Watched more PoT and took these...as opposites! What I _wouldn't_ do! Thanksgiving! little time. a moment of melancholic inspiration preview of the next HnG fic
Okay so I'm guessing your self image is a little
bit bigger than your actual
skill, but that's
okay your school has a nice gym! Also you'll
have to surive the
constant dane of
Yanagisawa...er good luck!
Which Prince of Tennis team do you belong
on?
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Thought so. I fear Akito from FruBa, but I respect him. Mizuki's just a bastard that I can't
like even if he is pretty. His beauty just makes him even uglier to me.
You're Fuji!
(Prince of Tennis) Which Seigaku Regular are you?
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I KNEW I'd get him! * wince, wince * * winks at Duality * Hey goddess, this is your equivalent. ^_~
Thursday, November 27, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
05:40 p.m.
I have much to say, but I'll save that for another day. ^_^ Today, I will just focus on more of the good stuff (okee, that rules out 70 percent 'cause that equates to Duality, Adri, friends, family).
Maybe I will always be an optimist 'cause all I want to do is become better than what I think I can do. No matter how hard it is, I don't care if it's painful anymore. I don't feel alone.
I'm bitter for a few things, but I can't let that cloud my judgment. I know things bug people, but I'll always be annoyed at people who don't know how to go past being needy rather than giving. Both of these actions are empty unless you mean it and if you're willing to be happy and hurt by it.
Only been in LA for a few hours and I know that I have changed. I won't take crap anymore. Yosh!
Yea~! Mile stone for me! ^________^v Duality's training has paid off. I am writing more and I am very satisfied with my life right now. (But why can't ever fall for a guy who's attainable, though??? * wince * * winces more *)
Ah, I am happy to be alive. Happy to have a family and friends who love me for being me and that God always watches over me whenever I need that extra push. Things aren't too easy, but nothing's ever impossible. I know I have my limits...but I choose to ignore them.
Ah, I want that Akira cd and translate it! it's a beautiful song!
Thursday, November 27, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
01:37 a.m.
Ah, I finally was able to write here. And I'm glad I got my Seishirou fic almost done. One more chapter to go. Dunno what to do about it. Can't really discuss what I'm thinking about anything right now. Everything's so mixed up and it'll end up one long, giant story that I think would be boring. ^^;;; Not to mention that it isn't all that great. Interpret that all ya want.
I keep on watch HnG ep 63. It inspires me to write that fic (which has a second chapter already but haven't put it on the web) but I don't know where I want it to go. I know where I want it to end. I know how many parts it's supposed to be. I don't know if I can pull off the twist or contort it in a big way. @_@ Am I losing my touch?!
ACK! Probably people think I like the holidays...I used to. But it's stressin' me out for many reasons and one of them is that it reminds me that my birthday is coming up. ^^;;;;;;;;;;;;;; I don't like getting older, but I love the way that Duality and I look at each other and shake our heads saying, "We look like kids."
WAH. I want the Best of HnG cd.
song of the day: Sincerely~ever dream~ by dream
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
10:50 a.m.
if only i could reach
deep within.
if only i could feel
the outside
without pricking my finger.
why do i keep on following
the path
that is denied to me?
we move and move,
but it's all in circles.
i wonder when the cycle will ever stop
but it seems
i always start it all over again.
i want to break free,
but the invisible chains
caress me even tighter.
i am a begger,
give me food.
give me a red, red
bleeding heart.
i want to eat it
like a poisonous apple.
let me become one with you.
make me disappear.
i don't want to be here anymore.
how can i become stronger
when you make me so weak?
if i keep on fighting
with myself,
then tell me the path...
...of how will i ever win?
how will i ever win you?
Friday, November 21, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
01:21 a.m.
Tap.
"Stop playing that."
It was a harsh voice. A hurt one that was incomprehensible to Akira.
A grave one that sounded unlike the Hikaru he knew.
Why had Hikaru suddenly got defensive? He looked up at him as he placed a white Go chip on the board.
Hikaru's hands became tight fists.
Akira gently smiled at him, still a bit oblivious to Hikaru's defensive stance. Looking at the board, he reflected upon the game with a grin still on his face. "But this was when I knew I had to chase after you."
"Promise me you'll never play that game again."
There was a hint of desparation in Hikaru's voice.
It seemed like an eternity, but there Hikaru stood in a chaotic silence.
He thought to himself, "It was Sai...as much as I loved Sai for guiding me and was my best friend when I needed him, I was still jealous. The reoccurring question remained. Did Akira really see me or was I just a reflection of Sai to him? Was that why he was so interested in me in the first place?
We always fought...so what did he see in me? What can I offer him that is totally of myself?
Go?
Even that was Sai's...
Can I go past that sight in your mind, Akira?"
It was then that Akira turned his head with concerned eyes towards Hikaru. "Hikaru, what is wrong with you?"
At that, Hikaru took the Go chips and grabbed them into his hands. He closed his eyes as his cheeks turned red in frustration, but he was too proud to cry.
"Stop playing..." He then turned to Akira. "Stop looking for Sai inside of me."
Hikaru shouted into his face. "He isn't here anymore!"
"Hikaru?" Akira slowly began to stand up.
Hikaru let go of the chips and he ran out of the room. For a moment, Akira looked at the chips, but there was no way he'd let him get away from him.
"I'll chase after you wherever you go," he thought to himself quietly. "Whether it's on the Go board or not..."
Again, he was chasing Hikaru all over again.
"Hikaru!"
Friday, November 21, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
12:36 a.m.
Take the Spirit Quiz and visit Castle Diqueria.
Thursday, November 20, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
10:22 a.m.
akira, akira, akira...ah, if I could only have Hikaru chanting this name over and over...
wai~! akira's birthday is next to mine! v^_^v No wonder I thought he was a Sag type!
My ESP's been on a high 101 percent accuracy here in SF...strange.
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
10:34 p.m.
if i were any stronger, i'd kill myself.
I thought this week would be a bit better. Despite the fact that I feel 96 percent up to everything (I still have a lingering headache...so off...so OFF dammit...), I have no sanctuary. Right now, I have temporarily taken a job to correct a 100-page thesis statement in less than one week. Five days to be exact. ;_; money for a new computer!
I have gotten off my lazy ass and started on my term paper again. I know that once I am focused, I will be able to do this with no problem. I don't know why I get overwhelmed by all the info and refuse to do it quicker. And today has just been filled with nothing but 'do this' and 'do that'. @_@
Currently, I am oogling over HnG and PoT doujinshi. I must really fall for things that are out of my reach because the dj artists I love are all so expensive. Probably the most well-known and most expensive for that particular dj fandom. * wince, wince * Ah, what I'd give for Itsuki Sakura doujinshi for HnG. It really is pretty.
My latest projects are a HnG multi-chap (surprise, surprise *sarcastic tone*) which will actually be a range of things. I had wanted to make this a pretty light piece, but I think I'll aim for a good emotional range from laughter to sad because the next multichap will be very depressing. ^^;;;;; There are MANY, MANY one-shoters to come! From Sai to Ogata-sensei. As for Prince of Tennis, unless I see the rest of those episodes, this will have to be on hiatus. *thinks 'no!!! no darling tezuka?!?! that's like asking me to live without knowing what sumeragi subaru is!!!!!"* I have also been looking for my chobits notes. I hope to finally start on forever yours or at least do a one shoter. Gouhou Drug...interesting that there was someone talking about these fics on the cffml. I read my fic for it again ('cause someone ;_; was so nice to recommend it). As much as I was terrible with proofreading, I couldn't believe I had written that piece. I looked at the screen and blinked my eyes. I can't believe I wrote that. It was so complicated~! * wince, wince * I really must get my hands on my third manga from Niko now if I'm ever to continue writing for this series...
Last but not least, it is dear Seishirou's birthday on Saturday. I was bad last year and didn't make the deadline so I started early this year! =^_^= <---proud genki ball It will be five very distinct parts. It's like all one shoters in one fic. It's only five parts, but it's gonna be a medium-sized fic in my opinion. Writing this fic and reading 'Killing me softly' * hee * really puts it in front of my face how far I had come in two years. ;_; Though I am still not good with detail, I think I have come to characterize much better now. Different from other fics, this one is very odd. It will make sense in the end. My only problem with this fic is: "How can I portray Subaru and Seishirou in a different light???"
When you've done a set of characters for quite a while, the perspectives and situations may change, but you've got to work with changing the way the are, yet retain their essence. It is a complicated thing, and something I am either successful or unsuccessful with. In all honesty, Seishirou is still one of the hardest characters for me to write. No matter how many nice people tell me he's in character, it is very difficult to get into Seishirou's head and still keep him mysterious. You can't explain too much, nor can you explain too much. He either loves Subaru or he doesn't. He has more than two faces and does he get lost? My Seishirou does. He's human and inhuman at the same time. The only way I can get into his head is if I am the opposite of myself...or sometimes, what are my darkest desires that I wouldn't dare carry out? Either way, Seishirou's thirst for blood is my own fascination with it.
song of the day: Kobayashi Sanae's 'Kira' [remix] (Touya Akira Character Song)
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
10:59 p.m.
i finished HnG!
Still sick and it's raining here in friendly San Francisco~!
Will comment later on HnG, but it's DEFINITELY on one of my tops list. I think it ranks equal to Macross right now. Ah, so beautiful and inspirational...and so many plot bunnies~! Expect a couple of fics from me REALLY SOON. Especially oh the last episode! Ah, I have to say it: "YOU KNOW IT'S LOVE~!" * winces * They're such a KAWAII~ COUPLE~! Ooh...they're actually balanced. ^______^ Ah, expect a multi-chapt for Akira x Hikaru~! =^^= I also love Ogata-sensei. Business suit and evil. Ah, all is right in the world. The slump I've been on about life and writing has been removed even if I am still sick!
Friday, November 14, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
01:44 p.m.
Temporary Hiatus...
I will be doing my term paper, watching the rest of HnG (I'm on ep 53...), making a long fic, and such. That'd be all cool if it weren't for the fact that I feel really, really sick right now. ^^;;;;;;
Thursday, November 13, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
05:26 p.m.
Niko~!
*ROFL* Ah, I saw your away message and I just couldn't help but post it~! :D
"animals that bite:
1. little hamu-chans
Comment: I've seen a disturbing sticker with hamu's eatin' one another...*wince*
2. pikachu slippers
Comment: *lol* I can't believe you're scared of your own kind, Duality. Hee. Hee. Hee.
3. GLOOMY the bear
Comment:Only when it's not pink am I okay...^^;;;;;;;;; I like the baby one.
4. guu
Comment: Nande sore?
5. saizou the piggy
Comment: AH! The kawaii aim icon on TarePanda's message box!
6. azumanga cat
Comment: But they're so cute. * wince, wince * Especially the yama one. ^^;;; Bears much resemblance to Ming-Ling though. ^^v
7. hungry niko ^^
Comment: -- I don't know what to say. I've been a teased and scared-out-of-her-wits victim multiple times. *BIG SWEATDROP*
Thursday, November 13, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
12:44 a.m.
i think i took this quiz, but i love the questions.
Nerdslut
What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla
Now you wonder why I _love_ business men?
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
10:45 p.m.
matrix...
You are Trinity, from "The Matrix."
Strong, beautiful- you epitomize the ultimate
heroine.
What Matrix Persona Are You?
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Wednesday, November 12, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
10:32 p.m.
should be studying for a midterm...
...instead I, for the first time in my life, turned instead to procrastinate on the day before the test. (Dammit, I studied the five-six days!) I watched Hikaru and Akira~! I have adopted a new motto for life (an add'l one at least):
"I am a realist living in the dreamworld. Who the f--k says I can't have everything?!~
(IOW...Just because things tell me something's impossible doesn't mean that the laws of nature apply to me. I am me, dammit, and that's just the way things are!)"
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
08:46 p.m.
WAI~!
HIKARU NO GO~! * wince, wince * I love you, Jamie-san~! I always feel so special whenever someone gives me something from the bottom of their heart. And I am glad you were persistent enough to mention this so many times on your blog Adri that I kind of picked up the hint to watch this again. Ah, it is so inspiring~! It's like Angelic Layer, but even better~! When Hikaru said even it was impossible to reach Touya, he was still going to try. ;_; Truly moved me, man~! (My SoCal dialect's kickin' in all over again. 'called this classmate 'dude' and he was all, 'hi dudette!') Ah, I am so happy it came at this part of my life and that I can appreciate it so much. I've finally figured out my goals for the next 2 years. Stubborn, but sure. It also made me think that I will kick the asses of those retards (--;; why am I so nice to name them like this instead of other words) I dislike. ^^;;; Yosh~!
Wonderful Akira and great Hikaru. To tell you the truth, I didn't see them (until now) as a couple, but now I'm beginning to. And it just makes the story more awesome. (I've been brainwashed to think everything's yaoi. Hey, SF has cute couples. ^____^ And I'm a people watcher~! ^_~ Okee, more for the straight ones...anyways...)
(Btw, sweetie, expect HnG doujinshi for your birthday next year. ^^;;)
Oh yeah, my bro's such a nerd. * wince, wince * And because I want to understand computer lingo, I think I'll start re-learning stuff...^^;;;;; (Don't you even start teasing me about this, Duality. And if there's any question you want to ask, it's a definite yes on why I'm taking this up.)
Song of the day: (still) Get Over by Dream
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
02:48 p.m.
ramblings.
I continue to live every day. And every day, I live and with every day, I die also.
It isn't about time, my health, or things that can easily be taken off like sand running through your hand. I find myself still struggling each day, wondering if I would ever get to a person who can accept herself.
I learn so many things by just watching people. And I learn more when I try to do it myself. However, I wonder if it is enough. Pushing myself to the limit, I hope that I can become more passionate about what I do and whom/what I love. Even if it should consume me with my obssession, even if it isn't healthy, I want to persist.
And I wonder if I'm fighting my past and those people and my old self. I thought the person who didn't say anything was the strong one. The one who never showed weakness was the strongest, only to find that it was quite the opposite. I am fighting them with every fiber of my being. I am still fighting them and it hasn't gone to peace. It makes me wonder why should I worry about what they say about me, which I wouldn't care if it didn't affect anyone but myself. But that is impossible. It will all end up as lies...it is a complicated matter. Until now, I have found no solution. Except to do what I usually do, runaway to figure out another strategy and then attack much harder than the last time.
I try to explain myself clearly, but it isn't as well as I had hoped. Whenever I talk, I feel impaired. I don't know if it's because I am so used to someone not listening to me or am I just that way. Maybe it is an accumulation of many things with those reasons being the main ones. But it is just as hard to listen to someone who won't admit they are wrong. I am as stubborn and yet conceding...yes, I am guilty of always deferring myself. It isn't out of female speech patterns (as said generally through sociolinguistics), but my self-perception. My feelings get across, but I wonder if I will ever be able to say something clearly. It is hard for me to and it is frustrating. Even as I type this, I find myself crying because I don't know if I make sense, but it makes sense to me (but I am writing it...).
I am afraid of making a grave mistake and I won't be able to recover from it. (But I am happy to have this choice, though, because it wasn't taken away from me.) And these days, I've become less aggressive with speech.
The way I am...it scares me sometimes. Obsessive love to the point I can't breathe, so intense that I wouldn't mind breaking anymore. It's driving me crazy how Tezuka reminds me of someone. (I thought i had the answer, but I didn't.) I keep on looking at a certain picture and I can't seem to focus because my thoughts linger to those eyes. The eyes are intense. But who did they belong to? I search and search to find no answer. It is honestly driving me insane. (And so, I write a fic about Tezuka and Fuji in which homosexuality _is_ the problem they're facing.)
I wonder when I'll be at peace. In my silence and through all the genkiness, there's still that part of me that lingers deep within.
Someone who is poisoned within the heart. And the infirmity only grows with each passing day.
My bro loved my away message today. I didn't know why I wrote it because I didn't feel too horrible today: "Welcome to the wonderful world of...of...ah, screw it."
But even with all this, I still believe. Something better will come. How about if it never comes? Most of me doesn't care as long as I had fun.
As long as I was able to make many more smiles as the tears I cried and will.
song of the day: Get over by Dream
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
01:37 a.m.
kikoeru ka again...
read kikoeru ka again. So many things I put, but they fit right in...Ah, I will always love this pairing.
"I wanted this person to know the part of me that I was afraid of. The one that was shunned from the eyes of the world.
I closed my eyes. Could he listen to me the whole way through?
Would he be scared of me if he knew all that I carried inside of me? The insults...abuse...self-destruction...
Could he see me dirtied when I tried so hard to cover all that I hated about myself?"
Monday, November 10, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
11:59 p.m.
Yahoo~!
which member of nittle grasper are you? click here!
Monday, November 10, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
09:49 p.m.
dunno who wrote this, but my bro found it. ^_^
arkOniTenShi: ..i'm kinda lost in my own thoughts of you...My heart speaks before my mind thinks through and i blush as i say yes...What a feeling of vulnerability coming over me and i'm feeling weak and i cant speak, i cant think, never thought i'd give in so willingly to a human being....your lips, your eyes, your smile, your kiss i must admit its a part of me, filling me...people ask why i'm in love with you....unconditionally you're there for me..undeniably you inspire me, spiritually, so sweet....this is meaningful, its incredible, pleasurable, unforgettable...It's so amazing how something so sweet has come and rearranged my life..your so real, so honest, so loving me for me....
Sunday, November 9, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
09:31 p.m.
a poem by me - subete/everything.
Why is life is so short
that when we begin to live,
we are slowly dying?
We do not choose to live here
and yet we do,
whether or not we want to.
I wonder why I feel so far away
when I'm next to you.
I've loved you before
I was reborn.
You've forgotten me already
But I remember you well.
You turned away from me
when I tried to kiss you,
thinking your body was enough.
No.
I'm selfish. I want everything.
I want your soul.
Eating away your bones and your air.
Saturday, November 8, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
05:48 p.m.
centre of my heart by Roxette (lately sung by Tezuka to Fuji in a fic! XD)
What am I gonna do when I get a little excited,
a little in pain? Tell me
What am I gonna say when I find the centre of my heart
is a suburb to the brain?
You wear them so well, those innocent eyes
You're puttin' on a wonderful disguise
I want you so bad. I'm pushing my luck
It feels like being hit by a truck
This is no place special. Don't know why I came
If someone has a minute, won't you explain
What am I gonna do when I get a little excited,
a little in pain? Tell me
What am I gonna say when I find the centre of my heart
is a suburb to the brain?
Singing
na nana nana na
na nana nana na
Being with you, dealing with fire
Oh won't you come around (come out)
come out (today) and play
(I want you so bad)
Answer my calls
Let's spend the night within these walls
This is no place special.
Nothing for the sane (Nothing for the sane)
If someone's got minute, do please explain
What am I gonna do when I get a little excited,
a little in pain? Tell me
What am I gonna say when I find the centre of my heart
is a suburb to the brain?
Singing
na nana nana na
na nana nana na
What am I gonna do when I get a little excited,
a little in pain? Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me
What am I gonna do when I get a little excited,
a little in pain? Tell me
What am I gonna say when I find the centre of my heart
is a suburb to the brain?
Singing
na nana nana na
na nana nana na
What am I gonna to do
What am I gonna do when I get a little excited,
a little in pain?
The centre of my heart
Yeah, yeah, yeah
What am I gonna say when I find the centre of my heart
is a suburb to the brain?
What am I gonna do now?
What am I gonna say when I find the centre of my heart
is a suburb to the brain?
Saturday, November 8, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
05:44 p.m.
I want. I want for Christmas. Damn, anytime's good too.
The MA has totally gone Tezuka shopping. ^^;;; I have probably found every title of Houjou Akira on the net. ^^;;;;;;;;;;; I have seen every Prince of Tennis plushie. ;_; It took a lot of self-control not to buy for the damned couple of TxF. But the cutest ones are Ryoma the Panda, Fuji, and Tezuka the Bear! * wince, wince * Chibi-fied with an animal suit?!?! Tezuka chibi-fied and as a bear?! A BEAR?! WAI~! For those of you who don't know how much Yui loves Teddy Bears, you must know that she has about 13 (in which she had to restrain herself from getting more). Oh yes, it's 14! * bonks her head * I have Pourquoi! (A weird bear with a used car salesman tie and a quirky personality. He was won through Duality's awesome skills at the Knock Down game in Circus Circus, LV.)
Anyway, this is definitely a good combination. ^________^ I wish there were full-body posters of Subaru (closest is a really, REALLY big face shot of the 92 calendar cover on a wall scroll) or animal plushies of Subaru. (Then again, that'd be as hard to buy/sell as the regular 1996 X movie Sega plushies!!! Weren't they cute, Adri?!)
-- ;_; * sniff, sniff * I finally figured out who Tezuka reminded me of...because I had a dream about him... * sighs * * goes off to a corner to distract herself with homework * * researches more on PoT *
On a happy note, thanks for your message Duality and yours Adri. ^___________^ And thanks to melfina-san for HnG! I can't wait to get it! I'll prolly watch it even though I have a midterm. ^^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
(Btw, thanks, Yumei-chan! Fuji seme's a cute concept, but the tables will turn soon. I've found a way to make it way convulted than it should be. But isn't that always the way? 'mitsu pinned to the locker was great and he wasn't even kissed! Having Syusuke just blow air into his mouth. * smiles * I wish I could be that evil. (But I can't 'cause I'm so Subaru. ^^;;;;; Certain people * clears throat * have taken advantage of this fact.) ^_______^ <----Fuji after the 'incident')
Thursday, November 6, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
11:19 p.m.
>< I took this from yumei-chan!
You want to SPANK the ass of Kurama! He's nice
enough to let you get away with it, but he
probably won't make it EASY on you.
You'd get DRUNK, stalk, corner in a dark alley, and SPANK the ass of which bishounen?!
brought to you by Quizilla
Wednesday, November 5, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
10:29 p.m.
My brother sent this to me. ^_^
I can feel you waiting for me as the sun retreats to the hills and I, beneath the blanket of a burning sky, wrap myself within. Embraced by dead leaves as the rain leaves trails of black down my face, I creep through the twilight to that hidden place beyond the lonely.
I'll meet you tonight in the whispers when no one's around. Nothing can stop us now. Tonight in the whispers where we won't be found. I can feel you dreaming of me and the time when our steps are retraced and I creep through the twilight to that hidden place, beyond the lonely, I'll meet you. Beneath a dream, lost in a dream tonight. Smile.
Wednesday, November 5, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
09:20 p.m.
I am a pathetic individual...
Out of chance, the rain pours and I remember many many things. * sighs * Because of that...I got even more depressing stuff to help me by...
I am now the new owner of the 'Bishounen no Koi' manga by Sakura Kido and my favorite Tennis no Oujisama dj 'crown of sand' by my fav. PoT dj artist. -- * after purchasing * ^_____^ Ah, that made me feel better. ;_; Tezuka...damn, who does he remind me of??? (Adrien???? I'm a confused little genki ball.)
Here's a bit from the new PoT fic I made...
"When a person learns to melt and feel everything again, they're the ones who fear losing the most. They know what it is like to live life without something important. When the time it actually comes, they cling onto that something important and suffocate it.
Loving it so much that they forget about letting that thing or person breathe. Killing each person gradually with this overwhelming emotion.
I had walked for such a long time that I felt empty, as if all the things I had ever felt had left me the further I walked. I then found myself standing before a railing. Beyond that railing was the ocean.
I looked down at the water and being the resolute person I was, I smiled up at the gray sky above me.
As it began to sprinkle, I wore no expression of my face.
I was back to my 'true self'.
That's who I was anyway, before you met me Syusuke: The Ice Cube.
For the first time, I honestly told myself, "But I don't want to be that anymore. I won't let myself."
Taking a hold of the railing with my right hand, I jumped over it and fell into the ocean.
Splash.
Submerging into the water, I closed my eyes as my glasses faded away and I felt myself being carried away with bitterness within my heart."
This is actually from a dream I had many years ago. About someone who only existed within my dreams.
Wednesday, November 5, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
08:38 p.m.
at long last, my comp's working!
Short update: It's cold and it's raining and I'm feeling warm here. Something's wrong. Genki balls generate their own energy? Maybe.
I now know that whomever I marry better know about comps (well, my trend are CS majors/enginners so it shouldn't be too hard...famous last words) because I don't know anything no matter how hard I try. * winces * I used to be much better. --;;;
My computer is working, but now there are other problems: can't listen to music, the pixelation won't change, and now I can't open zip files. Unless I figure this out, I'll be unable to download anything. * sighs * Well, whatever, nothing can bring me down 'cause it's just a process. * is always an optimist *
song of the day: heart of sword by tm revolution
Wednesday, November 5, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
01:45 p.m.
^_^ Sousuke or Tezuka...hmm...
You're Tezuka!
(Prince of Tennis) Which Seigaku Regular are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
I swear I didn’t cheat! * wince, wince *
Your whole life someone has always been cheering
you on. Tennis is cool, and you are actually
pretty nifty (if not downright quirky) Win with
pride, or lose with honor it doesn't matter
because tennis is life and life is sweet. (Just
don't drink the juice...)
Which Prince of Tennis team do you belong on?
brought to you by Quizilla
Oh, btw, expect a Tezuka fic REALLY soon...
* sighs * Since I don't have enough episodes, I'm actually researching online! * big shock * And so, Kunimitsu means 'national glory'. * winks * Ah, Tezuka, you sure are~!
know I get infatuated easily, but it's harder for me to fall for someone. * winces * Ah, this makes it Subaru, Seishirou, Shion, Ryuichi, Yuki of FB, Tezuka, Ginji, Izumi, and Heero now does it? (Please notice they either don't talk or they're genki balls. I'm such a nut.) For girls, I _still_ think Tenoh Haruka's hot. Can't find any femme fatale to replace her in my mind, oh for about...8 years now?
Oh, and thank you to that kind soul who is burning HnG for me! I can't thank you enough! Akira~!
I have decided to collect for Tezuka. (Can't believe he has the same rank as Subaru in my mind. ._.) * in search of pencil boards *
Tuesday, November 4, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
09:25 a.m.
quick
Have many things to write, but I have class in five minutes. Don't know what to do about my computer and I am so taken back by Tezuka. It really does bug me that he reminds me of someone. I keep on thinking Seishirou, but that's not it either. Then, I thought it may be Adrien. Maybe...
Adrien was weird fellow though. Didn't talk much and he scared people by just looking at them. Ah, but I loved him anyway. But he didn't have glasses.
WAH~! I need more Prince of Tennis! I don't even know their first names (Fuji and Tezuka) to write a fic and I have actually _typed_ out on a disk!
When I come back for Christmas, my brother better have saved a lot of money to get me anime to watch for a couple of weeks. ^_________^ I can't wait to go home. Though, when I do, I'm a year older. I'm kind of weary about the comments about how I look like when I get back. ^^;;;;;;;;;;;; And that my mother doesn't freak out when she sees that I've gotten my ears pierced...maybe one more to make three. ^^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
And sweetie, what do you mean that answer was so me?? I've been thinking about that. If you can't have it, you fantasize. * blink, blink * Damn reoccuring dream though. You're distracted by 'other stuff' rather than getting yourself free. ;_; I'm so weak~! (I wish I were a stronger person and didn't suddenly get all lazy.)
Monday, November 3, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
03:57 p.m.
j'ecrit une poeme - from the ultimate passion : masochistic beauty
Nuriko:
"Pink apple
I want to give that to you.
They don't exist,
But this is who you are to me.
No matter what I'll do,
You'll never let me get through.
You'll let yourself rot away
Not wanting me to save you."
Touma-
"Feathers...
light as snow,
but in ancient times
determined the weight of your soul.
I sold it to get to you,
And yet you don't understand.
I'm right in front of you,
And yet you still question me.
This is feather love,
My bleeding heart
I present to you
For you to judge."
Ryuichi:
"Like the red, red rose
Petals falling to the ground in pieces
drops of my blood
staining the cold pavement.
I will never be complete...
Never be satisfied...
To strive for the ultimate passion,
Even if it kills me...
Aoi
Usagi
Ningyo
You are all.
I am none.
I love you
Even if to you,
It's nonexistent."
Friday, October 31, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
03:36 p.m.
Hikaru~! AKIRA~!
Ah, wonderful wonderful friends. I finally have time to watch anime! YEA~! Get Backers is so Tokyo Babylon-ish that I’m oozing with fangirl impulses and love the format of everything. Full Metal Panic…Heero look-alike with Seki Tomokazu’s voice-need I say more???? (--; God, I’m awful. Anything that reminds me of Shion/Adrien or Heero turns me to mush.) I had loved HnG since I first saw one episode, but was unable to watch it.
* blinks * * does a double-take * Akira…obsessive…very obsessive pretty boy… ;_; He’s so adorable! (-_- I am such a sucker for cute faces and stalker tendencies. If I was born a man, maybe I’d have an easier time finding someone because I’d be bi… * LOL *)
--
It's been such a long time that I've felt so captivated to the point that I cannot say anything at all. I want to shout out to the world, but it is just a whisper.
I have been watching Hikaru no Go and it's absolutely amazing. Truly truly addicting. It is as inspiration as Angelic Layer. I have not found a title that has gotten me this worked up in a very long time.
It's different when you watch something that's interesting versus something that has captured your heart. I literally stopped breathing because I was taken aback. It is more than beauty. It is passion.
It reminds me of Gravitation, which I love through and through. It reminds me of Ryuichi, who is so obsessed over what he loves to do that he's so immersed in it. He 'changes' and yet he still himself. It's just that he's so in love with singing that he's as blind as if he was in love with a single person. (Whom I think is Tatsuha! Hee!)
Hikaru no Go has that drive that has been one of the main reasons I've lost interest with watching the latest anime. Sure, there's bishounen or the cute fan service, but I always try for plot, even if it's not the most aesthetic of character designs. Ah...this is so refreshing. * smiles * I have had no new songs to learn these days and I miss challenging my own singing. I hadn't found an anime for a long time that I can't live without watching. (I have to live with that right now 'cause I only have six episodes. ;_; Wah... ;_;)
Truly awesome.
I was brought to tears, though, when I saw Touya and all those murmurs that the Go Club was saying behind his back. It made me remember all the wonderful things people used to call me at school. (I won't even go * shakes head * to how great my elders were who asked if I was an adopted child of my birth parents.) There were some nice people, but I will never forget being used to get someone else's friendship. Nor will I ever forget being called 'show off' when I never sucked up to my teachers or because _they_ were too lazy to do their damn homework. The girls who wanted to beat me up because they were jealous about me getting top rank in class. Or that damned thing that was called a male...because of him I saw myself as thing for many years. And it's funny that I should hate him and be mad at him the most, but I'm not.
These things which I wanted to forget always come back to haunt me. And I used to be like that. I wouldn't cry in front of anybody even though they were saying these things right in front of me because I didn't want them to win or let them know that they had hurt me at all. Or some of my relatives who told other relatives I was 'different' because all I cared about was school and not the important things in life such as finding a rich boyfriend or losing weight so that I'd be able to find a significant other.
Yes, I remember it very well. And trying to erase all these things has been truly hard. Fatigue, not eating, convincing yourself that all the horrible things people said were true and you were starting to say those things to yourself too, overdosing on pills, wanting to drown, cutting yourself, almost hanging yourself...I'm ashamed of these things that make me weak. But because of going to the bottom and getting through the lies, I was able to appreciate and understand life more.
Nothing is true or real. Only what you believe in. That's why I don't want to regret anything.
I thank you to those awesome people who told me all those things because they were tests to let me see the truth now. And then I met the truly caring, sincere people. I hope that I won't change in that respect.
I never want to give up.
I must reassess who I am for I feel that I've lost something very important. I shouldn't fear of loving something too much anymore, but if I love it too little. Even if it will suffocate me, I want to prove to myself that I proud of the way I live my life.
It's still hard for me because of many circumstances, but I feel like things are actually making sense now.
Life is unfair...but I must use that to my advantage. There is nothing that will get in the way of what I want and whom. NOTHING. (Unless it is really not meant for me.)
Song of the day: Bronze End Chapter by Takehito Koyasu
It never fails. Whenever I hear Zetsuai's Bronze End Chapter, I turn to mush.
It is, after all, the song that got me to buy Japanese imports. Pushing that aside, all I can say is that I am always attracted to the song. It's as if something is pulling me somewhere that I don't know.
Or rather, somewhere where I don't want to be. It is a lonely place and I feel that it is nothing but darkness.
A deep despair without a name.
I find myself longing for someone and something that cannot be. My heart literally aches every time I hear this song even though I should be used to it after all these years. It's going to be three starting next March.
I don't want to let go because I feel that I'm losing something.
I am afraid that there's something I haven't felt yet.
Thursday, October 30, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
12:51 p.m.
oh joyous day!
The release of Final Fantasy 11! Finally! ^_______^v
(* sighs * But I'm praying for SoCal with all the fires...;_;)
Thursday, October 30, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
01:35 a.m.
things are progressing...
well, as much television is fun, I love to go out. Unfortunately, there's nothing in my area to go out and explore. I've gone to all the places I could by foot and I'm a little bored. I've resorted to borrowing books from the library. (Yes, Niko, I've done all my homework and doing 'extra reading'. ^^;;;;;;)
Dude, I even fit watching Full Metal Panic in my list of things to do. It _is_ great though. I'm only bored not being able to go out and use the internet, but it's great to be able to do other stuff too.
Right now, I am working on a Love Mode fic and I hope it will work out fine. I can't seem to pick between Izumi (no.1 uke) and Naoya since I want to do both of them in a fic. And, I've been working on a Seishirou birthday fic which I hope will be done by next month. A multi-chap with interesting characters (I hope these originals will come out well).
I have found my notes for Chobits so I'll be able to start on that again. Finally!
As of the moment, I'm quite perplexed by the alternating cold and hot weather. Well, as long as it's bright, cloudy or not, I don't really mind anything.
I've been thinking about a lot of stuff and I think I have to redo my list of goals. There must be some way to practice Japanese. I want to do my Ph.D in Japanese literature and so I'm trying to be proficient, at least in reading since I can't practice it verbally/orally. Well, knowing me, I know that I will find a way. There's more than one way to capture a bishie-er, I mean-get to my goal. *lol* ^_~ Obstacles are just barriers, but when I want something, I want truly want it. Badly.
song of the day: Ice Blue Eyes by Tomo Sakurai
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
I don't care where the hell you are, I want you. Here and Now.
10:40 a.m.