You'll probably love eneri.net.
Which Koi Variety Are You?

take the "what's my fault" quiz.
(and then browse around mewing.net. because laura is cool.)

life suddenly hands you a lemon. (no, not that kind, adri...)
Wouldn't you know it? I got contacted by a United Kingdom poetry publishing company for a poetry compilation. Wonder what they saw...since right now...all I've written are depressing. ^^;;;;

Song: The Winner Takes It All by Abba (version also done by E-rotic).
Time: 1933 hours
I had many things to say when I found myself in a blur. All that made sense to me was to make an autobiorgraphy. And yet, I found myself torn between being positive and bitter around others around me.
The other day, I had thought I was useless again. I only offer temporary sunshine, it's true. It hurt to know, but it's very true. I'm just happy I was there in the first place.
Then it led me into thinking of why I had started even wanting to be a teacher. Maybe somewhere deep inside, I was wanting to be needed. Wanting to be depended on, and yet continuously scared that I wasn't enough. It was a selfish venture, yes, but that awful thought came into my head.
Even more disturbing, I found myself thinking that all these years, I've been trying to convince myself that I was positive. As if there would always be somewhere to go. Depending on that completely. No reason to live, but just go on. That's how and what he told me. I hated him for it at the time to find he was so right.
All this time, I had been struggling to find that I wanted to go somewhere. That I wanted to prove to myself that the life my parents had given me was not wasted. Almost not able to graduate at my desired high school due to financial reasons or that I told myself for six years that I was a doll.
It all boils down to attitude, doesn't it? That simple cliche of "the person who says 'I can' and 'I can't' are both correct."
I learned that through my four years of college. When you tell yourself something, you'll eventually believe it. So because I've said, "I'm slow and average...not beautifull...why should anyone care for such an insignificant individual?" But that's wrong. I hate being proud and yet it's self-defeating to tell this.
Little by little, struggling to go beyond and break that barrier in which you see yourself as two people. The one you want to be, the one you are...And yet they're both you, ne?
I took a project to clean the desk of my supervisor Murphy, B. He's dead now, that's why. But if there was anyone close to perfection, it would be him. He had made so many films to focus on very personal issues. And he gave me a job when the department didn't need to. I found that paper that he had written, "New Works...[my name]." The person who had told me, "You don't need to know now. It took me until age 24 to go back to school and know what I wanted." (Only yesterday did I find out he was the same age as my own mommy.)
As opposed to my friend who said, "There is no reason. You just have to go on." That's life. I don't have time to waste because I want to go to a lot of places and meet interesting people that will teach me about life.
Without being stepped on...without believing that I had to be.

I may be small, but I've never met someone who hasn't said, "I've never met anyone like you." that's right. That's how I am.

I want you to remember someone sincere-[unfinished].
Even if you hate me or you like me.

Thursday, April 17, 2003
Again, my heart invisibly bled for you, Adrien at 10:05 p.m.

and a subaru we are...

I am a Dragon of Heaven, what are you?
Which Dragon are you?
Take other quizzes at Newsies Meets Anime...Anime Meets Newsies...

Well, expected this one. ^^;;; Even when I can sometimes dislike people and feel so hurt that I want to shut myself away again, I know that I'll be back because I still believe in humans.

Wednesday, April 16, 2003
Again, my heart invisibly bled for you, Adrien at 05:33 p.m.

life keeps rolling along
Today, I went to the doctor's and actually found out that it wasn't as bad as I thought. Yea~! ^_^ Also, I found a Belldandy Resin kit for my brother for his b-day. I know he'll be very happy when he receives this. This is the equivalent of me getting anything Tokyo Babylon related. ^_^

*sighs* On a sad note, I've been kind of dispondent because I've been a little lethargic. I think it's because of this grad school and moving business. I'm really worried about a lot of things with this transition and I think that's making me sick. ;_; Ah, I never stop thinking. And then I think about my friends and what they've been talking about these days. I don't know what to say or how to react because I know there's nothing I can do. I'm more frustrated at that fact then at them, but I can't say that. *sigh* Dunno what to do...

Fanfic-wise, I've been productive. Now that Sesshomaru's thinking patterns are actually making sense to me, I can proceed to making him go through torture now that Rin has done her fair share.
Forever Yours...maybe I went to fast, but I think this is good because the story has picked up significantly. I want to make it that Minoru and Yuzuki will learn to accept one another for what they can and cannot do together, as a couple and as individuals.
Right now, I'm saying this little tidbit that if you read 'Calendar Boy', you may see a cameos of a little blond boy as well as his black-haired bishie lifesaver. Yes, for the first time, I'm announcing what the hell is happening next and I'm saying now that Kaza and Riku are gonna be in the next chapters to spice up the fic too. ^_^ (Put all blame on Len-chan. ^________^v)

Song of the day: Kimi ni by Shinya (in a gravi fanfic)

Tuesday, April 15, 2003
Again, my heart invisibly bled for you, Adrien at 01:23 a.m.

Maryasia's 'Crazy'
You know what? I have a knack for finding a song that I just find at the moment I ask myself, "What the heck do I write today?" For earlier today, I had finished another chapter of 'Calendar Boy'. Took a whole week to write it (most of the 9 out of 11 pages done just this morning).
It's a song called 'Crazy' that played when I randomly looked through my brother's cds. (On a random note, yea for FF1's re-release here in the US! Red Fighter is so hot! *winces* But nothing beats Paladin Cecil, Sephi-baby, or Cloud.)

And here's how the song went:

"Love has got me crazy
So in love I can’t see
Your love is no good for me.

Love has got me dizzy
So in love I can’t see
That I don’t have time
I don’t have time for this

I know the sign
I’m on your mind
I know what you’re looking for
But step by step
Deep in your net
That my heart won’t remember
You are dangerous

Love has got me crazy
So in love I can’t see
Your love is no good for me.

Love has got me dizzy
So in love I can’t see
That I don’t have time
I don’t have time for this..."

I mean, how was I supposed to capture Subaru in this scene while coincidence worked for him in the wrong way? (Then again, I don't believe in coincidence.) I wanted to present that he was weak and he was not ashamed to let Seishirou know that, not only because he's falling in love with him, but that he feels comfortable enough to tell him. He doesn't have to keep up a front of being the heir, a brother, and an onmyouji user around Seishirou.
I think I made this very chapter very strange because it's that 'iffie-ish' feel that belies the Tokyo Babylon fandom. Fans think what they want: they don't love each other or they do. It's intriguing, but disheartening at the same time. I think that's why I continue to find an answer to my questions through it, whether it has to do with personal issues, or issues that have to do with controversial topics, the ugliness of society that you sometimes don't want to see.
For me, this chapter was important because through the salient and subtle ways, when we love people (friendship, parental, etc.), you come to that point that maybe you can't always be there for them. It's so frustrating because you have to watch with nothing you can really do. And do you accept it or fight an endless battle that maybe can't ever be resolved?
To tell you the truth, this was one of the things that I loved about Su and Sei. Love isn't everything and is that ever enough to pull you through? Not always. Sometimes there are just too many things in the way, especially when you make yourself your enemy in this type of situation.
For myself, I can honestly say that I will fight for anything, except if it means being with the person I'm in love with. I will fight to go to a certain school, fight to be the best student, fight to be the best worker, etc...but I will not fight for the boy I love because I still think that there's some part of me that's just plain crazy. I'd suffocate them. (Plus, I'm just a coward like that.) That's why I think Subaru took a long time to acknowledge his feelings. I think he had a problem at first that they were both guys, but more than that, he wasn't used to having so much attention: to him as an attractive person. Usually, he left those things to Hokuto-chan. Plus, as Hokuto-chan said, he'd love so completely and purely. (It kind of reminds me of Clover.) But I believe that either rejection or pursuit, it would have destroyed Subaru in a way. In the end of TB, he was 'rejected' persay, but even if things 'worked out', I still think that it wouldn't have lasted long. Subaru would have given too much of himself and then he would gradually find out the truth behind Seishirou. That would have been much harder.
Ah, I am rambling, but my main thing is that I never believed that love can make you blind. You just make yourself blind. It can make you go insane, though, if you think too much.

Writing advice for today: What's your take on love and hate? Are they really that different???
I believe obsession is a form of twisted, one-sided love.

Sunday, April 13, 2003
Again, my heart invisibly bled for you, Adrien at 10:46 a.m.

Let's make a wish with Kamui and Usyagi-san!
^_^ I scanned this for a friend and well, after angst-ing, I thought that waddling in anger isn't the way, so here's a dj of little kawaii Kamui...chasing the Wish bunny!

http://www.geocities.com/reiakane2/xdjglc.jpg
http://www.geocities.com/reiakane2/xdjgld.jpg
http://www.geocities.com/reiakane2/xdjgle.jpg



Friday, April 11, 2003
Again, my heart invisibly bled for you, Adrien at 11:46 p.m.

Thanks guys...
^____^ I'm feeling better today. Well, um, you can blame that on my hunny bunny Adri! ^______^v I might get to meet her! *winces* Yaoi-con here I come! *lol* Now to think of meeting the yaoi and fanfiction fans in Anime expo...Right now, I've nothing to report but that there's more SxS goodness on 'Killing me Softly' in the merchandise section. ^___^ I'm just saying right now that I've got to really show you the cute plushies of Su and Sei! *winces* Unfortunately...*blush, blush* They've become somewhat discolored from all the kisses they've received. And kumogorou (handmade from Duality!), well, his seams are coming out again because I hugged him too much. Wah.
Okay, Cocoa-san, maybe I don't want to hear that song. @_@ And Duality...um...the news says it's gonna rain on Sunday. Let's see if I can pray for that not to happen! *shakes head* It's Palm Sunday...
Alrighty! Two weeks and no fics (except the mini mini one for Clover because of the MT challenge in the Cffml). Will get to it right NOW. ^________________^ Subaru needs to be bothered (or I can't say that I'm not a fangirl... and I say good morning to him everyday with the 2002 and 2003 calendars) and I need to fulfill my daily quota. Sesshomaru needs more angst with Rin (damn, what i'd give to get ep 98...). Yuzuki needs some love. Kazuhiko needs to kick more ass. And yeah, Subaru needs to be groped today. Ah, the joys of being a devoted fangirl.

Song of the Day: baby baby (why can't we just stay together? baby baby, why can't we say forever?)

Friday, April 11, 2003
Again, my heart invisibly bled for you, Adrien at 10:29 p.m.

i need a hug. *goes to her kumogorou for comfort*
Geh, this must be one of my off days. Things didn't go well today and no matter how much I tried my best, I just feel overworked, stressed, and unrespected.
In the process, it makes me think of my pre-Tokyo Babylon/pre-Zetsuai days when things were a lot harder. ^^;;; And so, now, I'm sickeningly thinking of writing an autobio if I ever have children, so that I don't forget what has happened in my life. Then, maybe they'll understand my bitterness towards other humans. Maybe I should have been a hermit like I originally planned and write from a little corner of my world.
So, I even tried to think about fics like what to do with 'Calendar Boy', 'Forever Yours', and 'Belonging Nowhere'. But I don't know if I can do it today. I know I usually write when I'm on all-time lows, but damn, even a fanfic won't help me today.
Oh well, this must be one of my off days. I probably did something wrong again because that's what I'm good at. 'Understanding', most people say. Sometimes I just want to shout off a cliff, 'I listen to you, but do you hear what the hell I'm trying to tell you? I don't think so. So f---.' But ah, won't happen because as always with my dreams, I usually want to fall from it.

Song for the day: Fushigi Yuugi's Pride of Ice

Friday, April 11, 2003
Again, my heart invisibly bled for you, Adrien at 12:02 a.m.

The Rainbow Connection by the Carpenters
Why are there so many songs about rainbows?
And what's on the other side?
Rainbow's are visions
They're only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide But I know they're wrong wait and see
Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that wishes would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it's done so far
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
What so we think we might see
Someday we'll find it
That Rainbow Connection
The lovers the dreamers and me
Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name
Are these the sweet sounds that called
The young sailors
I think they're one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
There's something that I'm supposed to be
Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

This is the song that I've been listening to all day to keep my spirits up.

Wednesday, April 9, 2003
Again, my heart invisibly bled for you, Adrien at 11:25 p.m.

stories and shota
I'll just put it up here for those interested. Well, Len-chan, I did some original fiction (here and there). The 'voice actress' is one of them. I actually have more than 80 original stories, but only a few are out on the net. You should look in this blog's 'links' section under 'Neeko-chan's site' and http://www.geocities.com/mykumagoro/fanstuff.html
These are specifically things that I had made between 1998 and 1999.

For Mara-chan,
*winces* I went and made scans for my darling Adri...but I found one that maybe you would love, Mara-chan!
http://www.geocities.com/reiakane2/xreplica1cm.jpg
^___________________^
CHIBI SUBARU!!!! SO KAWAII!!!!!!!!!

I just promote the chibi subaru being teased by a 34-year-old Seishirou. ^^v
(Then again, I love Kai and her teasing. The scenes you wish were in the manga. *_*)

Tuesday, April 8, 2003
Again, my heart invisibly bled for you, Adrien at 06:59 p.m.

Tsuki...something that reminds me a lot of lost memories...
Thanks for your support guys. It helps me to look forward to living everyday. ^_^

I know I'm not the best translator there is, but here's what I did with 'Moon' by Rebecca. Most people only know of the English version for this Hokuto image song, but there is actually a Japanese counterpart that is quite different. Either version tells both sides of Hokuto.
I truly love Hokuto and I think she is an awesome female character. One of few whom I can respect and adore in the anime/manga world. (What's scary is that I identify more with her love to wear strange things and my overprotective nature over my little brother. @_@)
To me, Hokuto represents the ideal sister, but one that is so caring that their sibling becomes too dependent on them also. I always thought she sacrificed a lot for Subaru's sake and for his happiness because she was the only one who truly wanted to understand him. Also, Subaru let himself become close to Hokuto though there were many things, I'm pretty sure, that went through his head about all his responsibilities.

Moon
by Rebecca
(Japanese Version)

Mukashi MAMA ga mada wakakute chiisana atashi wo daiteta
Tsuki ga motto tooku ni atta goro
Koujyou wa kuroi kemuri wo hakidashite
Machi wa hageshiku kono musume ga ookiku naru no wo inotteta

[Once upon a time, when mother was still young and embraced the small me
About the time when the moon was so far away
The factory released black smoke.
The town was violent, This daughter wished to become bigger]

Musume wa juu san ni natte nusumi no aji oboete
Kuroi RISUTO ni namae wo nokoshita

[When the daughter became 13 years old, remembers the sense of taste stolen
In a black list, a name was left behind.]

MOON Anata wa shitteru no
MOON Anata wa nani mo kamo
Hajimete aruita hi no koto mo

[Moon You are all-knowing
Moon Maybe, you are everything
The things on the day of the first walk also]

Getsuyoubi ga kirai to itte Kokoro no subete wo
Tozashite shimatta musume wa
Hajimete no koi ni ochita hi
Omoide hitotsu motazuni ie wo tobidashite
Modoranakunatta
Kowashite shimau no wa isshun de dekiru kara
Taisetsu ni ikite to kanojo wa naita

[Saying "I hate Mondays" Everything in the heart
The completely shut daughter is
The day that first love fell
Can't keep the first thoughts, Flying from the house
Couldn't ever return
Broken completely in one moment, because it can be done
'It's important to exist' the young girl cried.]

MOON Anata wa shitteru no
MOON Anata wa nani mo kamo
Hajimete KISU shita hi no koto mo

[Moon You are all-knowing
Moon Maybe, you are everything
The day of the first kiss also]

(Instrumental) Kowashite shimau no wa isshun de dekiru kara
Taisetsu ni ikite to kanojo wa naita

[Broken completely in one moment, because it can be done
'It's important to exist' the young girl cried.]

MOON Anata wa shitteru no
MOON Anata wa nani mo kamo
Hajimete KISU shita hi no koto mo

[Moon You are all-knowing
Moon Maybe, you are everything
The day of the first kiss also

MOON Anata wa shitteru no
MOON Anata wa nani mo kamo
Hajimete aruita hi no koto mo

[Moon You are all-knowing
Moon Maybe, you are everything
The things on the day of the first walk also]

MOON Anata wa shitteru no
MOON Anata wa nani mo kamo
Hajimete KISU shita hi no koto mo

[Moon You are all-knowing
Moon Maybe, you are everything
The day of the first kiss also]

Advice for writing: How dynamic can you make your character? Your character has to be unpredictable, yet be somewhat predictable also. Mess with your reader's minds. It's fun. ^_______^

Tuesday, April 8, 2003
Again, my heart invisibly bled for you, Adrien at 12:42 p.m.

The Voice Actress
I had given posts to my fanfiction ML of old, old stories that I had done before 1999. They were a mix of stuff, and were actually the lot that got me to 'sad endings'. Well, to tell the truth, these were mostly from dreams I had and wrote them out from there. Or, I had many ideas and just expanded them because that's what I wanted to see.
Of all of them, one of my readers had remarked on the 'Voice Actress'. So, I looked at it again after how many years and saw some things that really caught onto my heart. It's weird to look at something and see things that you would go, "I would not say that now", or "Wow, I didn't know that I really thought that way, even back then."
I had forgotten that when I made these stories, I had always put a part of myself in each character. Even then, I didn't know I had already had this mentality once I got into writing fanfiction three years later, but not seriously until five years.
Particularly for this story, I had put Haruka as the name of the boy because I love that name, and if I were boy, I'd want to be called that. It is the reflection of my obsession with Yamaguchi Kappei-sama. But my dream job is to be a seiyuu, actually. =^^= And so, I totally put myself as 'Megami Nemuitterno'. I read the lines:

"You shouldn't feel any obligation or any gratitude towards me. My name was just a personality in itself!" and "I lasted this long because I am forced to live! And another thing, even if I can't be seen, I give others hope. Why do you think I am popular? I am a dream. We all thrive on dreams."
I...I...so many things are running through my head on how to explain this to you and myself. I had chosen my name as Yui...and my cowardice was reflected by all that I put into this character 'Kari' who played a seiyuu named 'Megami'. It was true that I loved writing fanfiction because no one could see what I looked like. That's why I do not like taking pictures. I never liked the way I looked because I always thought I was ugly. And we as humans are so easy to judge people by the way they look. I'm not denying that in this aspect I may be shallow, but it is very true.
I saw how far I had come since I've written this, both as a writer technically and as a person. In a way, I am still scared about many things, but courageous about more things that have come into my life.
I don't want to see the world again from a third-person perspective. So, I am thankful that what I want isn't just a dream. I want my dream to be a reality.
As I was reading my books for class, I saw that I was lucky, despite all the hardships. This was probably nothing in another's eyes, but that is all right. I want to give a dream to someone, even if it's just from me, imperfect as I am. I think that's why I want to be a teacher, but also a writer.

In the end, Haruka said, "I followed a voice who called to me. I liked the call more and more, but I didn't want to see who it was. I was afraid. I didn't understand who you were."
You are your worst enemy. Sometimes you see things that you want and are blind to what you already have.
Maybe, until now, my problem is that I always want to be better. So, I'm very harsh with myself. Also, maybe that is my strength, a duality that is contradicting, yet simply understood.

"You will always be there
Wherever I go and do.
You'll never see pain,
Always feel myself flowing..."
- Megami Nemuitteruno, 'Always by me'

"If you've heard my song, 'The Voice'/'Koe', you have to listen carefully next time. I've been living up to the title 'beloved voice actress'. That is true. All you ever heard was a voice. But you didn't pay attention to 'actress'. I am an actress. Not only a voice, but as a person as well. I thought that if I could hide my face, people could accept me easier by imagining who I was." - megami
I guess, this will always be a struggle within me. To be what I want to be...and seeing what I am...

Tuesday, April 8, 2003
Again, my heart invisibly bled for you, Adrien at 12:28 a.m.