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Monday, February 11, 2002 10:16 p.m.

i feel like i'm fifteen again. well, musically at least. i'm listening to and really liking a lot of the music i listened to then--the smashing pumpkins, nine inch nails, not faith no more specifically, but tomahawk and loveage, which are mike patton projects. basically, they're the bands i thought i was too cool for and stopped listening to when i got into punk. at least i was able to see some of those bands more than once back then and didn't miss out on some of the best shows i've ever been to. what good bands are around now? i mean really good bands, punk or otherwise. is anyone doing anything interesting? the strokes were interesting for a while until their bubble gum flavor went away and we were left with a tasteless memory of something exciting.

i start school next week after an enormous two month winter break. i am very excited about being able to sleep past 7:30 twice a week when school starts. i've been working full-time during this whole break and it's starting to feel like my job is what i'm doing with my life at the moment and it's scary. it's getting to be that i can't tell any day or week apart from the next, which is good motivation for me to work hard in school so that i don't have to work at a boring job for the rest of my life. school will be good to break up the monotony. i hear learning french is a good way to break up monotony too.

i'm thinking of starting another pita consisting only of stories about how truly insane my boss is. that would mean that i would have to update a lot, so i don't know if that will actually happen. though i will have you know that i was basically accused of terrorist activities a few weeks ago when i responded to an e-mail* from a friend, who still works for the place i work at, jokingly saying that i've started calling his dog osaka "osaka bin laden." i almost started to beleive that i did something wrong after the serious discussion we had about the government looking at everyone in america's e-mail, but then i remembered that he's a fucking nutcase. today he had his sweater on backwards when he got back from lunch. he seemed to be losing air because of it and his face got all red, but still didn't notice. i wasn't going to tell him.

*please note that my boss reads employee email if it's sent from our work email account.

Monday, February 4, 2002 10:45 p.m.

February 3, 2002

Mr. Dave Holmes
Music Television
1515 Broadway
New York, NY 10036

Dear Mr. Holmes:

     I think that you will be a great actor one day. I know this because you have almost perfected the art form, or are at least close to being an artist in the form of acting, while holding your throne as the host of the new show Kidnapped on MTV. I was witness to one of your performances about a half hour ago while stoned on pot laced with something that I was unaware of, making my hands tremble like a Parkinson's victim. You must remind yourself every morning when you wake up that you are so much better than the show you host. I don't want to say that I know you're so much better than the show, but I'm pretty sure that you are.

     Myself and so many others remember you in your meager beginnings, when a network almost in its full-bloom, MTV--which was at that time gearing up to cater to the pre-adolescent teeny bopper cash cow, sharing the "git-'em-while-they're-still-young" policy originally reserved for cigarette companies--devoted a week or longer to finding a replacement for one of their many revolving-door VJ's. You were stripped of your crown one day as your dreams of becoming a regular jackass (as every VJ is--don't feel bad) on national television were stolen (albeit temporarily) by Jesse Camp (or come to think of it, was it that raver kid who won?). Utter sadness overcame America that day when style won out over substance.

     MTV almost immediately realized their mistake and began slowly working you into their programming schedule while fading out the VJ who beat you. The country rejoiced temporarily until your show Say What? Karaoke aired, which I understand to have been co-produced by a vengeful Satan. That show is now in the past, thankfully. That is unless the Dark One has plans for a DVD release of Say What? Karaoke Uncensored. This brings us back to your most recent Music Television adventure, Kidnapped.

     In trying to come up with reasons as to how you could, in fact, be truthfully expressing the feelings that were being perceived by the home viewing audience as sincere while hosting Kidnapped, I have managed two:

1. You are really enjoying your time as host, asking mind-bending questions like, "Which of the four of you has the biggest porn collection?" to the moron, rapist, closeted homosexual, frat boys and their moron, date rape victim, whore, sorority sister girlfriend contestants.

2. You are on your way to becoming the greatest actor in the world!

     You are to be applauded for this feat, not mocked. When old friends call you who are unaware of your success, or when your parents call to see how the job is going, you can say with pride, "I am Dave Holmes (pause) and I am an actor."

I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,

Noah G****