*LOL* maybe you DON'T want to know...
amused, adri?
Thursday, March 25, 2004
I carefully teased the one I love at 04:36 a.m.
excerpt from 'hakanai'
“Oh, why did the beautiful Lucifer ever want to be god? Why did he want to be something that knew everything?
Maybe it was selfish for God to hold everything to himself and suffer by himself…
…but that’s what true love is.”
Tsuzuki’s hands became numb as his heart felt like an icicle that was spreading its coldness like a disease all over his body. The human part told him to save him while the shinigami part said to kill him since his mind was already determined to commit suicide.
What could you do with a person who couldn’t live as a human, god, or devil?
Tsuzuki tried to reach out to save him…
…but he was too late.
Where did everything begin? Why did it end this way?
Muraki laughed and laughed as he glanced back to watch Tsuzuki suffering, after transplanting his feelings and thoughts into him. He loved to make people suffer as much as he liked to hurt himself to make sure he was alive.
Why do I have to live among the shadows when I’m pure white? Why is blood so beautiful when its contrast is next to it?
What is the use of looking human when your heart and soul are nothing but? Do you still count them as human?
You try to find meaning through the body. You try to seek answers through the mind. You try to grope for the existence of a soul within you.
But it is all useless.
Until there is someone who remembers all your faults and all your strengths, you have not lived. No one remembers you existed.
That’s what my brother did when he took my eye.
And this is what I give to you, Tsuzuki, in a kiss.
You’ll never catch me because you see yourself in me…
…and you’re denying its reality.
“Hisoka will suffer because you lived for him. He’s still too young to know of the soul’s immortality. For, when you ask someone to live for you, you’ve punished them to death instead of granting them life.” Muraki walked on forward as Tsuzuki watched him, unable to stop or go. “At that moment you reach the ultimate knowledge of humanity, you’ll understand why I killed and made them all suffer.
“I saw Hisoka on the night of the red moon. Through this suffering, love was born. He cringed and he screamed from the depths of his soul. I killed him and gave him his mark of life.
But you will make him suffer more than I did…
…and it will be out of these words we call ‘soul’ and ‘love’. Just like a ‘god’ should.”
The man covered in white smirked and laughed in mockery and realization as the waves toppled over his head, engulfing him like the exorcising flames of the seven gates of hell.
Tsuzuki tried to calm the chaos in his head, but failed within all the confusion. But through it all, he could hear Muraki’s voice in his head whispering before he left his bed the previous night. Muraki kissed him affectionately on the forehead and left saying,
“Through the saving power of prayer we call ‘love’,
you too will repeat this sin in the ephemeral dream we call ‘life’.”
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
I carefully teased the one I love at 09:47 a.m.
ha...ha...and ha.
You are a total yaoi whore! Nothing is sweeter
than the love between two sexy men, except for
sex between two sexy men!
What kind of Anime Whore are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
as i told someone, if i don't get what i want, i'd rather just live it through my writings, especially through the shounen ai pieces.
friends stay friends, not wanting to damage their relationship and making it weird, but isn't it funny that the person suffering doesn't know what the other thinks when they go around the point? friends are people i can count on and yet a different kind of love stems from this relationship.
it's funny when you get close to some people and you don't know how, when, or why. and then you watch something (not coincidence) that you know you're going through, but refuse to act on it. my brother was laughing and looking at my reactions through SMLA yesterday. Itai. Itai yo. it's silly when you watch it, but how come people can't count unrequited love as love?
if for every friend, boy, girl, whatever that i fell in love with wasn't counted as 'love' because it's unrequited, i wonder about those in relationships and feel nothing but a moment's infatuation. it's unfair. and yet this is the world i live in.
and yet i still walk through.
people ask me why i like tezuka so much. and it's weird to say that i didn't find him bishie when i first saw him, i just loved his glasses and the way he presented himself to everyone. it's like when i watched something and someone said, 'it's not about talent at all~! it's perseverance! if you give up, that's when you truly fail!' and tezuka is like that. i love this character because i want to be like that. that i don't fall apart when there's no one in my court and that i take confrontations well. to think that clearly and to act as if nothing hurts.
and slowly, i'm getting there. i've finally overcome my fear of public speaking. now, i've to work on presenting myself clearly.
ming-ling and tarepanda made me think of many things yesterday, and i realized...i realized how much i have to restructure my self-destructive mentality and use it to my advantage. (oh, by the way, i love the chocolate as much as i love toblerone. ^_~ i'll not finish it in one week...i hope. *stares at the dark chocolate easter eggs*)
duality, i've a lot of things to talk to you about when i see you again. i've grown in only a few weeks. (literally, my brother and tarepanda made funny of me for getting 'smaller'. ;_; i'm so short...a disadvantage to an uke if you ask me...)
i want so much from life. i want to give so much to so many people, including myself. i want to say how much i love and dislike this wonderful and cruel world. if i keep on persisting, i will find myself, i will find what i want and need, i will find it all.
i just have to worry about not being scared of the equivalent sacrifice for all these things.
on a happier note, my little brother told me, "Ate (older sister in Tagalog), you should tell the people on your blog that i think you're a blue Kirby with the sun on a string since it follows you wherever you go. _You_ think it's just a yellow balloon, but we all know it's something very different."
"C'mon, you don't really think that my teasing about being in God's favor is true. Especially about the weather."
*brother looks at me* *blinks* *looks at PoT on the comp screen* "An interesting match we've got here.*
(Didn't I tell you Tarepanda not to worry about the weather since I'm here for a week? hahaha...Oh, I love LA!) I wish I could see Niko and Winnie even for a dinner....wah...
song of the day: opening theme of chrono crusade
I carefully teased the one I love at
the love of a devoted TB fanatic.
i'm a nut. i've spent 15 hours making a fic for tokyo babylon. yes, fifteen hours. late in going to sleep, at the airport, when i came home. it took THAT long. ;_;
all for winnie the pooh to have either during or after finals week. yes, i made it just for you. you might find it interesting. subaru isn't a nut here and it's in semi-different style than i'm used to. ^_______^ experimenting is good! *nods* It's called 'fumetsu'.
*goes off to watch PoT...* Fuji~! Serious, sadistic Fuji~! *thinks* Or how about Al? ACK! I hate being indecisive. *'ting' goes off in Yui's head* Kappei in SMLA! Indecision gone!
But...*sighs* I don't know if the fic is any good...;_; *sniff, sniff* I like it, but it's weird...
Sunday, March 21, 2004
I carefully teased the one I love at 01:48 a.m.
the essence of Kichess
Disclaimer: Please Save My Earth isn’t mine.
We live in beauty and yet we are not satisfied by simplicity. Why do we as beings go around thinking that making things ‘better’ is a path that everyone must take?
And then they say that science must prove everything because there are results, but what does that really mean? Isn’t it all a false sense of control over things we don’t know or can’t understand? I find it very distressing indeed.
Then, they turn to religion, if they like, to find out things that one cannot understand by themselves. It is because it is beyond them and they still want to control what is around them, so they call this being ‘god’. But I, as Kichess, never thought of it that way.
Sarjalim was someone I was raised to admire and give my life to, but I didn’t look at her as a being that was holy because of her title, but by the way she was portrayed. I studied her picture to see what was her essence.
For hours and hours, I watched her big eyes and the wide-spread arms before me all covered with light and whiteness. But what was it that she represented?
Did she ever want to become human? Or rather, was she a human who had lifted all of herself to become the person she is now adorned for? I know I should have been grateful that I was one of the chosen, and I am, but when I look around, I feel that things have been complicated beyond repair.
I am a scientist for the answers and I am Kichess to come up with even more questions.
Shouldn’t that have been the other way around? I don’t know. Even if I am revered as holy, I still feel only human.
I have watched over my own beautiful planet that became desiccated with modernization. Oh, I remember the times when I looked into my father’s blue eyes and ran out into nature before me, embracing it as if I were the sun.
“What do you see?” he asked me one day.
“I see the sun.” I said as I pointed at the large yellowish-orange circle in the sky.
“That’s what Sarjalim is,” he told me as he poked my forehead.
I blinked my eyes and looked at him and smiled, even though I didn’t understand.
Now, I understand that Sarjalim is a person. Or rather, that is my image of her, the one that formed within my own mind. My father wanted to tell me she touched everything, but how could I do that?
The only thing that came to mind was to sing.
Sing and sing…
But what good could singing do?
I wrapped myself in white cloth as I touched the window almost as if I was touching the blue Earth in front of me. I wanted so much to be there and to see what my father saw. His eyes were the color of this gorgeous blue planet before me.
I wanted him to teach me more of what I needed to know. To understand myself.
And so I sat down while watching the Earth. I wanted to sing and sing to it to tell how much I loved it, even if it didn’t know me.
I didn’t want to disturb anyone, but my heart was going to burst. There was no other way for me to vent but to sing out my heart in words that I knew and knew not of. All I knew was that the feeling in my chest would be lulled temporarily until the next wave of confusion came to consume me from deep within.
Was this what a Kichess meant? You had to tear yourself apart to understand who you were? Was that what it all came down to?
Then I didn’t want it.
If people were only going to be kind to you because of a title, then I want to be a peasant. I don’t want to be admired for something that I am not.
In my desparation, I pressed my fingers on the window even more. Tears started to come out of my eyes.
There are so many things I want to know and there are so many things I want to say, but when I get the chance, they melt in my mouth and never come out. And in the end, my words are never said and never heard.
That’s why I must sing and sing until my heart is content. Even though the plants go crazy with overgrowth, it is the only time I am truly selfish because there is no other way for me to say anything.
Through the smiles and the sympathetic nods, I am still trapped inside here.
And the only one who seems to know a glimpse of me is Shion. Yet, he can push me away just as violently.
Sarjalim, I don’t understand how am I supposed to help people when I can’t be with them? I must be among the crowd of people in worship of you, but when someone dies, I can do nothing about it. I must answer so many people’s questions, but there is no one who would dare to answer my own, thinking that you would tell me your word directly.
But I am still me, whomever that is.
This is tearing me apart and my words are like the sun. Breaking myself into individual words and phrases, I spread myself around trying to touch everyone and everything.
And yet, I am still crawling around helplessly with a desert before me trying to find where and who I am.
Because at the rate I am going, I will hurt Shion the more I involved I get and I feel he is the only hope I have. But in the end, it must be finished, even if I am incomplete.
He knows, though. He sees the me that I cannot see yet.
At that moment, Shion came to find me and embraced me. “What are you doing here so late?”
“I want to sing,” I said as I closed my eyes.
“Then go ahead.”
“But the plants will-“
He interrupted, “I’ll take care of it myself if it comes to that. You can blame it on me.”
Thank you, Shion.
Then, I began to sing…
That’s why Sarjalim, I ask you to please always protect this Earth. Out of my selfishness, make me one with it at the cost of my soul, so that I may be able to protect something that I love.
Let these people be satisfied with simplicity. Material progression isn’t the only means of proving your existence. No, not at all.
We are only better once we know who we are.
That was the answer I came up with to describe you, O Great Sarjalim.
But for me, my answer to myself was: The words I know and do not know, I will sing them for as long as I can because as long as they come together, I will know who I am eventually.
I am a collection of the lyrics I sing, whether or not they are understood.
That’s why I will continue to sing on and on.
Until my heart is completely open…
Until there is no more distance between scientist, woman, and Kichess within me.
Owari.
Thursday, March 18, 2004
I carefully teased the one I love at 10:23 a.m.
it's scary...'cause it's true...
What Yaoi Stereotype Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're sweet, loving, but sometimes a bit unsure. It could be your naivety. Youre just a step above Uber Uke, really. You have an idea of what you want, and you often have the strength to go and get it. It's just that you aren't sure of what to do when it comes to love. This could be due to one of many reasons, such as your crush/lover tends to be rather distant and hard to figure out, you've had your heart broken before, you've never been in an intimate relationship quite like this, etc... You're also the kind of good person that bad things like to happen to. Which is sad, but there's no real helping it. All you can do is stick through it and work towards making tomorrow a better day (if you even have a tomorrow, that is)...
Likeliness of being seme: 10%
Likeliness of being uke: 90%
Some fellow Bashful Bottoms: Subaru (Tokyo Babylon), Tsuzuki (Yami no Matsuei), Quatre (Gundam Wing), Hakkai (Saiyuki)
On my defense, I'd have to say that it depends on who I'm next to when I'm uke! *wince* *blush* There are just some people you can't fight against. ^^;;;;;;; (Don't even think of answering, Duality or Adri... :P)
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
I carefully teased the one I love at 07:16 p.m.
'i told you so'
I've come to another crossing point in my life. and though i've always felt that i was alone, i can't say that i am completely alone, for that could never happen again. it's just that when you think too much, things become disjointed and twisted.
but whatever happens, happens. but i will not sit back and take what life has, i know i must go out and reach for it. i'm struggling deep inside about who i am right now and whom do i want to become. now that the path has been cleared...as much as my moods have swung...i cannot go back to the way i used to be.
i sometimes feel screwed over by life and i feel like i chose a really hard thing. in fact, i always take the hard path and it's not that i want to live with it. i have to. it has to adjust to me because i want to change the usual perception of that 'path' or 'paths'. i want too much from life, and dammit, i will get everything i need from life. not everything i want, but everything i need. i know i can. i'm the third in line and i know i'm favored by someone up there. it's not to be egotistical, but i know there's something taking care of me even though i sometimes don't recognize it.
and if i don't, there's the devil goddess called duality and my best friend nikoniko and winnie the pooh to tell me not to fall. they always catch me and though i hate to depend on people, my weakness is that i always hope someone is there to guide me some way on the damn picket signs through life. though i push them away too sometimes, i'm never left alone. and i never leave them alone either.
some may term this as friendship. but what do you call it when you are deeply in love with the people whom you care about? there is no name. it is no longer dependency or something that can be expressed in mortal terms.
i wish to not be left behind or leave someone behind in my life. it's more than diverging paths, it's an outright rejecting of not letting me grow with each of them that i believe is what i fear the most. though i will never know everything about them or them about me, i hope that we will grow together.
*smirks* my human side tells me to be afraid of what's around me, but now i truly believe that i'm not as confused as i was for a month. MA/Yui knows that when someone told me, 'you're stuck with me forever', i believed those words. then, i think i'll be able to accept that phrase i abhor, just once from that person i love the most, 'i told you so.'
MA is incapable of truly fearing. I've been scared of concepts, but I've not ever been scared of what life gave me, just when I thought I'd lose it all. And I know now I can't.
song of the day: kiss kiss by matsuoka hideaki
"i want to become sunshine and kiss everything in sight."
yeah, i want to be the sun and build my tower of babylon. though i will eventually fall, i won't ever regret touching, hurting, and smiling.
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
I carefully teased the one I love at 01:05 p.m.
website
ah yes, i had to make an impromptu website. I hope this works out well. I will probably make another one for back-up purposes. Losing 165 fics is not fun. ^^;;;
i will put fanfics and other random stuff into the humble site: www.geocities.com/suna_no_oukan
named after my favorite doujinshi, but i think it's a good name now that i think of it. 'the crown of sand'. yes...indeed...
on a different note, you know fate's teasing you when you find all subaru, seishirou, kamui, and tokyo babylon links on a random computer in the computer lab. *winces* GOD LOVES ME. I will not ever run out of luck! *feels a bit better*
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
I carefully teased the one I love at 08:41 a.m.
nani?~! cuteness, honesty, and sincerity are invaluable~!!!
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
I carefully teased the one I love at 08:23 a.m.
from a hideaki matsuoka song (translations):
'i wonder if your smile is real...
love is something that fluxuates...
i want to hold on.'
i wonder if the things i see are as real as they seem. sometimes, i can't tell the difference anymore. i'm dizzy with the world turning. heh. even i'm disturbed by the short stories i write at night for myself. but i have to say they're quite creative, even for myself.
i'm fighting from changing into someone less sincere. i'm losing touch with the people around me. it's hard to tell your thoughts and opinions when you've been a semi-mute most of your life. suddenly, someone says to say something. the same person says you shouldn't talk either, which seems absurd. nope, i thought things were clear, but i guess i'll have to think about it more. i honestly will say i want to cry for a whole day and shout. i'm so unreliable to myself...*sighs*
i wonder what the hell's happening. i'm trying to deal with things one at a time, but i feel like i'm trying my best, but it isn't enough. nothing is ever enough.
Monday, March 15, 2004
I carefully teased the one I love at 02:51 p.m.
kimi ga iru...
ah! now that i've talked to so many people, i now understand the root of my thoughts and why they've disturbed. of course, i always give myself incredible pressure and yes, i sometimes feel very alone, but it wasn't that at all. i finally occurred to me that because i thought of some things and some people in certain ways, that seeing them in a different light was totally overwhelming to me. it's like seeing your childhood hero and all they did was abuse. that's the best way i could describe it.
i put a lot of effort into whatever i do and whatever i think. and when i thought i had something figured out to only realize that it wasn't that way at all, i get set back and withdrawn. i feel disappointed by some things and people, including myself (well, very much myself).
it's like today when i went to borders and read 'forbidden dance'. i don't know why but that title always told me, 'you have to read me' for the longest time. and finally today, i did. i want to buy it. that's how much i liked it. it's my type of 'going for your dream' story. the characterizations are stereotypical, and yet they are strong, so admire them. one thing i particularly liked was when Aya said something like, 'why does this always happen? when i'm so close to my dream, something happens.' I stopped for a moment to think. it was true. i've always thought like that (the un-optimistic part of my nature). but then, not to be outdone by life and its hardships, she tries even harder, which is something i always strive for.
most of all, i had a talk with one of my friends and i told her, 'after our talk, I realized that i have to focus on what i can do and not what i can't.' i always put myself down in the name of humility (thinking that being too prideful is bad...i've seen too many bad examples of pride so don't get me started there...). somewhere deep inside, my insecurity will always be there. i want a trait that someone else has. i want their luck. but that's not meant for me and i should stop to really see that, 'yes, i am a good individual. i do work hard. i am cute. and i am weird, but that's my charm'.
subdued as i may appear right now, my cold is completely gone. my head is clear. i'm fully ready to take everything, kill anything, forgive anyone (myself included), and analyze to my heart's content.
with this evolvement...i hope my writing will change too. it has after all these years, but i hope i can always change my style and experiment. i don't like sticking to one thing (duality is the exception, of course, a goddess is always worshipped no matter how tortured one may feel about the infinite offerings one must give for beauty and 'constructive criticism'). ^___^ I want to be an ESL teacher, a novelist, and a Japanese Literature professor. i made a promise to someone that i'd be somebody. i have 5 years to make that come true.
on a different note, i keep on forgetting to tell Megamie-san that I've been wearing her Christmas present of a Ryuichi T-shirt all over SF. ^^v And I've worn my birthday earrings from Adri. They're really cute. Then again, to exert my oddness, I only wear one on my right ear while I wear another earring on my left (my mom gave it to me when i was 6 years old). ^_____^ Then, there's the second row with with amethyst for subaru's and hokuto's birthday. haven't wanted to change them since i got my ears pierced. i want to pierce them again...but 4 is not a good number...
song of the day: dreams' 'get over'.
"hitori janai to omou yo, kimi ga iru'. =
"I am not alone!" I thought, "You are here [with me]."
Sunday, March 14, 2004
I carefully teased the one I love at 06:14 p.m.