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Some Local Library:
Furious Champion Edition
Thursday, June 12, 2003 - 10:04 a.m. - Defenestrator
Another glorious visit from Mr. Blue
Yes, that headline says it all. Once again, it was another Code: Blue day at the library. Recently, however, the pedophile himself has been gracious enough NOT to grace the children's department with his miasma, although that all came to an end the other day.
He had brought his "children and wife" (quotation marks indicate the speculative nature of such statement - and part of me doesn't want to find out how they're all really related anyways) to the children's department. He had signed both of his "kids" onto a computer so that they could play games. Remember, Mr. Blue is one of those types who just never learned (or refuses to learn) that one is supposed to read quietly while visiting your local public library.
Anyways, what happened was this. One of the computers that his "kid" was playing on had the volume turned up way too loud (we're talking level 11 on Spinal Tap volume control). When the game came on, well, just use your imagination. Anyhow, instead of just going over and turning down the volume, Mr. Blue lets out this loud, annoying laugh and says (with his trademark megaphone-like voice), "Well, somebody got a nasty surprise!" and laughs again. Then, he REPEATS himself! "Well, SOMEBODY got a nasty surprise!", laughs again, then finally turns down the volume (the computer's, not his).
Just another day with Mr. Blue. Now get me my soda, bitch!
Monday, June 9, 2003 - 09:38 p.m. - Defenestrator
I'M GONNA KILL SOMEBODY!!!!!!
Today was actually going pretty well. Honestly. Until they came. Specifically, I am referring to two families that entered our cherished bastion of intellectualism a mere 30 minutes before closing time. As for what they did...
Family #1: We'll just call this family...well, I can't think of a suitable name just right now. Calling them a bunch of idiots would be an insult to idiots. Anyways, there are four kids in this family. A daughter (the eldest) and then three boys. The three boys....well, they could take on the Devil and WIN. No kidding. I almost have to feel sorry for poor ol' Lucifer if it ever came to that. Anyways, I've dealt with this family many times before. Everytime, they follow pretty much the same script. It goes something like this:
1. Arrive at the library 30 minutes before closing time.
2. Upon arrival, make as much noise as possible (after all, they're big-time fucking celebrities and people should know that they've "arrived").
3. Monopolize as many of the computers as possible, even though they have no clue HOW to use the damned things.
4. Whine as loudly as possible when said computer "does not work".
5. Ignore all announcements of the library's impending shutdown of business ("Hey, we're celebrities, they HAVE to let us stay as long as we want!")
6. Once the kids actually GET OFF the computers (AFTER the closing announcement is made, of course), then they go look for their books.
7. Leave library at 5 to 10 minutes AFTER closing.
So tonight, it was pretty much same-o same-o. Except at about 5 minutes till closing, Mrs. She Devil comes up to me and asks to register all four of her "darling" children for the library reading program. My initial reaction is "Oh, you've gotta be fucking kidding me! You had to wait until NOW to ask me that??!!!" Mind you, I was cleaning up around the children's dept AND one of the said demon brats was screaming that his computer couldn't work and that he couldn't play the "Hok game" (I looked at his computer and later figured out that he was trying to say "Hulk game" - brat can't even say the name right...imagine what good ol' Doc Banner must be feeling right now...you wouldn't want to make him mad, after all). So, you can just picture the scene - kids screaming, running around, making a mess even though we had just finished cleaning up the children's area...
Oh, and while all this was going on, there was family #2...
About this family...well, they have a lot in common with family #1. They usually come in around 20-30 minutes before closing, and yes, as you guessed, they like to monopolize the computers too. What sets this family apart though, is the presence of "Dino Boy". Basically, he's a 3-year old boy with a dino-fetish. Normally, he's a very nice and well-behaved kid. Except that EVERY time he comes in, he just has to bring down about 10 dinosaur toys that we have on display on one of our shelves, AFTER we've just finished tidying up the children's play area. Most times, I wouldn't object, but being that this family ALWAYS comes in right before we're about to close, it gets irritating very quickly.
So what made tonight different from the other nights that these genetic backwashes grace us with their presence? Well, tonight, ALL of the kids were on the computers when the closing announcement was given. So I went over, and told everyone that they would have to get off since we were closed. Of course, some of the kids took their sweetass time, and Mr. I-Can't-Get-The-Hok-Game-To-Work was still bitching to his mom about how it was her fault that he didn't get to play on the computer. Well, the kids finally get off, but then they realized that...OOPS, we forgot to choose our books! So all 8 kids (from 2 familes) go scampering off to the different parts of the children's area, looking for books to take home and read.
So, here's a recap...kids come in 30 minutes till closing, make LOTS of noise, whine and scream, stay on computers until AFTER we're closed, then they go looking for books AFTER I kick them off the computers AFTER we've announced that we're closed.
What part of "birth control" did these moms not understand?!
Monday, June 9, 2003 - 10:11 p.m. - The Detective
People are assholes. That's it, plain and simple. They just ignore our closing announcements. They wouldn't pay attention even if I said "Hey shitheads, the library's closing in 5 minutes, so get your asses off the fucking computer and get the hell out!" This lady, who everybody hates, waltzes in 20 minutes before closing, and already she's giving my co-worker crap. And before that, this group of 6 kids come runnning into the library, with no parent there. And guess who's fucking little shitmonkeys belong to? That's right, the bitch.
So her brats are on the computer and whatnot, and 'm announcing that the library is closed. But those brats won't get off the computer. When they finally get off the computers, which is 2 minutes past closing, they go and look for books. This is all bullshit. And the whole time they're getting their books, her mess of kids are being loud and annoying. Defens probably wrote a more detailed post than the one I just did, so you should check his out.
On a lighter note, I miss my girlfriend and I wish she got back sooner.
Thursday, June 5, 2003 - 06:44 p.m. - JackPot
With everyone getting so excited over trading cards and playing cards with different figures on them, it got me thinking. Since the US Military's deck of card featuring Iraqi official was so popular, I think we should make some with our favorite patrons. Since we all have heard about everybody favorite loud mouth, Mr. Blue, I thought I would introduce a new character to our cast.
The Duck is a character only seen over at the reference desk to the best of my knowledge. I don't know if he even as a library card. If he does, he rarely checks out. He is known for being pissed off, monosyllabic and short with everyone he meets. Here is an example of a conversation with The Duck.
The Duck walks up.
Duck: Study Room
The Duck walks off to a room.
Here is another example of some quality interaction with The Duck .
The Duck walks up.
Duck: Computer.
Staff: ok, number 5 is open in the tech center. Go ahead and take a tag.
The Duck takes the tag and walks off.
Five minutes pass....
Duck: This is too slow. (proceeds to take a new tag and walks off)
I mean I know we are a library and you aren't required to be our goddamn buddy , but you don't have to be a jack ass. Everytime I have seen The Duck he has this scowl on his face. I can only entertain thoughts of what his home life is like.
Wednesday, June 4, 2003 - 03:38 p.m. - Doc
FEED ME WITH YOUR KISS
Take two. My first attempt at this update was lost to a corrupt floppy disk – the computers that the public uses are oh-so-closely maintained and wonderful, whereas the disk drives on the staff machines are a complete fucking crap shoot. (Microsoft Word dares suggest “crap shoot” be spelled as one word. This is why I don’t make the big bucks, apparently.) But it’s not that big of an issue, as the events in question are less than an hour old, and I’d only written a few sketchy, highly parenthetical paragraphs. (One such parenthetical aside existed only to make fun of local journalism, which is really something akin to telling a crippled man that he’s got no legs, and that’s a shame because there are lots of great things made even better with a working pair, like walking and leaping and swimming and suchlike. Sadly, the only people who really even read Local Journalism – the papers that have the leper nouns not in use by bigger, more important papers, nouns like “Mirror” and “Coaster” and suchlike – are the sort of nothing-better-to-do right-wing busybodies who call up the library, wanting to complain, always using the expression “my tax dollars”. Get a load of this – one such humorless, dried-up melonhead called this morning; she wanted to complain about a letter to the editor she’d read in a Local Paper. The letter was written by a woman who saw a man looking at pr0n on one of the public computers. Oh, and she wasn’t even sure if it happened at this library, and it didn’t even happen to her, but she and her tax dollars had some complaining to do, all right. These people really exist, for fuck’s sake. Some days I just want to fucking stab the telephone.)
The Most Exciting Event of the day, thus far, is the invoking of the almighty Incident Report – this mysterious and subtle document is filled out by a library Big Shot whenever anything… well, now that I think about it, there don’t seem to be any hard and fast rules about it. It seems to me that these Incident Reports always involve the spilling of blood. This library, lately, has just been awash in the bodily fluids of its patrons; I look at the laundry list and shudder to think what can only be to come. I have no idea what’s done with these – they’re probably just kept in a full-to-brimming vertical file somewhere labeled Covering Our Ass. Anyway, getting to the meat of the matter, your faithful and trustworthy correspondent shall relate to you the Incident in Question; I can do this with true and accurate device because I saw the whole thing, I was sitting literally just feet away, and yet I managed to not get involved.
It’s been another screamy fucking day at the library (New Summer Motto: Go Ahead And Drop Off Your Eight Goddamned Kids, We’re Not Child Molesters Or Anything, Probably) but the scream that accompanied this incident was truly something. Here’s the scene – a mother and two kids are sitting in the easy chairs across from my desk. You know, the ones the Stinking Ethnics like to spread newspapers all the fuck over and fall asleep in, drooling into their unflattering 70’s-porn mustaches like soggy, bloated pulsars. Mother is, of course, completely ignoring her kids, probably lost in a reverie of nitrous oxide and Chardonnay and tubal ligation. The little boy is something to behold: he is sitting and reading quietly. The little girl has more of the right idea: she is jumping around and making all this noise and throwing strips of torn up paper everywhere. Wonderful. You know damn well what’s going to happen, and it does – she falls and whacks her head on the table. I didn’t see the fall itself, but I heard the unmistakable thwump and the scream thereafter. Now, I am not without pity here. You’re a kid, you fall, you hit your head pretty fuckin’ hard – you’re going to be in pain, and that’s completely fair. It’s the mother I take issue with for a couple of reasons.
Mistake Number One: she just wasn’t controlling her kid. One of the key and most vital differences between children and adults is the adults’ ability to spot and predict danger. The kid wasn’t behaving like she was in a public library, where (a) it is supposed to be quiet and (b) there are hard surfaces and corners and suchlike; the mother could and should have called her on this. If fucking dumbass mom hadn’t decided that it was just too much trouble to zone back the fuck into reality for five fucking seconds and tell her darling child to settle down, the poor kid never would have taken the unpleasant shot to the head.
Mistake Number Two: Instead of leaving after the kid got hurt, they stood around for a while. The girl, of course, just screamed and screamed. The mother made a lot of blah-blah-blah noises for a while; yes, the kid is still hurt and in obvious pain, perhaps going home or even the hospital is in order? No, they all pack up and come on back to the fucking workroom. I just can’t figure it. Why are these people allowed to have children? Popular culture has fucked up once again: we are encouraged to remain selfish, vapid, irresponsible adult children for as long as is remotely possible, and we are also encouraged to get out there and squeeze out some more bairns for the glory of the Lord God Oh Wow Super-Deluxe Holy Jesus Christ or Mysterious Space Tyrant JHVH-1 or Captain Allah or Chuck Jones Presents Looney Toons Starring The Entire Fucking Hindu Pantheon. Dumbasses and babies just don’t mix. Get it straight and try crossing your legs, people.
Tuesday, June 3, 2003 - 10:32 p.m. - Defenestrator
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE...
I propose that this summer's library theme should be "We Got Crap". Tonight, 15 minutes before we closed, a patron came up to the children's desk to inform the children's librarian (i.e., my boss) that there was a puddle of stool in the women's restroom. What set this lump apart from other lumps that get dumped in our public bathrooms daily was that this lump wasn't dumped into a toilet. Rather, this lump made its way to the FLOOR. Quoting the patron directly, "There has been an accident in the bathroom. On the floor. Number two."
So twice in one week already, patrons have failed to deposit their waste and excrement in the proper receptacles. First, "whitey tighties" (see my previous entry) organically sterilizes one of our chairs, and now some jackass goes and defecates all over the public bathroom floor.
And if this wasn't enough, there were about six or seven people at the children's desk simultaneously, all with "emergencies" that required my immediate and undivided attention. "Emergencies" such as "I need a computer" and "Can you help me find a video about dogs?"
It amazes me how someone can walk up to the desk, clearly see that I am occupied with a patron, and still blurt out "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me!!!" Even more amazing is the complete lack of comprehension of the phrase, "Can you hold on please? Can you not see that I am busy?"
Now that I've thought about it, this summer's theme shouldn't be "We Got Crap". Instead, I think that "Kill 'Em All" would be much more appropriate.
Oh, and Mr. Blue showed up tonight. I should probably go get checked for SARS.
Tuesday, June 3, 2003 - 07:00 p.m. - Doc
IN CAHOOTS WITH THE FIVE-OH
Jackpot wrote that his idea for the library's summer slogan is It's Going To Be A Long, Hot One.
Jackpot is a dirty, dirty man. But obviously, we are dealing with the public, which is to say idiots; therefore his hot sexy subtlety is completely inappropriate. I propose that we target that thick, taut, and juicy teenage demographic with my slogan: Your Local Library: We Have Books With Pictures Of Tits. Said books are often recovered from the bathroom or from a hidey-hole behind our back issues of Nintendo Power. We live and work in a classy area. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to download some clip art - I'm designing the free promotional bookmarks.
Tuesday, June 3, 2003 - 04:32 p.m. - JackPot
It's Not the Heat, It's the Humanity
Ahh Yes.....Summer is here in all it's glory. All it's screaming kids, oblivious parents, preteens playing games for 5 hours on end and to top it all off it is a furnace outside. This makes for an interesting dilemna, work means dealing with all these ya-hoos (not to be confused with www dot doyouyahoo dot com) but it also means cool A/C. I think I would rather be here than home on the hot days, and I know I would rather be here than in my car any day.
I got to spend sometime over in the children's department for an hour this morning, something I haven't done for many moons. Being over there affirmed my long-harbored suspicions: I will in fact castrate myself with a rusty screwdriver before ever having kids. The other option is to perform a self vasectomy using that cheap plastic ware that is available for free at most fast food establishments (in the event that said rusty screwdriver cannot be found). I had no idea that the Summer Reading Club made this place so busy. I was both shocked and awed and how many people signed up for computers and reading logs and wanted to know about summer programs and blah blah blah. I am glad I am not over there all the time.
The event of the day (for me anyway...) seems to be some new patron a co-worker made me aware of. He kind of ambles from computer to computer when he needs to use the web and sits down at his own will. This wrecks our highly precise system of laminated colored paper that match the corresponding computer. Come on guy, this isn't the nineties...get with the program. After about the third time I booted him off a computer and told him he has to sign up to use them, I was ready to boot him in the head. It is only the third day of june, and there is already some serious head-shaking going on about our ability to stay sane. My idea for the library's Summer slogan: "It's going to be a long, hot one"
Tuesday, June 3, 2003 - 03:49 p.m. - The Detective
SARS, No Tag Back!
You know, with me having worked at this particular library for almost three years, you would think I would know how the summers go by. I have one of the most notoriously bad memories anyone could ever have. And after a few months, if you ask me how the summer went, I will have no idea what to tell you. I tend to just shrug and say “I don’t know.” The library staff’s theory about my memory failure is that it’s a safety mechanism. If I had actually remembered how bad and busy the summer’s were, I would have quit ages ago. I probably would have too.
I’ve think I’ve said this before, but people are idiots. This guy comes up and just moseys over behind whoever I was helping, disregarding that sign that says “Please form 1 line.” I tell him that he needs to get to the other line, and he tells me that he thought he was in line, despite the fact that there was a line of three to four people at the other terminal. He waits his turn, then comes up to turn in a book. The book wasn’t even overdue, and I tell him that he could have just dropped the book into the book drop, and as he’s walking away, he says “Whatever.” Well then fine, fuck-head, whenever there’s a huge fucking line, I will make you wait in it just to return a book. I don’t care how long the line is or how long it will take you to get to the front desk, I don’t want to hear any of your goddamn whining. Asshole.
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