and the school week begins~!
i think i will take some time out to write a fic or something because i think i need to get all my thoughts in order. my words, when i say them aloud, are not coming out as well as i want them to. so, i end up stumbling more than i usually do.
i don't know why, but i've been trying to push through everything, almost as if i'm afraid of what's going to happen next, but who cares about that, ne? things happen and i must deal with them accordingly. i just don't want to feel being bogged down and sad over the things i can't control, so i've been doing things to help me keep my mood up. not that it takes a lot to do...hahaha...but i'm trying my best.
i guess, i've been questioning if i am as 'good' as i think i am and am i as hard of a worker as i present myself to be. but i should be comforted with that i am. i try my best and that's all that matters.

song of the day: initial d's spaceboy

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Monday, August 30, 2004 at 12:03 p.m.

no wonder i like fighters in RPGs...
i must be a true nut. (cashew, of course, 'cause everyone loves those...) i'm taking five classes...and i actually like the classes while thinking, 'this is feasible'. please notice that grad students are supposed to only take 3 classs max. what the hell's wrong with me?! i hope i don't drop any though...*crosses fingers* my mommy laughed at me when i told her on the phone, "but you KNOW i hate losing~! no matter what happens, you know i'm such a sore loser~!" *laughs* she says, "I know." Says this to me with a smirk in her tone.
let the games begin~! i'll pass all these classes, dammit~! ^_________^v still, i look the youngest in my classes...again. that's good, though!
and, after all the crap, i found cute eye candy. ^_^v of course this doesn't compare to duality, adri, that one KAWAII girl who dressed like Ryuichi, or that gorgeous guy in Chinatown. but i still have that bad habit of looking away from people when they look at me in the eye with a cute smirk.
still, i wish i had time to do some things. i absolutely have no time whatsoever. even checkin' email's kinda hard. ;_; anyway, i hope i'll be able to even write that PoT fic in my head~!
But if this is what i have to do conquer the world, then so be it~! ^______________^v i know what the hell i want~! now how to get that...*smirk*

song of the day: yatta~!

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Thursday, August 26, 2004 at 11:48 p.m.

my first day of school...
...wah~! so much work and it's only the first day (which started at 7pm today)~! i'm scared about the four other courses. why do i do this to myself? because i'm a nut. because i like challenges. *sighs* oh well, i know this is just going to make me stronger, so i shouldn't complain too much 'cause i'm even lucky to be in school. i'll just think of it that way...
ah~! i'm so excited for yaoi con! i will try to do kazuki's new outfit, but i need to find the colors~! * winces * if not, i'll do the common outfit. yes, i'll be doing kazuki again. why? 'cause i think he's wonderful. now, i have to um, work on having that perfect body of his...

song of the day: dogfight by move

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Wednesday, August 25, 2004 at 10:42 p.m.

heh

Which "Kyou Kara Maou" Bishounen are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Tuesday, August 24, 2004 at 02:15 a.m.

*tears out hair*
YUURI~! just realize you're in love with Wolfram already 'cause it's obvious he's already jealous over you~! ;_;
sad thing is...I'm annoyed 'cause I'm exactly like Yuuri in these matters...*sighs* Person has to tell me or I don't get it...damn it all...THIS SHOW'S SO KAWAII~~~~!!!!!!!!

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Tuesday, August 24, 2004 at 01:08 a.m.

end of summer
and school is coming to a start. after drifting all this time, things are coming to focus and now i have come to conclusion that maybe even though i'm a crybaby, i really am a tough cookie with a masochist streak. did all these errands today with energy to spare~! * winces * never say die~!
i want to make one last fic for the summer...dunno if i'll be able to write it though. i've gotta think of something for iroirona's anniversary. *tears hair out* i hope that i'll be able to do some translations that i've been meaning to do. i really want to share akira hojo-sama...
speaking of inspiration, yea~! angelic was 50 percent off in borders so i just had to get it~! there are things i really, really want to buy, dvd-wise.

i'm quite in love with angel sanctuary...i want the whole series...dunno why, but it makes me so happy,inspired, and very warm inside. it's a feeling that i rarely get, if at all, from anything i come to contact with...it's a nice feeling.

i've been trying so hard to become a good writer...still not there yet...i feel like a painter who won't ever get the image in their head onto paper. as with all things, you only do an aspect, but the creation is still left much to be desired after. i believe this is the premise for human creation...but then again, that is just me. and i think too much and i love even more. i don't want that to be clouded by negative feelings, so i'll fight myself to grow and grow...

song of the day: stay away by l'arc

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Monday, August 23, 2004 at 11:46 p.m.

not the second...striving for the seemingly impossible
because someone was talking about kazuki-chan, i thought of a fic that was bugging me for a week. dunno why, but i wanted sap.



mainichi / get backers fic -
We’re not meant to live ‘normally’. I seemed to always resent that fact.
I was kept in my house and I trained to fight for forces that had no faces to them.

Even though the enemy was sometimes myself…

But I had to keep pushing on as if I knew where I was going. And I hated the fact that other people didn’t have to go through what I did or what Juubei did.
And yet, maybe that was all right.

Everyone has their own challenges, and they are given what they can survive through because they can. No one else can go through the same things, through the same circumstance, through the same feelings.

I’ve accepted that fact that we weren’t meant to spend our days as peacefully as this, but it makes these days even sweeter, doesn’t it?
People take for granted that they are able to live the way they want, no matter how much they say that someone else may control their lives at certain times.

But all in all, they’re able to still live as they want. They’re able to feel as they do. They have a choice about everything.

Unfortunately, there are people not so fortunate because they can’t or couldn’t come to this realization. Everyone is going through a war, whether it is within themselves or with the people around them. There are prisoners in camps and those of their own minds.

But we must persist. Even if there is no immediate reason, it will come eventually.

Then, it will fill your heart with an elation and sorrow that parallels no other thing in the universe.

That’s the answer I learned to my question about Ginji-san years ago. Why did you leave Mugenjyou?

It was more than selfishness, as it appeared to be. It was to learn to protect the people around him, his life, and what he believed in.
He had to become more than the power and strength that was consuming him from the inside.

In order to find the heart of change, he had to conquer himself and become more than he was before.

That is the power of living.

After coming back from Borders tonight, things were so clear to me. I know what the hell I want and who. I just have to make an intricate strategy to get everything. I don't care what I sacrifice as long as it is worth it. I'll take the hard path to get the best...
I'm prideful that way. I don't like settling to be or go for second best.

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Saturday, August 21, 2004 at 12:35 a.m.

a dream and the future should be one entity...
unspeakable / naruto fic -

As he let go of his brother, his heavy hand listlessly hung to his side. His little brother slipped to the ground as he turned around to get away from the situation as soon as possible before he would betray more of his inner feelings, those dormant emotions that were only activated around the possessor of his human heart…

There were so many things he wanted to scream out to this brutally cruel world, but couldn’t say in a single breath. His pride kept him intact through invisible strings about to snap.

Sasuke…
There are things louder than words.

All the things I want to tell you are…
…unspeakable.

end of the world / mirage of blaze fic -

1) Naoe’s eyes slightly opened in shock. He still couldn’t understand Kagetora’s and Takaya’s differing sides that seemed to be as multi-faceted as the moon in its phases. Yet, he was trying to break and comprehend all of them as they were both learning to come together in several different kinds of eclipses.

2) “The question is what _wouldn’t_ I do for you, Kagetora-sama…”

/After all, a dream goes as far as you want it.
It continues for as long as you reach for it with your bleeding hands.

That is the essence of ‘aspiration’ and ‘ambition’…

Never letting go…
…not even at the end of the world./

Dunno why, but these days, I've had an affinity towards hanging on out of desparation. Though there is not much to fear for, I'm still slightly afraid. No matter how confident I appear, there is always that self-doubt. And therefore, I've tried to conquer it slowly, but surely. I will achieve what I need to. No matter what happens or what people may say, I will live the way I have.
I have to believe in the path that I've chosen, even if I must choose to walk it alone. I'm sure it won't be lonely, though. There are helpful hands and smiling faces along the way...
Yes, I'm sure you're right, sweetie. *smiles* I won't let my strength burn out until I die. But along the way, I'll purchase shounen ai~! *lol* *looks at more akira houjou djs*

song of the day: it must have been love by roxette

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Friday, August 20, 2004 at 02:53 p.m.

"i'm a prisoner of hope"
things are becoming more balanced these days. though i am not completely genki, i am heading back there. my up and down roller coaster of moods never fails to amuse me because i have to stop and think why the hell am i such a masochist. i am still having a hard time with fics, but i shall persist because my vacation is almost done. and, iroiro fanfiction group is going into another anniversary. ^^v
i am having a hard time in relation to fics because i am trying to learn more techniques to make my writing more interesting. i am happy to hear that people are learning things from my demented fics. my twisted thoughts are going into good use after all...

song of the day: life is a flower by ace of base

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Thursday, August 19, 2004 at 04:30 p.m.

and the perilous battle...is almost won?
after running away from myself, hours at a time for the past couple of months, i'm starting to pick myself up. don't know why i'm saying this on a public board, but i'm not ashamed 'cause that's what i've presented as an author and more deeply as a person. there were many things to think about and then i came to a halt as i read 'hot gimmick' in j-town during a festival, thinking, 'why the hell am i like this? when did i ever go around so stiff and i can't even smile? this isn't me. if there's anything living at the end of this world, it's the roaches, twinkies, and me~!' *lol* life's not that peachy right now, but now i fully understand that even though i try to go at it alone (which i truly am not since i have people pushing me along the way), i'm doing all right. i'm a nut, and i'll always be a nut. i like my life and i like myself and i like the way i think, screwed up as they may be. i wonder how many can tell me, 'i don't regret anything'. i don't ever want to do that or become unpassionate.
doubt, not money, a double-edged sword of good and evil. like love, it can make you more compassionate or bitter towards life and people. i'm not saying to be naive or be too analytical (for you tend to see things that shouldn't be there either), but what's wrong with trust? it's a risk and you can fail a lot of times. you'll get mad and frustrated, but you only get a better understanding of everything once you've had to lose or get angered with it. but you grow even more if you can see it through the perception of love and compassion. a sappy remark, but true.
in the end, i know i am a woman capable of very mature thoughts, but i still keep the intensity and purity of my feelings from my childhood. i think that's what i've feared deep in my heart, that i'll lose what i know is what makes me, me and is the stem of the reason why i am able to approach people with a smile.

song of the day: initial d's save me

oh, yeah, to you know who you are, who have the audacity to still say hi to me, don't think it's an act of charity or that people are dumb enough to believe that there's nothing wrong with our broken relationship (if this weak bond can be called as such). all i wanted to know is if you learned anything from our experience, but obviously, i don't think these things can happen so easily. you've broken my heart more than any person i've ever been in love with and if i sound bitter, yes, i am. i'm angry. i hate myself for being able to be this upset with someone. know why? because i loved you more than anyone (friend, brother, parent, etc.) at one time in my life and you had to go out and discard me. then, now, you think i'm important once you've lost your support? yeah, right. you took me for granted and it'll always grate on my heart with all your wonderful words that you so colored with other people, with or without saying them aloud. think i've forgiven u? yes, but i don't fall for the same trick twice. and yet through all this, i hope someone will love and take care as much as i did for you. and if you ever see me, don't talk to me. i'll honestly cry out of pain, bitterness, and pity because i can't even shout or scream now all the hurt you've caused me with your 'tohru-complex'. *sighs* you won't understand. you don't understand why i'm mad if you can still say hi to me as if nothing happened, as is the pattern of past occurrences. nothing has changed yet, hasn't it? i don't expect anything to change radically either.
i don't think you ever let me really know you and i told you so much about myself 'cause i trusted you. find yourself and find what love really means, then you'll think about what i've said all these years. with all sincerity, good luck.

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Monday, August 16, 2004 at 05:04 p.m.

--;; life sucks big rocks desu.
this week has gone quite terribly. not only was i a bit burned, but a bunch of stuff happened and then... THE *sighs, fill in your own word* WOMAN RUINED MY FILM. I complained to her, but of course that will not do anything. She ruined the film. I've been crying my eyes out and screaming (well, as much as I can complain) to my mother. ;_; Someone really doesn't like me right now. ;_; only reedeming thing of this week? seeing winnie the pooh and nikoniko. that's it. --;;;
i know other people have worst than me and i'm making too much of a big deal, but it seems that whenever i think i can have something...something happens to take it away. i hope whatever redeems the film is WORTH its sacrifice. ;_; *goes back into her corner to cry* geez, what did i ever do some people...*sighs* *wails*

song of the day: ningyo hime

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Friday, August 13, 2004 at 05:58 p.m.

latest fic? a sudden pet shop of horrors...
dunno how it came about, but it was quite interesting. the two quotes i liked the best were both true, yet contradicting. as i was talking to my mom about the kinds of lessons and other things i try to write about, she was kind of surprised considering the fact that even though i talk a lot to her, i was more observant and quiet than she had previously thought. it was an interesting conversation. i enjoy talking with my mother because she is one of few people on the planet that satiates my desire for a good conversation. that's why i've enjoyed talking to many of my friends, both online and in rl. even though i can be called overanalytical for trying to find a deeper meaning to things that shouldn't be sought through, i cannot find myself engaging in something that does not help me form a concept of the reality inside and outside of myself. for example, i watch sd gundam force. it's gundam on crack and it's absolutely adorable~! just like kirby or sesame street~! i like these shows because even though they have very satient lessons about life, you still need to know the basics and need to be reminded of them once in a while. i don't like underestimating anything 'cause it just shows weakness without just reasoning. then again, i'm too honest for my own good. if i have to tell something painful or receive bad news, i just bear it 'cause that's what people and life's all about.

from 'xiang nai er':
1) Love is one of these things. Don’t all things stem from this horrid and delightful word?

It makes you push forward; it pushes you back.
This is one thing I hate to deal with.

It is unstable. It is unreasonable.
You can’t even anticipate what’s going to happen because of it. It’s a variable that continues to change, grow, and make people more insane, especially yourself.

And yet, ironically, above all this, love is comprised in the definition of happiness. In some distorted shape or alluring form, love is attached to the word of happiness. It’s so much so that you can compare it to a customer in a fabric shop touching smooth fur and it makes their fingers tingle. It feels odd and soft at the same time, almost comfortable.
Almost like you want to wear it. Almost like you want to let go of it because it seems too good to be true.

Then, he or she looks at the price. Is it expensive? Can I afford to give that much?

2) Happiness dissipates. It disappears as soon as it comes because it feels so good.

It’s like pain that numbs your whole body that you don’t even know you’re dying…

song of the day: hajime no ippo OT

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Tuesday, August 10, 2004 at 08:41 p.m.

ah, so yes...
i've actually gotten through Earthian. a very intriguing experience indeed. then again, it is my type of anime. i love it very much. so much so that i should buy it, but i already knew that when i first looked at the cover. my affinity towards angels is something that doesn't seem to faze me.
it is a very good anime despite the fact that the endings get repetitive. but what should happen to people who have cause their own destruction? ah, interesting indeed. that and the fact that chihaya is very adorable. makes me think of subaru, made me think of myself and my naivete. also made me wonder how come kazuhiko inoue-sama always has the cutest characters (like kagetsuya or yuki from gravi) who look really stern, but are so warm inside.

on a different note, i'm kawaii'ed out by SD Gundam. I WANT TO BUY THIS. ;_; Mecha. Chibis. Kamisama, help me. I have wheels turning in my head for original fics, but dammit, this is so darn cute~! So arrogant and so innocent at the same time. *fans herself* I can't help it. I know I'm thinking too far once shounen ai rolls around but who the heck cares? It's totally adorable~! Now to find out if there's a Japanese version...

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Sunday, August 8, 2004 at 11:01 a.m.

2 fics - earthian and gravi.
^_^ well, something happened and i was able to do something yesterday. yippee.

gravi fic - 'mou ichido': "Life’s so funny that way.

You have to walk your own path, no matter how much it hurts.
And even though you’re in a room full of people,

Why do I still feel all alone?

Even with all my words,
Why do I still feel like no one is listening to me?

Because, until now, I’m still afraid of letting myself go."

Earthian's 'utsuro':
1) “But this is my Eden.” I turn to him. “But the more I try to hold onto what we’ve been taught, the more I want to break it too. I want to fully understand them because I love them even if they’re killing themselves.
“Because I’ve found myself here. Because I’ve found my place here.”

I feel empty because I’ve given too much.
So much that I can’t ever get it back. But it’s not like I care.
I’ve learned that this is what love truly means. And this is what kindness results in.

2) In our silence and the pounding of the violent rain, I’m comforted by the fact that someone, after all these years, has heard my prayer…

The small, quiet, strong one trying its best to push through the emptiness that wants to confuse my very existence.

But all I want is to keep my heart
because that is the core of everything,

following it until I die,
understanding everything and nothing at the same time.

song of the day: blast my desire by move

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Sunday, August 8, 2004 at 10:55 a.m.

The Gundam Wing boys...falling in love again.
hmm...i wonder how many listen to what i say as opposed to paying attention...then again, the optimistic side of me says thank you that the ones who count are the only ones who will truly listen. or so, i whole-heartedly believe. i hope others believe the same with me...
i know i don't like asking for help and things of that sort, but of course, i never really expect anything from others. so it's a pleasant surprise when others actually think about you. (that's why i am overly grateful when people do that for me.) i learned this early on in life. disappointment is a part of life, myself, things, other people, etc. i guess i'm just a bit bitter right now. i feel like too many things are happening at once. and though i'm quite annoyed at being referred to as an idealistic, naive girl, i'd like to point out that it's not that i didn't know things or didn't think about them. i'm very aware of my environment, it's just that i've chosen to pick what i want to pay attention to while ignoring other things. tackling everything at once has become quite troublesome without a strategic plan. well, i thought i planned well, but i guess i've got to rearrage some things to take the full advantage of the situations before me, more than usual. ;_; i wish i were smarter...and more vocal about what the hell i want...
ack, actually seeing the end of ayashi no ceres and gundam wing are getting to me and making me think this way. ;_; gosh i love gundam wing all over again. my love for heero has sky-rocketed. trowa's so bad-ass. duo's always such a sweetie. quatre...^_________^ nothing to say 'cause i've always liked him. wu fei gets cooler every time you watch him. (i like his way of thinking...then again, how many quizzes have i taken that i've got that type of personality. Hahahaha...idealism, got to love and hate it.) i think my favorite quote by wu fei this time 'round was, 'i guess i thought too highly of him. to go for a woman...and i thought he was the sanest one here.'
Gundam Wing...doesn't matter whether i was into shounen ai or not, but this is one show in which i always take things in two ways. of course, i like the more 'ambiguous' (dare i say, more sexual) connotations of the two. *lol* what i'm more intrigued about, after watching this for the past 4 years, several eps at a time, is the way the boys' eyes move when they look at one another. it's a small detail, but one that isn't always emphasized in anime these days. i find it very intense, sexy, and cute all at the same time. *_*

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Friday, August 6, 2004 at 11:27 p.m.

i. hate. writer's. block.
don't know why i love libras...but they drive me crazy~! okee, the intellectual conversation is what i find most attractive, but this indecision thing isn't cool. ;_; and i get too emotional with those under the aquarius sign, having become too adamant and persistent towards them. * winces * --;;;;
ack. research for fics...i'm sick of this. why won't my writer's block go away?!?! every single freakin' day, i think for about 2-3 hours and i'm lucky to even write anything. as of the moment, i feel like failed in some way. can't make anyone happy, losing my temper at my impatience, and can't even write a decent fanfic. ;_; god, i wish i can pick myself up soon. this is way too upsetting. wah~! i've become temporarily useless! *hides in a little, dark corner to cry*

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Thursday, August 5, 2004 at 11:44 p.m.

oooh....*gush, gush*
i came across mali-chan's new deviantART account. *_* PERTIFUL. * winces * *_* i've come across a lot of drawings, as with fanfics, and as emotional as i am, very few things move me. extreme as i am with my emotions, when i'm completely in awe or upset, i'm utterly silent. i think this stems from the fact that deep inside, no matter how much i've tried to change this, i'm still an emotional stoic. after seeing some eps of EVA, it never fails to amaze me how much i have and always will think of myself as ayanami rei, trying to understand and yet being a bit distant having not coming to that full comprehension. i think that's why i'm attracted to very quiet, thoughtful anime characters, especially boys like takumi, heero, tezuka...searching deep inside myself, i know that i am that way, no matter how many years it's been since i entered high school. for example, i touch people like pat them or hug them, but i don't just do that to anyone. i DON'T LIKE having to kiss people as a greeting when it's meaningless. if i hold someone, i really am restraining myself 'cause i just wanted to say how much i care and love you, but have no idea how else to show that. (see, no words.)
anyways, anyone looking for good art, check out mali-chan's account: http://sintuary.deviantart.com/

pretty, dark, at times disturbing, but cute and demented. just the way i like people, things, and life. so it touches me. ^_^ i wish i could draw the things in my head, but since i can't, i try to describe it while writing. unfortunately, i'm never satisfied 'cause i can't always capture the full feel of a scene's emotions or physical environment.

ack~! what is up with this?! everyone i know is depressed and even though i'm not that sad, now i am 'cause i can't be happy when people i love aren't. damn it all.
so, i was happy to hang out with various people for the past two weeks and talk to duality (who always makes me laugh at the foibles of life that seem to either faze me or feel immune towards people). i learn so so much. life sucks, but damn, i love it. fans, friends, and family. they are the best things i look forward to every single freakin' day. okee, Mr. Sun~, as an alien from cousin Kirby's planet and a relative of the leggo man.

song of the day: knock 'em out by move

Uninspired by life? Watch something randomly. You'll be surprised by the 'answers' you get. Hell, that's why I love Sesame Street~! (Hard to find good children's shows these days and this one is close to my heart. COOKIE MONSTER~!)

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Thursday, August 5, 2004 at 09:05 p.m.

oki yo (latest fic)
yes, even though there was not much to say, i had to write it. i had to write a 'boys next door' fic 'cause it was calling out-no, screaming out my feelings that i've yet to understand. these feelings and this manga are so beautiful with their twisted, gruesome beauty.
i know that many may not know this story and some even wonder why i even write stories for rare titles that may never be read. and yet, all i can say is that they will eventually be read, even if it is just myself, over and over. i write them because they're suitable for that topic or character. most of the time, it's the perfect feeling i have inside of myself that i've wanted to convey.
here's most of the fic:

I lived for each moment that he was with me. And when he was gone, I died with every passing second because it was time that could never come back.

Where was I?
Where was I supposed to live now?

Inside my head…yes that was it.
I was supposed to live for the future, and not the past, but all I could think of was that I had to live within my memories.

In order to feel like I was alive again, I had to pretend that you were next to me to help pass the time, as you had done then.

But as much as I tried to burn everything inside of myself, it was flaming my skin and my memory. I couldn’t think about it too well. I couldn’t remember everything.
Things had started to fade.

These people kept on yelling at me and all I could think was that I wanted to back to where you were. They took you away from me.
I wanted to take you far away. To keep you forever.

In the end, have I failed? Have I failed you? Have I failed myself?

I want to cry and ask you to tell me that that isn’t true. I tried my best to hold onto everything.
They don’t understand us.

They won’t ever comprehend why I continue to stay here even though I don’t want to.

Lawrence…
You have to save me from myself. I can’t handle this alone.

No matter what I look like on the outside and no matter what they say, I need you. I need to find you wherever you are being kept or hiding.

It is shameful to say, but I am not at all embarrassed to tell everyone that I can’t live without you. It is something I was aware of from the very beginning.

You made me realize that I was somebody in this stupid world that I’m forced to live in without you again.

My mother told me that there were no balloons for me because no one needed me. My life didn’t mean anything and certainly not to anyone, especially that of my mother’s. Was that really true? I thought about that for a long, long time. Was there really a life that didn’t mean anything to anyone or anything?
Why was it that the most natural thing in the world for a mother to do was not given to me? Why was it never given to me in any shape or form? What did I do wrong?

I was just born here. I didn’t know anything else.
It wasn’t my fault that I was given to her.

And then I found you.
Even though people don’t believe that trash will reveal anything useful, that’s a folly that many people go through inside of their hearts and their minds. From all the rubble and all the dirt, I was able to find my most beautiful jewel of all.
And when this jewel was given to me with all its chipped parts, I held it so close to me even though the cuts were so deep and made me bleed.

Why would I choose to hold onto something that hurt me so much?

It said that it loved me.

You told me that even though you could see through me and could use me with everything you had, you still repeated to whisper in my ear the things I needed to hear most in the world. I was able to swallow everything you did because you gave me what I always sought after.
You gave me what I wanted the most.

And they say it’s wrong.
They tell me that isn’t right.

But why is that?

They are jealous, aren’t they? That’s why they took you away from me.
They want to find out the secret. They want to find a trick to life and how we’re able to love one another.

They can’t have it. There’s no guide.
They’re such idiots to think that.

Wake up already, Lawrence…
Take me away from here…

Everything’s becoming too unreal and I’m starting to forget what you look like even though I’ve tried so hard to remember. This feeling in my heart is becoming even heavier and so I can’t breathe sometimes.

I want to leave.
I want to go to a place where I can only see you and where you won’t ever leave me again.

Come and get me.
Wake up…

Please wake up, Lawrence.

Please wake me up…
I don’t believe this is the real world because you’re not here.

I won’t believe that this is reality.
Nothing’s real…no…

I’m dreaming. I know I’m just dreaming…

~~
Ah…is that you? You’re doing well!

I want to cry now because I’m so happy. You brought me balloons?
My life…was important, wasn’t it?

As long as you say so, that’s all I’ll listen to.

I love you, Lawrence.
That’s all I know. That’s all I want to see…

Nothing but you.

Take me away from here.

Let’s go to a place where no one else can touch us.
No one had to understand in the first place, not even ourselves.

This time, I won’t let go, even though they’ll try their best dying in trying to tear you away from me.

I am yours.
Do what you want with me.

As long as I’m with you…
That’s all that matters.

Don’t ever leave me again.
I can’t take this anymore…

I don’t care what you think of me or what you’ll do to me, but
I don’t want to be left all over again,
especially by you, Lawrence.

* smile *
Over and over again, I love you
even though you’re always killing me deep inside.

Owari.

--
author’s note: I understand that there is really nothing else to write ‘cause this title was thorough in its story and emotions, but I couldn’t resist touching it, as little as it may have seemed. After all, this is my favorite manga by Yuki Kaori-sensei. Then again, I have an ache within my heart in my partiality towards the name Adrian…

After a long time, I found myself crying while writing. Ah, I love this story all over again.

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Wednesday, August 4, 2004 at 03:32 a.m.

i cannot say a lie. (uso ga iienai.)
i have to admit that i'm quite depressed as of the moment. many factors and thoughts have led me to this point and so i shall wallow with this sadness that seems to passionately love me in its sincerest feelings to murder me.
what i found most amusing was when i told nikoniko about how i dealt with it, she frowned at me and shook me to tell me, 'no~! oh no~! why did you do that?' i couldn't help but laugh at my own perversity to torture myself. i had said that because i was depressed, i found myself re-reading 'boys next door'. ;_; (one of my favorite manga of all time.) not an intelligent way to deal with my emotional turmoil, but at least a lovely, aesthetic path of walking with it.

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Wednesday, August 4, 2004 at 01:59 a.m.

another stimulating conversation with the fabulous wingxduality~!
i know i can't ever run out of things to talk and think about with WingXDuality. it seems that whenever i've come to some great obstacle within my own thinking, she gives me a good thought to hit it with. so, when she said, it's hard for me to comprehend the reasoning behind the motives of humans even though i like to analyze human nature, i was a bit stumped. and i stammered to say that i understand a lot of things. i can get everything thrown at me, slow as it may come, but the one thing i can't understand is when people purposely want to wish you poorly for their own sense of self-satisfaction, aka making themselves feel better at the expense of others. however, after evaluating this some more, i've come to this thought that i cannot understand something that i do not think about. having no idea about a particular idea or intention, how can i make a solution or problem of it?

my latest venture is tokyo babylon/x. i made a fic called 'finale'. probably 'cause i made it a premise before subaru 'betrays' kamui in x (which hasn't been updated since may 2003).

Quote 1:
"Yet, we are all called human.

Even those that shed blood that isn’t their own, a matter of self-preservation. I read once in a story that everyone kills everyone else, even though there is no evidence of the blood. But there it is splattered invisibly on a person’s hands.

For every decision you make, you decide whether or not a person’s dream or life will persevere in its limitless struggle to make its presence known in the universe. It is like the dying of stars. Just because there are many and they have lived for quite a while, that doesn’t mean that they are insignificant and unheard.

Quote 2:
Even now, at age twenty-five, as I look at my reflection with these mismatched eyes, I touch the glass, looking at my own reflection. Your dying words keep repeating,

“You are kind, Subaru.”

And I know that deep down inside, I have always wanted to tell you,
“I am not.
That’s only how you want to see me…

…because that is how I’ve presented myself to be.”

Have I lied to myself all my life?
No, I cannot think like that.

I can only live with what I believe in, whatever that may be.

She told me, “It is hard to go beyond what you cannot see, but can feel with all of your heart, Subaru.”

I liked these quotes the best I think it summarizes what I believe inside of my heart, and yet try to surmise inside of my head.

song of the day: superstar by the carpenters

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Wednesday, August 4, 2004 at 12:35 a.m.

since this blog was originally for fic updates...
i've decided to put excerpts from stuff i'll make, from now on. today, i did weiss kreuz. ^_^ thought i'd never see the ending 'cause it was out for a week. ;_; no koyasu, miki, seki, and yuki -samas was really hard.

from 'kokorojyoubu' / weiss fic:
"Flowers, no matter how much you shadowed them, would grow towards a source of light. Whether it was through the sun or an artificial illumination, it would follow that light, as if seeking its very own truth in the world. Even though it couldn’t speak or leave to go wherever it pleased, it chose to grow as it wanted.
Why, it seemed to me, did the simplest of living things know what some humans couldn’t or didn’t want to understand?"

song of the day: finale by l'arc en ciel

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Monday, August 2, 2004 at 04:36 a.m.

from 'captured in its entirety' / FMA fic
"He wanted to laugh to himself. It was all so funny. Did kamisama laugh at his folly? The great soldier who didn’t believe in him was now at his mercy?

Why was it such a human thing to do? To give up everything for the one you truly loved, an unconditional love that knew no boundaries and therefore exceeded beyond the definitions of ‘dangerous’?

Wasn’t it ironic that you would sacrifice anything and voluntarily wanted to die? It was so much harder to live through, though. To be the one left behind…

…when a life without that person meant no life at all.

If that were the case, why were they even there?
Why did they have to do all this?

Was it all pointless?

As he held him tighter in his arms, he was holding on for dear life...

For, he concluded,
’happiness’ was a subjective thing, wasn’t it?

Then, did that mean that humans lived in an illusion, or self-imposed waking dreams? Maybe. They all perceived things differently. Nothing would ever be perfect. Not in actuality or in a memory.

Nothing was ever captured in its entirety.

Not emotions. Not sanity. Not death. Not life…
Nothing at all.

Especially love.
Yes, especially that of love."

Yes, I have to admit that I was psychotic when I derived inspiration for this last night. But it was an interesting fic to make. ^_____^ I like psychos. ^^v

song of the day: knock 'em out by move

i love you~ i've proposed to takumi again~~! ^______^
Saturday, July 31, 2004 at 11:42 a.m.

Sites I buy from (and promoting!):

[x]Anime Link - cels

Friends I love and stalk

[x]My Sweetie (and totally obsessed after) Adri
[x]Melli-chan!
[x]My Jehjeh Wolfye
[x]wonderfully twisted MD
[x]Kawaii Len
[x]Sweet Mali-chan
[x]Yumei-san
[x]Cocoa-san [x]Kamitra-san
[x]Mara-chan (fellow lover of ^_^ chisai Subaru and teenage Seishirou)
[x]Mikomi-chan