thanks for the quizzes, sweetheart! ^_^v

Damn, I wish this were true. Smart? I always thought I was kind of slow. ^^;;;;;


You are Mick Nekoi! CLAMP's second artist! You're
not as well known as Apapa but you're by no
means second fiddle. Your art is very
beautiful, even if your manga isn't popular.

Which member of CLAMP are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

YEA~! I always thought I was imaginative and liked to lead people like Ohkawa-sama, but I LOVE MIKKU-SAMA!!!!! *is very tickled by the result*

Sunday, April 6, 2003
I wandered aimlessly searching for Shion in a dream at 12:23 a.m.

And the optimist strikes back!
I just found out that Yamaguchi Kappei-sama will be in a film that will be shown here in LA! The day after his birthday (May 3rd, coincidentally-or not-Conan's birthday, Shinichi of 'Meitantei Conan/Detective Conan')!!!! I AM SO THERE!!! (Well, anyone that knows me, knows that if there were two things to distract me from my studious nature: Kappei and Tokyo Babylon!) Yea~!
Then, you guys are so sweet. ;_; Stalk me? ;_; AWWWW~! *feels all waffy* I know this is weird to hear, but I feel all giddy inside because I feel wanted! (;_; Now, maybe Adri will never let me out of the damn closet. WAH~) Years and years ago, people didn't even want to talk to me or have anything to do with me. ^^;;;;; Then, there were even more that thought I was strange. Then, there were those kind people that liked me because I was strange and sincere. ^^;;;; So, that kind of made my day. ^_^ Thanks guys!

'Belonging nowhere' will be written for! I've just to figure out how to keep Sesshomaru from being too soft. I love him being a bastard. (And I wish I could see episode 98 of Inuyasha! Speaking of, I wanna see the DN Angel anime. Dark...beautiful Dark-sama!)
'Calendar Boy', now that I've done some more research, will be coming along. I'm just hoping it will not offend anyone, but make them aware of something that got me all bothered and disturbed while reading material for it. (It's just as bad as when I rant about abortion. We'll not go there...)
On a different note, been trying to figure what the hell to do with Hokuto! I want to portray her in her own fic, but *shakes head* I want to spend time with it as I had done with 'Killing me softly' and 'random thoughts'. Trying to make things different in every single fanfic you do requires lots of brain cells. (Many of which were lost in my career here in ucla. Geh.)

Songs for the day: Moon by Rebecca and Kiss Kiss by Matsuoka Hideaki.
"Moon, anata wa shiiteru no. Moon, anata wa nani mo kamo..." - Moon
"I'm gonna become sunshine and kiss everything in sight. You could be a star in the night, just use your imagination. I'm only holding back the rain. So many raindrops, so many pains. I want to find my train someday, as seasons go past the station." - Kiss Kiss (There were lots of people who were saying that Kiss Kiss ruined the emotional feel of the first ova of TB. I have to admit that I found it quite strange. But after hearing him, since he is my favorite singer, and seeing the TB ova for the umpteenth time today, it fit quite well.
I think it's because I'm used to him already. Matsuoka-sensei has a feel to his music that is both innovative and just plain weird. Yet, he can have bittersweetness in such upbeat songs. I admire him for this and am determined to find all his albums. I liked him before I even knew he did Subaru image songs, but that will require a long discussion...in which I will give in an essay to you, Adri for the site, now that I think about it. *lol*)

Saturday, April 5, 2003
I wandered aimlessly searching for Shion in a dream at 11:47 p.m.

Random
If anyone has any idea of where to attain a tokyo babylon cel, please let me know. Still searching for the backgrounds and a Seishirou.
It's amazing how I can be patient to look for Tokyo babylon things. I can honestly say I have gone through every possible English site there is for anything to buy TB. (Been doing this for a year.) ;_; And now, I'm sad because it's a little disappointing. (Yahoo Japan? * winces * WAH~! There's nothing up these days. Just the usual-calendar, ovas, soundtracks/singles.)
I'm really depressed right now. Got rejected from a program I really wanted to get into. * sighs* That's all right, I wasn't crying or anything (unusually). But in order to feel better, I need a Subaru and Seishirou. (Unfortunately my dolls are not with me right now. ;_; I took them out of their corner because I needed a hug.)

Saturday, April 5, 2003
I wandered aimlessly searching for Shion in a dream at 01:33 a.m.

the things that go through your head...
On early Friday morning, around midnight, I wrote in my Subaru/Seishirou notebook. It was a notebook I used to tell me how much I've grown...and also in relation to Subaru's character. I know I'm strange, but just keep with me, k? ^^;;;
For the first time in my life, I thought I was happy. Honestly happy. I feel now that I come over that blackness that I encapsuled myself in.
(And yet again, I watched my new TB dvd, the one re-released here in the United States on a really nice tv. (Ah, to see all three of them so cute, and at their best!))
Going back to the subject, it made me think of all the things that I never told people about myself. How sometimes I know what I think, but I've never told people that I divide myself into three parts: my heart, my soul, and my mind. And these three aspects of myself are always at war, trying to take over the others and be dominant within me. It is like a story that my classmates said had made no sense to them.
In my mind, this thought led to my fascination with people at war with themselves...especially if they're 'halved' or are 'halfs'. Not being one myself, I don't know really. The best I can say that most of my fanfics say, "I love you for who you are. Nothing else." It's an issue with me. It has always been an issue with me.
Ever feel like you're being used for what you can do and what you look like? There are many factors for this, but what I am trying to say is that the story people didn't understand was when I said something like, "I don't want to be seen as a Filipino, as a woman, or as an American. I want to be seen for who I am. Whomever this being is, strange and complicated as I am."
This is quite difficult for me to explain because this will mean I will have to tell my life story or how I've lived my life, and that would be way too long. So, my main point is that I never wanted to be seen for what I looked like, nor for what I've done. Just for being natural. Just known for being myself.

I started to write a fanfic about Subaru...and then I realized that I should integrate it into Calendar Boy. It would fit perfectly because it was the theme I wanted to present in the first place.
It makes me think of my friend whom I call my little sister. She told me, "If there was one wish I could make for you, it would be: I wish you could see how wonderful others think you are." At first, you don't believe what anyone tells you. And then, I just thanked her. I told her, "I wish you could see how much I love you."
If only...if only I could see myself the way I should, then maybe I would be whole.

I searched for Shion
And yet, he is still wandering around this forsaken Earth
I look for the blue eyes that were so kind
To find that this lifetime,
There may be no second chance.
In agony, I kept on looking and looking
In vain, I kept on waiting and waiting, painfully
In my dreams or in my waking state,
I keep on meandering through this earth to meet him again.
That this time, he wouldn't die.
This time, we could be together.
This time I wouldn't die.
That I wouldn't die alone without him next to me
With Yuiren bleeding from my womb
In the rain...
Wishing someone would be kind enough to kill me and end my misery.
I don't want to be alone all over again...

Sometimes, I wish I couldn't read the future, nor the past. Sometimes I wish I didn't have visions of things to come. But then, in my heart, I would think, "If I'm selfish like that, there would be someone to take my place and be feeling the way I do." I'd rather it be me than someone else...
This time around...I want to live.

Today's song: Shell by Bana (the ot of Witch Hunter Robin).

Friday, April 4, 2003
I wandered aimlessly searching for Shion in a dream at 11:33 p.m.

feeling lazy...and that's just not my style. ^^;;;
Remember I said I was going to find a third class? Well, I finally registered into one. ^_^ Thank goodness the professor was nice to write back to me! But it's at 9:30 am. *Winces* Usually, I'm an insomniac, so I hope I'll be up to the challenge. Weird thing is, I'm a morning person. @_@ I'm also a night person, but I just don't do afternoons. That's why I mostly work at that time, so that I don't have to think too hard.
I feel energetic, but I've been sleeping more. I find myself going to sleep early, which is a miracle. ^_^ I don't feel sick! ^_^ (Yes, so Adri won't get mad at me and worry...again.)
I did my homework and I kept on thinking 'man, it's kind of early. it's only 10pm???' ;_; I'm a sad, sad individual. If I'm not productive by cleaning, fanfic-ing, or homework, I feel so lazy.

Been doing drafts right now. 'Belonging nowhere' is getting somewhere. As for how long it will take, I dunno. I'm trying not to get so excited that I forget to put the details to get the full effect of the story.
'Calendar Boy'. One sentence: SUBARU IN A KIMONO. @_@ I couldn't write for two seconds after imagining taking off his clothes then putting his kimono on. ;_; What a beautiful Subaru. Can you see how much fun I'm having dressing the little bishie up? (Speaking of, I got my costume! It's so so so cute! I'm so excited to wear it for Expo. Then again it's not good when your roomie goes, 'You'll get glomped again this year for this.') And trying to make Seishirou between serious and playful is hard from the stance I've been taking it from. @_@ Plus, I didn't want to slip into that mentality of "Ah, 'you drive me crazy'had everything I wanted." That's why I challenged myself and made this fic, since I wanted to prove to myself that I just had to think harder.
'Wrapped around your finger'...yuki. a yuki chapter. I honestly am not a Yuki fan but I like him much more than when I first saw him (that's saying a lot for my part). This is different from how I see Seishirou with Subaru because Yuki is cold, but I see him so distant from Shuichi that sometimes Shuichi won't ever understand him. Su and Sei find some kind of understanding...That's why I am kind of stuck. I want to portray Yuki as caring, yet cold at the same time. It's...just difficult.
'Forever Yours' is finally getting to the end, but we're at a high point. As to how I'm going to portray Yuzuki as separate from Kaede, I've to make a concrete distinction or else this story won't work. It will be that Minoru liked her as a replacement after all.

Writing advice for the day: Write what you want to see. ^_^v Hey, if that's fan service * blink, blink* then it's fan service. ^^v (I can't help it. I've always wanted to see a geisha Subaru.)

Wednesday, April 2, 2003
I wandered aimlessly searching for Shion in a dream at 11:26 p.m.

having one of the best days of my life...
Whoa, I went to Santa Monica Beach yesterday with some of my best friends and got so wet!!! We had no towels or anything, but it was great! I wanted to go there since the beginning of the year, well, for personal reasons, but I'm glad I got to go! ^_^ It eased a lot of tensions and I was able to pray a little bit easier.
Then, I was able to buy Asuka for March and April. 14 dollars spent for five small panels of Subaru and my friends looking up in an old Chinese jisho to find out what his name meant. Maybe I should I have just looked it up in my Ancient Japanese dictionary. ^^;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Today, I got rejected from a poetry class, but actually, I'm not sad. It's not meant for me, I guess. I'm just having a hard time finding a class, but that is all right with me! ^_^ (Yui is always very optimistic. ^^;;;;) You know why? I got my Clamp DVD set, e-mails from people I've not heard in so long (;_; Man, I love those people...), the shipment for the new Tokyo Babylon is on its way as we speak, and I've got my orange juice and coke (I did say I was a Coca Cola addict, ne?

Thanks for the links for those who will let me list them on my blog. ^_^ And yes, Cocoa-san, I live here in Los Angeles, so we should see each other sometime!!! I go to the anime shops 'round LA a _lot_. And, I go to Anime Expo every year and this year, I'm Subaru with the shikifuku ^^v. (So if you see this short 5' 1 1/2" Asian girl with glasses that looks 15 instead of 22 with a genki face like Hokuto, you'll know it's me. ^^v)I hope this year I'll go to the fanfiction and/or yaoi panel to meet more people...
Have a great day! I'm going to make the most out of mine! ^_^

Tuesday, April 1, 2003
I wandered aimlessly searching for Shion in a dream at 10:05 a.m.

Sometimes what you'd like to ignore, or rather, we're unconsciously there...
Yesterday, took all these quizzes, and then I thought, "*sighs* That's true. I remember that..."

You are WATER! Sympathetic and emotional, you feel your way through most situations, struggling with logic at every turn. Sometimes you let your feelings cloud your judgement, but out of everyone, you're the most supportive and loving.

You are Kusakabe Marron | Kaito Jeanne

You are generous and talented, though often withdrawn. You tend to have just a few close friends, rather than many. You appear very cheerful and enthusiastic, but struggle to keep up with what others expect of you. In the end, your perseverance and sacrifices help you pull through.

Take the "What Magic Girl are you?" Quiz

The red thing with sneakers
Find out what secondary animated character you are.

Which Sesame Street Muppet Are You?

Butterfly Spry, cheeky and flirtatious! You love Asian pop culture and thrive on Pocky and candy colours. You enjoy attention lavished upon your pretty self. You want a partner who knows how to have fun. No wallflowers for you!

Which Evangelion Child Are You?

quizzes...mou ichidou!

The [Perfect] Partner for Tetsu Test @ Candy Sweetener

There is nothing, no matter how far I've looked, that I'm certain of
But in joyful times and bad times, you were by my side

As Tetsu, your perfect partner is Yukihiro! Awwww...isn't that just sweet? If writing the song "Anata" with Yukihiro specifically in mind isn't proof of your undying love, I wonder what it is. You have a lot of similar interests, you probably spend the entire day -- hell, an entire week -- just speaking and you can never grow tired of each other. Are you soul mates or something? You probably think he's so cute and charming with that shy boy aura, but you know more than anyone that he's not exactly timid when it comes to, ehem, private matters.

No comment.


Who's Your Anime Boyfriend?

I laughed when I first read this. It's true, if I could count my first love, it would be Mamoru Chiba. He was the reason I knew what the hell bishounen were.
I first saw him in the Philippines when I watched Sailor Moon on Channel five, August 5 (saturday), in 1995. (Yes, I memorized it because I was so in love with him until I entered college.)
I didn't like him as Tuxedo Kamen. I liked him as his usual, ordinary self. The guy reading a book like a quiet nerd. ^^;;; I think that's always what I look for. Stoics who don't talk much, but say a lot with their silence. ^^;;;


Who's Your Anime Girlfriend?

I did this for fun, to take this if I were a guy. Well, I usually think the most beautiful women are the ones that are either tomboys acting like Haruka, or are super feminine like Enju of Please Save mM Earth. (Don't ask, I don't know why I can't really explain why.) I like looking at both sexes because I think each have their charms. Then again, that's me. (I like the Fuu type, but I don't actually like Fuu. I mean, come on, fight against yourself because you love yourself the most? Isn't that...kind of eccentric? ^^;;;)

Sunday, March 30, 2003
I wandered aimlessly searching for Shion in a dream at 12:09 p.m.

And perfectionist's work is never done...
Hi hi! I can't understand myself sometimes. My moods are like Shuichi's, depending on whom I next to, the weather, and what I'm doing, they fluxuate between light and dark. I've always been this way as far as I've known, as well as an insomniac (though at times I find myself sleeping really early too when I'm super tired). At least now, it's more balanced. For anyone who knew me before college, things would really drive you crazy (I know I did to myself). :p
Well, the other day, I wasn't feeling so hot. @_@ The weird day was really weird for me. And we'll just leave it at that.
Today, Mr. Sun's out! (Yes, I honestly say this to my friends and they think I'm too much of a genki ball.) I woke up on the right side of the bed, even if I had a headache. ^_^v Such a great day so far. Listening to 'Travelling' because I love it, writing as many fanfics as I can, getting more feedback than I thought I could get in one day (^^;; It's so...=^_^=), and I start school tomorrow! Yea! I feel happy to go back to school now! (Duality, don't shake your head at me.) ;_; Why am I such a nerd? I love to learn (as I read in my 'past life' report) It told me, in a nutshell: You love life. You have very auspicious signs coming together. You want to help others with all that you want, but self-sacrificing, as long as you learn something then that's enough for you. You are also very open-minded, but you want more of a partnership than a commitment to someone.

Fanfics! I did four yesterday when I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night. Rather than watch loud tv (with nothing to watch really), I had all these days pop into my head. 'Belonging nowhere', I'm happy to say, is going really well. I was happy more at the fact that people said, 'Yes, I believe that too. Love is a hardship too.' It's hard to tell sometimes when society tells you it's all flowery and crap like that. ^^;;; So, I was really glad to find people that thought that way too.
'Calendar Boy' really hit a high angst, low comedy chapter, but that's just to set me up for a very funny one next chapter. I will try for it! (Subaru in a geisha outfit while just have my nosebleeding if I just jumped into it...not that I mind Seishirou doing it. ^_~ * lol *) I wanted to take a different stance to Seishirou and Subaru in this one. Though there is still the cuteness of their pairing, I wanted to portray Seishirou as half-sincere, half-acting (which is challenging in itself to me because I believe he truly, truly loves Subaru). Then, I wanted Subaru to be more cute. (Is that possible?!?!) I want to show him as being more indecisive about Seishirou, but giving a little about his past, to spiffen it up a bit.
'When you grow up' has not been written for, but I want to do it concurrently with my Clover fic. I just have to figure out what stance the Clover fic will take: Will Suu come back to life??? Or is she still alive???
So many other fics to write and so many ideas! Ah, Sakurazukamori Subaru needs to be molested by my writings! I only portrayed him once with Kamui! >< I know, I'm awful.
As for 'Forever Yours', whoa. I wanted to make a really sad, heart-wrenching ending, but now, I'm reconsidering it. ^^;;;; It's already too sad. ;_; And I'm not even 3/4's done! I hate an indecisive ending though...this is the first time that I've thought of three different endings for one fanfics. @_@ For, if Minoru lost Yuzuki before they could 'live happily' together, that would kill his character because so many people have already died around him. (Again, yes, I think too much.)

Adri, you're such a sweetie, as well as my sick/sexy-minded muse. I hope you'll never grow sick of me. ;_; You have to help me find an outfit for Subaru! *winces* (Know now readers, I can't end this fic without Subaru in boots, a skirt, and a j-rock, leather outfit.) ^_^
Mali-chan, no problem! ^_^ I'm here for ya!

Writing advice for today: Think about the mood you're in when you're writing. When are you the most productive? Maybe that's the best time to write with full concentration.
I can't write comedies if I don't feel like laughing, but I can't write angst if my music is way too genki, even for me.

Sunday, March 30, 2003
I wandered aimlessly searching for Shion in a dream at 11:45 a.m.

weird day. @_@
There's so much to say, but I am unable to put them into words. I learned a lot today, but also, I've kind of shocked at the same time. You wonder if you're truly respected in this life. *sighs* Oh well, moving on...

Happy to say that the X four dvd deceives TB fans! * winces * If you flip over the reversible cover, there's Seishirou looking hot as usual. Ah, *sighs dreamily* I will be able to watch Suby with surround sound and high picture quality. Truly a good end to a day. ^__________^ * people think she's really nuts now * Well, ha! Tell me something I don't know!

Today, I kept on thinking that I start school on Monday and that it will be my last quarter as a university undergrad. ;_; That's cool, but I want to do something different everyday for the sake of doing it. (Maybe write a card or something???) I'm just weird like that. (I really hope I get into that creative writing class. @_@)
Which led to my friend saying, "Do more fanfics!" --; I responded, "Well, um, I write a lot more than other writers. I update often, don't I?" In my mind, "I update at least one fic a week, isn't that good enough?" Now, I'm like, "One?! One?! You under-achiever. ;_; *sighs* I work way too little with fics, but I want to finish a lot of fics before the end of the school year. Maybe I'll make it over 110 with one more (which I am thinking it will be Gouhou Drug).
Sorry if I'm rambling, but today, I didn't want to see anymore sadness. I got a migraine, and I didn't want to depress myself, but I defeated that by watching some of X and Angelic Layer and listening to the angsty song list. Then, I explained to my mother the story of Tokyo Babylon. ;_; *sighs* I mean, come on, since I couldn't find Simple and clean, I'm listening to Hikari. o.o
How can one live to the fullest extent everyday? I purposely do something a little different everyday, so that I won't 'waste a day'. Maybe I think too much, huh? *sighs* Well, I think that if I get into a rut again, I'll dislike the pattern of my life. I don't like to be boring. Period. I want to wake up everyday with a smile again, but these days, I just don't get enough sleep. And I've not gotten any nice dreams. The last one I remember is Seishirou chasing Subaru in an X setting. And I was an 'innocent bystander' thinking, 'Go Sei-chan!'
I will try again. Every day is new. I will hope that I can do my best and be my best. But how to achieve that, I don't know. I follow half of my heart, half of my mind, and all my soul. (I always split myself into three different parts.) Because at the times that I have seen people just use one, it made them unhappy. It made me unhappy when I just followed my thinking process/mind. That isn't the life I want to live. I want to survive. I never want the feeling of wanting to die ever again. That isn't a life either.
All I know is that I want to be a writer and a teacher to tell about life and learn from my readers and students. I want to get married, have children, and die with no regrets. Most of all, I just want to be myself, and I won't be afraid of changing anymore. And, to get every single damn Subaru, Seishirou, and Hokuto item out there! That's all I want from life. Maybe it seems simple, but I just want to live my life telling myself, "I loved my life." That will be the hardest for me to tell myself, but I hope that day will come someday.

Writing advice for today: How open are you about the subjects you write about? How well you write isn't particularly your technique (although it is a definite plus) for anyone can make a story. It's the perspective you give it that makes all the difference. Think about your character, the situations, and then about your voice. The voice of your story is its soul (as Nodoka had told me), or else it will be an empty shell trying to grasp for life that will never be.

Friday, March 28, 2003
I wandered aimlessly searching for Shion in a dream at 11:28 p.m.