finding myself...again.
Today, I know there are a million things I'm already thinking of doing and I find it funny that I thought, "Well, this comes first. I have to sort through everything first."
I was out all weekend and I felt really bad that I couldn't talk to anyone when I got back because I did all my homework. (Please forgive me, Duality. I know I've been acting curt these days. Things are strange...I'm thinking too much and trying my best not to get nervous or depressed.) On Thursday, I skipped homework to talk about deep life stuff with my roomie and I walked all over SF on Friday. I headed over to Berkeley to help with S-san and made a new friend. I felt bad that I teased the kid so much. I think he reminded me of my little brother. XD He's a genius though. *______* So smart that it's overwhelming...
Anyway, we walked around the UC Berkeley campus. Finally, I have a rough idea of things. *laughs* I also went to Oakland with them for a festival in Chinatown. There were SO many people. (I fulfilled my bishounen factor.) Some random guy told me he liked my glasses. *lol* (Oh, I put my hair up in buns this day. ^_^v) But I was more concerned with the fact that I really wanted an Initial D poster. T_T
We went karaoke and I got to eat Kitsune udon again. XD When I came back, I was really tipsy but thank god for the gelato that brought my temperature. I drank sake to keep me up to make a fic for the fic contest. I REALLY want that Loveless OST. T_____T I ended up doing a Loveless fic by 3:30 am. XD
Then, on Sunday, I went out with my other friend (who was my former student) and her good friend from Japan. We ate at the HUGE Rainforest Cafe because a random, yet nice old grandpa on the Muni suggested it. It was really fun and we relayed to the gelato shop in Chinatown, made it to the container shop, and lastly went to Metreon. When I came back, I did homework and finished around 2:30 am. ^_^

So, to say the least, I got my exercising done. *lol* But I feel a little bit better these days. I've been thinking so much that it's been bringing my mood down. And then I feel bad for all these people that talk to me and I can't really tell them, "I AM paying attention to you, but I can't keep it up because I'm not feeling well." Pushing the nightmares and some health problems aside (gosh, I hope I'm not getting sick...it's so early in the semester...), I've been trying my best to keep my outlook positive. Maybe it's my optimistic nature. It's to the point that I force myself. I can't dwell on things for too long.
Which brings me to a woman I met in Berkeley while waiting for S-san (after I got on the right train 'cause I got lost again). She told me, "Good luck with everything. Japanese is a great thing! Remember, just don't waste your time and you'll be fine." That's what got to me the most. I was truly touched. I felt like Kamisama gave me another piece of advice through someone because I'd feeling so lost to the point that I've been losing my mind along with sleep. But what I learned this weekend was that I have to just swim back to figure out who I am again. I think I felt constrained at home even though I loved the summer, but I value my freedom.
Little by little, I shall build the future. I'm a bit scared, but not too much anymore. ^__________^ I think I have a clearer view of where I'm going and whom I want to be. (In the meantime, I need to lose weight and keep calm. I can't fit into a pair of pants I love! *LOL*)
I just hope that I don't appear to be 'fake' or unfriendly though. I'm always embarrassingly shy when I'm the center of attention (like introductions in class last week *slaps hand on forehead*) and smile nervously when people compliment because I'm not used to it. I'm truly touched from the bottom of my heart. I'm just really bad at expressing how and why. Until now, deep inside, I'm still so shy. (No, I don't think it's cute when I squirm. *winces*)

song of the day: Little Crush by Kevin Johnson

I do have a dream. One where you'll cry bloody tears from the infliction, my love.
Monday, August 29, 2005 at 12:12 p.m.

WONDERFUL DAY~!
today has been awesome for far! it was SHINING ALLLLLLLLL over SF. why do I know? i taught in chinatown, shopped for school supplies, went to fisherman's wharf, walked through japantown, shopped for some groceries in clement and walked all the way back to school. total time? 4 hours. yes, you read right. you can walk all of sf in 4 hours. ^_^v (and my clothes were nice today. ^_^ i know 'cause people were reallllly nice to me. XD)
teaching was awesome today. my students are very adorable. i try my best to speak a little chinese. XD they are very good to me. i missed them after a week. i was here in school, getting used to my schedule.
and the person i missed is back~! XD <---ecstatic i wub u! ^^v
found a new song to listen to. i hope that i'll be able to get inspired to write for that fic contest...but before all this, this morning at 8:15 am, i got my yamane-sensei cards. i will look at them right now. *_____________* this has been one of the awesomest days evah~!

song of the day: runaway - susy wender

I do have a dream. One where you'll cry bloody tears from the infliction, my love.
Friday, August 26, 2005 at 06:06 p.m.

the first day of school...
IT WAS SUNNY. This morning, it was shining and even though it's late afternoon and the sun's no longer here, I'm quite happy. There was a mix up with classes, but I hope that will be taken care of or I will serious freak out.
Other than that, I'm doing pretty well. I don't know what's happening to me, but I hope that it will turn out for the best. I've got to no time to worry. I need to be understanding and move on...
No matter how many things are hurled at me, I still stand up and dare to smile at it. I really am a masochist, but I don't like negativity. ^_^

song of the day: she is by classiquai

I do have a dream. One where you'll cry bloody tears from the infliction, my love.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005 at 04:55 p.m.

*bounce bounce*
ahhh. i can stand up again. i'm grateful for such wonderful friends and family. *SMILES* you all told me to keep calm. i never knew how well taken care of i was. T_________________T *HUGGLES*



I do have a dream. One where you'll cry bloody tears from the infliction, my love.
Sunday, August 21, 2005 at 10:19 p.m.

...
All rights reserved/Copyright 2005.

someone's really testing me.
just when i thought things were getting better...things...have suddenly fallen apart. i'm leaving for a while. i can't take this. i don't know if i want to cry, not cry, jump off a building, or what, but i can't talk to anyone right now. thanks.
wow...when i said i would do anything for that one thing...it really meant 'anything'...

goodbye for now.

I do have a dream. One where you'll cry bloody tears from the infliction, my love.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005 at 09:23 p.m.

damn honey and clover.
i'm in a good mood, but made me think of things from the past. it was bittersweet because it makes me see what i'm afraid of and what i am fighting for.

all rights reserved/copyright.

For the sake of you
by miyamoto yui

I can't seem to understand that when
you suddenly disappeared and reappeared
only to part with me
with a smile and a hug,
that that was finally it.
There was really no turning back.

I keep on scraping things on the cement ground
the immaculate gray unscratched,
but my hands are bleeding with my fingernails torn through.
Hopelessly, I'm searching for that damn treasure
that I don't know if I kept it all along
or did I lose it along the way.

The endless search continues.

The past is something I hold on
while I love someone who is my future.
And yet, you are still so fresh in my thoughts,
my heart still keeps on pounding and pouring
as much the rain that comes through my eyes.
Though you hurt me unknowingly,
this feeling gets deeper,
and you are embedded there, surely.
The pain which sprung with the luck and
smiles, there you reside.

I can't seem to let go
even as the pitter-pattering of the rain goes
and I hold my breath
trying not to cry with all my strength
as the world goes round
in all my bitter confusion.

Still, I live on,
as you told me to.
And as she pushes me to.

Unable to give up either, I rise and fall.
Like my chest that cringes and I breath out hurtfully.

You are still here
and there's nothing I can do.
Relentlessly, you...

To keep holding on,
that's what you told me.
And I still do it...

*cries* For the sake of you.

I do have a dream. One where you'll cry bloody tears from the infliction, my love.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005 at 03:23 p.m.

aching but doing well.
I'm aching in every place imaginable now. In one week, I've flown up North, moved my entire set of things from Duality's to my apartment (with Duality's help - THANK YOU FOR BEING WONDERFUL), walked a lot of SF, walked more today because of groceries and going downtown again for to meet my mentor teacher, doing errands, played bowling, played Initial D, etc. *phew*
But walking today, I found my cd with 'Silent Melody' and started to sing it because even though Makoto's voice isn't that awesome, I love how his singing feels. This song really calmed me down from all this tenseness I've had for a long time. It's an unsettling uneasiness from the core of my heart, but I was able to feel my rhythm again and get back to 'myself'. *smiles* I had my brother's gloves on too. People keep on asking why or make some kind of reaction to them, but for me, it's because my brother is with me all the time and he gives me strength. Then, I thought of other things, especially about teaching. No matter what happens to me, teaching always makes me feel so happy. I really am in love with my job even though sometimes I feel unqualified, but I'm always thinking, 'how can I contribute to this field, like activities and stuff?' I want to be that cool teacher/TA like those people I looked up to. My students in the previous years have said I am. I'm happy about that.
And now, I feel comfortable again despite crying again for Honey and Clover 16 (now it's subbed, while earlier I saw the raw) and catching up with lj, especially my yaoi. ^_^v And I got to talk to Niko and Chai today. XD Nothing like my beautiful boys to complete my day.

song of the day: silent melody by lucifer

I do have a dream. One where you'll cry bloody tears from the infliction, my love.
Monday, August 15, 2005 at 08:38 p.m.

life's gotten a little harder
I've finally arrived in SF. Though it is officially my last week of vacation, I still feel I'm pushing things away. I think that for the first time in my whole life, I'm genuinely anxious about what the future will bring. At the same time, I am confident that things will turn out well as long as I work hard for it. It sounds very weird or that I'm always trying to convince myself to be this strong individual that can take very many things. I tell myself that. Self-suggestion and all that. *lol* As Duality said, even if I had to grind my fingernails and teeth on a cliff to hang on, I'd do it.
My shoulders hurt after all the stuff I packed. Got to the airport late, and because I couldn't find my ID, I had to be security searched. It was quite funny because I have no sense of decency whatsoever. I was more concerned with getting to my flight on time than a woman patting me or a man checking my bag (which I warned had been packed with a million things) with pads, garter belts...hahahaha. --;;; I told Duality, "If I were stripped to my bra and shorts, I still wouldn't be fazed. I'm awful, aren't I?" I...don't know why I feel that I can break 'rules' like that in my head. I'm truly odd.
And now, I know I have a lot of things to do and I'm 'tired' though even if the new semester hasn't started yet. I guess it's because I've been stressing in my head. I usually am not this worried about things, but I've become even more nervous than usual. I'm so tense that I get stiff necks often now. *smiles* But no matter what anyone says or does to me, of course I'm bitter and mad, but I still persist. I still believe in what I do and what I say about anything. I just wonder why, until now, I have to fight against things that I shouldn't have to get annoyed at anymore. I've grown up and I'm tired of playing a game that other people make the rules to so that it's to their advantage all the time. I still play fair because I'm just like that. I'm not questioning myself, but I'm having a hard time smiling at people without getting anxious.
And I dont' like that. If I can't be the way I am, that's not the place I want to be.
*lol* So, I'll be hanging with Duality. XD And I'm going to have fun and get back on track again!

*huggles* Man, I miss you so much, Takaba. It's driving me crazy... Wherever you are, I hope you're doing great! ^_____^

song of the day: night flight to tokyo (beatmania)

I do have a dream. One where you'll cry bloody tears from the infliction, my love.
Tuesday, August 9, 2005 at 01:33 p.m.

watched honey and clover 16 raw yesterday...
I had to go the bathroom before I'd cry. It was like looking straight at things that I knew, had gone through, but hated to see anyway. Poor Yamada seeing that Mayama really does love Rika. *sighs* And Yamada's a really nice girl, not that she's unworthy or anything like some manga set it up competition to be, but she's pretty cool. (I still wonder why Morita and T-san like that blond girl...geh.)
You know it's true. It's been said so, but you think you still can do something to change that...and then, it hits you all at once, point-blank. Love sucks...
I'm going to watch Initial D before I go see Duality. I need a picker-upper.
Love sucks.

song of the day: noizy tribe by move (i transliterated it!)

I do have a dream. One where you'll cry bloody tears from the infliction, my love.
Sunday, August 7, 2005 at 09:29 a.m.

ah, feeling a little better.
because i'm leaving la, i don't want to leave with such a bad attitude, so i'm trying hard. and now i feel bad for being so mean-spirited. i shall to make it up.
and i ended up making an fma fic that was dream-like, but strange.

song of the day - car of your dreams by dave rodgers and nuage (i REALLY like dave rodgers. he does 'spaceboy' and 'dejavu' for initial d.)

I do have a dream. One where you'll cry bloody tears from the infliction, my love.
Thursday, August 4, 2005 at 11:57 a.m.

the world sucks now. be prepared for my wrath.
just saying now that if i need to email, i will, but voluntarily talking to people, please don't try to. i'm saying this now. don't care who is who, i'm ignoring and running away right now.
let's just say that if the world fucked itself right now, i wouldn't even blink an eye. THAT'S how upset i am. i feel like this is, 'let's see how far ma/yui can be pushed' month. sorry for the inconvenience. please take no offense. i need to cool down before i chew another head off for no reason.

song of the day - in the end by linkin park (yay, the song that played in my dream. life sucks that way.)

I do have a dream. One where you'll cry bloody tears from the infliction, my love.
Wednesday, August 3, 2005 at 07:32 p.m.

you give and you get...life's ironically fair.
ah, got in contact with one of my first online friends. he's my reflection, that cool paladin of mine, yuumei!! if it weren't for him, i wouldn't have believed in coincidence.

and damn it all. i miss you right now, lovely xiangnaier. *runs fingers through bangs out of frustration* *smirks* actually, need you...

I do have a dream. One where you'll cry bloody tears from the infliction, my love.
Friday, July 29, 2005 at 01:25 a.m.

The writing slump!
*laughs* I think I've finally, truly understood what Shuichi's going through in trying to figure out what to do for lyrics. Oh, how I liken my life to TB or Gravi is starting to disturb...mm...maybe not.
Being prolific, I've ignored a lot of things that I've had to do for the past few days. Maybe it is because I really should just relax, so I ended up doing pretty much nothing. These days, I've just been sleeping, reading, and thinking up stories but not writing nothing. I've been reading nothing but Japanese literature or yaoi. It's quite funny that I've become an internet addict, which comes sporadically.
But mostly, as of this moment, I have many ideas. I have some time. I just can't seem to write anything. In trying to improve, the bar goes a little bit higher for myself. Of course, I'm quite frustrated at the fact that deviating from the stereotypes of the characters I write about are causing some conflict and confusion with readers. Sometimes, myself included. Unconsciously, I understand, but having to explain, I'm so poor at it that it's a miracle that anyone ever understand anything I write or even say aloud.
I think I've written myself in a limitation though. I'm thinking of comedies, but I really don't know how to approach humor at all. That's even a talent I envy with other student teachers because I tend to make a complete dork of myself. That's probably applicable to everything I do, pretending as if I can interact with people when I really know that I'm terrified of rejection and even more in acceptance, especially in teaching, meeting new people, and writing. I blame myself for making stupid mistakes.
And I can't seem to write anything but angst or sap. Why? Depends on the mood. I'm used to people not taking me seriously. And there are times that I should speak my mind, but I don't because I only tell what's important to people I care about. Then what's up with writing? How much more blunt do I have to be? Why do I write and why people read, isn't that related to those tidbits of 'reality'? But as with a first person voice, the limitation is that it's only mine projected on what I've learned or anticipate what the reaction would be if a particular situation presented itself. And there are only very two things I'm sure of in this world: infliction and smiling.
So when Duality posed a very interesting statement to me, I thought of it for a while: "No one gets used to pain." In this sense, I don't know. Pushing aside the fact that I think of it as pushing the farthest I can go, then it's another experience point in growth in my RPG life, taking this statement as seriously as everything told to me, I thought I was used to it.
Sure, I tell the funny, embarrassing stories of my brother biting my stomach when he was little or the time I ate peppers and have stayed away from spicy foods, but it's to color the conversation to not go towards a 'sad' direction. And now, as I type, I'm remembering a horrible amount of things: being told at the age of 4 by grandma's friends that maybe I was adopted because I didn't look Filipino, being discriminated by a teacher, told by relatives that I'm an antisocial weirdo that's so stupid, ugly, and fat that anyone who fell in love with me when I grew up must have been desparate, at age 8 being singled out by the adults because I was 'that child' that they didn't like, an acquaintance leaves me in front of my face for the popular crowd, my friend spread rumors about me because she thought we were in a competition, being scolded by my father when I actually spoke out in my defense, despised by my aunt for being born, my cousins spreading rumors, my classmates saying that I was such a showoff, when I got someone in trouble for something I vaguely remember, my high school friends dismissing me for someone unimportant to them, being told by one of my best friend's to 'fuck off' because of our differences, only having two teachers to talk to because I couldn't tell my parents how much pressure was inside my head to succeed, using grades as my only element of existence and worth, crying every single week in hs and college, told by one of my close friends that 'I don't get close to anyone because I'm afraid of being hurt', bombarding my life with things to block out the bad things, forgetting things because they were too awful to remember, being dismissed by my grandmother because she doesn't like me, got on academic probation for the first time in my life when my friend attempted suicide, my bro ran away, and I was failing classes, the years I spent trying attempt suicide, running away from my friends in college in the middle of the night, scared of going to sleep because of a scary experience, told I was a heretic, betrayed by the one friend I thought was my sister, being told I _had_ to give things in return as an exchange for 'gifts', being flamed, told my writing is crap, dumped by all the people I ever liked, told that I was heartless for a miscommunication, having extreme anxiety attacks that make me pant too much and throw up...
This is the tip of the iceberg. I could complain forever, but everyone goes through things. I'm just used to being hated or ostracized, but I hate pity so I never explain myself even if it's gravely to my disadvantage. I get scolded by Duality for it, even for being too blunt also. And these days, I only cry when I can't take it anymore. I get upset and angry so that I won't cry. I write fics and sing instead, but when that can't happen, I listen to Zetsuai. Why? Zetsuai makes me bawl everytime I see it. To be cared for in that way, it was something I thought was unworthy for someone as worthless as me. Some part of me abhors Tohru because she reminds me of how desparate I'm at times to still be polite after someone's totally disrespected me, but I can't even shout. For someone to think of me still brings me to tears. I still apologize and thank people for imposing on their time.
My expectations are too high. My perfectionist ways get me into trouble along with being too candid with issues. I know I do unreasonble things and want so much like the extreme Ryuichi, when I know I'll fall hard at one misstep. I close my eyes and still go forward. Ocassionally, I'll write with no-holds bars. Is that smart? To give everything to the point of being vulnerable? Yes, it's very stupid of me. I know that for a fact without anyone having to tell me.
And yet, I'm still a lucky person when I think about everything else, focusing on the good things.

But why still do the things I do? I plan my life, but I'm always unprepared for the emotional impact. There are still days that I break down and cry while walking down the street.
I know what's to come, or rather, I can predict scenarios. I've strategized all my life, depending on the variables within my vicinity. But despite all this, I'm frustrated that I'm such a weak person. I still need to ask for hugs and ask for advice when I'm in a panic. I freak out and run away when someone pays attention to me. There's still the stoic Tezuka in me that's still reserved in front of the person I like or that I keep my innermost thoughts inside of me because there's no one to ask but myself and my pride.

Deep inside, I still convince myself that things don't hurt And when they do, I'm extremely angry because despite everything, I loved it too much. And still do. Sometimes I dislike myself because of this single trait of being unable to let go, of being left behind all over again.

So, I'm struggling to write because I can't find the words. Loving something more without depreciating its preciousness, only that I liked something else much more...carrying all of this as if it's the easiest thing in the world. That's the root of my stupidity: I keep believing something will eventually be mine and mine alone.

Just like in Junjyou Romantica, I never really asked for something badly as when I did one thing. And if it meant to go through all these bad things again, having my heart and soul bloodied by my own hands and slicing it into many pieces while giving it to someone knowing that they're going to throw it away...
I'd still do it.

I won't be selfish to ask for more because I'm shaping the one thing I really wanted after carrying this unrecognizable, ransacked 'heart'. I'd do anything for this one thing. Anything.

Even if I might eventually lose it and will be a walking corpse for the rest of my life, I'd regret no having that one thing. It's not a need, but a want that turned into a 'need'. Maybe I'm chasing for something impossible, but I want it so badly, almost suffocating it. Almost wanting to be abused due to the irrationality of my blindness.

For this one dream, I can't live or die without having touched it.

song of the day: must be dreaming by frou frou

I do have a dream. One where you'll cry bloody tears from the infliction, my love.
Thursday, July 28, 2005 at 10:02 p.m.

job ap 1 - kindergartners in Japan.
Clear. I've made it to the interviewing stage, but there is currently no opening. At least my nerves are not on end for this anymore. I put off the lesson plans (which were part of the process) for a few days to think of ideas. I'm so honored that the coordinator enjoyed them. If I could teach English to kindergartners and in Japan...two of my lifelong dreams would be fulfilled.
Now, I'm not so scared to apply. Despite my inexperience with teaching...I've done lots of prepping, but a course to myself? It's scary. * winces * But onward, I trudge!

song of the day: Honey and Clover OT

I do have a dream. One where you'll cry bloody tears from the infliction, my love.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005 at 12:26 p.m.

And life's just dandy.
Yes, I admit that I've been moody, but this was one of those 'I'm so hyper today' kind of days. I don't know why, but I got a sense of great relief after saying some things on lj and talking to friends. And today, I feel like my life has gotten a bit easier to understand. Studying to drive, calling for a constitution class, talking to a professor, and whatever I did last week really resolved a lot of issues. And now, to the bigger stuff that will be a little harder. *winces* But, I'd have to say that as much as I say I didn't do anything this summer, I think maybe I'll admit I did a little. (I just owe fics because I promised...)
Just came back from talking to a close friend. I've missed her for some time, but it was great to get in touch. Talking things out and catching up, I realized that I have begun to see perspectives to things I couldn't have thought of years ago. I've begun to understand that the root of my current pondering is not the fact that I don't know what to do, it's the stages I've wanted them fall under. Or rather, the prescribed order that I egotistically want them to be, but life can't work out that way.
Maybe I aim too high and it seems idealistic. Maybe I'm too naive to think so optimistically. Most of all, maybe it's irrational to do whatever I feel like. (For example, it's like being too honest. It's good to be truthful and tactful at the same time, but sometimes, it feels like I'm imposing my feelings when I don't mean to.) But I'd rather live trying at what I couldn't have than to be satisfied with something that I don't really want. It would irritate me. I'm a brat that just wants the best I can possibly aim for and get.
I guess I just truly reaffirmed that the things I want aren't easily seen and have yet to be discovered, like wishes. And if I'm ever going to find them, I've to be able to accept and give many things.

It's not about catching priorities anymore. Now, it's all about being to stick with decisions and being determined to fulfill them to their fullest extent.

song of the day: noizy tribe by move

I do have a dream. One where you'll cry bloody tears from the infliction, my love.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005 at 02:06 a.m.

thanks again, sweetie!
I really like Angel Sanctuary and so I'm happy for this layout. XD (I would so wear that outfit! XD) THANK YOU, SWEETIE!!!!!

*squee!*

and now, I'm going back to SoCal heat. i'm dying from the humidity. *winces*

I do have a dream. One where you'll cry bloody tears from the infliction, my love.
Saturday, July 23, 2005 at 03:29 p.m.