as shuichi says...
"and so, my crazy dream continues." i always say this when i feel that i want to achieve something that i don't fully understand, and yet my heart tells me i should believe. at this time, i feel that even though i've established some things, i'm still failing or disappointing people. even though i understand that i cannot make everyone happy all at the same time, i don't know why i am either annoyed and/or extremely saddened by this reality, when i know these are the way things are, no matter much you may try to protest or work against it.
but watching all of angel sanctuary (after watching ova 1 raw when it came out when i was a soph in college, about 4 years ago) this time 'round, i have always been fond of setsuna even though he is a baka at certain times. but i liked what the whole triple ova set had to show me. i laughed, i held my breath, and i cried in less than 2 hours. of course, this is the type of thing i like seeing because it opens my mind about certain perspectives on life.
but above everything that made me so full of ideas for my manuscript, i got an answer that i had been searching for. and that answer was something like this: it takes someone very strong to go against the system that others have imposed. and so you have to recreate it within your own hands even though it seems crazy. others may not understand. you may not either.
though i've stated this before, i don't think this lesson hit me as much as it did yesterday. i've been doubting somewhat about the optimism that i have and the ideals that i've established in my life. many things and people have made me question about the integrity of others and their intentions. and i feel nothing but pity and anger at the frustration of these turn of events. but it's true, i may be fighting for something that i don't yet realize or understand about myself, but i know that there is a purpose. i must believe in myself and the small goodness that i believe exists in each person in this world. it is not easy. as with religion and other things, it's easier to dismiss them. i know they are man-made things. a long time ago, a real fanatic gave me the time of day, but he was very attentive to what i had to say, intrigued that even though i was only 19 years old, i was very perceptive of the world. i was happy about that and we talked about religion, a subject that i rarely discuss with others, out of respect to them and their ideals and opinions. however, what i mean is that, for me, it is easier to say that there is nothing really guiding us because it's easier to say that all religions are corrupt, especially with all the deaths in the world because of it. it is easier to say that god(s) save your soul when you have done wrong when you don't push for the effort to become your best. yes, i know that. and as i type this, it is difficult for me to give my opinion, but i am, for once in my life. i have believed in these things because i was faced with death in body and soul. i know i've poisoned myself at certain times with anger and so that is why i can't truly say i'm as good a person as some people would like to protest to tell me i am. but what i am trying to say that it is harder to believe in people and things that one doesn't understand. i may taking the harder path, but it has shown me many things that i don't take for granted and have been blessed to take as my own or to have seen in this lifetime.
i guess my crazy dream is to burst out of all the mean words and prove some people wrong that the world isn't about money or competition. to me, i've found, it's about trying to live every day without a regret. to be able to become even more deep and forgiving, seeing past all the anger and jealousies that cause people to act accordingly. i want to keep my innocence and yet grow into an adult that even though i know i can't have everything, i tried to. i tried everything to get to that ideal of the world and myself that i've kept inside of me.
i just want to keep being passionate, loving, and affection even though it seems childish. i just want to keep achieving my goals even though that means giving up many other things and people who don't want to understand.
i've to learn to be more patient and understanding about people and things.

i guess that was how i found myself writing a fic on subaru last night/this morning. this one is about the difference between kindness and selfishness. i like it because even though it shows subaru's self-doubt, he is questioning about how he approaches people and the way he has perceived himself inside of his head.

song of the day: pieces by l'arc

I've temporarily come out into the light to amuse myself. And now, I'm returning to the darkness within...
Wednesday, July 28, 2004 at 05:29 p.m.

niji
things don't make much sense
and i wonder if i'll ever truly understand
i'm silent when it comes to these things
i'm beginning to hate 'love' and 'hope'
in the same sentence.

it's something that makes deeper roots in my broken heart
and yet i can still find something good through all the crap...
i'm just psycho like that.
why long for something that doesn't come true?
and yet, it is the root of your unspoken dreams?

these days, i've been making a lot of fics. many have to do with memories and just mostly reflective pieces that deal with complicated feelings. like now, i wrote about satsuki and how she feels about the 'surface world', or itachi and how he keeps sasuke alive. i even wrote about hisoka saying he's grateful for his power to touch people. now, i finished a fic on hyde-sama and a dream-like setting about being an angel that turned human. and how he wanted to learn how to fly again. and he did, through his broken heart and his songs. or at least, that's how i appreciate him.
i love hyde-sama and l'arc, 'cause they don't make straight-forward songs. they're complicated. even if they don't sound the same, the lyrics still have a lot of impact to them. the lyrics and songs always tell about how society is or about a long-lost love, a twisted love that can't be truly described, but an unbearable feeling that must be endured. feelings of protest, happiness, love, sorrow, etc. are not barred to be parallels to their contrasting opposites. That's what I find so wonderful. Then again, I love complicated things that challenge me. I'm just a weirdo 'cause I still am human enough to get scared even though I don't act like it. But I guess I'm always struggling with the fact that I want to always be a better person. i'm just wondering why i feel so miserable right now. something's not right...and prolly that's why i'm on a writer's block...but oh, i'll figure it out. that's just how i am. ^^v



I've temporarily come out into the light to amuse myself. And now, I'm returning to the darkness within...
Tuesday, July 27, 2004 at 03:43 a.m.

ii yume
a quiet, but peaceful day. okee, so i shouted at people when i was learning how to drive, but other than that, it's been a cool day. i think i'll make another fic today (7th one in 2 days).
i woke up wonderfully. i had a very good dream. ^_____^ *smiles* one after a long time...

song of the day: hello by hyde

I've temporarily come out into the light to amuse myself. And now, I'm returning to the darkness within...
Sunday, July 25, 2004 at 07:57 p.m.

heh

Which Hyde are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

*sighs* dammit all...
*laments* ;_; I miss Neko-sama and Bianca-sama...They are two of my favorite writers ever.

I've temporarily come out into the light to amuse myself. And now, I'm returning to the darkness within...
Saturday, July 24, 2004 at 11:49 a.m.

The song of the day: Black out by Overload
"Feel the
BLACK OUT BLACK OUT (2x)

BLACK OUT BLACK OUT BLACK OUT

Every night I keep on
Burning warning
Turning off the lights you
Turn me on

You can be what you wanna be
If you follow your heart
You can do what you wanna do
In the dark of the light

Feel the
BLACK OUT BLACK OUT
And you' re free to get moving
Free to get crazy
BLACK OUT BLACK OUT
Know you got to get ready
Move on baby
BLACK OUT OUT BLACK OUT
And you're free to get moving
Free to get crazy
BLACK OUT BLACK OUT
Free the heat of the night

Let me be your love and
Hold me, feel me
Let the music be your
Only guide..."


I put this song on repeat whenever I play Initial D. It's a funny thing because no other song gets my adrenaline running while playing, especially while doing the downhill with Ryousuke. I'm not biased, but Akagi's a very fun course to play. I'm proud to say I've not lost it and beat everyone except Bunta. ^^;;
it is a strange thing to lament about, but fanfics are not coming to me at all. i thought it was half gone. i really did. and i've been experimenting with different fandoms this summer. here's a list of all the fandoms i've attempted this summer: fruits basket, x, tokyo babylon, gravitation, full metal alchemist, clover, midori no hibi, peacemaker kurogane, gouhou drug, xxxholic, tennis no oujisama, inuyasha, card captor sakura, hikaru no go, tsubasa, hana yori dango, mirage of blaze, suki dakara suki, initial d, love mode, and naruto. (yes, i've been converted to the itachi x sasuke pairing. ^^;;;;;;;;;;;; though i've always liked sasuke a lot. love at first sight.) and yet, i feel like i didn't do enough. i haven't really done anything for the summer and it makes me sad. i've been quite unproductive, though i shouldn't say that if i read and at least attempt a fanfic everyday. but my lack of motivation due to the upcoming pandemonium of school approaching is giving some anxiety.
i know very well that i'm a perfectionist, but at this point, i feel like i'm somewhat useless. but then again, i cannot say that. that is unfair of me because what keeps me going are the people that write to me, my friends, both close and readers. i will continue to find something to write and give my perspective on this world i love with all my heart, yet feel crucified by at the same time. i just want to write stories for the rest of my life...
one thing that has made me happy throughout my inner ordeal is that i know there is someone somewhere in this world that is learning something, comforted, and/or feeling something through the stories i have to say.
a long time, and even until now, as affectionate as i am, i still find myself an emotional stoic at certain times and it is still extremely hard for me to say what i truly feel or think about someone or something. i'm too honest about whatever i'm thinking, but actually expressing it is a totally different matter.

which makes me think why i'm happy, english version that it is, that this is ryousuke's theme. i really, truly am in love with those three characters, keisuke, ryousuke, and takumi. ryousuke just makes me lose all sense of time and whatnot whenever i watch him. i watch initial d everyday to just get a glimpse of the three. ^^;;; god, i LOVE takumi. this is the first time that i've ever thought about an anime character and said, 'yeah, THAT. i want to marry HIM.' my brother says, 'the kid's just out of high school'. yui: ;_; 'well, if you calculate this from 1996, then, it isn't so bad.' brother: 'ate, anime character's don't really age.' yui: 'but i WANT him.' ;_;

I've temporarily come out into the light to amuse myself. And now, I'm returning to the darkness within...
Friday, July 23, 2004 at 10:35 p.m.

woohoo. sasuke!

Uchiha Sasuke

Which Naruto character are you?! ((With pictures!))
brought to you by Quizilla

I've temporarily come out into the light to amuse myself. And now, I'm returning to the darkness within...
Thursday, July 22, 2004 at 11:46 p.m.

i have sore fingers...
INITIAL D'S SO ADDICTING! Damn game has had me playing for about half a day (total hours)! I am at the fourth level next to the last stage. (Yes, that includes also double battling most of the characters.) I have had most fun on the Akagi and Irohazaka courses. Playing with Ryousuke, Keisuke and Takumi was fun! Now, see if I can finish that damn game so that I can finally write fics...I couldn't just leave the game without trying my best to master something. ;_;
And at the arcade I got the rare Mako and Sayuki card. ^_^v

Then again, okee, I am guilty of playing the game because I can't get enough of the loading screens with keisuke, ryousuke, and ESPECIALLY takumi! *_* Takumi is so cute. *_* I have to say his best features are his lips and smile. *lol* (Nope, as closet hen as I am, I've not thought of anything bad with those lips and not with Ryousuke. I swear!) Plus, he dresses way better (as I said to my bro) when season 2 started. (Only he and Ryou can pull off pink blouses. *_* Trust me when I say I abhor the color pink...) Takumi~! *smirk* *smirks again* Okee, I better stop oogling over him, but he's so...so...adorkable! I guess I like him for the fact that he's kind of dumb (the 'human' aspect of him) and does things for the right reasons (like fighting for his friends). I admire this about him.

song of the day: blackout (english version)

I've temporarily come out into the light to amuse myself. And now, I'm returning to the darkness within...
Thursday, July 22, 2004 at 12:05 a.m.

akira
i kept on playing with the strings of my guitar,
but like piano strings,
they cut into my fingertips until i felt
myself bleeding away in red-shaped teardrops.

there was nothing to stop this anger building,
there was nothing to stop me from crying
to God that i can't stand the atrocities.
have i become hard-hearted?
have i become the emotional stoic to keep the strings of myself from thinning out and snapping?

i am still upset when they say her name to me.
i am still hurt and angry when i hear stories spread and find that they are about me.
and yet, they have the gall to say they are righteousness incarnate.
not to me, baby, i draw the line.

between the stinging of salt, water, and blood among my open-flesh fingers,
i try my best to understand this world i love and dislike at the same time.
i find myself unable to cry sometimes,
'cause the weight isn't enough.
i'm not searching for a purpose,
i'm just trying not to lose the way i've paved for myself.

but tell me why can't you at least respect me for being a human being?
why do i have to understand and be compassionate,
but why am i the one that can also hurt someone once i've snapped (when provoked).
that's why i can't see myself as 'good' yet.
i want to learn some of the whys, hows, etc.,
because i was taught to love and not to hate.
i don't want to change myself just because
egocentric and selfish people want me to become like them. i'd rather eat my soul alive
than to give into the fact that i am no longer myself,
whomever that is.


my first job was to work as a receptionist at a convent. and yes, i was studying to learn to become a nun. then, i found out that that wasn't for me...and many dreams have come and gone too. things that i didn't expect and things also that i couldn't have. things that i was able to keep too. but i guess, as confused and frustrated as i am, i like myself and able to assert this fact now. i can say now that i am becoming the person i wanted to be.
i am very idealistic, but there is no one who can tell me that i didn't live the way i wanted. and that i didn't act any less than 'myself'. i guess that's why i'm very in love with winnie the pooh, bitch goddess, nikoniko, darling, and adri. i do nothing but grow. (but whenever i think of adri, i always have this one thought in mind, 'i can do anything.' she always makes me feel like writing all my angsty perspectives on the world all these years were worth coming to the point of meeting her, as well as all my other friends, readers, and fans. "Kimi ga otoshita kiseki de..."/You are the miracle that fell...) But of course, if it weren't for that one person, i wouldn't be breathing here and telling you that life, love, and the world is cruel, hopeful, and wonderful all at the same time.

I've temporarily come out into the light to amuse myself. And now, I'm returning to the darkness within...
Wednesday, July 21, 2004 at 01:36 p.m.

baby, this is your ecstacy.
a whirlwind happened and many things happened in a flash even though i've been awake for most of it, both literarlly and figuratively speaking. and i found myself saying that it was so hard to keep being mad and upset rather than forgiving someone. well, at least for me. many things have made me question my patience with people because sometimes i can't believe how awful some people can be. i am no exception to this, i know, but i know that i know much better than to act on ill intentions.
at this point, i'm almost done with the writer's block. i have some ideas during my 'idleness'. these days, i've been a bit tired, but i've been going over LA. and, i've played with initial d until my fingers hurt (and still going for more) 'cause i can't stop looking at takumi (yes, i'm a takumi junkie, i've thought of no other bish except tb ones for the whole weekend) or want to just kiss keisuke's car. @_@ so beautiful! * winces * at least i've toned down since the time that i was really into racing. *_* dude, but if i ever found that BEAUTIFUL car, i know i would kiss it.
speaking of kissing, i found the other half of my keychain~! I bought an animal fuji mini keychain~! *_* now tezuka has his pair and i'm happy. my best friends kept on looking at me funny but they knew that was typical me.

ah, love mode. it's like gravi in the sense that i do nothing but read it over and over and over... naoya and aoe-san...in fact i love every couple, but they are my favorite. though, as optimistic as i am, it may be my bittersweet feelings towards love, but i find myself more and more apathetic towards this subject. ^^;;;;; i guess i'm used to being looked at as a 'guy' or 'tomboy', that when someone treats me like a 'girl' and not their sister, friend or other, i feel happy but strange at the same time. but that's weird 'cause i _feel_ androgynous and i act this way towards people. ack, nothing's making sense. well, anyway, what i mean is that i might as well say 'loving someone' (as a significant other, nothing parental, between friends, etc.) is something i believe in, but can't see it for myself. ^^;;;; (I still think i'm too much of a weirdo.) why am i talking about this? it's something that ran through my head over the weekend 'cause of love mode. whether it's between naoya and aoe, naoe and takaya, subaru and seishirou, akira and hikaru, akito and hatori, iason and riki, okita and hijikata, ryuichi and tatsuha, tezuka and fuji, and ryousuke and takumi, i like the intenseness. it's not passion, but the way they are truly into one another, whether sadistically or tenderly. i guess i'm more satisfied in the fact that i'm lucky to have friends that i would do anything for and they would do anything for me, so finding someone doesn't interest me unless they can even parallel that type of affection. *laughs* --; i'll marry takumi! *LOL* i like my anime boys just fine. (yes, this is an embarrassing subject that i don't like discussing with people except through fics, but it was bugging me.) 'cause in the end, i'm strong and i fight for everything. but this is one thing i'm a coward about.
as for fanfics, ^_____________________^v i've some things up my sleeve, but i hope they come out well. ah, i love writing. my passion in life and gives my confused life some sort of directions. and readers always amaze me by how cute they can be. last week, i got a drawing of ryuichi and tatsuha. *_* * winces * ah, i love being a fanfic writer. now, onto writing more 'cause i'm back from my mini vacation...well, after playing initial d and falling in love with the takahashi brothers and takumi...

song of the day: dogfight (again)

I've temporarily come out into the light to amuse myself. And now, I'm returning to the darkness within...
Wednesday, July 21, 2004 at 01:04 p.m.

initial d
true that i've been an addict, watching all the seasons over a total of 3-4 days. i like it very much and takumi has really grown on me. of course, i'm immersed with the trio (takumi, keisuke, and ryosuke). *laughs* ryosuke is the type i like, but it's funny 'cause he reminds me of the giddy feeling i get whenever i watch touya or syaoran. it's that type of feeling in which i have no idea whatsoever why i like them so much, but i feel happy and warm inside. keisuke's the type i've had crushes on since i was a teen. cool guy, but nicer to look at. takumi...i like him a LOT. all these guys are cool and i can't help but be sucked in by their voices (miki-sama, seki-sama, and koyasu-sama!!) and the way they conduct themselves. i guess i'm attracted to people who know where they want to go in life. or rather, to put it more clearly, who have some sort of passion in life. some more than others, but on the most part, i find most enjoyment in life when i engage in a conversation about hearing what other people love.

ack, the drought has been worse. i am at a loss as to what to write. ;_; i don't know if i've lost it or something, but i've lost something. i think i will regain whatever it is, but my inner sense of confusion and frustration is quite consuming.
but i will try my best to write as much as i can. i don't want to give a half-assed fic. that just a'int my style. despite my lack of proofreading skills, i don't think my writing should lack the emotional impact it needs to get through to a reader. on a similar note, i was reading about a small post about the lack of good gravi fics in the fandom. i must say that that is true because i too have ranted out this with some of my friends, but when you find someone really REALLY good like that one girl who did the touma x suguru fic *drool 'cause she's a fan of this author* then it makes up for some the lack. please don't misunderstand me and think that i'm promoting, 'cause that isn't my style, won't ever cross my mind, and i still think that i have much to learn. i'm just saying that gravi is relatively new, but once you find certain authors, they are AWESOME. i just wish the ones i loved would write more often. ;_;

but on a happy note, i'm glad to see move has gone up several tiers in their style. very good variety. i especially was captured by their new song 'dogfight', which i am now listening to.
i also passed my written driving exam and my certification tests (CBEST, a test needed for CA teachers, which is comprised of reading, writing, and math). *phew* i don't have to pay extra for a couple of years. ^^;;;;

in general, life is okay, but distressing. i think too much and though this is good in life planning, it is quite stressful. i am always frustrated when people have this air about them telling _me_ how childish i am. *shakes head* oh well, i am an adult when the need arises, but other than that, i will resort to acting like a child 'cause if i was too serious (as i was years ago), i would be much too rigid and cynical by now. (Almost became that way...and passionless too. *shudder*) * winces* nope, nope. i have the ryuichi mentality of 'pika, pika' power. gotta think big and keep on shining. 'sides, i've got better things to do than listening to bickering people in their little 'kingdom'. my aim is to conquer the world and make it remember me! *smiles widely* ^__^v

song of the day: dogfight by move

I've temporarily come out into the light to amuse myself. And now, I'm returning to the darkness within...
Thursday, July 15, 2004 at 09:24 a.m.

Sites I buy from (and promoting!):

[x]Anime Link - cels

Friends I love and stalk

[x]My Sweetie (and totally obsessed after) Adri
[x]Melli-chan!
[x]My Jehjeh Wolfye
[x]wonderfully twisted MD
[x]Kawaii Len
[x]Sweet Mali-chan
[x]Yumei-san
[x]Cocoa-san [x]Kamitra-san
[x]Mara-chan (fellow lover of ^_^ chisai Subaru and teenage Seishirou)
[x]Mikomi-chan