Initial D! You always come through!
As I watched the last episode of Initial D, I realized these are the answers I needed at this time in my life. The difficulties of choosing to stay on the path I've chosen were much harder than I could ever predict on any of my projections. However, I'd have to say that I guess I am most frustrated at myself because I don't feel like myself right now. The transition point is making me anxious. And, I don't want to become bitter because of this frustration. So, I will continue on as I always have. I have never been a confident person, but perseverance has not ever let me down. I wonder if I was like Takumi thinking there was a 'standard' for my own self.

I hope this isn't the end of Initial D 'cause I heard 'Rage My Dream' at the end of Fourth Stage. It's always a show that teaches me something about life.
It's funny that there was one who said I could live without them. There was another who said that they admired me but talked about me behind my back. Yet, I am still this person that I see and the person that those people I knew at that time.
Yet, I still think there will be something wonderful. Maybe, I don't know what I really want yet, but it's always there in front of me. That's okay. I'm always given the best things without knowing, but thankful for them.

I SAW TAKUMI LAUGH. *DROOL* I WANT THAT LAST FLASH OF HIM! XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDddd SOOOOOO HOT! I have always loved those eyes that concentrated so much. Somehow, it always comforts me. I guess, I want to be that confident as I want Tatsuha to be confident like that with me.

song of the day: sleepless beauty

When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
Saturday, February 25, 2006 at 07:52 a.m.

i'm alive~! really~!
It's almost a month and a half since I've been in Tokyo, and already, I feel out of touch with everyone. I barely caught up with any of my emails yesterday and wrote a fic after almost 2 months of absence. But having not been able to really express my thoughts on this new transition on life, fanfics have new meaning for me.
As I teach my little kids, I feel very proud yet frustrated. I find myself always wanting to do more, but I am always happy to come in everyday. It surprised me that when I told this to people, they were almost shocked. I guess even though I'm serious about something, as long as I love it, I feel that it is worth every difficulty.
I am doing my Tokyo Babylon tour! XD It's quite exciting! Tokyo Tower made me cry and it told me that I finally made it to my dream. Ikebukuro made me think of Su and Sei's first date. Shinjuku made me think of Hokuto, but Ueno...Ueno also made me cry from every part of my being. I feel strangely new in this city in the sense that I'm reshaping myself. But in Ueno, I feel most like myself and feel the most peace and content. ^_______^ Thus, it is my favorite place!
I hope that everyone's doing okay! As for me, I'm doing just fine! ^____^ I'm used to snow, sun, wind, rain, and cloud all in one day. XD

song of the day: Kaikan Phrase OST

When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
Monday, February 13, 2006 at 01:51 a.m.

finally back online!
as i spend my days teaching in tokyo, i've found a place that maybe i've been here before in spirit. it is new and yet the lonely, melancholic feeling is all together familiar. to tell the truth, i feel like subaru. really!
everyday, i learn new things, but some are really beyond my comprehension. i've grown up a lot, but in some aspects, old pains still come up because of the new ones that make themselves apparent to me like someone who says they're sorry when you know it's all for show. but not to dwell on negative things, i'm having fun teaching.
i feel that i have been humbled this experience and find a more reassured part of myself. in order to grow, i'm now pushing all my limits at the same time. it's crushing at times, but i've not cried on their behalf. i've been strong enough for that and hope to grow from there. ^_^ and so, here am i writing that there are many things to say like going to Ueno, Ikebukuro...the whole Tokyo Babylon tour. XD (Did you expect less from me?)
That answer that I've been looking for a long time will soon come into my hands, I'm sure. I know it's here. Little by little, I will know. And the happiness that I've seized through my dream will not scare me. I will take it. I miss a lot of people though.

I see Cloud on adverts and they're life-sized and I found lots of TB items!!!

I miss you, Duality and Cloud. And of course, you always, Tatsuha.

song of the week: Passion by Utada Hikaru (I think of my brother and Tatsuha whenever I hear this song...)

When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006 at 05:38 a.m.

made a little progress
dunno why, but i got to thinking again, and this time, i have to say that my relatives have done it once again to make me feel like an expendable piece of trash as they always do. but this year, i didn't cry when i opened my gift to find something that had no thought and something that i had given last year.
as usual, i feel weird 'cause i know i should be annoyed, but at times like these, i'm not as mad i am. i've gotten used to it and it is too little an issue to get ruffled about. i just realized that this will always continue and i've got to pass through.
but maybe that's the equivalent. (sorry i brought up something sort of depressing. it was hurting my heart a little. i usually do not like discussing things like this, but i had to let it out.) my brother thought of a gift even though I had teased him that he gave me nothing. XD my parents always think about me and my friends gave me their loving friendship that is genuine and totally caring. plus, my best friends gave me what i really wanted: CLOUD FIGURINE AND MEMORIES! XD
I am lucky and I love them too. I always take a while with presents 'cause I think hard about what to give. XD
This Christmas has been fun so far and I won't be back for a whole year. I'm glad I have a warm home to come back to.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE~! I hope that you're doing all right!

and Takaba, I miss you dearly. Take care of yourself and I love you.

song of the day: if by janet jackson

When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
Sunday, December 25, 2005 at 09:21 a.m.

How does it feel?
I'm now officially twenty-five years old. It is the weirdest thing because I don't look past twenty, but my mentality is always planning way in advance. To tell the truth, I think five years isn't a long time. Today also marks the day that I have only a few more days in the United States. I am so happy to actually live my dreams and see how far I've coem from that really shy, scared little girl that never talked back to people.
I will try to get back online. I've been on a long vacation from my online life. ;_; Life is really going too fast, but as much as I sum the year into lots of wonderful changes and very hurtful breakups, I'm still alive. And this year, I learned that life is no longer a survival game. There aren't enough hours to do everythign and to love everyone.
My wish is always the same: To the past, present and future, I just hope everyone around me is happy.

song of the day: all for you by janet jackson

When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
at

now i understand what they meant by...
...riding in the tide. as of the moment, things are going so fast as i count down to the day i leave SF. it's so exhilirating, but more than anything, i'm as scared as hell about failing, more than ever. i have high expectations, but i'm as anxious as the next person who will go through acculturation 'cause i won't be back for a long time here. but i definitely will come back to sf. my parents said they'll help me with as much of a down payment if i find a good place to settle with. i hope they'll be down with whomever i marry. XD that's all. but other than that, i'm so happy with life even if i seem confused by the tide.
it's hard for me to say i'll miss anything 'cause i just wanna say i love you since it means whomever or whatever is still near.
drank a hella lot last night...but couldn't get drunk. oh dear... slept well though had a weirdly not-so-nice dream. XD i've built my tolerance. thank goodness i don't get hangovers. ^_~v


song of the day: toxic by britney spears. never thought i could dance like THAT...hahaha...*ahem*

When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005 at 12:27 p.m.

happy thanksgiving!
ah, the start of the holiday season. i am actually taking a day off today. whoppee! *laughs* but i'm happy to be home! thank you, duality!
but as always, lots of things to think about. again, i'm confused. but i shall dwell on that on another day.

song of the day: can't get you out of my head by kylie m.

When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
Thursday, November 24, 2005 at 08:56 a.m.

life in a blur, but all smiles.
The days pass so fast that I've forgotten that I can stay in one place and watch/read something without doing anything else simultaneously. relaxing has become hard for me because I'm losing sense of what that means.
And then time keeps on going. I am hanging out with a lot of people and gaining too much weight 'cause I eat too much. XD But it's all fun. Each moment that was already precious becomes more embedded into my heart. i know I will miss San Francisco, and I know I will come back to it, if Kamisama will allow me to.
To tell the truth, ever since I said that I'd leave, I wake up every night. I have a doubt that keeps me awake for an hour and then I fall asleep again, only to forget the question by the morning. And it's more of the fact that I'm as scared as anyone else, though no one believes me when I say so. I'm a crybaby, but I'm so stubborn, I still do what I want.
I've written two fics. One is for Fruits Basket and the other for Viewfinder. Both of them were dark, but I took another facet of Yuki in which he was a savage rather than a prince and Takaba doesn't want the ability to slay and transform the oni Asami. I guess from both of them, I know that there is some kind of self-hatred rather than low-self esteem. I'm still trying to figure out why I have the confidence to do things in my life plan, but separate that as a trait of strength for myself. But if I was really that strong, why do I still get hurt and angered by some of the things that I should already be over?
I wish I could see myself clearly, as good or as bad as people think of me. This inbetween stuff is making me crazy.
But damn it all, life has become more fun!!! I LOVE IT!

Tatsuha, I love you, darling.

song of the day - la la la love song (long vacation theme). Minami is what I'll be when I'm 30.


When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
Sunday, November 13, 2005 at 11:31 p.m.

Isogashii da yo~!
Wow, a few hours where I get to breathe. I don't know what's in stored because I'm taking this opportunity, but I'd have to say that I miss writing fanfics. T_______T My life online has turned to zilch and it makes me sad. The only people I write to are my best friends, my parents, school stuff, and Takaba. Other than that, there hasn't been a day that I've been able to stay completely at home. T_T It is fun though.
I hope I can force myself to write a new story soon. Or maybe just put up my original? ^_^ In any case, I finished my portfolio!

song of the day: feel your breeze by V6

When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
Thursday, November 3, 2005 at 07:00 p.m.

finished the preparations for my portfolio
I've been sleeping at even more insane hours and waking up earlier and earlier everyday, but I've been good. Even though I'm tired and overworking myself, *smiles* I've not gotten sick!
There are a lot of things happen and I don't know what to do, but I keep on moving forward. I don't know what to say except that life really is wonderful. Exhausted, but happy, I continue on.

song of the day: old shakira song

When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005 at 09:22 a.m.

I am completely crazy.
Not really knowing what's happening, I'm going to teach in Japan. *_____* My dream is coming true...

But I know I'm crazy. I know that now more than anything and when I already made a date for Hong Kong too. XD
The only sad thing is that I'm booked to leave on January 1st...

When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005 at 12:40 a.m.

happy birthday, duality~!
I'm sure there are a million songs
that you've heard me sing
when we went to college.
We've to spend our special days
going to Borders and having the guards
tell us go and the staff nod at our
familiar faces. (Or at least mine?)

First birthday was at the dorms, wasn't it?
You thought I was a weirdo
wanting to hug you even though
we'd been friends for more than half a year.

Second birthday, I'm sure it was the dorms,
and we said, "Damn, can't go to yaoi con,
Too far."
Actually, I remember this four days before
Inuyasha came out. Ahem, Kappei.

Third birthday, the apartment,
with a determination to give
3 things. All I remember is you saying,
"I'm tired from lab..."

Fourth birthday, another apartment.
I'm sure we laughed and talked 'til ungodly hours,
another wonderful day. XD
Fifth birthday, the first time we're not living together.
It was weird to me to try to give cards and stuff
not in person, but on the weekend on the way to see you
had to give you Happy Birthday.
Three things...

As usual...wracking my brain
to find the gift that my clumsy hands can't make.
Trying to feed you and tell ya
that it's great that you came to the world,
and that I'm glad
you're my best friend.

Sappy, yes.
But how many can say
a conniving,
selfish,
sexy
bitch goddess
is on their side?
A friend who would do anything for you?

Not very many.
I'm lucky indeed.
And you are too!

I'm your secret weapon~!
For taking over the world!
XD

Happy b-day, Duality!

Boogle all the way, man~!

When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
Thursday, October 6, 2005 at 07:50 p.m.

I am calm. ^_^
There are a million things to do and I spent my time doing homework in Japantown eating a pretty good (just a little sweet than I prefer) chocolate mousse cake. Blame it on Antique Bakery, but it felt nice to be outside in the sun and do things in peace, which usually doesn't happen very much in my inner and outer entropy. Life is always hectic for me, whether inside my mind or dealing with whatever in life.
The sun was shining and I'm really happy right now. Things are not as smooth as I'd like them to be, but it's the best damn feeling I've had in a very long time.
I'm just wondering why many people have asked me, "How do you know?" And I answer, "I don't. I don't know anything about conventions and social stuff like that. I'm not very smart, but if there's one thing I know, it's people." I'm not a good talker, but I like to learn about people and what they love/dislike. It's my connection to finding out what life is since I can't experience every single thing. So to be put into an experience, whether good or bad and not just hypothetical, is not only useful, but touching to me because I was able to spend time with that person. But of course, this all happens on how much trust there is in any of these relationships.
So, my only real life question of the day (since it crossed my mind before going to sleep) is why there are people who want to be loved or cared for whole but will not give. And it not a matter of not being able to. As long as you are honest and forget some of your inhibitions, then you'll surely grow. It'll take a long time to find someone just right, whether lover or friend or whatever. But it all boils down to being hurt, right? However, it's not pain itself, but the amount a person can take. To balance that out, how much can you give yourself too?
I'm not scared to give. It's taking I'm not really used to because of fear of disappointment. But that is very normal. These are life things everyone goes through.
I just don't get it sometimes. And then when it's the not the way it's 'planned out to be', there are alternatives. That's not the one, only way. It's practical because there are so many ways to say and do things. Alternatively, there are a lot more ways not to do them.
*smiles* You receive what you give and see as far as you can. In turn, that's what you'll get. Life is mysteriously fair that way.
I didn't know that until so many thing pile up and then a really good thing happens to tell me, "Be happy. This is what you're working for, whether or not you think it's fair."

song of the day: an album by the guy who sings 'super drive'

When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
Tuesday, October 4, 2005 at 05:59 p.m.

I only have 10 weeks more in SF?
The days are incredibly short as the sun shines brighter than ever before. The clouds and fog seem nonexistent and I'm surprised as to how this could happen in San Francisco.
As the days pass, I spend them on my computer or walking while thinking of homework or lesson plans. I'm almost so distracted that I miss my stop until my ESP kicks in or a guardian angel tells me to get off. I walk through either highly drained and/or sick. But as I separate my personal feelings while teaching with a smile, I'm learning the tricks of the trade. And things that my classmates tell me are so 'technical', I've thought of instinctively. I've just had a hard time expressing clear directions/instructions because I am not good with communication in words.
So, I go through life in a hard-working days and my body is easily fatigued, and to add to everything, I have some very difficult school days along with miscommunications with people. My peak hours are talking to friends and relaxing with some good dramas or yaoi to keep me distracted. However, I still strive to find that happiness everyday.
I know that I should be mad or frustrated longer than I am. It is daunting and confusing to me because I wake up trying hard to smile because I won't have this day again.
All in all, underlying it all, as much as I cry or want to scream, I really am lucky. I enjoy my life right now and will continue not to grow bitter over misdirections or misguided pathways.
Each day, I sing a new song. I need to get my voice back up to par. And writing...how I love you.

I miss you already, Duality. T_T And you, Takaba, whatever you're doing, I love you, sunshine.

song of the day: some trance song to a Initial D video.

When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
Thursday, September 29, 2005 at 08:30 p.m.

And then, the answer came.
After about four months of contemplation, I think I've finally figured out how to smash that stumbling block in my way. Some anime, concidences, and life advice made me realize that I'd been 'slow'. What I mean is that even if I said I tried my best, did I really try my best? I have yet to find out if I've been relaxing more so as to not get over stressed about certain things in life or have I been pushing my limits? In a sense, I've been doing both at the same time, as contrary as they are. And I think I became frustrated because I was applying my old life rules to current situations, which shouldn't have been.
The reason why things have turned out this way is that I've probably lost something when self-doubt settled again, but at seeing many things different or rediscovered them (as well as myself), I became aware of the fact that I had set the bar up again for myself to challenge myself. For, I want to live a life that can't be put on a linear path as I had wanted before: graduate hs, graduate college, get married, become a doctor, retire. Now, I get this adrenaline rush from not knowing and then going from the next adventure to the next. It is scary, but as my professor told me yesterday, "It's good that you know yourself that well to do it."
If can't bear it, I don't have the right to keep it. Without speaking, I will not ever get my message across. And all I said to my teacher was, "I'd rather regret having done something I could have than not." Because, I had that opportunity.

And with negativity, of course i'd like to ignore it, but these are things that keep a person balanced. (That's part of the reason why I'm glad Duality doesn't get sick of me. XD We complement each other well while Takaba, you are so unpredictable it makes me, shamelessly happy.) But to overcome that of which I couldn't in the past, I can do now. That bitterness should be there and it's okay, but I shouldn't let it overrule anything else.
I contemplate on things, but I also face them head on. And I want that cool life!

song of the day: ff4 bgms

When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
Thursday, September 22, 2005 at 02:44 p.m.

Parce que tu ne dis pas ta raison
(dunno how to put the accent marks. ^^;;; and i've not written french in a long time. damn, i still know things. *blink, blink*)
copyright 2005/miyamoto y.

cela m'est egal

aujourd'hui, il pleut.
je ne comprend pas la raison,
mais, je pensai que mon coeur
est doux-amer.

c'est tres absurde!
tu ne me ecoutes pas.
c'est etrange, mais
ce n'est pas etrange aussi.
Dans l'image en miroir,
nous voyons que nous desirons.

Ce n'est pas la verite.

Je sais maintenant.

C'est triste, non?

Mais, je ne pleure pas.
Tu n'est pas assez bon que
mes larmes.
Beaucoup des personnes
me blesserent et
briserent mon coeur...

l'experience...
ce n'est pas exceptionnel.

Je suis une personne mechant, oui?

Parce que tu ne dis pas ta raison,
je dis,
"Merci beaucoup et je dois vous dire...

adieu."
Je ne discute cet histoire.
Ever.

song of the day: yume kamo shirenai by the s.h.e.

When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
Saturday, September 10, 2005 at 03:53 a.m.

Kappei/Ryuichi... damn, I love you. for freakin' ALWAYS!
Maybe it was because I was busy all day that I realized something when I took a break. Unconsciously, I wanted something to look forward to and then, that's when I saw that I could dl a subbed version (though I already watched it raw) of ID 4th stage ep 17. (I desparately need that movie's English release, by the way. T_________________________T) And I kept on looking into Takmui's visage and thought, "This is the kind of person that I love more and more." Maybe it was that look in his eyes, but I always liked it when he got mad: the point of deep concentration. There was nothing else that distracted him. Seeing that, it calmed me down and I somewhat forgot in the midst of doing so much, I had to also put my all into one thing at a time. i couldn't let my mind wander too much, no matter how ADD-ish I acted at certain times to the point of shame. ;_; If someone would guide me like that, but I think I found someone greater than that. If I could lead like that without fear, then I'd overcome my mental barrier.
So, before going to sleep now, I hopelessly searched for Gravi. At this particular moment, I had to hear Kappei. And it led me to Gravi. Instead of Ep 5 with 'My Honey', I found Ep 3. I smiled widely even if I knew the lines already. It was the first unnervous smile I'ved had in ages. A smile without worry, but a pure one untouched by anger, confidence, or the world's tainted fingers. This was the person I wanted to come back to.
Then, I watched ep 2 to hear Kappei sing. Though I've sung this to Takaba with all my heart, today it was very different from what I did before. A new dawning came over me. I soon figured out, once more, that this was the song I always came back to. I always sang it for confidence with Kappei. My heart felt like and I truly understood 'to paint a future with colors'. (I will have sing this to you again, Takaba. I promise it will sound better this time 'round, but that was my best then also. I'd never sung something like that before, to anyone in that matter I mean.)
So, I skipped to the end of ep 8 with my favorite scene: Ryuichi opening his eyes to show the audience that his baby talk was all for show, that he could take your heart, rip it, and give it to you sewn. But, you'd never know he took it because you stopped breathing. So, when he closed his eyes again in the instrumental part of the song, I became aware that I'd gone so far. Shuichi was the person I always felt like whenever I saw this episode.

Today, I became Ryuichi. I am truly Ryuichi.

No matter how many times I wrote about him, only today did I finally taste what you were telling me, Takaba. And I felt more honoured and humbled by your words. It was also at this very moment that I transitioned from a person reaching out for a dream, but one who made them gravitate and come to me. That I could change things I damn well-pleased. To have this awesome, yet terrifying power within my own hands.
I wasn't scared of what was to come, I found out. It was what it would make me become and could I control these changes?

Yes...
Yes, I damn well can WILL.

Is this really how strong I've become? I wonder. *laughs* But don't you ever leave me, Duality, Niko, Cloud...and especially you, Takaba. It's more than needing you. I don't think I can be true, whole self without you. Not anymore. ^_^
I no longer love by myself, in loneliness. There is much warmth where I come from, my Planet Kirby (that pink star near the sun, next to Mercury...*lol*)

I wish you all this happiness...and much more than this. I hope you'll accept it.

song of the day: Sleepless Beauty (Sacred Beauty Air Mix)

When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
Thursday, September 8, 2005 at 02:44 a.m.

life as it is...
while spending my wonderful weekend with duality (and still am), i've talked to her about MORE things that ever. XD that and i've not slept well due to a continuation of worse nightmares. all i can say that i've learned is that i'm too not into wasting time. i. just. can't. if something happens that's bad, i just 'move on' really quickly and i'm tired of people playing games with me. i...feel much better after having let all my aggressions out.
oh yes, thanks adri! i can now watch tsubasa. SEICHAN~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
Sunday, September 4, 2005 at 11:51 p.m.

happy birthday, takaba-kun~! XD
i feel refreshed about our little talk yesterday. hope you're having a wonderful day~! i luv u!

When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
Thursday, September 1, 2005 at 01:58 p.m.

mainichi
everyday
by miyamoto yui

naze? doushite?
when i came back again
to the place that had left
me so lonely
thought it was the fullest feeling
i've ever had in my whole life,
your silhouette came into view.

and i wondered,
'would you stay here with me?'

there were things that i said,
there were things that i did,
and i'd never done those things before -
flirt, kiss, and hold.
the things i openly did,
were precious every second with you.

this love overflows.

continuously, i wonder
what did i stumble upon?
how could this flower be mine?
surely, it belongs to someone else,
a beautiful purple-blue rose
they said was a mistake,
a failed attempt to color
the flower garden.
surely, it belonged to someone else
and not for someone like me...

everyday...
you are inside of me.
everyday,
you are the one thing
i look forward to
that guarantees i will be happy,

to endure any hardship with a smile
no matter how oppressed i feel from the world
or how harsh i am to myself.

there you are
waiting
and i never knew
someone so wonderful
would exist...

that i would want to belong
to one person.

yes, to you...

once you existed on this very day,
i was already yours
without knowing it.


When you plead, it makes me want to tease you more. Runaway from me...I want you too much.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005 at 3:20 p.m.