partially out of the slump
Sounds fast, doesn't it? Well, I don't like dwelling on things too long. I'm still emotional and way too critical for my own taste right now, but after watching Yakitate Japan, I got really happy. Ryo almost kissing Meister. AND HE WAS WEARING GLASSES WITH A LAB COAT!!! *NOSEBLEEDS* Omgomg! *nosebleeds more* To me, scientist/nerdiness is even MORE sexy than a business suit! That's saying a lot! Yes, I like being mindfucked. What of it?
I then read Harlem Beat 3. Man, I really like this comic book. I'm glad I got back to it after all these years.
What I really loved about this part was that Shurman turned out to be Shoe. *_____* I actually liked Shoe and didn't care much for the team captain, thinking he was the 'typical admired captain' sort. And he was, but seeing him rugged and a bad boy made me realize that having two completely different sides was all right. It made him admirable and pikapika shining to me. I found it totally attractive because it meant that he exuded his confidence in both ways. I don't know how to put my finger on it because it's complex in my heart. I just really liked knowing that fact about that. I hope I too will learn to be that confident.
Ah, and I made a Tactics fic yesterday. A sort of 'ending' for Haruka and Kantarou in a way. I really liked it and I made it as detailed as I possibly could. I got one reviewed that said I used too many adjectives and I smiled. (Weird huh?) I did the fic almost the total opposite of my usual style because I'm always experiment with style and presentation. On another note, it made people cry. I looked at it again and I only cry at the end. ;_; I'm just happy the person I made it for liked it. ^_^

I will not be discouraged. Even if I feel weird because it's April, I've got to stay strong and focused. I don't like wasting my time and I don't like dwelling on negative things. Sure, I runaway to restrategize, but I've got to learn to not cut something off when I think that I will become pissed with or upset by it.
From a day of thinking, I learned that one of my problems is that I honestly get annoyed, but I rarely get downright mad because I feel guilty of doing so. I don't like being negative and I don't want that to consume me. I'll get depressed, but I don't want to my anger to eat away at me. I like being bright, but I'm not meant to burn people. I don't have the heart to do it, no matter how angry I become. It's weird.
Maybe that's why I'm such a pushover sometimes, but that's okay. As long as I'm not taking advantage of people and I try my very best to be my best, I do anything.
I am anything. That's what MA's/Yui's do.

*laughs* Since when did I ever try to keep up with 'the rules' anyway? I break 'em all and make my own. I will not ever learn. *shakes head* v^______^v

song of the day: the sound of the wind
My bed is by the window. I sleep with the window open and the blinds open with the sun on my face. I always go to sleep so peacefully when I nap during the day because I feel that's the closest feeling I have of heaven.

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Friday, April 15, 2005 at 10:35 p.m.

in the middle of watching Tactics 25/end
Hmm. Suzu-chan, huh? I caught on since she appeared. My instinct isn't ever wrong. Clamp is still the only one who doesn't make things predictable. That's why I still like them, even if just a little right now.

My ESP is working too well these days...
I am so tired. I wonder, is it normal to be so listless?

God, I don't understand a damn thing about myself. I'm taking days off guys. I'm sorry, but I just don't want to talk to anyone right now.
I'll probably just make fanfics for the time being. I don't want to bother anyone with my unbearable negativity.

Sore de wa. Mata ne.

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Thursday, April 14, 2005 at 04:59 p.m.

sleepy, tired, emotional, and moody.
2005 All rights reserved.

Swimming.
by miyamoto yui

In my dreams, there is only you and me.
We tiptoe around the red lake while the moon shines.
Never really reaching one another,
we immerse ourselves among the lives
of all the sacrifices left to drink.

They say it's for our safety, our own good,
our form of love, our protection,
a preservation of our humanity.
Then why am I going crazy
in the midst that isn't even there?

I close my eyes pretending
that everything will go away,
like a little kid whose happiness
isn't inside, but outside
with a warm hug.

You're still on the other side.
You've not come in to soak their blood with me.
You said you would do anything,
but just not that?

We break in shards, reflections of
how we used to be.
I grieve for the past, present, and future,
I cover my face with my hands.
There's nothing but blood.
Nothing but this substance that keeps me alive.

My tears wash only some of it away
and you're still there looking at me so blankly.
You look as if you're about to walk off.
You know I'm a mute.

I can't shout out.

You ignore me.


No matter how much I walk,
the path keeps on getting longer.
I can't seem to keep up,
I don't see your back anymore.

The water gets deeper.
I'm in the water...

...and you know very well,

I don't know how to swim.

There isn't a song of the day today. I want everything to be a little quiet...

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Thursday, April 14, 2005 at 03:39 p.m.

all right~! i had another fma dream~!
Last time was pretty amusing, but this time...wow. Ed's REALLY pretty like Duo and Al's so cute~! XD I just had to mention this because they both were so beautiful. That's all I remember from the dream, but it was vibrant.

I wish I could go to sleep on time...my insomnia has turned for the worst. *_*

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Thursday, April 14, 2005 at 10:42 a.m.

sleeping for real now...
I really was going to sleep early today. I had it all planned out. I even got my bed ready along with my clothes and my bag. (I'm so slow in the morning before my shower that I just don't have the mental capacity to just pick out clothes or organize my things.)
But *sighs*, insomnia is ever my restless, sensual friend who invites me to not only stay up, but write a suddenly-inspired fanfic. What's it for? Loveless. Yes, you're reading this correctly: Loveless.
Smitten isn't the world. It's a cute way of saying that bondage can be adorable. Kouga Yun-sama, I finally worship thee.

Finally, I'm going to sleep. Kamisama, sheesh, I'm feeling so emotional that I'm listening to no music...*takes a deep breath*
I'm not sick, but there is something wrong with me. *trying hard not to fall into depression* *goes to bed*

Oyasumi. *holds onto Kumagorou tightly*

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005 at 03:35 a.m.

AH~! Now I get it~!
Although I feel a little sad and upset over some circumstances beyond my control, I shall still think positively! (It just saddens me when some people think that can be taken for granted. Maybe I set myself up to be treated that way, but I am deeply saddened by these turn of events.) But the thought that occurred to me right now was, "The reason why you're feeling this way is because it's April!" I do not know why, but this is the weird month where I'm on a really bad low. I'm glad I recognized this early on so that I won't feel so bad about why I feel so harsh, critical, and moody.

song of the day: automatic by utada hikaru

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005 at 08:21 p.m.

WHOA. Is this REALLY the Hikaru who couldn't sing and now sounds like a god?!
Yes, you're getting this live from Yui's secret headquarters! She has just listened to Tactics (provided by the lovely love_tactics lj community) 2nd sound file in anticipation of hearing Haruka's image song, who was played by Heero-er, Midorikawa Hikaru-sama. *____________________* Is this THE song for Hikaru-sama? *nodnodnod* *nods energetically with other head gestures without shouting, but wants to* MMHM~! Just like Predilection is the Kappei-sama song, Taiyou to Tsuki wo Daite (Holding the Sun and the Moon) IS THE Hikaru-sama song! *blink,blink,blink*
Duality used to cringe at hearing 'Ore dake no kotoba de' (which still makes me smile for hours straight 'cause it's so fun and adorkable) and we used to say, "How can a voice THAT SEXY ever sing like THAT?! It's not possible, and yet, there it is~!" That remark is so erradicated as of this moment.
But when I saw Tactics, I was so happy to hear Hikaru-sama again. It has been such a LONG time since I've heard him! That's why I'm so glad to hear him in anime all over again. See, the sexy voices are: Kappei, Koyasu, Seki Tomokazu, Kazuhiko Inoue, and Hikaru. For girls: Megumi Ogata, Kikuko Inoue, Chika Sakamoto, and Ai Orikasa. Now Ryouma's/Ed's and Fuji's seiyuu are on this list as well. *_____* (Fuji's seiyuu is a cutie pie though... She teases on purpose! It's horrible. But if you have to see a cute seiyuu - Inui's voice actor. *_____________________* And Megumi Ogata-sama. *drool*)

Going back to Midorikawa Hikaru, oh how I've missed you~! I'm so happy you're back. ^_^ You did wonderfully as Sora. I'm taking long with Tactics, savoring every second of it. It's so twisted and pretty. Haruka...man in suit. That's all you had to know. (Why are business suits such a turn on? I feel that I should either defile or be defiled. If not, at least molest a cute uke~! XD)

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Monday, April 11, 2005 at 09:32 p.m.

the need to rave!
I'd just like to say (since it's been on my mind half of the day so far) that anyone who's gonna watch Loveless, the subtitling by the "We Suck" fansubbing group is AMAZING. I'd say it's some of the best translating I've seen in a long time. ^________^ So, I urge you to watch it 'cause it's very accurate, fluid, and overall, well done. The overall presentation's good. Yeah, the subtitler has got some mad skillz.

Loveless is stuck in my head. ^_________^ Cute cat boy (12) with Soubi (20), Beloved's fighter. *_*

So far, this has been a trying day. Why must people take advantage of me? *sighs* But I will think positively~! The day has not begun and Yui hasn't even fought back!!!
Ever the optimist, I start the day again hoping it will shine for me.

song of the day: love song by luna sea

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Monday, April 11, 2005 at 02:49 p.m.

Currently reading Duality's FMA fic.
If I ever said to you that I couldn't worship you any more than I already do, I was SOOOOO wrong. *smirks*
I didn't see my beautiful goddess this weekend! *sob, sob* I need my eyecandy. I saw some, but they pale in comparison...

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Sunday, April 10, 2005 at 11:19 p.m.

I'm feeling strangely odd this weekend.
It's a funny thing. I am more used to being depressed rather than balanced, lazy, or a little annoyed. This weekend (it has not ended until class starts tomorrow ^_^) so far has been up and down. I am unable to really put a definite name on it because I myself do not understand its presence, or rather, it's lingering hold on me.
I had a lot of fun on Friday and even went to Japantown/Nihonmachi with my classmate. I don't know about people giving me food, but I am happy for it. I have learned to be compliant (though with much protesting) because I will just be thankful and happy for a person's generosity towards me. (Still, I wonder why there are people so kind to me...)
On Saturday, there was total misunderstanding. After being totally laid back for about a week and a half, I didn't catch that I was supposed to meet Duality at lunch, not dinner. What's more is that I met with more than 7 students this week and the reason I wasn't able to meet Duality was because I said I would help one student on the weekend. I did it because all my students were freaking out. Needless to say, I love them and if I can help, I will. But he didn't reply to my email so I waited at 2pm as planned. Thirty minutes go by and I see that he isn't there. I was planning to go downtown after meeting him. On a whim, I email him to find that he wrote me an email less than 45 minutes before our meeting. It was bad on my part not to specify a deadline though.
I was almost not going to meet him, but then, I thought that if he came at 7pm and I wasn't there...yeah, so I stayed in my room doing homework. I met him and tried to burn cds for a friend. My computer doesn't want to comply to some of my wishes and so I am still in negotiation with that friend on what to do. *sighs*
I call my mother to spill out to her my slight frustration at the day. Then, I take a deep breath and try to be patient. I take my mother's advice to finish my homework and go out walking tomorrow. So, I finish the project due next week. But I have to print out something in the library for another project. I go to the library. The printer's ink ran out on my 20 pages. (Yes, you pay per page.) No, it isn't a lot. I pay more for snacks with that kind of money. It's just that the library do not say anything about me going over and saying, "Excuse me, but I think the printer has run out of ink." Maybe I'm just super polite to just let them know, but they don't say anything. The girl even tells me, "Um...you don't have to wait for me. You can print in the other printer." I was just thinking, "As long as another person doesn't have the same problem as me...*sighs*"
I get out of the library and smile a bit even though I'm frustrated. It's as if everything is trying my patience. I suddenly get writer's block when I get to my room. In the end, I watch Tactics. I really like Kantarou and Haruka. There is something about Suzu that really doesn't bode well with me for some reason...She's not annoying, only when she wants Haruka's admiration back, but that's everyone's thing, so it isn't that. It's just a feeling I have. And how obvious must one be to name a child 'Rosary' and integrate it into the plot line? I used to do that, but I was unaccustomed to Japanese words. The English fusion/shift thing for linguistics...we shall not go to there. I will speak about that for hours. ^^;;;; I like analyzing verb tense and aspect. ^^;;;;;;;;;;;; --;;;;;;; Yes, I'm a nerd. Anyways, so today is here. I go to church and I'm debating on what to do afterwards. I decide that because I have a biiig stomachache (from eating so damn much), I'll just go to borders. Yea for Red River 5 and Gravi 11! On a whim, when I get out of the bookstore, I decide that I don't want to go home if the sun's this nice and hot. I hop on a subway and think, "I'll go as far as I can go." I end up on Embarcadero (Fisherman's Wharf area/piers) and walk on and on even though it's windy. (I get honked at and I don't have a skirt on because of my big bruise. T___T I feel so...covered and hot...I can't wait to wear shorts again to feel cool...) I go through Chinatown. (These days, people have been nice to me when I order dimsum. Usually, some ladies look at me with a 'Don't you speak Chinese' look and I do my blink-blink routine trying to say, 'Um, nope.' Then I go ahead and throw them off by saying 'thank you' in Mandarin.) I always buy bao/pork buns whenever I'm there. 2 fills me up. I take a detour and go to Union Square in order to see if Hot Gimmick 8 is there. Of course I just have to read it. =^_^= Now I have no idea what will happen because I only bought 6-8 in Japanese last time there was a crowd in Nihonmachi. *laughs* Has it been that long? I walk some more and though I want to go to my playground, I go back home instead of the Metreon. (It is scary that the Playstation boys know me. ;_; And I can't figure out why.) I take the train that doesn't go home, though. Why? I'm still on my 'adventure'. I get off about 4 miles away from home and decide that I need to go get groceries. I can't live without milk for my cereal. (Yui is a cereal addict.) I've been eating a lot...off of other people's food or my leftovers. My roommates and classmates are so nice. T_________T (I get chocolate.) I come home and I have things to do. I will do them a little later. I'm tired and watch the subtitled version of Loveless. It really is a nice experience.
No, I do not care if it is shouta. I have lost all inhibitions due to various circumstances which were in my control and I decided to let things be so I end up where I am now. Let's make a distinction, shall we? I do not like pairings of children together. I like pairings with large age gaps like 16 yr old Subaru and 25 yr old Seishirou or 16 yr old Tatsuha and 31 year old Ryuichi. And even pushing that aside, as long as the plot is good, the characters are okay, and there's something justified or to be learned, I WILL watch it. (On much shallower cases, it's simply that Kappei-sama is in it and I don't care if it's on crack like Sensei no Ojikan or hentai.) I still stand firm - I will watch anything as long as I can learn something about life from it.

But why this whole spiel? I still have not cleared through my feelings. Though school is giving me pressure, I'm more concerned over the fact that I'm feeling a little blue, but do not know the cause. I'm not lonely or anything. It's just...I feel overwhelmed.
Despite my slight annoyance over things, I'm still quite happy. I'm just feeling as if I have been too lazy these days, eating too much, and reading a lot of scanlations. I really should learn to prioritize or manage my time better to be productive. My 6-8 hour studying per day is now 2-4. I don't like that. I hope the pace will pick up.
Or, the thing I learned this weekend: I have to learn that there are more ways than one to be productive. To me, if I do not do enough homework, I feel insufficient. I have to learn to acknowledge that if I have cleaned, done 2 fanfics, walked around the city, did the necessary homework, and read all in one day, then that is very good.
The overachiever in me is so resilient and stubborn. *sighs* Fight-o! I'm too energetic that my body and my mind can't keep up with one another. I need to relax. *laughs* Ah well, I might feel strange, but *smiles* if I look at life from a happy, more optimistic perspective, I find that I am no longer frustrated. I am happy to see and experience so many things. I love my life.

From reading all this, does my definition of 'productive' and 'lazy' really differ from my friends and family's definitions of these two words? It makes me wonder sometimes. ^^;;;;

song of the day: something by atsushi with the lyrics, "AISHITERU~!" The wanting, yearning, and desparate scream of this one line is enough to make me smile. It touches me deep within me.
There are songs that burn my heart to a crisp because it's so strong. This is one of those songs. Not to mention that the sexual tension is SOOO powerful as well. Heh.

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Sunday, April 10, 2005 at 08:21 p.m.

just finished loveless ep 1.
I don't know why I've heard this name before, but that's all I can recall. All I can say is that my heart was beating so fast every second I watched. I've been listening to the OT ever since I downloaded it from Adri's blog. (Thank you, sweetie.)
It is utterly beautiful. Mmm...my words are insufficient and this frustrates me. (That kiss was so pretty in itself...) Of course, being the seiyuu whore that I am, here's Ed/Ryouma's voice actress as the neko boy.
I don't know what else to say because I'm in nothing but awe. I don't know how I'll go to sleep after all this quiet excitement. I can't even shout. I'm too overwhelmed with emotion. (But I reallly dislike the pink-haired girl. She's annoying. More annoying than Tohru, Miki from Marmalade Boy, and Miaka combined. Needless to say that I cringe out of disgust at her. I wonder why boys find stupid girls like her so 'adorable'.)
But to end this on a happy note, I'm really taken in. I feel like someone just killed me. Actually, I feel like someone just took my body and made it pliable within their hands.
I'd sell myself for such a thing. It's a scary, obsessive thought. It's that damn dark and beautiful.

*chuckles softly* Oh, and screaming boys have beautiful voices...

Beloved: "I'll give you anything. Yes. Anything. Body...heart...soul too. I'll give you everything/all of these things."

song of the day: loveless ot

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Saturday, April 9, 2005 at 01:49 a.m.

Throw myself at someone like Roy? I see and say why not?!
Been doing homework and having fun at the same time. I try not to stress out too much. Am I lazy? I think I am. I wonder what is wrong with me, or is it because it's kinda slow since my teachers haven't assigned anything for the final projects yet and I finished everything else early? I've started on my research papers for next month. I will just be happy with the downtime then. ^_^
I have been looking at too much yaoi. Not that that's bad, but I've...learned more than I should. Speaking of, I responded to a fic challenge and wrote 'it's a color deeper than blood'. It is my latest FMA fic. I like it a lot because I got down and dirty with my angst. (Okay, so I put ed in a white blouse and underwear with Roy staring at him. You know I support voyeurism in my fics. ^_^;;;) It's Roy x Ed. And thanks to Rose, I got excited over ep 43, saw it today as soon as it loaded and...*skip heart bea-rapid heart beating* Does 'I want that man named Mustang' mean anything to you? There's no shame in saying: I'm totally turned on. ^_______^v
On a side note, I cannot wait for Korean food. One of my Korean classmates and I are going out on Friday. She always makes me laugh. I wish I could use humor in my teaching like she does. Me? She says I'm way spunky. I wake people up. ^____^ I'm happy to know that.

But I thought I'd share something I modified. It's my new icon for my lj: coming yet? *drool* Yeah, I know it's awful to look at, but eh. *grin* Aren't Ed and Al soooo cute~?! XD One of my new friends said to me, "Hey you! Get back to work!" *cracks imaginary whip* I smirked and said, "How did you know that I like bondage?" ^_~ Strange as his weird logic is, I think I will become very good friends with him.



Oh, and the icon I didn't use. ^^;;; Why aren't ukes just giftwrapped for you? (I don't like pink, but cute is cute. And on a bed too? My lucky day? *blink, blink*)


still the song of the day: believe by nami tamaki

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Wednesday, April 6, 2005 at 11:06 p.m.

I came back from teaching!
I am very happy and proud of myself today. I'm glad it turned out really well. I now think of myself as a teacher instead of some student still transitioning into one.
^___________^ <-------tired from completing an FMA fic early in the morning, but happy about the lesson!!!

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Wednesday, April 6, 2005 at 10:27 a.m.

Let me enlighten you.
I was at Kino yesterday and I saw an FMA shitajiki for sale. There was Mustang. Enough said. Then there was Ed. More no comments needed. I read the saying for it like "I don't care about destiny" for Gravi.

I didn't think anything of it because I understand linguistic sayings sometimes don't carry over from Japanese to English or it is a combination/blend as it usually is.

MY FRIEND reads it and it is JUST WRONG. Why was she amused?

Read for yourself: Forging flesh is taboo in alchemy.

No further comment. Are you amused?

Me? Realized it in yaoi terms...(yes, I am slow) I giggled like mad.

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Monday, April 4, 2005 at 12:32 p.m.

I haven't been in my room more than 5 minutes...
I just walked in~! What a wonderful day~! XD It was sad that daylight saving came because I lost an hour, but it was so cool~! I got to eat dimsum at this AWESOME place. One hour waiting time, but IT WAS SO WORTH IT~! There was food for my stomach for my eyes! (LOTS of cute boys to stare at. I'm filled~! Yea~! Young punks...gotta love them.) Then, I went to Kino and got my bro's present! Ate sushi and went karaoke 2x today. I think S-san, her husband, and I sang well today. (Well, S-san's husband hardly sings, but I think S-san and I did our best this time 'round. ^________^) But! That isn't what I got excited about...

I. SAW. A. TRUENO. I've seen my brother's friend's that has the Fujiwara sticker and looks exactly like Takumi's, but this one was SO CLEAN AND CUTE~! I'v3 always want to jump on the hood and hug a Trueno!!!!! Yes, I understand it's one of the things I dream of doing before I die...
Actual conversation several months ago:
Bro's friend - "Kyouko from Initial D? Keisuke's chick is a _weirdo_! What kind of woman humps a car like that? *looks at me * Don't you think so? Me: *blink, blink* I like Kyouko~!
Bro: *waves his hand and then makes a thumb gesture towards my direction* You don't wanna ask her. *slaps hand on forehead*
Bro's friend: Why?
Me: *looks at Bro's friend* *serious* I would do that. I would jump a car. A Trueno, actually.
Bro's friend: "...Oh."
Bro: *shakes head* *sighs* See?

Flash forward to the present ---> Today:
Me: *calls brother* Brother, brother, brother! I saw a Trueno~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bro: That's cool. ^___^
Me: And I GOT PICTURES~! XD
Bro: *calm voice saying 'I'm used to you'* Good job.
Me: ^____________^

Ah, this is a weekend of weird things!
1) Cut my finger by accident. Bleeding went through my bandaid. ^^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
2) Fell off my bed while fixing it. Thank Kamisama that I'm uninjured...except for this big bruise on my beautiful leg. T____________T
3) Got asked out by this really cute guy. (Turned him down, though. Not attracted to him even if he had pale skin and black black hair... And well, 'other' reasons. ^_~v) I've been complimented (on anything you can think of...I'm serious...), hit on, catcalled, harrassed, and honked at...but never formally asked out, and by decent, honest and cute guy. I'm...flattered?
4) Pope John Paul II died. T___________T I read his biography when I was in 3rd grade. I really did look up to the guy. (Pushing all jokes aside that now I should be second in line...) I liked him a lot even though I always keep my feelings about religion and politics to myself. 5) I finished all my homework. I'm just having a hard time getting that PoT special (I hear it's Fuji and Tezuka fighting who gets to be seme) and Haru won't load to my comp. *sighs* And Tactics has ended?! No! T_________T

But all in all, this has been an interesting weekend. Some sad, some happy moments.

I'm beat, but I'm happy about my life.

song of the day: Believe by Nami Tamaki

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Sunday, April 3, 2005 at 11:59 p.m.

And one is finished~!
After a 4 month hiatus in the TB fandom, I eventually have come back with a vengeance with a new fic~! It invokes mixed feelings with me, but the suicidal and sweet feelings linger in its nature, so I'm happy with it. It was very hard for me. I still feel that I'm unworthy to write for such a fandom when there are so many great authors. However, I shall not ever give up~! I want to contribute to my favorite manga~! XD So, 'iyaseru' is now on my lj. I updated 3 other fics last night: fma's kizu 4 and 2 parts to an ongoing yuki (gravi) series. Seeing as how I wanted to see if I could do a hint of shouta, that's what came out. Also, I felt that hating Kitazawa Yuki was a bit too one-sided. I don't like what he did to Yuki either (rape isn't a pretty thing to say the least ^^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; --;;;;;;;; and I shall not further explain my feelings on such a subject) but I felt that I wanted to twist Gravi. After all, I'm always pushing onward. I did it with mixing up pairings. Now, it is a new realm for me...kinda.
So, *takes a deep breath* I'm leaving my room in an hour. I love my computer too much that I've been too addicted to it lately reading yaoi and doing homework. Keeping up with life stuff is so hard. I need a nice long walk. I will study outside today where my sun awaits me!
I hope you will also have a wonderful day~! (And I will read the fic when I come back, my bitch goddess. I will take my break then.)

song of the day: Polish band's "It's Raining".

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Saturday, April 2, 2005 at 12:35 p.m.

Dork, that I'll always be~!
I'm in the middle of watching Yakitate 17 (THANK YOU KAMISAMA that I didn't have to wait long!) I really shouted, "Whoa~!" I'm embarrassed...I hope my roommates didn't hear me. ^^;;;; *ROFL* Ryou half-naked and doing nunchucks~! *WINCES* This show is so gay awesome~! XD It's so loony, but heartwarming and energetic.
But Ryou half naked! It's like having Ryousuke go bonkers. I love you Koyasu-sama~!

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Saturday, April 2, 2005 at 11:15 a.m.

Cuted out~!
Yes, I actually said aloud, "AWWW, how cute~!"
Takumi: If Ryousuke-san says I can do it, then I can!
*shakes head* Takes encouragement from his boyfriend and thinks he can do anything. *lol* Not that I don't think these things are untrue in the least. ^_^
But also, when Ryousuke explains about Fujiwara's 'ability', I thought of something really bad for an ID fic. *slaps head on forehead* *winces* Ow! Damn the wonderful long nap I had today...

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Friday, April 1, 2005 at 07:20 p.m.

I'm moved to tears again.
Alexos-san gave me this Polish song of one of the translations that I really liked. It really did remind me of Subaru and Seishirou's feelings and so I feel inspired to write for them and make up for the 4 months of silence in the TB fandom.
But I think the translations and the song have picked me clean (like whenever I hear Predilection) because it brings up all those feelings I have of the past. Though I'm still confused and angered, there was that light of hope. And there was that person I loved through it all. The song reminds me of him. I'm hopeless. *laughs while wiping her tears away with her palms*
There's nothing left to give. There's nothing left to think about. That's how things are. I'll always be condemned to be prisoner to that 4-letter word called 'hope'. I try to find meaning in things that no longer exist in my realm of control. I try to remember all the memories that are fading and pressing them onto the letters of my fanfics to keep from forgetting.
I write a million things and yet, they don't really capture anything, this feeling I've kept deep inside. I hold onto it like my precious little child. That's why I take care of my fanfics.
I'm just happy these feelings have come through. That I wasn't alone in my desparation to keep that part of me alive.

With that, Sukisyo...I love. It's nutty, but I love. I just want a kiss though. I never was so sappy before, but I really REALLY wanted a happy ending. (I usually am not so determined about these types of things. Things are the way they should be, in my head. But I absolutely DID NOT want to think that way. They SO DESERVE happiness~!) *mwah* And here goes the plot bunnies...Ran, my corrupted uke. I labu u~!

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Friday, April 1, 2005 at 03:17 p.m.

T___________________T I LOVE SUKISYO.
I have not even gotten through half of ep 11 and I'm dying. No, I'm serious. I'M DYING. This could be one of the weirdest things (though I predicted a lot of it, so there weren't too many surprises for me except...Shiinichirou~! T___________________T *wah~~~!* *BAWLS*) I have ever watched, but it's SO twisted and bittersweet...and as psycho as I love things to be. I'M HAPPY. I'm just...WAH~! When will I find a show as sexy (Ooh, Yoru hugged Sora! Talk about a different kind of 'loving yourself), complicated, and yaoi?~! *sighs* I hold my breath as I will watch the rest and through the raw 12.
But no matter what, I still love Yoru. And due to this turn of events, I think Ran is DEFINITELY my favorite character. So psycho~! Beautiful and distorted. What more can I ask for?

song of the day: kono sekai no katasumi (ichinomiya kantarou's image song). it is very addicting. silent, yet strong. i just like her voice...she's like ogata-sama...sounds like a boy~! XD (why do love people who can cross the gender barrier?!?! god, i love my life even more. ^_~ on that note, who'd be willing to live in a peculiar living arrangement with me...*ROFL*)

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Friday, April 1, 2005 at 01:58 p.m.

ryuichi's b-day!
I can't believe it's already April~! But oh well....HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO RYUICHI~! My favorite Gravi character~! XD (Played by my Kappei-sama~!)

and just finished watching yakitate japan 16. 17 has ryou half-naked. T______T how can i bear this? (this is even better than when he tried to take off his pants! XD)

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Friday, April 1, 2005 at 01:10 a.m.

Today is my kinda day off!
I have been overwhelmed by work, so I will take it easy. My body has won this round. v^_~v It's been shining today and I'm too energetic to just stay in my room. I hope I can take a short walk or something to absorb the sun.
I know this is the worst week for me to do such a risky thing, but I can't take the pressure of all the work. I need a good, solid rest with long hours of sleep. So, I'm happy for today.

I felt like hearing Kappei-sama too. Today's song is 'Predilection'. I still think this is the best song he's ever sung! Whether it's the first or nth time I've heard it, I still continue to be mesmerized by it. It's poetic and polysemic, so I can't help but use it as a continuous source of inspiration for my fics or my own life. It's desparate and strong. It is wonderful, but seductive. I believe it carries the essence of Ryuichi that I've always thought of him as. Then again, I've loved Ryuichi because I saw so much of myself in him.
But, never underestimate a cute smile and a bunny!

There is that darkness
that I can't seem to escape from.
I grab the rocks with my fingernails
and slowly climb to the top.
My heart hurts from all the crunching
and I run out of breath
from just thinking with my eyes closed.
And yet, I still persist on,
I want to live
with all that I have to give.
Even if people tell me it's impossible,
I only believe in my own words
of 'Don't ever let go!'
It would be easy for me to fall behind,
but I want the best.
I don't know what that is,
what I have to bypass,
whom I have to go through,
but I must get there.
As long as there's that faint light,
I will protect it.

I am a dreamer.
I am a fighter.

I can no longer wait to be saved,
to be told what happiness is.
I have to live on,
and not foolishly say, "I'll die for..."
whatever reason.

Break me every which way,
my mind,
my body,
my soul,
I don't really fu-----' care.

Just don't make the fatal mistake
of telling me,
"You can't do it your way."

There IS only one way.
And it's MINE.

I play in reality with my own rules!

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Thursday, March 31, 2005 at 12:34 p.m.

as of right now...
*bawls* I haven't even seen the episode, but...Tenipuri is over~! *sniff, sniff* This reminds me that I must get back into writing fics for Subaru/Seishirou. It has been a LONG while. I love them, but to do a different angle has been difficult. And the things I've been thinking up...well, people will either be shocked, weirded out, or turned on. *laughs* *buries face in hands* I've learned to write smut! (Thus I wrote a slight lime for Tactics yesterday and put it up today! I can't help it. I LOVE the Haruka x Kantarou pairing. They're SO cute!) *shakes head* I wish I could make more yuri though...*sighs more* Girls are so...mm. (Thus, my lj icon is now *drum rolls* SATOU ERIKA in all beautiful glory! Though I wish I had a Cutey Honey screen cap of her running with her underwear. XD Now THAT is THE body...) Oh beautiful girls and boys. T______T --;;; I feel...deprived, somehow. *goes to hug her Kumagorou* *SQUEEZE* i wub my kuma who gives me much comfort...

I've been sleeping way too much! But I ate a good amount today. (Never mind the fact that I'm getting fat.) And I didn't do homework! XD Yes, it's true! I need a break! *goes off to download more anime* *debates on watching anime, making fanfics, or reading manga*) I need to run away from the world right now. It's too overwhelming. I did well on my presentation though! (I'm so happy to be a teacher.)

song of the day: 'turn back time' by aqua

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005 at 11:43 p.m.

wow...i'm free for the night.
I will be able to sleep early today. I'm very happy about this. However, I'm feeling lethargic. I finished all my homework, so I'm happy, but I'm coming down with something. I know this because I can feel the approaching fever. *slaps hand on forehead* T_____T I used to be so healthy~!
Oh well. I'm gonna enjoy watching Tactics. I don't know why, but I really like this series. It really drew me in and I hope that there are fanfics to come in the future.
I want to work on a fanfic tonight...We'll see how my body feels later on.
Despite everything, I'm quietly happy. ^______^ I got the Tactics single and transliterated the two themes. There's something dark and meaningful about the music. The lyrics seem pretty simple, but there's so much embedded.
On an entirely different note, I read this wonderful manga. Can't remember the title for the moment because I'm tired, but it was pretty. The scanlations from the yaoi_daily lj group were really pretty. I'm such a sucker for tragic love. Having struck out with love so many times and in so many different ways/people (parent, sibling, crush, person I'm totally in love with, etc.), I feel justified to think that love means pain. Lots of it. ^^;;;; However, I'm still that optimist inside.
As I was reading one part of Alice 19th yesterday, Kyou said, "Am I kind?" And his ability to change into an entirely different person when provoked and filled with anger really resonated within me because I am entirely that way. Still, I question if I'm truly that 'pure-hearted'. But I believe when someone told me today, "Well, nice people attract other nice people." That truly touched me even though I didn't say so. And so, I shall be comforted by this. I have figured out why my aura doesn't mix with some people. My sixth sense/esp KNOWS when someone is doing something without pure intentions/genuineness. I try to push these thoughts away thinking that I shouldn't think this way at times, but it truly saddens me to know that there are people who are petty enough to justify their existence through intended hurt to bring about another person's misfortune.
I will continue to think about things of this sort, but I hope when the time comes to prove myself, I will not be hurt by unnecessary things. I just want to become stronger. And everyday, I know, if only that is how I live each day, I have done something to help towards that lifelong goal.

As I said a few days ago, "And so, my crazy dream continues. I love my life!" It's had a lot of things I don't like talking about, a lot of things I'm ashamed to ever speak a word of, a lot of things I wanted to give up on...but if it meant to be at this place that I'm now in, I'll do anything for it again. Anything is a word that I think has the greatest strength and serves as my greatest folly, and yet, I'll still use it.
I'm conquering the world. Of course I need to live through anything! ^______________^ (I just have to sometimes remember to live in the present while planning ahead for the future...)

song of the day: secret world and mienai chikara by akiyama miki

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005 at 10:15 p.m.

my first paper is done!
I'm still alive. I don't know how, what, or why, but I'm awake. I was sleepy for most of the day. I think my body was telling me, 'Stop~! Sleep or something, but stop being your genki self and rest~! You're torturing me!'
So, I took 2 naps today. My day, if you're curious was spent like this:

1) wake up 8am. go to class at 9am. TA students 'til 10.
2) meet with a student over a paper. (i'm dead tired.)
3) take a 15 min. nap til 11.
4) run to class by 11:08 and rush out to go to the library.
5) library is closed til 1. go to grocery for food. come back by 1:30.
6) vege out and eat something til 2.
7) met with a student til 3.
8) met with student and asked her to go with me to go to the public library to get the manga i requested. (it's sad that i have no time to go to borders, so i have the books come to me. aren't i smart? wellll~, that and i'm addicted to alice 19th.)
9) come back after eating and conferencing until 4:30.
10) remembered i needed to do some emails. checked email til 4:40.
11) slept naturally (no alarm) and forced myself to get up at 6:30.
12) checked mail downstairs to wake up. have been doing my paper (with two 10-15 min. breaks) until 11:00.
13) went to the library to print out my paper and come back to write this while trying to catch a glimpse of the initial live action movie. (i don't know why i have this fascination with live action anime...) i'm also trying to find the trailer for the full metal alchemist movie and ep 43 that i've never seen.

What I find ironic about this is that it looks like I did something productive. I know for a fact that I have other things to finish before Weds. and other homework that I have to pace NOW or else I will freak out at the end of the semester. (I'm all about planning, ya know?) I look at what I did and I know I could have done more. I'm so slow these days and it's more than having less sleep or getting dizzy (yes, I forgot to eat several meals this weekend...my subaru complex continues...work...and fun...). ^^;;; I feel that I don't push myself hard anymore and that I convince myself that I do. It sounds weird, but I know myself very well. I know what I am capable of and what are my 'limits'. But I keep on thinking about what Winnie the Pooh told me, "I think I understand what you're trying to say. See, it's like this. You do your best in EVERYTHING. You try to fulfill everything and all your roles. Please know that that IS enough."
But I can't help but think in the back of my mind, do I convince myself that it is enough or is it really enough? Is this the perfectionist within me or do I truly know that I've not done the things that I've needed to get done? Whenever I have to start stuff, I'm so deeply scared. Whether it's an important paper or a suddenly-inspired fic, I'm afraid of the expectations needed for what's in front of me and my own for the task at hand. I wonder if they coincide or if they conflict. And most of all, it's never 'oh, just get it done'. It's always, 'Make it interesting, original, and better from the last thing you ever did/wrote'. Always striving to become better in anything and everything, I have a mental block sometimes. I wonder why I always have this doubt of, 'Why isn't anything I do ever good enough?' My logic is that the glass is half empty so that you can do more or mix any different flavors beside the water already there. Because I'm imperfect, I can always do better. Because once I get over the obstacle, I'm fine. I find out that it's much easier than I thought. It's just starting that gets to me because I want to finish it and give it all I've got so that I won't regret it.
I'm just a brat. I want to have so much and give so much back to life!

songs of the day: listening to various atsushi sakurai tracks. THIS MAN IS ZETSUAI'S NANJO KOUJI COME TO LIFE. I'm so serious! I couldn't talk because I was smirking so badly. The slutty/sexy dancing...I never envied a inanimate object except Takahashi Ryousuke's steering wheel if it were real, but I REALLY wanted to become that microphone stand he held in his hands and molested. It was great~! XD You have to watch him. It's like Nanjou Kouji with Ryuichi's body. S-E-X-Y. I bow before the FM (fu-- me) music and his awesomeness. (This is actually what I had imagined my character Shinya to be in Aching Desire.) Damn, my cheeks are red all over again...
I've really got to stop this habit of people making me blush so much...

Conviction? Yeah, actually, I'm awaiting your judgment the moment you open your sexy mouth.
Monday, March 28, 2005 at 11:25 p.m.

Recommedations! Sites I love to visit!!!:

[x]Seshat2511-sama's Wild Angels' site!