why watch psme?
Cleaning and fanfic writing...*sigh, sigh* And then you watch Please Save My Earth?! I think I really am a masochist if I can't watch this without crying. And I was fast-forwarding throughout the whole thing just trying to see Shion and Issei/Enju. ;_;
Ah...I miss him so much. I can never look at PSME the same way ever again...

Song of the past few days: Don't Stand So Close To Me by the Police.

Thursday, June 26, 2003
I whispered through the thick rain that I missed you at 09:48 p.m.

Am I losing my touch or am I just overwhelmed?
WAH~! Been graduating and moving from place to place. Getting ready for anime expo too. *blink, blink*
I've been writing fanfics, but not on the series that has a multi-chap. Like today, it was Please Save My Earth. Not my first one, but the first I've shown to the public. *blink, blink*
I guess I'm in a rut, or a writer's block on the other series. Or rather, I find myself redundant. I hope I'm not boring though. Each fic is special and loveable to me because I find something different and new to learn from it.
But _HOW_ many angles of unrequited love can there be? Yui's finding this out. ;_; I've found that this is a great experience for me as a person and as a writer. Ah, loneliness, the writer's best friend.
I was watching Card Captor Sakura the first movie and well, watching it over and over again (god, i love you touya and li, learning to love yukito as much as i used to), I find that I like it more and more. It has always been one of my favorite movies and it was so powerful. I think my favorite parts were the end, the giving of the hair ornament, and the dim sum (part 7 in the pioneer version, I believe) chapters. Ah, such beauty.
It's scary to love someone, but my problem is the answer I'd get. Weird as it may be. I'm scared about rejection, but I fear acceptance a little bit more. Which has been the subject of the recent fanfics: fancy lala - idol looking for the girl who was lost so long ago; fruits basket - loving a memory and the fear of there being a place where you can't reach the one you care for because you're occupied with what's in your head and not what's in front of you; please save my earth - living two lives, but liking the same person. one must die in order for the other to survive.

writing advice for the day: where's your heart? where's your mind? where's your soul? try to write from one of these perspectives. if you do all three, you might be overwhelmed or take the risk of succeeding also.

Song of the day: CCS Movie 1 Theme - "Tooi kono machi de"

Monday, June 23, 2003
I whispered through the thick rain that I missed you at 01:01 a.m.

Fruits Baskets wo mita...
My impression of Fruits Basket.

Anou...I've only seen the first and last six episodes, so I can't really say anything right now for a totality of the whole series. The anime series...

I liked it. A lot.
One fault is it's satient lessons. Too obvious for me, kind of annoying if you have to keep on pointing that out to the audience.

But! The lessons were well learned.

Things I would have normally have thought, "Oh, yeah...that," were actually quite twisted. (I did find Kyo's true form cute. ^^;;; Then again, I love duckbill platypi.) Kindness is the same as growth of the body? That really stuck in my brain because I had never thought of it that way before.
I thought everyone was inherently good and bad at the same time. But taken from this perspective, maybe the Ring wouldn't have scared me as much. I wasn't scared over that movie, it was the theme of someone being that evil living among others.
Wanting them to suffer.

After seeing the ending, I really did like Tohru, but I thought her too perfect in this light. But then again, this wasn't realistic to start with. And that's all right with me.
The characters were adorable and loveable!

But I still liked the Rat and Dragon the best. I've still to see the Dragon's story, but he reminds me of Seishirou and Touya of CCS. Elegant and cool. Dunno why I'm always falling for that type of character.
Then, there's Yuki...the rat. *sighs* Awesome. Simply awesome. They call him the 'prince' and it's a well-deserved title. Such elegance on his part too. But what got me was the whole 'you're disgusting. who would like you...a person who turns into a rat?' Ahh...and then someone who commented that he was awesome and great, but there was something that distanced him.
It was also the same characteristic that made him envious of Kyo the cat: people came to him.

I guess I loved this because it was heart-warming and yet it served its purpose. I've learned a lot from this anime so far.
And it also was like Eva to me, only it was in this time of my life. I will always be plagued with that problem of 'who the hell am I?' and 'is this the person inside and outside the same?' There will always be a small difference, but I hope to keep the difference small, though I know it will be impossible for that gap to be none at all.

Do I come from an old school of thought? Is chivarly, kindness, and sincerity gone from this world? Why are there so few people like this? And when I find them, why are there even fewer that are sincere?
Some people look kind...but they're truly not.

That's why I liked Tohru.

That's how a lot of people have talked to me. I hate confrontations, and yet I do not agree with everything people have to say to me.
I know how it is to be hurt by those that don't like you, and yet i've not made it my job to be liked.

Is it not to hurt others? Or rather, selfishly, myself?
In that sense, I am both Kyo and Yuki.
But I am Tohru...unafraid, after thinking about it for a while.

And yet, her mother had said, "Be a girl who believes in others."

How...after all these years...can I do that?

My new challenge in life. How...how can I do that? After years of shunning away, how will I accomplish that goal?

All I've come up with is to believe in what I can do. And to believe that there are still people out there who are truly sincere.
Someone...someday, who will truly understand me and I, them. As is the subject with most of my fics...

maybe you are lost too. As I am, deep inside of myself.

Will someone love me for everything? Ugly and as incompetent as I am? Hardworking and apologetic as I get?
In order to do that...
I had to learn to be that for others.

I cannot become discouraged. This is how I live, idealistic as it may be. I know that my heart is in the right place, trying to live, trying to breathe, trying my very best.
Not for anyone, but myself.

I care about how I see myself.
Not through other's eyes, but through my own.

I will learn someday.
I will only get stronger everyday.

Song of the day: Fruits Baskets OT

Tuesday, June 17, 2003
I whispered through the thick rain that I missed you at 01:24 a.m.

what have I've been doing?!
Graduation. And of course, that should be what I'll naturally put here...but being the way Yui is...
She isn't.

Everything's a blur right now and frankly, I feel like I was moved from one place to another. *lol* I wasn't sad, but I wasn't happy either...something was definitely missing this time round.
Was it academic? Was it because I was so used to being top of the class that now barely graduating with a b average gpa really got to me? Or was it that some people I wanted there weren't? Didn't I thank all that I wanted to? Something was missing. I don't know what it was though.

And so, I'm here watching anime that I wanted to finish for a long time. Fancy Lala and Card Captor Sakura. (God, if it weren't Subaru, Seishirou, Kappei, or Sesshoumaru, I'd be a CCS fanatic/collector right now. I don't know why I like Touya, Yue, or Li so much, but Touya especially.) I needed an answer to life and though the anime place I borrowed from gave me weird looks for getting such 'childish' material, I was proud that I did. I needed to know that I picked the right thing and that I was strong enough to support it. I want to be a writer and a teacher...but is that possible? I never liked dividing myself that way...
Right now, I was watching those shows and one said, "Just believe in the path you've chosen". The other said, "Motto, motto tsuyoku naritai." (More and more, I want to become stronger.) And it has eased my mind and heart for this weekend. Did I believe?
There was a guy friend who told me, "You don't give yourself enough credit." I told him it was he who never saw how much he gave to people...
but I was too much of a coward to tell him how much I liked him for it...

Song of the day: Tears of Pearls (savage garden)

Sunday, June 15, 2003
I whispered through the thick rain that I missed you at 11:27 p.m.

subaru singing in 'calendar boy'
I took the mic in front of me as the director gave me directions on what to do for the recording. I didn’t believe if I could truly do this, but I loved this song so much…

Maybe it would give me luck.
I know this song in and out…

It was a part of me that I never really wanted to show anyone, like making my hands bleed red over the scars that looked like perfectly scarred stars upon them.

I was more scared of being too honest…
Of how I sang this song to myself when no one was looking at me…

“Sing it the way you feel most comfortable,” the director said calmly. “It’ll be easier this way.”

I held the mic as the song started while tapping my foot. Nodding my head a bit with the beat. I then opened my eyes and looked at the camera with a serious look while singing,

“There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday.”

I looked away and then I sang again with my eyes closed,

“There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
There's a flag pole rag and the wind won't stop”

I then snapped my fingers with the light beat and continued,

”I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain”

I stopped snapping and pointed my hands towards the ceiling while shaking my head a bit.

”There's a little black spot on the sun today
That's my soul up there
It's the same old thing as yesterday
That's my soul up there
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
That's my soul up there
There's a flag pole rag and the wind won't stop
That's my soul up there

Suddenly, I put both of my hands on the stand with my foot tapping again to the tempo. My eyes closed in pain as my voice became powerfully strong.

”I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain”

I looked around the stage from person to person as if I were truly lost. It didn’t take too much acting though…

”There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall
That's my soul up there
There's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall
That's my soul up there
There's a blue whale beached by a springtide's ebb
That's my soul up there
There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web
That's my soul up there”

Holding my hands out, I found myself looking straight at Seishirou while loudly singing to him,

”I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain“

I covered my left hand with my gloved right hand as I kept on looking at Seishirou.

”There's a king on a throne with his eyes torn out
There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt
There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed
There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread
King of pain”

I kept one hand on the stand and tapped my foot again.
Then, I looked up and shook my head while closing my eyes as if couldn’t breathe, trying to sing while almost touching my lips to the mic.

”There's a red fox torn by a huntsman's pack
That's my soul up there
There's a black winged gull with a broken back
That's my soul up there
There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday”

This time, I looked at Seishirou with sorrowful eyes while holding my hands out to him. I wanted to catch myself and him in this moment to make him understand me.

“I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain”

Holding onto the mic stand, I thought, “Please understand me.”
I then sang with all my might,

”King of pain
King of pain
King of pain
I'll always be king of pain
I'll always be king of pain
I'll always be king of pain
I'll always be king of pain
I'll always be king of pain”

Then, I whispered as I opened my eyes to look at Seishirou’s face once more,
“I'll always be king of pain.”

I put my head down and the song ended with it.


Friday, June 6, 2003
I whispered through the thick rain that I missed you at 01:14 p.m.

today is my graduation...
And, well, I'm not feeling the hype. In fact, I've waited all my life for this as much as a child (have to work on that...), but I can't believe I feel this deep pain in my chest (figuratively and literally).
Maybe it doesn't help that I'm listening to "King of Pain" and reading the latest part of 'Calendar Boy'. Fanfiction.net (rrr) won't let me upload two new chapters. WAH. I think this is one of my favorite chapters because Subaru sings this song and he's looking directly at Seishirou, which sums up a lot of his feelings at the moment. I think it's a very touching moment.
Not to mention *hee* the nice black tank top, boots, vinyl pants, and a cross earring. Subaru! What a cutie!! Wearing shades with fucked up hair innocently asking, "Why are people staring at me?"

Writing advice for the day: Visualize. Can you imagine in your head what you're writing? Is it practical and does it make sense? If not, go back and revise. If so, go forward!

Friday, June 6, 2003
I whispered through the thick rain that I missed you at 10:44 a.m.

Heh.

Not a pervert You're pure as fresh fallen snow. Just wait, you'll
get corrupted...

What type of Yami no Matsuei pervert are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thursday, June 5, 2003
I whispered through the thick rain that I missed you at 02:15 a.m.

Song of the day: King of Pain (and a new chapter of Calendar boy!)
The Police - King Of Pain

There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
There's a flag pole rag and the wind won't stop

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a little black spot on the sun today
That's my soul up there
It's the same old thing as yesterday
That's my soul up there
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
That's my soul up there
There's a flag pole rag and the wind won't stop
That's my soul up there

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall
That's my soul up there
There's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall
That's my soul up there
There's a blue whale beached by a springtide's ebb
That's my soul up there
There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web
That's my soul up there

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a king on a throne with his eyes torn out
There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt
There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed
There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread
King of pain

There's a red fox torn by a huntsman's pack
That's my soul up there
There's a black winged gull with a broken back
That's my soul up there
There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

King of pain
King of pain
King of pain
I'll always be king of pain

Thursday, June 5, 2003
I whispered through the thick rain that I missed you at 01:19 a.m.