suteki na Ryuichi
from the latest chapter of Kikoeru ka:
“Why do you always do this to me? Whenever I need
help, you’re there. And when you give me that
comfort, you’ll always give me something to think
about?”
After all the years I had been friends with Touma,
that was the moment that I understood him completely…
…and it was also the moment that made me realize who I
really was:
Challenging what has been set out for me because I’m
not anyone you’ll ever know.
Sincerity is how I live my life.
And I won’t accept anything less than my personal
best.
Friday, October 3, 2003
falling in love with you all over again at 02:38 a.m.
The Big Five Personality Test
Take Free Big 5 Personality Test Extroverted |||||||||| 38% Introverted |||||||||||||||| 62% Friendly |||||||||||||||||||| 88% Aggressive |||| 12% Orderly |||||||||||||||||| 80% Disorderly |||| 20% Relaxed |||| 18% Emotional |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Intellectual |||||||||||||||||| 78% Practical |||||| 22%
The Big Five is currently the most accepted personality model in the scientific community. The Big Five emerged from the work of multiple independent scientists/researchers starting in the 1950s who using different techniques obtained similar results. Those results were that there are five distinct personality traits/dimensions. Here are your results on each dimension:
Extroversion results were low which suggests you are quiet, unassertive, and aloof.
Comment: Only when am I uncomfortable am I this way, but I know that I am like this when I am by myself and thinking. I'm usually very loud when I'm excited over something.
Friendliness results were high which suggests you are very good natured, trusting, and helpful but possibly too much of a follower.
Comment: Overall accurate, except I usually am the leader in a group. ^^;;;;
Orderliness results were high which suggests you are very organized, reliable, neat, and ambitious but probably not very spontaneous and fun.
Comment: I _try_ to be neat. I'm messy with my own stuff, but try to be considerate if I am with other people.
Duality, it says that I'm prolly not spontaneous and fun. *lol* I'm super spontaneous with what I buy and what I want to do. (When I feel I want to go somewhere, I do it.) Fun? Depends on who I am with. ^_~
Emotional Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous.
Comment: So true, so true...
Intellectualness results were high which suggests you are very creative, original, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.
Comment: Creative...I certainly hope so. ^^;;; (Does psycho fall in that category too???) And not practical? Okee, this is where I draw the line. I'm called a _realist_. *lol*
Overall, you scored highest on Friendliness and lowest on Emotional Stability.
comment: Okee, this is true. (Emotionally, I go up and down, but I swear I've gotten better with this in the past four years. ^^v)
Wednesday, October 1, 2003
falling in love with you all over again at 10:51 a.m.
Whoa...that was overbearing...
Yeah, I'm a dolt and I tend to think about things too much. I'll just distract myself with manga and homework so that I can get back into focus.
What's important now is school and trying my best.
Though I have to say I cried over Love Mode last night. Such a good manga! Definitely will start writing for this fandom!! I swear it has everything. Though I like Izumi (the former no. 1), I'm so in love with Reiji x Naoya. Beautiful...beautiful...
song of the day: forbidden love by l'arc en ciel
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
falling in love with you all over again at 02:05 p.m.
Thank you, Sweetie...
You just made my day. *smiles*
I don't know the answer though. My best friend told me and some other people have asked me the same question. I don't know how to respond. I try, but not intentionally. ^^
This reminds of the time I called my Angel at 6:00am to greet him on his first day in college. His parents were mad at me, but he was so happy. And then, his best friend asked him, "Where did you meet this girl again?!" My Angel laughed, even though his friend had already heard about me.
Monday, September 29, 2003
falling in love with you all over again at 09:46 p.m.
exactly how i'm feeling.
white flag
by dido
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
I'll tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
It's a really cloudy day in SF and I'm glad it's not raining. It's actually quite beautiful to go with the mood I'm feeling at the moment. I have been quite out of it and I feel like someone's been holding a knife and pushing it against my heart.
I feel uncommunicative (at least, verbally...then again, when have I truly felt this anxious to tell someone my problems...) today.
* goes to kiss Subaru plushie *
Monday, September 29, 2003
falling in love with you all over again at 11:41 a.m.
Good luck, Len-chan!
Totally know what you're talking about and I understand. I love you and please take good care of yourself. I'll try my best to have candy when you come back better than ever. *GLOMPS*
Monday, September 29, 2003
falling in love with you all over again at 01:29 a.m.
everything i own by bread
You sheltered me from harm, kept me warm, kept me warm
You gave my life to me, set me free, set me free
The finest years I ever knew, were all the years I had with you
I would give anything I own, give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give anything I own, just to have you back again
You taught me how to laugh, what it solved, what it solved
You never said too much, but still you showed the way
And I knew from watching you
Nobody else could ever know, the part of me that can't let go
I would give anything I own, give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give anything I own, just to have you back again
Is there someone you know, you're loving them so
But taking them all for granted
You may lose them one day, someone takes them away
And they don't hear the words you long to say
I would give anything I own, give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give anything I own, just to have you back again
Just to touch you once again.
It's a weird thing, but every time I hear this song, I can't help but cry every time. Or I have to hide in a corner.
As optimistic as I am, I know that all good things come to an end. And so because of that, I am able to enjoy a person or thing in that light, as sad as it may be. For the happiness I've always known, it always leaves me. Things working out for a while, will be crappy after a while too. And then, after suffering, there is redemption.
I guess I am scared as I can be about saying goodbye to anyone. I always say, "I'll enjoy you while you're here." But it is more than that in my mind. * begins to cry * Whether when I was little, in high school, or now, there is a part of me that knows the sadness of parting and it scares me to death. I guess that is why my fics always try to convey that 'moment' type of mentality because you appreciate things more that way.
But whenever I think things are going well, there's something to remind me that things are not so well. Inside of myself, there is still something missing.
Stupid dreams I have at night and someone's face is haunting me. Whenever I think it's over, there it is all over again.
I want to do everything again to see that person's smiling face again. What is wrong to lament over someone...? Now, I understand that it doesn't matter if you're distracted. Love is a cruel thing. You continue to love even when you are killing yourself every time you say you're all right and say that you're doing fine without them.
Expect a Tokyo Babylon fic really soon...
Monday, September 29, 2003
falling in love with you all over again at 01:06 a.m.
i swear i love my bro...
On the AIM, he told me he didn't like chain mail and I said to ignore it. It's spam too.
Intelligently, he wrote something to make people stop writing chain letters to him:
copyright Dark Tenshi Oni / SinJE 2003
:
Mai Counter Chain:
but here is mai counter chain
Exactly one year ago, a girl was brutally kidnapped, beaten, and wrapped in foil. Her dismembered body was left in the closet of her parent's bedroom. The murderer has yet to be found. Regardless of how many people you send this to, at 2 AM after reading this, the girl's soul will come out of your closet and brutally kill you in the same manner she was. The only way to surpass this is to never send DarkOniTenShi another Chain IM ever again.
Plus, he entered this for you Duality: i'm EVIL!!(quote from ate-[Duality] doomo!!)
Thursday, September 25, 2003
falling in love with you all over again at 07:28 p.m.
fabulous day!
i went to church, gym, got my financial aid stuff done, did my homework, met with my study partner, and finished my test first today. I just have one thing to do...and it's due at the end of the semester! ^___^v (I'm really happy today!)
I think it's because I appreciate the fact that I can make another new fic today! (I've made two already, but I'm just waiting for my beta readers to finish with them. ^_____^)
It's an Adrien weather day too! Cloudy and cold, but not raining. Perfect!
Right now, I am thinking about what else to write. Ironically, I have not chosen to have a beta for Gravi. I have one for Chobits, TB, Fruits Baskets, and yaoi in general...but not for Gravi. And I want to keep it that way...i'm a weird weird writer. I think it's because i'm still not confident enough. My drive to do more and be more is an endless journey.
But I'm really happy with life right now. I hope things will last for a while like this.
Thursday, September 25, 2003
falling in love with you all over again at 07:22 p.m.
Even though I should be doing a paper...
I had wanted to write so much on the blog today, or rather, for a couple of days now. So many things have been going through my head. I think that's why the Real McCoy is still the song of the day (and has been for a few). I've been going in circles, and I've mostly been sitting in my chair trying to do homework.
These days, I've been actually...*gasp* exercising. Yup, I got off my 'lazy' ass and went to a gym. (I'll walk forever, but my arms are so weak! *blink, blink*) Why did I do that? I wasn't satisfied with my physical self. It is vain, and I think some relatives would comment that I'm prolly doing it for a boy. But no, I'm doing this to become more comfortable with myself. On an emotional level, I think I've gotten pretty stable and good. As for other aspects of myself, I've to improve myself everyday! ^^v
Been looking for a job, but it's been really hard. And that's all right with me. I know that things could be worse, so I'm not worrying too much. I've got almost everything I need right now...give or take a few things/people...* hee hee *
I wrote a long e-mail to my parents to tell them how I feel about myself. They've not said anything, but they're usually not very vocal about it. (I'm just worried about my baby brother being sick right now! *wince, wince*) My problem is that I want assurance. As long as I know there is someone there for me, I'm as good as ready to jump off a bridge for them...except when I know that it will potentially hurt someone I care for. I don't know...I know I shouldn't take things so personally, but I always have. Whatever you feel, I want to feel. Whatever I feel, I want you to feel too. But that's because I love you so much. I know I wasn't always very good at explaining anything at all aloud. I'm much better at writing because that's all I am used to. (So, sorry, Duality for always mixing you up with what I say.) Gosh...
I think my ultimate problem is that I want so much from life. I want to experience the things I want. It's not that I'm impatient, but I'll cram everything (with much quality) so that I can enjoy everything. I've got to learn to give some things up, but I can't. It's like doing fanfics. There are so many times when I jst want to give up because I dont' feel confident enough or because I don't have too much time...but I can't. I'll go to sleep at 4am to finish that fanfic, if I've inspiration. Because it's like being in love, I am so into it. (Which is how I love people...and I'm scared to smother them, when all I want to say is that I care so much that I'd bleed for them. Ya, if ya ever need blood vampire niko niko, take! Like that...)
And as for love...these days, I'm just plain confused. One of the things that hurts me more than rejection is being accepted...but not in the way you hoped. This isn't too clear, but I'm not going to explain this. I am still that shy little kid that didn't really talk to anyone because of the fear that many people gave to me.
Duality calls me social anti-social...and in that sense, I guess I didn't like Kyo from Furuba too much because as much as I don't anticipate people coming to me, they do. And I appreciate it. But there's that self-loathing of Yuki's that makes me always think in the back of my mind, "You're just acting this way to get attention." Even if I'm sincere, there's still that doubt of people not believing in your intentions. I have many things I'm not proud of, and I'll take them to my grave, but it's still hard for me to see myself as good or cute as friends tell me, when I had been told for so long that I wasn't. It's a really hard thing to explain.
And then, I believed it. So, I have this mental block that never seems to go away. But one day...* sniff, sniff * I will overcome that. I know that. I will. Just like when I said, "I'll be somebody someday." I will become the person I want to be. Who is that exactly? I've finally figured that out: That no matter what happens, I will face the adversity and be sincere and happy with what I have. (Which leads back to Subaru. I love him so much in Tokyo Babylon, not only 'cause he's so cute, but that he had a goal. He was working against his inner and outer boundaries. That's why Calendar Boy is taking so hard to complete. It's something very personal and I hope to send out a good message through it.)
Endlessly, I have and will always wonder why people read what I have to say. Now, I know I shouldn't be ashamed about myself because my writings are my heart. Honest and true. The things I can't say or do, but would like to at certain moments.
I am glad I am able to grow and live. And I am thankful for this chance. (Last lifetime was cut off. ^^;;; In China, I only lived until I was twenty.) There are many people who irritate me by telling me how horrible life is for them when they have the necessities of two parents, three meals a day, a good education, and people that care for them. Just to have ONE of those is an accomplishment and blessing in itself. I know life sucks that way, but I cannot and will not even try to understand that all over again. I hated myself for thinking like that for so long, but I've learned from that. I've moved on.
I will never be able to feel that again. I won't let it happen again because it ate my heart away. Two things people have called me foolish for are that I love too much and that I'm too optimistic. But how can I be MA/Yui without that? (But, I am only as strong as long as none of the persons I care for aren't hurt. If they are, I become slightly weak and affected.)
One more time by the Real McCoy
24-7
I will make you feel like heaven
I'll turn you upside down
I'll spin you round and round
I'll put a spell on you baby
I will make you come and play me
I'm gonna make you mine,
Let's do it one more time
You spin me round and round and
Turn me upside down
You put a spell on me and
Hit me to the feeling
One more time
Let's do it again
Show no shame, just call my name
One more time
Again and again
Don't you want to play my game?
Play me, play me baby
Play me, show me what you got
Come play me, Play me baby,
Play me, don't stop don't stop
Do it, just do it, let's do it
Again again
Keep it going on, Show no shame,
Come and play the game,
How did I know that I would do this to you
Now that I've made you mine
Play me, play me baby
Play me, show me what you got
Come play me
Play me baby
Play me, don't stop don't stop
Play me, play me baby
Play me, show me what you got
Come play me
Play me baby
Play me, don't stop don't stop
Do it just do it
Do it just do it
Do it just do it
Do it just do it
Just do it one more time !
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
falling in love with you all over again at 09:42 p.m.
