dejavu translation comfortable... maria-sama... ice cream anyone? adri...yeah, twisted...but plausible...
dejavu
by matsuoka hideaki
Until I looked into your eyes with mine,
I didn't believe in miracles and things like that.
The promised encounter is like dejavu
that causes me to run.
Ah, even though I don't want eternity,
I always want to gaze into these eyes
I don't believe in destiny
I want to believe in you!
You hold a mysterious charm within you.
Someday before, I have a feeling of seeing
your figure; my heart's beating furiously
(like) I'm a hard working prisoner*
Ah, for eternity, even though it isn't necessary,
I can't shut you out of my memories
and I can't love an illusion.
I want to hold you in my arms!
Ah, even though I can't sacrifice forever,
I can't ever let go of these hands
and I can't rely on the cross**
I want to protect you!
*doridori represents being a prisoner (pun on the sound of chains)
**cross refers to Christianity/cross of Christ
translation by miyamoto yui
10:41 PM 4/3/2004
Saturday, April 3, 2004
i asked, 'can i stay with you for as long as i can?' at 10:49 p.m.
wah...maria-sama is pretty good. it has a charm, but i'm still a little frustrated over all the shoujo ai just because they're in an all-girl school. i had little sisters (even had to coordinate everything when i was class pres and vice for some years) and we never did this. of course, there were rumors of our sister school...but they were true...which i didn't find offensive. but then again, looking at rosa gigantea, i find myself opening my eyes 'cause i'm shy like sachiko, but i touch people as openly as rosa gigantea. (i never do listen to social conventions and kiss or hug whomever i want). never thought of myself as a 'flirt', but i wonder if that's what it looks like...eh, don't care. ^_^ *smirks* but she's so...charming...blonds...god, she's so cool and sexy! ;_; i _like_ this chick. but rei *_* is still my favorite...feminine but looks bishounen. ;_; oh wonderful God...thank you for wonderful art! *is upset that PoT 127 was such a let-down so she turns to bishoujos for the moment* I miss Tezuka! And Mamoru! my first love and bish! smla was so good! (despite all the cheesiness, i still love sm!) i don't like usagi, but everyone's so cool! mamoru~! *was crying over the pain in his eyes, even if he is adorkable* and artemis! *winces* KAPPEI~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! his birthday is next month! he's turning 39!!!
ah, but on a serious note, i wrote two new fics. one was for pmk and the other was for PoT. pmk was depressing, but i was feeling lonely, and i'm mostly very 'artistic' when i'm depressed. ^^;;; so, there was the root of that story. i guess i was frustrated with life. it explained a lot of things i couldn't really say to other people. as for prince of tennis, ah, the fuji/ryouma/tezuka love triangle. i was focusing on how ryouma and fuji were reacting to tezuka and his absence. both of them hate to lose and both of them reflect different sides of tezuka. i made ryouma more 'weak' in the loose sense of the word while i made fuji very playful. (okay, in _my_ head, fuji is a very smart and cunning individual that can be innocent at certain points, but he's just sadistic. he's so sexy and possessive over tezuka that he teases tezuka relentlessly over his frustration. yeah, that's a sufficient explanation.) --;; triangles...don't ask...himitsu.
and then that last gravi fic was a very, very, very fun venture. i totally made ryuichi this 'almighty idol' (not that that isn't true, mind you), but he was way too overconfident, which is so unlike the characterization i put for him. this time, it was shuichi who was fighting inside of his head on what he wanted from life and how good was he at what he wanted as a career. then, he finds his answer, but it's funny 'cause shuichi totally thought he had 'nothing'. and ryuichi thinks that he sang to have shuichi compete with him in singing and then wants him to be the person to take his place and surpass him too. complicated, but that's the story. yeah, the fic's way too sexual for my standards, but ryuichi's appeal was that he surpassed normal, social barriers. he made both genders blush but he was acting as 'himself', not fearing of what others thought. he was just damn confident that he'd get where he wanted to. (you can see i love ryuichi and if i had an anime personality in Gravi, this is it...actually, subaru's politeness and mentality with ryuichi's passion and actions? that's me summed up. complicated as i think and act and write. but it's another subject if i talk about subaru...)
when i look at these three fics i made this week alone, i see that i'm always struggling with what i define as myself. i look like i know what i'm doing, but i don't. but i am a brat. i went to church yesterday and even stayed for the stations of the cross, and i realized why the heck was i complaining. i had it easy compared to some other people. this is my own cross and this is what i must overcome. and there's always someone with me.
i pray, but i don't impose this on people. i believe in God because i have seen many miracles which i don't count as coincidences. you might think they're crazy, but they happened to me and i will always be grateful for them. that's why i am here.
that's what i write about. i'm still trying to find my sense of identity, or rather refine it. while here in sf, with time to think by myself, i see this new and old person emerging. i dress 'better', i write 'deeper', and i question myself as always, but i find that i'm much too harsh to myself and should lighten up. (maybe i'm not such a bitch...--;;;;; okee, that doesn't count when i'm mad.) i'm childish and adult-like at the same time. and so, hell, i'm glad to act like a little kid. i can get away with it. as long as i do what's comfortable for me and do a good job, who has the authority to say how i live is wrong? if i kiss a boy or girl friend on the cheek is not 'proper'?
i am only myself. and that is good enough, but i will always strive to be my best at all times. there is no other way for me to live. i can't live another way.
but i have a cold...again. ;_; --;;; i said i haven't been doing homework...i just forgot to say that's why. ^^;;;;; okay, excuse ne???
song of the day: (still) vanilla by gackt
i want what's not in front of me.
an illusion in my head.
but how many can say they're passionate about their career or the person they love?
and this doesn't equate to anything,
this is how much i love you.
Saturday, April 3, 2004
i asked, 'can i stay with you for as long as i can?' at 05:21 p.m.
gosh, this anime's SO brother, dear brother! *_* (I still wanna see brother dear brother too!) ack...what the hell. all-boy and all-girl school don't ALL do that type fo thing...I went to an all-girl school and the only reason they thought i liked girls was because i was so dispassionate with boys. (rumors...you've got to love them.) *shakes head* i found upperclassmen that i admired a lot, but it was never romantic...ah, but what am i to say? i write yaoi and shoujo-ai fics...
and to add to this interesting anime... *wince* Rei is a hot babe. ;_; why am i sucker for tomboyish blonds or raven-haired, feminine asians?? and crossdressers and guys that are taken....the list goes on and on...
i wish i wasn't so lazy...i'll be productive somehow this week. ^^;;;; i'll make a pmk fic! why...why...oh why didn't hijikata and okita do anything?! wtf?! *is suffering close to the feeling of frustration felt when reading Tokyo Babylon* yes, i wanted to see that, THAT badly. okee, a hug...but still...
song of the day: vanilla by gackt
(dude, you just hear the song and it sounds wrong...and it is...but he sings so well...but what he sings about, oh dear...but it still sounds so good...)
Thursday, April 1, 2004
i asked, 'can i stay with you for as long as i can?' at 07:12 p.m.
“You keep on telling me to call out to you
But aren’t you the one charming me?
When I see your picture plastered all over the walls,
I want to lick it with my tongue as if I’m kissing
you.
I wonder why I’m so scared to hold onto you
Maybe because I’m afraid that you’re a dream
And I’ll taint you with all my thoughts that aren’t so
good…
But you keep on touching me with your eyes
And I can’t just stand here without fidgeting
Before you give me-
What I want to hold.
How can you tease me and not let me have a taste?
You’re like melting ice cream,
I’m in the summer heat and you’re standing there
With all your glory,
Loving the fact that you’re torturing me.
Yeah, I shout out in the middle of the night
And then I find out that I’m having a nightmare
I’m all alone and you’re not there.
I keep on wishing that you’d make me real
With the touch of your lips,
Like sleeping beauty.
How can you tease me and not let me have a taste?
You’re like melting ice cream,
I’m in the summer heat and you’re standing there
With all your glory,
Loving the fact that you’re torturing me.
Where in heaven and hell do I find such beauty?
Where will I ever find such ecstasy
In the torturing look
That only you can give me?
I love the way you hurt me.
How can you tease me and not let me have a taste?
You’re like melting ice cream,
I’m in the summer heat and you’re standing there
With all your glory,
Loving the fact that you’re torturing me.
But someday we‘ll meet again
And all the pain you gave me,
I‘ll give equally, if not more to you.
This is the way we make love to one another,
You have to follow me.
I was the apprentice
Who became master.
But won‘t you let me melt into you
Make me real. I don‘t want to be a statue,
Kiss me with your ethereal touch.
Melt the ice sculpture
That I‘ve become
With the warmth of your love
From your body.”
-by miyamoto yui for 'melting ice sculpture'/Gravi
Thursday, April 1, 2004
i asked, 'can i stay with you for as long as i can?' at 01:42 a.m.
Thursday, April 1, 2004
i asked, 'can i stay with you for as long as i can?' at 12:18 a.m.
coming closer
ah, i love the song 'coming closer' by l'arc. it reminds me of forbidden lover for some reason. i wish i had the lyrics to pick out what it means and all that.
but for now, i shall be satisfied by the feeling it gives me. i believe it fits very well. it makes me think when people tell me 'you're always so on top of things, MA/Yui, i wish i was organized like you.' ludicrous. thank you for the compliment, but it's ludicrous. i am as desparate as anyone deep within myself.
it drives me nuts. i'm either a child or an adult. and i don't want to be in either extreme...it'll be too boring that way. my heart tells me one thing. my mind tells me another. my soul tells me something completely different from the previous two.
i wonder if i'm such a nut to think this much everyday. to want to be my best and be the sincerest that i can be.
i wonder how will i ever let all my bottled emotions out. that's why i love singing karaoke with my friends. that's the only time that i don't think or feel obliged to hold everything in.
on another note, furuba and PMK fic coming soon. susumu (though i dont' think i'll talk about him) is a BABE. I always liked ninjas and samurai. *winces* boys with sharp, glistening swords drive me nuts. always been attracted to those types of characters. that's why when i first saw cloud...okee, you don't want to know what i thought because it was too much. i was really excited 'cause he looked so COOL! then advent children. *_* *nosebleeds* i fell off my bed watching the preview.
i want...
i want...
...
i feel like kamui. i don't know my own wish. and it's funny, when adri asked me what my darkest desire was, i was unsure of that 'cause i didn't know what that meant. ^^;;;; i know things i want and need in my life, but one...one wish???
it would probably not be for myself. *smiles* *shakes head*
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
i asked, 'can i stay with you for as long as i can?' at 07:34 p.m.
heiwa - a word i learned from Gundam Wing!
i'm back from vacation. physically, i'm here, but mentally, i'm truly far away. then again, i'm just tired. things inside of me have cleared up, but i hope that i've not irritated anyone with my insecurities...especially duality...for now, i'm trying my best to get what i need to do. thank goodness tarepanda and my bro were helping me with the comp stuff. yea~, i hope i'll be able to fit in time to write more fics now that i've gotten a new compy.
i've really just have to be patient with life. i want too many things at the same time and it's driving me nuts.
today, my teacher announced in front of the whole class about my writings. so now, i've to present some poems to my class in a post-colonial literature course...it's weird 'cause i'm used to people not reading my stuff and then they know me. usually, readers and 'people i know' are two separate things...because mixing these things in the past have cause much conflict and heartache. then again, i'm still insecure about sharing myself with people. weird that i write a blog for all to see, but it's easy to hide behind my pseudonym and no one knowing what you look like. until i'm ready, then i'll take the step. (that's part of the reason i freaked out when i was meeting adri...she wasn't someone on the net anymore...i could imprint her image inside of my mind, since i was just content not to talk aloud. ^^;;; weird. *lol* i have memories with her and that's good for me.)
i made a promise to myself for lent. yeah, it's late, but it's still good. i actually said that i'd not complain or worry about big things or anything in the future. it's hard, but i've been doing well. i realize that i am a brat, but i'm a lucky one and i don't take things for granted...
song of the day: tsubasa wa pleasure line (chrno crusade OT)
'my wish is for world peace.' - asakura from da capo
i laughed, but then again, that's always my innermost wish. that the people around me (and the people they love) are 'happy' in their own ways. these people color the world for me. and i'm finally happy to be in it.
that's why i'm trying so hard to stay alive when i know it's easier, much easier to give up.
i'm immortal not because i'm a demi god. i'm human.
i want more than life or love. i want to make a difference in the world with this person i call 'myself'.
Monday, March 29, 2004
i asked, 'can i stay with you for as long as i can?' at 06:32 p.m.
if my thoughts could reach the person i cared for, i think they'd get scared of me.
i find myself unmotivated in love, too motivated in work.
"free gifts are the most expensive." - asakura from da capo
why...i wonder why i like people that are unattainable. because i'm comfortable there, aren't i? some part of me enjoys the pain. odd, yes. very much so.
being so honest with everyone...it's my greatest ally and my own worst enemy.
Sunday, March 28, 2004
i asked, 'can i stay with you for as long as i can?' at 05:32 p.m.
something i made. something i used to sing, long, long ago...
the bleeding man is rescued by the beautiful woman,
the prostitute falls for a blind man,
the woman loves her own kind.
don't you see through it all?
we have lived through these times,
you and i.
i've broken the pact.
i wasn't supposed to say i came here for you.
that my wings were clipped.
that my voice was taken away
my hair cut and i'm able to bleed.
you called to me and i came,
never wanting to leave.
never wanting to leave.
i wasn't supposed to come.
God told me,
'this is your own punishment.
you shall never have her.
can you live with that?' he sadly asked me.
i nodded, 'anything.
as long as i'm close to her'.
Sunday, March 28, 2004
i asked, 'can i stay with you for as long as i can?' at 03:14 a.m.
i my me strawberry eggs...
as the optimist, i must say that i still have a whole day (tomorrow) to get whatever i need to get done. even my mom was saying, 'you better go to bed now 'cause i know you're going to do nothing but schoolwork as soon as you get back'. --;;; bad, isn't it?
i didn't do any schoolwork and i don't feel guilty about it even though i'm slightly complaining. but i was able to see my friends and spend time with my parents, so i am very happy with this predicament. ^_^ * bright eyed * and yet, i was left hanging when tarepanda didn't explain something to me. what an interesting conversation. (you are so going to give me an explanation!!! *winces*) all in all, with all my conversations, i was able to learn and solidify a lot inside of myself. so, i'm returning to SF a little bit more childish and mature at the same time. i have to say that i believe that sexuality is something that should be expressed and when you deny it, well, i think you're scary 'cause it isn't normal if you're not. it's a part of life and nature. hence, i have to say thank you so much winnie the pooh and nikoniko for going to animegamers. ah, shounen ai manga purchases without being carded! ahahaha! and THANK YOU NIKONIKO! *wince* you couldn't have given me a better gift: you, nitta youka, love mode, and looking at yaoi manga together (especially fake no. 7)! Friends deliver! ^_____^v i hope niko and winnie come to yaoi con. since niko knows THE shiki, i can stare in silence. --;;;;
and thanks tarepanda! so much anime! so much peacemaker! so much full metal alchemist! *_* PoT!!!!!!!! evil, pissed, i'm-fucking-the-world fuji! =^_^= <---happy fangirl now, if only tezuka were there to reward him at the end of that entire episode...kirihara's...grr. yuuta's SO CUTE! whenever he's alone, he kicks ass. when he's with his sister or brother, he's always blushing from being touched. *wince* i must think of a way to pay you back for everything. ^______^ *niyaniya*
as for life in general, it kind of sucks if i explain it all, but i'm well-fed and happy. so, i'll just live with it all. ^____^
i have so much to say, but i'll burst because i have so much inside. at least it's good stuff. maybe after all the confusion, i'm doing fine after all...
on another note, i want more 'love mode'. wah, the ending's so so cute! shiki's cute and all, but i still love reiji and naoya. that's one hot couple. naoya's so adorable and reiji's...just being sexy, business reiji. i wish i could find 'casino lily'. that's got to be my fav. youka nitta manga.
fanfic-wise, i've worked all week on fumetsu. still being corrected by my beta reader 'cause it's freakin' long for a one-shoter. ^^;;; not too long, but long for me especially to spend so much time on it everyday this week. it's strange, but i like it. i hope winnie the pooh enjoyed it...i think subaru, seishirou, and kamui deserve a happy ending...
i watched tb and x (ep 16) after not watching any of it since august 12th, last year. that's great for me. that's an ACHIEVEMENT in my dept. but i fell apart when i watched 'vision' the music video. i guess i love subaru so much because i see myself through him. i've always been that scared of myself, the future, and falling in love. these are normal things, but i always thought falling in love meant that you ruined your life in some way. it's too long to explain here why i think that, but all in all, i thought that people chose to fall apart when they fell in love. so, i've always been against going with someone. even though i love someone, i fear rejection, but fear changing into someone i don't know even more. i want a lot from life...subaru...so optimistic. when i saw him smile at the end of vision, i cried all over again. i always cry at that part because his eyes and his smile always tell me something different each time i watch the video. i feel like i'm looking at myself reflected in someone else's eyes. weird, ne? and x 16 kept me bawling. seishirou and subaru...*shakes head* damn them for being the way they are...god, i love them so much. for people who don't understand what it means to sacrifice in all parts of your life, it's hard to explain when self-denial is a part of life. how do i tell about myself without telling them too much. impossible. my loneliness, sincerity, honesty, weaknesses, genkiness, and passion are all a part of me. this is how i define myself. i may be childish, but i refuse to 'grow up' as someone close-minded and selling myself out. i like the way i live my life and if in the end, no one will accept that, then so be it.
no one ever came to talk to me 'cause of small talk. that's something i'm proud of. how can you ask people to be honest and trusting to you if you aren't to them? how can you expect to love them if you don't like yourself? how can you want to achieve something without working for it? equal exchange is the way of the world. that's why i love full metal alchemist. it's something i believe in. most of all, subaru...is subaru. maybe he wasn't meant to live in the world he lived in, being the way he was. and if that's the way it is, screw it. the world wasn't ready to have someone like him. i want to hold onto to this person that i've grown into. the one that doesn't see social barriers and that people in turn accept me without them also. i push into people's emotional barriers, yes, i know it's pushy, but it's just my way of saying i want to love them. i want fall in love with them. not 'love' romantically, but one that's pure and whole. *smirks at duality* if i can love _her_ (aka the devil, bitch goddess), i can suffer and persevere through a lot of things. (but sometimes, i think i'm not worthy to be niko's, duality's, winnie's, sweetie's, tarepanda's, ming ling's, etc. friend because i'm a nut. ^^;;; i came back to la and thought, 'what did i ever do to these people that i love them so much and that they show me they love me too?' but i shouldn't question such a thing...it just is.)
song of the day: ready steady go - l'arc en ciel
Saturday, March 27, 2004
i asked, 'can i stay with you for as long as i can?' at 12:18 a.m.