have a two day production gig the first week of december. the talent fee is pretty good and she's assured me that the work won't be as stressful so i've decided to accept the job. i'm not about to deny god's blessings even if it means not sleeping for two consecutive days.
however, that's just the tip of the iceberg. my friend gerard has asked for my services to compliment one of his business ventures. i shall be writing a business proposal for one of his sms applications all for a reasonable sum that's to my liking. very nice indeed.
but i must say, truly the icing on the cake for this past week was my big job interview last friday. in one of the fanciest IT office lobbies i've seen, i met my interviewer and potential immediate supervisor. it turns out i know this guy! not personally anyway but i've seen him around school before. we're from the same class of 2001 and know the same people. talk about it's a small world after all. he's assured me that since we're from the same school and the same class, i pretty much have one of the slots for the job. i can't decide if that's a good thing or not? he kept stressing of course, and i'd like to believe him, that i secured that slot because i fulfilled all his requirements. i'm trying not to get too excited about it since nothing's final at this point in time. he's supposed to give me a call this week so here's hoping i get that job. it would really do wonders for my undefined career.
so yeah, if everything goes as planned, i will be booked for the entire month of december and i will be very very happy. not bad, yeah? and to think i had almost resigned myself to a very sad and very skint christmas.
but ack! my birthday is in a week. what to do, what to do? any suggestions?
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
07:58 a.m.
yesterday was my mama's birthday. surprisingly, the day went pretty well. it was nice, like having a warm, toasty bed on a cool filipino morning. i'm trying to change things around here. someone told me i should draw energy from the house and it seems to be working. i don't exactly know how i'm doing it but i feel it's working. instead of always trying to counter the shit that i have to deal with, i work with it. it's almost like learning how to ride a horse. you'd get pretty bruised if you wouldn't ride the horse with every trot and gallop.
i went to a teaching gig interview/exam yesterday afternoon. the place had a mental institute vibe to it. they made me take a 100 question english grammar and spelling test in one of their tiny confessional box type rooms. it was only big enough to fit a small table and two chairs. it had one flourescent light bulb and a tiny glass window on the door for viewing, truly a claustrophobe's nightmare. anyway, they told me to call them at 9.30 this morning to check on my results.
on the way home, i rode the wrong jeepney and ended up taking the scenic route. what would've been a 15 minute ride took an hour, that's how scenic it got. it wasn't so bad anyway because i always do my meditation exercises when in transport. it clears my head and i sit there all calm and relaxed. pretty refreshing really, you should try it sometime.
i passed by one of the many gay music bars near my house that evening and this particular music bar caught my atttention. there were about ten half naked guys either sweeping the floor, wiping the tables, washing the windows and setting the chairs. i wonder how much these guys are being paid?
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
08:19 a.m.
a prize to anyone who can guess what this is. hehe.
it might be time think about my christmas wish list ;)
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
12:11 a.m.
something to calm my frazzled nerves.
Pilgrim's Theme
Lyrics by Johnny Go, SJ
Music by Manoling Francisco, SJ
Tired of weaving dreams too loose for me to wear.
Tired of watching clouds repeat their dance on air.
Tired of getting tied to doing what’s required
Is life a mere routine in the greater scheme of things?
Through with taking roads someone else designed.
Through with chasing stars that soon forget to shine.
Through with going through one more day – what’s new?
Does my life still mean a thing in the greater scheme of things?
I think I’ll follow the voice that calls within
Dance to the silent song it sings.
I hope to find my place, so my life will fall in place
I know in time I’ll find my place in the greater scheme of things.
Each must go his way. But how can I decide?
Which road I should take; who will be my guide?
I need some kind of star to lead me somewhere far.
To find a higher dream in the greater scheme of things.
The road before me bends; I don’t know what I’ll find.
Will I meet a friend or ghosts I left behind?
Should I even be surprised that you’re with me in disguise
For it’s your hand I have seen in the greater scheme of things.
I think I’ll follow the voice that calls within
Dance to the silent song it sings.
I hope to find my place so my life will fall in place
I know I in time I’ll find my place...
For yours is the voice in my deepest dreams
You are the heart, the very heart of the greater scheme of things.
So here I think I’ll follow the voice that calls within
Dance to the silent song it sings.
I hope to find my place, so my life will fall in place
I know in time I’ll find my place...
Why don’t we follow the voice that calls within.
Dance to the silent song it sings.
One day we’ll find our place
For all things fall in place.
For all things have a place
in the greater scheme of things.
Monday, November 18, 2002
10:27 p.m.
almost a year ago, i told myself that i will make sure that i will accomplish four simple things:
a. get a job
b. save money
c. find love
d. lose my virginity
it has been three hundred and fifty two days since then. i have been through four jobs in the past ten months. i have not saved a single centavo. love is as elusive as it has ever been. and i am still a goddamn virgin.
i am turning twenty three in twelve days. i can't believe it's already been an entire year.
panic.
Friday, November 15, 2002
12:37 a.m.
mabuhay ang pelikulang pilipino. this is certainly encouraging for all aspiring writers.
now all i have to do is come up with a silly idea.
Sunday, November 10, 2002
08:03 a.m.
more reasons for me to keep drinking.
The Buffalo Theory
The following is an actual excerpt from this month's Forbes's
Magazine: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole herd is maintained or even improved by the regular culling
of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate
the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance.
It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regiment of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their college years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its
technological edge, we must not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be!
truth or bullshit?
Saturday, November 9, 2002
07:36 p.m.
a christmas song
ang aking pasko
pagkalembang ng batingaw
ang aking puso'y napapahiyaw
lumulukso sa pagdating ng ilaw na dala ng
nagsisimulang araw
magsisimbang gabi na naman akong kasama mo
maririnig ko nang muli ang tinig mong inaawit
ang himig ng pasko
sa simula ng pagdarasal ko
ngalan mo'y agad sa puso ko
sana nama'y idulot Niyang mabago ko ang mundong
inaalay ko sa'yo
sa araw ng pasko magsisimba akong kasama mo
at doon ko iaabot ang anumang mapawi ko
kasama 'tong aking inaawit
ipapamalas ko ang pag ibig na nadarama sa'yo
katulad ng pagmamahal na sanhi ng pagdiriwang
nitong ating pasko, o giliw ko
at sa araw na ito alalahanin mo
handang handa akong maging kapiling mo
kahit matapos na itong pasko
Saturday, November 9, 2002
07:10 p.m.
i found this today in my old stash of notes, clippings and billing statements.
virtuous reality
if you think everybody out there is having sex, think again. there are lots of people who are choosing to save sex until marriage - like those of us pictured here. we've chosen to wait because we want to know love to the fullest. we want to give ALL of ourselves to our future mates. we want to carry no baggage on our honeymoon. sure, purity requires patience. but the best things in life are worth waiting for. and marriage is definitely one of life's best things.
