Watching two different movies today...
Today, I had a very fun day with my friends. ^_^ I'm not used to going out this much, and so I found myself very tired. It was funny when I got the question of, "Didn't you have fun?" I smiled, but I was very quiet. I had lots of fun, I just get tired out easily, but I wanted to say, "Oh, I'm just happy being there."

I didn't know what else to do, but I borrowed more Angelic Layer. Even though I've seen it all, I will always love this anime. ^_^ I learn a lot about life and many things I missed the first time. Which leads me into watching two different things. I watched a Tagalog movie with Aga Muhlach (oh, he is my super favorite Filipino actor and very very cute. I've watched him since I was 13.) and Claudine Baretto. It wasn't very interesting, but I'd have to say, there were things that touched me. The plot was singular, but at one point, I felt so sorry for those who fight against themselves, their government, etc.
Then, I watched Angelic Layer right after. There were many things that made me think, but a lot of people would probably say, 'oh, it's because you love anime, that's why you thought it was better.' Actually, no. I love it because it dealt with social standing, money, careers, family, and love. I think it's because I was watching eps. 21-23 that this subject of love came out. (Oujirou-sama!) Then, it made me think about how I've always written my stories. I always put a romance twist in there because well, to me, it was always a plot device. Nothing more. Not until recently, as of experiencing and of loving certain pairings, did I realize that I made this concept of love more real. I remember someone saying to me, 'But why would she try to kill herself? That doesn't make sense.' I thought she would understand that 'It's because she couldn't be with the one she loved.' But that was when I didn't know anything about boy-girl relationships.
My point is that I've portrayed it more as a challenge. It isn't just a plot twist, it's what can make or break a character, as with many emotions when taken to the extreme. I know this is strange, but readers keep on telling me, 'why? why do you torture them?' Before, I would think, that's because I do. It's fun. Now, I think it's because that's how I truly think love is. It's a painful thing, and yet it is very beautiful at the same time because it makes you see what you would have never seen also. I write the way I do because simple plots and singular characters bore me. And yet, in these issues, I myself am a coward also.
"I want to take over the world!" says many many characters. I keep on thinking, 'Why?' And usually, there is no answer, but the need for power, which I think is a poor answer.
Everyone has a reason. They just never really say it all the time. Because, I've discovered that sometimes the most genki of people may be the one that isn't genki at all...

Writing advice for today: What are you trying to tell yourself? Why do you write journals, fanfiction, stories, songs, blogs, diaries, poems, etc.? Do you only write for the sake of a plot? That will never get you anywhere. Do you write for an audience? Yes, maybe to hear you. But the most important is that you hear yourself. I'm disappointed when I see some writers say, 'This story depends on your patronage or reviews...' You should not write like that. It tells you that you let others control your fate and are easily influenced by things that don't need to influenced.
I write this blog because I like to. I write because I need to grow and I have to know where I've come from to know where the hell I want to go in life.

Friday, March 28, 2003
I kissed my Subaru, Seishirou and Kumogorou plushies (yes, I have these) today at 12:10 a.m.

been thinking and thinking...
If Duality were here to hit me, she would. Yui 'thinking' isn't very good, but I can assure you that it isn't anything bad. I've just been thinking that if I could buy the whole set of Angelic Layer. People may think it's very 'cute and uninteresting' but I'll have to say that I'll bet my life on this anime to teach you something about life. It's powerful that way. Not depressing, but very heart-warming. It tells you a lot about fighting yourself and that the only person who can actually kill you, is yourself. But on the reverse side, the only person who can help you get better and better, is yourself. I wish that I could explain this better, but I can't. The manga did the anime no justice. It rushed through the series and that's disappointing because the anime was awesome.

In one little tidbit of Tokyo Babylon, the other thing I've been thinking about, I've been listening to Hideaki Matsuoka. Most people would think, 'who is that?' He is my favorite singer. He isn't the best vocally, but he has lots of interesting music such as my favorite anime vocalist would have to be Koji from Zetsuai (songs done both by Koyasu Takehito and Shou Hayami). I really think Subaru, at least apparel-wise, was modeled after Matsuoka-sensei because of the 'hat'. But also, if you hear the songs (which I hope I can upload someday *_*), they're both very genki, yet very sad.
Right now, 'Absence' has been running through my cd player on repeat. I've been translating it in my head, but it's pretty much about someone who is in the rain. The rain keeps on falling and falling. Your sweet eyes, and I can't understand. I am just becoming more and more blue inside of my heart. The rain continues to fall away. There were some things that were stupid and there were painful things. Memories that were gentle, but memories are easily forgotten. We are looking at one another eye to eye, but we are a little wrong. I broke your dream, we are still nobody, you broke my heart, we are still nobody...You broke my heart, broke my heart, broke my heart.
And that's how the song continues. The background sounds as if the rain is falling to the ground. Matsuoka-sensei repeats again, 'We are a little wrong...I broke your dream, we are still nobody, you broke my heart, we are still nobody...' I thought of Subaru, since most of his image songs are sung by this person (which Clamp had picked each song for each of the soundtracks of TB). I had loved him from the beginning because of his strangeness, but now, two years later, after luckily being graced to get a bunch of rare Matsuoka cds, I was able to understand why they chose him.
If you ever hear 'Vision', it's about someone who was waiting for someone to come because of a promise. But that person that was being waited for was very manipulative and played tricks. Then, the singer says, 'Vision, this is my vision...' with many types of looking at things such as 'devestating, obsessive, etc.' There are so many colors versus the white of the piling snow as well as being in a room alone. There are so many images that fly by and also he mentions about 'wishes and devestation' (kibou to zetsubou) as well as 'people's whose ears are closed'. And yet, this is the Tokyo Babylon official music video...if one only heard the song, you would think 'oh, it sounds really fast and upbeat', but when you read the translations, it's telling you something else.
And every time I look at Subaru at the end of this video, with his green eyes (green means 'hope' when interpreted in dreams) and his sincere smile that you'll never see in X, well, it just makes you want to frown. I think I cried the second time I ever saw it because there were people next to me the first time I saw it. Beautiful Subaru, yet Bittersweet Subaru.

Writing advice for today: When all the cards are down and you're stuck, just write. Write anything. Think your characters are your actors and you're just the person directing them to where they need to go and what they need to do. In life, you're not really stuck, you just need to think much harder than usual. ^_^

Wednesday, March 26, 2003
I kissed my Subaru, Seishirou and Kumogorou plushies (yes, I have these) today at 06:36 p.m.

quizzes to ease...
Well, for the past two days, been having more horrible nightmares and I wake up because of hip problems! Sheesh. So, as to not write angsty fics,I did the following: Thought of something I could do to Subaru that would be so cute but fangirls would die. *SMILE* *SPARKLY EYES* Hee. I hope that I can pull it off though! I'm not good with comedy!!! WAH~! love ya and see you tomorrow!

Devestation
What's Your Anime Weapon?

What Anime Critter are You?

Evil or not?
What character from a creepy anime are you?

Little Know-it-all
Find out what anime character cliche you are.

Cutest little dragon master.
Find out what anime girl you are.

life is short, but you can live forever
You know what? I've heard every ff theme song except 3 and 5? I had only heard this once and became acquainted with it again yesterday (technically since it's what time. ^^;;). I put this in my clover fic, but here are the lyrics for 'memories of life':

Alone for a while I've been searching through the dark
For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain
Melodies of life - love's lost refrain

Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye
And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?
Let them ring out loud till they unfold
In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me
Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name

A voice from the past, joining yours and mine
Adding up the layers of harmony
And so it goes, on and on
Melodies of life,
To the sky beyond the flying birds-forever and beyond

So far and away, see the bird as it flies by
Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky
I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings
Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings

In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me?
Was it fate that brought us close and now leaves me behind?


A voice from the past, joining yours and mine
Adding up the layers of harmony
And so it goes, on and on
Melodies of life,
To the sky beyond the flying birds-forever and beyond

If I should leave this lonely world behind
Your voice will still remember our melody
Now I know we'll carry on
Melodies of life
Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts
As long as we remember

I heard this first in Japanese, but for some reason, I didn't like it as much. Just like 'Hikari'. I like the English version much better.
But I was very touched by the song because it's so true, things come and go. You will not realize what's real anymore if you don't keep anything to remind you. There are many bad things to forget, but they helped you only to become compassionate or bitter. Either way, there are still happinesses that are only given to you. For me, I found that it was meeting people, learning, singing, writing, and walking around to new places. Or, when people think of me when I didn't expect it. Of course, these things also made me sad, but they never out-weighted the feeling of actually being purely happy to be alive. My cousin had told me, "I always loved your smile the best." Only now I realize she tried to tell me, "You are only being you. You are true, so please don't ever change that."
If only I could shout to some people, "I like the way you are!! Please try your best to keep that charm about you!"

Psycho as she is, I love Duality because she's so outspoken. I wish I could be that way. I love Mali-chan because she bounces back after retreating for another plan. Adri, wonderful Adri, I love you because you made me feel like the world could be mine. Don't you know that's why you're my muse? And to all of you who are silent or who do talk to me, we listen to one another, though we don't know each other well. That's enough for me.

Tuesday, March 25, 2003
I kissed my Subaru, Seishirou and Kumogorou plushies (yes, I have these) today at 01:03 a.m.

once again, we take quizzes...
Yeesh. I've been really really awful with angsty entries and fics! I need a breather! Plus, I've been visiting people's blogs as thank you for visiting my own. ^_^ And I found nice quizzes! I LOVE WITCH HUNTER ROBIN!!!!! And Gouhou Drug! (Well, yeah, so I wrote a fic for each.)

This may be one of the strangest things you'll hear me write, but when I saw my results for the WHR quiz, I was like, 'oh, that's good.' With no malicious intentions or profit, I read people's palms. I'm very sensitive to touch people to check how their auras are. ^_^ So out of the typical five psychic (or ESP) abilities, I have prerecognition, but with a little of postrecognition. It's hard to do the others. (The five types are clairvoyance, precog., postrecog., telekinesis, and telepathy.) That means I tell the future and read people's pasts. @_@ It's something I inherited, but that's it. I'm just an amateur. ^^v So, I use my energy really easily when I go in sync with people. Sorry if I'm rambling. I just thought 'yea, i'm robin! i like her very much.'

Been watching Angelic Layer again. Boy, I love the anime! I hate the manga...so...ech. What I love is that it said, 'In the layer, the one who is at the top that shines! It doesn't matter who you are.' That's why I loved Hatoko and cosplayed her. She said, 'Size and age don't matter'. And that's very true. Knowing who you are because that's all that counts in the end. ^_^ Heh...'Shine, Shuichi, Shine!' as Ryuichi said.

I’m the homeless moody bishie who shares an apartment with the jerk (who saved my life) above the drugstore where I work. When I’m not being groped by my boss’s boyfriend, I take on supernatural side jobs by aid of my acute psychometric abilities for extra cash. Find out with GD bishie you are | by Aelice

You are Robin! Still young and a bit unsure of
your abilities, nonetheless you are a force to
be reckoned with, a real hidden dragon

Which Witch Hunter Robin Character Are You?
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You're a unicorn! You're pure of heart, innocent,
and hell probably virgin-esque too! You've not
an evil bone in your body and that leaves you
wanted prey by anyone with bad
intentions...however you're not helpless,
you're armed with a horn! Not only does this
leave you somewhat able to protect yourself but
you also have strange healing powers over
others. You see the obvious and the truth
behind things. Not to mention you invade the
dreams of little girls everywhere!

Which common RP species are you?
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Monday, March 24, 2003
I kissed my Subaru, Seishirou and Kumogorou plushies (yes, I have these) today at 06:45 p.m.

Melodies of life...
Hi hi! Well, I just wanted to address some things.
1) Thank you for reading. I'm glad that you are enjoying the entries. =^_^= Actually, I'm quite shy about sharing things about myself.
2) Some people have said that I've been confident, but actually, I have a low self-esteem. What I can say for myself is that I'm just very honest. Which leads to the next subject...
3) Please do not ever worry about saying you can't describe yourself or write fics. To tell you the truth, I have this challenge every time I write or read or do something. I'm not very good at explaining things in words to people, so you will probably see me typing it or writing notes instead. It's okay if people misunderstand. I used to think that it was all my fault. But when you meet those people that you will never let go, they will understand you. They are the most important to you, and that is all that will count. You see, my philosophy of life is that kindness is what people remember the most about you. You never really hear, 'oh, this person did such and such...' Instead, you will mostly hear, 'They were good people. They were sincere.' Everyone's imperfect and we have our faults, but the most important is to be the best person you can be. It's not your job to discriminate people into 'types'. The only thing that gets me really, truly upset is when a person won't try, and because they think they can't. That's one thing that I will never accept.

song of today: Melodies of life (if you haven't noticed I'm an Final Fantasy freak).

writing for today: Keep practicing. That's all you can do-Improve everyday. (I have been writing since 1996 and I'm still struggling, but I haven't given up! ^_^ I mean, the girl people said couldn't really talk well, you're reading her writing now, aren't you? ^_~)

Monday, March 24, 2003
I kissed my Subaru, Seishirou and Kumogorou plushies (yes, I have these) today at 05:27 p.m.

ippai koto... (lots of things...)
Well, first of all, I had watched the oscars straight. It's been such a long time since I've done that. So, it was fun. Also, to have Sprited Away win, YEA!!!! I'm glad that it was picked because it sends out a lot of messages, none that could be even thought of from the other entries...but that's just my opinion.
What disturbed me was about the war. I think that people have a right to say what they want. And my opinion, well, I will not share because I don't like arguing with people. People think what they want, but will not tolerate when some people will impose their opinions on others. That's what happened some times in my university and I was even called a heretic. I'm not in their group and that's what you call me? Hmm. Well, as I learned a long time ago while flipping through a magazine, "It's not your job to have other people like you. It's your job to like other people." Okee, enough about that.

On a different note, well, the last entry was because I felt that my fanaticism for Subaru seems to be quite...hmm...'weird' to put it nicely. Many people think that I can't tell the difference between anime and reality and well, I know which is which. I just love it so much that it's a part of my life. Saying that there is no Subaru, actually, is like telling me that you want me to commit suicide. @_@ I love him that much. Subaru is a character that moves people not because he went out to change the world and took a big mission, but that he tried to help individuals one by one. He gave as much time as one person needed to be listened to. And that's where conflict usually starts, when you don't listen to yourself or others.

As for today, my fanfic-ing is on a high! I've not submitted chapters, but three chapters for three different fics are being edited as we type. ^_^ Some are saying, 'why are you torturing so-and-so?' Or, why is this chapter here? It doesn't really belong here. Well, for me, I prolong it to make the impact greater in the end. When something happens so fast, you can't have it's full effect, ne? Yes, I think too much. -_-;;
Well, have a great day!

writing advice for today: Say what you want to say, but in the most tactful manner. At the same time, don't care what others will say (only when you need to...you'll know the time) or else you will keep on regretting what you should have done, rather than saying 'i did what i wanted'! I write because I love to, not to make others like me. I just like people and want to learn from them once they know what I have said. It's a mirror thing. ^_^

Sunday, March 23, 2003
I kissed my Subaru, Seishirou and Kumogorou plushies (yes, I have these) today at 10:18 p.m.

Subaru running through my head
I couldn't help but feel like a fanatic today. I was so happy to wake up late and have nothing to worry about. (That's a rarity with me in itself. I'm such a worry-wart, it's bad for my health.) Well, I've been having more and more fun with this blog. I actually am learning something. Though, I have much MUCH to learn about this, so thank you Adri again for this wonderful layout!
What have I been thinking about? Well, I tried not to stress myself too much, so I just thought about Subaru. I fell in love when he said 'I'm sorry! I'm sorry!' because I love, love, love polite people! Then, I got the manga and thought he was so deep. There's something very unique in his angst and quietness that is not stereotypical in other anime characters. Plus, one can relate to him better than some characters. Being vulnerable, as I said in the SxK ml, was his strength for compassion and a weakness to make him love so completely. Not that I condone to love completely! Heck no! I love him more for it because that's how I love people around me. Extreme yes, love it all, or accept nothing, but that's just the way I am.
That's why I think I have confidence for the future. Before, I was always afraid, but now I realize that there is nothing to be afraid of. No regrets, never look back, and do everything that you can possibly do. Become the person you want to be.
That's why I learned a lot from Tokyo Babylon in general. There are so many things ignored in society, yet I don't aim for society to be perfect. It'd be so boring that way. What I am saying is that everyday is a day that will never come back, though you may do the same things. Your feelings are always different, or at least, they should be. I love Subaru because he showed two sides to society and the two sides to a person, but I hope that by the end of X, he will find what he's looking for. As for me, that's what I wish. My wish before was to make a difference in someone's life to say that my life wasn't wasted. And now, I wish that I will be able to quench the restlessness that stirs within me. I've moved on from a lot of things, but I hope to kill loneliness that I put upon myself. Not completely though, because it helped me a lot to reach so many people.
There are some things that I will never be able to explain to others about myself, but I wish to not ever reach that place where I put myself in. I used to imagine being a doll, much like Ayanami Rei, thinking that pain was happening to someone else, and not myself. I used to think that I was in a very dark place where I was all alone and I couldn't let anyone hurt me or else I'd break, like a glass cup. (That's why I can't listen to Subaru's character profile without crying, so I rarely listen to it. If I do, it's only the bgm, but I know it enough to translate it all in my head without his voice because it plays in my own head.) And now, finally, I think *cries* that I'm not there anymore. "You're not alone," was all I wanted to hear and that's what I heard from my friend. That's why I never thought of death anymore. Maybe, that's why you read my fanfics or you become friends with me. Maybe that's why I reach out to you in a story and want to become your friend. There will always be someone who feels the way you do. And that there is hope. There is always hope no matter how hard life is.

That is what Subaru is to me. Some part of him is still trying to reach people, even in X. That's why I believe he was placed in the Dragons of Heaven. Life is wonderful, even if you're masochistic.

People ask me if I am a strong person or tell me that I am. I tell them no. I think it's because I'm too honest and sincere, which ultimately are my strengths, yet are my greatest faults also.

Sunday, March 23, 2003
I kissed my Subaru, Seishirou and Kumogorou plushies (yes, I have these) today at 02:14 a.m.

finally, I get X Three the dvd...
So, yes, I have all the episodes. Yes, I've read all the manga. Yes, I bought so much stuff for Tokyo Babylon that it's so crazy...but...who in the world can get enough of Subaru?!?! I was watching ep 9 again. (Damn, I wish I had a screen cap of this. C'mon! Subaru half-naked! The boy never even showed his legs in TB, for goodness sake! And you only see the curve of his waist really well in the Tokyo Babylon music video because of the subway lights. @_@.) WAH!!! I love him and Seishirou! ;_; And Hokuto! ;_; Subaru...yet again, I fall prey to your beauty and depth of character. For someone who says nothing, he says a lot.



Saturday, March 22, 2003
I kissed my Subaru, Seishirou and Kumogorou plushies (yes, I have these) today at 11:37 p.m.

and we have more quizzes...
You know, I'm gonna hate you, Duality, because you got me addicted to this. Then again, I was the one who foolishly told you, "Hey! Adri has LOTS of quizzes on her site!" Knowing you liked them, yet I was naive to think 'why?' aiya...


You are a dark writer. A fierce and loyal follower
of Poe and the other gothic authors, you LOVE
to instill a sense of revulsion and somewhat
fear in your readers. You love to poke their
brains with logic dealing with the darker side
of the human mind and character. Truly
surprising and a true individual, you'll do
ANYTHING to create a scene. :)

What's YOUR Writing Style?
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Subaru

Which Tokyo Babylon Character are YOU?
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What Anime Vampire Are You?

Saturday, March 22, 2003
I kissed my Subaru, Seishirou and Kumogorou plushies (yes, I have these) today at 11:35 p.m.

Adri...
*sniff, sniff* I want to link Len-chan and Mali-chan here...but I dunno how. ;_; Help the genki-ball in need? Please? Thank you. *sniff, sniff*

Saturday, March 22, 2003
I kissed my Subaru, Seishirou and Kumogorou plushies (yes, I have these) today at 02:00 p.m.

WAI~!!!!!
I LOVE YOU ADRI!!!!! First the paragraph in your archive made me melt. (Don't be embarrassed...or if you are, that's cute. *chu*)

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE LAYOUT!!!! If you haven't guessed already, I love it!!!! *blink, blink* *thinks of more calendar boy entries*

On a different note, I will be trying (keyword here is 'trying') to finish 'belonging nowhere' and 'forever yours'. In the meanwhile, I'll be, um, thinking of what other things I've always wanted to see Subaru in for 'calendar boy'. *blink, blink* Yes, I always wanted him in shorts, but the whole wet t-shirt came while typing...

My parents are so good to me. ;_; They're buying me the Clamp Collector's dvd set. *is so happy*

song of the day: Romancing Train by Move

writing advice for today: Maybe you want a certain mood? Listen to a song on repeat. If you listen to too many things, unconsciously, your story may go all over the place. Equally, if you want your moods to vary, put your winamp on random. *lol* (I should change the songs to be lighter so that these stories won't be so depressing! Which is why Subaru is a model right now! I need some cute action!)

Saturday, March 22, 2003
I kissed my Subaru, Seishirou and Kumogorou plushies (yes, I have these) today at 01:28 p.m.