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Monday, March 5, 2001 02:05 a.m.

i got some really bad news a few hours ago. a friend of mine, lucian, was found dead on saturday. i don't know much about what happened yet, but i think it's safe to assume it was drug related. lucian and i have known eachother since we were little kids. our parents were even in lamaze class together. we'd gone to separate schools, but always remained friends. after i graduated high school and took a semester at a junior college in santa rosa, we moved to seattle together in '98 and lived there for a year and a half.

in the summer before he moved away from seattle and back to california, he got heavily into drugs. he had a good support system of new asshole friends who didn't give a shit about him too. lucian kept his drug use a secret from me and our other roommate probably because he was embarrassed and because he didn't think we would think heroin was as cool as his other friends did. it was an easy thing to keep a secret because he was barely ever at the house and when he was, he was there to sleep, and sleep for amazingly long hours only to awake and leave again. the behavior was dismissed by me as him being an asshole and inconsiderate. in the last few weeks of us living in the house together, when we were both set to move (me to l.a., him to mill valley) he told me about his new girlfriend who he wouldn't introduce to me or our other roommate byron. when he would come over with her for a minute to get something, she would always wait in the car and never once brought her inside. i asked to meet her on more than a couple occasions, but again, i think he was embarrassed and ashamed. she was a 15 year old runaway who was big heroin dealer in seattle. then, after a week of not hearing anything from him, i received a frightening phone call from him on a pay phone. his voice was totally hoarse, almost to the point where he couldn't talk and i tried to make out what he was saying, but couldn't. i remember just asking "are you ok?" and him responding "yes" as best he could...then the phone got disconnected or he hung up. i don't know what the point of the phone call was, if it was just to check in with his roommates so that they wouldn't worry about him or what. i think that might have been it.

one day, about 5 days after he was supposed to move out, he came by when no one was home and packed up as much of his stuff that he could fit in his tiny honda 4-door and left back to california to live with one of his parents. it takes about a day and a half to drive from seattle to marin county. i think it took him over 4 days. in those four days he made no attempt of communication with me or any of his family (who he was on good terms with, his mom especially). the day that he left, his mom called wondering about him. we assumed he left for california and would call her that night or the next morning. he didn't. for 4 days he didn't call anyone. nobody had a clue where he was. after a day or two, his mom was worried sick and i eventually let her know most of what i knew had been going on the past couple months. she told me that he'd been involved with hard drugs before he moved up to seattle with me. lucian showed up in mill valley on the 4th night, looking awful, but he was alright. apparently, he'd been trying to clean himself up while he spent a few days in portland.

i know his mom told him that i had told her what had been going on in seattle. that's why i think he decided to completely stop talking to me. my friend becky said she'd seen him at work in mill valley and saw him at her art school in san francisco. i think he asked her about me once or twice. i was really happy for him that he was going to school because he's probably the most gifted photographer i've ever met. she even said that he looked alright and seemed to be doing well. third person updates of what each of us had been doing over the past year is what our friendship had been reduced to.

tonight i got a call from my dad who told me what happened to lucian. his call came from a family friend. lucian's dad found him dead in his room on saturday morning. people at work had told lucian that he looked sick and to take the day off last week, but he told them everything was alright. i'm wondering if he was sick from trying to kick or if it was something else. i'm sure i'll find out more on friday. natolee and i are flying up to attend the scattering of his ashes on mount tamalpias.

the news of his death really hasn't sunk in yet. i'm sure it will soon though. 21 is so fucking young, it's heartbreaking. i've had very few friends in my life who i've cared as much about as lucian. he will be sincerely missed.

l.t. 1979-2001