no! not the 7 sec. preview!
gokusen 9 has: 1) a super hot, bleach haired guy with sunglasses and...2) kumiko in a cheerleader outfit! T______T *blink, blink* first second of this preview shows her stomach and i don't know when this is going to be subtitled?!?! i would rent this from a shop if i had a vcr right now. *le sigh*

this week, i made a naruto fic and another viewfinder fic. both are quite psychotic. sasuke's twisted and loves his posessive brother while takaba's taken in by the idea of asami's possession over him. hey, i made a convincing case for both of them...to possess or be possessed...i don't know which prospect is more delightful for me. so, we make fanfics to experiment! XD but i guess, knowing myself, i need extremes of both or i won't be happy. damn you asami the sex god! why am i so obsessed with trying to find the manga now?!

*thoughts go back to kumiko* boy, can that girl shout. i, uh, need to wash my face in cold, cold water or get soaked by the rain. NOW.

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Sunday, March 27, 2005 at 04:29 p.m.

gokusen 8
yeah, i know~! it's not even at the best part of the episode...
yeah, i'm really emotional in general...
and yeah, i always cry whenever i watch the gokusen drama...

damn it, why am i such a child lover?? *bursts out in tears* i see a kid cry or pout or frown and i'm mush. (what more when they smile and it isn't even at me?) *sighs* god, i really love kids...*snuggle* but i don't know if i'd ever be a good parent though. i'm overprotective and extremely moody. all my life, people told me i'd be all right, but i think trying to become a kindergarten teacher is enough for me.
i just want to keep my child self and have fun with other little kids like me. XD that's why i wonder about some people i know who didn't want children because they're too much time, effort, and especially draining on the wallet. i wonder if they'll ever know the joy of having someone hug you just is.
i always remembered what washu said, 'if this is how adults are going to be, i don't want to ever grow up!' and it's true. because we learn things, we lose and gain at the same time. but at honing and zoning down into a specific thing we want from people, we forget about love and care without specifications, expectations, and with conditions. or at least, this is what i've learned. maybe it's harder to love everything and accept what you don't want to know or need. but it's more enriching, don't you think?
so this is part of the reason why i love children and naively continue to love like one.

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Sunday, March 27, 2005 at 03:21 p.m.

i'm back sf!
i came back yesterday and settling down in order to get back to business. before i do that, i must watch awesome kumiko. (yes, when she gets in her 'i'm gonna kick your ass' shouting session, she's so...@_@ *winces* cool~! i wanna be that cool too~! *chibi voice*)

but i wanted to say happy easter to everyone! i hope you're having a wonderful day!
life and love are truly awesome, powerful entities that can break and strengthen a person. and even if it's raining right now, nothing can convince me that life is just something to get through.
yeah, it's no longer a survival game. finally, i can look at it and feel that there isn't enough time for me to experience everything i want. and so, i have to be very careful of what i chose and whom i want to experience these things with each and every day.
pushing all profound thoughts aside, i need more chocolate. the endless craving for anti-oxidents in its sweetest form! XD who will be so kind to give me candy? (speaking of, still looking for a copy of passion...i hope it is worth all my agony over it. *WINCE*)

song of the day: me singing 'deja vu' and 'i can't go for that'. ^_~ "easy, ready, willing, over time..."

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Sunday, March 27, 2005 at 02:57 p.m.

oh? is that so?

You are a nature loving anime girl.You love all
types of animals and care for them.You are a
calm person and loves to have people around.You
love to be outside just admiring your
surroundings and playing with the animals that
are around.Now just if you keep loving the
nature pretty soon everyone is going to copy
you maybe i'm really not sure.But do what you
do best and it will soon pay off ^_^

If You Were An Anime Character What Would You Look Like?(Girls Only)
brought to you by Quizilla

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Thursday, March 24, 2005 at 09:33 p.m.

The continuing inconsistency.
It was very fun being able to visit one of my best friends (Nikoniko/THE Nick!) As always, we ended up talking for hours and in between the smut viewing, teasing, and catching up, I always go through this 'AHA~!' moment which is very comforting. I always come to this point that I will think in my head, "This is why we are best friends. This is why I think she is beautiful." And I will stare at her while she is talking to me, blurry as my vision is at 5 or 6 am in the morning. I don't know why, but there's that amount of trust and strong friendship that we carry for one another that it seems so inconceivable that time passes in big lapses from one visit until the next.
But one moment that made me stop and think was that I usually would have shouted, "I love you Niko!" as she went to work, but I couldn't do it. As affectionate as I am, that reserved part of me eventually takes over at the most important times in my life. I am irritated and touched at the same time. (I'm so sorry to be moody with my mother this week...but I missed her a lot...and it's hard for me to convey my feelings.) I couldn't really say anything because it was significant. I wanted to also say to my friend Ann-chan, 'AH~! It was so fun~! I was just happy being next to you.' Or Shirong-sama, 'You are truly someone I've admired. I think you have one of the most aesthetically pleasing faces I've ever encountered in my life and you're so cool that it'll sound dumb for to say how awesome I've always thought you are.'
I'm still like Yuki Eiri or any stern-hearted seme in the sense that it's hard for me to convey my feelings into words because they're beyond words. And yet, for me to show my true, deep, heart-felt feelings is just as daunting because as honest as I am, when I'm the most serious, there's this tension, so I just end up hugging someone instead of doing anything else, hoping that my feelings carry through. And then, when I talk online, I'm as genki as I usually am, but it's easier for me to articulate what I want to say because I've had time to think about it.
I laugh at myself for this because it is myself and not myself at the same time. I would think that if I felt the most about something, then I would be able to do something about it, but I've learned that that isn't the case. The extreme feelings I carry never come out right or at all. They're so deep within that the only way for me to vent it is to write a story or a poem, which ends up explaining exactly what I meant to say.

*laughs* After all these years, I'm still as reserved and as moody as ever. When I'm happy, I'm quiet, I've learned. And I now understand why I sleep so much when I'm with Duality, Niko, or at home. I'm so peaceful that it's easy for me to sleep, even if it is hard to say 'I can't stay up because I like being here and with you'. Hahaha...this explains why I think my brother's bed is the best place to take a nap in. I have the best dreams there.

As much homework as I have or all the hardships that I face or the mental torture I put myself through, right now, I will say I'm the luckiest person in the world.

song of the day: Garbage's Push It.

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Thursday, March 24, 2005 at 09:01 p.m.

Did I really attempt a Viewfinder fic with Asami's POV?
From the entry in my lj, I have proof of its existence. However, due to the haziness of my mind after making translations (and being caught at 6am for still being on the computer when it's my Spring Break for SLEEP), I honestly thought I had been hallucinating and only made the fic in a dream. After all, yesterday was SO cool because I had a dream about Edward and most of the cast of FMA!!! EDWARD. EDWARD! XD *blink, blink* I wanna go back to my dream and hug him all over again! (OH, so many boys and girls, and so little time to do-er, gaze at them.)

But going back to Asami, I don't know what possessed me to do such a thing (maybe the requests by two people, Adri and another member of the Yamane-sensei lj community), but I seem to do well on sudden-inspiration fics. Well, my fantasy of a business guy seme certainly was fulfilled here. Well, one part of my fantasy. ^_~ Himitchu~! XD But seriously, he was very hard and I like the Takaba one a little better because it was easier to do his POV. But I love this as well because it was challenging to make Asami serious and sweet at the time without making him too condescending or weak. I put some other perspectives in there such as his want to leave, but unable to see how he's perpetuating the system out of obligation and personal endeavors such as Takaba himself. It was an interesting venture when I wasn't so sane or awake to do it. *laughs* I had a lot of fun though. I really hope readers enjoyed it as well.

song of the day: we'll see heaven (from Initial D)

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Tuesday, March 22, 2005 at 11:07 a.m.

ah, yes. I remembered my other thought.
Amusing as this may seem, I like being a slave for someone who will help me grow in any way. I will follow that person to use me in whatever way as long as I feel it is just, helpful, entertaining, and beneficial to my growth.

Therefore, my strong-willed nature easily falls for those who are stubborn and can kick ass in intelligence and strength. In other words, if you are stronger than me in the right way, I instantly fall in love. XD
T___________T While reading the constitution, I read something about 'indentured servitude' no longer being upheld in the US and I mumbled to myself without consciously thinking about it. I remarked, "Well, tell that to Duality. The bitch goddess certainly won't believe you."

Slave. I'm a masochist, but if I can learn, I'll take any kind of pain to get what I want.

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Tuesday, March 22, 2005 at 02:37 a.m.

that part...well, we don't talk about it.
I saw, watched, and observed many things today. I'd like to talk about all of them, but one issue made me drop my jaw in Borders as I listened to 'White Light' on my brother's Japanese PSP and read a commentary about sex offenders with closed captioned subtitles. It was broadcasted, mind you.
It said that people who do things like that have a distorted vision about their roles with children and such. They also said that parents should teach children about saying 'no' and such or prevent situations like teenage male babysitters with young girls.

I was utterly appalled.

Of course, there are exceptions to every rule and I could take this from a million angles. (All these things ran through my head.) But what makes people think that it's just guys? What makes people think that all children think like kids these days? (More 'children' know more than me in subjects of that nature and I'm turning 25, damn it!) What makes people think that people who are attracted to slightly younger people make them _automatically_ sick, perverted, and twisted? Yes, I admit I have enjoyed characters like that. And I haven't ever claimed to be sane because of my radical or critical views on a lot of things that I have inside my head, but never say to anyone else because _I know_ how people think. When you've been shut up since you were 4, you observe people consciously and unconsciously. And yet, I still give the benefit of the doubt. It's only when I feel that the aura isn't good or that someone has offended me 3 times with disrespect to my person do I protest (though late).
What I am very disgusted about is that it's all right to give these stereotypes and blame the parents or things of that nature. Everyone grows differently. There is, of course, a pattern to everything, but *shakes head* what right does ANYONE have to say that something is automatically wrong, immoral, or whatever when you haven't heard both sides?!?! (That is one thing that has pissed me off for ages in family politics or class suck ups.) _I_ have a warped sense of the world, but those truly kind people have not _ever_ told me I was careless, without tact, uncompassionate, or a sicko with no morals. I've been told these things by lowlifes, but not intelligent, loving people.
So, that's why I was offended. I've seen someone have a wonderful relationship with someone 2x her age. I've seen people so happy even though they're how many years apart, whether hetero, homo, or whatever label you'd like to call it. But it was love.
I guess I don't understand things as they are in this world.
For me, people seek love, care, faith, and affection. Whether in a 'healthy or unhealthy' way, people reach out for these things in many ways, both consciously and unconsciously. In a gentle or violent manner, it stems in some way to capture something that's been missing, which is basic to everyone, whether or not you'd like to admit it.
Maybe I am an optimist, but 'shouganai!' I like what I like! And that's all you have to know!

On a unserious tone, I read Sanctuary. GOOD. I have to read more. I read Alice 19th. It is quite interesting, but I hope it doesn't end up typical Watase. ;_; I read W Juliet. I LOVE. I watched all of FLCL. Messed up Haruko. Messed up in general. I'M IN LOVE. And Naota's a cutie. Don't care if he's in elementary school. He's mature.

I commented to my brother, "Rui, you, and bishounen have ruined me for rl guys."
Bro: "Huh? Why?"
Me: "You and Rui are the coolest guys on the planet to me. T_____T How can I ever find some guy who's cooler?! This is your fault!"
Bro: Heh. *smirk*
Me: You're evil.
Bro: I know. ^___________^

And what did I wear today? A tight, black shirt that says "It's all about me." I don't wear printed shirts. My brother said I should have worn his "I'm looking for a Japanese girlfriend" shirt so that my belly button wouldn't show. I laughed and commented that if it said 'Chinese', it'd be a more amusing shirt to me. ^___________^ (Eh. Pretty, foreign boys or girls totally rock my white schoolgirl socks. Maybe my bro's friend is right. I _have_ been in SF for too long. Me? Not long enough!)

song of the day: sukisyo's 'just a survivor'

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Monday, March 21, 2005 at 11:18 p.m.

oh wow, i'm back LA~!
Once more, I've come back to the place of my birth for Spring Break. Regardless of the rest of the month and just focusing on this week alone, I've gone to sleep at 4am almost everyday doing homework or other. Yesterday, I was partying though. It was so fun to go out with S-san and her husband. It was because I wanted to try this new Japanese restaurant and it was expensive. Some things were good, but I still prefer Isobune in Nihonmachi. However, Crane Sushi in Alhambra, CA still holds the sushi I love best. ^_____^ We found my favorite sake! (I only drink that, Kahlua, and plum wine.) So of course, when you get me on my sake kick, I lay down the shots with a "Mou ippai~!" *laughs* (I only drink with them anyway or Duality when we feel like it.) And then you have this tipsy hyper kid going to karaoke. It was so fun~! XD I sang 'Go' from Naruto. I kept on laughing because it's such a fun song! (Yui and Japanese rap...the fastest I've done is Ayu's Naturally. Yui is amusing too when she attempts 1/2 from Kenshin. But I kept finding myself singing Utada songs. Distance original mix is slow for me because I'm used to hearing the remix and only heard the original once ever.) And don't get me started on the beautiful Shakira. I sang Objection and you can't do a Shakira song with moving. Or at least, I can't. ^________^ Fun stuff.
I went to bed by 4:00 and woke at 7:30 to pack. Got to the airport by 11:00 and waited it out. It was fun~! I kept on listening to Dejavu. Came and shouted that I was back in LA and mommy and daddy gave me Filipino food because I always crave pancit/noodles. Then, my brother, his gf, his best friend, and I went to J-town/Little Tokyo arcade!
_I_ got better at Initial D. I don't know HOW because I only played 3 or 4 times since I left LA, but I became more reckless and beat courses with more confidence. ;_; Maybe it's because I've changed a little. But all in all, things have been great. I have a lot of things to do for school, meet with people, and work in general, but I've been really energized.
On the changing part, I went to class yesterday and we were talking about the focus of 'self' in adult education, which I think is an important concept. One of my philosophies in teaching is, "I want an activity everyone can do together." You can't be in my class and not have me say, "how is everyone today?! We're going to be moving around." That's how i always start class. And whenever I make a lesson, I always try to think up an activity to do which is both meaningful but fun. But going back to my point, my classmate (I like her a lot 'cause she told me 'no no, speak your mind!') did her lesson on discovering yourself through literature, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I, on the other hand, thought about how fast time passed since I last in LA. While walking to Union Square, I said to myself, "You...you have messed up logic when it comes to yourself, society, and what you think is important, but you're not a bad person." I think I've become a little bit more confident, but forward with stuff, from the way I dress to what I say. I do not know how to express this sufficiently, but what I discovered was that I really have no idea about standards in the world but my own. I'm aware of them because Duality points them out to me. Maybe I'll always be naive that way, but...it's like our talk on 'vice'. She told what it was and I nodded to the phone (again my Subaru complex going 'hai hai'). And when I tried to understand, I was thinking, "Well, I can't tell those things out because I don't know about things like that."
And as I stood in line waiting for food at a Filipino place, I noticed how tense I always get whenever I'm in those places. (Here I was waltzing in with my short schoolgirl-as my mother put it- skirt, thigh-his, a turtleneck and suspenders-which the metal detector man at the airport gave me attitude for.) I always reserved outside of my home and genki at home, where I feel 'myself' and 'normal'. There's a lot to explain for why I feel tense at places like that, but one thing was that I saw was that I was really stern and serious, as bad as I used to be. (I used to not like joking around or hanging out because I was that serious. I blame my college friends for loosening me up. I became laid back.) And it was also an influence by SF in general. So, what I'm trying to say was that there will always be this Tezuka face and a Ryuichi one. But if I said I feel 'balanced' for the first time in my whole life, it would sound absurd since I like being in extremes and feel weird when things are 'okay'.
In other words, I feel great and i want to move towards moving wherever and discovering new things. If there was anything anyone ever knew about me, I'm always aiming higher.

That's why I made that poem 'Alive'. I am myself, but I've changed and brought other shadowed aspects of myself. After all, I want to rule the world.
I told my brother once, "Me? My goal in life? I want to touch more people or anything than the sun ever can." That's what I discovered my goal in life is. I may not be the most intelligent or sharp person in the world. I may be horrible with math or 'upping' an opponent, but I've not been shortened by heart or principle. Always moving forward, I hope to be a person untouched by the prevailing truths and pain of my past and change them into something which will make me more humble and compassionate towards people. I must learn to be tolerant, but that doesn't mean I'll deal with insincerity or idiocy mixed with narrowmindedness.
To be insincere...*shakes head* I don't care if we don't agree or that we fight, as long as we have clear stances that we believe in. But to be so underhanded as to live so closely in a box and with such a heart that does things half-assed, I've finally come to the point that I won't deal with such crap. You don't have to be strong or experienced. As I told my student, "I don't care if you want me to check and correct your paper or ask me a million questions. Just as long as you keep on trying, that's all that matters to me. But if you give up, that's what I will definitely get mad at."
I used to be really weak and cry at everything that hurt. But somewhere inside of me, I didn't want to give in to what people told me or wanted me to believe. So, I listened to people like Duality, Niko, Winnie, and especially Rui who knew what the hell they were talking about. I wasn't strong alone. I only became strong when I discovered the purpose of protecting what I believed in and loved.
That's why I'm intolerant of insincere people. You can be anything you want to be, but just don't be fake to me. People have many facades, but that's an aspect of themselves which I feel is true. That's all I ask.
Maybe it's because a lot of people don't know who or what they are. I know. I'm still exploring. I grope onto the darkness in search of the light with only that of my heart to guide me. I'm just blessed and lucky to meet people whom I care for and respect to the point that I'd do anything for them.

So yes, I was saying to my brother and his group about how I've been doing well, but I had to rant about something. Yes, I know I'm super critical, but that's only when provoked. It's because I understand that sometimes, it is hard to swallow.
All I want is to life a full life filled with fun and no regrets. And I want to write a fic with Ryuichi saying to Tatsuha, "You know what? I always fell in love with 'ordinary, shy' people who never really talked or rigid people who were sharp with their tongue. But I guess I was not meant to be someone like that. The person had to be extraordinary and strong enough to handle me...

...and therefore, I am at your mercy."

On a different note, I have finally read more than three chapters of Viewfinder (which was about 1.5 years ago ^^;;) and pushing the sex aside, now I know the magic of Asami and Takaba. It's as intense as AnK. But even though I totally, totally understand things from messed up Asami-seme's point of view, Takaba is someone I identified with even more and that's what I realized after making that fanfic. Freedom...though bound in other ways...within the constraints, you are still so free, unbound by ordinary things that normally paralyze weak-willed individuals. I think this is th angle of bondage that I've immersed in and enjoy. Maybe I'm stupid, but I really can't make a love scene or mention stuff like that *coughsmutcough* without justifying it in a way.

I am messed up. And it's fun. I love my life.
My body may be weak, but my passion for life grows each day, whether painful or happy times come.

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Monday, March 21, 2005 at 12:32 a.m.

seconds after watching PoT 175
OOOOMMMMMGGGG~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 175 is THE ep that will forever be my favorite! (Unless there's one even better!) It makes Tezuka x Fuji official~! I've never been so fulfilled as a fangirl. All that frustration of Seishirou x Subaru, Hijikata x Souji, and Akira x Hikaru that I imagine happens out of the anime is SO happening here! I don't care if they don't kiss or anything 'cause THIS was awesome!
Also note that I got to see Tezuka's stomach a MILLION times. XD (I don't like stating the obvious, but l-i-c-k-a-b-l-e! <---Waist and stomach fetish have surfaced once more. Makes me wonder what Fuji imagines...) Yup, I'm UBER happy~! For all the eps of having Tezuka go on his trip, THIS MADE UP for EVERYTHING!!!! (and then some...!)
I...I always thought Tezu and Syu were cool, but they are more than that now. Didn't know it was possible (like with Mustang in the last ep of FMA), but IT IS!!!!
KYAAAA~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My priorities are messed up, but I don't freakin' care!

T____________T Now back to that project...waahhh~!
But thank you Tezuka and Fuji! (I'll be mindfu-er, distracted for the rest of the day...)

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Thursday, March 17, 2005 at 04:29 p.m.

today, insomnia was my friend. why? a viewfinder fic.
as i put it in my author's notes, i had described the experience as such: "A bout with insomnia captured me and forcibly made me do this. I readily complied since the urge to ignore such a venture simply wasn't conceivable. Thus, another fit of insanity overtook my better judgment. Yaoi does that to time-oriented me."
And to tell the truth, I really had a lot of fun! The only reason I did it was because even though, seriously, I had a million projects, this sudden inspiration wouldn't stop pestering the WHOLE night. So, I gave in. I didn't expect to like doing it so much. Maybe it's because Takaba is fresh and new because the vibrancy of his character, to me, equals that of Riki of Ai no Kusabi.
Unexpectedly, it was easy to make a viewpoint for him and everything just flowed. Maybe I unconsciously was thinking about this fic when I made my manuscript a few days earlier, but I know nothing of the sort ran through my head. Also, the poem was made for a totally different context as well, but I ended up making that character sing it for some reason. Somehow it worked.
I'm just really happy. I was fiddling with an idea in January, but this was written instead as the first Viewfinder fic. I had a hard time partly because well, to capture Asami and Takaba's relationship (like Naoe and Takaya's) with all its tenseness without being able to write a lemon was EXTREMELY hard to conceive. But whether or not I succeeded depends on the reader of course. I was just happy to have written it. I felt very accomplished.
So today will be another work-filled day. And that's okay. I'm glad I did one thing I really wanted to do, but I have to get started on that job application after my major project. Please wish me luck! I will need it! ^___^ Thank you!

On another note, OOOH~! Nitta Youka-sensei's Haru! I saw the trailer. Made me blush even with all my inhibitions lost after making that Viewfinder fic. Proudly, I'm still not that corrupted if I can turn red at such things. (Thus, lemon is _still_ not a forte of expertise and will not be anytime soon... I shall indulge in my 'innocence' a while longer. But I'm enjoying things as they are. ^____^)

These days, I feel time is going by too fast. I don't know why, but it's either I'm really slow or time is passing way faster than I'm used to. I really can't pinpoint the reason as to why, but one thing's for sure, I must be enjoying it. Even with all the homework and the annoying people who seem to think that being nice to me in front of certain people in order to get what they want and look good, I'm keeping positive. (Simply, just got a bit irritated with some people who seem to think I'm an idiot. I'm bubbly, but one thing intelligent people know: Under my 5-year-old exterior lies a person who can tell out sincerity and if not, you're not worth talking to. He wasted two minutes of my life. Duality, amazed the boy is still alive to see the light of day? *BIG sweatdrop* Okay, done with that.)

And thus, I shall start my day with a smile! Even if it's cloudy in SF, I'm still a shiny Boogle out to slowly explore and conquer the world!

song of the day: still 'dejavu' (remix) by dave rodgers. Anyone who doesn't know this song, you HAVE to hear it! It's very exhilirating and it inspires me to live life even more energertically.

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Thursday, March 17, 2005 at 11:16 a.m.

I call this set of poems: the twins. (futari.)
copyright 2005
all rights reserved

ima / 'hello' to itteimasu. (saying 'hello'.)

There were times that I thought
were never going to let me be
To live my life
As I thought it should be.

There were days that I would say
it wasn't enough to do anything
to keep on going
as I always had
when it was just too much.

There were weeks when I would watch
the days pass by so quickly
without blinking an eye or sleeping
to experience everything
so thoroughly
as I wanted.

There were years when I would dream
for you to be alive
even though I didn't know of your existence
I prayed for your arrival
with all the darkness of my soul
to become encapsulated in this fresh, painfully bleeding moment.

Just a little more,
I had to push on
to meet you,
whomever you are.

I really didn't want to fall in love again,
didn't want to be left behind
or rejected because
'you weren't good enough'
in the countless multitudes of faces
and qualifications...

To be needed but not be used
To be wanted but not be taken for granted
To be loved but not with conditions
to bind me.

I wanted...

What I wanted...

I waited my whole life for...


was to finally smile
with everything I had
and finally say

'Hello'

to you.

--------------
kinou / Harana (serenade)

You are like a violin to me,
I play even though I don't know how.
I search the world for that voice
and that tone that will never
play for me again.

In this endless struggle,
I know I can't lose
to all the destruction,
that's what you taught me
when you embraced me
with all your weaknesses.

You told me to go on,
and that's why I continued
on the path so bitterly.
You said to believe
even though I didn't know the way.
To be faithful

without question.

And so I continue
to walk towards the future and the past
at the same time,
impossible as it seems.
I don't want to lose
the you that
I keep deep inside of me.
If you could only see me,
How proud I would make you,
I'm confident of this now.

I was alone,
and I didn't know how to fly.
Happiness wasn't something given,
it was something unexpected,
something you had to work so hard for.

I just came here for you...
In the midst of heads and fog,
I just came here to see you...

I always search for you in the crowds,
but it's always you who notices me.
As with every door I open,
I hope that you are there
even though
I know for sure that you're
never going to be
on the other side.

Yet, I still believe in the words
for the person,
I've loved so well.
Closing my fingers over my heart,
I always pray that
life will be good to you.
That you won't be confused
on who you are and what you're doing.

That you will understand
why I loved you...

Why I continue to love you...

Why I won't let go of you

even if I'm shouting
into the silence.

of why i'll play this
one-way ballad
for you.

just for you.

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Tuesday, March 15, 2005 at 10:25 p.m.

the day?
I finished the project that I started at 10:30 pm last night and slept at 4:30 to do. I woke up and went to turn it in, then I decided to have a fine time walking around because it's always such a relief to finish a big project. 'sides there was no internet, what was I supposed to do? Homework right after that rush? No way~!
I took my time at the public library and reading a manga at Borders. W Juliet - crossdressing romance / one of my fetishes come true~! XD You can only imagine how much I just wanted to buy this after the first chapter. The characters are really cool! Then, I played Initial D. After a month of not playing, not bad if I can lose 2 seconds. I say that's all right. I just need to work at it! Akagi here I come! (Or should that be, Ryousuke here I am to pursue you?) I took a LOOONG nap and vegged out until someone was so kind to give me 'Deja vu' from Initial D! XD I'm so lucky!
And so, here I am now slowly going through homework. I'm a turtle. I have projects due at the end of the week, but I'm not at all fazed. What needs to be done, needs to be done. (I mean that in more ways than one...oh dear. *looks up and whistles*)
However, besides homework, the internet being down, and unmentionable reasons, I was quite moody today. But it was relaxing and I had fun calming down and taking a day off my rush-filled life. ^________^
But it was more sunny than ever~~!!!!!! *SMILE* I'd have to say that life has thrown me a lot of screw balls from all over the place since I've started the year, but...*smiles widely* From the bottom of my heart, even if I'm frustrated by not having time for fics, I'm pikapika shining Kirby~! I feel like Shuichi running around from place to place and going up and down from emotion to emotion, but I wouldn't change my life now more than ever.

I think I've learned what it means to be alive. It really is great to just breathe and be alive!

song of the day: deja vu (remix) by dave rodgers

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Tuesday, March 15, 2005 at 10:12 p.m.

*SIGHS IN RELIEF* omg!
Who would have thought the whole freakin' school would lose internet? Isn't that ridiculous?! ;_;

Well, just saying hi to everyone!

song of the day: white revolution

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Tuesday, March 15, 2005 at 03:52 p.m.

the drive to fight back against all the work! (x-posted to lj)
A sudden spurt of inspiration came to me since I couldn't write a fic due to all the homework. I hope I can use this in a fic...
I realize after editing this that there's the clean way to read this and the dirty way.

Each to his own discretion (or indiscretion ^_^)...


Copyright 2005
all rights reserved


Alive
by miyamoto yui

Coming up to the front,
there's a sign I'd like you to know,
why my chin raised,
Omae wo korosu.

Not through recommendation,
Not through suggestion,
Get the fuck out of the way
unless you want to pave your blood
on my road.

There's a feeling only I carry
and with this weapon in between my hands,
you can feel all of me.
I give everything
to this single moment
of ecstacy.
I scream the loudest that I can.
You're giving me permission
To trash all you believe in
and break you from the inside.

Shattering all that I was before,
There's someone new playing the game
that was long past broken into war.

Baby, there ain't nothing I can't do,
I just want to see your face
against the mirror,
in disbelief,
let's do things that weren't
conceptually possible.

Instinct isn't a part of logic,
it's the drive to carry on
with courage.

Let me scream the loudest that I can.
But that isn't enough to make my presence known.
I will crush you
until you're unrecognizable
to even yourself.
Become a slave to my kind of conformity.

Sacrifice your life to me,
Dye your blood all over my body
with your hands
and not those eyes easily
deceived by humanity's wants or needs.


Baby, there's only one victor-
No compromise
in this single body.

Break me and smash me while I desperately reach out
to be able to devour every inch of you.
I will rise again and again.
I'll continue to scream the best I can

until I completely understand
what it means to really be

Alive.

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Sunday, March 13, 2005 at 03:17 p.m.

still grading.
I spent most of my day doing homework and grading without stopping. (My parents had to remind me to eat when I talked to them. --;;) But I was happy to find the Girl Scout cookies! XD I always look forward to them every year because I love the thin mints. Yes, I'm a dork. I seriously looked everywhere for those things!
I am so busy that it's not funny. I really want to read the new Hot Gimmick though. * winces * And I want to do fics!
Right now, I'm so dead tired, but Initial D songs are my companion. I'm getting used to grading. I'm really harsh though. I grade harder than my mentor teacher. --;;; But I like grading and I like reacting to the students' writings.
Also, I am currently applying for a job. I hope that I pass the initial test. If I do, my life is planned well for the next five years or so. (I hope I can do it for a long, long time...) The company president is AWESOME: professional, funny, and friendly.

As aggravated as I feel right now about having to stay up every night doing homework, I'm happy. I get chocolate everyday.

As I had prayed, if I get the wish I requested for, I shall do everything in my power not to complain and take everything life hurls at me. This is as far as I ever complain. I just wish I was a stronger person to not get frustrated over such things. This calls for a lesson in patience...but all in all, if this is what I need to get through, then so be it.
It will help me become stronger emotionally.
I guess, what I really want right now is a hug. I'll be selfish right now. *goes to PJ and hugs him for a while*

song of the day: white light

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Sunday, March 13, 2005 at 03:31 a.m.

I just HAD to share this with someone!
I used this pic with my lj icon, but that one has mustang in it too. This is from some random dj cover I saw. ISN'T THIS ONE OF THE CUTEST THINGS YOU'VE EVER SEEN?!?! Kyaa~! I am so sorry for shouting, but it's so...it's so...KAWAII~!



song of the day: speed car by d-team

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Friday, March 11, 2005 at 01:10 p.m.

ooohh...people keep on showing me pwetty things...
duality~! XD you HAVE to show that pic off~! ED AND ROY and Roy's in his badass 'I can molest, but I can pull it off without losing my calm' expression. And beautiful ED~! (Ed's always lickable, but *_____*).

My eyes have been happy these days, though I've not gotten enough sleep. So many pretty pictures...
damn you, duality, now i'm, er, frustrated. *LOL*

to be continued...
yui will show you what she doodles when she's a) bored (well, usually she writes all her notes backwards first that you have to put her notes against a mirror to read them correctly), b) tuning out because too much info was taken in, and c) a sudden idea of inspiration came to her. never thought i'd resort to showing them, but when you make a ryu, ed, and ryousuke sketch with pen...plus a chibi of yourself...there is something all right with the world and i've *gasped* gone into the realm of daydreaming! in my whole life, i've only done that 3 times, i swear. i usually planning, strategizing, studying, and analyzing things. my mind does not drift because i do not allow it to unless a) i've gotten drunk and lost all inhibitions, b) had too much chocolate/sugar/coffee that i was not meant to be sane, and c) kappei-sama = automatic, instant fazed mode. Or, I was too tired and sleepy to care anymore.

i. need. to. find. bishounen. to. stare. at. the drought is killing me...T_________T does this mean i have to resort to desparate means? hmm...*raises an eyebrow*

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Friday, March 11, 2005 at 12:44 a.m.

In complete awe.
I just finished watching the raw PoT 174. *_____* THIS IS MY FAVORITE EPISODE. *WINCE* The tension between Fuji and Tezuka...they SO want each other~! XD I still don't know about those people who have said, "They are not together. It's so not there!" Well, this just proves their 'history' together. *SMIRKING BADLY* I can't stop smiling!
KYAA~! I saw Tezuka's stomach so many times I'm blinded! And the art for PoT got REALLY pretty~!!!! Well, I like it. ^____^ It's like watching a movie! The new themes are good too. I'm utterly, totally satisfied.
And to think, I just finished a fic this morning because of my bout with insomnia! I like it 'cause it's geisha Fuji playing the koto for samurai Tezuka. And Tezuka doesn't do a thing while Fuji's feeling cornered and pressured between his scrutinous eyes. ^_________^ I'm psycho.
I want chocolate right now...

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Thursday, March 10, 2005 at 10:44 p.m.

the day has been fulfilling so far~!
my day has been uneventful in the sense that i've not left my apartment since 1:30pm to do all kinds of homework. i did everything i wanted to do except the paper. and now, i can completely concentrate on that paper now. i'm very happy about this. i feel...fulfilled!
my crazy brother sent me this quiz to take and i'll put up my results on the lj sometime. ^^;;; it was about 'brain sex', such as what is your 'gender'. of course, my brother was VERY happy to recommend this to me. the sadist was curious to see what his Onee-sama would score on such a thing. afterwards, he made fun of me saying, 'as expected.' i got 'balanced'. feminine in some parts, masculine in others, and balanced between both in other things. completely, utterly balanced. ^^ it was quite perplexing in the sense that i prefer feminine looking guys but masculine looking girls. *shakes head* hahaha...

well, gonna check out that PoT ep (174) where *gasp* my precious couple tezuka and fuji battle it out in the court! (let's hope yui can try to not be distracted by the flying shirts and bare skin with shorts.)
right now, as i write this, i'm listening to 'revolution'. it's the initial d 4th stage song i really, REALLY liked. i wasn't really into the other ones and almost didn't like the soundtrack through the eps until i heard this one. ^_____^ hey! how can i resist a song that talks about samurais?! c'mon. men with katanas fighting with a passion for something. i can't resist such things or even more so, people who have that drive to live so far. that's why i'll always have an attraction to the multiple ways the meiji and tokugawa periods can be interpreted, ripped apart, evaluated, and written about. i find history very interesting, especially historical fiction. ^_^

Then again, that is just the way I am. Whether I am considered correct or incorrect in the eyes of others, I will continue as I've learned to become. I was just answering a question about how was I when I was a teenager. And I knew I grew a lot, but compared to the shell of what I presented myself to be, I've now embodied what I thought I didn't think I would become: the person I am now. A person that I can now say I am proud of living as.
Though I am unconfident at most times and I am aware of all the things I could have done better, I am more than happy to be alive. I know it's crazy to live with such optimism, extreme love, and idealism, but it works for me. I haven't felt so lucky in my life as I do now. ^_______^ I hope you guys are feeling great too~!
Oh, and SF was SO PIKAPIKA SHINING for the WHOLE week! XD SUN~! It reminded me of home, but SF is starting to grow on me too...

Lyrics from 'revolution':
"Got to be wild
a hunter in the game called freedom
follow the light
the dark is just a state of your mind, so
turn on the night boy!

Revolution!
Wake up the sleepy samurai!"

song of the day: revolution by fastway

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Thursday, March 10, 2005 at 09:11 p.m.

the first draft of translations for 'sayonara no densetsu' (the legend of goodbye)
"Because GOODBYE doesn’t mean anything.
Parting means that we promise to MEET again.
Next time, I will fall in LOVE with you once more.

(Forevermore Love
you and me woo…)

MEETING you in this wide world,
I appreciate it from the bottom of my HEART.
The same two people's LOVE for each other is difficult*,
and wherever it's been KNOWN...

Because GOODBYE doesn’t mean anything.
Parting means that we promise to MEET again.
Next time, I will fall in LOVE with you once more.
Never letting go of each other, we'll meet AGAIN.
If there was ever a LEGEND about
you and me, it is because we are two STARS attracted to each other."

Seems like a simple song, but it isn't. And I capitalized exactly as it was presented in the lyric book. Well, it shouldn't be as complicated as L'arc songs, so I think it's feasible. I just wish my comp would read Japanese. ^^;;;

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Wednesday, March 9, 2005 at 08:18 p.m.

stressed out.
Because I was stressed out, my little brother gave me some Initial D 4th Stage songs, but I'm really taken in by Speed Car and another song he gave me as an extra, White Light. Never liked white light until I went to A's house and the volume was on full blast. It was an AWESOME song. It's all about being really bright and sunny. It's the Ryousuke image song and I have this image in my head. It inspires me. But Speed Car is also stuck in my head. It has a line that says, "Takumi is the king of racing!" Well for me, not yet, baby. He is good, but until he surpasses Ryousuke, Ryousuke is still the king of the road. As one lj community member had for one of their icons for Ryou and Kei, "Why YES, we DO own the road." ^_________^
That's why those two songs are running through my head.

Today will be another work-filled day. I hope that I may get through as much as I can. For the moment, I just woke up from a nap again. I've been incredibly tired lately. Don't know if it's because I've done too much homework, haven't gotten sleep, or having chest pains is accumulating. Well, whatever it is, I hope I will pick up soon. Feeling this bright but my body can't keep up is kinda scary to me. It reminds me that I am still mortal.

But also, it makes me value things even more. However, time never meant more or felt so little in amount to me than it does now.

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Wednesday, March 9, 2005 at 03:30 p.m.

my day so far? i usually put this in my planner instead of advertising it here...
Okay, so here’s what I did today and you evaluate.

Woke up at 8:20, sped through breakfast and showering, and out of the apartment by 8:55.
Had a mini conference with the teacher, monitored the class through activities, and then erased the board by 10:00.
Met with a student from 10-11
Went to metaphor class (which, because I don’t have enough sleep, everything is about bondage especially with vocabulary like ‘restraint’, so I end up doodling cute boys and girls on the margins of my 8 x 11 sheet of paper)
Met with another student from 12-1
Sped through making an email to my parents, previewing Gokusen, making a part of my manuscript, and baked/heated up some pizza for lunch until 1:55
Met with a student from 2-3
Met with another student at the library from 3-4, ended up talking in the cafeteria. She needed a bagel and I needed chocolate
Came back and corrected another student paper until 4:45
Watched the Gokusen drama and cried for the umpteenth time! Done at 5:45
Did some extensive reading for ‘Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde’. Then, took a nap without an alarm. Woke up naturally at 6:45 after a strange dream.
Did a student teaching journal, transliterated Daydreamin’ (as a part of my daily self-study Japanese session), answered questions and sped read (my skills have totally gone up this time) until 8:15.
Went to the student center to copy the student papers I needed for a specific project. Came back by 8:40.
Read again and talked to my parents. Finally finished reading by 9:30.
Responded to a students paper (needed to do an online conference with the person whose paper I corrected earlier) and corrected another student’s paper with a document and email comments once more.
Finished questions to one English class by 10:05.
Realized I didn’t eat dinner yet so I heated up something again, ate it while watching some Cutey Honey, and decided to this.

Why? Because I still haven’t finished my homework. I am always trying to figure out an efficient way to get through my day with a number of activities done to the best of my ability, love, and effort. However, at this moment, I am kind of frustrated at my own tendency towards inefficiency. And it isn’t even the fact that I don’t know how to prioritize. I can’t sleep late because I have two observations downtown tomorrow which will take a lot of my day that I need to catch up. (I am behind in my preparation for assignments that are due next week. There are 5 projects and I‘ve been able to complete nothing due to reading 75-100 pages a day.) * sighs *
Usually, I get a lot more done with no nap, but I was really off today. * wince * I’ve snacked way too much and I need to start integrating more exercise into my day. I need time!

Sorry, I needed to relay to someone. T_______________T

But life is great~! ^___________^ Gokusen’s Shin and Yakitate Japan (before I went to sleep at 2am this morning) were great motivators…and er, some other things. ^_~ Daydreamin’ and planning for the future…)

Now, I will go off and do some other homework, self-study the Constitution, email people, look for scholarships, and jobs.
I hope I can fit in a fanfic.

But even with all this…I wonder why I’ve felt I’ve done nothing for the day. Maybe because I’ve not finished the important homework and this time, it isn’t because I’m procrastinating on it by doing other stuff or cleaning. (I cleaned my side of the room and the bathroom yesterday, so I can’t do that now. *wince*)

* goes off *

This is actually a little less than I usually try to accomplish. I’m just happy some people are very understanding that it isn’t ‘me’, per se trying to avoid them through email and such. It makes me sad, that’s why, to think of little things that have broken many a friendship.

Well, despite everything, take care and hope you’re being more productive than me!! I promised I would not worry over the future or complain during Lent. That was my intention, which you know is very hard for me. I’ve been doing well. * smile * ^__________________________^

Song of the day: Feel Your Breeze by V6

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Monday, March 7, 2005 at 10:44 p.m.

sukisyo 9
yes, can see you that through all the homework i have, i actually took the time to watch this? *laughs* episode by episode updates are usually not my thing, but this show really has captured me. it's one of those that i watch and listen to over and over and over...like gravi.
i actually *cough* took the time to look up key words. as a linguist, i should be less lazy about translating stuff in my head. usually, i don't even bother to look up words, which is why i only get 80-85 percent of raw anime/dramas. but thank kami-sama i even know japanese! (ah, to put my major to waste would be so shameful! *WINCE*)

this episode: so...so typical me. ;_; (well, my former response to these types of things.) aka, let's push the person we like away so we don't fall for them. (mm, but yoru is a GREAT seme. for me, i think he's one of the best semes ever and sora's...a nut that love 'cause he's so 'innocent'.) that's the gist of everything so far. doctor: 'are you falling in love with hashiba?' sunao/ran: '...'
ah, all the pretty angst! why oh why can't i find any summaries on any of the games? (i've looked at every image on the web, i can say.) and now sweetie tells me the games are more angsty? *sniff, sniff* (i can't pull my hair out. there are people who would scold me.) AH~! mou ii yo~!

motto, motto, doushite koko ni iku ka? wakaranai demo, hana no youni...jibun no koto wo saku.

My haiku:
ano toki ni
kimi wa boku no yume
ikiteiru

(at that time,
you were my dream
to live)

song of the day: initial d's space boy ("Like a real dream with you, babe! Gonna get get you, like a space boy~!" I realized, 'oh, yeah, takumi's the space case so they kept on calling him space boy.' *LOL* but i love him anyway.)

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Sunday, March 6, 2005 at 07:38 p.m.

the question of keeping in touch.
as duality and i went off on tangents and came up with intriguing, yet outrageously, realistic reasonings yesterday, i thought about her question to me about becoming close to people. to clarify this, this is taken from the sense of me always trying to find the best points of people while analyzing them in my interaction with them. though mostly, i do it unconsciously. only when i am perturbed or disturbed by a 'feeling' (as i call my instinct/esper-tendencies) do i feel the need to test what's bothering me.
i talk to many people and interact with them. there are some that work out and there are those that don't. i become close to many people for a time, but it is hard for me to keep in touch. i always request for some kind of understanding in my delay to give my update on my life, but that has _not_ ever diminished the feelings, thoughts, and actions i have accumulated thorough this 'absence'. it is not merely staying with people, but also with them staying with me. there are times you find out that their/your personalities are incompatible, and sometimes, you/them find out the true selves you've tried to conceal from the world in that closeness. some relationships are not able to handle that type of honesty, or so i've learned. when two people cannot come to a common understanding, which is a simple concept but difficult in its execution, then it simply cannot work no matter how much time, love, or effort was there.
also, i've comtemplated this question many a time and time and time again. each time was different and each conclusion deduced from these experiences came out similar in content. it is not feasible to be in contact with every person you've wanted to keep in contact with. simply, 1) that person wants to talk back to you or you want to continue to interact with them. though you are casual friends, sometimes that is just enough. sometimes, it isn't. 2) maybe you were just meant to meet at that certain place and time. each person contributes to your personality as well as you to theirs. sometimes, that's just it. there is nothing more. equally, there was nothing less. it just _is_. so, i have learned to enjoy people as they come and just want to imprint them into my mind for they helped shape me into who i am today. no matter how upset, mad, or angry someone has made me, there is something that i will always be thankful for in our time of passing (surechigau, is it called in Japanese?). 3) though you have enjoyed an individual, there may be something lacking in the relationship. for me, i am the type that spends countless hours thinking. and just as much, i spend as much effort trying to learn about myself as well as the people that i love and care about. even if i talk more to some more than others, i find that i have kept in touch with the people that i can keep in touch with. these people understand me as well as i understand them and we've come to that mutual understanding. though there are no such things as perfect relationships, we are able to laugh, cry, and get angry at each other without being judgmental. we can move on and grow together. there is no shame in presenting yourself to them and nor themselves to you. but there have been people i've liked to hang out with, but the more i got to know them, i had this 'feeling' that i would not grow into the type of person i want to be. this is when i take time to think about what has happened and if it's all right to keep this relationship.
but relationships are between two people, not just one. friendship and love are the foundation of these relationships. or at least to me, they are that way in my mind, so i function from this viewpoint. i truly believe in it. so, though in the evaluation of keeping a friendship/interaction with someone, i have to ask that person if it's all right to say goodbye. this is one of those times i am not direct because i still hope we can be friends. that is a weakness and strength within me. i refuse to give up. but there have been times when someone has wanted more than i could give, not accepting that this was all i could do. it may not have enough to you and i certainly knew it wasn't enough either, but it was a choice i had to make. it is sad that i've had to make that choice. i believe a friend shouldn't have to make you choose between them and yourself. and there had been a time someone emulated why exactly i switched majors: i didn't like the conniving gossip or making myself feel pitiful and hating myself for being the way i am when this is the person i am. (most of all, the competition was not fair and honest. i may be idealistic and i know things are not fair, but i was not comfortable with myself yet to fight such a thing. i had yet to develop this confidence i've had, which took a _long_ time for me.) it may not be what _you_ want, but this is who i am comfortable with. i don't like pitying myself and i'm frustrated when i am depressed. it takes me a long time to think things over, but that doesn't mean that i don't know how to move on. you waste so much time that way. life is wonderful and i want to understand why. so if you are a 'friend' that cannot be happy for others around you or accept that you can go beyond the limits you've put on yourself, i don't want to deal with it. foremost, i think with every relationship, you should have some sense of self. you don't have to be this confident individual that knows all the damn answers. no, no one is like that. (don't snicker, duality. even you have your faults...cute as they are. ^.^) i don't think i should go into a friendship without at least some kind of viewpoint. i won't know what i'm looking for if i function that way. maybe it's my continuous drive to learn, but damn it all, depending on other people is MUCH DIFFERENT than making them your crutch to live by. there is a difference between protecting what and who you love than making them live their life for you because you're too weak to function by yourself. it is all a matter of trust, especially within yourself.

so, if i can only keep those people that i do, i go out of my way because we've reached that love and understanding with one another. we work with one another rather than against each other. though i would like to keep in touch, life does get in the way sometimes, as i said in one of my original stories (my first shounen ai one). but i will do my damnest to be my best for these people i believe in and they love and believe in me too. i didn't want to grow bitter and disillusioned. i didn't want to be friends with people that made me feel less than who i am.
i've seen that. i've lived that. i almost killed myself for that. it's too easy to be that way. i think it's harder and more courageous to be able to smile through anything, no matter how torturous the situation may be.

i am happy and always thankful to meet people i can talk to in which we may not be close, but i am always learning and growing with them. i may never get to really know them, but because of anime, manga, yaoi, school, or other common bond, Kami-sama gave me the opportunity to be with them. Time is something I treasure, so even when people leave me short messages or other to react, I am thankful. You took your time for me. That is something I can't give back to you, so thank you very much.

and so, the people i am with, they are the ones who i'm meant to be with and i've worked hard to be with them. i am proud of them so much as i hope they are proud of me. they are strong, compassionate people who trusted me with their lives and their hearts, even if i was an outcast and weirdo all my life. these are the people i realized i would live for, and they, thankfully would do anything for me as well. not everyone is so lucky and i was blessed to have met and keep them.

that's something i learned about love this weekend. it's all right to meet with people and to spend your joy and pain with them. there are many people you can live with and you're comfortable with that. but the people i wanted to be with, these were the people, i realized...

...i couldn't ever live without.

and i will always hope that they will feel the same about me. and so far, so good in my twenty-four years of existence. ^___^

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Sunday, March 6, 2005 at 04:49 p.m.

tired, but happy
have many things to say, but so far, this weekend has been fun. spent most of it talking to different people...and to make a long story short, i figured that most of the time i was confused, i was unsure on what to do because i didn't trust myself in handling it.
but as in ogre slayer (onikinimaru), the ogre slayer said, ''anything' is high price to pay. but the sword says it'll grant your wish.' i remembered that quote from a LONG, LONG time ago. maybe '96 or '97. but i remembered watching that and thought, ''anything.' could i ever be that brave?' now, i realize, i have to exceed the 'anything' part.

now, i _know_ i can.

duality, gosh...you put up with a lot.

song of the day: wonderful days

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Sunday, March 6, 2005 at 12:51 a.m.

gokusen still...
currently watching the SECOND ep! *shakes head* there's something about this woman that I LIKE it when she talks yakuza AND/or when she's shouting at people because she's pissed. there's something so...so cool and sexy about it. (then again, i love her twisted logic. always turning anything into an opportunity for change, optimism, and love.) *sparkly eyes* my hero, you're so beautiful~! and i continue to be mesmerized by shin. ^________^v though, ultimately, i will ALWAYS prefer the handsome sorimachi~! he was the only reason i started watching dramas (and one of the main reasons i learned japanese...well, next to my kappei-sama. there's something about a guy who can shout and still sound cool.)
but KYAA~ can that woman shout! =^______^= Okay, now going back...

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Saturday, March 5, 2005 at 12:08 p.m.

currently watching gokusen (j-drama version)
finally watching the first 3 eps. i like kumiko 'cause she reminds me of me: glasses, dorky, and determined. but pushing that all aside, it's only the first 5 minutes and 30 seconds, and the only reason i watch is for that smirk by Sawada Shin. ^_~
he eyes the new teacher (kumiko/yankumi) and inspects her from head to toe for a split-second, turns his head away with a smirk, and all is right in my twisted world. ^____^

on a different note, i'm falling in love with juvenile orion's mangaka's covers for...*gasps* shouta anthologies. they're so sweet...and um, sexy...and see through. yup, the three s's in my grading book have been met. to date, i have only enjoyed two shouta stories ever: 1) teacher and student (yes, typical me...don't ever ask me 'cause i'm not ever telling the truth on this one.); 2) a college student and a high school freshman. i will never forget (from number 2) when i actually read the whole story and the college boy storms into the freshman's house and says, 'talk to me! tell me yourself that you don't want to see me!' and the boy, confused about why he loves a boy and someone way older than him is shaking his head while covering his ears. the boy wants to run back and hide in his room, but he turns around when his mom and a mutual friend are confused at the whole situation.
'i love him.' it is then that the boy sees this prideful guy go down on his knees. 'please...please let me keep him.' the boy is standing across the room watching this guy touching his head to the ground with tears in his eyes as his mother and their mutual friend are shouting at him. it works out at the end, but that was a powerful scene for me. i read it over and over (and i felt bad 'cause it was shouta) and never forgot the scene because it moved me beyond any other scene i've seen in yaoi manga so far. zetsuai/bronze is IT for yaoi anime for moi. (if sukisyo ends well, i think it will have a good change of taking the number 1 place in my tally book because it seems twisted, sad, and sugary. i cried when sunao said, 'where was i supposed to go? the only place i _could_ go was back to the place where everyone was.' yes, my tragic, torturing love complex arises once again. if it doesn't have some sort of angst, that isn't a valid love story to me. period.)

btw, sweetie, thank you very much for the sukisyo pic! yes, it does remind me of sei-chan. ^______^ *HUGS* you always give me good presents! you've decorated your whole lj like that. *immediately saves everything*
i need to now find a better, clearer pic of ran molesting sora...

*smirk* *blink, blink* this has been an awesome day. went to japantown with one of my students. she's really cool! took a nice, long nap dreaming about sukisyo. yoru and sunao are cute in 3-d form. ^^v *chu, labu-labu* but despite my horrifying experience of almost collapsing due to fatigue (ack, i thought this whole complex was gradually going away), i'm running well again! and though i had to wake up super early...this morning was pikapika shining! even if it rained, it shined for me, at least for a few minutes! (or at least it seemed that way to me when i smiled so much because there was sun~!!!!) ^_~

*sings*
"Ima mo todokanu hikari wa yuku e,
azayaka ni mau omoi o egakou
michibiku kotoba ga koborete
shimawanu youni utsuru toki wo
osorenai de..."

Kono hi no uta: Obviously, my Kappei-sama's version of Sleepless Beauty.

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Friday, March 4, 2005 at 09:59 p.m.

sukisyo 8
finally got around to watching the raw today. of course, i am sad that kappei only voice acts in the dramas, but still...;_; i am enjoying this title very much, seriously, pushing all the yaoi aside. i think this is one of the most provocative roles i've heard koyasu-sama do. (my heart skips a beat and i hold my breath whenever yoru comes on, which only encompasses 1-3 lines. it is worse now than when koyasu-sama does ryousuke. *gasps* speaking of, i must get initial d!!!) i don't know why because the series so far is all right. the characters are what keep me coming back to its craziness.
and despite the fact that like yoru pinning ran to the bed, i think i still prefer shounen ai like the ending of this episode. it is very sweet. well, i like extremes. it either has to be really sexy or really sweet, and sukisyo has both.

translation of my fav. part of this ep:
yoru (seduction in progress): 'do you like the things [i do]?'
ran (minimal protesting): [gasping] 'that's wrong.'
yoru (deeper and sexier purr voice) : 'you liar.'
and please notice, it is sunao that isn't phased by the whole situation anymore. it's sora that freaks out and says, 'go back to your bed!' sunao, flatly answers while getting off sora's bed, 'don't order me around.' i think by this time, sunao is _enjoying_ this, but sora's too tidus-like to notice a damn thing. ;_; (reminds me of some dense people...*slaps palm to her forehead* *winces in pain*) *little voice and goes into chibi form* am i this dumb, duality???

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Thursday, March 3, 2005 at 07:05 p.m.

whoa, did i read people more than i thought?
i am disturbed by the fact that i did the 'sign' thing on a whim...and they turned out a little more accurate than i anticipated. these were just my observations! i've watched people since i was little because i tended to be more quiet than vocal about important things.
cancer was actually the sign of my angel gabe, so he had special attention. it briefly eluded me that duality and nikoniko also had a very strong connection to this sign. XD (we are best friends after all...*laughs* and we like this sign for the same ultimate reason...)

To tell the absolute truth, the three signs that have given me the most luck are:
Cancer (acceptance), Aquarius (unconditional love and intellectual conversation), and Virgo (sincerity and emotional impact).
But of course, above all this is my Cloud! XD

song of the day: still the legend of goodbye

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Thursday, March 3, 2005 at 06:20 p.m.

which sign are you?
These are the condensed versions of my interactions with certain signs -

Aquarius - They go with the flow. They calm you down and take care of you when you need them to listen to you. They also freak out when you point out that they've lost their control over something. These people are playful and fun once you've got them started on something that they love. Overall, they are very friendly people with very odd obsessions...

Pisces - Either random or single-minded on accomplishing a task, they grow indecisive when there's something important. I either hit it with them or am really off. They are gentle or cruel, depending on how you interact with them. I liked them because they always showed you different kinds of art.

Aries - One of the most compatible types I've ever been with! They are very, very, very determined, energetic, and in-your-face. They love to joke around, but when things are important, they will be really serious. I liked them because of their passion for at least one thing.

Taurus - Drive me nuts. They're stubborn, but if you are their friend, they're damn loyal to the point that you wouldn't expect them to be so extreme. They like to keep their problems to themselves and get along with people, but if they say that they will care for you, they stick to that promise. They're very smart! Sometimes, it's indecently not fair. XD

Gemini - *sighs* They are very aesthetically pleasing, great conversationalists, and contemplative. They give great advice, but they are quite moody because of their dual-sided nature. Because of this, they're indecisive. But one thing I especially like is that they are patient and give lots of time, effort, and affection once they've figured out what they want.

(the infamous) Cancer - These people are super beautiful and charming. They have a unique spark that makes them irresistible in common and uncommon ways. They love to try new things, but they go back into their shell if they need to think about something. Sometimes, it's for a long time. I love them because they are very understanding people who accept things practically and with good reason, twisted as their logic may be at times.

Leo - The other compatible sign for me! They are extreme in the sense that they're really likeable or dislikeable, depending on their character traits. They have an artistic streak which make them attune to a preciseness towards detail. Though they are unreliable at times, they give good insights once in a while. They are good to hang out with and are caring when they need to be.

Virgo - They are very extreme in their passions, even exceeding the enthusiasm of an Aries! They love things fully, but may sometimes subject to faltering into not thinking things through because of it. However, they are subject to be quiet, shy, antisocial people because they keep to themselves since they're like water, calm and understanding. I love this sign because they are very tender-hearted, have good listening skills, and analyze things from an emotional level. They will not stop explaining until they are sure that they have made a well-thought out response because they care about detail and love a lot. (This sign has brought me odd luck.)

Libra - These people are especially subject to be lovers of anything that is pleasing to their eyes or anything that may be beautiful to them. Though this may be shallow in a sense, they make up for it by being articulate, responsive, and contemplative. Though they are indecisive at times and run away from the world as a response, once they've made up their mind, they're very stubborn. I love this sign for its bountiful amount of conversation material. They are interesting individuals who think deeply about life, but may be a little too quiet to say anything about it until you initialize a fulfilling conversation with them. (Did I mention I LOVE this sign?! My preferred compatibility.)

Scorpio - Successful, blunt, and detail-oriented, what's there not to like? They tell you what's on the table, what to expect to be there, and what will never be there. These people are very exciting because they can be very gentle with their on-the-mark advice and listening skills or make you smile with their outrageous, idiosyncratic behavior. Firm, loyal friends and torturous, passionate lovers, the way they love is a two-edged sword. Because they love you, they may be a bit much, but because they have such attractive personalities, you don't seem to mind, if you are up to the challenge.

Sagittarius - Depending on the subject and the circumstances, they can either be supportive and calm or rambunctious and rebellious. These people are very caring, but they are subject to being way too affectionate to the point of putting others before themselves, even if they can be self-centered at times with their 'controlling' attributes. They think a lot, but plan pretty well when they get around to it or give good advice from various viewpoints. They're charming, but don't like commitment unless you've given a good offer. Once they've settled on something, they're stubborn, but will change their mind if something appears to be optimally advantageous. I've liked other people of this sign because they're very kind, if you're on their good side.

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Wednesday, March 2, 2005 at 09:46 p.m.

think sexy! (for me, duality falls into that category)
I'm so tired right now that I'm going to go and just watch anime for the rest of the night. ^^v (I have something due, but my head hurts.) I've been sleeping late due to homework. But school is fun.
And though there are things I wish to discuss here right now, I'm too fatigued to proceed. ('sides, I already did an entry for my lj about eye candy - 1 hentai artbook (don't ask...I found two favorite hentai artists...and you guys already know how I'm really into Golden Boy, right? Biker chick's a weirdo, but all the other women are cool. But the guy himself...OOOH. *____* He, Takumi, and Amawa Hibiki make up the perfect guy to me. But Hibiki...ah...long hair, built, smart, and cross dresses.) 1 keisuke showing calvin klein undies, and 1 of satoeri! *wince*

I was just really REALLY REALLY REALLY happy that my lesson went very well today! I feel...smart. ^________^ My students keep on telling me I will be a good teacher. They are such a sweet bunch!

Then, one of my buddies in class tells me, "Snazzy outfit today, MA. You look like a Bond girl." *BLUSH* I gave her an embarrassed 'thank you'. (Never been complimented that well before. *_* Exceptions are Adri and Rosevine-san.) I thank Duality 'cause she convinced me to buy it. I like shopping with her. We know each other's taste very, VERY well.
Only problem was...I wore that because I wanted to look professional for class. I looked at my outfit in the mirror and thought, "This is as tight as Kisaragi Honey's outfits on Cutey Honey." Some of the male students were very funny today...*shakes head* Now, I think I understand why. I used to wonder why my mother once joked, "You know, I had this one sexy teacher in college. She was really beautiful. Well-proportioned, dressed well, very professional, had long hair, and was very intelligent. Boys just registered in that class just to see her even though she was so strict!" *looks at me*
Me: What does this have to do with me? *blink, blink*
Mom: I don't want to hear about students of a certain TA falling for her.
Me: Hmm? *clearly doesn't get it*
Mom: *shakes her head* *sighs* (equal to a similar reaction from Duality, who is clearly much, MUCH sexier than me!)
*winks at Duality* I live for those moments that I can a) make you squirm, b) see that you are not always so smart, and c) can be sustained by just hearing you talk (because she's so super smart most of the time) and be occassionally wrong! *shakes head* I can never win an argument/'discussion'~! XD 'cause a) I can't blame her for anything when she gives me those puppy dog eyes, b) when she laughs at me with that evil twinkle in her eye, and c) she can look really (is this a sufficient word) hot/sexy/dropdead pretty with that "I'm going to torture you if you're not intelligent to talk to or else I'll make you regret not letting me have my deserved space" expression. (The one where she peers at you from her glasses with this 'huh? you wanted to say something' look.) *dies* ^_____^ I think that describes my best friend somewhat sufficiently. Want the simplified version: Her - sadist; Me - masochist.
Why do libras torture me so...;_;

song of the day: english version of cutey honey theme

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Wednesday, March 2, 2005 at 09:18 p.m.

power suits, huh?
*SMIRK* duality, you shouldn't have given me that suggestion. i never liked the idea before...but i found a pic that convinced me. (glasses were just a plus. ^_~) it DEFINITELY convinced me...*_____* *nosebleeds*

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Wednesday, March 2, 2005 at 03:44 a.m.

i miss him.
Pourquoi! ;_; My deranged little bear! I miss you! (Yes, that is my bear...with my little brother's infamous hat. ^^;;; --;; And he voluntarily wears that in public.)

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Wednesday, March 2, 2005 at 01:48 a.m.

on a sugar high!
on this random note, i noticed my hair has grown quite long. well, i cut it to look like eriko sato's hairstyle in cutey honey. XD (kyaa~! she's uber cute. slowly, my photo collection of her grows larger...) but now that it's growing out...it looks so...ran-ish. *has to think of a way to cosplay sukisyo* but looking at that pic with ran molesting sora in his sleep, his hair is way, WAY long. (Why do I persist on cosplaying sexy bishounen? Speaking of, I wish I could have hugged *snaps fingers* that Ryuichi cosplayer in Anime Expo. ;_; She was so kirakira!)
Ack, spending too much time watching girls (why am i such a sucker for voices? i'd be a lot more sane if my fetishes were less sexy) and anime boys who get a lot more gay. (XD i love my life despite all my homework!) Need to find good looking boys to stare at this weekend. *deprived* the drought is so distressing. *blink, blink* *sniff, sniff*

right now, it is raining in san francisco. poignant, don't you think? i usually don't like rain, but rain in sf is quite pretty. it's as if everyone and everything is in a snow globe, surrounded in water and suspended in time for a moment of contemplation and admiration.
ah~! need to finish my homework so i can get on with that sukisyo fic! demo, smut is DEFINITELY NOT my fort. however, i love duality's reasoning: 'have you forgotten?'
'what?'
'adri is your number one fan.'
'yes...'
'what does _that_ say about your writing?'
'yeah...' *confused a little* *is slow and currently in contemplation* *catches on* 'she does like yamano ayane-sensei with all that-hey, you're right!' *nods at the phone like an idiot* (yui's so subaru that way. she waves goodbye too without knowing it.)
duality at the end of this conversation: *sigh* 'you...you are smart in some respects, but in others...ack.' [insert exasperated sigh] (duality explains LOTS of things to me. ^^)
um...i slept at 5:30am. i woke up at 11:30am. i've been in my room doing homework since 2pm. have i done anything else? nope. am i still doing homework? yup. was i so nervous doing my paper? yes. i ate two chocolate bars, 1/3 of a toblerone, and 1 piece of cake, to say the least. damn cravings...
and do i still need to do my lesson plan for 9am tomorrow? yup. and because it's an intensive class, if i don't do this efficiently and effectively, we'll be behind a day. ;_; (but my students are so sweet. they keep on telling me i will become a good teacher in the future because i'm so energetic. even my professor was telling me in not so subtle words that he believed in me. ;_; *sniff, sniff*) let's not even go about the forum discussion. but, am i truly freaking out? no. i'm tired as hell, but life is great.

it's great to be alive! ^_~ the sun was shining this morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*goes onto do homework* *contemplates on how to become as adorable as ran by expo...*

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Tuesday, March 1, 2005 at 09:22 p.m.

ano suteki na koe. (that wonderful voice.)
So yes, I've been up since 8:10 am 2/28/05. Yes, I only took a total of 2 naps equaling 30 minutes sleep. Yes, I went around to lots of appointments and am slowly getting things done. I met with 3 different students, filled out financial aid papers, saw a former professor (Kami-sama, I swear, he is so SO GREAT~ with his advice over my current employment confusion because I am more than 50 percent leaning to stay here in SF), went to kinko's and finally, went to the grocery store to buy snacks for class (and my chocolate supply since I can't find girl scout cookies). Then, I went studying with my friend in the library, came back and studied. I stopped to see if I could order Passion 2 (which, unfortunately, is not being released currently) and watched Inuyasha with one of my roommates. (She's the uber polite and charming one who gives me lots of chocolate and snacks. Bless her soul.)
I am currently still doing homework and have taken a break to watch Sukisyo. I've read about 30 pages of articles, a chapter from the constitution book, 40 pages from an education book, and transliterated lyrics (self-study Japanese). I have also managed to keep awake to start on my paper and the questions. This is in addition to the lesson I must plan for my 9:00am student teaching class for ESL composition. Freaked out? VERY. In the process of freaking out? No, just frustrated. Am I complaining? No!
Why you may ask that I am saying such inane things at an ungodly hour? Simply, I am very high on my chocolate, collapsing from fatigue, and feeling so genki I can't really sit still in my chair. I feel I am accomplishing something in life.
Talking to my classmates, I am constantly reminded, "You are only 24. You are doing just fine." I redid my lifeplan again (which is currently updated every six months...meticulous, aren't I?) and the projectile has been good. I'm, weirdly, going according to schedule as of the plan 2-3 years ago. Of course, with a little tinkering here and there.
Then, I found that Cutey Honey CD that I never knew existed. I had been looking for two songs (one more than the other) for over 9 years! The one I really loved, The Legend of Goodbye, is a rare find and I finally have it! XD (So, this is partly while I'm so kirakira happy right now.) It was one of those songs, like Daydreamin' in Sukisyo, in which I took an immediate liking because it was so beautiful. I hope to translate it sometime soon. So far, from what I remember the lyrics to be from the ova translations (which I never truly forgot because it was such an awesome song) was that it was a song about two people. These two people reincarnated and died. Over and over they met and no matter what lifetime they went through, they always saw one another. Except, tragically, they always seemed to miss one another because they weren't destined to be together. So, again and again, the singer says that next time they will fall in love, for it was that person, from all the people in the wide world, who taught the singer how to love even if it hurt. They are, the singer described, two stars that are attracted to one another. My kind of song, don't you think?
Well, I believe in reincarnation and though I hate admitting that I'm a romantic at heart (with much outer protest, mind you), I can't deny such a thing when my dreams 'of the past' were so vivid that I always woke up disoriented to the point that I would never know what my own name was. Mei Ling or whatever name and whatever gender I was, all I knew was that I was chasing after someone and died each time I met that person I reached. Yes, strange indeed.
You can't really disregard something phenomenal as the awesome feeling of falling to the earth, breaking your back, and suddenly being thrust into someone's bleeding body, looking up to a beautiful girl who was trying to call an ambulance. Then, you die. You come back and you are a girl this time and meet a boy whom you marry, but you die early also. Next lifetime, you meet a blond prostitute and fall with that person too. Then, you die, realizing why you recognized the soul of that reincarnating soul (just like Wish) as you fell off a building. Kami-sama or this _voice_ tells you that you didn't have to leave your place but you said you fell in love with someone and couldn't live without them, even if you died over and over with them never knowing it was 'you'. Powerfully vivid dream, I tell you.
Then, as I cried, I suddenly opened my eyes and I realized that I was 'ma' in this lifetime. An odd experience, but I hoped that I would be able to write a manuscript for this someday. This kind of helped me to understand my strange fascination for morbid, obsessive, forbidden/taboo love.
Of course, this dream happened years ago. I was disoriented for a couple of days thinking, 'why am i at a school? shouldn't i be observing the humans with their everyday things? why should i have to participate when i usually do not take posession over someone's body? ah, why am i the type to defy my own assignment and want to know more?' The dream truly messed up my sleeping patterns and consciousness for a couple of days. It was temporary 'disassociation'.
I know that this may not be fascinating in the least, but it was something that I felt should have been discussed today. For, this time, on this day more than any other, I pray that I would live a long life.
If not for myself, but for that person whom I supposedly 'fell' for. (No puns intended.)

*smiles* But it was a nice dream. With all the troubles and cruelties of the world, it's becoming harder and harder to believe in things with the purity and sincerity as that of a child and the analyzation skills of an adult.

That's why I hopelessly searched for this song for years. It meant a lot of things, but even more now.

I may not be perfect or be very smart, and add the low self-esteem at times, but I can actually say I like myself. I know who I am. That's a lot to say for someone who used to be very self-destructive and was reckless without explaining why.
I just hope to keep this enthusiasm for life. I enjoy every day that I live and I sleep late partly for the fact that I am sad to see the day 'end' when I wanted to learn so much. And I can't stay in bed for too long because I feel I'm missing out on the sunshine or something (in addition to needing to do work).
^_~ It's good to be alive.

And so, I quote again from gravi, 'from the ashes of broken themes and dreams'

"For all the broken dreams and the ones that were caught,
For all the tears and joys,
For all the times that I hated and loved myself,
For all the times that I couldn’t get up and move on,
For all the things I have,
For all the things I couldn’t keep…

If all of that was for this one moment in time…

Thank you to whomever was listening to my lonely prayers.

I would do it all over again.
For this one moment.

From the ashes of broken themes and dreams,
Something wonderful was created.
Something I didn’t ever imagine.

Something that would truly become mine forever."


This explains one of the reasons I couldn't give up on life. Well, that and that Duality'd kill me if I tried to kill myself ever again. *LOL* She's...scary. (Which is the reason why we lavish/spoil her as much as possible.) I love her and I think she's one of the hottest women I know (that...that voice...and that smirk...XD ah, must be experienced once if you ask me, but if you're a masochist like me, you'll come back for more torturing), but as I told her, "I had a random thought about you. I thought about you when I made up this phrase: 'If you believe in self-preservation, DON'T piss me off.'" *nod, nod* Though, I have loved her for support on everything.
Hey, Idaho and Utah, huh? *ROFL*

Mental image I've been thinking about all day (honestly): Asami. (And, um, the mangaka herself. ;_; So young! So pretty...so volumptuous!) I couldn't help it. That one scene with Takaba being taken from an open window was MM! *________* (That face in pain! I...like...torturing...people...*sob, sob*) Ah, the stuff my odd personality is attracted to. T_____________________T ;_;
*goes off to finish Sukisyo, her paper, and assigned questions* I need a life besides thinking more than I should and schoolwork. Then again, life is better than ever! It's wonderful to be alive! *puts hands on hips and copies a Tatsuha sigh while sobbing and fanboying the tv screen that holds Ryuichi's wonderful face* Ah, yes. Wonderful.

song of the day: the legend of goodbye (cutey honey sndtrk)

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Tuesday, March 1, 2005 at 04:22 a.m.

currently contemplating - cosplay
i think i want to do ran from sukisyo for anime expo and yaoi con this year...
but how to get red contacts? XD i hate pink, but I LOVE this show~!

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Monday, February 28, 2005 at 12:54 a.m.

AH~! Sukisyo 8!
I've only seen the first minute of this episode because I have lots of hw. T__________T But seeing Yoru actually pin Ran down was more than enough to wake me up. *sparkly eyes* (On another note, I've never hated an alarm clock so much as I do now...) Now, I wish I weren't BL game illiterate. *WINCES* Again, damn you Sukisyo for having Kappei-sama and 'i'm-as-sexy-as-hell' Koyasu. (No, I don't care if Koyasu-sama has bad teeth. I love him 'cause he's a weirdo and he's hot. *___* I like Seki-sama because, well, he's a pervert. ^^v)
This doesn't help my ideas for 'kizu'. *sniff, sniff* It's like every other chapter's gonna have Ed alternating between uke and seme. I am kind of intrigued by his, er, versatility. But as the author, I have no idea what I'm doing. (Hence, please note that I'm still, um, 'green' on the yaoi-somewhat-and even 'greener' with yuri. No wonder people make fun of my innocence. *sighs*)

I need to do homework, but I don't feel well. I have a paper due on Wednesday and I've not started on it. THAT'S how fatigued I feel. I wonder if it's my temperature. It's freakin' cold outside, but here I am wearing shorts and a short-sleeved shirt thinking (well, I always think this), "Clothes are so troublesome." (Hence, insert here the usual discussion on clothes with Duality over short t-shirts that show skin versus what I like to wear, 'see-throughs' as we had put it but I still dunno about that description...clothes are clothes. And I don't like wearing heavy clothing because I'm always warm. I'm a genki ball! I generate my own heat!)

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Sunday, February 27, 2005 at 04:20 p.m.

the latest fma fic: kizu!
onto part three, and i'm not on a writer's block. there is an obstacle to make this all work out, but i'm sure i can figure it out. tinkering with it a little, it's been quite interesting because there were a lot of things i didn't expect to pop up, but they did. --;; i planned too much for this fic. i hope it will turn out well. but here's the poem i started it off with ('with and without me'). It was a poem I made last year and I really, really liked it. I enjoyed the first two stanzas more than I should have! =^^= Plus, I thought I'd use it for the fic because it felt appropriate. Until Rosevine-san told me how bondage-ish it sounded, I didn't realize it until I read it again! XD

“Elegantly dressed in shreds,
A fashion yet to be addressed,
it is a matter of being undressed.

A pet, a slave, a darling,
what is the name you call me?
There is no definition, is there?
We dance and slaughter
with no worries of the consequences.

If you call me again,
I’ll bite your tongue off and consume the flesh and soul,
and nothing will be left.
Not even evidence
of what “existed”.

And yet, I follow with that melody
of that murderous voice,
like a drug, wanting to commit suicide.

Little by little,
I’m dying,
left at your feet.

You stare at me
as if you’ve always known me.
That isn’t true.
No, not at all.
I smile enigmatically.

You will come back for me
And when you do.

My body is cleaned away.
As if, I was never there.

Happy tidings.
Go crazy with and without me.”

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Sunday, February 27, 2005 at 01:40 a.m.

i have to leave my room.
i need to study and study hard. i've been distracted by the internet WAY too much. bishounen and bishoujo are making me hit my head on my desk way too often.
and for the kill, the ayane yamano-sensei pic of an uke being taken by a seme from an open window. i need to take another cold shower...
*thinks hard on that fma fic* a triangle...angst to ensue for the threesome.

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Saturday, February 26, 2005 at 04:12 p.m.

another random thought: yes, it's true!
i was walking with a friend two weeks ago and we were talking about initial d. i said that i really liked bunta. i think he's really cool and i think he's really hot too! she looked at me and i said, 'is it just me?' 'yup, it's just you.' T_____T it's like evangelion. i like shinji's dad. *wince* i have strange tastes...i already knew that, but still...

and today, i wore a blue and white plaid skirt. i wore thigh highs and boots. i really liked my outfit today (so that's why i mentioned it, but too bad it was windy kinda). however, ;_; since i look like a high school student, i got this look of, 'hey, i've never seen that school uniform before.' someone said i had a cute skirt. ^_____^ --;;; ack, i like uniforms because i grew up with them. *_* now i think i understand when shigure was all happy and said, 'high school girls~! high school girls~!' ^^;;; etou...but my love will always be business suits (glasses are always a plus). *dies* *nosebleeds*
i'm not feeling well, so i'm saying weird stuff.

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Friday, February 25, 2005 at 11:02 p.m.

random note: my christmas present!
XD Duality gave me my christmas present 'cause we didn't see one another for 2 months! (That's a record for us. ^^;;;;) And she gave me a TwinStars bob-head toy. *_____* Whenever I feel frustrated, I look at it and smile.
What a great best friend! Even if my brother says TwinStars are ancient, I love them because they remind me of my childhood when my mother went into Sanrio shops and bought random stuff for me.
Then, I understood what my stupid little brother said about being 'ancient'. Copyright 1976. I'm only 4 years younger than TwinStars. T_______T

song of the day: Honnou by Ringo Shiina

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Friday, February 25, 2005 at 05:22 p.m.

aiya...great!
i. am. once again. sick. --;;; damn homework and it's not even half done! *goes off to cry in a corner*

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Thursday, February 24, 2005 at 09:47 p.m.

my poem: i am a boogle.
don't know why i wanted to share this, but here it is. ^_^ boogle is not a word at all. it's something nikoniko and i made up. she says it one way and i say it in another. My brother shook his head when I told him I made this.

I am a boogle.
I am round.
I smile a lot.
I only eat people when I'm angry.
I like to look at sparkly things.
I especially like swords.
Someday, I want to be as skilled
as Fighter of Final Fantasy 1.

I carry a balloon for now
I scorch people with my sun.
Someday, I wish to acquire
many skills
to help the world
and conquer over dumb people.

If not,
I can always sit and look cute...

...before I eat them.

I am a boogle.

song of the day: initial d's remember me
"Oh baby I want to tell you, 'Remember me!
Remember everything we used to be.'"

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Thursday, February 24, 2005 at 06:56 p.m.

And such is life.
As of the moment, I am very frustrated with myself. No matter what I do, I feel that, these days, I have no time for anything. No matter how much I try to do in a day, it seems like it isn't even enough. I study for about 6+ hours a day, but it still isn't enough even if I skip meals or give up doing something I want to do (like fanfic-ing).
As happy as I am, I wonder why I feel like I'm always struggling but never really getting anywhere.
And tomorrow, I've got an early appointment to go downtown to find a mentor teacher for next semester. The coordinator is very nice to me.
I hope things will work out. I'm sure they will. I'm just overwhelmed by my homework again and I'm broke. *laughs*

But still, I've got to fight.

song of the day: place... (sunao image song)

"Baby you killed me in a moment with a knife and a rose in your smile" - Save Me
Wednesday, February 23, 2005 at 09:43 p.m.

Recommedations! Sites I love to visit!!!:

[x]Seshat2511-sama's Wild Angels' site!