i need a hug. badly. i'm not even going to color this.
this week was a true test. and though i would like to say that i went out and pushed through 'til the end, i'm sitll in the process. being two days behind my own schedule, i'm quite disappointed. and then when something good happened, finally, something really awful happened too. (i wonder when i will stop thinking of life as a survival test each and every day.) i try to be optimistic, but it's getting harder. i've been edgy all semester. though there have been moments to save me, i feel like i'm gradually going to go insane and i won't care anymore. but it's funny though. i made a clover fic 'cause i was so sad and then i didn't want to end it with no hope in it. yeah, i couldn't end the fic with such angst. i had to put some kind of optimistic side to it because deep inside of me, whenever i think something bad happens, i will think, 'it better be me than someone else'. maybe i am selfish, but it isn't that i underestimate the strength of the people i love, but maybe this is my own type of kindness. i'd rather it be me than someone else because it would hurt more if i couldn't do anything. so, even though i may be uncommunicative, busy, or whatever at certain times, i still think a lot on the fact that things are okay the way they are.
even if i was sobbing for a good half-hour, i must say, i chose to go on a path that i knew wasn't easy or with the status quo. i chose one that i knew would lead me towards something greater and towards something i cannot imagine. it's like meeting that person. if i had to go through everything i ever had all over again just to spend those small moments with that person, i wouldn't think twice. ever.
i don't know why, but i feel lost. but it's funny. i always say i'm lost. i know what the feel is, but i don't want to go to that place ever again. i always think i am, but maybe i'm not. i try to convince myself that i am strong even though i'm a crybaby. and even when i feel that i'm not, i'm always just as surprised by someone out of the blue telling me, 'i didn't think anything but that.' it's like fanmail. they're good, warm gifts that i cherish and tell other people around me how happy i am. if there was one thing anyone ever told me (but it was my favorite cousin whoever said it to me years ago), it's always been, 'you have a nice smile.' i didn't know what it meant until i learned the meaning of sincerity.
yesterday, i proctored for one of my teacher's classes. everything bad that could happen, happened. and despite that, i didn't complain, but i was surprised by how resourceful i could be and how understanding the students were (even though some looked at me like, 'she's conducting the test? umm...she looks like a kid.'). i just kept thinking, 'someday, i will need someone to help me too. 'sides, i had the time, why not?' and then my roommate told me, 'you're just too nice'. i keep on thinking i'm not, but will be less critical of myself.

so, what matters now is that the paper i've procrastinated will get done tonight.

(and duality, don't get mad at me for drinking that last time...;_; things were just weird.) i get especially uptight when i meet new people, no matter calm i may look or how into it i appear. i'm really, really shy.
ack, gtg to class and then watch more of that hot, red samurai due on samurai 7. * wince * red, doesn't talk, plays with swords. like? A LOT. but takumi~! i need more initial d~! and i need yaoi manga. i can't wait for passion 2 to come out. ;_; hikaru's cute. drought here~! no eye candy and i've been busy. @_@ -_-;; i...need...pretty...boys...*lol*

song of the day: mizu no by kappei-sama

Someday, I will shout from the depths of my soul, and you will hear me loud and clear.
Thursday, December 9, 2004 at 06:35 p.m.

the thing keeping me alive?
let's just say i've been so moody that i had to immerse myself in nothing but kappei-sama songs yesterday. (one is usually enough for the fanatic seiyuu lover.) kappei-sama is awesome. i don't know why, but he always gets me out of a bad mood with his voice. as i realize it now, maybe i love him also for the fact that while i've been doing my transitioning as a person and human being, he's always the person i've been listening to. megumi hayashibara has been there, but she's died out a bit since she's not been evolving. but kappei-sama always amazes me because no matter what he's done, he always seems to keep up with something new. i love how he can be serious, playful, mature, and childish all at the same time. (hence, he was PERFECT for ryuichi). well, i can gush on, but that's the gist of my thoughts yesterday. i hope i can be that inspirational someday, that through all the years i've been writing, i've been able to grow with my readers and they've grown with me too.
and now, i'm listening to ryousuke's theme: blackout. truly awesome character. forget the fact that he may be stereotypical, but unlike anyone i've ever watched (we'll even add in the fact that sexy koyasu-sama does his voice), he has such charisma and intelligence. and it isn't like he doesn't know his own shortcomings, but he's so cool. (okay, so i also watch initial when i'm blue. i can't help it. i've gotta see takumi! he's my husband! my brother was kind of amazed that i can actually pick one person. ;_; just because i talk to everyone doesn't mean that i... --;;)

Someday, I will shout from the depths of my soul, and you will hear me loud and clear.
Monday, December 6, 2004 at 12:33 p.m.

and my weird emotions continue...
somehow, i feel balanced in a way that i've not reacted very much to anything. not good, but it keeps me in check. i don't know if i'm depressed or too stressed out to realize that i'm beyond burn out. however, i've been trying to keep positive thoughts. things have been kind of overwhelming and i'm amazed by my resilience to not die from the pressure (despite minor break-downs), and still keep up with everything. of course this weekend is even more boisterous since it's finals time and the fact that i'm turning 24 is something i'm not looking forward to. (my mother is happy about it...but then again, she's my mom...) i guess to me my birthday signifies that i survived another year. except, i wonder what i did this year except get through a year of graduate studies. i've gotta learn to accomplish more. * winces * i'm turning into a bum if i only do one thing a year. *tears hair out*
anyway, things are just weird. i hope this strange stage will leave soon. i like being calm, but it's not like me. then again, i could be growing. one of my close friends told me, 'ma, you've just gotta do what you need to do.' i'm glad he did. it always makes me feel relaxed whenever he talks like that. i just wish that i could understand him more. (then again, i should just ask my friends some of the questions in my head. however, i feel like i'll be overstepping my bounds if i do or it doesn't come up and i think of it later. oh well.)

as i said in my fma fic, 'how do you resurrect someone who isn't dead?' that's a question that's been resounding inside of me for quite a few days. and after reading that part, since the format of that sentence was in the middle of the page, i couldn't figure out if i put that for roy, edward, or for both of them. maybe both.
yeah, things are just weird.

song of the day: blackout from initial d

Someday, I will shout from the depths of my soul, and you will hear me loud and clear.
Monday, December 6, 2004 at 12:04 p.m.

how things used to be...
i guess while i was playing with a little kid in japantown yesterday (which i went to out of impulse), i started to think of that person (who now in my mind is 'ano hito') again. i don't know why my thoughts slid towards that direction, but when i remember how much that person changed me, i'm very grateful. but i guess i'm starting to learn to forget what everything looked like. i remember incidents, but i can never remember the face. it's more than shocking to me because i try so hard to remember. and without pictures or no emails...nothing...it's like that person just came and left without a trace. that is somewhat true though.
but i hope that person will remember me once in a while. that's all. i guess that's all i want from that person...

from 'aitakatta':
That’s why I continue to smile at you whenever I see you.

That’s why I can bear being alone while I chase after the you that

no longer exists.

Someday, I will shout from the depths of my soul, and you will hear me loud and clear.
Saturday, December 4, 2004 at 01:49 p.m.

even though there's much to say...
i've been more than reflecting for the past few days as the homework piled and I somehow survived through the sifting and got passing marks. all i can say is that i've got a lot to learn. but i can't lose the childish nature i have to the mean people of the world.

song of the day: rage your dream by move

Someday, I will shout from the depths of my soul, and you will hear me loud and clear.
Saturday, December 4, 2004 at 01:29 p.m.

if i could rewrite history, i'd have you in it.
even though I know I should be freaking out, even though I say I am, I don't feel it. I feel the pressure, but for some reason, I'm getting accustomed to this. It's kind of weird. I've complained about my projects, but not like before. Hmm...I wonder if I'm becoming more tolerant. Well, whatever it is, I'm keeping my head up and confident. I got an A on my last lesson plan. That's better than the first one this semester in which the teacher said to rewrite. I've been thinking positively. Despite my inner struggle with things I've been thinking over the holidays, I know that I'll always fight the past. And that's all right. I will not make it harm the present. Despite my alarming awful haircut, I'm doing all right.

song of the day: Rewrite by Asian Kung Fu Generation
awesome, awesome, awesome song! I'm inspired to write another FMA fic...

Someday, I will shout from the depths of my soul, and you will hear me loud and clear.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004 at 08:25 p.m.

i want to make a review!
i loved the Cutey Honey love action movie so much! it's adorable despite the fact that i expected more from Sister Jill. oh well, i've always loved the bouncy song, whether it was done in the 70's, in the 90's, or this version in the movie. always so catchy.
but at the moment, just like the model eiji from the PoT musical, i have to say, the model who plays honey is absolutely adorable and lovely. maybe it was because she was pretty, but eriko sato (satoeri, as she's called...i don't care if she is a pin-up girl, the kind nanjiroh would like) is charming. simply and utterly charming. she's rumored to have the best body in Japan, i damn well believe that and then some!
hideaki anno did a wonderful job and i don't know what else to say. i want to make a review for my site for this and fma.
fma ended in a way i kind of predicted it would. but, we all know mustang is bi and wants the liutenant (i can't spell) and edward! *_* but i love fma. this is the first title in a long time that pushed all the limits and imagination. clamp really has disappointed me these days and compared to fma, they only hold a candle to its brilliance and depth. i love you fma! *_* (if only the body of that sinner were older, then my obssession with both brothers wouldn't be so wrong. al. is. the. cutest. thing. on. earth. then again, i'm the same weirdo that likes chokkei from cutey honey, shinji ikari, subaru, heero, and syaoran.)
okee, i can't help but stare at cute and beautiful people and things. excuse me for being blunt, especially during last night's dinner. i drank and ate a high-sugared choco cake. the life, man. my brother's friends were amused, but i was equally as amazed by them. they are a funny group and i love them. but the things we talked about are hush-hush. one thing i will say, 'what's wrong with being ecchi? and don't diss me about being obsessed over yaoi.'
we went to an arcade. plus! ^_^ they're so honest that they told me, 'arcade? oh no, i don't come here for the games. i come here to girl watch.' i told them i look at people too. *lol* and damn, there were so many hot bishies i now knew where the watering hole was. i blinked so many times. girls were okay, but not as cute as the pretty, feminine little boys. (to me, you're little when your underaged. doesn't mean i won't talk to you though.)
they feared me and felt sorry that i abused my brother.

i love power. ^_________________^


Someday, I will shout from the depths of my soul, and you will hear me loud and clear.
Saturday, November 27, 2004 at 12:02 p.m.

in case you didn't know,
i REALLY like Cutey Honey! * winces * i don't know why, but i think it's an awesome show. i really like the ovas, especially the ending ot titled, 'the legend of goodbye'. i can never find this song. but anyways, i'm dead tired after a fun filled day. (one interesting fact...i am quite perplexed as to when i was able to wear kid sizes, but cool!) and here i am ready to go to sleep, but i love live action anime. this time, it's cutey honey.
something's definitely wrong. i think this is the first time i ever looked at a girl's body and had to repeat the whole clip again. *_* she's really pretty! * is envious * well, to me, she's really awesomely pretty. i wonder why i'm such an aesthetics lover... *lol* well, looking at duality helps when there's a low in the 'bishie/bishoujo' eye candy dept. i'm serious...i'm like seishirou that i have to be surrounded by people and things that have wonderful hearts, personalities, and charm. well, that's beauty for me before counting anyone as a bish or bishoujo.

Someday, I will shout from the depths of my soul, and you will hear me loud and clear.
Saturday, November 27, 2004 at 12:42 a.m.

i know i should be sleeping.
but when faced with the decision to watch more fma, that wasn't an option. and i was really sleepy after gravi, but here i go and see mustang with a smirk and a suit, and i'm so gone.
he gets better with every episode i've ever watched. hot. that man is hot. but i can't help but wonder...mustang and ed should just get it over with and sleep together. i can't stand it anymore~! the tension is killing me! (everyone knows they so want each other~! okee, so he's 29 and the other's 15...but i like tatsuha and ryuichi together too and subaru and sei! okee, hasn't stopped me either with crushes. hahaha...)

Someday, I will shout from the depths of my soul, and you will hear me loud and clear.
Friday, November 26, 2004 at 03:00 a.m.

again, happy thanksgiving
in fact, i think i made two fanfics for this occasion. i believe in telling people you appreciate them so that they know they are loved and cared for. so, thank you very much for always supporting me for being the way i am and the way i write about the world. i hope that i've done the same for you in your life. even though i can't write to everyone or that i don't have time to write individually to everyone, i do think about you. gosh, so many people know about my best friends, my readers (god, kamitra-san, i love reading your blog...and mali-chan who has disturbingly kawaii drawings), my number one fan in florida, my friend who gives me anime, my little ddr freak of a bro, my mother obsessed over jackie chan longer than i've been alive, and my dad who finishes RPGs because they're second nature to him. it's because i love you and you give meaning to my life. no matter what happens, i always think that things are all right. i have what i need, despite all the hardships.

song of the day: simply being love by bt

Someday, I will shout from the depths of my soul, and you will hear me loud and clear.
Thursday, November 25, 2004 at 08:24 p.m.

simply being loved - tenjou tenge fic
"You took me away from my cage and made me human.
That’s what you did.

And I couldn’t ever go back to what I was before.

I can’t, Maya."

My thanksgiving fic. Need I say more?

Someday, I will shout from the depths of my soul, and you will hear me loud and clear.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004 at 02:28 a.m.

tadaima!
as always, there are people who look at the weirdo shouting, 'i'm back LA', when she comes out of the airport. ^____^ i love you LA! i'm back until monday! ^_^

Someday, I will shout from the depths of my soul, and you will hear me loud and clear.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004 at 10:17 p.m.

there was once a girl.
there was once a girl who was the sister
of my former best friend,
we go back to the day she was born,
childhood friends since she came into the world.
we used to exchange books
and kisses on the lips.
she used to play the piano like mad,
but i only heard the finished product,
never all the struggle behind it.

i liked her a lot.
she was really cool to hang around,
even though we only talked
once in a while.

now, i don't know where she's gone.
she's far away,
probably doesn't know
i pray for her.
all i know is
she isn't a little girl anymore.

i thought she knew better
than her jerk of a brother.
i really did...
but in a way, she is still brave.
i envy all the things she can say
to everyone.
Yeah, she was always cool like that.

song of the day: coming home by peter cetera

Someday, I will shout from the depths of my soul, and you will hear me loud and clear.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004 at 10:32 a.m.

holiday mood swings
at the way things are going, i feel like i've lived a million years. talk about torture in slow motion. happy thanksgiving to everyone! ^^ i'll be playing in LA for almost a week. then, it'll be hell when i come back. heck, it's hell trying to get there as i'm doing projects continuously. whatever possessed me to be such a go-getter, i don't know. my mom says it was all me. ;_; why the hell am i so responsibility-oriented?

whatever! anime, bishies, manga, and good food heading my way. i'm so looking forward to all that. not too hot about relatives. what is a good explanation to give besides bluntly saying, 'you don't deserve my respect 'cause you disrespected me throughout my life and last year was the last straw. don't want any crap.' this is why i don't like the holidays. if it weren't for that, i'd be a little more relaxed. ;_;
anyways, take care!

Someday, I will shout from the depths of my soul, and you will hear me loud and clear.
Monday, November 22, 2004 at 08:02 p.m.

a start to a wonderful week...
even though last week could be counted as one of the most horrible weeks of my life (and that says a lot), i've discarded it, learned, and moved on. this week has started out really awesome. not only did i win some places in the hikagoyaoi forum fic contest, two people have written to me about how they felt about my hikago and furuba fics. even though people tell me they are moved to tears, i am even more moved by the fact that my feelings got through and that they mailed to even tell me so. it warms my heart because i feel like i've gotten through somehow even though all my words are all meshed in my head.
as much as i'd like to give up at times, i know i am stronger than i give myself credit for. but i am not alone in that even though i feel like it at times. it's not fair though. i have you who read this, my family, friends...wonderful people who give me a good reason to stay here. one day, i will say to all those people that tried to kick me down to their level and say thank you for being the way they were so that i knew what not to become.

i made a pic, but i've got to modify more...i'm sorry i didn't get a fic on time. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SEI-CHAN! i said this yesterday 'cause it was officially his b-day in Japan. And today, it's here.
Tokyo Babylon never fails to move me. I hope that I can do the same with my life.
But i remember telling duality, "You know those people in movies in which they come out of nowhere and change your life?" "Yeah?" I laughed while thinking of that certain person and said, "Well, that's me."
I made a poem about him yesterday. It's weird. He will always be a part of me. (I still like that quote in a book I read, "God put him on this Earth to torture me.") I was able to say my story aloud to my class two weeks ago when I've written so many times on paper. It was strange, but I said in the end, "I love [my friend] because he taught me what true strength and optimism were." That's why I know I can't waste my life. He'd be upset, the person who first looked straight into my eyes and told me aloud, "But I respect you."

song of the day: 'music is magic' from jem

Someday, I will shout from the depths of my soul, and you will hear me loud and clear.
Monday, November 22, 2004 at 12:13 p.m.

Sites I buy from (and promoting!):

[x]Anime Link - cels

Friends I love and stalk

[x]My Sweetie (and totally obsessed after) Adri
[x]Melli-chan!
[x]My Jehjeh Wolfye
[x]wonderfully twisted MD
[x]Kawaii Len
[x]Sweet Mali-chan
[x]Yumei-san
[x]Cocoa-san [x]Kamitra-san
[x]Mara-chan (fellow lover of ^_^ chisai Subaru and teenage Seishirou)
[x]Mikomi-chan