i've not had a break since saturday night...
been doing so much homework, but despite all the times i get sick off and on due to fatigue or overwork, i'm having a lot of fun. i've realized a lot of things during my 'ponderings' and so i've come back to my genki self: the sunshine. i like sun. it gives warm kisses to everything. ^_^ why am i genki? well, as much as i am quiet about my opinions, i know i've got to learn to really come out of the fanfics and tell people what i feel and think. i want to get closer to the people i know and close to those that i want to get to know. sure, it sucks to hurt and give yourself at the expense of being rejected, but what the hell. i'm getting to the point that even though i don't understand some social conventions, i don't give a damn. i've only come to terms with them because stupid people discriminated against me trying to mold me into what they think i am or should be. and i've not ever liked that. if i don't like something, i'll speak up. just because something is uncomfortable doesn't necessarily mean that it's bad or shouldn't be talked about or that's just the way it's been, it means a change. and a person can try their best to adjust to what that change will be.
i thought about how kind my friends and family are, how much they love me, and how much i love them. i'm always surprised by how much more kind they are (even though some won't admit it) in the weirdest times. but all in all, i'm deeply touched by them. and i wonder if it's because of all the time, effort, and love i gave, this is just their way of telling me they love me. have i been that kind, compassionate, and patient too and that's why they are like that? i've always wanted to become closer with people that i admire in some way and sometimes i fail to see that they admire me until they tell me so.
though i'm more confident than i was years ago, i've got a long way to go. but i know i'm heading there. when i feel that i've done a good job, when a teacher tells me i've got a knack for teaching, when i dress up for school and feel presentable, when people go out of their way to look at you, when i present an idea or thought i've never shared before with anyone, when someone tells me i'm brave to say a story or opinion that i wouldn't say...i'm growing more sure of myself everyday even though there are still more doubts that come up. gradually, i'm becoming the person i've always wanted to be. i just hope to be more patient, kind, and understanding with the injustices in the world and the ones i put in my own mind. living everyday has always been a struggle for me and an endurance test, but as long as i push through, i'm sure i'll find something that i want, need, and keep.

song of the day: ayumi's we wish (trance mix)

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Thursday, November 18, 2004 at 11:42 a.m.

i'm so energized!
went around downtown today with an old friend. it's weird that we never really hung out before, but it was so great! we ate at chinatown and even took a tour around the bay, then we went back by cable car. i'm at the point that i'm thinking of just settling here in SF, if ever. *winces* ( i wanna teach at chinatown and if i need to runaway from home...i can just mosey onto duality's for comfort...*LOL*) that's how beautiful everything was! ^_^v --;; well, that and the fact that i ate all the dark chocolate pretzels and bought a PS backpack (I decorated it with Nittle Grasper and Kuma says hi to everyone) made me SUPER HYPER GENKI! *_* I love the playstation store! That's my playground! I'm really a five-year-old, aren't I? I don't give a damn. When you can get away with things 'cause you're told you're cute, I won't question miracles. (And it's sad when you make buddies at a shop. You go there too much. I said I was thinking of working there, and my buddy, well, he encouraged me. ^^;; goes to show how much i love that store and when people can recognize what you bought months ago, there's something definitely wrong. *lol*)

song of the day: damaged by plummet

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Tuesday, November 16, 2004 at 12:56 a.m.

injustice!
viz? viz?! how could you translate the most important scene of manga volume 16 of x that way?!?! i just skipped right to the part where seishirou...yeah...um...you know. ;_; --;;; *sighs* i ended up leaving borders 'cause i was annoyed.

i. hate. being. sick. i've too many things to do than be sick. *sighs* life...

song of the day: blame by l'arc

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Friday, November 12, 2004 at 10:14 p.m.

...koto ga dekiru.
yea~! i found time to write!
well, i pushed everything aside. i'm actually quite brain dead. i did six different lesson plans and a handout for each yesterday. i did a lot of homework. but since it's been extended, i'm going to take a day off and cram all that other hw tomorrow. i hope i'll be able to do a fic this weekend though. it's almost sei-chan's b-day.
topics have been raised in my class today. i've been thinking about immigration and racism, in different sessions, of course. it made me think of a lot of things. i guess i'm really proud of my parents then. i don't ever recall them saying anything of not talking to certain people. so, i guess, i sometimes don't know common knowledge about society that maybe i should be aware of. it's weird.
i just wanted to say thank you to whomever reads this. i never thought anyone would be interested in any of my thoughts. i feel empowered in a way and honored that you take your time to read. i hope that these insights are helpful in some way.
which goes onto my slight transition into l'arc. all week i've been listening to dif. albums, but among them, 'tierra'. i have to say i love the older l'arc songs. i loved EVERYTHING. it's very raw. though i love hyde-sama's singing now, i don't like all the songs on their new albums. 3 at most, if lucky. l'arc to me always represents something ordinary in some contorted way. what is happy can be sad. what is sad can be made happy. what is interesting is given more perspectives and points to be something you've never seen or experienced before. that is why i love this group. i just wish they could be happy. for me, someone who has been listening to them since 1998, it's hard to hear them without feeling sad. they don't look like they're having fun anymore and it's showing through their music. the emotion isn't as strong as it usually is, though there is that occassional song to push forth.

i wonder why do i feel like a foreigner in my own native language. when my deepest feelings come out, they're not in English anymore. they're in French, Japanese, Chinese, and Tagalog. i guess it's because of a number of things in high school, but now, it all comes down to saying things in a 'foreign language' and it reaching more than my own words in English. am i not challenged anymore? (which is why i don't prefer to sing in English, but try to practice Tagalog or Japanese instead). no, that can't be it. i feel that because the language from my innermost feelings were never intelligible to me, so it will remain 'foreign'. the feel is the same, but there are no true words to express them.

album of the week: tierra by l'arc

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Wednesday, November 10, 2004 at 10:39 p.m.

sorry if i'll be absent for a while.
as of the moment, i've got 4 major projects due that need a lot of my attention. have i started? only two. do i know what the hell to do with the others? we'll think of something creative. happy that Dr. Porter (whom i admire tremendously) told me i am a natural teacher. i was so happy i wanted to cry. i thought i was useless to my profession. ;_;
well, didn't do anything but read today. unfortunately, i wanna read more but my project (one of 'em)...i've reach the limit i can read. ^^;; and then it's really cold today and i wondered why did i feel warm all day. well, duh, went i went out for a brief walk, i discovered that i had a fever. ^_^ ^^;;; whoopee. why am i sick again?!?!?!?! "...?!" and to top things off, borders has started a small thing about not letting people read manga. and the fact that i'm broke and can't find clamp no kiseki 3 adds to my heartbreak. i shall go into a little corner and do homework and distract myself. too much on my mind, too much to handle. i think i'm learning to disassociate my mind and my body again from my experiences. not good. the rei ayanami complex has struck again.
boy do i need to find an upper and quick! i don't like all this negativity. it really does bother my sunshine self!

song of the day: dive to blue by l'arc

from my l'arc fic 'ningen':
I kept on singing with all the songs filled with all my bitterness, love, pain, and passion. With all my smiles and my cries, I was able to reach more than I had ever expected.

And through this, I was able to remember the days before I came into the world.

Yes, we fell to Earth at different times, and I chose to walk. It was much more difficult than I expected, but it was fun, Sakura. There were many things to touch and to feel and you can’t do that when you’re flying and watching over everyone and everything.
I hated not being able to touch and feel anything. That’s what you don’t comprehend about me.

I may only be able to get so far with my feet, but through my voice…

I’ll fly as far as I can go.
I’ll touch a place no one ever can.

Isn’t that what you meant, Sakura?
That’s what I want to believe.

Even when I feel like my hands are tied behind my back and my eyes are blindfolded, I can still speak and sing what’s deep inside. No one can stop the heart and its words. Painful as they are to hear, I can touch the silent people’s hearts with the honesty that I can’t hide inside myself.

Their broken hearts and dreams…
They can be recreated.

That’s what I learned when I became
human.

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Saturday, November 6, 2004 at 09:59 p.m.

this is one of those days...
...which i bring kumagorou all over with me. he's saying hi from my bag. need i explain more about my day?



i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Thursday, November 4, 2004 at 10:42 a.m.

*laughs* i should know better...
Remember that little joke about being third in line and me controlling the weather? Now the weather's all weird and it's pouring over here in SF off and on. ^^;;; Well, things are going all right, I guess. I'm trying to keep positive as I go along. I'm getting stuff done, but I've been neglecting other things as well in order to get those things done. ^^;;
Summation of this past weekend: I'm tired, but it was fun. Yaoi con and Halloween. Whoo boy...that was a real teaser.

And not to mention that I've been watching Mirage of Blaze over and over and over...and over... *_* @_@ ;_; Pauvre Naoe! Takaya-san wa kawaisou nanoda! * winces * I can't breathe when I watch the ova and so I have to leave for a moment. It's really intense. I think my favorite part is when Takaya's on the bed and shouts, "Don't touch me!" Very powerful stuff, I tell you. And that look on Naoe's face. But I have to say that overall, this is one of the best ovas or animations I've ever seen. The scenes are so beautiful and it blends in well. There are different styles of drawing, presentation, and representation. I cannot get enough of the pretty colors or the impressionistic type of art or making ancient woodblock form into modernism. (I love art, as you can tell. I love art history even more. Don't get me started with talking about Mary Cassatt or 'Impression sunrise' or the difference between neoclassical and the renaissance periods...)

song of the day: hyde-sama's words of love. "Wanna piece of me?"

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Wednesday, November 3, 2004 at 06:47 p.m.

i wonder...
"As inconsistent as the moon or the years may be,
I know how I am.

I will change,
but my feelings will stay the same. As always.
They’ll just grow deeper roots.

Year after year, becoming more beautiful in the spring;
dying more elegantly in the autumn.

And for me,
you won’t age at all.

You’ll always be the same as in my memory.

But I know people must change and their feelings will change too.
That’s what I fear most of all.

It’s not that I don’t trust you…

…it’s that time and circumstances can make you do some strange things.

And more than anything, if you left me alone, I’ll be sure to come back to kill myself over and over looking for you…
…or I’ll hopelessly wait for your return.

That’s just how it is.

That’s just how much I can’t tell you,
of how much you mean to me.

Will I always stare at you from the back, Akira?"

i wonder why of all days, today is the day that this comes back to haunt me. as things come to eclipse over one another and overlap in a way that becomes both clear and misconscrued (i can't spell that), i find myself drowning in my thoughts, feelings, and work. i wonder when i started asking God, 'give me one day to grieve. let me be weak one day. and then i'll be strong again the next. just give me one day, today, to grieve for what i've lost and gained.' i wonder why i'm stubborn to stick and wish and go after challenging things and people that i know i can't ever reach. and yet, i still try. whether idealistic, childish, foolish, or passionate, i am the person i chose to become. and i must stick by that and change only for the better.

but give me one day. one day to be weak and cry and go down on my knees and shout inhumanly to the world of all the sorrow that i can't seem to contain at this moment. (why don't i have a 2 hours to write this into a fic? *sighs*) i just want to cry, but i'm too prideful for that.

songs of the day with translations of fav. lines: kodoku ("for the person i love, i will continue living"), shallow sleep ("there is no colour. a colourless landscape"), and naturally ("sadness is not losing completely, and even, only a more beautiful thing.")

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Monday, November 1, 2004 at 03:46 p.m.

overworked...
i wonder how many social roles i have to fulfill before i am able to just take a break for one day. it's a funny thing to mention on this board, but i never thought that the reason why i'm overwhelmed, or somewhat, is because of the fact that i take things so seriously. people often question why i put my effort into every little thing i do and i say that it's because i need to, or else i'd regret at not having to and i get great satisfaction from doing my absolute best.
i love life. i've always loved the power to live and the drive. yesterday, in one class, i had to describe myself. we were supposed to teach according to our positionality. and even though i don't do the whole chameleon thing in which i adhere to someone else's needs and become the person they want me to be, i found myself stuck and overwhelmed. why? i like pushing the limits. i like people to come out of their comfort zones. i'm young, but i'm not unexperienced, so don't treat me like a child. i think about money to get by and other things you need to get on with life, but i didn't ever think of anyone according to ethnicity, gender, class, and such. i just love people for their personalities. dude, my blood even makes me a universal donor. *lol* i wonder if i'm wrong not to know minor details and always just go for the general until i want to know the details. but i've to learn to comfort and be there for people when they need me, and not when i'm ready. i've been selfish and that is someone i must improve inside of myself.
my brother asked me about the way he dressed. (he and i dress like punks. depending on the mood, it's black or white. for me, black's for edward and subaru.) i told him it's all about attitude. 40 percent's on the outfit but 60 percent's on the attitude that you display and that's what draws people to look and make their comments. i've seen people dress well and in designer names, but never get complimented while i see my best friend niko always getting comments because she has her own style. (she has the best closet! *_* i'm jealous! ^_^v) i told my brother that for me, i thought that i was ugly, then, i'd have to wear something good to make me look good in my eyes. 'good shoes take you to good places', as shizuka said in ep 5 of hana yori dango. 'dress professional, be professional', my teachers in hs said to me. but these days, i've been learning that it's not the clothes anymore. if i can't talk or explain things very easily, then at least let me show something about myself through the way i dress. that's why i have fun (all my life, it's been this way) when i pick an outfit. but i also remember laughing one time when a close friend saw how i dressed in college, but when i came back to the dorms, she smiled, laughed, and pointed at me while saying, 'you look like...like...who's that girl again?' i looked at myself and laughed at the mirror. i was dressed in sweats, had my glasses, and my hair in pigtails like the girl in KareKano.
today has been exhausting, but i've had fun. i hope that i'll continue to live my life according to my principles and my heart, and not be troubled by the standards of society that tell i should be this certain type of student, teacher, daughter, female, whatever. if i were truly to describe myself, it would be insufficient (as with all humans in doing so), but i would say that:
1) i think i'm of asian descent. i'm filipino, but having been rejected by many people of my ethnic ancestors, i just say i'm asian. 'sides, i don't look like 'anything'. i'll claim myself as chinese then. *lol* since they like me.
2) i am a hardworker. i may not always understand everything, but i'll get it somehow with my heart.
3) i am not 'female' or whatever. i'm just MA/Yui. androgynous and happy. what the hell's sexuality then?
4) as a student, i want to continue to learn as much as i can and spread what i know and learn from others too.
5) as a teacher, i'm a gardener. i'm the support and guide, but i learn more from my students about my own humanity and my faults and strengths.
6) a citizen? i'm here to know the issues, work for social change. know all the rules and then change the system.
7) a daughter, i'm mediator, level-headed, and the one who gives perspectives.
8) i love what i love with all that i can, and with all of my passion. i am not perfect, but i'll damn well try to be. i don't mean to be selfish or eccentric.
9) but i'm vulnerable. except, i'll not ever admit defeat or give up or say die.
10) and i may write sad stories and have a lingering angst (god, i sound like yuki...inside, i know i'm that bitter...) but that won't stop me from enjoying life.
what the hell am i fighting for? to keep the happiness that has been given to me. to uphold the responsibilities given to me. change what i can and make others see what needs to change when i can't. all i want to prove to myself is that my life wasn't expendable as i thought it was. at times, i regress back to traces of my ayanami state of 'i-dont-feel-anything', but i struggle with that everyday. indifference is something i can't live with. i want to say i was worthy of living and everyday, i thank God that i am here to enjoy what many can't see or can't ever feel. i'm privileged to live and breathe, to be human.
that is who i am. for better or worse, as youjeen says in one song, 'someday, this feeling will turn into grace.' i wish that sometimes, i can see and feel what others do see and feel, things i've not experienced yet. and i want to tell them what i think. that's why i love writing.
someday, i want to be like ryuichi. i want to reach as far as the sun, and then break the darkness inside of myself.
i should have told that one person who asked me this two weeks ago, but it would have been complicated, insufficient, and long. but thank you for asking. it's rare that someone is curious and cares enough to ask beyond the surface.
most of all though, i hope that i can present new perspectives to people around me and that we change one another and grow.

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Thursday, October 28, 2004 at 11:19 p.m.

and off to con! ^_^
yea~! i'm going to yaoi con and castro this weekend! don't know exactly what i'm wearing but i'm so excited! ^_^v i hope that i'll be able to do all the things i wanted and that i don't get too behind with work and stuff. *lol* who cares right now 'cause i'm gonna have fun! i think it'll be breezy as kazuki though. now that i think of it, he has nice shoulders...take that back. nice EVERYTHING. hahaha...now how to pull of a body like that, i wonder...
song of the week: predilection by kappei yamaguchi-sama
i really do love the sound of his voice. i love the song and the lyrics are really cool. gravi...my wuv! i think i'll just make my fanfics and stories as my children. in an important promise i made two years ago to someone, i had told that person that i would give up my most precious possession. it was a very big favor for me to ask this person, that's why. ^^;;;

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Thursday, October 28, 2004 at 01:35 p.m.

i'm headed downtown again.
i've an observation, but i thought i would just say hi to everyone here. i hope that everyone's doing okay. as for myself, i've been getting 'better' in the sense that things have died down and my initial panic of being worthless in my field of study and as human being who can do nothing for other people has been quite eliminated from my mind. i've learned that i've feared happiness and success not only because of the responsibilities they bring, but because i am faced with the fact that i may lose them. but that's the same with everything and that's why i savor them at the same time. so, i discovered that my true strength is in what i believe in. all i want is to try my best every single day. that's all i can do and that is enough. that's the best i can do.
i was writing something down randomly and as i was writing, i came to realize that that was what i had been doing with my fanfics and writing all along. i'm out of my writer's block, but not with enough time to write anything. i will force myself to because i have a lot to say. i'm excited about the ryuichi fic because i wanted to tackle some issues that i've been dealing with in addition to the integrated discussions through my young adult literature class (on how to teach it) which has fascinated me to no end. i wish i could live somewhat by just reading and writing books for the rest of my life. i think i would be content. (bibliophile...^^;;;; what a nerd.) well, all in all, i'm glad that i'm a teacher. as i volunteer for an esl literacy class in the one campus that i wish i could teach at someday, i appreciate everything. even though they call me 'teacher' (which i've not been called since i was a kindergarten teacher's aide), my students teach me so much. i wish i could speak chinese though. ^^;;; they think i'm one. and that's all right with me.
ack...i need my yaoi fix! and i dont' know what to wear this weekend. * wince * as my roomie said, 'be a boy. you're a girl for 364 days in a year. go as a boy!' * lol * i find it funny. in one class, they asked me what was my gender. i didn't answer. but later i told my close classmate, "i put that i'm a girl. but i don't think of myself as either." now i'm starting to understand why people say 'you're the only you i've known'.

song of the day: daisuke asakura's recommunication

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Monday, October 25, 2004 at 12:52 p.m.

this makes an interesting weekend.
and because Yui will not relay to every person she knows (for it is...er...have fun), she will just say it here. She went to a VERY nice restaurant (with great food and drinks!) where transexual men perform dances and songs. VERY FUN. If i ever doubted liking 'women' (man, i have liked crossdressers since i was 4?), that one (my friend and I have nicknamed her 'the SEXY one...damn she was HOT) surely erased all doubt in my confused head. So there was that. i went to a club. didn't like it. we only stayed 1/4 of an hour. partly why? i was...er...drunk. mind over matter. i couldn't stand straight for a good hour and i giggled more than usual ready to pass out. (too much sake...but only slightly tipsy, k? it really relieved my cold. hahaha...) we went to karaoke and that was also super fun. because i needed clarity, i am behind with my homework as of this moment, and that i'm depressed over life, i went on a walk. i walked from Embaracadero to Fisherman's Wharf, to the beach/coast, up Van Ness to Japantown, walked uphill through Geary, found myself in Clement/new chinatown, walked up the bus route/highway 1? through Golden Gate Park, got to Golden Gate Park entrance, walked up streets (literally) H-W and other major streets, got to borders and got back to my apt in one piece. Why did i do that? i needed something that i could say i could be proud of since i've been feeling crappy. then, today, i went out and bought prince of tennis manga (not that i haven't been listening to musical 1, watching all of musical 2, and watching the tenipuri live already) for tezuka inspiration. *phew* and to top it all off, i was feeling great...and i come out and shake my head in something that resembles irony. SF is raining. hard. ;_; it is wonderful, with no sarcasm. i walk through it all with no jacket or umbrella 'cause it was unexpected. so, my crazy weekend comes to an end. i feel a little bit better.
especially when tezuka actually holds fuji's waist, shinji and akira 'fight' verbally, tezuka is taken for taka-san's kumon teacher, inui smirks and says something in English that comes out as "DHA...[d?]...hold, ahhh...", kimeru-sama did WONDERFUL as ryouma, tezuka flashes skin when he plays against ryouma, the way tezuka glanced at ryouma at the end of the musical...yah, that perked me right up. ^_______^ and one thought that persists: why is it that people who voice act or play inui are super cool and super cute?!?! fuji's voice...ooooooh. she is so cute...

song of the day: the regulars (tenipuri musical 1)

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Sunday, October 17, 2004 at 09:56 p.m.

skydiving anyone?
if at first you don't succeed...
maybe skydiving isn't for you?

i'm starting to think that after being in graduate school for almost a year and a half, maybe i'm not meant to be a teacher. at the rate things are going, i really do suck at this. ^^;;;;; --;;; (i wonder if there's an occupation where i can be qualified for.) God, i wish i were a smart person...i hate my life right now. if there was an aspect of it that was great, let me know. my mind's clouded with so much crap and i'm unable to express this in a fanfic. doesn't help that i'm getting sicker than better. i wonder what all those people in elementary and high school would say to the person they voted 'most likely to succeed' now. i'll be lucky to graduate as a teacher and in one piece at this point (with no self-induced bodily harm). hmm...but i still like my profound thought:
tennis - the only game where 'love' means nothing.

song of the day: staring at the sun by offspring

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Friday, October 15, 2004 at 12:18 p.m.

solitude
things...things. well, i don't know why, but bad and pessimistic things keep on running through my head and i'm killing them with a knife. i don't like thinking negatively. bad, MA/Yui! *_* things are chaotic in my head even though i'm unable to say them aloud. i don't mean to spread the gloom. i keep on singing purachina, but sometimes i could sing a song to someone who'd not get bored or think i was a weirdo.
i think i'll write another PoT fic. i like this thought: the only game where 'love' means nothing.

song of the day: kodoku by maaya sakamoto

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Thursday, October 14, 2004 at 04:45 p.m.

the minute reflection
i had been to my young adult literature class and we were talking about censorship and all that. the reason why i'm even talking about this was because i was kind of disappointed with my teacher's response to my comment. i had said that there are people would like to overcome their fears and therefore take books on subjects that they don't feel good about in order to get over that fear. i know i did that. but she had said, nicely, that adolecents have a different psyche and grow a bit differently, so to take it from an adult's perspective may not be the best solution.
however, even though she was tyring to say that may not work for everybody, which everything doesn't. it's always situational and personality-based. i was just trying to say that if you close yourself to what reality is and do not get a balanced point of view, youll never grow. maybe i'm just an anamoly to social rules because i don't care about of lot of things that society says are 'standard'. and i laughed to myself because talking to people for the past two days, i'm angry in some way because i feel they think that I'M immature and not understanding. that because i've not gone through something extreme (or so they've deducted with their incredible judmental skills), that i cannot understand human nature and suffering. well, let me tell something. i may not understand a lot of things about the world or about people or about myself, but i sure as hell try my best to. that's why i became a writer, so that other people know that they're not alone in their pursuit of identity or comfort when they think no one else will be emphatic to their situation. i take days one at a time and everything is situational, but that doesn't mean that even though i pass by some homeless person on the street that i don't want to cry. i do and i'm ashamed at how selfish I am and thank God how fortunate he's made me. I'm not saying that I'm kind or that I'm trying to myself righteous. I'm just trying to point out that I know there are things that I can't change and it looks like I've not thought a million things in my head, when I have, but there was nothing I could do to help except to listen and give advice. I know it isn't enough and I tend to feign composure when I'm actually breaking inside because I'm just prideful that way.
But damn it all, don't underestimate me, my thoughts, my feelings, and the way I view life just because _you_ have seen more 'evidence' of the aftermath of war and such. That's not the point. Just because you see it doesn't mean you fully feel it. I look passive, but I know in my heart, if I could ever show that, isn't. Won't ever be. I can't make that happen. I'd commit suicide before I gave up on what I think is the core of my own humanity.

song of the day: smile dk's dancing all alone

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Thursday, October 7, 2004 at 01:59 p.m.

hana no motto e...
with all these mixed up thoughts in my head, i don't know why i'm smiling like an idiot. is it because that one person txt'd me? is it because i've been studying at borders? is it because i've been doing all the things i'm supposed to do and i'm not the idiot i've perceived myself to be?
i feel myopic at the moment and so i've looked at intricate details of life. with that, i've been trying to create a piece for ryuichi that serves as my venting, but something i'm trying to recapture from the past, the present, and ultimately, the future. i hope that i can see past all the crap. it amazes me though that i can still conduct myself in a confident manner in the way i talk when i may doubt that in my heart. however, it is even more perplexing when i decided today, 'i'm not too old for anything. now or ever!' so, i went out in shorts (it's SUNNY IN SF!!!) and my ryuichi shirt. i forgot my kuma in all my inner commotion. but anyway, i don't care what the hell anymore. i like the way i am, despite my moodiness and my life is peachy if i really think about it. despite all the pressure to be a 'pillar', i guess i am cut out for the job. never, ever say die!

song of the day: anata by l'arc

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Wednesday, October 6, 2004 at 01:42 p.m.

i hate to complain, but...
as of the moment i'm going to scream at the next person who asks me, 'how are you?' and i'll have to definitely tell him/her that i am 'fine' when i am certainly NOT 'fine'. i pretty much have lost my voice and thank god for my trusty inhaler to help me breath. i got this severe attack at church today. not cool. ^^;;;; i wish i could do a fanfic or something out of campus because i really am fed up with everything. and if one more person takes advantage of me...*sighs* i'm not that good of a person and i have my limits too. i can't take this anymore. i'll just say now that life ain't peachy, though i wish someone would just cut me some slack. unfortunately for all those projects, not any time soon. i've not even watched any anime for about...i can't even count the weeks already. so here i am, barely surviving.
sorry for the not so good update, but when i find myself stopping at a random spot to just cry, not caring if people are around (when i HATE showing my weakness), i've had it. i've had it. i've had it.

song of the moment: kagami no naka no actress / actress in the mirror of Kimagure Orange Road

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Sunday, October 3, 2004 at 12:57 p.m.

writings from the comp lab...
and here i am trying to say that i'm a bit alive. next week is filled with 7 projects due and so i don't think i'll be writing anytime soon. however, i had many thoughts going through my head i hope i'll be able to share them here or in fanfic mode sometime soon.
i don't know why, but i'm always going through this period of self-journey in which i try to think so deeply about stuff. i want so much from life. i want to give so much to people. i wonder if trying my best will be enough. i wonder if i'm as good as i try to be.
i've not watched any anime except an occasional angelic layer ep or two to get inspired about life again, which it did. and i bought hotaru odagiri's only the ring finger knows! *smiles* i like her djs, but it's always so hard to buy them since they're sold out like akira hojo-sama. and the fact that they're really expensive...*sigh* speaking of which i want that initial d model and modoki plushie!
but i'm excited to go to yaoi con. officially, i'm going. and probably for just one very important reason. ^^v and halloween in castro to boot!

song of the day: bgm 5 from peacemaker.

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Thursday, September 30, 2004 at 02:26 p.m.

i've been quiet because...
...my computer contracted a virus. it blocked my IP so i've been out of syndication for a week. ;_; now the repair guy says he needs to reformat my whole computer. *sighs* i wonder how much i can back up considering all the anime that i haven't been able to burn yet. *sighs* well, better this than me being sick. yah! ^^v

song of the day: random H.O.T songs (Kang Ta...*smirk*)

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Monday, September 27, 2004 at 08:29 a.m.

mini entry
even though things are so draining, today's been so great that i had to say so to the world! hello minna-san and i hope you're having a wonderful day too! *mwah*

song of the day: white destiny by SES

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Monday, September 20, 2004 at 02:13 p.m.

hikaru + aki lover through and through
through this time of inner and outer adversity, i've been thinking more than ever and my smile is rare in coming to my face. as i walk on the path that i believe in, i listen to hikaru no go to guide me along the way. i don't know why, but the more i hear akira's seiyuu/akira's character, the deeper i fall in love with him and the more i come to an understanding about myself as a person and as one who won't ever accept defeat. i keep on listening to 'kira' and to 'hitoshizuku' (which i hope i can find that cd!) because they're very beautiful. i really, really like 'kira' more and more. i'm glad i did my own translation for this. but as always, my favorite part is, 'inside of my locked heart, you are the miracle that fell into the world that i exist in. but certainly, our gap continues to widen'. well, i took it that he's singing to hikaru, and i don't know how anyone else feels about that, but since i love to write fanfics and love to 'impersonate' the character since i mostly write in first person POV, i really believe this song's for Hikaru. AHHH~! i wanna find the other version of kira and find the cd for the other akira song! *wince* i LOVE her voice! *squeals* dude, i was melting again because the ONLY time akira touches hikaru is in ep 3 with the whole 'show me your hand' bit! ;_; --;; *relapses back to tokyo babylon mode* noooo....
yui signing out, who has just finished one paper and taking a 'mini break' yeah, so i say, but my favorite things to do are 1) read in English or Japanese, 2) write poetry, 3) write stories, 4) singing, and 5) translate doujinshi/song lyrics. all of which are 'academic' in some way. ;_; --;; oh, let's not forget cleaning. ;_; i'm...a true workaholic and nerd, and yet, i can't really say i have 'no life'. *lol* i don't have an exciting life, i'm telling you! ^^;

*serenades 'kira' no one in particular* ^_~

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Sunday, September 19, 2004 at 09:17 p.m.

Hikaru~~~!!!
-- ;_; i don't know what happened, but i seemed to have lost my kaga + tsutsui fic...it was pretty good. i liked it so much and that's why i took so long with it, months at a time. and now, i guess it wasn't meant to be read. i will try to make another one...if i ever have time. *cries* *sighs* *goes off to study for a test, a presentation, and 4 papers due this week*

song of the day: katase nana's telepathy

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Sunday, September 19, 2004 at 05:45 p.m.

*LOL* my brother made me take it!

You're a Winter. You very much enjoy your time
alone but do like other people's company
sometimes. You just need your space. You have a
few priviledged friends who saw past your
colder exterior to find the true you. You can
have pretty bad mood swings (though you hate to
admit it) so you could be soft one second then
storming around the next! But over all, you're
a very pleasant person once people take the
time to get to know you. You're a good friend
for in-depth talks. You're very talanted when
it comes to creative things.

What season are you? (pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Friday, September 17, 2004 at 09:48 p.m.

fics...i have to squeeze in time for fics...
yes, i still talk about fanfics on this blog. *lol* and those of you waiting for one...please expect another HnG one OR Kyou Kara Maou. *HEE* Yuuri...*lol* But my love is Conrad. Gwendel's a hottie though and Wolfram's cute when he's jealous. (Dude, do people get THAT jealous? *is not the type to understand*)

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Thursday, September 16, 2004 at 06:49 p.m.

from 'get over'
"bokutachi wa kitto hitori ja nai to omou yo
kimi ga iru."

translation:
'i think, 'for sure, we aren't alone'!
you are here.'

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Thursday, September 16, 2004 at 04:43 p.m.

and so the struggle continues....
but i feel very alive today even though my mind is really, really dead right now. Overwork, but doing fine. (Don't worry, Duality, people around here have been making sure I eat! including myself! *is currently eating greasy pizza*) But after talking with my mother, I had a lot of things that I needed to get out. I'm not good with anger management because I don't get mad that often and I usually don't let it out. I get annoyed, but not screaming mad, so it's hard for me to deal with that emotion. I was just frustrated over stuff and I realize that my main problem right now is that I have to rely on myself/self-reliance. I don't want people that don't care about me or are detatched from me to hear what I have to say, what I want is basically a hug. *tears hair out* Me not giving a hug to someone (everyday) is HARD. ;_; And, I need to voice my opinions more. (I know, Duality! But I thought I complained enough and that you'd get tired of my complaints, but it's not like I don't do anything about them, which I do!)
So, thanks Tarepanda for the anime and Duality, Winnie the Pooh, and Niko for always caring about me. And to everyone who has helped me in some way and if I helped you. But I guess, to honestly say this, sappy as it is, I've been listening to Hikaru no Go lately, especially 'Get Over' 'cause I like the line 'kimi ga iru' and how it repeats...

song of the day: romance in Sailor Moon Live Action (i can't believe she died! i love you, venus! you're so beautiful and awesome! ;_;)

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Thursday, September 16, 2004 at 02:36 p.m.

and so the tumult...is still there.
there are many things that are plaguing me and i don't know if i'm more content to accept them or to push and to fight against them. and i end up getting mad at myself, but i've got to think that i'm a very lucky person to even be living and that there are people that love me. but still, i have this little voice that has uncovered the root of my problem. i spread myself so thin and that doesn't help the fact that i let people take advantage of me. now whether or not it is because i'm nice or that they want something from me (with no intention of giving back), i'm just a little sad by the fact about how little i can value my life sometimes. i have to learn more and things are picking up. but i am honestly still depressed. this has led to two FMA fanfics, which I should quote from when i have the chance to do so instead of procrastinating by writing in my blog. *lol* however, the FMA fic with Roy and Edward centered on Roy this time and how he likened life to subway stations. This fic happened when I was waiting for someone and I wrote out my thoughts, which I happened to have a ntbk for (since I'm a dumb nerd that way). Then, I thought of Al and wrote a fic for Edward and him. It takes place after 'everything', but shows how unrepairable their relationship is no matter how 'peaceful' it seems. Now, after all my homework tonight, if that's even possible, I will try to finish up my HnG fic that I've been working on for a couple of weeks now. Trying to bring out the dimensions of a single character in so many ways is so difficult...yet I think well-thought out fics have worked out best for me, even though they are one-shots. They pack a punch in a couple of pages. ^_^
I'm just happy that even though there are a lot of things for people to read, thank you for choosing to spend your time with me, even when you read this blog and my up and down roller coaster of emotions. (See? I told you I was like Shuichi...)

song of the day: fly me to the moon and back / initial d

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Sunday, September 12, 2004 at 05:50 p.m.

i take my leave for the week.
sorry, but don't feel like talking to anyone and i have too many things to think about and do. maybe i'm an idiot for trying to do what i can and give everything, but honestly, right at this moment, i wish someone would tell me things were okay 'cause i'm sick of everything. i can't even lie to myself, whoopee. dammit, i'm human too! i'm not invincible... ;_; 3rd week of school, and once again, i am sick with a fever. ahahahahaha....

song of the day: fanfare midi from final fantasy IV.
quote of the day: 'your gp or your hp!' - ff1 thief

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Monday, September 6, 2004 at 09:51 p.m.

life and its flowers of surprise
as much as i love school, it's been overbearing. there are many things right now that i wished i had time to do things other than read (eg. like make fanfics). however, i've been able to interact and talk to many people. i think i've felt a little lost these days. and the people i've been talking to have had their own of things to think about but i'm honored that we could speak to one another on an equal footing and give each other advice and feedback on whatever we were talking about. i think trust is an incredible thing.
but what amazed me more than anything is that all my life, my opinion never really mattered unless it was something written or for school. and now i'm starting to discover that i am a good listener and that people want to hear what i have to say because they value me as a person. this makes me feel very good about myself, which is why i like writing fanfics and such. not only do they change, but they allow me to share in their own inner change as well. tarepanda was right. maybe the person i underestimated at certain times was myself...
because faced with so much crap internally and externally, i still choose the harder path so that i didn't miss a thing along the way.

on a weird note, my brother sent me this weird flash:
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/kenya.php
Kawaii but addicting and disturbing...

song of the day: katagoshi ni kinsei by komatsu ayaka

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Monday, September 6, 2004 at 02:52 p.m.

mou sukoshi dake...
copyright 2004
all rights reserved

sukoshi
by miyamoto yui

if i had the means
to be more than a reed that leans
whenever the wind blows,
then i'd fend against all other foes.

faraway there's a star i want to reach
a blood stained beach
whose sand flecks in brilliant colors,
fading off in murmurs.

kurushii namida ga ochita,
demo tsuyoi kimochi ga afureta.
hontou no chikara de-
kimi no me.

sukoshi, sukoshi
i become someone that resembles me.

song of the day: albireo by tmr

i'll keep on reincarnating until i find you once again...
Sunday, September 5, 2004 at 06:09 p.m.

Sites I buy from (and promoting!):

[x]Anime Link - cels

Friends I love and stalk

[x]My Sweetie (and totally obsessed after) Adri
[x]Melli-chan!
[x]My Jehjeh Wolfye
[x]wonderfully twisted MD
[x]Kawaii Len
[x]Sweet Mali-chan
[x]Yumei-san
[x]Cocoa-san [x]Kamitra-san
[x]Mara-chan (fellow lover of ^_^ chisai Subaru and teenage Seishirou)
[x]Mikomi-chan