in the night
for the most part, i'm glad things are letting me breathe. well, i think they are. i'm still a bit miffed over the ff.net thing. i wonder if i should put on my file that i will update somewhere else. i think i'm just going to do that.
but i'm happy though that i've gotten help on what to do. it really is comforting. at least when i have nowhere else to run to, there will always be my stories.
these days, i've taken back my habit of writing original stories. i see how different i was back then. i don't think i can be focused for a novel, maybe i can if i find a story i really want to do that is feasible. i'm learning how to balance things out and make more detail. but it's hard to self-learn story writing with no instruction. i wish i could be a writer in print. no, i shouldn't say that, 'cause i have been published, but i mean a serious novelist.
i want to surpass the illogical constructs of my mind, but in order to do that, i must persist in trying to understand the parts of myself that i don't get.

i wonder who's going to anime expo. i think i'm going for the sake of tradition. something always surprises me. then again, i may be torturing myself...
"how do you say, 'i want what's in front of me'?" - harrison ford in sabrina<---i love this movie!

song of the day: key's theme (english)
"you say as you look away, so now at last i know where you've been...

tell me do they love you there? such a fool that i have been, foolish me.

Lost in your arms, i float away,
don't you know? don't you know?
with this new day i'm longing for you,
i...i...i want to guide your heart back to me,
with these two hands.
i want to know it's me that you love."

Thursday, March 11, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 06:30 p.m.

ah, how great things are...
ah, i've just received an e-mail from fanfiction.net that i've been banned from uploading fics. why? it said that 'iron butterfly' (fruits basket) did not follow guidelines, but i don't know what exactly that meant. i do have 161 stories on the server and NOW they tell me this??? hmm...makes you think. for the most part, things have been really shitty on my end and this just adds to the great joys i've been having. ah, but what makes this more amusing is that the reason it was banned was marked as "0". I am wondering why...
So, i'm sending out a desparate plea right here that if anyone knows another place to upload stuff, then i'd be most grateful. ^_^ for now, i'll try to get all the reviews before they totally ban me. so, whatever happens to that account, happens. sucks though, i spent so much time on that thing and that's where a lot of my readership came from...

song of the day: pride of ice (fushigi yuugi)

Tuesday, March 9, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 06:40 p.m.

Tasukeru.
in my silence and my cold, i've been spacing out (which is quite rare for me). things seem almost dream-like and though i know i've gotten enough sleep, i just float along my day. it's not that i'm happy or anything of that sort, it's just that i feel like things are unreal.
and in my waking reveries, i've been walking around, despite the fact that i should be sleeping and getting better. 'yeah, right' to omotta. i walked all over japantown and chinatown yesterday on a lucky whim. (let's push aside the fact that i love looking at people and that there are just absolutely beautiful, beautiful men and women to worship. * winces *) i didn't know why i walked all that and to the Metreon as well (okee, playstation...final fantasy...i miss cecil the paladin...). i just knew i had to walk somewhere, go anywhere. i think i've been working too hard because i do have a cold (but i'm ignoring it...stubborn, i am).
i've been very confused about things and though i want to express these thoughts, i find that they make no sense once they leave my mouth. i repeat things because i want to be heard or that i want to hear myself saying them, to make sure they are real. i say these things aloud because i have not resolved them inside my head. maybe i will just continue to think quietly so that it will straighten out. if not, i'll just translate djs and soseki novels to myself. heh. (yes, thank you God for putting fake 6 out in borders for me to peruse. you go, you hottie Dee!)
ah, but these days, the fanfics (full metal alchemist and fruits basket) have been the theme of my life right now. i'm not sure there is a particular theme, or rather, it is a series of different emotions all at once. simple thoughts with complicated consequences. FMA came out all right (yes, i do support the mustang + edward pairing), but even i can't believe what i wrote for fruits basket. akito is more deranged and though i fear a character such as his, i've come to admire his arrogant manner in the fic. but as to why he had to attempt to kill hatori, my fetish for blood got the best of me.
all in all, akito is fighting for something he doesn't know or quite understand. it's an anger that's surfaced along with loneliness that he doesn't know how to resolve. i know there's a point for this fic, but it's just not one, so i left it open. i hate that, but i left it open regardless. all i know is that it's very artsy, both real and unreal. that the only one who can save you is yourself, and maybe you feel like you can't do even that.
life is suffocating me and i hope i won't drown like in my dream. but then again, as with all my life and in my dreams, there's always someone who saves me. whether it is someone i know, someone i don't know, myself, or an unknown force, i'm always saved. i wonder why that is. i don't find myself very special, or special enough to be saved.

song of the day: actress in the mirror (KOR)
"Lit by a lamp in my bedroom,
Who am I really looking at [in the mirror]?
Maybe we've lost our imagination for one another the more we got to know one another,
Probably, you wish me to be as unemotional as that [reflection]."

Sunday, March 7, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 01:50 p.m.

the world, i can't protect...
What a farce we put up with the world,
Today I dreamed we were drowning,
don't forget my words
at the end of the world.

Once again, it has flooded.
God kept his promise,
and so we committed suicide
by ourselves.

Friday, March 5, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 04:43 p.m.

i thought it was quite strange...
for when duality told me on the phone that my blog was always 'philosophical', i think that was the time that i realized that i truly was shy about expressing my opinions about stuff. i didn't want her reading my blog while she was talking to me and i didn't know why.
however, it did answer a question that frustrated this past weekend about 'admiration'. maybe i got frustrated over this because i myself do not see myself as someone great. i always feel so 'ordinary'. or rather, i feel less ordinary and more of a psychotic being whose idiosyncracies aren't meant for human consumption because it shouldn't be understood. it just 'is'. whenever someone tells me a compliment, i don't take it lightly, but it warms me because most of the feedback i heard all my life was negative. 'ma, you're blah, blah, blah...' and so, when i went into writing and found out that i didn't suck as much as i thought (i used to REALLY dislike poetry and essay writing, let me tell you). then again, what i write in my blog is an inkling of how i think.
then, that was the moment i understood why my best friend, even though she knows every damn thing of my life, reads this. but i don't think it's philosophical. i've thought like this since i was a kid. 'if someone acts a certain way and reactions like thus, then the result is such...' a complicated way of thinking, but i've always been that way. i've always observed people around me. to tell the truth, i didn't talk in comprehensible sentences until i was four. and from then on, i was discouraged from saying my opinions, so i kept them all in my head. plus the fact that people still say they don't understand what i say is quite frustrating. my defense: being quiet. (ah, so there is danger in my silence, isn't there?)
and so, this is the best way for me to communicate because it's the best way for me to tell what's on my mind. i think in this fashion every day. i never think of 'me', but 'how will this affect my future and the people in it? it's a 'we'.' maybe i take too much responsibility upon myself, but the thought of even wasting one day in my life apalls me to no end.
i want to learn from life and people. and, i want people and life to learn from me.

song of the day: hesitation by megumi-sama

"the gap between perfection and reality become closer.
one day you will show me the meaning of my tears.
and you will always be there when i look back,
and you're always there to support me.
it is the time to give somebody these feelings.
and i will never say those words 'i give up'
whatever i can do for you
i will try until that day comes." - megumi


ah, i wish i could hear more of her music. i miss her immensely. she's the one who inspired me so much through all these difficult times.

Thursday, March 4, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 01:40 p.m.

protesting...maybe SF has everything to do with it...
Ack, my record for not getting sick is shot. I'm coming down with a cold. I feel tired, but maybe that's because I've been rushing from place to place, both physically and mentally.
I find it sad that I have to vote for increases within my school fees in order to keep programs. I know this is a usual thing, but the budget crisis in CA (and from a future teacher's perspective) is dire and is really, really disturbing me as an educator. The UC system, I have recently heard, is cutting 10,000 qualified applicants to keep in budget. Damn, that was about the number of my incoming freshman class into UCLA when the chancellor and dean were speaking at orientation/first day of school.
I don't know how other people feel about this, but I thought I should share my opinion. Most of the time, I keep quiet about politics and religion, though I have my views intact. I just find this particular problem very distressing. How can someone say that the people of tomorrow will be qualified if they keep on cutting the education of those who WANT to get further in life? It is atrocious and though I will not protest physically, I must say that change takes time. It will take years and probably beyond my lifetime. As a student, person, and human being, I must do my part as an individual to help this problem and others that I feel strongly about, like homosexual marriages.
Years ago, if someone had told me this, I would have said it wasn't possible. Going to a Catholic private school all my life until college, I was taught not to advocate the marriage thing. I had a lot of thinking time in college and I realized that yes, it is possible. Religion is a man-made thing and it is great to have something you believe in, but do not let it rule over you. You must administer it into your life and modify it, not to your own tastes to justify your actions, but as a 'decent' human being.

On another note, those of you who play RO (aka Ragnarok online), have fun. My little brother and his best friends are fighting against the authoritarian measures the owners have been implicating over their game play. What I mean is because they have surpassed those who made the game, the owners of the server are now banning anyone who protests against them. I'm upset for my brother, but I must say that pushing the characters to their full potential isn't bad. It should be a compliment to those who made the game. It just shows the love and care these players give and appreciate the fact that they have had fun on that server which was masterfully done with a sense of community and love that is now dwindling, both by the owners and the players.

*shakes head* I cannot understand those who contradict their own lifestyle by saying they want to make a change and be passionate about whatever or whomever they're chasing after, only to have their actions speak that they want to defer someone else from feeling that kind of ecstacy in living to the fullest.

*lol* I feel like I did in high school when I did American democracy speeches for my district. ^^;;;;;; (Oh dear, I had to read that EVERYWHERE from the Veterans of Foreign Wars to rotary club to leadership classes to...) I didn't know why they ever chose me to represent them, but maybe I'll learn that later.

song of the day: in the night - theme of 'key the metal idol) / english version

Wednesday, March 3, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 07:02 p.m.

donna ni mirai ga
I find myself in the middle of chaos. It is all inside of my head and when I am quiet, as Duality says, that's the time when people should truly be worried. I lost my umbrella today and though it may not be a big deal to some people, it is to me. It's like Niko giving me a bento box with chopsticks. Even though I haven't used the bento box, I use those chopsticks almost everyday because it reminds me of her. Even though we're not classmates anymore, I still eat dinner with her. And that umbrella stuck with me through everything in my years in ucla and here, now, in sf too.
I've been thinking of many things and I've been discussing a lot of things with people, esp., of course, Duality, but overall, I see that this is my drive to keep me going. I worry, but I like getting things done. I like being ahead. That and the fact that I hate being left behind. And also, I am slow with a lot of things, so it takes me longer to learn some things, both in life and at school. Things don't really hit me until later. That's one thing that's odd about me.
I'm trying to more than get by through life. I want to enjoy it. I want to be more than what constraints are put upon me. I'm stubborn that way. I get what I want because I'm bratty in that sense.
And it disturbs me when I'm not given respect as a human being and for trying my best in life. It's funny when people tell me they like the way I think, but the way I act is too aggressive for them. Well, their problem, not mine. What I mean is that I'm trying to fight against losing who I think I am and what I want to be. It took too long for me to get where I am and I want to have as much as I can of what I want. And I think I'm coming to that point in my life where there are too many things trying to hold me back or keep me from moving forward, but I won't take it so lightly.
Maybe this doesn't make sense at all. I'm just trying to...to...
To be better than what I think I am. because my greatest enemy has been myself...and the way I view myself. But I will not lose to the views that have been programmed into my mind.
I cannot. I will not. I must not. I will conquer these mentalities. I am only human, but I want to surpass that basic fact.

"What do you do with an opponent who is always evolving?" - that is my favorite quote from Tezuka so far. I want to evolve and be out of my pursuers' grasps.

song of the day: ordinary world

Monday, March 1, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 02:38 p.m.

rosier
I'd have to say, today was quite amusing in the class I'm TA-ing in. We were supposed to do interviews and some people had trouble with topics to ask their partner, so I tried to help them by asking my own questions. Then, I gave examples from my own life. It's funny though that some were shocked that 1) love videogames (esp. Final Fantasy), 2) like J-rock bands (I had my Luna Sea cd with me), 3) want to become a Japanese lit prof, etc. And here I thought I lost my touch for communicating with people. But I'm happy about this. I now know I can be articulate as long as I'm not distracted by something. (*lol* Niko and Duality know I can get very distracted when certain people pass by. *smiles*)

But anyway, I don't know why, but whenever I feel bad, I listen to Kappei (big surprise) or Luna Sea's 'Rosier'. I always lip sync it to myself because it makes me feel relaxed. It's like Ryuichi is singing to ease the pain of love and everything else in the world. You can't get close. You can't hold it tight. You can't love. You can't get close...only, this is all in your mind. And the 'it' exists with no name.
Am I truly as poetic as I sound, I wonder...
That is always what people (readers, teachers, classmates, etc.) tell me. I never thought of myself that way. I don't know what it means to be poetic, but maybe I understand the feeling.
I just want...to understand what it means to be human...and how i fit into this definition of humanity.

"Rosier, itoshi sugite."

Thursday, February 26, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 07:13 p.m.

You know what? I really am a dope, but I will be better about it. I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. (*Is in super genki mode/optimistic Yui in session*) I am wandering around, but I know what I need to do and how to get there. I shouldn't dwell too much on little things.

Life is hard, but I won't let it kill me. I've just got to figure out a strategy to conquer it...*is perked up by Duality* *reads Adri's msg again and goes '*_*'* *SMIRK*

song for the day: Please burn up love passion by matsuoka-sama.

Thought for the day: I AM Nike.

Thursday, February 26, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 02:18 p.m.

bleeding venus


My ecletic, electric coal
Scooping out the parts in a deep bowl
Eaten like a piece of jello
Denying with a look that's mellow.

We turn, hit, and kill,
Words are the worst of weapons
Shouting in a shrill thrill,
how a perpetrator runs.

To you a martyr is brought
clothed in shrouds of hypocracy:
A beauty created by the banks of this world rot.
Destructing and decomposing in leprosy.

Venus is always remembered in history, but she will die.
Nike shall claim overall victory, down to the last rye.

--And so, yes, this is my sonnet for the day. Funny what lack of sleep and class observations with 'law and order' text can do the delicate soliloquies we have inside our demented head.
song of the day: predilection by kappei-sama

Wednesday, February 25, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 07:57 p.m.

persistence mixed with frustration, but an undying spirit...
As of the moment, I have lots of papers due and I have finished half of them. I hope that I'll be able to breathe before starting on my take-home midterm. I don't feel well at the moment, but maybe that's because I am disappointed with myself. I find that my main problem right now is that I am unable to express my thoughts aloud because of all the muddle, but when I have clear thoughts, I can speak well. I never thought I could before, but you learn things as you go along.
I feel like Subaru and I am faced with reality at a terribly quick rate. I have to think of another strategy to my life. I am unsatisfied with the way things are going and I will fight against self-pity and the chaotic demons inside of my head. I may be studying all the time, but I'm no fool as to what needs to be done inside and outside of myself. I want to change myself to always become stronger and better, but also, I want to be able to help the people I want to. But, I feel like Tezuka. People keep on coming to me for answers, but I don't know where to get mine. I just keep on praying that I am going the right way and I believe that is enough for now.
I will not ever give up.

Ah, glad you like the letter, sweetie. ^_^v Hope it cheered you up.

song of the moment: ayumi's naturally

I'll keep on running until I find the end,
but if the end were never to come, I'd be happier
knowing that I never stopped,
and kept on going.
I have too little time to dwell on what I can't be
and too much to work on what I will be.

Monday, February 23, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 01:43 p.m.

sekai ga mawatte...


Tell me why the world spins round and round
and we find ourselves in a paradise of hell.
To ease our pain, we place more inside of us.
And when that is not enough,
we kill more and more and burn inside of our minds.
We waste away and we pretend
we don't see anything
when there's something on the street,
a paper about homelessness:
your heart is missing.

And I cry to the world,
why was I born into such solitude?
Under the skies, I am no one.
Down here, I am everywhere.

I want to succeed, even when I cut my wrists
and hands with my own teeth.
Why am I looking for a model to tell me the way
when the crown of thorns isn't a goal,
or a destination.
It is a journey...
what is real?

The world spins and I am standing still.
I am dizzy and I keep on shouting up to God
what did I ever do wrong?
What do I do in the world, because there
are those worse off than myself.
I am a selfish being.
I have to see what's around me
and see the answer there.
But time is ticking.
I am dying each moment I breathe
while the world is pushing me
to spin round with it.


Friday, February 20, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 11:00 a.m.

OMEDETTO~!
Today is the birthday (technically yesterday in Japan) of darling Hokuto and Subaru~! I should be getting a fic out soon as well as an essay (if I can make a good one...--;;;;;;;;;). Lots of stuff happening on my end. ^^;;;;;
After that long rant, I feel much MUCH better~! And thank you to Duality, Nikoniko, and Winnie the pooh as always~!

Thursday, February 19, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 01:27 p.m.

i'm fighting for my life inside of my mind...
why do i find that i am betrayed by all the things i believe in? it seems the world has turned upside down and i can't salvage anything. i only count on certain things or people but i find that only very few are reliable.
i wonder how many times you have to forgive someone. i wonder how many times you have to stop from feeling like a bitch. i wonder why people can't distinguish between friendship and parasitical tendencies.
i am disgusted with the atrocities of the world and still i strive to live each day to the fullest i can. i think the world is wonderful, but that never meant that i didn't know anything about it. i don't live in a bubble and i'm not self-centered.
and it's funny that i keep coming back to writing more gravi and tb these days. i am walking towards my goal, but even that is hard sometimes. (listening to kira and every time i hear 'kimi ga otoshita kiseki, boku ga ita, kono sekai', i think of adri for some reason or other...)

oh tell me how many times must you be tortured in order to learn? i'm sick of the politics around me. i have to be 'myself' in order to just get up in the morning. i don't live to be liked but to like the world around me and beyond it.
but if someone thinks i will back down and be won over so easily with bribes or good comments, please be utterly mistaken. i don't care for such stupidity. what matters most to me in this world is that i am able to make my existence known and that my life isn't wasted. when that goal was completed through Angel, i had another dream, and it is to write. from there, i have another dream, and that is to outlive myself.
Funny, ROD TV made me think of that. Books are like people and what to readers anticipate when waiting for an author? I only felt that once in my life. Most of the people whose books I love are turn of the century (meiji restoration and post-war Japan) and these authors are physically dead, but their ideas are alive. That's what I want to accomplish as a professor. As of the moment, I don't think I'll be able to be a prof 'til I'm 30 (and I'll finally look like an older teenager *lol*).
i can't live my life as someone who waits. i'm too impatient that way. the most i want in life is that the people around me, the ones i love so much, are happy. that is my number one dream. it has been the same dream since i was little and will continue until i die. i just hate it when people tell me i'm such a little kid (hence the ryuichi complex, the cover) and dismiss me as selfish. me...selfish...hmmm....it took Gabe so long to convince me to think about myself and i'm selfish...hmm...i wonder what you have to say about this Duality? *lol*
People have their own ideas and their own opinions, but don't transpose and force me to project that. But don't impose standards that I deem are below my existence as a human being.
i'll fight until the end not to fall into that abyss i was in before. for if i lose, i'll lose my self respect. i can't live that way, but it amazes me how far people will go to look good in front of other people. amazing. absolutely amazing...and they have totally missed the whole point of life: living for yourself and the enrichment of your environment.

song of the day: rosier by luna sea

i love you beyond the point of indecency.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 11:16 a.m.

ryuichi...my darling ryuichi...
I record the song in Nittle Grasper Records. Tohma thinks I’m circumventing the inevitable, but I’m still unable to say the truth of my words to the person who needs to hear them.

“Pushed into the mortar
Broken are all my bones
But the crystal cannot be undone
My heart can never be penetrated
By foolish things
Like jealousy or hate.

I find myself wanting what can’t be,
Whether or not it’s in front of me.
I can’t understand myself sometimes,
What’s the use in trying to?

I saw you in a dream,
I couldn’t seem to let go of you…

You said that things don’t last forever.
I told you
Things last forever where I come from.
I don’t abide by the rules of this world.
If I had a choice,
I would reach out
And grab a hold of you,
(Even if it’s just in my mind.)

Next to you, I feel my humanity,
I’m not the one on the stage
With many reaching their hands out for me.
I take out a blade and show you my blood.

I’m a weak person,
That’s what you don’t know.
I smile at you,
But don’t you know how much I’ve cried…

…when I dream at night
You always run away from me.


You said that things don’t last forever.
I told you
Things last forever where I come from.
I don’t abide by the rules of this world
If I had a choice,
I would reach out
And grab a hold of you.
(Even if it’s impossible-)

I want to be a mermaid,
Turn into something I’m not.
I’m scared of you hating me
For being who I truly am.
Where are you whenever I look for you?
You’re always holding back
Or is it me?
And we both say we’re alone.

You said things can’t last forever
I can’t believe in that philosophy,
Even now as I stand right before you,
I won’t lose to such a thing,
Whatever may come,
My feelings will stay the same.

In a song,
someday, someone will sing
our story too.”


Unlike before, because it’s the truest and most honest I’ve ever been, I am unconfident. I wonder if it carries all that I need to scream out from the recesses of my soul.

I hold onto the microphone and wonder if I said too much.

I have.
And it doesn’t bother me.

I don’t know where I come from. I don’t know where I’m going to.
All I know is that I came to the seashore and drank a potion to have two feet to look for the human I’ve fallen for.

But everything’s in my way from getting to him.

And I don’t know where I belong.

Unreachable. Untouchable.
I’ve turned back into a mermaid...

Tuesday, February 17, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 01:05 p.m.

AH~! WONDERFUL~!
I'm totally out of my worry zone, so I'm feeling very refreshed for the day. That and the fact that I've got two fics done~!
I'm out to conquer the world again~! ^_____^ Why am I feeling this way? The optimism is coming back with a vengeance. I struggled with my insecurities, ah, but to hell with them. I'm fine as Yui/the MA can be. ^_____^ Have a wonderful day everyone!

Monday, February 16, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 01:30 p.m.

...
Eh tou...I was so sick of homework and the weather was good, so I went downtown. Specifically? Chinatown. I wanted to spend Valentine's where there was a lot of people and things to look at.
In the process, *wah* due to my ongoing complaints of split-ends, I cut two inches off my hair. So it feels REALLY light. (It used to be up to my waist.) The thing is, I couldn't just get a trim, so from the front, it looks Souji-ish. ^^;;;; --;; I'm a nut.
Ah, this was a good day so far. I feel pretty.

Saturday, February 14, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 06:26 p.m.

"kokoro no honou" - yanagi
i'm happy i took a trip to chinatown on tuesday. i used the excuse that i needed to check out an observation site (which of course was school related), but i also looked around. it made me even more fired up for what i'm going to do with life.
i am not always good with my words, but it's better to get through to someone with the best you can rather than not caring at all, which why i had changed my major when i was an undergrad. i also found cute bishies, but that's beside the point. what i mean is that all my problems and pressures were a bit eased after seeing that i am able to work towards my future. i shouldn't mess up my chance.
ah, how to get into a japanese literature program. another master's if i can't get the phd???? whatever. i will get there somehow.
as of the moment, i'm just thinking a lot about stuff. i hope that i will continue to push through despite my declining sense of consciousness due to lack of sleep. not on my part, but not feeling well-rested when i sleep for a good 7 hours. well, that is a little problem. ^_^
happy valentine's day! i don't know why but it's so weird. i never spend valentine's by myself. ^^;;;; but if all fails, watch kappei or something! ahahaha! --;; i'll be reading and doing lots of homework tomorrow...

song of the day: 1/2

Friday, February 13, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 04:05 p.m.

yuki ga aru. yuuki ga aru?
As of the moment, I feel quite frustrated, but more so, I'm quite confused about the circumstances that I am in. I feel like too much knowledge about people and things have totally messed up my way of thinking. My workload isn't helping me very much. I long to write fics or even poetry but have no time to do so. (Even as I write this, I will be rushing off to see professors and observing classes.) I hope, however, that I'll make it in time to write for Subaru and Hokuto's birthday on the 19th.
I'm quite agitated and I think my one fear in life is to be left behind in anyway. Whether it is by people or work or school, whatever. But I find myself becoming more insecure about the way I handle my way of speech or the way I look. This will soon pass, I know, but at the moment, I'm feeling so overwhelmed by life. I'm apprehensive over something though I can't understand what exactly.
I will conquer it though. I think I'll come to the point of killing the obstacles rather than just passing through them. Once provoked, all hell breaks loose.
On another note, been watching Kurogane. I'm intrigued by the humanity, but a bit disappointed by some of the presentation of this time period. I've studied and have taken classes Noh in the Heian period, Tokugawa Period, Meiji period (of which I did my undergrad research and thesis in), and Postwar Japan along with its literature. So, I have read about the Chushingura, bakufu (of which I was impressed through its representation in Kenshin), and many other things. Then again, I am enjoying the series not only for Kappei Yamaguchi, but of the way it's flowing. I'm sure my disappointment will not last too long. (Hoping that I can watch any damn thing. My schedule: class, meet with profs, TA, computer lab, talking with roomies. If I'm not doing that, every part of the day is devoted to reading, with occassional errands. 9am - 1am everyday. --;;;)

song of the day: pure snow
Why do I love things that seem so far away?
Why do I fall in love with people that might possibly dislike me the more they get to know me...
Snow is here. Is there courage?

Monday, February 9, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 11:17 a.m.

life? what's that?
i don't know what's happening and maybe i'm just getting too pressured by all this info around me, but damn, i woke up in the middle of the night because my heart just cringed on me and it was so painful that i couldn't even shout. i fell back asleep, but it's scary... having health problems, but i don't know if it's just stress. i'll see what happens.

Wednesday, February 4, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 01:14 p.m.

and the tumult of time...
These days, I feel like I've gone through a sort of life change. I don't know why, but I feel very different from day to day. It is not that I've become more subdued or unfocused, but I feel like I've grown up more than I had expected.
Right now, I'm pushing through my classes wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I shouldn't complain because this is nothing compared to other things in life.
Then again, I woke up with a start this morning. It was a scary dream about losing God's favor. I myself acted unlike myself and therefore, now, I must analyze and rectify whatever it is that is plaguing me inside. But I shall fight it and forgive it, whatever it may be.
I've had so many ideas about fics and I want to start them all over again, but I have no time right now. I hope this will die down in about 3 weeks and I will be able to breathe.

I saw Melli-chan and Duality this weekend. I swear, even though I'm quiet about how happy I am to be with each of them, I hope I'm not too quiet. That little girl in me is still the same: the one that doesn't like to say how she feels sometimes. I always admire Melli-chan for always being so focused, calm, and collected. As for Duality, I realized that after talking to her yet again, we really do think alike, just we express it differently. (My classmate was asking me if she was 'evil' and i said yes and I'm her opposite. why are we friends? that's just the way it is.) Ah, i will learn to be more aggressive with what i want to say next time. i'm so focused on action proving what i do and what i write. i've to learn to speak up more. damn, i am still so shy...

and i was talking to my roomie yesterday. she asked me how i kept things 'organized'. i said it was discipline. everything i do affects someone else's life.
so all in all, i'm troubled more by the amount of work i'm doing. but i wish sometimes, that i was a more good-natured person. i'm at a point that i feel there is something more i have to learn with sincerity. <---the growing never stops. i want my heart become stronger, yet gentler.

song of the day: rouage - basara theme

Monday, February 2, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 11:25 a.m.

AH FUJI AND TEZUKA!!!
AHHH WAIIIIII~~~!!! Thank you SO MUCH SWEETIE! It's so pretty! I had no idea what you were going to do with such bright colors, but it's great!
Fuji and Tezuka!! This time, the details of this layout are:
cover by Hojo Akira for haitoku no sora (there's more to the name but i forgot).

song of the day: dream's get over

Sunday, February 1, 2004
I reach for an illusion of you and me 11:30 p.m.

Sites I buy from (and promoting!):

[x]Anime Link - cels

Friends I love and stalk

[x]My Sweetie (and totally obsessed after) Adri
[x]Melli-chan!
[x]My Jehjeh Wolfye
[x]wonderfully twisted MD
[x]Kawaii Len
[x]Sweet Mali-chan
[x]Malina-chan's 2nd blog
[x]Yumei-san
[x]Cocoa-san [x]Kamitra-san
[x]Mara-chan (fellow lover of ^_^ chisai Subaru and teenage Seishirou)
[x]Mikomi-chan

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