i watched the initial live action. my happy moment this weekend so far... i played 20 questions? i just have to say i'm sorry... london... As much as I had fun, I have to say it: My AX report? gone to AX as of tomorrow... Well, isn't that pleasant? strange, but true. i did cosplay! HAPPY B-DAY~, my Angel! The 2nd best flan in the world! YEA~! I'm happy~! I'm feeling bittersweet. a vacation, huh? leaving 'til june 12 It's SO over~! XD FINALS ARE OVER~! the other crack thought of the day... crack thought number one for the day: i'm back...kinda. Will be out a few days. YIPPEE~! writer's block for school. currently in my 'sick of school' mode. finished Loveless 5 I barely came back from... the rain falls... let me say it again... Thinking again. Psychotically determined brat ahead. Oh MY FREAKIN' GOD~!
it was okay, but i spilled about it in my lj, so be sure to catch the review and the spoilers there. on the most part, i really liked it because the cars were cool, i loved takumi EVEN MORE (was that possible?!), and it was cute. plus, the shounen ai was pretty adorable. ryousuke...*smiles widely* what an evil boy for smirking...
it's not the best and it doesn't explain a damn thing, almost making some of the characters disagreeable (like Bunta and Mogi) even though I like them very much (ESPECIALLY Bunta 'cause I have this odd fascination with him...like with Gendo Ikari of Eva...don't ask). but it's something okay to watch and a little bit better than some of the things i've seen promos of in theatres these days. --;;;;;
well, for the most part, i loved takumi. jay chou made him too much a stupid dork, but probably because i love the shy bumbly types (think carey grant), so he was adorable. takumi shows a little bit more emotion in the flick. (my baby CRIED. T_________T <--bawled) and ryousuke, though he didn't have the aura of drop dead charisma as in the anime, he was really cool. (he just tended to smoke too much.) when he and takumi talked to one another in 1 minute spurts, i died because takumi talked a lot and ryou would smirk at him because takumi's so dense... here's this rich guy chasing him...and he doesn't GET it. XD *ahem* (Then again, I'm that bad too...)
I need a smut fic. NOW. ;_; *clings onto Duality* I need a hug too.
Life...has gotten more complicated. And all I want is to make some people happy.
song of the day: My brother and I were singing a duet today of Fly me to the moon and back by paroles (Initial D)
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005 at 01:22 a.m.
"I'm glad I challenged you," quoteth Duality.
Me: XD
song playing now as I make a crack pairing - Strange Disease.
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Sunday, July 17, 2005 at 12:40 a.m.
i did a meme on lj from aja-san and it was pretty short, but interesting to do. it was weird since i usually don't do those kinds of things. and because i'd been hanging with people, i've been behind with the things i should do. however, feeling a little weak and sluggish because my sleeping schedule is f'd up, i'm a little slower than usual. i can't sleep continuously right now due to a lot of difficult dreams. but regardless, i'll just read yaoi, clean, and think of new fanfics. i just can't believe how fast the summer has gone and i've not really done anything. i'm guilty because i know i should be more productive instead of acting like such a little kid, but after talking to duality, i laughed because 'everything always comes at once'.
and now, i've got more things to think about. i think the root of my stress is that i want so much that i don't know where to start. *lol* i just hope i'm able to get what i want, or at least, things work as best as they can. that's all i want right now.
i don't want to be confused about school because of class, or feeling crowded...
song of the day: somebody told me by the killers
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Saturday, July 16, 2005 at 01:19 p.m.
i've been quite moody over life issues. it doesn't help when i think that there have been unnecessary subjects brought to my attention, many of which i wish not to discuss at this moment or they've really annoyed me to no end.
so if for the past few days, i'm sorry to ignore you. (thanks for the card, sweetie! *smiles*) i don't mean to, but i'm really not feeling well (people keep on FEEDING me LOTS of food...and that's cool, but i'm overwhelmed and can't say no when it's given with love T_T). i have been running away from the world and i need my little corner. since i don't have my kuma with me, baby bear takes his place. *HUGS TIGHTLY*
*goes back into a little cubby filled with chocolate, yaoi, and fanfic writings
song of the day: moonlight shadow sung by kokia
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005 at 06:39 p.m.
i know i'm not the only one, but i still don't understand why things like this happen. is it justified to hurt people? self-defense, i can understand, but...*sighs*
*prays hard*
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Friday, July 8, 2005 at 11:34 a.m.
I was really upset to figure out where I stood with a lot of people. That was what this year's AX experience was.
I don't like playing politics. I don't like acting cordial for people I feel that I shouldn't have to act like there's a limit to how much affection I can give. It is natural for me to indulge. It is natural for me to find a way for people to talk to me and for them to feel comfortable to talk to me. I don't question that anymore because it's a gift I am fortunate to have.
But what does it mean that people you've known for years treat you as if it's nothing? That you're not to be trusted when there's no reason to be counted as untrustworthy? What do you mean I have to be 'tolerated'? (What? Am I not shallow enough for you?) And then among other things, you find out stuff from 3rd party conferences?! What the hell is that? I don't ask to be told directly, and I'm not expecting anything...it's just I wish I knew where I really stood with some people. Then, top that off with someone who uses you and pretends there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. ^____^ <--sarcastic grin Wonderful.
And then, I found myself becoming so upset that I spilled my guts when I know I shouldn't have complained so much. I actually was moody in con and I couldn't understand why (and even when I did, I couldn't say it in words). I don't like speaking ill of people, but I was so fed up. I was so sad. And I realized that maybe I had to work on somethings. For, something I got mad over someone else for, I had been doing myself. However, I'd have to say they're similar, yet very different. I don't play dirty with the pity card. I tell it straight.
I was also mixed up because I don't think I'm very good with compliments or when someone lavishes affection on me. I'm used to being caring and loving towards people, but when they do it to me, I become extremely shy and scared. I really didn't know how to deal with this because, honestly, I do get a million crushes, but it is hard for me to fall in love. And furthermore, to pick one person. And right now, I'm...*sighs* I just don't know to express that I just want to be friends with someone who hasn't told me anything of their feelings. I don't want to assume anything, but I'm confused. So, now I need more time to think.
The only person who hugs me but I don't get flustered is Duality.
I participated in embarrassing someone (because I was talked into it). It wasn't nice and I know I should have been nicer, but this was the rare time that I felt a little frustrated with this person. Being able to feel people's feelings and reading their palms...sometimes, it's sad to know the truth behind smiling faces.
Then, I found out people I didn't really hang out with were actually very close to my heart. We had mutual understandings and I totally felt comfortable hanging in groups and talking about things I normally wouldn't. It was easy to talk and open up without forcing myself to step out of my comfort zone. (Yes, I am always nervous meeting new people even if I don't look or act like it.) I felt...whole?
Yeah, so this post was kind of depressing, but I had to shout it out. I'm honestly confused about life right now. I'm running away for a while to find a way to motivate myself again. I'm scared of failure.
I want so much I don't know where to start. But as always, I will try my very best. I know who I am, but I have to work on becoming a less frustrated person and I have to find my way.
song of the day: Blaze by Kotani Kinya. I need to buy the Tsubasa sndtrack. This song is very awesome. Kotani Kinya never fails to amaze and amuse me. This song is really breaking me with its beauty.
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Tuesday, July 5, 2005 at 12:10 p.m.
click on my entry name.
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Monday, July 4, 2005 at 09:52 p.m.
See you guys and have a wonderful weekend! Happy July 4th (and Tanabata in Japan)!
I love you and take care! ^_____^ I hope that this year's convention will go well. And I need to catch up on my bishounen watching...
(and save myself from being groped...again. *LOL* Oh how nice, people who think I'm desirable. XD)
song of the day: wonderful days (PoT)
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Thursday, June 30, 2005 at 04:26 p.m.
I made a CCS fic yesterday and I didn't anticipate any replies on it since I write such obscure things to satisfy my cravings. ^_^ *smiles* And the feedback was touching.
Weird thing was that I went back to read my other Sakura and Tomoyo fics to find that my 2004 one was made one whole year earlier than the one I posted yesterday. Interesting how life works, huh?
I am...deliriously sleepy and happy.
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005 at 03:39 a.m.
As always I think and plan for the future. As of the moment, I'm somewhat slowly progressing through my everyday. I fight and runaway at the same time in the name of 'vacation'. There are times that I just want to do so much and at other times, I want to do so little.
I feel my summer is going fast, but I'm moving so slowly. Though I am having lots of fun, and feel somewhat at peace, I know there are things that I must really take care of, but I just can't seem to do it. It's more of the whole 'reality is hitting me' bit. I am not worried about the things I thought of before, but I'm nervous if I can really plan out to get what I really, truly, honestly want. And it is scary how persistent I am. When I want something, I REALLY will do many unimaginable things to get there.
But at the same time, there are many things bombarding me and how to deal with these things is quite complex. What's worse is that I've become more critical of people than ever before, and more to myself. I am just appalled by how much people take for granted, and how common sense is not valued. I am disturbed by the fact that I sometimes feel the doubt of 'Am I really such a good person?' I try my best, but now, I realize, I need to try harder.
I really am a masochist. If there is no pain, I don't want to do it. I need to feel through people, things, and situations.
I guess I realized that I need to become more physically and mentally fit to fight through live, love the way I do, and protect my beloved. I need to become stronger. Compared to what I want to be (though I'm happy with myself), I am still weak.
I now truly understand faith in what happens happens. It's only a matter of time. I have realized that I am not scared of not knowing where I will be going (because I'm always led to a good place by wonderful people), but in getting it, how far will I go to keep it? I don't want to sacrifice something very important against another thing that I can't live without.
I love my life, who's in it, and what I do. Now, how do I keep that all intact within myself without falling apart? For, my happiness has always been with the people around me. I hope that what individually wish for comes true (this time...*sighs*) and won't upset anyone. I don't think I can take that, as strong as I am.
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Sunday, June 26, 2005 at 10:47 p.m.
i sweatshopped throughout the whole weekend with my best friend niko. ^__________^ for the first time, i actually sewed! it was fun. Niko was so great! ;_; Thanks, man! Look here for pics -
http://www.livejournal.com/users/kanglin/37503.html#cutid1
officially, i'm going to AX as Yuuko from XXXHolic and Youji from Loveless! I tried to think of other things, but I don't think I'll have time. ^^;;; I am going all out - makeup. (Yes, I don't EVER wear makeup.) ^_^ I'm looking forward to AX and I hope it will be good this year. I will remember to take pics!!!! Eep...I hope.
On another note, I need to think of a VF fic! geh. I want to actually go into that contest. It's better to try than not to, but how to make a good fic? *sighs* I'm stuck for it, and I'm stuck on TB fics. Finding new angles is always hard.
Watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Nice movie. I liked it 'cause it was on crack. (Liked the netstocking bit. My kind of outfit.)
Nothing much else going on except thinking and planning about life. Sunshine has come back brighter than ever, so I'm super happy right now.
Random thing: I had a dream of Takahashi Ryousuke last week in 3-d form. Don't know who I was with (a girl and Ryousuke), but that was a really big bed (soft too). It was a peaceful dream, but Keisuke was funny. XD Racing is addicting.
I don't know what's happening to me. I had Kitsune udon, the best spaghetti with unagi, seaweed, olive oil, mushrooms, and wild vegetables, and didn't have enough sleep combined with making Loveless cosplay along with watching Loveless while my best friend did her (drool-worthy) impressions of Soubi. XD And Niko gave me a cd I always wanted: Remastered Hideaki Matsuoka - The Legend cd that was sold out. Ahhhh. Eventful and fun, I am now tired.
I...need more yaoi..(or at least eye candy even though I saw lots of yaoi novels with Minase-sensei illustrations XD). Not to mention a big hug. I...need to have sake...with my Yuuko costume. I already drank sake, but I want more~.
I miss a lot of people. I'm going nuts.
song of the day: jojouji by l'arc
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Sunday, June 26, 2005 at 10:19 p.m.
Yeah, it's the 24th in Argentina if I calculate correctly. XD Happy Birthday to my darling Angel Junta~! ^_____^ I love you~!
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Thursday, June 23, 2005 at 06:12 p.m.
(For my father's is the best one to me. XD) I had been craving flan for a while and didn't say a word to anyone. And out of nowhere, one of my brother's friends bought me one on a whim, but didn't get to give it to me because I was taking a nap before my jog. ;_; I ate it right now and DIED. T____T It's so good! I had to share this with everyone. Also the fact that now when anyone says the game 'Touch Kirby' (which is an actual Nintendo game), I get tickled. XD
It's because my vacation has been slow and I love it. I do whatever I want, but am planning hard for the future. I've had some bad nightmares, but all in all, things are going well.
I was just especially touched by one shouta one-shot on yaoi_daily. (I'm not into shouta very much, but as with everything, if it can be justified, then that can sway me.) It was about a kid who was blind and here I was crying in front of the monitor because the kid said that if he had his eyes, would his 'onii-chan' love him the best? And then it got me into thinking about how I get easily caught up with what I wear. (I'm extremely picky because I always feel I have to look my best wherever I go. It's something ingrained from being 'professional' in high school and my trendy mother.) But the people I am most close to are ones that have never seen me or have seen me rarely. I had prayed when I was little, I remembered, to have people around me who wouldn't judge me for what I looked like or what I did, but for being myself. For existing and continuing to exist as the best person I can be. And then I remembered it yesterday when I was crying because I had gotten exactly what I wanted after so long. *smiles*
As I was talking with my mom the other day, I told her, "I tell people that I do have an awesome life. I'm always broke, but the people who I love, recognize and love me back. The things I need (or that I didn't think I needed) are with me." All I want now is to become more so that I can be of more use to the people that I love.
I know I let people take advantage of me, but then I thought about this morning and said to myself, "Well, I'd rather be used than the one using. I'm still honest and it is not my place to punish when I'm also imperfect."
So, today so far has been a tiring, but happy day. The other day I went to karaoke, a Japanese curry restaurant, and a So. chicken restaurant. I had lots of fun, and even read palms for people's past lives. I was just amused when these anime club members told me, "you were the original yaoi lover". I didn't realize that I had been so outspoken when I was barely getting into yaoi. *lol* I really don't know what it is to be discreet, but I guess honesty gets you a long way with everyone.
Maybe that's why I am privileged to meet and talk with lots of people. Still, I wonder why my best friends called it a 'charm'.
song of the day: tokyo girl by ace of base
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005 at 07:27 p.m.
One costume is almost done. Since I can't sew, I went out and looked for a dress as close to Yuuko's as possible. ^____^ (Since my twin said I could do it with my long hair, I decided to try it out. Plus, it's exactly in the Yuuko/Cutey Honey style, but a little bit longer now.) This is the first time I've shown so much back and have worn a halter top (well, not exactly if it's a string...I'll have to fix that...). Because Yuuko's really pretty, I hope it comes out well. (Her body...whoa. For me, her sexiness is what makes her, her, so I hope that I can pull that off. ^^;;;) I think I will borrow my friend's Modoki. XD
I will probably wear Kazuki on one day to get pictures for *ahem* yes, you, sweetie and Tatsuha. I didn't take any during yaoi con. (And I cut most of my blond highlights. Now, my hair's hip length with auburn highlights-thanks to Duality! *waves*)
I might be cosplaying Loveless too, if all works well. ^______^
But still, I will make my Muu-chan! I really want to do Sugino!
song of the day: tsuki no curse
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Saturday, June 18, 2005 at 05:51 p.m.
I know I had something important to say, but I guess I either forgot it or it became something quite 'smoldering'? I mean, that it made me feel kind of upset and frustrated at the same. And I came to say aloud, "I just don't understand." And inside I thought, "It's because I understand that it really hits a nerve even when I know it shouldn't anymore."
I was having a discussion with my mother, telling her that I was reading a Geisha book which I couldn't put down. I just really have a love for this type of thing, like Takarazawa (is that the spelling?), Noh, Kabuki, and other types of things within Japanese culture. I have enjoyed my gradual development in this area, and so it became my field of study even though, yes, it doesn't earn me a lot of money to be a teacher. It isn't prestigious in Filipino culture if you don't have money or have a job that earns a lot of it. But that's beside the point. What I mean is that my mother said, "Is that not prositution?" And I said, "I know many people would say that, but for me to go into depth on why I don't feel that way or to explain any of the complexities would be too long. Simply, it is my field of study, so I have my own opinions about it."
This is not trying to make my mother seem ignorant, no. She's a very intelligent person that has taught me so much about life and was so honest with me that I knew about what to look for in marriage, sex, and all those life experience talks by the time I was 10 years old so that I'd have knowledge under my belt. What I mean is that it was difficult for me to convey the complexity into something simple, though it was an aspect of it.
I guess I'm just disturbed and saddened by all the pedo cases on television due to that case whose verdict was given yesterday. And my brother's friends, my bro, his girl, and I went to the arcade. We discussed many things about age differences in relationships and here I was saying, "Clearance is 10 years before and after me." They blinked their eyes at me, though my brother just kept quiet 'cause he's used to me and doesn't care. Then, I said, "It really does depend on maturity level and other things."
I found myself as they also were discussing this with me, that there were things that I could go with and things I couldn't, but it was nice, as with my mother, to have a discussion that didn't end in, "Oh, that's just the way it is. There's only one way."
I'm really tired of it. Seriously.
I used to think many things and then, having read up on them, and talked to people and their experiences, I saw that I can't ever think the way I used to. People and situations are circumstantial to me. They are all important in their own way and shouldn't be clumped into one thing.
I would be very upset if someone just judged me (not that that hasn't happened, since it's a part of life) based on...hmm...my writing and all the subjects I've written. I'd be considered a loony, someone empathetic, or other, based on that individual's life experiences and knowledge. That is quite normal. But how about all those writings on incest, age differences, premarital sex, or whatever? I may not believe in some of these things, but I truly have opened my eyes (and have been opened through other people's writings and discussions on perspectives) about possibilities about where these things are plausible, why they happen, and why should they be considered taboo in the first place?
*laughs* Well, this was just food for thought. I've been trying to think of fanfics, but I'm on writer's block. I need to do costumes and need to exercise (can I pull off Yuuko when she's so...yeah *lol*) before con. These are just little things, but it's nice to leave my head blank once in a while to experience relaxation.
I need to figure out why I feel like I never have enough time for anything, but I guess, the fun of it is to prioritize. *smiles* In the path of trying to always accomplish something, I wonder if I aim too high. But whenever someone tells me I can't do it, even myself, I look up and feel irritation to do it twice as awesome, 'cause I'm perverse that way.
On another note, I really love Loveless. That was a pretty smexy episode (Soubi...RITSUKA~! *unintelligible gibbirish* guh.), but it always makes me hold my breath by the depth of its sorrow mixed with beauty. I will talk about it later, but for now, I remembered what I wanted to talk about! *LOL* Soubi said he just wanted to be controlled by one person, even though Ritsuka's just a child. And then, I thought, for the first time in my life (against my prideful nature who adores freedom), wouldn't it be nice to just entirely serve just one person for the rest of your life and to devote everything because you love them so much? Maybe this is a simplification of what I truly want to say, but it was a nice thought, nonetheless. I really never thought of a life like that before.
Maybe my masochistic nature's finally getting the better of me, but to love someone like that is, to me, TOTALLY awesome. There is a focus and no need to be lost. *laughs* Then again, my ideal relationship, weirdly, is the Seishirou and Subaru relationship and I don't care that it's tragic. I wonder if my recklessness of not caring to be hurt or fully experience my emotions unto their extremities is pure idiocy or courage...
All in all, I still think I lead a great, fulfilling life. I'm in love with a lot of things! ^_____^ I need a way to pent off my extra energy. XD (Why am I on writer's block? *WINCE* *laughs*)
Well, I hope you're all doing well.
song of the day: Knock 'em out by Move
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005 at 10:33 p.m.
I've been out of the internet for almost a month. Though I checked emails occasionally, it was still so hard to be out of the loop, but to tell the truth, it was wonderful. Because I had been edgy for such a long time, I had forgotten what relaxation meant. I had forgotten what it meant to live without worrying more than I should have been. As Duality said to me, "It's like 'Long Vacation', you don't know you're going, so you go through the motions of life. It's taking a vacation from life itself."
In my whole life, I've been the one who knew where she'd go and planned really well. In fact, I've gotten teased many times for overplanning. (That's why I laughed at Shikamaru's life plan while watching all of Naruto.) But at this time, I am honestly kind of lost. It is not that I do not understand what is to come or the expectations, it is BECAUSE I KNOW that they are that I'm scared of failure itself. I've always been a perfectionist that way. But all in all, what I mean is that it makes me feel so exhilirated not knowing where to go too.
I honestly do love my life right now. I enjoy it. I love the people who are in it and I like myself. I just want to become more. That's all.
I've never felt so confident that 'things will work out well because they will'. My easygoing attitude is reckless, but I will blame that on a few select people. *WINK* So, after much contemplation and talks with Duality, I've come back from purgatory.
I spent all my time not trying to make deadlines, sleeping as much as I could, and doing the little things I couldn't do during the year (read all my backlogged yaoi scan list, watch Naruto and Kaleido Star, walks...). It made me so happy to wake up to tell Duality good luck everyday at work and to greet her when she got home. (I got to cook for her too! You know how excited I was?! I rarely get to cook for people!!) And no matter how many years I've been friends with her, we always talk about more things and perspectives. I continue to learn about things I didn't know. It made my head breakdown a bit at how many plant names I couldn't write down or how beautiful trails and beaches are all over the CA coast. And so, even though I'm a tanned Yui, I saw and felt so many beaches. I saw tidepools with anemones and hermit crabs. I walked around a town over and over while praying at church or singing to myself without rushing to make a meeting. I of course didn't finish the things I wanted to read or do, but I was so happy to take such a break.
And though I am happy to be in LA, I am faced with what I have to do, what must be done, and what will be done. I talked about this with Duality and it was so funny because she was so patient with me for my stupid issues. I'm still unaware about how I relate to people and what societal conventions are. (They boggle my mind. ;_;) I'm confused about how to proceed after graduation. I don't know why I still care for a person who obviously doesn't care a damn about me. I can't comprehend what my feelings are towards certain people at having to explain these difficult distinctions among like, love, and devotion, like loving someone vs. being in love with them. Through my silence and my smiles, I've been trying to figure it all out inside of my head and I'm no good at explaining things. I'm trying to figure things out, so I'll have to take things one at a time.
In trying to keep up with myself, I've learned, I've lost, and I've gained some things. However, I will continue on. As long as I believe in the sincerity of others towards me, I can believe in people. As long as I live trying to be honest and genuine to others, then I will get farther than I expected. I truly do believe in this.
But the source of my strength is actually talking it all out with Duality, I've figured out. (Masochist that I am since I'm your slave. Geh.) And it's the love I have to and from people, especially the person who continues to fill me with sunshine. ^_^
Because of all these things, I feel like Iwaki-san who said that the image of the person 'you' (the person he was talking with, forgot the name) are falling in love with was the person who emerged as a result of Katou's love. This person was the result of a strong, passionate love that refused to accept the reality of hardships and still persisted. That's why I love that part when he says in the beginning, "Even if it's for a day and his passion fades out, I will ride it with him."
How different I see things now. What I have to work on is the future result of what I want. But most of all, I must not be scared of losing it all, having met this kind of happiness. It's like in Kaleido Star (which I loved, mind you 'cause it had the 'big blue bus' and made me think of ucla, la, and home~!) in which the main girl says, "I must not be afraid to fall."
I shall not fail. If I do and I'm scared, 'ano hito' will probably scold me if he sees me. ^^;;; --;;; And he is one person I would not like to ever disappoint.
So, thanks again, Duality. Man, I miss you already.
song of the day: back on the rocks (vocal battle initial d - night kid seiyuu)
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Saturday, June 11, 2005 at 08:59 p.m.
It's been a whirlwind and soon, things will die down. Or at least, I hope so. In my mind, things truly aren't always peaceful 'cause I worry so much. In the pursuit of trying my best in everything, I find myself trying to outdo myself from the last project. Because of this, I grow anxious. *LOL* It's like Katou in Haru in which he says he's jealous of himself (and he looks SOOOOO DAMN HOT with is hair cut). I'm not really one to get jealous, there are times that the expectations are a little overwhelming, and my biggest problem is that I always act impulsively because what I want is what I want, no matter the cost. The price isn't ever too high...
Although there are many things to say, I find myself just sitting contentedly. I'm always tired physically, but mentally, no matter how stressed I am, I am always just plain happy. Each day, I'm smiling until my face hurts 'cause I can't do anything about my own excitement for people, life, and things. Even if my serious side is always behind the smiling one, I'd like to think that I want to be positive.
I always want to be like sunshine.
There are many projects during the summer like fics and find a job, and even if I'm scared of not knowing where I'm going, I'm beginning to understand that things fall into place if your heart is the way it should be. I'm just overwhelmed by a lot of people's love and kindness towards me and I feel like a stoic right now because I refuse to cry when I say goodbye to my roomie, who is going back to Germany or that I'll only barely be 25 years only when I finish my master's by the end of the year. I am always nervous, but I guess I don't show it as much as I feel it deep inside, and so it comes out as confidence. I wish the way I talked was as assertive as I'm writing now. It will be one of these days.
After all, I turn a blind eye to obstacles. In order to get what I want and love, I've got to do what I've got to do. And that means travelling the world, meeting people, going to Ueno park, making a difference in the world, writing novels, teaching as much as I can, and making the people I love happy (especially the person whom I chose to lavish all of my affections). In this, I am confident of the future and I will make myself grow. Kindness and understanding really did get me far and I thank Kamisama for giving me this privilege to live this life...
See you in a few weeks! Take care!
song of the day: hi no tori by nakashima mika
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Saturday, May 21, 2005 at 02:56 a.m.
I'm done! I'm do~one~! *SO TIRED, but HAPPY* I really need to get packing and cleaning, but I'll do that after a much needed nap. I'm so dead tired, but doing well. I just wish I could get the zips to two stories I've been dying over and avidly reading every morning before I go to class ('cause I'm dorky that way) on yaoi_daily lj. T___________T Oh well. Other than that, can't wait to visit Duality, make fics, and be 'bored' for the summer. Well, that's in between the fics, lookign for a job, and setting up classes...
I love you guys~! I'll miss you while I'm gone.
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Friday, May 20, 2005 at 01:32 p.m.
I need to do other stuff, but FINALS ARE DONE~! YIPPEEEEE~! And to cool off, I read Haru. Of course, it's always hot, but I took my chances. T_________T
I'm happy 'cause my roommate and I bonded over pizza. Another roommate and I, well, she videotaped me while I sang. Ack. --;; And I was learning a new song. *laughs* Oh well, my stress is now on moving out, but that's better than doing lesson plans.
I am always freaking out to do stuff because my expectations. I always do my best and want it to be my best 'cause I'm such a perfectionist that way. I'm just looking forward to being Duality's temporary slave roommate~! So, if I don't say anything later, see ya guys online on June 12th~! I'm so taking a vacation. ^___________^v I'll fulfill the number one goal I always fail every evening: going to sleep early.
song of the day: hi no tori by mika nakashima (check her out! she sings real pwetty~.)
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Friday, May 20, 2005 at 02:06 a.m.
I promised Adri that I would read Winter Cicada before going to sleep, which I did. So now I'm going to sleep after crying since it was so SAD. T__________________T It was the kind of story I always wanted to write. Meiji period is the era that I'm most familiar with because of my research paper to pass my Japanese major, so it holds a deep place in my heart. But I guess reincarnation, tragedy, and all that good stuff is what makes my heart melt.
And I learned something while talking to Adri though. I realized that I touch people because I'm no good with words. And some things, the most important, I can't tell with words at all. (Duality is always amused when I stumble on words to describe something I'm totally absorbed in because I sound like a total idiot.) So, I have to hug someone and touch them for me to fully understand them. Yes, I understand that this violates a lot of people's comfort zones, but honestly, I don't care. *smiles* When I like something, I like everything.
The metaphor research paper is almost done. I've written 16 pages in the 2 days I worked on it. It will be done by this afternoon, or I hope it will be. I don't have to cook for the class potluck. I made chocolate pie. Yes, I am a dork. I always want to make homemade stuff to show how much I care. My roommate thought I was weird talking to my food. And I said, "I do this so that the food comes out sweet, since it was made with lots of love." I always do that when I cook, hoping that even though I don't test it, it will come out well.
So far, my classmates have enjoyed whatever I've made. I'm happy about that. I've not cooked for someone for a long time. I miss making desserts and stuff. I never thought I'd become this kind of person. I always thought, "No, I don't want to be the type to bake cookies to show my love." Funny I've changed in about 9 years...
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005 at 03:19 a.m.
"MA...you are a pedophile."
"T_______________T Gee, thanks, 'toni."
I'm dizzy as hell, my body's so fatigued, and my brain's dead. (I feel bad for getting irritated with my brother, but I'm too prideful to say sorry. *LOL* But ish otay now.) I woke up from a dream about so many people, but I ended chasing after this one person. *_____* So pretty~!
Then, I went on the yaoi lj group and took this 'ideal man' guy quiz and thought of Duality, who made a crack to me this weekend, "What? Not young enough for you?" Just because some of us appreciate the genkiness of young people (and I'm up to par with that energy) does not mean you have to tease them. *bursts out laughing* I will always be a teenager~!
I...need chocolate...and there's no real point to this post but to say to you people who read this, "I love you~!"
I REALLY need to molest-er, hug a Takaba today...
It is just not the same when I can't hug people everyday. I feel deprived of love. *______* And eyecandy is scarce. I'm sad. That's why I've been eating ice cream. Everyday.
song of the day: secret of my heart by mai kuraki
"Can you feel my heart? Can't you see you're my dream?"
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005 at 12:14 p.m.
Finals and the 'big push' as my mentor teacher puts it. As for me, I'm refining my paper and making it somewhat comprehensible. ^^;;; I've been working on it for hours. A whole semester's worth? Am I qualified to explain about proverbs under the umbrella of metaphorical theories? *hits head on desk*
This was a DAMN, FUN paper~! I just hope my teacher sees how much I had doing it despite the fact that it's super hard for me. I only did this subject of Tagalog proverbs because of my late grandfather. And overall, I realized the great irony of doing this project: I am a 2nd generation Asian [fill in preferred gender word here] (yes, this is how I identify myself) interpreting proverbs from the country (or 2) that 'colonized' my ancestors. Logically, proverbs are culturally embedded. However, since my research paper on Baybayin indicated that Filipinos had their own thing going on before Western thought, I wonder how many of these proverbs are really 'Filipino-based'. Yes, that interesting thought occurred to me while writing my paper. My student thought (when I read another part to her, not this question I just mentioned here) my paper sounded cool. And here I read it aloud saying, "Wow. It sounds...intelligible. Almost smart, even." *blink, blink, blink*
My goal: 15-20 pages. I really want it to be thorough. He said 10, but I'll make 15 just to be safe since most research papers I've done were between 10 and 30.
song of the day: Tsubasa by Lucifer
Makoto is still so awesome to me. He may not be the best singer, but I cry whenever I hear Silent Melody. It is a powerful love song.
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005 at 02:03 a.m.
Have tons of work and need to concentrate on it. Talk to you guys later. Until then, I will not talk to anyone. Thank you.
Have a great rest of the week! ^_^
Note: If you're free, I'll talk to you on Friday, Duality.
song of the day: Shining Collection by Iceman
"Subete wa suna ni naru. Shining make you cry." Kami-sama, I love Gravi!
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005 at 12:54 p.m.
The lesson went well~! After worrying and making all those preparations for my lesson plan, everything turned out well, so I hope my grade is okay. I'm not frustrated anymore because the teacher told me why she didn't contact me or my mentor teacher. So, that's a relief. *smiles*
But I think the small price I had to pay was getting burned when I was cooking. ;_; *sighs* My beautiful skin~! *LOL* So, um 500 degrees F...yeah. Eh, as long as it doesn't hurt. ^______________^
I'm so bouncy today~! XD
song of the day: carnation crime by Lucifer
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Monday, May 9, 2005 at 01:35 p.m.
I've been racking my brain for 3 hours and still no ideas. I really need to get my papers done today because tomorrow I have to teach and tutor students. T_____T
But I did accomplish something yesterday even though I had a slight writer's block on what fanfic to write. And of course, when in doubt, go to Gravi. :D I made another Tatsuha and Ryu piece, but I like this one a lot. It is a mature Tatsu next to a confused, yet moody Ryuichi. I believe I made their characters slightly different from the way I usually like to portray them. I need conflict~! XD What's a couple without fighting?
song of the day: I woke up and had Drive Me High by Kappei-sama stuck in my head. The song's starting to grow on me.
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Sunday, May 8, 2005 at 03:10 p.m.
I just finished one class. Yea~! I finished 2 out of 5 projects. By Wednesday, I should have 4 done. Yippee~! And then go out with my friend on Thursday because he and I never hang and we only live some miles from each other. T_____T But right now, I don't know what to do. One part is telling me "Sleep, MA~!" The other part is saying, "Go OUT. GET SUN. GET RECHARGED, DAMMIT, YUI~!" ;_; Oh, decisions decisions. I should know better. I really should, but I'm really restless right now.
I want to do something besides looking at lesson plans and research papers and internet. (I love internet, but my eyes are dying on me.) I don't know where to go though. I guess I'll do what I always do, 'wing it'.
On another note, NOW I understand what I'd been reading. I was reading When a man loves a man and Irokoi (about the two prostitutes) and heard about Haru but never read it before. Now that I'm progressively reading the scanlations, I'm falling more and mroe in love with this couple. ;_; Because I'm the type that goes after tall, dark, and handsome, my preference is Iwaki-san, but Katou is SO ADORABLE. *blink blink blink* Usually blond guys are not my thing, but he's pretty cool. (Blond girls *coughsHarukacoughs* on the other hand... XD But that's beside the point.)
Peach Girl Taiwanese drama is all right. I like it okay, but the main guy bugs.
Glass Mask (the remake for 2005) is way too overdramatic. I like this title A LOT. I mean, Duality and I did a whole marathon of this. But the remake makes the characters exaggerate too much. I hope it will get better. But Hayami is as awesome as a bastard as always. *_____*
That's it for now. I'm still deciding what to do. I'm going to spazz out if I don't do something quick.
song of the day: Lucifer's Carnation Crime. I miss Makoto day. Ah hell. I miss a LOT of people day. T___T
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Saturday, May 7, 2005 at 02:57 p.m.
Simply lovely. I think this is my favorite episode so far. ^_______^ But the next one...*BLUSHES* That...that preview~! XD
I will be sad when I won't be able to download Loveless. ;_; *SIGHS* Maybe I'll beg my brother... T_______T Ritsuka~! I love you~! XD
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Friday, May 6, 2005 at 01:16 a.m.
Berkeley~! Yup, I just hopped on a Bart (with Kumagorou) and went over to Mischief Meister-san's home and hung out for the whole day. It was awesome~~! XD KYAAA~! She's SO cool! ^_________^v Needless to say, I had a great time and an awesome tour!
I was so happy to listen to her talk. She's got great stories!
But I think the most awesome thing, I felt like things were in place. It was more than knowing someone for years, but making that mutual connection and thinking, "Wow, I feel homey here." ^_________^
THANK YOU~! I'll be sure to come again~!
And now, I have Loveless 1-3 manga~! XD Right after, I walked from Chinatown to Japantown to pick it up. What a day! Even if I have a ton of homework!
song of the day: Dejavu by Dave Rodgers I had to sing THE song. ^_~
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Thursday, May 5, 2005 at 06:24 p.m.
(copyright yui / 2005)
The rain falls
in little, mini floods
and goes through a flute,
a melody
that shoots an ache
through your ears,
reverberating inside your heart.
And I see your transparent wings,
blades and feathers
mixed with red drops
to attach the mesh together
like paper mache.
You think it's funny
to smile and laugh
while tricking me in circles.
I carelessly spread my legs while
crossing them again
'cause I'm such a tease
while drinking coffee in a cafe.
Doesn't mean that I've not watched you
from behind my sunglasses.
Sucking on the tips of my reading glasses,
does this amuse you?
I pretend there's someone to wait for,
Keep on telling myself
the dead don't come back to life,
the old me will never come back
and you'll never visit me again.
And yet, I keep looking onto this
busy street,
hoping,
but I know that person won't notice me
ever again.
song of the day: gekkabijin by kazuhiko inoue-sama
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Wednesday, May 4, 2005 at 09:17 p.m.
I DON'T LIKE YUKINO. That mean, mean thing in Yakitate realllly reminds me of that...that...there is no word for it. Yeah. It's sad. When people ask me about family members, I don't even try to color it anymore by being nice. I just say, "The people that think _I'm_ a freak?"
Okay, done with that mini-heartache. Had to let it out. Phew... *channels out other bad thoughts* How do I skip the story with her in it when I'm a whore for detail??
On a happier note, YAKITATE~! Kirisaki/Meister was in this episode more than 2 minutes! Yippee~! (And no need to introduce my Ryou and his half-shirtless, almost pants-less scene repeated. *____*) And so, I will get more stuff done today! I am determined not to slack!! Go me~!
And, not so contemplative thought at just waking up an hour ago: I'm such a Soubi type. I think I'd actually shamefully LIKE being told what to do by Ritsuka. That's saying a lot, seeing as I so dislike being told what to do. *giggles* Ah, Ritsuka...
song of the day: vanilla by gackt (Is it all right to love?) and words of love by hyde-sama (Want a piece of me?)
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Tuesday, May 3, 2005 at 12:03 p.m.
These days, I've found myself to be quite unproductive. It has taken me hours to get started with stuff, especially with homework because I have to be in the mode for it. Once I'm in it, it can't be broken.
But I am always so tired because I go to sleep at anytime during the day, but can't seem to do the same (as 'normal people') at night. I am trying to keep positive though. I wonder if there is something wrong with me if I suddenly ate a lot of things for a month and now I don't feel the urge to eat anything except if someone gives me chocolate. (A good bribe, mind you.) *laughs*
There have been many things going through my mind. 1) The future. I don't know what I will do after graduation. I failed an entrance exam into one job and now I'm looking for jobs in SF, LA, or abroad. I hope to build my experience in 1 semester here in the US and then move to Asia, preferably Japan or somewhere near/in Hong Kong.
2) Socializing. I've been hanging out with different people lately. All of them are very intelligent, passionate people and I'm very happy to know them, both online and in rl. I find myself very perplexed as to how I manage to keep up a good conversation or that people seem to like me when I'm only being my hyper, odd self. Maybe people are attracted to a fast-paced person? Or someone who seems focused? I don't really know. I'm always quite lost, you see. I feign intelligence, but I guess the 'talk to me' charm has made up for a lot of things I can't seem to want to realize right now. Hey, why question a good thing anyway? I'm having lots of fun learning new things everyday.
3) Fanfics. I really can't keep up with one fandom and I'm very frustrated with the fact that I can't think of anything for TB anymore. Am I losing my touch? And time is really pressing on me. It means to sacrifice the little sleep I get as it is, but I feel so accomplished whenever I finish a fic. It is relieving. It is very fulfilling and whole to know that there are people who convert to following you. I only wish I've been a good leader? But I still feel I've a long way to go.
4) Family. Some people are not telling me the whole picture...so I know something's up. On another note, I keep on getting cuted out by children. Ah, I love those little rugrats. It fills my heart with joy to say hi to one once in a while.
5) Exercising. Due to my lack of energy (which, for some, I know means 'normal' to you, but is, for me, 'burned out'), I've neglected to get out of my apartment. I've become a recluse with only a few friends pulling me away. Or a bookstore/library with manga.
6) School. My projects are falling into place now. Right now, I will probably stay up most of the night trying to finish my project for Saturday. It's always the same thing: How can I make this lesson fun and informative for students? I wondered why my brother always wanted me to become his teacher and now I'm beginning to understand why.
7) Moving. I have to pack.
8) Burning all what's on my hd. I don't want to lose any files. Too many beautiful pictures and weird anime. ;_; I want to keep them all. I fear my comp crashing.
9) Religious stuff. I wonder if I'll be damned despite everything...I hope the new pope will bring some change within the church. Can you really be disliked for one thing despite all the good things/intentions you have? Then again, this is me. My rules don't usually coincide or other things' rules don't usually apply to me. But still... Honestly, I've thought about this.
10) My own feelings towards relationships with people. Love is driving me crazy. XD
11) My critical views on human nature and certain people. Can't I ever fight the past and win, I wonder...
12) Is this really my best? I refuse to believe it. I know I'm capable of doing so much more. But to do more would strain my body, my mind, and my heart. Not that I mind, but I've been having a little bit more health problems. Been getting stuff here and there. My side hurts, more chest pains, always sleepy, use of my inhaler more often and then passing out involuntarily... Not cool. Scary and so not cool.
And yet, I'm still trying hard. That's why I hate it when people complain and tell me, "Oh, I can't do this because it's too hard. You're too naive to understand anyway. No one can smile through hardship." The world always tries to tell me, "Be bitter" and I refuse to be raped of my own concept of freedom.
I struggle, but with little complaint. Each day, I try to put something up or share something positive. It may be naive and childish, but that doesn't mean it isn't deep. It's too easy to grumble and become consumed with negativity. I have a short life and I refuse to be negative. That's, I discovered, when I feel guilty over my own behavior: letting negativity take over my heart.
So, I'll continue to smile like a fool. I love my life despite all my physical and mental problems. My heart is always in the right place and that's all that counts. ^______________________^ And that's funny though. I write angst and people are continually shocked by it.
On another note, I'm starting to read One Piece, as I should have years ago...where to dl the anime??? ;_; I love Luffy. Aim high or die trying. Yup, that's the way I've always lived. After all, I'm a stubborn brat and scary psycho when I want something. I DEFINITELY get my way. *WINK*
song of the day: meguri aeta kiseki wo shinjite by kazuhiko inoue-sama (trans: Believing in the miracle of a destined meeting)
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Monday, May 2, 2005 at 11:37 p.m.
*SHOCKED* *sees it right in front of her RIGHT NOW* *tries to compose herself* *thanks Winnie a million fold*
I am dying right now. I will announce this elsewhere later. *jaw drops* I REALLY need to start up on other TB fics...
My number one couple is being revived~! T__________________T *WEEPS FOR JOY*
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Monday, May 2, 2005 at 08:49 p.m.
yea~! it's may 1st.
I realized when I was with my friend yesterday that I was talking about my ucla id...
...and realized that it was around one of the days, 5 years ago, my friend saved my life.
and i said, "That person is the one I super, super love."
*holds fists to the air with her eyes closed to keep from crying* i'm still alive and fighting~!
on the subway back, i thought that if i made my own philosophy or religion, i'd name it, 'counterfactualism'. i always seem to do, unintentionally, what people tell me not to do, though it seems like i'm doing exactly what's been said to be done. *LOL* maybe i'm simple-minded, but i realized another important thing today: i can't stand dishonest people.
if someone can't fight me in an honest way, they're not worth my anger, time, or effort.
Phew~! i had to get that out. *smiling again*
right now, i REALLY need to badly molest hug a Takaba~...
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Sunday, May 1, 2005 at 12:11 a.m.
ah~! i feel accomplished!
I still have some very important things to do, but I accomplished a lot today~! XD I got enough sleep! *shock, shock* I've eaten a lot~! 2 days of ice cream in a row with Chinese food and In-n-Out burger! *cheers* I did some of my important homework~! I know what the hell to do with my papers~! Finally~!
And please notice, it is May 1st tomorrow. I'm out of a slu-ump~! I'm out of a slu-ump~! *does a little dance*
So, I'm very happy today. And randomly, I thought of some names/titles have people called me (not including the insults):
hyper midget, Belldandy, dwarf, Hey you~!, it's you~! oh my god~!, goddess, mistress of metaphors, genki ball, 1/1, the leggo man, sunshine, sun, krystal, Emily, Subaru/Su-chan, Ran, uke, seme, beautiful, cute, too honest for your own good, too genki for your own good, angel, onee-chan/onee-sama, sempai, kohai, sister, the smart one, the weirdo, the only you, candy, an evil woman, yaoi lover, TB collector, Kawaii Lady, my reflection, my other half, I don't have a name for you, geek, nerd, walking dictionary, angst writer, yui-sama, yui-chan, MA-chan, the only person whose energy can light up Las Vegas by herself, baby, Video Girl Ai/Ai-chan, bishounen lover/hunter, the girl with that yaoi collection, Kirby or Kirby's not so famous cousin, the one that smiles a lot...
and my favorites are what my family calls me and carnivorous Ryuichi.
song of the day: Dejavu
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Saturday, April 30, 2005 at 09:59 p.m.
Viewfinder 5. T_____________________T
OMG~! I'm gushing. Talked to one person about it and just two things: Nnngh (hot damn sexy bastards with suits on) and AWWWWWW/ACCCKKKKK *tears in her eyes*.
The only way to get through 'impenetrable Asami' is through his love Takaba. *________________* If I didn't like Fei, Asami the sex god, and Takaba so much, I wouldn't know there was another way to fuckin' fall in love with them even more. But that last chapter really, REALLY killed me.
Now, I REALLY want the artbook and the manga...
Damn it all. Because of 'too much sexual content', the Japanese bookstores have held back about 98 percent of yaoi books and some shounen magazines like where Tsubasa's published. ;_;
I...need...to go to a used manga bookstore...*crawling*
Going back to sleep now.
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Saturday, April 30, 2005 at 09:12 a.m.
The craziness that is MA.
My insomnia and stubborness is a curious thing and I was quite amused. My body now thinks that it should totally wake up and stay up to sunlight. My mind says that it can totally stay awake throughout the night. Thus, I stayed up to 8am in the morning on Thursday and thus took continuous naps all day. And now, I've been working on my homework since 8pm, with a good 1/2 hr. break to help me by. Once I get started, I am all right. It's just trying to start that kills me because I try to multi-task, doing all things at once, little day-by-day.
But I didn't feel tired all day. To tell the truth, my lethargy left today, temporarily. *smiles*
However, my mini rant is that I am quite displeased with the predicament of an event at school. Okay, there are 16 weeks in a semester (which I'm still not used to since mentally I work on a 10 wk. schedule, getting a semester's reading done in 5 weeks for all classes) and I had met with one of my professors who is supposed to be my supervisor for student teaching this semester. I wrote one or two emails after that one meeting on week 2 and no response. My mentor teacher calls and leaves emails and no response. I write another email. I even make a note that I physically give to the department secretary and still, no response. Now, 12 weeks later, she says that she's coming to observe me in a week and a half. Yeah, that's cool and everything, but she expects me to spurt out a lesson plan (thank God my wonderful mentor teacher is helping me and she thinks I am her co-teacher in this comp class *SO HAPPY*). Then, she'll see me execute that lesson plan and base my whole grade on just that one time. How about I messed up as opposed to all those times I did well earlier? ;_______________________________; Okay, I'm more frustrated and weeping here than mad, but get what I mean?
On another note, I've been doing translations since I've been determined to get my Japanese up to par to what it's supposed to be. I think I am pathetic right now when it comes to translating. *sighs* I know what everything means, but I can't express it. I feel like the first time I learned how to write an essay in hs. Well, I randomly translated a One Piece dj that had Luffy bedding Zoro (hilarious, mind you) and then I'm currently working on translating Tragic Flaw for PoT. Also, now, I volunteered for FFIV. I'm just happy I get to help out in some way. LJ communities have some really not so nice and EXTREMELY wonderful, generous people. T_____________T I feel terrible as a someone who contributes so little when I'm able to get so much. I hope the fanfics help, though they are not enough.
I hope to be of use someday. *smiles* I'm having a fun time, a renewed obsession on the net like when I first started learning the internet. I sound like a kid with candy and I am.
Ah, beautiful April is almost over and my moods will be a little bit more stabilized. I can't wait for it. Thank you for being patient with me and bearing my moodiness with me. ^______________^
Sometimes, I wonder about my sunny disposition. But it works. Who can't resist smiling at a shiny Kirby? (Maybe I understand a little of what you said sweetie, about not knowing that I do what I do.)
I've been stressed because of many things, but I'm trying hard. That's all that matters, but I've got to smile through it all. That, if not anything else, I can do best. I never got that until so many people kept on telling me, "You have a nice, bright smile". I hope I'm addicting! XD
song of the day: risky game by kazuhiko inoue-sama
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Friday, April 29, 2005 at 01:51 a.m.
I feel accomplished, but not for school. ^^;;;
I finished a Viewfinder fic with the two brothers Yan and Fei Long. I wanted to do Fei Long because I've become very infatuated with him (and his long hair, though I shouldn't be so envious). It is called 'a place where I shouldn't be' because it reflects how I've perceived their relationship. I'm glad it came out the way I wanted. A little awkward, but I really wanted to make a Yan that people could like, even a little.
I'm such a weirdo. I always want to make the psycho more comprehensible and bloody or a character we love to dislike into someone we could empathize with. Hey, I am mortal and I might as well use this time to contribute to fandoms with all my love.
I will get things done...as soon as I finish sleeping more. *laughs* Have a wonderful day! My angst has temporarily been quenched and let out by this fic.
song of the day: gravity of love (the loveless amv I'm totally in love with)
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Thursday, April 28, 2005 at 12:40 p.m.
Still feeling lethargic, but kirby can't be held down for too long.
Yes, I've taken about 2-3 naps today. This isn't good. I don't know why my body's feeling so out of whack. (At least I'm not sick? But my mom, roommate, and classmates told me today, "Are you all right?") Combine this with the fact that I went to sleep 'early' at 2am AND I set up my alarm incorrectly. Apparently, my body knew that it was time to get up at 8:37am. *laughs* So, I rushed through the morning. I had a class this afternoon, but no matter what, these past two weeks have been painstakingly difficult. I feel tired all the time. I honestly don't know what's wrong. (And the mosquitoes keep eating me, so it looks like my flesh has been sucked out and there are big red spots all over my legs and arms. ^^;;; Thank god they're going away a little... << So, I've been wearing pants. PANTS. Do I like pants?! Too much clothing makes me feel very warm.)
The cute turtle that I am, my work is getting done little by little. Slowly, but surely, things are starting to get done. I just have to do those four projects along with the new ones. *winces*
But I am working as hard as I can! (And eating a ton since I'm all nervous over all the stress. My body has come to the stage of having a hard time gaining weight. I can finally eat anything with no problem! XD) ^_______^ I hope everyone's doing well.
Nothing much but joining some cool lj communities and thinking of new fics. I wish I could do multi-chaps, but my attention span and time won't allow me to.
I won't give up. *SMILES* I always get what I want!!!! C'mon May...you're almost here.
song of the day: drive me high by kappei-sama
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005 at 11:43 p.m.
I am currently fangirling...and I'm doing homework!
Okay, so I finally get around to doing homework. A nice hot shower in the middle of the day was good. *sighs in relief* I was happy to get out and go to the gym today! (Yui has to work out!) But anyways, here I am nice and rested after a nap. I'm doing my homework and I decide to listen to the Kazuhiko Inoue-san songs I dl'd from Aja-san's lj. *_________* (Okay, it was a Gravi entry with KAPPEI'S NEW SONG. T_____________________________________________T) And now, getting past that, I'm dying here with Kazuhiko Inoue-san. *_________* I mean, I love Kappei-sama, Seki-sama, and Koyasu-sama. They are my favorites above everyone! But Kazuhiko Inoue's the ONLY one that makes me go 'Damn, speaking to me again, baby.' *is definitely turned on* And now, hearing him sing all these cheesy romantic songs...not my style, but DAMN. I'M. IN. LOVE. He sounds so...uke-ish. *is currently dying* (Well, not as bad and shotaishly young as when Kappei plays Ran. *___*)
Okay, I'm going back to doing one of my four main projects due at the end of May.
On another note, thank you sweetie for the Kizuna scanlation. I believe that is now my favorite part. (I love Masa x Kai's moment together. I'd been waiting to see that for almost 5 years until someone put it up on yaoi_daily.) That baby was so cute~! I really love children. I try not to gush over them as much as I inwardly do because...well, it makes me sad that I don't have a child. And there are people who have them that don't want them...anyway, we'll not dwell on these facts until I'm 30.
song of the day: random mp3s of Kazuhiko Inoue-sama
Oh yeah...talk to me again. (Know why I love Kakashi now?)
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005 at 08:08 p.m.
T__________T TAKUMI~!
My poor baby. I'm lethargic again. Can't go take a nap and I'm too tired to study so I watch Initial D. (I need a bad smut fic now.) My POOR TAKUMI is feeling LONELY?!?! (Ryousuke or Keisuke just confess that you love him already! *laughs*) But I understand the frustration so well because I think I'm at that point right now. However...*heart dies* when he's pouting, it looks so deep and sad...guh. I'm gushing right now 'cause ya all know he's my perfect husband guy (next to Hibiki-sensei and Ichi-san).
Still, I'm a little disappointed by Keisuke's race because it seems everyone's always focusing on Takumi's stuff, but if it weren't for him, Takumi wouldn't feel half as motivated to do what he does in order to 'keep up'. *snuggles Kei-chan* You are well-loved by your harsh brother, but that was harsh on Kyouko. Except, I understand he has to be 'single-minded' for his goal to beat Takumi. <.< I am the same way...
Going back to Takumi, I never get enough of Bunta's teasing guidance. (I still think Bunta's hot stuff 'cause I'm nutty that way.) But Takumi is always thinking and I like that. And he actually talked about his thinking process that I was dying 'cause he was becoming more and more 'himself' but with Ryousuke's intellectual vocabulary. *____* I know explaining my fascination with him is odd, but I find that he's very deep even though he's quiet. He speaks up when he has to and he's very stubborn and determined once he has his mind made up. He learns whatever he can and harnesses his talents. He's not perfect because his quietness is sometimes to his disadvantage, but I still think that he's so great. I would simply have a heart attack if I ever met someone like that. It's sad, but innocent, whole-hearted guys are dying out as we speak. (I'm getting irritated with ones being nice for 'ulterior motives'. I may be naive, but it's not like I can't see through people. I'm a writer and I write about _characters_ because that's all I know how to do. And we'll end it at that.)
Guh. I fangirled from the moment it showed a rumpled Takumi.
We should just be glad that there are no such boys like Takumi on this planet...
...but I'm a bit sad about that. Who wouldn't want to bear a child with a man like that? I want to bear your child, Takumi~!
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Monday, April 25, 2005 at 04:27 p.m.
In between all the madness.
I think I'm utterly crazy. Or rather, even though I sit in front of my computer most of the days of my existence, it still boggles on how much I 1) have become lazy, 2) don't have enough time to do anything, and 3) feel overwhelmed by everything. Do I simply plan more than is humanly possible? These days, I barely get anything truly done, or is it because there's just so much I want to accomplish?
Right now, I'm doing homework. I've emailed some people about various subjects both academic and nonacademic, tried to figure out when to register for class, somewhat update my webpage with two items, emailed my father my vacation schedule, graded papers, looked at one of my classes, forums, read some yaoi, did my short text analysis, went to the grocery, and went to church today. All of that is out of order, but I've still these final projects to do. *sighs* I feel like a turtle. It takes me forever to finish anything now. Am I not efficient? But I guess slowly, but surely it will get done. I just wish I can get enough sleep. ;_; *cries*
But on a happier note (I really dislike myself when I complain...it sounds so dumb and whiny ^^;;;), I'm having a blast. Even if I'm doing homework and feel I didn't get stuff done today, I hope to make progress. v^^v I was sleeping on Friday afternoon and vegging out all night. I hung out with Duality on Saturday. ^________________^ Food, karaoke, and more food. Plus all the talking. *laughs* We had to remind ourselves that we had other stuff to do. But all in all, I love our talks. I always ALWAYS learn new things and perspectives. One of the things that I was thinking in the back of my head when I wasn't living with her anymore was, "Are we growing apart? There are some things I don't understand and I'm still not used to telling my problems even if I tell her everything." And even if I am a critical person in my head, I always push these thoughts out because I know much better. Then, after two years in SF, I finally realized, "No. We are on different roads, but we always come back to meet each other at some point. We just become stronger and deeper."
I was a little silently sorry for thinking, "Someone asked me what a best friend was and I was so mad at that person asking such a thing to me, who was supposed to be her best friend. And then I find out, there are some things I still didn't truly understand until now." And when I thought about it some more, I realized that one of the differences between the 'myself' of yesterday and the one of today was: trust. I do trust people, but there was some part of myself I didn't trust. All that ugly stuff we push away. And there was part of the overall truths I'd been searching all my life. Until now and maybe forever, there will be that part of me that will think, "I am not worthy. I don't see myself as worthy of this wonderful person."
It's a scary thought, don't you think? That someone would love and trust you enough to bring them some part of their overall happiness in the world? (Maybe that's one of my underlying fears of 'love' itself.) Then, you realize that that wasn't true and you become happy, scared, teary-eyed, and relieved all at the same time. But I do believe in the words people tell me, especially my friends and the people that love me and everyone I love.
It's like trying my best to be the awesomest teacher/daughter/student/whatever. I'm scared of my own expectations because they're so high. And while I don't care of other people's opinions, I don't want to disappoint the ones that have trusted me with a piece of their happiness...
...and then I talked with Duality and figured out: You just have to be you, don't you know that? You're so stupid sometimes for worrying the way you do about things that shouldn't really matter or can be dealt with later. As long as your heart is in the right place and you don't deceive people with your honest intentions, then half of the battle has been won. Now, onto conquer the rest of that, which is all up to you, right?
I've grown up a little again. I'm not announcing it frivolously to prove anything like some people. I'm just saying I'm happy to be me. ^^v
Now to work on those extra pounds I gained from eating too much over the past month...*lol*
song of the day: dancing all alone by smile d.k.
"Maybe you don't love me anymore. Foolish me thinking we would last forever."
It's delusional, yet sweet to think this way. I think it's hard to think so optimistically, but I believe I'm strong enough to see it through. I just can't believe I like hurting myself. *lol* Because I know I really feel it. But, I'd like to think that the people I am with are with me as long as they will let me be with them.
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Sunday, April 24, 2005 at 08:30 p.m.
Humor me. ^________________^
I've gotten addicted to this weird song that makes me think of Soubi and Ritsuka. *LOL* Just read the lyrics and you'll know what I mean.
Strange Disease
by PROZZAK
A little sexual frustration
Combined with lack of motivation
And a loss of concentration
I've got a strange disease
I can't concentrate on work
My libido's gone berserk
Now I'm sweating through my shirt
I've got a strange disease
Two weeks ago
You said you'd never leave me
And here I am alone
And in this world of reckless happenstance
Why do good things have to go away
And leave you with nothing
Ya, you left me with nothing
Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah
And a strange disease
wee ooo wee ooo
Hyper emotional sensations
Sent via television stations
Unaffected by locations
I've got a strange disease
I can't seem to get to sleep
I don't want nothing to eat
Walking up and down your street
I've got a strange disease
[Minnie Mae]
Why did you have to put so much pressure on me?
You pushed my heart away
[Simon]
I didn't mean to scare you little one
Is there nothing I can say?
Don't leave me with nothing
Ya you left me with nothing
Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah
And a strange disease
wee ooo wee ooo
Now I'm standing in the rain
Water soaking through my brain
Every droplet speaks your name
And it's driving me insane
I don't want to go to work
My libido's gone berserk
I don't want nothing to eat
Walking up and down your street
But only two weeks ago
You said you'd never leave me
And here I am alone
And in this world of reckless happenstance
Why do good things have to go away?
And leave you with nothing
Ya you left me with nothing
Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah
And a strange disease
wee ooo wee ooo
Oh, and 'strange disease' is 'heartbreak' or 'love, isn't it? Eh, same thing. :p I was just greatly amused because it's so weird and cute. Then the 'wee ooo' part sounds like an ER van. *laughs*
But overall, doesn't it sound kind of like a stalker song? I know this is on crack, but I love this song!
I have a million projects, but I'm going to have fun today! Good Japanese food, pretty boys (hopefully), and Duality. I could ask for more, but I don't wanna. ^____________^ It's easy to make me very happy. ^_~v
Going back to Loveless. Dude, I can't believe I went through life without knowing this title, and in a course of 2 weeks, I've made 3 fics. ^^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; The latest one is with Soubi's POV, but I have an easier time with Ritsuka. Ritsuka...
*drool*
He just begs to be kissed. <.< I love you~!
But I still think the best ukes are Riki, Naoya, Izumi, TB Subaru, Ran *thinks of that first Sukisyo ep*, Takaya and Takaba. Oh yeah, the ever-crying Ayase. I really can't resist ukes that have that 'I'm gonna cry' or 'I'm gonna seduce you' look. *hits head on desk* And you can probably imagine that I equally think their semes are awesome. They are. But Asami's the sex god. ^^v And thus, the other links to my site are under my other name 'asami's toy'. ^_~
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Saturday, April 23, 2005 at 11:42 a.m.
I have to say it...
Loveless on the brain again...
Fuckin' a! XD What the hell have I come to? Okay, I can go to sleep...maybe. He's so cool! *______* (Another man to drool over: The captain in Harlem Beat. Ah, the world with
Ritsuka~~!!! You are so precious. I just wanna hug him 'cause he's always fighting with himself. As with Ayase from Okane ga nai, 'why does a pretty, crying boy make such a wonderfully beautiful 'come-inducing' uke?' *goes off into a corner to punish herself again for being so awful* *BLUSHES MADLY* *sighs* *falls asleep while kissing a Kumagorou*
*mumbles* 'cause I always fall in love with things, and especially people, I shouldn't have...
I love to hurt myself 'cause there's no other way to deal with...
...
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Friday, April 22, 2005 at 02:09 a.m.
temporarily out to say: my brother!
Today is my Cloud's b-day. ^______^ I luv you~!
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Thursday, April 21, 2005 at 12:07 a.m.
Sorry to be anti-social, but I'll be out for the next few days.
I have a lot of grading and final project preparations to do. And in between, I must try to get as much sleep/as many naps as I can. When all appeared to be going well, I suddenly had a slight asthma attack in class and almost passed out. Needless to say I spoke too soon about being physically well *sighs*, I really need to catch some rest. Any kind, anywhere, anytime, as much as possible. Sorry about any inconvenience this may cause anyone. ^^;;; (Asking to not worry won't do crap for my case right now, so I'm not even trying.)
Oooh...I'm so mad and upset with myself. I get things done and I'm very independent and determined, but episodes like these disprove this very characteristic I pride myself in. Why is my persistence to live different from my body's? Is it because I abuse myself? I didn't even do a 1/4 of the stuff I usually do in the past 2 weeks in order to be 'rested', but my insomnia totally killed me until 4am everyday for 2 whole months. *sighs* I...what I need is...
Seriously, my body, my mind, and my soul are so erratic that I can't function properly at all. I'll be back when I'm 'okay' again. ^^;;;; But I refuse to be critical and negative. I shall try my best to understand the situation and contemplate on the most optimal, healthy solution. ^____^ FAI-TO!
song of the day: none 'cause she's reading a very cute shouta story... My chest hurts. It's so sad and beautiful at the same time. Blond ukes are so cute...
My fascination with 15-17 year olds is becoming quite disturbing...'cause they're so adorable. T_T C-can't resist cuteness...*WEAK* I just like watching people, but scared to death of doing anything. ^^;;; I'll smile, but I won't talk to anyone... I feel so guilty 'cause I'm old. T____T
It's like asking Happosai to live without women's underwear. It SO ain't happenin'. Someone kill me if it comes to that.
*kisses Kumagorou's nose* You're more than enough, my bunny~! ^_^
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Monday, April 18, 2005 at 01:10 p.m.
I'll get to hw after this.
^________________________^ I'll continue to be moody, but today has been fun so far. I went to the sakura festival. I always love going with different people because the feel is different. Of course for me, I don't get tired of doing things as long as I can always play around with the perspective I give to them.
I have a lot of homework right now, but I'd like to say that there was this one band playing in the festival. I fell IN LOVE with them. I don't know their name. Don't know where they came from. The singer can sing so well! It has been SO long since I've heard someone sing from their heart and not for attention or doing a half-ass job. I wish they had a cd. They captured me so much that I just had to go as close to the stage as possible. The guys were pretty cool and played really, really well. The singer is not that cute, but he is a handsome guy, exuded COOLNESS. If there are such things as love at first sight, I think this situation may fall into that category. There was something magical in that band. I will remember this forever. That singer had me totally dying as if Ryuichi were on stage. *______* Let's just say I had to stand there for two minutes and pry myself away from shamelessly staring at the singer in the eye. I may have ignored Kappei-sama if I heard his voice in that small space of time. *blink, blink* Understand my fascination now? *blink, blink, blink* *shivers* What an experience...
It's like when I go to church. I miss Celeste/Celine (I have no idea what her name is). She was a girl who sang as a cantor for the UCLA catholic chapel. Part of my motivation to get up early and go to church was to hear her. She had the most amazing voice. Until now, I always seek her and I am happy to have heard her. She didn't exaggerate technique, but was very humble. Beautiful too because she sang telling you she LOVED it. I really miss that. I really do. So, today's band really did it for me. I want a cd or something of their music.
Technique can only get you so far. Love is what counts to me. (*sighs* I miss Utada's gusto when she first started. You can hear it in her voice. I listen to Automatic, Never Let Go, and First Love every year.)
I wonder if I have been able to communicate that in my own writing. I write angst because that's when I feel it the most. That is when I am most myself. I am a masochist, but that doesn't stop me from smiling at people. So whenever I meet someone that tells me to some extent, "That person shouldn't be able to smile through all that pain," I don't say anything. To me, the dynamic is that because they have been able to move onward, they can smile. It isn't that they've forgotten, they just won't let it slow them down.
I am a dreamer. I am a fighter. I am a believer of my own
power. <--a self-motto I've come to live by
Oh yeah, bishounen hunt today - success! ^_^v So what if it's an awful reason to go to matsuri? As I said, "I go for two things: Good food and eyecandy. Bishounen usually come out at night and hide during the day. They'll come out during the day for this." ^__________________^ No, it isn't wrong to go and 'see' someone who works at a certain place.
song of the day - gravity by luna sea
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Sunday, April 17, 2005 at 07:46 p.m.
SHIN~!
He POUTED when Yankumi's omiai went well! *LOL* He's got one of the best smirks. *_* I still like ep 9 for having Kumiko in a cheerleading uniform. *DROOL* But still, I feel bad for her. People keep on saying she'd be rejected by the guy. *lol* (Seems like a chapter from my life. *LOL*)
You know things are bad when you take a love fortune from your brother (I read palms and he's the crazy, accurate love fortune teller) weeks ago to reveal many interesting things, both what you knew, what you didn't know, and what you wished you really didn't know. --;;; I feel for Kumiko.
^_____^ I need to...get out of my low. I don't like my body being out of whack. ;_; When will May come?
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Sunday, April 17, 2005 at 12:37 a.m.
i'm really honoured. *blush*
I always check if I missed a site that I'm on but didn't mark in my blog. ^^;;; And I noticed that I was in a Gravi C2 community. I clicked. *blink, blink, blink* I'm in another Gravi C2 community. I was curious as to if I was in X too. *blinkblinkblink* I'm there too. *________*
I still wonder why people read my weird fics, but hey, it's all good. *smiles* I still feel that I've not contributed very much though, except in Gravi. I wish I could be better in the TB/X fandom. But overall, I'm happy about things like this.
Writing keeps me sane and balanced and calm. I love it with all my heart, no matter what anyone says.
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Sunday, April 17, 2005 at 12:09 a.m.
ah, the benefits of having a red face!
*laughs* I'm tipsy~! Sake is good, sake is good. *sing, sing* I think I wanted to because I'm super moody towards depressed. *lol* But I picked up the latest chapter of Loveless. ^______^
Things are just weird. I don't understand anything right now.
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Saturday, April 16, 2005 at 10:49 p.m.
THANK YOU, SWEETIE~!
Have to run now, but thank you thank you thank you~! ^______^v I love you~!
Let's forget ALL pretenses. I WANT YOU.
Saturday, April 16, 2005 at 04:43 p.m.