random clamp item

Which CLAMP series' random item are you?
Quiz made by Let-kun

3:39 AM 2/12/2003
It's funny when you don't even find the other notebook so you have to write in this one. I couldn't find Subaru. Is that a sign? Isn't that funny?
Yes, I think that it's a strange things when I think about it.
It's weird to see the same thing twice.
Before and after, I'd say. But that's just simplyfying something that I shouldn't.
These lingering feelings keep on getting in my way with no way of stopping. I'd be crying if it weren't for the rain. So, it is comforting to know that it is the rain doing it for me.
There is no place for me in his life and finally I will accept it. As painful as it may be. I will just smile whenever I see him, because it's the only way I want him to see me.
The writings will just be the mask. I never felt fake before, but that was the only way I could ever survive that ordeal since I wanted to cry.
I had loved that person to find they couldn't love me at all. Not in that way.
Never to be heard from...
trying to forget, and never being forgotten.

I wanted to say that in these past four years, when I though that there was no end to sadness, there really isn't. Even my poems of Seishirou were erased.

I will say 'i love you' to a photograph.

I have my eyes closed now and my comp screen black to show that these feelings I don't wish to face, or rather, let no one really see. I am not ashamed, for if I was, I wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place.
I now know that in my fics, I act.
I act out what I really feel.
I live half of my life in a story. my past, so that I don't forget, nor regret it. If I had to do everything again and then change that single time when I said, "I really, really love you", I wouldn't. Just for those few months, I knew that there were people out there who would care.
And he was one of them for me.
I'm getting too emotional over this stupid thing.
But that's what I do best since that's what I always do. I never say what I truly feel.
Even if I did fall in love with...her...I would have never told her because it's wrong. It was just wrong. I couldn't tell her because she was just a part of me that i couldn't face. A girl...who shall remain nameless now. Because of him, I am here.

I should thank him someday.


Even until now. Though I've written this months ago, my heart is still cringing deep inside of me. therefore I can't even write a fic without feeling too sad.
I can't write right now. I feel like my heart has broken once again.

Monday, June 2, 2003
I'm the actress on the paper and you've broken my heart 02:38 a.m.

Inuyasha praise...
God, if I ever said I loved Sesshomaru (yes, I do), I have yet found another character to drool over: BANKOTSU! He is such a fine bastard! I love you Takahashi-sama!

Monday, June 2, 2003
I'm the actress on the paper and you've broken my heart 02:37 a.m.

wah~! fanfics!
Haven't been able to update and I've been trying to watch my anime and/or shounen ai movies like Bishounen no Koi (again), Lan Yu, and Happy Together.
Sorry I've not done anything fanfic-wise, but I've been super busy! *wince, wince* Here's a cute suby pic for my temporary absence.
http://www.geocities.com/reiakane2/tbvisionad1r.jpg

Saturday, May 31, 2003
I'm the actress on the paper and you've broken my heart 07:56 p.m.

The X video game is SO ADDICTING!!
Okay, so I thought the Wonderswan game was cute with the ending and all the moves the characters did. (You can imagine how many times I really put the Tower Card out so that Subaru can bring out the barrier because he is so so beautiful-one of my fave pics!) But DAMN! Had I known that this Playstation game was SO GOOD, I would have played it earlier and got myself a modified playstation! *wince, wince*
There's a gallery in which you buy pics for all the points you've got. There are 'secret' stuff that isn't ANYWHERE. PLUS, there are two alternate endings!!! And they're so cool to the point that I like the ending here better than the anime. *nod, nod* There's one ending, the tv one with all the live characters standing in front of 'kotori's' tree and it's bright and sunny. Fuuma is with those Ten no Ryu that have survived. I liked that.
The other ending is that it's all chaotic and ALL Ten no Ryu were killed by their 'partner'...meaning, (this is so whacked) that Seishirou was the one standing and he killed Subaru and Fuuma, who still killed Kamui, stands before his grave, but the sky is crying.
*sighs* I had to share. SO AWESOME!
Oh! And if you play all the characters and win, you get Karen. ^_^

On a different note, thanks guys. *sighs* Right now, I'm just going to not mind anything right now and go back to my 'I can do anything and take anyone mode'. *lol* (And Yea! MD you're posting again?!)

Saturday, May 31, 2003
I'm the actress on the paper and you've broken my heart 03:25 p.m.

kinda unnerved...okay, truly.
Someone had this weird notion to say that _I_ stole _their_ fic? ^^?!?! I had just thought of making 'A world without you' for Kingdom Hearts on a whim and I'm not really worried whomever threatened to kick me from ff.net, but I'm just kind of disappointed that someone would think that. ;_; Lots of people have similar ideas, maybe this was just one of them.
Man, I don't even want to know what my Adri thinks. *glomps Adri* Or what all my other readers think if they ever saw this. ^^;;;;

Thursday, May 22, 2003
I'm the actress on the paper and you've broken my heart 12:01 a.m.

what i've been thinking...
I've given this much thought and I really wish I had more time for it. I will, realistically speaking, have more time during the summer to go around to find publishers to see if I can publish something.
Dunno if I am that talented (self-defeating as that attitude may be, I'm just honestly scared about being too criticized over something I love, like singing) to do anything about it, but I will try my very best to reach that feat. I love writing as much as I love singing and it is just as much a part of me like breathing.
Dunno what I'm going to do in order to get there, but I will find some way. Where there's a will, there's always a way, or so I've discovered in these years of trial (both the inner and outer demons of my life).
I think I got into this because, well, as much as I make mistakes with grammar and am just as horrible with grammar, many people seem to look past it. It gives me a lot of confidence to know that it doesn't matter what I write now, there's at least one person reading it (other than myself). It's a comforting feeling inside.
I write to let my feelings out in a healthy way, but I have found that my readers are also trying to tell me something by reading anything I've written. It's more than fanmail or getting reviews weekly, it's about making a connection on an emotional level, which is really important to me.
I want to publish not only because it's fun, but that I know I want to say something about the world. I forgot what I watched or heard recently, but there was one part in which I thought, "Oh, is that how they think?" I had never thought of myself as an 'artist' persay or that my intelligence is 'different' from others in the practical world. I consider myself in that happy medium of being both out there, but practical too, as well as idealistic. But there was one scene in which this artist really showed the audience about their world and to see it through their eyes.
That's what I thought about Bishounen no Koi. That's why I thought it was so beautiful. I was seeing life through a weird periscope, but it all made sense. And this is also why I enjoy Kingdom Hearts as well. I believe that Riku wants to find a purpose and Sora is looking for Riku to tell him that he still loves him (shounen ai or not) for who he is, no matter what he's become.

I understand that there are times that I see life so differently from others to the point that it seems so strange, but I just can't let go the fact that I enjoy life. Even if it's just seeing a friend smile at me or listening to this angsty song or playing with a baby...these things make me say to myself, "I'm having fun." And I want to show that in my writing, as much as I write angst. I just hope people learn something from each fic.

Saturday, May 24, 2003
I'm the actress on the paper and you've broken my heart 11:45 a.m.

between productivity and not...
Well, I've been sick and although I should be working on my papers (notice the focus word is _should_), I've been sleeping and thinking about fanfics. But this weekend, I actually got three done!
It's all in a look has a twist now with Subaru having two extreme sides. One being very seductive. It's kinda cute. ^^;;;
Clover's 'remember me' has another chapter. I was aiming to get into Oruha's back story and this is the transition chapter. it's hard to give this a timeline since it's so scattered.
Finally, I did a Kingdom Hearts fic again. I really do like it and I'm proud of it if it weren't for the fact that I really did myself some fangirl service. ^^;;;; And it made perfect sense for Riku to come from the darkness...it was cute.

Here's my favorite part:
"You brought me here temporarily," Riku said to ease his mind as he ran his fingers through Sora's hair. "It was the power of your will."
Sora could feel Riku moving the bed as he leaned forward to whisper into his ear, but Riku's hair was tickling his neck as well.

It didn't make any sense, and yet it was.

"You can't be here. You chose the darkness, Riku," Sora said as he reached out to grab Riku's shoulders.

He could feel him...

"But you chose me..." Riku answered as his hands tried to search for Sora's ungloved ones. "...and by doing that, isn't that the same?"

I think I like it because it makes twisted logic seem perfectly reasonable.

On a different note, god you guys are funny. Len-chan, I don't think I'm an angel, but thanks. I can be until provoked to be otherwise.
Adri... --;; My goodness woman, you know I love you. *shakes head*
Duality! Stop talking about Seraph! Saw Matrix again with Daddy and he was patient enough to see the preview! Seraph looks really cute...

Writing advice for the day: Wanna write something totally out there? Maybe try listening to a Shiina Ringo song sometime. I love this woman. She's so cool!

Song of the day: Stem by Shiina Ringo

Saturday, May 24, 2003
I'm the actress on the paper and you've broken my heart 09:54 a.m.

- -;
I took this Yaoi prowess quiz. There are 15, but only 13 are truly 'questions' rather than opinions
Scary that I got 11 out of that 13.



Saturday, May 24, 2003
I'm the actress on the paper and you've broken my heart 02:19 a.m.

insomnia strikes...and I'm still sick.
Only finished one fic today and thought of doing three others, but I'm so out of it that I can't be productive. Sleepy, but can't go to sleep, so I resorted to taking quizzes. ^^


You're Oishi!

(Prince of Tennis) Which Seigaku Regular are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	100%	63.5%
Shamelessness	100%	78.3%
Sex Drive	100%	76.6%
Straightness	100%	42.7%
Gayness	100%	81.7%
Fucking Sick	100%	89.1%
You are 97.19% pure Average Score: 71.3%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

Which flock do you follow?
this quiz was made by alanna

How random are you?
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Do you cluck or do you roar?
this quiz was made by alanna

koi wa...
I had watched Bishounen no Koi after a suggestion by Hikaru got me looking for it. I searched but wasn't able to buy it until last week.
I am glad that I did, though. It was very beautiful indeed.
At first, I thought it would be one of those dorky films and I was kind of scared because i was trying to find it and found an old blog entry by Adri that said she liked it. (Honestly, I didn't know if it was content, plot, and/or the *ahem*, so I was kind of scared, but ultra curious about the whole affair.) Then again, this is Adri and Hikaru. They were two of my most important readers, so their opinion had a lot weight on me finding it.
Boy, I wasn't disappointed. What started out as a laugh session for the dorkiness (and cute dimples with a great body Stephen) at the beginning totally turned to an 'AWWW, that's so sad!' moment when Ah Ching became a prostitute to help Fai with that stupid singer. ;_; (It's sad, but I wouldn't do exactly that for someone, but I know I'd totally try to get the money to help someone. ^^;;; *sigh*) And then it comes full circle and I was like, "Yea~! They're finally together...no." In the end, Fai/Sam killed himself (a cliche I didn't appreciate), but I cried when Jet dreamt of Sam looking at him while tipping his hat. (Still makes my eyes water a little. Yeah, I am a sap. I cry on sad commercials too.)
Well, my main point is that I absolutely love impossible love stories and even if this didn't have a happy ending, I was happy to see that Fai had loved Jet all that time. Kept the advert and everything. *sniff, sniff*
I felt for it because it's true, you may lose you life, lose your mind, lose your sight because of love, but you also gain that sense of security and temporary comfort from the loneliness. It's sad that one can betray anything and it's awesome because one can become anything because of love.
I never believe in that sappy saying of love being powerful, but it's true.

Friday, May 16, 2003
I'm the actress on the paper and you've broken my heart 07:35 p.m.

Just finished Bishounen no Koi...
Damn...good...I'm actually saying, "Damn, why didn't they have longer play time?" At least it was done tastefully. Thank you Hikaru!!! *wince, wince*
I cried at the end, but not as much as when I cried throughout Zetsuai.

Awesome, awesome movie.

*ahem* WHAT A GREAT, AGRESSIVE KISS! *SWOON*

Friday, May 16, 2003
I'm the actress on the paper and you've broken my heart 02:45 a.m.

oshiete kudasai
No one in the world
Ever had a love as sweet as my love
For nowhere in the world
Could there be a boy as true as you love
All my love
I give gladly to you
All your love
You give gladly to me
Tell me why then
Oh why should it be that

We go on hurting each other
We go on hurting each other
Making each other cry
Hurting each other
Without ever knowing why

Close than the leaves
On a weepin' willow, baby, we are
Closer dear are we
Than the simple letters "A" and "B" are
All my life

I could love only you
All your life
You could love only me
Tell me why than
Oh why should it be that

We go on hurting each other
We go on hurting each other
Making each other cry
Hurting each other
Without ever knowing why

Can't we stop hurting each other
Gotta stop hurting each other
Making each other cry
Breaking each other's heart
Tearing each other apart
-by The Carpenters

I sang this while ditching class today, drugged on all those medications that I swear I wish I were run over by the passing cars.
Just what the hell do you do when you're told to be more understanding than a saint...???!!! I don't know which is worse, being sick, trying not to cry, or keeping all your anger inside. And while going insane in silence, I'm doing all three miraculously.

Thursday, May 15, 2003
I'm the actress on the paper and you've broken my heart 04:34 p.m.

*HUGS*
Thank you so much you guys! *winces* ;_; I'm sick, but I'm feeling much better. Stressed and angry, but thanks. I actually had a good day today. My roomie made really, really good food (Duality's a good cook) and I did well on my lesson plan today. My students liked it.
I found out that I've been functioning on a 100 degree fever, a sore throat, and stress. ^^;;; Not that overproductive nature of mine will ever stop me from thinking, "No, you're not sick. If you think that way, you'll get more sick." Usually, I get sick with one of these things, not all three. ^^;;;;;;;;;;;;; I rarely get mad and I tolerate A LOT, but *sighs* once that limit's been reached, I'm just unfeeling. bad, very bad.
So what do I do when I get stressed? I shop. Today, I bought 3 shounen/yaoi dvd and/or vcds. I'm waiting for Bishounen no Koi to come too. Been looking for this for such a long time.
And yeah, aww...i love you guys...
And sweetie? *wince* I'll be well when I see you dammit...I think???

On a different note, which part of riku would I pick? I want his brain, but I want his heart too. His body seems to function more in that Deep Dive mpg than his soul, but his soul is awesomely sexy. So, if I were to pick one, I wouldn't know...I'm kind of partial to Sora. ^^;;;

Thursday, May 15, 2003
I'm the actress on the paper and you've broken my heart 01:18 a.m.

Naivete.
Adri, you'll probably be mad at me for saying that I'm really sick. ^^;;; 'Cause I am. (Can't sleep, my throat's dry, and I have a fever.) It's a wonder that I always have to pull myself out of my misery and go around UCLA like there's nothing really wrong, just that I walk super slower than the usual 7 mins 'cross campus.
I never thought that my optimism would really catch up with me. I'm kind of bitter and angered right now by situations beyond my control. *sighs* That's a part of life, I guess. Terrible weekend and starting of the week was bad too, I hope it will be better later on (oh, there I go again).
I used to give myself lots of pity, but now, I keep on singing Purachina to keep my spirits. I do believe in change and that I want to become stronger. Stronger and stronger everyday so that I won't be such a coward when it comes to myself, especially in loving and caring for people. Maybe, to be more understanding.
My little brother upset me the other day by telling me I was stubborn. I know I am, but I always thought of that as a strength. I wouldn't ever give up. Not on what I want, a person, or a dream. Ah, but such idealism on my part.
I'd rather die knowing I did all that I could in this life than be like an apathetic corpse among the living.
But this same strength stagnates a lot of people. They won't see beyond their circumstances. Well, I believe that self-centeredness and self-pity are pretty much the same, just on different ends of the scale. One's boasting while the other's depleting a person.

Song of the day: Purachina by Sakamoto Maaya (music by YOKO KANNO-SAMA!!)

I am a dreamer
Hisomu power

I am a dreamer
Hidden power

Motto motto
Tsuyoku naritai.

More and more, I want to become stronger.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003
I'm the actress on the paper and you've broken my heart 06:40 p.m.

Omoshiroi...

You are pansexual.

What is your sexual orientation?
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Yeah, I'd say that's pretty accurate. I guess that I don't really care for gender because, well, I like people for who they are. It would defeat all these years of being picked on for physical purposes if I thought differently from this. ^^;;;

Sunday, May 18, 2003
I'm the actress on the paper and you've broken my heart 12:22 p.m.

Falling in love with Predilection all over again...
Okay, let's push aside the fact that it's Yamaguchi Kappei-sama. (An ultimately hard thing for me to do, mind you.) And just focus on the song itself and the structure. Not to overemphasize the fact that there are random English phrases (which drive me nuts whenever I hear him speak them such as 'Thank you' in Ranma).
I guess I love all the synthesizing and the beat. (I think it's the best Kappei-sama song that he's sung. You should so hear him on Ranma or his music cds. ^^;;;; Dorky, but cute to me, nonetheless.) It's so very Ryuichi. I always feel deceived by Ryuichi's image music in Gravitation because it sounds so pretty and then you find it's twisted and dark that you're wondering if there's just someone in these songs that is that desparate and obsessive. I certainly think so.
I loved Ryuichi because he has two extremes. I myself can identify with this and I know I drive people (that really know me) crazy because I can't tell them what's wrong. Instead, I end up singing. A lot. (Again, I'm telling you my mood swings are as bad as Ryuichi changing when he sings or Shiuchi when he's with Yuki.)
Which brings me back to Predilection. "Can't get enough...Don't let me down...One more night..." It's confusing because the singer is telling a story of going back and forth, wanting to be the one and scared of revealing his feelings. So, he's stuck. But the more he falls deeper into this person he loves, he becomes more desparate. I guess this is how I've pictured Ryuichi. He's a kid 'cause there's something to hide, whether or not he realizes it. Anyone can change when they sing. It takes a pro to do it successfully. (I don't say this lightly.)
Ah, Predilection...made me write another chapter of 'Wrapped around your finger'. Didn't want to write Chobits, Clover, or Inuyasha because if I did, I would have really dragged out the angst. Not good if I make it overbearing. ^^;; I could have stayed up all night (considering that I was wide awake at 5:30am today).

I made another poem/song for this chapter. No name, but it's this:

“[whisper]
The sound you are hearing
Is the pulse of my heart
Broken beyond recognition.


[sing]
I keep on waiting for you to come to me
In the middle of the night, I wander
Like a vampire looking for his prey
I need blood to keep me alive

(Because I love you)

We become entangled in our own demise
It becomes something convoluted
I want to make love to you
But you belong to someone else.


I just can’t stop this feeling deep inside
You’re driving me insane
I want to kiss you so hard
Until you cannot breathe.


‘Til you can’t see anything else
(I’ll take your eyes.)
‘Til you see only me
(I’ll poison your mind.)
My heart is crumbling
(Can’t take it anymore)
A dangerous obsession that can’t be seen.

[whisper]
If you knew what my love truly was
I’d take your lips and you wouldn’t talk
I’d be so close to you
You’d feel the beating of my broken heart


[sing]
But that can never be
The distance is too great
I’ll never reach you.

‘Til you can’t see anything else
(If I kept wandering.)
‘Til you see only me
(If I kept singing.)
My heart is crumbling
(You’ll forget about me.)
I’m finding myself in the same vicious cycle.

‘Til you can’t see anything else
(You’re tearing me apart.)
‘Til you see only me
(How can you make me live with you?)
My heart is crumbling
(How can you make me live without you?)
Why do I want to love you badly when it’s useless?


[instrumental]

And like a fool, I’ll go
Searching endlessly
For you…
…even if you’re just right there.
Who are you?


‘Til you can’t see anything else
(I’ll take your eyes.)
‘Til you see only me
(I’ll poison your mind.)
My heart is crumbling
(Can’t take it anymore)
A dangerous obsession that can’t be seen.

‘Til you can’t see anything else
(If I kept wandering.)
‘Til you see only me
(If I kept singing.)
My heart is crumbling
(You’ll forget about me.)
I’m finding myself in the same vicious cycle.


‘Til you can’t see anything else
(You’re tearing me apart.)
‘Til you see only me
(How can you make me live with you?)
My heart is crumbling
(How can you make me live without you?)
Why do I want to love you badly when it’s useless?

‘Til you can’t see anything else
‘Til you see only me
My heart is crumbling


‘Til you can’t see anything else
‘Til you see only me
My heart is crumbling

Just one more night.”

Sunday, May 18, 2003
I'm the actress on the paper and you've broken my heart 11:48 a.m.

and maybe my optimism will kill me...
...maybe one of those days was today. It's hard to function when you don't know what to do because it's a persistent problem...a person that walks around. *sighs*
From the looks of it, all around me, I feel, touch, see, hear, and taste like my strong sense of principles are just a bunch of crap to some people. I don't think so, but is that naivete on my part? I won't get rich with money by being a teacher, but I like teaching. It's only a stable job if I make it out to be, but not as bad if I really want to write.
I've been told that I always think I'm right. I certainly don't think so. In fact, I was just thinking about that just yesterday while walking home. I've done many stupid things that are just too numerous to count. I've said dumb things that can probably beat out that list of stupid things done by about a 3 or 4 times. I'm not saying that my way of life or my mentality is correct...because I realize that it's my own.
I just can't understand people who think on an immediate basis when sometimes, they need to see larger pictures. Taking things so literally and twisting them to say something that you didn't even say. Why? Because they have this certain mentality of 'I am right. This is just how the world works.' when in actuality, it's not.
I always get frustrated when people say, "I can explain that. You just don't want to listen to me." On my part, I think that I've tired my heart and my ears out. Boy, am I really tired out. (Hungry, asthmatic, and being an insomniac right now.)
I thought that writing this type of thing would be inappropriate for a blog. I don't like sharing my dark thoughts or my feelings when they're so especially touchy, but this was driving me up the wall.
I think it's my extreme optimism that some people will learn from their mistakes, move on, and change for the better. Of course, things don't work that way, but it's so stiffling to see the whole, "I don't want to" attitude and then follows the self-pitying attitude. Dammit...
Right now, well actually for the past two weeks, I've been sick on and off. I've been unmotivated to do any homework. I've not touched any homework for two weeks except a lesson plan or two because I've been so frazzled by life.
*sighs* I just hope I don't end up apathetic. If I have to go through another episode of that...*shakes head* The Rei Ayanami mode isn't the way to go, but it's my way of running away from the world.

I've been thinking of fics, but not writing them down. I didn't want to pour out my frustrations on fics. I don't want pity or sympathy. I just need someone to lean on right now. All I've been doing is praying. Praying for patience and that my heart won't close upon itself. Again.
But I believe I've broken it again today. I always blame myself for things like this to find out that even when I tried my hardest, I've to face the fact that sometimes it just isn't good enough.

Song of the day: Here with me by Dido
I always think of him whenever I hear this song.

I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory
Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting
Here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting
Here with me


I don't want to
Call my friends
They might wake me
From this dream
And I can't leave this bed
Risk forgetting all that's been

Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
Won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting
Here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting
Here with me.

Sunday, May 18, 2003
I'm the actress on the paper and you've broken my heart 02:28 a.m.