I don't get it either, but they are correct. *sweatdrop* *thinks of Subaru*

You are "Komm, Suesser Todd"

Which Piece Of Evangelion Theme Music Are You?
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PREISTESS

(females)what is one of your past lives? (results contain pictures)
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Friday, May 9, 2003
I made a silent wish inside my heart and killed it in my mind at 01:30 a.m.

random yaoi group
I set up a random yaoi group having to do with finding merchandise such as movies or reviews of stuff having to do with bishies.
I had been looking for a recommendation called 'bishonen' and finally, I think I'll buy it 'cause I finally found it! I also found others. I buy even though I don't know what to expect, but hey, that's how life is. (And Dammit, I want the new Zetsuai cd that's out).
If you want to join, I'll be putting that url up here later on today. Just click on the title for this entry.

Thursday, May 15, 2003
I made a silent wish inside my heart and killed it in my mind at 06:01 p.m.

getting better!
^__^ This week has been so SO busy! I go from place to place and it's a wonder that I'm even typing here if I'm supposed to leave in a few minutes to go confirm anime club t-shirts. Heh.
Nothing much happening here except graduation preparations and trying to find a humble abode to live in SF. ;_;
Been trying to do my best with fics. They're all in my head and I've finally figured out what to do. It's just the time and my tiredness. Now, I have time, but I've been looking for scholarships or graduate school related stuff, so it's been takin' all my time.
I think I will re-read Clover so that I can get a better feel of its structure. It's so weird because I have nothing visual and audio. If only I could find out the Maaya Sakamoto song that's used for the Clover clip, then maybe I could really delve inside it and not be so hesitant about writing for it. Clover is different because it's more visual than any of Clamp's works. (I know, I've got almost all the manga. ^^;;;)
OH! You guys visited! MD molested my board? :p Mali-chan! Yea~! Take good care of yourself. Adri~! She's alive! *glomp*

Which X2 Character Are You?

not feeling well
Been sick for the past week. Well, off and on. So, I've not really done much. (Not much more than I should have done. *sighs*) I don't think I'll be getting well anytime soon if I keep on stressing over stuff. WAH.
What's more is that my fanfics are suffering with me as well as gaining. Suffering? Yes, because I've been putting all this romantic descriptions that I usually don't put too much in my stories, though they are focal points. Something is strange and I think I need to come back to reality a bit. Then again, I think I round that out with the angst. Gaining? Yes, because I actually do much better with any type of writing when I'm not feeling well. As in, I'm sleepy or I'm depressed. It's because that's how I let go of my emotions without hurting myself...in a physical sense of the notion.
So, instead of being productive this weekend, I wrote for Forever Yours and Belonging Nowhere. I even was able to write that Kingdom Hearts fic I wanted to write since December. I think Riku, Sora, Sephibaby, and Cloud are totally, totally hot. Then again, I'm a Seph and Cloud fangirl. Now, if only I can get my hands on Kingdom Hearts Final Mix Platinum. It's only about 40 dollars more than I paid last time, and it has all these cute freebies.

Right now, I'm kind of confused on where to go with life. It's easy to say, "I'm going to San Francisco." (In which I will be waiting for sweetie when I see you in yaoi-con, ne?) But the whole moving thing has gotten me worried not because I'll be leaving my family, but will they be able to let me leave. *sighs* It is complicated to say and it's not one of those "i have to stay because they're telling me to" or "i'm obliged to" or even the whole "i'm scared of being away". No, it isn't that. It's the fact that you're the balance. And if you're gone, what will happen? Oh well...for now, I must find myself. I was thinking, "I'm ungrateful for saying that I wish all this stuff didn't happen to me" only to find that now, I'm glad I did. I _have_ had a good life.
I want to be more than I think I could be. Is that possible?

*laughs* *melancholic smile* Well, I guess that's why I made that Kingdom Hearts fic. It's called 'Going insane in silence'. (Something I would probably say about Hokuto too.) It's Riku realizing he loves his friend more than a friend. And he's unsure if that's the way it should be. It's a short piece, but I made it half an hour with all that my broken heart could make in that short of a time before drifting off to a dream about being a mistress of a man who happened to be a pirate. He had a wife, but he loved me more in this dream. I lost a child because I tried to save him and his wife (who had no idea about me, even though we lived in the same place with many people) was very angry. Yet again, I found myself going insane in my dream and trying to drown myself in the ocean, but he wouldn't let me die. (Typical in my dreams. There's always someone who wouldn't let me die, even in real life.) I was brought back and the next thing I know, I am pregnant again.
Maybe it's trying to tell me that I need to let that other opportunity go. It wasn't meant to be mine. But the next one, it will surely be mine. Surely.
That is all I can believe in right now. In God and myself.

Song of the day - Runaway by Linkin Park

Sunday, May 11, 2003
I made a silent wish inside my heart and killed it in my mind at 11:59 p.m.

"interesting" quizzes. "..."

You're dark yaoi. You like lots of angsty emotional
turmoil and you're probably into NCS fics. In
real life, you might be depressed, or maybe
you're just poetic?

What kind of yaoi are you?
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Which Wolf's Rain Character are you?
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Shigure

Which Fruits Basket (Furuba) Character are you?
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What's Your Love Style?

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What Natural Disaster are you? Take the quiz!

What's your favourite flavour of Duo?
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I like...

Let a Random Quiz tell you what to read.

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Are you a Seme or Uke?

my week off!
Well, this week has been the week that I just sit down and relax. And to add to this, it's funny that one of my teachers chooses to cancel class so I didn't have to get up at 8:15am. Yahoo!
What's up? Just working, school, and the like. I was able to talk to my childhood friend and it's been great. She and I, who were best friends, are still the same in tempermanent and manner. ^^;;

Fanfics! Belonging nowhere is getting somewhere. I am just trying to figure out how to integrate Sesshomaru's past and his future with Rin without getting really overdramatic.
Calendar Boy has gotten...heh. I have a lot of cards up my sleeve and I hope they will be played successfully. Subaru is right now in Seishirou's arms...will Sei-chan want to take advantage of him? I commend him for keeping his cool with Subaru and the kimono falling off somewhat.
Forever Yours is really almost done. Just a few chapters more, but the latest one must have been the weirdest chapter I've ever done. Trying to convey sexuality and a persocom while not making it too graphic. ^^;;; Oh my. I can't even do that for my yaoi fics. ^^;;;;;;; (maybe I _should_ make a yaoi fic for Seishirou and Fuuma someday...)
Wrapped around your finger. It's been really killing my brain lately. I know what I want, but I might by killed by some fans for being really cruel for the rest of the fic. More angst for Ryuichi and Hiro to come. And Tatsuha! I can't go without mo-I mean, touching him-I mean, writing about him.

The weird thing I can't stand about myself is that I can't sit still and do nothing. It drives me up the wall.

Song of the day: DDR 7th mix - Dive Into the Night. (A mix that combines 'Can't Stop Falling in Love' and 'Dive'. And I like both of those songs!)

Thursday, May 8, 2003
I made a silent wish inside my heart and killed it in my mind at 02:14 p.m.

the quizzes speak for themselves...

Your are Trowa and Quatre (Gundam Wing)

Which Homosexual Anime Relationship are you?
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You should be a Virgo! Virgos are Modest and shy,
Meticulous and reliable, Practical and
diligent, and Intelligent and analytical. But
they can be Fussy and a worrier, Overcritical
and harsh, and Perfectionist and conservative

Which Zodiac Sign Should You Be?
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True, yet I am a Sagittarius. ^^;;

Sunday, May 4, 2003
I made a silent wish inside my heart and killed it in my mind at 06:07 p.m.

surprised, yet honoured?
What am I thinking right now??

1) People keep on mentioning, "How can you write so much?" And I'm just as amazed when I want to say, "You read _all_ the chapters in _how_ many hours?" or "You really read _all_ my fanfics???" *blink, blink*

2) Where the hell do I go and find a Subaru of my own?

I wrote 4 fanfics in two days after a month hiatus. (Not of my own volition, mind you. Okay, maybe half.) And *blink, blink* I am _very_ amazed about how many hours I leave the computer to find my mailbox flooded. =^_^= I'm so happy to be wanted, but it's _amazing_ to receive a lot of feedback.
It's just scary that there are some people who actually tell me, "I've waited for the next chapter forever!" I know I get that passionate about expressing myself too, but I didn't know some people meant it quite literally about the whole, "I check everyday to see an update." ^^;; Whoa, I'm...really flattered. *blush, blush*
It's also funny to find how readers can read your story in about a few hours when it took you about 6-7 months to complete like Killing Me Softly or Aching Desire (thanks to my toaster girl who told me to get along with it).
And well, each fandom is different with its fans. I find the gravitation one very shuichi like. Very super genki. Then there's the Inuyasha group that seems very reserved and calm, but they're so responsive as well. There's also the Tokyo Babylon group. Nothing to be said here. I'm a rabid fangirl, and well, I know people worse than _me_. *coughs Hisoka/Shuichi/Subaru-lover coughs* That's scary and yet I love this fandom because you find people that are from every spectrum of Earth! Genki to super angsty, which suits me just fine. ^____^v (Oh, beautiful Subaru! Yes, I say this a million times, but I think he has such a wonderful soul.) Any Clamp fandom has been pretty rabid, as far as I can see and it has been GREAT! There's the Ranma and Eva groups. *sighs* I love writing for these series, but it's either they like you or hate you. (I feel like a doujinshi. *lol*)

Well, Yui's been relaxing this weekend and trying to make a lesson plan for class. She should be doing more relaxing, but she's restless. My father drove me to Little Tokyo and I got to buy BRONZE 12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kouji! You jerk! How could you do that to Izumi?!?!?! (I'm an Izumi fangirl with Kouji's obsessive tendencies. ^^;;;;;;;;;) *sighs*
Well, I better get back to napping or watching Wolf's Rain. Finally got the episodes...
Oh yeah, Adri hunny, what's that game you were saying on your blog a while back? BL? Boy's Love? Yui's kind of lost. @_@

Writing advice for today: Sadistic as it may be, you may find out the character you love the most is the one you like to torture the most too. Also, pairs you didn't know you liked could come out once you get cracking. It's true! I didn't know I liked TatsumiXWatari until I wrote about it. (My fav. Yami no Matsuei pairing is a contest between Tsuzuki x Hisoka and Tatsumi x Tsuzuki. I like both of them! *wince, wince*)

I didn't get to go to the Kappei movie...but I saw X-men and have my Bronze 12, so that's okay. Happy belated Birthday to beloved KAPPEI YAMAGUCHI!!!!!!! It was yesterday!!!!!(And please notice that all of the fanfics I've written this week, he had been a seiyuu for a character in each of them. Wah! I LOVE YOU!!!)

Song of the day: Kokoro Hitotsu Areba by Yamaguchi Kappei

Kokoro hitotsu areba
hoka ni nanimo
iranai itte
dareyori mo tsuyoku dakishimetara
namida itoshiizuku mo

Translation:
If I had only one heart,
the other is nothing.
[I said,] "It doesn't exist."
Not more than anyone, while holding [you] tightly in my arms,
Tears also continued painfully.


Sunday, May 4, 2003
I made a silent wish inside my heart and killed it in my mind at 05:37 p.m.

i'm still alive?
Well, I still can't believe it has taken me a month to get back into the swing of things for fanfic-ing. I think it's because I have so many ideas and I don't know what to do with them all. Then, I don't know which one to start on first and by the time I'm able to do so, I've been tired out by school, work, and teaching. *sighs*
Then again, honestly, I've been on a low that I can't quite understand myself. I'm not sad about graduation, no, it isn't that. It's just that I seem that I've come to a point in my life in which I'm questioning the way I live and the way I am. In doing so, many doubts have been coming to mind. And it literally makes my chest hurt.

On a brighter note, I've made another chappie to Forever Yours and Calendar Boy! I'm happy about the way things are going for these two fics. Forever Yours is now able to move more into the topics I had wanted to write about earlier as well as Calendar going one layer deeper than I anticipated. Subaru is innocent, but is his passionate nature and quietness also destructive? Well, yes, I believe so.

Saturday, May 3, 2003
I made a silent wish inside my heart and killed it in my mind at 01:04 p.m.

being absent
I've been super busy these days, but also, I didn't want to spread my negative feelings. When I'm quiet, that's the time to worry. I'm not only saying this as a joke, but once I start keeping to myself, it's like a disease that scares me. All I see is colored by anger...and then I won't be able to distinguish who is who to myself.
This happens when I become so angry and frustrated and hurt that I won't think twice about hurting someone, even if I do care about them.
I've two sides to myself. The one that's an angel of compassion, but also the other part of me that's a devil that can't distinugish between who's who once I reach my limit. It's a scary thought, and it's even more awful for me to live with. And yet, this is myself.
I've been listening to nothing but Ace of Base for the whole week to keep my spirits up, but right now, it's hard to. All my effort's been spent and I'm at my last thread. And then, after all these years, I found out I had an acute breathing problem that could have explained almost everything. When I get too stressed or frazzled, I don't breathe well. I wouldn't have had to get anxiety attacks, faint everywhere, have many chest pains, threw up, or whatever if I had known this. All because some doctor had said, "[You] have some mental problems." Well, ha, I showed them.
I know I'm rambling right now, but I hadn't been writing because angst would have made me even more depressed and that wouldn't be good at all. Not at this time.
And yet, I still smiled whenever I got a good e-mail that told me, "You write well." I appreciate these comments more than many may realize. When you've lived your life to be told many things of what you can't do and believe them, you forget what you can do. That even breathing is awesome. All my life I was told, "You may not be a looker, but you're very perky, friendly, and smart." When you go to college to find out you can't even have your greatest asset (being smart), you doubt a lot of things. So, my fics are my children and tell me, "You can do this also. You're good at this, like singing."
*sighs* I want to find what is mine. I love being a teacher and I taught for the first time (for a class, I've been a tutor before) last Wednesday. It had many problems, but I was so happy knowing that I was doing something beneficial with my life. I just hope that I will also become a writer also.

Fics have been on my mind and I finally figured out how to do 'It's all in a look'. I found the missing piece. Subaru...beautiful double-sided Subaru... (Not to mention my little brother going to my apartment and saying, "Subaru's...EVERYWHERE." And I thought, "Oh, yeah..." * thinks about the multiple Clamp Tokyo Babylon posters and calendars * Eh heh.)
Well, have fun with them. More to come and soon.

Duality - Dreaming about bishounen does have its advantages, especially when they're in 3-d and person form. They kiss well too. ^____^
Adri - I just love children. I can't help it. I want to be a mother someday. And about dreaming bishounen...hee hee. Wouldn't you like to know... but what's this about a girl in your dreams? Is there someone who is before me in my sweetheart's heart???! *a little jealous*
Mali-chan - I have no idea on how to make the layout for a blog because this SxS one was made by Adri, but if you want a Pitas account, just sign up at "pitas.com".

Song for the day: "It's a Beatiful Life" by Ace of Base
I don't deny the ugliness of the world, yet I can't stay away from its beauty.

Sunday, April 27, 2003
I made a silent wish inside my heart and killed it in my mind at 10:19 p.m.

My Tokyo Boy
and so, I've been craving so many days to write something. but due to homework, I've not been able to. It's either make new quizzes, homework, or scanning. I want my homework done, so I'm sorry for the delay in stories. They're all in my head, I can assure you. I've not given up in trying to get it all out.
Today, I actually got a rough draft of 'Calendar Boy' because I had been thinking about the theme 'self-image' for all this time and am very satisfied with the focus of the fic so much. I know it's an issue with me, so I'm happy that I can actually be honest about it.
Here's an excerpt:

The door closed behind him as the song ended with my silence echoing louder than any karaoke machine at that moment. I looked at my hands, and then at the screen.

Would it be too late to run after him…

Stupid, Subaru. You wouldn’t do this for anyone else!

I found myself opening the door and running out with the click-clack of my slippers. But, so many things were crowding my ears that when a door opened, I shouted, “Sumi…”

“…masen!” I finished as I found myself on top of a blond, young man who looked up at me with swirly eyes. “Ano ne…” the blond said.

“I’m so sorry!” I bowed my head with my hands still on the sides of the young boy’s head. I blushed as I scrambled to my feet.

I pulled the disoriented boy and looked from side to side as I knocked on the karaoke room the guy had come out of. The door opened. A handsome, black-haired boy with glasses looks at me with a grim expression.

“Eep…” I think as I sputtered, “I’m so sorry, but I bumped into your friend because I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

He lifted up his hand and shook his head. Instead of getting upset, he grunted and muttered, “Figures.”
But with affection in his eyes, he took the blond into his care and said, “Thanks.”
I bowed my head and left them.


WAI~~~~!!!!! I've fallen in love with a song called 'Tokyo Girl'. I think it started with the whole 'oh, song on Mara-chan's site' but I just glanced at it. I downloaded it yesterday from a site along with su x sei amvs!!! It is SO SO SO SO SO SO KAWAIII~~~~! I'm so addicted to this song that I've not listened to other songs as much as this one. (Well, I've always loved Ace of Base.) Hours at a time to the point that I got Duality addicted to it too. ^_^

"Tokyo Girl" by Ace of Base:

Tokyo girl, Tokyo girl
You've got the moves to rule the world
That cute inscru-tability
Tokyo girl, you're a mystery

Tokyo girl, Tokyo girl
Shaking up hearts around the world
You can't forget that stunning face
Smiling at you it's your destiny


She's got the face sweet as a baby
Elegant taste and money to burn
Her "yes" is "no", "no" is a "maybe"
Her language is so hard to learn

Tokyo girl, Tokyo girl
You've got the moves to rule the world
That cute inscru-tability
Tokyo girl, you're a mystery

In Tokyo

Though there's a fire burns inside her
Outside is ivory, silk and ice
Nothing she wants is denied her
You'd better take my advice

Many have tried to get near her
Deep in the heart of Tokyo
Found nothing there but a mirror
She's no one you'll ever know

Tokyo girl, Tokyo girl
You've got the moves to rule the world
That cute inscru-tability
Tokyo girl, you're a mystery

In Tokyo

She's got the face sweet as a baby
Elegant taste and money to burn
Her "yes" is "no", "no" is a "maybe"
Her language is so hard to learn

Tokyo girl, Tokyo girl
You've got the moves to rule the world
That cute inscru-tability
Tokyo girl, you're a mystery

Tokyo girl, Tokyo girl
Shaking up hearts around the world
You can't forget that stunning face
Smiling at you it's your destiny

In Tokyo - sweet as a baby
In Tokyo - sweet as a baby
In Tokyo - sweet as a baby
Sweet as a baby
Sweet as a baby
Sweet as a baby


Wednesday, April 23, 2003
I made a silent wish inside my heart and killed it in my mind at 12:18 a.m.

And yet again, I don't believe in coincidence...
Well, this is a very strange and personal story for me, but I've been meaning to say it because it's just something I need to get out.
Long ago, I had written an original story named 'Kagami' which was based on a dream I had. The strange thing was that I felt that when I woke up, I was just living in a dream for a few days. The dream was that vivid and real that I couldn't let it go. And until now, it disturbs me even though I've tried not to think too much about it or read my palm. (I have an acute esp thing going on and so I see things in the future and past.)
Well, it so happened that there was a person named Adrien (which coincidentally is the name that sounds the same as that of the Yuki Kaori character I had gotten). There's too much to tell about this person, but it's too confusing. All I can say is that I've never met this person, but he was and is always in my dreams.
In relation to 'Kagami', I made the story based on that dream and this person named 'Adrien'. He looked like Shion from PSME and never ever talked, but he was very gentle. In the dream, he died and I (who was a Chinese woman named Mei Ling) had a miscarriage and died in the rain while walking because I had gone crazy.
I know it sounds crazy, but I do believe in reincarnation...ack, this is so weird. I guess I just needed to get it out. That feeling I get when I pass by certain people in my life and think, 'Haven't we met before?' with all sincerity in my intentions to ask but always too scared to ask.

On a happy note, I got a story published in a magazine in Canada. The story is called 'Innocent' about a child who sings to himself every night. The previous one published was called "Soultakers". It's based on the Japanese mermaid legend and its toll upon a woman and her son.

Writing: maybe try writing something you've never done like reincarnation, sci-fi, or other. The only thing you can do is grow.

Sunday, April 20, 2003
I made a silent wish inside my heart and killed it in my mind at 12:56 p.m.

things going in and out of my head...


Kurama! Wow, I'm honored. I actually like Yoko very much. ^_^

What Drink Are You?

tokyo babylon fan...obsession number...???
Well, instead of making fics this morning, I went ahead and made a quiz. ^_^ It took me three hours to cut images, make questions, and then put everything in.
I always wanted to try it once and so here it is. It's not the most well-done, but I tried my best. ^_^ And from my own quiz, I'm given this:

Kiss Kiss

What Tokyo Babylon song are you?
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Isn't is so sad that you know your Tokyo Babylon tracks so much that you can do a quiz like this? ^^;;; And no matter how many times I look at this quiz, it's scary to know that it's accurate...
I took the quiz as a test to see what I would get (trying to ignore the fact that I knew the answers), and damn, this _is_ accurate!

Writing advice: Write and write. Look it over in a few days, weeks, or years...you'll probably see a lot about yourself that you didn't know, changed, and stayed the same.

Saturday, April 19, 2003
I made a silent wish inside my heart and killed it in my mind at 09:14 a.m.