This week, brings a decisive development in your life. A denouement. You may well be about to find out that many things are not at all as you had once thought. But that’s OK, for the reality is due to prove better than the fantasy.
Talk about hitting the nail on the head! I'm telling you, Jonathan Cainer is so fucking spot-on than Dionne Warwick. He gets better plotting my life every week and he has yet to fail me. A prize to the first person who can tell me what this denouement is all about. Any takers?
Saturday, February 15, 2003
01:07 p.m.
My heart sings to many, but I answer only to One.
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
08:44 a.m.
I always laugh when my friend calls me a cumquat or a little shit. I kind of like it. No, I'm not a masochist, far from it, I just find that sometimes the most insulting words can sound so endearing when said right. Unfortunately, as much as people would like to believe otherwise, not many know the fine art of cariño brutal.
I'm fine with it really, I take most things with a grain of salt anyway. If you haven't noticed by now, I don't get upset for the obvious reasons. You have to do something incredibly disrespectful for me to stop liking you altogether. Most of the time, I just let it go over my head (these days anyway). I'm so relaxed now it stresses me out. Take for example my ultimate goal in life, I want to be able to get as much out of things without having to work TOO hard (it's alright to work hard but all in moderation baby). If it weren't for the fact that I find it absolutely necessary for myself to be independent and self-sufficient, I would be content being a housewife. I'd just make babies and take care of my husband when he comes home from work.
Speaking of which, V-day is coming up. Alas, I have nothing to fuss about. This is what happens when you study in an all-girls Catholic school all your life, I have never gotten a Valentine, ever. Isn't that sad?
I want to feel loved, dammit.
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
01:38 a.m.
I need a walk today.
I need to get away.
Excuse me if my eyes should fail and if I fade to black.
I keep on walking towards horizons and I try not to look back.
People left behind me all have vanished, there's no trace.
I can't say that I've been better but I'm glad to be gone from this place.
I feel lost, I feel small from this wasted day. Wasted Day, Highwater Rising
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
06:37 a.m.
Today is my brother's birthday. He turns 29 today and he also happens to be gay. He's the oldest and the gayest of all four children. Happy Birthday Jason! Erm, did I just acknowledge my gayness?
As I've told you the last time, I didn't really know what to do about Shaun. I figured I'll just act on what feels best so I've been avoiding him like the plague now. Not too obvious but I'm slowly stepping out of the picture. I'm just getting weird vibes. I don't know if its attraction or smugness, I just don't feel comfortable anymore. I don't like how he hovers.
I did some shopping yesterday. Finally got my first very small paycheck from the new job and I stretched my pesos to buy some new things, not much but good enough for a measly pay. That afternoon, my cousin Penny came over to give me a foot spa, foot scrub, manicure and pedicure in exhchange for the work I did for her French class. I love exchange deals, don't you? But oh! best part of the day was getting a phone call from this company that I've been eyeing for months now. Two weeks ago, I took an exam that lasted for six fucking hours. I was so exhausted, I was sure that I did horribly on the test. But I do think lady luck is smiling on me these days. If the price is right, I will trade the new cube job for this business one. God will provide, I know He will.
Tell me that your sweet love hasn't died. Give me one more chance to keep you satisfied.
Monday, February 10, 2003
01:01 a.m.
Escape
Looking at my life
It's time to make a change
And I count my days to live
And there's pocketful of change
I've been thinking, I don't like to give in
Falling down, it always seems so strange
I could see pictures hanging on my wall
People I dont know, places I'll never go
I hate this town
It's lonely, it's been worrying me
Lately I just want to go
Pack up everything I own cos I hate this town
Anytime you walk away, people always have to say
Something to put you down
Everybody's crazy and everybody's angry
And eventually it gets under your skin
Anyone will hurt you
They say never push the river
They say take it as it comes
But I'm finding that in this city
I'll never feel the same
And it's sinking under my skin
And it's turning over this corpse I'm feeling
I could see ghosts
I still feel haunted
Echoes are calling
Feels like I was always going to leave this town
It's lonely, it's been worrying me
Sunday, February 9, 2003
06:40 p.m.
Life in Three Parts
She could climb from her window over to my house
We would hide up in my room
Where she'd feel safe for awhile
And keep the windows open for the blue skies she'd say
Even when it rained
She kept her ears wide
In case her parents ever called her name
And she owned and told me the truth when
We were on the phone
She'd like to change her name
She'd like to think of stories about places she'd never been
She knows, she made me believe
I loved everything about her and she was in love with me
But she had to go
Mother was too good for her
Daddy wasn't ever good enough
Through the years of fighting
He never noticed how much she grew up
When I last saw her at the corner of two streets
She looked tired
Like she might do something right
She got a job, saves money on a car she never loved
She never looked back
And I always thought that I could be the one
To make her stay
She liked to stay out late, drinking and acting crazy
She was just waiting
I tried to hold her hand
I understood but I could never understand
Why she had to go
I heard her mother's doing her good
I heard her father died last spring
They sold her house last week
And no she still hasn't heard a thing
But I dont think that I'll be the one to tell her
She'd like to change her name
She'd like to think of stories of places she'd never been
She liked to stay out late, telling me stories
About people and places she'd never been
I tried to hold her hand
And I understood what I could never understand
"I just realized that I don't want to be touched." What the fuck do you mean?!?
"I'm confused and I need some time out to find myself." Here's a flashlight, go look for yourself!
"Maybe this is not the right time for us." Fuckin' A, like we'll ever have another time!
"I can't take care of you the way you expect me to. You deserve someone better. That's not me." So why the fuck did you go through all the trouble of wooing me? Jerk.
"I was drunk that night. Sorry." But I wasn't drunk!?!
"We are too different from each other." You're right, we are too different from each other. I'm a woman and you're a wuss.
"We have to meet other people to see what it's like to be with someone else. I'm giving you that choice. If you come back to me, we'll both be better from having chosen freely." So we didn't really choose each other in the first place?!?
"Someday, when we're both ready, I will look for you. When
we don't care about the odds. If we're meant to be, we're meant to be together in the end, right?" Yeah, right. What makes you think I will wait for you.
"I really think that we should break up."
"Why?"
"Because I don't know if I still love you." Ouch.
"I just realized I haven't had time to walk my dog." :|
"I can no longer handle multiple priorities." And yet you can handle multiple orgasms???
If you have any other interesting and more creative breaking-up lines you'd like to share, feel free to throw them at me.
Thursday, February 6, 2003
08:55 a.m.
I don't know what it is but ever since I sat down with Shaun (one of my team mates from work) and he opened up to me, I have found his presence so overwhelming. Don't get any ideas now because it's nothing like what you think. I already found him arresting when I first met him. I don't know if it's just me or other people feel it too but there's something about him that draws people in. If you think about it, it's not really a big deal. You meet people like him every so often. I look at him and I see a black hole. I am drawn to him, reluctantantly, intriguingly. What I don't understand is why he hovers around me just as much. We're so aware of each other, there are moments when we'd just look at each other from across the room as if expecting something. It's almost unnerving at times, when we sit together in class or when eating, I try so hard not to focus on him because I feel like I'm getting entangled in something I'm not sure I want to be a part of. But regardless of what I do, I can't quite grasp what it is. It's not sexual attraction, not even romantic. All I know is that we have some kind of connection and I know he's very aware of it.
I don't know what I'm going to do about all this. I want to talk to him more, I somehow feel like I have to look out for him now. I feel responsible for him, isn't that strange?
Wednesday, February 5, 2003
07:50 a.m.
Something's missing and I don't know how to fix it.
As you already now, I've been busy working. I work shifts so I'm out of the house at the most unusual hours of the day. Not that it bothers me, I actually happen to like it. I'm enjoying it and so far, I like my team. I've never met such an eager, honest and relaxed group of people. Sure, there are a couple of people who are so uptight I wouldn't be surprised if they had a keg up their ass. It surprises me, however, how open we are to each other. Just last night, I sat down with about four people (not all at the same time but one after the other during the course of the day) and read them. In the fifteen minutes that I spoke with them, not only did they pour their hearts out to me but they also cried. Sometimes, people just need to hear from someone else the things they already know about themselves. I don't find it burdensome on my part, not when I'm allowed to be wickedly honest with them. Like I've said in my previous entries, to a certain extent, I feel like this is my way of contributing to the world. I always knew that I want people to benefit from my creativity (or whatever sort of brilliance I might actually have). I am happiest when I know I am able to help people in some way. Now if only I could help myself.
Can't Wait
I don't have the time to see you
When I come back home from work
I take a shower and put some clean clothes on and go out
When I come back home I have whiskey on my breath
I sit out on the porch with my cigarettes I can't stay
I can't wait around for you
I'd tell you how I feel
But you wouldn't listen anyway
I still remember how you used to take the time
And someday I will pack my bags
And turn my collar to the wind
With my hands inside my pockets
So I can't feel you
I can't stay
I can't wait around you
Monday, February 3, 2003
09:10 p.m.
I know I haven't been on as much baby but Mommy's just been real busy these days. Don't worry, when I get my wrist snapped back into place and my brain's working more efficiently, I will write to my heart's content and tell you everything that has been going on in my life (for the last seven days of it anyway). That is, if you're still interested.
I have been too busy straightening my hair for work and reading up on American culture and geography to write these days. That's right, work finally caught up with me. I am currently in training, learning how to speak with a fucking American accent, i.e. being paid to sound as white as I can be. They all call it the Neutral American Accent. Right. But let me flip the script here for a second because I'm actually enjoying all of this. Yes, I admit, I am a big nerd. I am extremely lazy but I'm an information junkie so I never had any problems with school. I really have a good feeling about this year.
I've decided to get a real fucking job and I am hell bent on getting things done this year. This is it.
Alright, new music update - I highly recommend you have a look at Highwater Rising. I wish I could write great sad songs like they can.
Monday, January 27, 2003
07:17 p.m.
When I was in high school, there was a girl who sat behind me in class for a year. She would pass me notes, quoting Neruda, Auden, cummings and her own while the teacher droned on about World History. Those old sophomoric afternoons in school were richer because her. She handed me a letter one afternoon after class. She wrote me a poem that day, back when our minds wandered and saw life’s infinite possibilities.
There’s not a morning I begin
without a thousand questions running through my mind, that I don’t try to find
the reason and logic in this world that God designed
The reason why a bird was given wings
if not to fly and praise the sky
with every song it sings,
what’s right or wrong,
where we belong within the scheme of things.
And why have eyes that sees and limbs that reach
unless we’re meant to know there’s something more?
If not hunger for the meaning of it all,
then tell me what a soul is for.
Why have wings unless you’re meant to fly
and tell me, please, why have minds
if not to question why?
And tell me where, where is it written,
what it is we’re meant to be?
That we can dare to pick up the fruit of every tree
or have our share of every sweet imagined possibility.
Just tell me where.
If we were meant only to tend a nest
then why does our imagination sail?
Beyond the mountains and the seas,
beyond the make-believe of every fairy tale,
why have the thirst if not to drink the wine
and why do waste and taste of things that can’t be ours?
And tell me where, where is it written,
what it is we’re meant to be
that we can dare to find the meaning
in the mornings that we see
or have our share of every sweet imagined possibility.
Just tell me where, where is it written?
Tell me where, if it’s written anywhere.
Monday, January 27, 2003
06:02 a.m.
I have another job interview today at nine. This means braving the horrendous Monday morning rush two hours earlier so I will make it in time at the big corporate office. This also means that I will submit myself for testing so that they may scrutinize and analyze my personality and career objectives within a forty-minute time period. If ladyluck is on my side, they will call me up for another interview so they can probe and pick my brain just in case I'm actually a psychotic bitch. Then they'll say, "Well she's not so bad, she looks promising compared to that other dude who wouldn't even look me in the eye." And maybe, just maybe I get the job and I actually enjoy it. Maybe I'll stay there longer than six months and eventually get promoted. I'll make more money and then I'll finally get copious amounts of nasty sex. And since I've achieved everything there is to achieve in the Corporate way of life, I will attempt to learn new skills like learning how to play Dungeons & Dragons and the art of drawing Japanese pictures upside down. But then after a year or two, I will realize that the Corporate way of life does not have all the answers and then what? What am I supposed to do with these suddenly quantified and qualified smarts?
I need to fucking stop this. Psychobabble isn't as productive as it used to be. Bah.
Friday, January 24, 2003
07:50 a.m.
I've been busy looking for work these days. There is just too much to be had out there and it's frustrating that I have to lie and kiss ass to get a piece of anything. Take for example my little job interview yesterday, I was forty minutes late but thanks to my skillz baby I was able to sail through the entire thing without looking bad.
Snotty Interviewer: You were scheduled at 11, what happened?
Me: Well, I got here a little after 11 and I told the receptionist about my scheduled appointment. She told me to wait but nothing happened.
Snotty Interviewer: So why didn't you ask the receptionist about it? Why didn't you follow up your appointment? You were already waiting for an hour and a half.
Me: Well, when I got in and told her about my appointment, she noted it down. She is the receptionist, after all. I expected her to do her job.
See what I mean? This interviewing thing is just too easy. You just have to figure out a way to either (1) answer their questions as truthfully as you can in a manner that they'll most be receptive to or (2) learn to control the conversation, lead them to bring up questions that you have answers to.
So I've been listening to a lot of new music lately. You never would've guessed it but I'm slowly being pulled into the world of urban music (dat's rap and hiphop to you ignant peepz). Das right bitch, ya know what I mean? It's fascinating. It's an entirely new culture so foreign to me seeing as I'm so whitewashed and everything. Dis all be interestin' to me, yo!
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
08:23 a.m.
There were a lot of things that I failed to mention over the past few weeks. First off, I finally found out what was wrong with me! After making me wait outside his office for three glorious mind-numbing hours, I was told that I have asthma. No big deal. I'm under observation with my meds for a week and then we'll see if he can take up my medication a notch higher. Shouldn't be too much of a problem, it's not entirely complicated.
I've made it a point not to talk too much about my personal life on here, offering only glimpses and a few side glances here and there but nothing too revealing. I think maybe that will have to change if I want to move forward. I'm dishing out the dirt so watch out!
As some of you might already know, my parents broke up a month ago (it's been a month already?!) and although it's always sad when two people have to go their separate ways, I believe it was the best decision my parents ever made for themselves. My parents were just two very different people. I don't want to sound all nonchalant about it but it was the inevitable. It was long overdue and as painful as it was for the entire family to go through the whole ordeal, we've all settled down quite nicely. What happened was a lot like refining gold. You had to make it go through fire before you could make something beautiful out of it.
I remember what a friend told me once; as long as you fuck and feed your man well, he will never stray. Maybe there's some truth to it but I couldn't possibly live with that idea. Surely, marriage offers more than just great home-cooked meals and wild unadulterated sex? If it were that simple then why aren't there that many happy marriages around?
I was told that love decides everything. Nothing is more practical than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, what you know that breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in love, I was told. Sure, anyone can fall in love, it's the staying in love part that's difficult. Even a good fuck and a good meal can't sustain that.
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
08:11 a.m.
You, You
You are still a whisper on my lips
A feeling at my fingertips
That's pulling at my skin
You leave me when I'm at my worst
Feeling as if I've been cursed
Bitter cold within
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you
Without you, Without you
Saturday, January 18, 2003
07:56 a.m.
more than two years ago, my brother was given a puppy by his girlfriend. growing up, we were never allowed to have any pets inside the house but panchito (the dog) was suddenly a welcome disturbance in the household. now that all the kids are grown up, panchito was the perfect companion for my mom. he was the latest addition to the family and she doted on him like a newborn baby. soon, our studly panch got rootbeer (my brother's girlfriend's dog) pregnant and gave birth to six more baby pups. we kept two rambunctious little furry giant caterpillars and named them dharma and douglas. cute little things.
this morning, however, i realized that the furry critters have taken over the house. they lord over the household. they found my stash of books, papers and notebooks under the bed and have taken it upon themselves to feast on the damn thing. they've taken my candles, chewed up one of my books and trashed the rest of my things. you just have to love them.
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
07:01 a.m.
i realize that i don't own many things. i don't have many things to my name. sure there's the usual phone subscription to my name, a couple of credit cards, maybe some medical and life insurance. if i die tomorrow, i wouldn't have anything to hand out to the vultures. would anyone want my books? my mad scribblings on bits and pieces of scrap paper? my journals? my boxes of letters and postcards? my stash of photos and memorabilia? would anyone take interest in my crappy computer?
when my grandmother died they made sure to place all her personal belongings in the burial pit with her ashes. even in death she is a pack rat.
we all have secrets don't we? if people found out just how perverse and horny i can be after i'm gone, would that surprise them? to see the expression on their faces would be priceless, especially when they finally come face to face with the jolly green giant.
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
06:50 a.m.
i dreamt about my brother again. this time i woke up with a start in the middle of the night because he was wringing my neck and i couldn't breath. i asked him why he despised me so much, it repulsed me to even speak to him but i had to know. it was because i knew what he was thinking. he hated the fact that i knew what was going on, that i knew every sick thought that went through that wretched head of his. he couldn't stand that i knew, that made him angry. and that's why the first chance he gets, he will have to get rid of me.
third grade is the worst thing that ever happened to me. someone once told me that we are at our most true selves at the age of 9. i forged, stole, lied and skipped classes when i was 9. i knew the repercussions between right and wrong so i feared being reprimanded. and when you're being pulled at two ends, you go off and see how far you can push the envelope.
why must i be so mulish? i swear this is going to lead me to my grave.
Sunday, January 12, 2003
08:22 a.m.
health update:
after that little tripping incident, i'm happy to say that the swelling has died down, my ankle is doing much better and my knee gash is healing nicely. however, in replace of this little accident, i have had this horrible cough that's been around for almost a year now. my head feels like it's going to snap off everytime i cough up a lung. so off to the doctor i go. i had to wait for for five hours just to see dr. lukban and i was only in for about ten minutes before he sent me off to take a series of xrays and pulmonary respiratorial tests. he suspects that it might be asthma, mild bronchitis or diabetes. please don't ask me why he thinks that cos even i don't get it. anyway, i should know what i have as soon as i get the results next week.
and we shall all wait with baited breath.
Thursday, January 9, 2003
04:05 a.m.
close your eyes, they told your story for you
director brad silberling spoke about music like no one i had ever known. songs went beyond the call of duty, he said. songs are companions, partners even collaborators.
it spoke for me when i couldn't, smiled for me when i shouldn't, cried for me when i wouldn't. it answered my questions. it listened to my heart. it endured for me.
i found my song.
Wednesday, January 8, 2003
07:49 p.m.
jesus christ, just my luck, eh. i went out today to run my errands. you know, go to the bank, pick up a few things up, get things sorted - the usual fuck all. well after i've gotten everything done (thank god) and stepped outside to catch a ride home, it starts raining. i pop open my umbrella and started walking causally towards the stop, not really minding where i was walking and paying more attention to the rain. bad idea. i trip over a crack in the sidewalk and land on my hands and knees. and you know me, i'd only be amenable in that position if i was anywhere near a bed. seven hours later, i now have a huge gash on both knees (my fall tore my jeans in the front), bruises on my hands and a sprained ankle. i'm still able to walk albeit with a lot of pain and resentment.
my mom came home with a hair straightening iron this afternoon. whoopteefuckingdoo. now i can have dry, brittle but extremely straight hair everyday, just like what all the movie stars have! hurrah. my sister volunteered to try it out on me (sneaky little brat, she knew i wouldn't be able to kick and scream at her in this sorry state). so now i've got nice, shiny and flat out ironed hair. if i'm going to spend the next few days in pain, i might as well do it in style, don't you think?
Wednesday, January 8, 2003
08:42 a.m.
the other day i found myself sitting on the floor in my room with a small sheet of bubble wrap in front of me. call me crazy but i seriously enjoy popping those little devils one after the other. there is simply something therapeutic about it. if you think that's strange, my sister actually goes out of her way to buy an entire sheet of bubble wrap from the store. she would get on her bed and pop until she drifted off to sleep. some people have blankies, others have their teddies, my sister has good old bubble wrap.
so it has finally come to this. i've decided to bite the bullet. that's right, i think it's time for me to end this pathetic charade of a life that i've been leading. i need to stop acting like a spoiled brat thinking that i deserve everything on a silver platter like i was some royalty. you know, for the longest time i was under the impression that everything would just fall on my lap like some miracle. i was thinking alright, i'll graduate, i'll get a job that i really like, make some money, save some money, move out, get an apartment, boyfriend, car, dog, a rose garden, whatever. but for crying out loud, my life isn't a cliche and it sure as hell isn't a sitcom. so there you go. i have to keep my eye on the ball now. i have a deadline to keep and two years isn't exactly that far off.
and yes, i will be cryptic. it's none of your goddamn business if i can't be bothered to get into the details right now. that just complicates things.
Friday, January 3, 2003
09:34 a.m.
i'm not sure i know how i feel. the year 2002 has truly been tumultous; a lost job, a dead grandmother, a broken home, a broken heart and broken bones. i turned twenty three, christmas came and went by at a glance and here i am, what with the new year and all, and i'm still waiting. for what? i have no idea. maybe i'm waiting for something to happen. maybe i'm stalling because i know there's something i need and have to do. and there is absolutely no way of backing out of it now.
Thursday, January 2, 2003
11:12 a.m.
fubar has requested that i write about food. like hell i will write about food (not in this state of mind anyway). but since it's the new year and i am feeling generous at the moment, let me post this interesting excerpt that was emailed to me a couple of weeks ago about women who eat.
Food: We plan for it and around it, we celebrate with it, we substitute it for sex, we use it during sex. We are a generation of women that grew up with working mothers, TV dinners, microwave popcorn and a hyper-public discourse on eating disorders and our complex relationship to food and
our bodies. We don't and we couldn't eat the same way as any other generation. But we aren't disconnected from food, not in the way our parents thought we might become, not in the way some feminists thought would "rescue" us from the kitchen.
Maybe we're only rescued once we go back in.
...celebrate food and connect to our unique generational positioning in this Williams-Sonoma-loving, Food Network-watching, Zone-dieting land: food fetishes, food and family, food and culture, women on the hunt for the best pastrami on rye, huevos rancheros or martini in the city. I'm looking for vegetarians, sausagatarians...
women who've worked through Diet Coke and rice cake dinners and who are ready to eat; women who still make pot roast every Sunday; women who read cookbooks like trashy novels; women who learned how to make challah from their grandmothers or dream of durian...
Sunday, December 29, 2002
03:17 p.m.
Sa Poetry
Rolando S. Tinio
Sa poetry, you let things take shape,
Para bang nagpapatulo ng isperma sa tubig.
You start siyempre with memories,
'Yung medyo malagkit, kahit mais
Na mais: love lost, dead dreams,
Rotten silences, and all
Manner of mourning basta't murder.
Papatak 'yan sa papel, ano. Parang pait,
Kakagat ang typewriter keys.
You sit up like the mother of anxieties.
Worried na worried hanggang magsalakip
Ang odds and ends ng inamag mong pag-ibig.
Jigsaw puzzle. Kung minsan, everything fits.
Pero sige ang pasada ng images
Hanggang makuha perfectly ang trick.
At parang amateur magician kang bilib
Sa sleight-of-hand na pinapraktis:
Nagsilid ng hangin sa buslo, dumukot,
By golly, see what you've got---
Bouquet of African daisies,
Kabit-kabit na kerchief,
Kung suwerte pa, a couple of pigeons,
Huhulagpos, be-blend sa katernong horizon,
You can't say na kung saan hahapon.
Saturday, December 28, 2002
08:30 a.m.
how hard it must be to simply love me for me. my mind truly open yet my eyes cannot see.
true loves means holding nothing back. those of us with warm hearts tend to put them on the line a little too easily. some people just don't know what to do with something so big and special. just see your warmth as something really, really special. don't waste it on the wrong people. you are worth more than that.
would you want me when i'm not myself?
Friday, December 27, 2002
11:19 p.m.
i am not: going to cry
i love: cuddling
i hate: people who preen
i fear: failure and disappointment
i hope: i get out of this slump soon enough
i hear: energy follows thought
i crave: for money, power and success
i regret: nothing
i cry: when my emotions swell
i care: for things that will fill me with joy
i always: look for something to do
i believe: i am meant for greater things in life
i feel alone: at 10pm on a friday evening
i listen: because people are important
i hide: from people who drivel about inconsequential things
i drive: my mom crazy
i sing: when i can't cry anymore
i dance: when i'm in the shower
i write: only for myself
i play: mind games
i miss: having a best friend
i search: for happiness
i learn: from all my experiences
i feel: like i lost something
i know: He is always there for me
i say: fuck that shit
i succeed: because i work hard to make it happen
i dream: because i remember
i wonder: how it will all turn out in the end
i want: to see the world
i have: to find a way
i give: when i can because i can
i fell: in two years ago and i never managed to get out of it
i fight: for what i believe in
i need: to figure out what i want to do in life