i...i guess. ;p

HARDCORE OTAKU

(results contain pictures) What type of anime otaku are you?
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Monday, August 18, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 08:10 p.m.

yea~!
^_^ Just when I got worn out by half of the day...(is that possible? maybe after all that walking? naw...) Adri sends me her pic. *winces* *keels over from cuteness* =^_^=
I'm infatuated. Definitely infatuated. (I forgot that you were blond. ^^;;; I think the cutest girls are blond or Asian. ^^v)

Monday, August 18, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 05:05 p.m.

This isn't mine, but a friend forwarded to me. (I laughed at the first line...)


As I've Matured...

-I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
(Yui's comment: I don't stalk, I watch carefully. :p Then, I glomp.)
-I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

-I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

-I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

-I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -they are more screwed up than you think.

-I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

-I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

-I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

-I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

-I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

-I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

-I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

-I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

-I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Contributed by: Dick Alcaraz

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance;
The wise grows it under his feet.
-- Julius Robert Oppenheimer


Monday, August 18, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 12:59 p.m.

dork that I am.
My first day on campus last Friday and I got lost. Today, I have finished the other half of campus (where there's a mall and I read Mars 13 today *winces!*). Campus is quite small, but homey as compared to UCLA.
I hit all the departments from financial aid to English in order to know where the hell everything was. Found the library. Funny that I get excited over books. ;_; I'm such a nerd. Happy over Borders books and the library. I have new Japanese lit books to read! Yea~!
I just wish I had a sketch book or manga to read. I didn't bring anything knowing I'd bring more to LA. ;p
Fanfic-wise, I've been really reeling it in with kikoeru ka, which is now in 'fallen angel'. 'music without words'...well, haru will finally understand why yuki had to be 'indifferent' and 'forever yours' should be written for again.
I'm just tickled pink that I've gotten a few e-mails from several people giving me feedback about fanfics for different fandoms. It really does touch me because it's like a gift everytime I open an e-mail. ^_^

Monday, August 18, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 12:37 p.m.

explanation for Duality of 'every little thing she does is magic' by the Police

Lyrics: Though I've tried before to tell her
Of the feelings I have for her in my heart

Explanation: It took a hell of time to get through her defenses of indifference and apathy. She didn't like hugging people or sharing things like that. Used to look at me funny for being so open about my feelings because I love her so much as my friend. ^^;;;

Lyrics: Everytime that I come near her
I just lose my nerve
As I've done from the start

Explanation: Damn Duality is egoistic. Even when she's wrong, she's stubborn. But when she's right, you have to tell her. She loves compliments. ^^;;;;

Lyrics: Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she does just turns me on

Explanation: I truly believe everything she does is magic. She can give you a good, analytical, deep conversation. I was _lucky_ to have GOOD Chinese food every single day of the school week. And she picks a lot of things up and can understand them very well. I've not seen her do one thing that she can't do well. Occassional times, yes, I do laugh at her mistakes, but they're just laughable, not done too terribly.
Of course, the one thing that makes me very kawaii'ed out is...himitsu. The _second_ thing that gets to me is when she laughs. I love the way she laughs.

Lyrics: Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on

Explanation: I've met a lot of people in my life. (That's the understatement of my lifetime.) But there are few people who helped me out of my 'depression'/suicidal state. But you're the third in that list of very important people, Duality. Patient enough to talk to, patient enough to listen, patient enough to go walking at anytime of the day. So it goes without saying how much I care for her as if she had been my own sister.

Lyrics: Do I have to tell the story
Of a thousand rainy days since we first met
It's a big enough umbrella
But it's always me that ends up getting wet

Explanation: The day we met was a very sunny day at 1pm. _I_ was awake from a nap and Duality wanted a nap. These two things shouldn't be together in the same room, but they were. She was a real meanie to me.
Big enough umbrella? I interpret this as always being surprised by what she can say and do. (Latest smirk came from 'mouth piece' ;_;...my parents were there so I couldn't giggle, but I was speechless and blushing.)

Lyrics: Every little thing she does is magic...
Explanation: look up there.

Lyrics: I resolved to call her up a thousand times a day
And ask her if she'll marry me in some old fashioned way

Explanation: The girl is anti-social, but she loves attention. I learned to report where I was (cause she regulated my meals and made sure she knew where I was, if anyone) and talk more openly about stuff.
Me, I don't like attention, but I give it. ^^;;; Lots of love and attention. (You can't get married until I approve of the guy. On the other hand, if we're old maids, we might as well live together...again. No...I don't want that type of punishment! ;p And if Adri's still not married, I'll move in with you? *laughs*)

Lyrics: But my silent fears have gripped me
Long before I reach the phone
Long before my tongue has tripped me
Must I always be alone

Explanation: The only thing that gets me about calling Duality is when she'll cute me out and not let me get off the phone or she'll say something so bad that I can't reply back for a few seconds. And, she's a real nut. I used to think I was very strange, but when we go out together, we're both stupid and adventurous.
And if I have to be alone, I'm going to say I'm living with one of you, Duality or Adri! Then again, I've been told that I will never ever get away from 'the Bitch'. ;_; WAH~!

Clears throat. With all sincerity and all jokes aside, I think very highly of you, Duality. Whether you're being psycho, bitchy, or bratty, you're still cute. (Yeah, I can't get intimidated by you unless you're truly peeved.) That's why I think of you whenever I hear this song.

Friday, August 8, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 07:01 p.m.

while i moved...
I'm official an SF person now. I like the weather, but it'll drive me nuts if there's no sun before 8. If I wake up when there's no sun, I will think it's 6am and my body won't move. --;; (Someone called me solar-powered...I hit him for it, but maybe he's right.)
* sighs * It was easier than I thought, actually. My first day and I already 1) got the planner I needed, 2) got the desklamp I needed, 3) fixed my room, and 4) got lost and ended up walking the parameter of the entire campus.
What I realized was the hardest thing for me about this whole affair and my first fear in life wasn't (though these are the top three things I am scared of) 1) being alone, 2) not being able to have children, and 3) war (I don't like bloodshed...). It wasn't number 1 at all! It was leaving my little brother! Of all the people I didn't know I would miss the most (besides my parents) was my little brother! The brat and I fight all the time and then we laugh in the next hour. I think this should have been tipped off to me (but I'm slow) when I once had a nightmare in which it was the end of the world and everyone was being erased (still makes me cry everytime I think about it...). I held onto my brother, but the wind took him away from me and then I started shouting, 'don't forget me! i'll find you again! i promise!'
Then, when I said goodbye to him, I couldn't say 'i love you' because i knew i'd cry and then he said it while trying not to cry. i ended up crying.
I kept on trying to get out of my writer's block for 'Forever Yours' and now, I truly understand Minoru more.

Now, for 'music without words', I ended making this plot twist that kind of gets me mixed up between Yuki and Tohru (even though I don't support this pairing).

song of the day: dive into your heart - naoki featuring paula terry (I'm a ddr freak if you didn't know.)

Friday, August 8, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 06:48 p.m.

again, a matter of changing one answer. ^^;;; So, they're both true. ^^;;;

you are "super-deformed" or
"chibi". so full of energy. and so
full of bull. you know there's people who want
you dead?

What type of manga are you?
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you are "yaoi" you sick sick twisted
person.

What type of manga are you?
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Tuesday, August 12, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 10:04 p.m.

kawaii'ed out
WAI~! The pic's so cute! *wince, wince* Adri you are so super sweet! Thank you thank you thank you! *kiss kiss* *is dying*

http://www.geocities.com/reiakane2/yiiiiiiiiii.jpg

Tuesday, August 12, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 08:44 p.m.

the latest song I'm in love with...
Well, I love Hideaki Matsuoka and I feel asleep while listening to a cd. I woke up when this very beautiful song came on. It felt very dreamlike and reminded me of mermaids for some reason. Regardless, thanks Nodoka Mirai for the cd because I transliterated and translated the song today.

Kamigami no Tasogare (Gods of the Twilight)
by Hideaki Matsuoka


Utsukushii yuugure wa kamigami no tasogare
Tooi kioku ga fune de INDASU wo kudatte yuku
Hiru to yoru no seppun hi to toki no eien

The beautiful evening is the gods of the twilight
A faraway memory in a boat, the industry descends further down
The day of afternoon and night's one kiss and forever time

Saa Kaze yo boku wo michibike
Kono chijyou de sagasu beki sekai e
Sono yubi wo sase.....Saa senaka wo oshitekure

Come now Wind! Guide me.
(we) must search above this, in the world
Please make these fingers...come now, press on the back

Yubiwa wo nageire BENISU wa umi to musubare
ORION to YUNICOON ga sono chikai wo mitodoketa
Ougon no tsuki wo utsusu kagami to kashita suimen.....

Together throw rings, (for) Venice is the sea, and bind them
Orion and unicorns are these vows made certain with our own eyes
The golden moon casts a shadowed mirror and changed the water's surface.....

Saa Hoshi yo boku wo michibike
Yami ni umore tozasareta sekai e
Sono kagayaki de.....Saa michi wo terashite boku wo michibi itekure

Come now Stars! Guide me.
Buried in the night, the locked grieving of the world
In this radiance...come now, illuminate the path, guiding me.

MID

Saa kaze yo boku wo michibike
Kono chijyou de boku ga yuku beki bashou e
Sono yubi wo sase.....saa senaka wo oshitekure
Aa Mekurumeku sekai e......boku wo michibi itekure
Aa Mekurumeku sekai e......boku wo michibi itekure

Come now Stars! Guide me.
I must go to a place above this.
Please make these fingers...come now, press on the back
Ah, to have the appearance of tearing the world.....guiding me
Ah, to have the appearance of tearing the world.....guiding me


Tuesday, August 12, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 08:30 p.m.

someone once told me...
...that whenever he listens to 'absolute (story of a girl)', it reminds him of me. I never really understood why he said that to me, but I listened to it again and I smiled.
I listen to 'everything you want' by vertical horizon and think of someone too.
Certain songs remind me of my angel, but mostly it's 'i love you more today than yesterday' by spiral staircase, 'mystic eyes' of esca and 'say a little pray for you' by dion warwick. he told me he thinks of me whenever he thought of 'trouble me' and another song. that's how we became friends in the first place. Through 'blurry eyes' by l'arc en ciel.
sadly, i'm still trying to find a song that reminds me of him, the one who thinks of me with 'absolutely'. it's hard to find a song for him, because i've been trying for almost 3 years now. It was easy to find one for Duality ('every little thing she does is magic' by the police because she's beautiful, sexy, manipulative, and I believe in her) or Adri ('all the things she said' by tatu because she's one of my beautiful muses, twisted as we are whenever we talk), but I'm still trying to find a song to fit him.
In the end, I may just make lyrics with no melody. But I don't want it to be that way.

Sighs. Why do I feel like idealism is dying, honesty isn't worth anything, and that my life is just dragging along? Maybe because I see some people around me, and my weak side says that I'm envious. The strong side says that I've always been blessed.

Am I just a dreamer living inside a card captor song? I sing 'purachina' because I believe in it. I want to become stronger everyday, but with that, I'm more aware of things. And life gets harder and harder. Trying to be compassionate and find that you're an endangered species, dying by the day.
All I want to do is live long and be happy.

And somehow, I found that through certain people. I'm just an ordinary person struggling to live each day, but why do I feel that the more I get in touch, the more enclosed I become?

I...I want to find a song for him, dammit. He deserves that much for always making me smile even though I feel my worst.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 02:18 a.m.

;_;
Frustrated beyond belief, I just want to go in a corner and pout like a little kid. Of course, I'm too mature for that, but I think this songs describes exactly how I feel at the moment.
Optimism's gonna kill me someday. I hope not. I'll probably be good in a few days. Until then, I'll feel like ranting while singing instead.

True Faith by New Order

I feel so extraordinary
Something's got a hold on me
I get this feeling I'm in motion
A sudden sense of liberty
I don't care 'cause I'm not there
And I don't care if I'm here tomorrow
Again and again I've taken too much
Of the things that cost you too much
I used to think that the day would never come
I'd see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost , replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun...
When I was a very small boy,
Very small boys talked to me
Now that we've grown up together
They're afraid of what they see
That's the price that we all pay
Our valued destiny comes to nothing
I can't tell you where we're going
I guess there was just no way of knowing
I used to think that the day would never come
I'd see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost , replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun...
I feel so extraordinary
Something's got a hold on me
I get this feeling I'm in motion
A sudden sense of liberty
The chances are we've gone too far
You took my time and you took my money
Now I fear you've left me standing
In a world that's so demanding
I used to think that the day would never come
I'd see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost , replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun...


Monday, August 11, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 09:27 p.m.

wah~! I want a subaru!!!!! *sighs*
Aiya...things are so mixed up inside of my head. And you know what? *shakes head* I keep coming back to reading my fic 'never question a miracle'. It really is fu---- up, but it's something that I love a lot. I don't know why. Probably because it had so much symbolism and I couldn't explain everything, but it was self-explanatory. I really really loved making that Subaru fic, even if he is insane.

Now, I'm trying to figure out a good ending for 'music without words'. Yea~, one by one, I'm checking off all the unfinished fics. But unfortunately, knowing myself, I will start new ones to take away the empty space. I don't know why I crowd myself to become distracted, but I'm really feeling moody.

Duality, I'm really looking forward to seeing you. ^^;;; I can't believe I'm saying 'I miss you' and you know how I say 'I love you' when I really mean it, but I have the hardest time saying 'I miss you' to anyone. ^^;;;
Len-chan, feel good. Live long and prosper. You're a seme, Shortcake. (Yes, Nokoru is an uke. Suoh is _so_ seme cause he's the one who says 'I'll protect you'. That's usually and stereotypically, a seme's words.) As for Gouhou Drug....NOOO! No _way_ in fuckin' hell could Clamp stop this?! Not after...after the school! *thinks of Rikuou* No no no! *whine, whine* So um, enough said.
ADRI! *pulls collar* 1) I'm now very curious what you'll do to me when you meet me. I'm just a teddy bear. I love hugging certain people. ^^v I glomp...really tightly. Bad. I know i've killed some people. ^^;;; (gomen, duality...) But I'm curious as to the extent of your 'seme' abilities are. *laughs evilly* I may not get jokes, but don't think I can't fight with ya. *hee* 2) I'll give ya my addy as soon as I find it. The one on that envelope's really old now. I don't live there anymore. 3) Aiya, I was actually going to give you a vcd/dvd copy of Bishonen no Koi. (been thinking about it for some time. ^^;;;) Can you wait it out 'til I get it for you? *blink, blink* Think of it as an early Christmas gift in the middle of October. How does that sound to you?

Going to bed because my friend told me, 'go to sleep by 2.' ^^;;;; Um...I'm getting there.
I swear, I'm so suckered in by cuteness. Duality! I'm dying. *wince, wince* kill me later, but i'm all kawaii'ed out for the day: you...Adri...

Saturday, August 9, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 02:09 a.m.

Spiral character??

You are Ayumu Narumi, the genius with deduction
skills on par with Sherlock Holmes along with
equally impressive cooking and piano skills.
Haunted by the shadow of his brother's
greatness he tends to let feelings of self-
loathing overwhelm him at times, but when his
family and friends are threatened he will rise
to the challenge.

What Spiral: Suiri no Kizuna character are you?
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Friday, August 8, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 02:54 a.m.

oh why oh why do I write weird pairings...
I'm a sad, sad individual. "Creative" is...a highly esteemed word at this moment of insanity. I've just written a fic with Subaru loving Seishirou (as it should be), but he's living with Fuuma. Yes, you're probably thinking, "What the f--- is she thinking?" I can honestly say, it's like the Suguru x Touma fic. =^_^= It's so messed up and cute that I loved writing it.

Note to Adri: Yes, dear, I _am_ a light sleeper. *lol* It's something I complain about all the time. Should I be trusted in a room alone with you now? *LOL*

Friday, August 8, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 02:46 a.m.

can't seem to find the picture...
it's funny how you can love someone so much that you're best friends and then it seems that when you don't write an e-mail...is it that bad? I don't know...*sighs* There are people who are okay with me replying late, and those who are upset even though I can't express how guilty I am for not writing back. Not that they're not important...
Aiya. Got back to looking for an e-mail from my Angel. Who *laughs* is as busy as I am all the time. I can't believe we're this comfortable with one another though. It's funny how the people you've never face to face are the ones you fall in love with and become friends with. Why? Maybe it's my insecurities about physical stuff. Oh well.
But I can't find his picture...I want to put it in my room in San Francisco, but I can't find it...*look, look*

Bird - Seki Tomokazu. I love the way he sings, esp. when he's doing Shuichi's voice or Van's (that's the role that I've loved the most from him).

Thursday, August 7, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 10:12 p.m.

feel and unfeeling
Twice bitten, just as sweet,
the fruit's juice slipping
down and down.
Many questions asked,
with no distinct answers.
A hope turned into a tear,
Fear transformed to madness.

I walk alone with
an aching heart.
There is no end in sight.
I'm walking into quicksand,
voluntarily, smiling.
Sinking while laughing,
never knowing if words
to be valued at all.
Thinking happiness with its lightness
seems too easy to bear.
A masochist who thinks life
needs pain,
in order to feel any
damned thing.


Thursday, August 7, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 06:16 p.m.

whoa...i'm a selfish bitch...
Duality! I forgot to say how proud I was and that I was wishing you luck at your new job! *glomps*

These days, I've been mellow, but moody. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere in life and that when I start working on anything, I will just become the usual workaholic that I always am. I want to be selfish and be human for once. Just lie down and take things slow. *sighs*

Note to Adri: Number 94 will change? Are you sure?! *lol* *blush, blush* Well, we'll see. *blink, blink*

WAH~! Just watched my copy of X ep. 16 from Pioneer today. ;_; My family wondered why I was bawling. My brother knew but he also knew that if he tried to turn off my tv, I'd kill him. Oh, wonderful Subaru...maybe I should make another fic or continue with Calendar Boy? Ah, gotta go back to that table scene with Subaru and Seishirou now...Subaru as seme...*_* God, I love being a sick fangirl.

Thursday, August 7, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 01:39 a.m.

One question and it was between Hakkai or Subaru...

Like Hakkai, you will rip out your own eyeball in a
misguided attempt to atone for your heinous
crimes of passion. Freak.

How Will You Lose YOUR Eye?
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Like Subaru, you will lose an eye through gouging.
No one quite understands why, but it has
something to do with your massive, intense,
haunting Issues. Look, either sleep with the
guy or kill him, but enough with the suspense!

How Will You Lose YOUR Eye?
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You know what the sad thing is about this? It's that in either case, I have serious issues. Hahaha. That's new? Why can't it be something surprising? *lol* As for Hakkai...passion?! Sounds like me all right.

Tuesday, August 5, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 08:45 p.m.

did a lot of reading...
This weekend, I was reading manga, fanfics, and a book. Manga: Pet Shop of Horrors. *wince* God, it's so morbidly cute... Ayashi no Ceres: Slowly, but surely. Book: Yea~! Finished Seven Japanese Tales by Tanizaki-sensei! Wonderful short stories. I'm always impressed with his obsessive nature. As for fanfics...

I said "I hate you" to Winnie so many times because I was crying in some parts of a such a GOOD FIC! It's called "Of Love and Honor" by Tin. Aoshi's my second fave character in Rurouni Kenshin...damn good fic. DAMN great fic! Not finished though! *wallows in sorrow*
Maybe I should go out and buy the manga and read it little by little...Winnie's gotten me into Fujima Slam Dunk fics.

Monday, August 4, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 11:12 p.m.

I hope you don't mind that I took your survey, sweetie
1. Have You Ever kissed your cousin: All of them and on the cheek.

2. Have You Ever Run away: Nope. Believed that it was wrong. I don't like causing my parents pain.

3. Have You Ever broken someone's heart: ??? Maybe for different reasons other than love...

4. Have You Ever Been in love: Yes. Twice.

5. Have You Ever Cried when someone died: Yes, my grandfather and grandmother.

6. Have You Ever Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have: Always. *says so with much heartache*

7. Have You Ever Broken a bone: nope, but I've sprung my elbow once and the same ankle twice.

8. Have You Ever Drank alcohol: Yes and I hate it. I will only drink whatever goes with tiramisu specialty drinks and coffee jelly deserts.

9. Have You Ever Lied: Yes, but not big ones. I'm horrible at lying. Too honest for my own good.

Which do you prefer...?

10. COKE OR PEPSI: Coke addict.

11. SPRITE OR 7UP: 7up. Better for your stomach.

12. FLOWERS OR CANDY: Candy!

13. SCRUFF OR CLEAN SHAVEN: God, I love clean shave guys.

14. QUIET OR LOUD: Quiet.

15. BITCHY OR SLUTTY: bitchy. (I'd rather be known as a bitch than a slut.)

16. TALL OR SHORT: doesn't matter.

17. PANTS OR SHORTS: Depends on who's wearing 'em. ^_~

With The Opposite Sex

18. WHAT DO YOU NOTICE FIRST: Eyes and/or voice.

19. LAST PERSON YOU SLOW DANCED WITH: Dancing partner for my elementary school best friend's quincinera (can't spell).

20. WORST QUESTION TO ASK: So, how about your friend...?

21. The Last Time You SHOWERED: morning.

22. The Last Time You HAD SEX: I don't do that.

23. YOUR GOOD LUCK CHARM: Angel in Argentina.

24. PERSON YOU HATE MOST: I don't hate anyone. I can dislike them strongly.

25. THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU TODAY: Looking at good Tokyo Babylon fanart.

26. COLOR: Black.

27. MOVIE: Forest Gump.

28. BOOK: Natume Soseki anything, Miho Ohneko, and Tanizaki.

29. SUBJECT IN SCHOOL: Literature or language.

30. JUICE: fruit punch!!

31. CARS: Toyota definitely! (If it's for looks, a boxcar or convertible).

32. ICE CREAM: Black Cherry or Coffee.

33. HOLIDAY: Anything as long as I spend it with people I love.

34. SEASON: Winter, of course!

35. PLACE TO GO WITH YOUR HONEY: Library, bookstore or anime shop? Yes, I am a nerd.

36. MAKES YOU LAUGH THE MOST: When someone says something totally outrageous. Like when Winnie said, "Maybe you should have Subaru wear one of Mana's dresses for Calendar Boy." Me: Um...his look isn't good with European clothes. Winnie: You're right! we can't have Subaru in a Mana dress because he's all covered up! Me: XD *LOL for a good five minutes*

37. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE?: Anything cute (mostly friends). Kappei and children.

38. GIVES YOU A GOOD FUNNY FEELING WHEN YOU SEE THEM: I love watching people that crossdress.

39. HAS A CRUSH ON YOU: None that I know of...My friends would have a better chance of this happening.

40. DO YOU HAVE A SECRET CRUSH: 'course.

41. CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER NO MATTER WHAT: 1) Kappei, 2) Subaru, and 3) Adri and/or Duality, 4) smiles, and 5) something Tokyo Babylon related/shopping.

42. HAS IT EASIER GUYS OR GIRLS: Don't know. I think it depends on an individual rather than gender.

Do You Ever?

43. SIT BY THE PHONE WAITING FOR A PHONE CALL ALL NIGHT: Not ever.

44. SAVE E-MAILS: Of course!

45. WISH YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE: hell no.

46. WISH YOU WERE A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX: Only if it meant that I could be with a certain girl???

47. CRIED BECAUSE OF SOMEONE'S MEAN WORDS: Yes...I just don't like crying in front of people though. I'm really sensitive.

48. COLOGNE: No, but I ADORE Polo.

49. PERFUME: Naw. I'm allergic to them.

50. ROMANTIC MEMORY: ??? Depends on how you want me to answer this question...

Have You Ever...

51. Fallen for your best friend? *wince* Yes.

52. Made out w/ JUST a friend? Haven't been kissed.

53. Been rejected? Yes. Story of my love life.

54. Been in lust? Honestly? Yes, of course. I'm only human.

55. Used someone? Nope. Totally against that.

56. Been used? Yes, several times actually.

57. Cheated on someone? Nope.

58. Been cheated on? n/a

59. Been kissed? No.

60. Done something you regret? Nope. Not ever.

Who's the last person...

61. You touched? Physically? my family. Mentally/emotionally...readers??

62. You talked to? Winnie.

63. You instant messaged? Friends.

64. You hugged? ^^;; Too many. I thrive on hugs.

65. You kissed? Mommy on the cheek.

66. You yelled at? ... I rarely yell. When I do, you know you're in trouble.

67. You laughed with? Winnie.

Do you..

68. Color your hair? Nope.

69. Have tattoos? Naw, but if I did, I'd get the sign that Subaru puts on his ofudas.

70. Have piercings? Yes. On my ear. Hope to get more.

71. Eat meat? Yes! That's what I cook well...because that's the only thing I can cook. Haha.

72. Own a webcam? Hope to.

73. Own a thong? Hell no. I don't even know how to swim.

74. Ever get off the damn computer? Yes, when I'm sick or avoiding people.

75. Sprechen sie deutsche? Nani o itteimashita? Hindi ko alam... Je ne comprend pas...

76. Habla espanol? only the basics 'cause it's close to Tagalog.

77. Quack? only to be funny. ^_^ I love duckbill platypi! They're my fav. animal next to penguins!

Have you / do you / are you...

78. Stolen anything? Only once. When I was little, but I was honest about it as soon as I was shown that it's wrong.

79. Smoke? Not ever. It'll ruin my voice.

80. Schizophrenic? Nope.

81. Obsessive? Yes. So much.

82. Compulsive? eck. no.

83. Obsessive compulsive? No.

84. Panic? Yes.

85. Anxiety? Depends on the trigger and the amount of stress. I've gone to the ER for this.

86. Depressed? yes...it comes in waves.

87. Suicidal? was for a couple of years. Now, no.

88. Obsessed with hate? No. I don't believe in it.

89. If you could be anywhere, where would you be? I don't care where I am as long as I'm with certain people.

90. Can you do anything freakish with your body? I'm flexible???

91. What facial feature do you find the most attractive on others? Eyes. (next to smiling lips.) I love blue or green eyes. (Not 'cause of Subaru or mamoru...I've always loved these colors.)

92. Would you vote for a woman candidate for president? Hell yeah, if they're qualified.

93. Would you marry for money? Nope. I wouldn't sell out.

Did I miss some?

94. When was the last time you had a hickey? sorry, don't do that kind of stuff.

95. Do you use ICQ, AOL Buddy list etc...? Yes, but not all the time.

96. If you could live in any past, where would it be? Israel.

97. Do you wear white socks? All the time.

98. Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off? Take them off.

99. What is your favorite fruit? Mango, especially from the Philippines!

100. What is your favorite place to visit? Beaches.

101. What is the last movie you saw? Matrix, in the theatres. On the TV, Care Bears.

102. Do you kiss on the first date? Never had one, but I'd decline.

103. Are you photogenic? Yes.

104. Do you dream in color or black and white? Color and 3-d.

105. Are you wearing fingernail polish? Nope.

106. Is it chipped or fresh? I don't wear nail polish.

107. Do you have any dimples? No.

108. Do you remember being born? Nope.

109. Do you drink alcohol? No. I dislike it except in certain circumstances.

110. Did you like or do you like high school? Yes, very much!

111. What is the best accent? I love Japanese men saying English phrases. *winces* I'm always so kawaii'ed out by that, especially when I hear Kappei-sama or Takehito-sama...

112. Do you like sunrises or sunsets the most? Love both. As long as it's sun. ^_^

113. Do you want to live to be 100? Nope, and at the rate I'm going, I'll be lucky to live 'til 40. Espers...

114. Do you or have you played with a ouija board? No, it's evil. I stay away from them because their auras are really bad. ^^;;;; (I'm a sensitive esper, especially with touching.)

115. Are you loyal? Yes.



Monday, August 4, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 10:40 p.m.

from Ryuichi's eyes
It finally dawned on me yesterday what I can do for the endings of Belonging Nowhere, Music without words, and especially kikoeru ka. *sighs*
I'm quite exasperated with myself. For someone who thinks too much...well, as I told someone. There is always a sacrifice for everything you do and you can't make everyone happy around you. In the end, what do you sacrifice? As for me I always someone else's happiness. Even when it's not fair. Even if I am not explaining this to it's fullest.
I had a long, long discussion with a friend as well as thinking quietly to myself this weekend. When you read a touching Aoshi fanfic and cry because it's too sad and sweet, you'll begin to understand what I mean. I'm just not too good with explaining myself or a whole story because there's just way too much to plan out. One thing leads to another and I feel like I'm going to burst from my silence. I'm going to go insane. So instead, I'm writing in a fanfic. I'm writing through Ryuichi, though I can't explain every single thing because I'm scared.
A lot of people don't accept shounen/shoujo ai. A lot of other people don't accept if you're termed mentally unstable and yet there are things that a smiling face doesn't really say to anyone, except within the silence of their mind, which is trying to scream out. I like Ryuichi for this reason and I think that's why I can write him clearly without feeling he's going out of character. (Well, that's my own opinion.) A hope and desperation in one. Accepting and yet wanting to be rejected because of one's self. maybe these are paradoxes within themselves, but human nature was never so black and white. But I don't like gray either.
What I'm trying to explain is that my thoughts are all embedded within one another. Taking one thing at a time is a pain and then trying to tell this to someone else is painful. Telling the truth and trying to show how you really feel is so hard.

Wednesday, April 2, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 09:09 p.m.

Survey taken by Len-chan. Ladida~ (Thanks, Shortcake!)
1. Anime you've seen the most times: In order of rank - Macross, Tokyo Babylon, Ai no Kusabi, Zetsuai, Bronze, Please Save My Earth, Ranma and Pet Shop of Horrors. There are times I would watch them everyday.

2. Character you'd go to a Con as: I've gone to cons as Shuichi, Subaru, and Hatako. (I've dressed as Yuna, but not to a con.) I would like to someday go as Oruha from Clover, Hokuto, Shiina Ringo, and Ryuichi.

3. Absolute favourite Anime Guy: Anime...Subaru and Ryuichi!

4. Absolute favourite Anime Girl: Anime Girl...Tenou Haruka. I worship her. (Second comes Hokuto and third is Satsuki.)

6. Your thoughts on Dragon Ball Z: I liked the original one better. Goku was so cute when he was an innocent kid. Then again, the only reason I watch DBZ is for Gohan! Go Gohan!

7. Your thoughts on Sailor Moon: Loved the manga. The Luna arc with the astronomer is my favorite part. The anime was the first I watched all eps raw and was exposed to nothing but Japanese, but I only liked the Sailor Moon R series. And, I love the songs.

8. Does your family like Anime? Hell ya! My mom's the one who got me to watch what we dub the 'sad little mermaid'. She only watches it occassionally and says the stories are good. My dad's the one that got me into anime with Transformers and Robotech. He loved Tekkaman Blade. *lol* I got my brother addicted to anime through Inuyasha manga, Ranma, and Ah My Goddess. Need I say more?

9. Do you dream in Anime: I dream of anime characters as real life people. ^^v Damn bishounen are so fine to touch! ^_~ *blush, blush* Think what you want. (I have to say Kamui and Duo are totally, TOTALLY PRETTY! Amazing eyes! Seishirou's a hot babe in person. Heero's well-built to say the least. Haruka's really really cool! Tamahome steals blankets. Gendou Ikari is an evil bastard and I like it. Ayanami Rei is a gentle person, but with cold skin...Yes, I have a lot of anime characters in my dream. *winces* SHUICHI'S SO CUTE!)

Shin 10. Do you love Bishounen/Bishoujo? MY LIFE STAPLE. Period.

11. Collect any Manga? Tons and the stack just gets bigger and bigger. ^^;;; Don't get me started on my Clamp first edition collection.

12. Who's the goddess of manga artists? Takahashi Rumiko, Nishi Keiko, and Nekoi Mick! (Don't make me choose among these three. They're my absolute favorites!)

13. The god? Yoshiyuki Sadamoto and Masukazu Katsura.

14. Your absolute fav. VA would be? YAMAGUCHI KAPPEI! (Then, Koyasu Takehito, Seki Tomakazu, Ai Orikasa, and Megumi Ogata!)

15. If you could join the cast of any anime/manga which would you choose? Dunno...maybe Gravi or Ranma.

16. Fav. Martial Artist: Ooh...hmm...Ryu of Street Fighter and Joe Higashi of SNK. They're so cool.

17. Fav. Space Alien: Sivil...I don't know how to type her name. It was the alien from Macross 7.

18. Fav. Magical girl: Toss between Sakura and Cutie Honey. (I know I'm odd.)

19. Fav. Mech/Mech operator: MECHA?! My favorite mechas are any designs for Macross. (You probably didn't know I loved mechas!) Favorite pilot - I'd say definitely Heero! (Don't you dare comment, Duality.)

20. Fav. Police Officer: Hmm...Anime-wise - the blond from Fake and Gunsmith Cats! Real life action yaoi movie - WAH~! Fei from Bishounen no Koi!

21. Fav Anime mascot: Kumogorou and Kuroneko-sama.

22. Most Annoying male character: Hmm...Sasuke and Principal Kuno from Ranma.

23. Most Annoying female character: Definitely Miaka from FY and Miki from Marmalade Boy. *shudders*

24. Anime scene that made you cry: Many. If you're talking about the most? When Hotohori's son couldn't hug him in the FY ova. @_@ I literally cried a whole white, large-sized towel's worth. Zetsuai, cried throughout the anime. End of Please Save My Earth. Fruits Baskets, Glass Mask, and I My Me Strawberry Eggs.

25. All time best Villian: Anime - Akito from Fruits Baskets. (I wouldn't say he's an actual villian, but evil and interesting, kudos to him. I've been captured.) Game - SEPHIROTH.

26. Shoujo or Shounen manga: I have no preference.

27. How long have you been watching Anime? Since I was 2...early 80's.

Thursday, July 31, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 10:09 p.m.

up and down and around...
okee, I'm finally out of my slump session. @_@ I hate pitying myself. It's an awful, awful thing that keeps me from sleeping, causes me to have anxiety attacks, and pushes me to use my damn inhaler. We're done. Yea...for now. Or rather, I have to force myself out of this.

Only a few days from moving, so my hiatus from writing will start sometime soon, disappointing as it may be. For once in four years, I've no summer school or a job. wai~! You can't imagine how happy I am to say, "I have nothing to do today."
What I have been doing are nightly fanfics. Switching from multi-chaps to one-shoters. As of the moment, I must read YnM in order to further my progress with the xover. I will finish Belonging nowhere and music without words soon. But just as easily, I will start a fic on akito and hatori. @_@ I've been fascinated by this couple for some reason. (Well, I have a strange craving for Watari x Tsuzuki, if you must know.) I've started a prequel to nagareboshi called 'kikoeru ka?' (can you hear me?) which talks about ryuichi's thoughts because we've not gotten any feedback on his part.
Calendar Boy is making slow progress. I've to figure out how to get the case serious and twisted enough. Wrapped around your finger is a web. I'm dying in it. I love it to death. Forever yours shall be finished soon also. So, I'm close to three finishing, but it's hard to stop a whole fandom. @_@ Once you stop it, it'll come back...with readers to let you know. *smile, smile*

I think I was feeling this way because I felt that my low self-confidence really bugs. As *hugs* len-chan was talking about on her blog, I feel like I've been pushed to a corner. I'm going somewhere, but is it the place I want to be? I'm making sure it is, but some part of me, of course, is still weak. I'm not too good in the people department. I talk and talk, but I still shut up and get upset when someone asks me a personal question that I don't want to really answer.
It's that fear of being close to someone. It's like in Pet Shop of Horrors. Once you've tasted love, you acquire a taste for it and you fear of losing it. It may always be with you, but you just want that particular fruit. @_@ Ah, well.
I've just to learn that the only way to become stronger is to keep going. Life is a wonderful thing. I don't want to waste it. I've already accomplished one of my goals in life. ^_^ (I just wish he'd write more often to let me know he's doing all right in Argentina! *wince, wince*) One of my best friends lives there. My life source. ^_^ He's the type of friend that whenever I think of him, I always feel like someone is hugging me warmly around the shoulders.
Oh yeah! You guys have SO got to read the latest comic by Akira Toriyama. It is so fu----- funny that I laughed my ass off. The demon prince (who reminds me of Duality by far because he hates sun, likes pickin' on people, and is a total smart aleck- he's so so cute!) will complete the mission for getting water for 1) a playstation 6 and 2) dragon quest 13. *wince, wince* A gamer type of joke, but damn. (It's like when I see that yahoo advert with the molecule sitting on a couch. Being a previous chem major, I commented, "How cute!!!) ;_;

song of the day: futsuu no nichiyoubi, theme of hana yori dango

Tuesday, July 29, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 07:24 p.m.

flipped the lid...
Okay, so I thought I was bad last week, but I really am going loony. Subaru now thinks he's a mermaid in Calendar Boy. ^_____^v It' so cute! *wince, wince*

"The water splashed again, as at that moment, I stole a kiss from him.
Seishirou turned to Hokuto, saying, "I'm still trying to figure out what's so wrong about this arrangement..."

Hokuto shook her head while lifting up an eyebrow. Smiling devilishly, she said, "Well, enjoy it while it lasts. But what are we going to do while he's like that? He's supposed to do a photo shoot and have a date with that director today..."
Seishirou shrugged his shoulders. "We'll find a way."

I pulled on Seishirou's tie again so that he would look at me.
Then, I smiled while poking his nose.

Smiling back at me, he commented to Hokuto like a spoiled child, "Are you _sure_ I can't keep him?"
"Sei-chan!"

Like a child learning to talk again, my voiceless lips said, "No, my Sei.""

Monday, July 28, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 09:37 p.m.

kowashita kakera. -
And when once was gone
is now forgotten.
A fool seeks no pardon,
the seeker gives no redemption,
a beggar laughs and chokes on a cracker.

I will cut and rebuild
for Rome wasn't built in 3 days.
Cut and bleed,
cut and bleed,
bleed some more,
makes me only try harder,
because I am displeased.

It'll never be enough,
but whoever foolishly thought
that they were ever
wanted to be complete?
Whoever thought that they could?


You made me
a broken glass shard,
but years from now,
I'll give you more.


And when most of the pieces are arranged,
you'll remember the little girl
who was so generous
to have her heart, mind, and soul
picked by vultures.

I'm sure you'll remember me then.
I hope you do...

...because I never wanted
to become like you.

Saturday, July 26, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 04:28 p.m.

cool! ^_^

What color are you? (Anime Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

Saturday, July 26, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 04:27 a.m.

Random request...
^^;;;; I've not watched much of Weiss Kreuz even though those four are some of my most favorite male seiyuu! (And I met Hiro Yuuki last year! He is so adorable to talk to!!) So...where should I go and watch this show? A reader is asking me if I can make a fanfic for this fandom. Right now, actually, I want to make 1) a Tohma x Yuki x Shuichi fic (yes...I um...actually like this particular threesome) and 2) a Tsuzuki x Tatsumi fic. (On the latter, though, I think I'm not too good with Yami fics...*sighs*)

I've read the most amazing fic yesterday called 'Radiofader' by Bianca-san. VERY IMPRESSIVE. You must read. Suguru x Tohma...but amazing and wonderful!!
Okee, take note of my favorite fics so far:

Number 7: X - X vs the Survey by ? - The Kamui, Subaru, and Seishirou entries made me die of laughter. Seishirou doesn't have a catch phrase. He has 'the smirk'. He hasn't been in an accident, but he's caused some. *wink*

Number 6: Gundam Wing - The Devil Made Me Do It by Isabella Kraft. *wince* So cute...

Number 5: X - Everyone loves Kamui by kerianne. One of the funniest things I had ever read.

Number 4: Gravitation - Cheating by Evangeline. Twisted. Just twisted.

Number 3: X - Beautiful by MD. I think this is the one fic that always creeps me out with its beauty of detail. I always think of water. Life giving, and it takes your life too.

Number 2: Zetsuai - Endless Rain by Neko. (She's my second favorite fanfic writer. I love all her stories. I read them way too much, though.) A very beautiful Zetsuai fic.

Number 1: X - Pitr-Loka by Isabella Kraft-sama. Pure brilliance. The fic that made me stop writing for a month because I thought I was so below her. *bows to her shrine* Goddess.

Friday, July 25, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 10:47 p.m.

whomever that is...
First thing's first: What are Adri and MD saying about Get Backers? I've not seen it yet, so why's it so gay??

Moving back to the fic...The latest one-shoter I've made. It's a simple twist on Yuki being the one who feels he can't reach Tohma in any way. I wrote it also with how I feel about writing...
...only I didn't know I felt like this. My confidence has gone up a little. The beginning is like this:

The power of suggestion is just as potent as an addiction. You think of an idea and it rolls inside of your head until you have dissected it into tiny little pieces like a surgeon cutting into his patient¡Çs pure, red heart, only he¡Çs taking his steak instead. Many pneumonic devices lead to another idea that spins inside of your head and you analyze until your heart is content.
Content that it¡Çs dead and used to the point that it can¡Çt breathe anymore no matter what you do. You have done a good job, haven¡Çt you?

Or is it?

Ignorant people rant about what they really don¡Çt know. Informed ones are prejudice against what they do know. Who¡Çs the one that¡Çs right? Who¡Çs the one that¡Çs truly open-minded?

A book in my mind is contrived in this way: An idea spilled into your hands until you obsess over it, making it look so natural.
What they don¡Çt know is that you¡Çve told the truth inside a bed of beautiful fabrications and lies called fiction. Only, it¡Çs not fiction at all because only you know what lurks in the shadows of its words.

You¡Çve bled to death in front of your public so many times¡Ä ¡Äonly to bleed numerous times more without looking like it.

As you can probably tell, I'm kind of not feeling myself these days. I'm having too many things to think about and not enough patience to breathe through them because I feel trapped in a way.
I want to believe that I can do anything, and that's what I keep on believing. I just hope my foolishness isn't what it appears to be. I feel that I've not accomplished enough in life.
I need to do more. I need to try more.
I don't know what's happening inside of me, but I feel like I've let myself down in a way. And when I try harder to get to my goal, I'm set back.
I need to cry and I need to laugh, but I can do neither. All I know is that now that I've known what I've wanted and have some of it, if I ever let it go, I don't think I can survive this time.
Maybe that's why I keep on writing in Haru's place: Am I really as strong as I look? I sure hope so.

Too many people count on me. I count on myself.

But why now...
Why do I feel so alone?

Displaced anger and confusion...and they go into fics that I've loved to write...
What a twisted life I lead inside of my head.

song of the day: ibara no namida by L'arc En Ciel

Friday, July 25, 2003
The tear of a sakura stained with blood tainted me at 03:25 a.m.