oO Thursday, February 19, 2004 at 10:50 p.m. Oo

"the first single" by The Format

i can't stand to think about,
a heart so big it hurts like hell
oh my god i gave my best
but for three whole years to end like this
well do you want to fall apart,
i can't stop if you cant start
do you want to fall apart,
i could if you can try to fix what i've undone
cause i hate what ive become

you know me,
oh you think you do
you just dont seem to see
i've been waiting all this time to be,
something i can't define
so lets cause a scene,
clap our hands and stomp our feet or something,
yeah something
i've just got to get myself over me

i could stand to do without,
all the people i have left behind
whats the point in going around
when its a straight line baby, a straight line down
so lets make a list of who we need
and its not much, if anything
lets make a list of who we need
and we'll throw it away cause we dont need anyone
no we dont need anyone

you know me,
oh you think you do
you just dont seem to see
i've been waiting all this time to be,
something i can't define
so lets cause a scene,
clap our hands and stomp our feet or something,
yeah something
i've just got to get myself over me
and i hate what i've become

you know the night life is just not for me
cause all you really need are a few good friends
i dont want to go out and be on my own
you know they started something i cant stand
you leave for the city, well count me out
cause all this time is wasted on everything ive done

you know me,
oh you think you do
you just dont seem to see
i've been waiting all this time to be,
something i can't define
so lets cause a scene,
clap our hands and stomp our feet or something,
yeah something
i've just got to get myself over me


i think i just need some time off from everything and everyone. i want to be able to have some where to escape, even if it's just for a little while. i'm sick of drama and insecurities and i'm just sick of being sick of everything.

taste the bittersweet fruits of life.

oO Wednesday, February 18, 2004 at 10:35 p.m. Oo

WHY?

why is it that i am never good enough?
why is it that i can never acheive what i want to?
why do i always get jipped out of everything that means alot to me?
why, out of all the shit i've done for school, that none of it is recognized as "worthwhile", or big enough to be important?
why do i not get the credit that i [rightly] deserve?
why do boys have to be so damn confusing?
why does life, and everything in it have to be so complicated?

i often wonder why things can't be simple, easy, a step by step process, an algorithm that gets me to my goal no matter what. nooo, it's life, it's meant to be complicated. choices are what life is alll about.
I KNOW.

but if i know so much, then why the hell am i still wondering?

it's like life goes great for a certain amount of time.. then it's >rough patch< >rough patch< all over the place.
i think a good analogy is like an ever turning wheel. there are ups, and there are downs.

oh and am i down in the fuckin dumps these days.
there's so much more i want to say, and i do have the words to express it, but i'm just not going to bother.

oO Tuesday, February 17, 2004 at 06:37 p.m. Oo

"Hands Down"
by Dashboard Confessional

Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.

My hopes are so high
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, ,br> or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.


i love this song. i love the lyrics and i sing this in my car pretty often. i even go to sleep to this song. i don't know why i'm posting the lyrics, but i really like them. it makes me a little depressed though. but it's okay to feel blue sometimes. my mind is preoccupied with too many thoughts and i'd like to take a vacation to get away from it all.

oO Monday, February 16, 2004 at 11:35 p.m. Oo

lotsa stuff to talk about, this is gonna be long.

friday was fashion show rehearsal.. it was supposed to be 3.30pm- 10pm, but it ended up going overtime till 11.30. well i guess that was expected, since it was final dress rehearsal and we were no where near show-worthy. we had quite a few breakdowns, from students, mothers and our dear choreographer tina. *sigh* sometimes the high levels of stress with putting a show together can really get to you. i got really pissed off at one point because some mothers were going off on how our costumes weren't appropriate. well I AM SORRY BUT I CANT HELP IF MY MIDDRIFF SHOWS FOR A SPLIT SECOND AS I JUMP INTO THE AIR BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO. #)!@*$&!%. GEEZ. also, we had one mom call a girl a bitch, and then tell another girl that her legs were too "white" for the skirt she was wearing. wtf? who says that shit? it was so messed up. some of the mothers were also boozing up while waiting for us to run through the show. .... the reason why it's so many 'mothers', is because it was a mother/daughter fashion show, so that means that the mothers' guild (mom's club) from my school put the thing together, comprehendo?
anyway we got out of there really late, and i thought i was gonna sleep over in the hotel room that lexi's mom had for the night, but those plans didn't work out, unfortunately. that really sucked ass so i had to drive my tired ass home and fell asleep almost immediately upon hitting my bed. oh yeah, another side note: the rehearsal and fashion show itself was at the Marriot hotel, so that was cool. we took over one of their ballrooms. it was pretty sweet, except that the stage was really squeaky and made us all nervous to walk/run on.

um so saturday: show day. dragging my hiney out of bed early in the morning to arrive back there at 7.30am is no easy task, let me tell you. well we pretty much were getting ready the whole time and doing a final run through. all was good, and everything came together at the last second. seeing as i was in the punk number "cleveland rocks", my group could go crazy with the makeup and hair, because we were supposed to have an 80s emo-punk influence. haha. mad crazy. so i crimped all of my hair till it was HUGE, and did the craziest makeup possible, with hot pink eyeshadow, false eyelashes, lots of black eyeliner and blush. haha it was NUTS! my group had similar get-ups, but mine was by far the craziest and weirdest. i concur. hahahaha. ANYWAY, the run through went great, and the show went AMAZING. over 1000 people came and my momma really enjoyed it and she took a lot of pictures :) hehe. the whole thing is a kinda a jumbly mess for me to remember, because it was so chaotic, but it was good.

after the show, we went to hang out by the hotel pools, and yeah, even though it was kinda chilly out. but we sat in the jacuzzi and enjoyed ourselves.

so yeah, i forget, saturday WAS valentines day, but for me, it doesn't really seem like it, because it was all taken over by the fashion show. geez. anyway, i got home and scrubbed off all that makeup and washed my fro-like hair, and .......... FELL ASLEEP. so basically all i did on valentine's day night was sleep. i didnt even watch any movies, or eat any junk food. i SLEPT. i am a pathetic single soul. but oh dammnn, was it good to sleep. lol been missing out on that for a while, so it was well worth it.

sunday involved heading over to my family's warehouse to clean and get set up. haha yep, my brother's company is finally ACTUALLY becoming a real company. we've got an office/warehouse and should be ready to go pretty soon. it's exciting. but because i'm a wimpy girl, and i can't do much lifting/carrying heavy objects, i supervised. haha no just joshin. i taught myself to long-board, by breaking out my brother's long board, and skating all over the warehouse, around the warehouse, in the warehouse, everywhere! it was really fun, and i was getting the hang of it. till i ate it, of course, hahahaha i fell once because i tried to use a different footing (i think i'm a goofy foot?) and got confused and fell. lol. nevertheless it was entertaining.

hmm saturday night we went out and ended up at this girl's house but it wasn't really a party, it was more of a close friends get together in the guest house, kinda deal. so it was a little awkward, ohh how do we get ourselves into situations such as these. well it was productive in one way.. i re-met this kid i went to middle school with! haha i haven't seen him since we left middle school and he's changed a fair bit, and he said the same about me. well i guess people WILL change over a time span of 3 and a 1/2 years, hey. lol. oh well. we left that pretty quickly, and ended up having a harrowing driving experience. i was driving .. and then at a nice stop light, i SWEAR i saw the light turn green (maybe the left turn arrow turned green).. or i just certainly wasn't paying much attention, because i rolled through the red light and into the intersection and went right on ahead. indeed very scary and i almost died of FRIGHT. i still can't believe i did that, i don't know what the HELL i was thinking. and of course, right behind us were taylor and kaylie. they saw me do that AND probably thinking "what the shit is holly doing?!" ... well i thought i was driving.

um. so this is my sheepish apology for being a shitty driver.
after that happy time, we went over to jon's place and hung out with him since he was grounded and had his car taken away from him because he threw a big party and his parents found out. i think he was still recovering from his two day party boozing though, and we watched part of the "blue collar comedy tour" (i hope i got the name right), and then we had to go. so that was sunday night.

today monday (four day weekend BABY), found me cleaning my room and bathroom alllll dayyy loonng. yep. i decided to be a good domestic child and clean everything. so my room is sparkling clean, spic and span and all that jazz. i'm quite pleased with it. yay!
so, since it's monday night, what i did was go and watch "50 First Dates". it was such a cute movie! a definite chick flick, but really funny and sweet. i'm a sucker for romantic comedies. rob schneider was hilarious, and i kinda think he stole the show as the one funked up eye, old, burn out, surfer bum. lol.

indeed, my weekend has been pretty okay i guess, not too thrilling, other than the driving part.

audio:: avril lavigne- "complicated"

oO Wednesday, February 11, 2004 at 09:44 p.m. Oo

hey duuuude.
my week is not going as well as i'd like. everything is a little hectic, but i'm reeeeeeeally excited for the fashion show, i just have this feeling that it's gonna kick so much ass and everything will come together.
i finally got my outfit together for my "cleveland rocks" number, aka the punky kids hahaha. i've borrowed some clothes from april, and a hair crimper from robyn (and i think someone else is bringing me another one too), got some accessories coming my way as well as hot pink shoelaces. hahaha yeah, i'm doing like a totally hot pink and black thing. it's gonna be so badass.

today in ceramics class, i finally managed to "lift" my clay, on the wheel, to make a cylinder shaped vase lookin thing. now, after being on the wheel for maybe a week and a half, i think that's a pretty damn big accomplishment, and my teacher was impressed. BOOYAH. hahah random, but i think it deserves some credit.

next thursday, simple plan and MXPX and sugarcult and billy talent are coming into town for a concert. CAN YOU IMAGINE!? all 4 bands at one go. hahaha, whoa, i have to do some money savin. because, i wanna go to the britney concert too!! hahahahahaha YEAH! i really do! her new cd kicks so much ass and i just LOVE it. haha i'm always singing one of her songs during the day, partly because we always have it going in our cars.

boom, boom, boom, Boy you look so sexy

hahahaa. i even love the risque Toxic video.
um so let's see, what else. OH. yeah, you'd never believe it, but i'm telling you, i have a REALLY HOT DATE for valentines. in fact, TWO really HOT dates. their names are ben and jerry, and damn. i can't wait. i call chocolate fudge brownie, or just plain vanilla. hmm or maybe i'll go to oregano's and eat a whole pizzookie by myself (for the uninformed, the big chocolate gooey chip cookie with vanilla icecream!!!!!!!). isn't it funny how most girls choose that day to pig out? not for me though! i eat like that ALL THE TIME! mahahaa.
anyone who doesn't have anything to do that night? you can join me for ice-cream! and i promise i give good hugs!

hahaha okay i find it amusing that i didnt bring home any books today to do homework. i might have to start doing this more often. heeellllz yeah.

audio:: finger eleven- "one thing"

oO Sunday, February 8, 2004 at 11:08 p.m. Oo

a week full of school, tests and musical rehearsals.
seems pretty standard really. (haha say that like dr. evil in austin powers... after being beaten a burlap sack.. anyone? anyone?)

yeah. my weekend has been pretty crappy. a lot of fashion show rehearsals, spending money on food (too much) and pointless parties. not that parties really have a point anyway, but it was just a waste of time. i particularly felt like a chauffeur who drove people, sat around and waited till they finished their business, and then drive them back so they can crash/pass out in my house. it's never this bad, but this weekend just got a little out of control, and honestly, i feel fuckin' underappreciated.
sometimes i feel like a shitty friend who can't even do much to show that i care for my friends and i'll give up whatever i wanna do, and sacrifice my happiness for others.
but yet sometimes i feel like too good of a friend who does so much to go out of my way to make sure everyone is happy and that they can rely on me but i don't get a lot of gratitude in the end.

maybe i'm just being a bitch and i want people to know that i've done alot for them. i'd like to be thanked every so often, and i'd like to hear that people are grateful that i don't get wasted and be an irresponsible designated driver. i'd like to know that my efforts aren't going unnoticed.
but that's just the selfish me talking. i can want alot of things, but they might never happen, and i've never voiced them out in this way before.

my brother says i'm too nice and my friends walk all over me and take advantage of that fact. wasn't one of my new year's resolutions to stand up for myself (at least when it came to driving, but that situation is improving) and make sure shit like that doesn't happen?

i've had alot of time to think about this. i was sitting around all weekend waiting for people, so naturally, i've done some thinking about it.

maybe i'm just being overly dramatic.

i'm a walking contradiction. i say i hate drama. but yet i'm such a fuckin' drama queen. "confessions of a teenage drama queen", isn't that lindsay lohan's new movie? i think the title is overly appropriate for my life.
i hate myself sometimes.

anyway, today i was at fashion show rehearsal, and i got singled out along with a few other girls for the finale.. we're supposed to jump up/be lifted up to sit on guy's shoulders. pretty much it's a cheerleader lift thingy. i almost fell while doing it, but i managed to pull out my shitty sense of balance and trust that the dude wouldn't drop me. so i'm good. it was actually quite fun and i was contemplating why i'm not a dancer/cheerleader once again. dammit. fuck i would have loved to be on the pom/dance squad or something. it's got enough of a performance vibe for me, and it's got dancing incoporated, so why the hell am i not in it?
because i don't have enough dance training, and i can't do spin after spin, turn after turn, because i was never taught how.

there are some things in life i honestly do regret. i would trade in my black belt for dance classes any day.

um. i'm just going to go sit in my room and ponder more life issues.
hah. no i'm goin to sleep.

audio:: rooney- "i'm shakin"

oO Sunday, February 1, 2004 at 06:13 p.m. Oo

halla!
so i've had a pretty busy weekend, and i honestly didn't expect to, so i guess that's a good thing hey.

starting off with friday, since i didnt have to go to musical dance practice (hail dunnion!) i went home and took a long ass nap! i was supposed to go for a dermatologist appointment, but i rescheduled to see the other doc, because the one i have keeps telling me i don't need anything, which isn't true, because then i would have stopped needing a dermatologist a long time ago. stupid.
anyway. lexi called me and woke me from my nap and told me we were going to the brophy soccer game. so i gave her a sleepy "okay" and then pulled some clothes on (yes i sleep naked....... lol just joshin). so yep brophy lost the game to horizon and it was pretty sad. :( i was upset. anyway. ashley and shannon came over to my house and we hustled together for some dancing/eating time while waiting for everyone to arrive. we eventually found something to do, and we headed over to daaavid's house, but apparently the party had already been broken up by the time we got there (bummer!) so shan called her friend tim up and we met him and ended up at another party, which was just a little bit sketchy but oh well. we saw gian though and he was plugging his gig on saturday the whole time and making people buy tickets to go watch. hehe. we left that after a while because we didn't know alot of people and the girl who threw the party began kicking people out just as we were saying bye to some people. haha we ended up calling brian (okey!) and went over to his friends house and hung out with them for a while. we watched part of "once upon a time in mexico", and uh, it's kinda weird. johnny depp with blood pouring down his face because his eyes got poked out? FREAKY.

yup kay. saturday consisted of me not going to work (haha woohoo) and going to lexi's soccer game. horizon won against us, because of the shoot-out/penalty kicks, and that bloody well sucked. ash, alex m. and i got so into the game and were cursing with obscenities the whole time. lol. oh well lexi says they'll win state, and they better!
shannon came over to my house again and we went to watch gian's band Natural Selection, play at the mason jar, and omg they are surprisingly GOOD. i was amazed and just in awe, lol yeah they are that good. impressive. anyway, after that we went over to brophy to catch Lillypalooza, but we realized we didnt have enough money to go...... now isn't that pathetic? i'm so poor i can't even go places anymore. we ended up getting some food, because we could afford that and not the show. lol. damn.

we went to meet up with some of shannon's friends, and i don't know why but they aren't really friendly and i kinda feel stupid when i'm standing beside shan and they talk to her and joke with her and ignore me. and i'm like okay well, sure you don't know me very well but you don't have to pretend that i'm not there. lol. weird. plus, the guy whose house we were at wasn't supposed to have people over, and therefore we couldn't be too loud, couldn't touch anything, break anything, go outside, stand too close to the windows.. it was kind of being a little child and your parents telling you to sit still and not fidgit. pretty much breathe and you're dead. LOL.
um. we left that pretty quickly and went over to nick's house and hung out there for a while, and i got to see keith and jake, brandon, and some other dudes. that was pretty fun, everyone was getting really trashed and gone, and it was fun to watch (since i was driving). lol. keith and i commiserated over our bottles of water and half watched snowboarding videos (lol) and everyone else in the house. we also went jumping on the trampoline which was quite enjoyable hahaha, and i should have some interesting pictures.
after THAT (it was like 12.30am), lexi calls me and tells me to meet her at the pointe bc she was at a soccer retreat and all her teammates were like sleeping in the casita. lol. SO, i drive over there and turns out brian (okey! haha) and mark are there too, so we join them as well and walk back and forth between the two casitas, freezing our hineys off and watching shannon and brian totally eat it while climbing up/down this freakishly steep hill thing. they slipped and fell and didnt really hurt themselves but it was quite funny to watch, and once again i should have some interesting pictures when i get my film developed.
we left there and headed home after that (well shannon and i also went on a secret late night mission!!! KEEP LEFT!!!) and that concluded my saturday night. pretty intense!!

um. yeah today is superbowl sunnnndaaaaayyyyyy. hope the team y'all are rootin' for wins! i personally am kinda rootin' for the patriots, but i'm also watching for the commercials and half time show (whoa, did i see janet jackson's boob?). lol all for media attention, i tell ya.

so did i tell you the joke about the cookie?
i would, but it's pretty crummy.
hahah stolen from shan and ash.

audio:: guster- "perfect"