something borrowed, something blue.

Sunday, October 30, 2005 11:35 p.m.

A surprise visit at 10PM with a box of Venezia Gelato :) Once again, I was tricked and I thought I had to loan out my finance textbook but I was pleasantly surprised so we ended up sitting in my kitchen for an hour talking, laughing and eating butterscotch and belgium chocolate gelato :)

Saturday, October 29, 2005 02:03 p.m.

Last night was cell and we're embarking on the book of Esther for the next 7 weeks. It should prove to be interesting and besides, I don't think I've ever had such a in depth studying of a book in the bible before. I've never even read the entire book of Esther before. I had lunch with Juan at Jurong Point, bought my butterfly buns (I've been thinking of them for the past 2 days) then I went to do my brows and got my fringe cut (too short again). Edmund came over for a while then we went to Greenwood to get fish and chips before cell started.

It's another studying day again today. But anyway, CLASSES FOR THE SEMESTER OFFICIALLY ENDED YESTERDAY! HOORAY! No more projects, assignments, seeing and suffering with horrible tutors and whatever nonsense. Now, all I have to do is be more productive and efficient in my studies, concentrate a little harder, pick myself up and return to school on 4 different days to take my papers and I'll be done for this year. Can't wait, can't wait.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005 07:57 p.m.

Status quo: Still overwhelmed with work. Finance test tomorrow. 20% of my total grade and I still got 7 more chapters to complete and 2 projects to kill by Friday. Let's not even talk about my pathetic, non-existent revision for the exams.

Still extremely fearful for my exams. It's scary to be totally lost and to not know anything when it's a week away. I never felt failure this close before. Fearful that I probably have to retake at least a module and my GPA is so going to suffer. This morning, I got woken up by fear at 640AM. It was freaking scary, made me felt so damn lousy and totally spoilt my day.

Still sick of everything. Sick of having to work, sick of having to write reports, sick of studying for exams, sick of worrying, sick of being pressured with so many crap, sick of caring, sick of talking, sick of not having enough sleep, sick of having so many other little things to settle and do. Sick of everything. I want Haagen Dazs vanilla ice cream, my butterfly bun, tv and sleep.

On a good note, I AM FINALLY DONE WITH THE AB114 COMMUNICATIONS MODULE! GOOD RIDDANCE! But I have to face it again in year 2 and hopefully, it won't kill me then. A very welcoming respite last night too because I managed to spend 2 hours with Edmund having dinner at Chomp Chomp and hanging out at his place. But it's back to business today and will be business till the 16th when I'll be free. This whole mess I'm in and what I'm going through right now really sucks.

Sunday, October 23, 2005 05:23 p.m.

I retreat when I feel I'm being treated in a way I'm not comfortable or pleased with. I never realized it till a well meaning friend pointed it out a few weeks back and I'm starting to see it now. I don't know if it's good or bad but I sure know it has negative impacts on my personal relationships.

I don't know. I know I have to take a few steps forward towards the middle line again because I can't keep on expecting people to move towards my point and besides, there's no point dwelling on it, but I don't want to! I'm not ready to step back out again! But yet, I know if I don't, I'm just doing more harm than anything. Aye, I really don't know. I just want to go back to sleep and wake up 6 hours later and be truly assured that everything's ok again.

Saturday, October 22, 2005 08:37 p.m.

Rolling down the stairs would be too painful. Now, all I want to do is curl up under the blanket and let the music play in the background.

I have 2 communications assignment due on Wednesday, a final communcations presentation on Wednesday, a Finance quiz on Thursday (20% of my total grade!!), a stats case study and stats project due on Friday. GOOD GRIEF. And I'm exactly 15 days away from the exams. I don't know even know where to start studying or what to study. Good grief. Honestly overwhelmed, extremely fearful and sick of everything.

Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEBBIE DEAREST!! :)

Friday, October 21, 2005 10:04 a.m.

I guess no amount of whining will take away projects, assignments and the exams. I'm struggling to manage all that and find time to do everything and I'm not putting all my hopes on the exams but I'm just taking one day at a time. Thank you Nic, because I think you somehow motivated me to study for my exams and still attempt to manage all those assignments and projects.

And I've got Ben&Jerry's again last night at 11:20PM so I'm feeling much better :)

Well, anyway, I've been waking up earlier this week so that my dad could send me to school so that I don't have to take the train even though I might only have a lesson at 1230PM. So on Monday, I was in the canteen doing my accounting tutorial when the cleaner came around to clean the tables. After he cleaned the table I was on, I just said "Thank You"

He started talking to me, asking me what I was studying and what year I was in and all and he was talking quite loudly so the nearby people turned to look. I somehow felt embarrased. so I wanted to like just nod my head and act like I didn't want to talk to him and he was irritating me. But somehow again, the process of rationalization occured and I was wondering why I didn't want to talk to him. Then I remembered the newspaper article which said that there are many Singaporeans who not only shun those lowly jobs like cleaning but they also treat these people in that line badly or don't recognize their efforts.

So I decided to put aside whatever pride or face I wanted and talk to him. After he walked away, I continued to look at him as he went about cleaning the other tables and mopping the floor. It's amazing honestly. Maybe he's working because he needs the income but cleaning and all is certainly hard work and he is old. It's definitely tiring cleaning too because I saw he was gripping the handrails after wiping all the tables and he sat down to rest for a few minutes. I don't even know why I, for a few seconds, acted like I didn't want to talk to him because I felt I was mightier or whatever.

I now have full respect for those in the cleaning line. Especially those that clean the toilets. Sometimes I walk into the toilets in school and the toilet is all wet, toilets aren't flushed and are choked with toilet paper and there's a strong urine stench and the first thing I do is walk out of the door and find another toilet that hopefully would be cleaner. Think about the lady that has to go through all that and clean the toilet. It's amazing how they put themselves through it and get the job done.

I think talking to that uncle in the canteen made me realize that I shouldn't think I'm mightier or of a higher status than those cleaning people because they do a decent job in cleaning up my mess and if possible, I should recognize their efforts. If I can talk to the salesgirl and ask her for my shoe, why can't I just smile and say a few kind words to the cleaning uncle and aunties too? Can't quite describe that experience properly or what I felt but it definitely struck something raw within and made me sit up and reflect.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005 10:18 p.m.

I was in school from 830AM till 915PM and I've only just finished eating my dinner. Honestly, projects are driving me up the wall. I mean, like Hello! Exams are in 3 weeks and once I clear this OB project by tomorrow, I still have to settle Stats case study and Stats project and study for Finance quiz and I have to complete all that by next Friday.

HOW IN THE BIG FAT WORLD DO YOU EXPECT ME TO STUDY FOR MY EXAMS? You tell me. I'm even thinking of dropping subjects right now and just focus on those that I'm better in. Honestly, projects are killing me and they take up so much time! You got to do some extra reading and research, make sure your content's there, you're answering the question, you're structuring it right blah blah blah and on top of that, manage team dynamics (there are people who don't do work and people who are having a bad day. Thankfully not in this OB group) and find a suitable time for everyone to meet. And on top of projects, somehow magically complete your assignements, prepare for tutorials and study for the exams.

I think it's going to be another long night because we still haven't properly finalize our project and I have to prepare for yet another communications presentation and do my tutorials for tomorrow. And I've got an 830AM class tomorrow.

Now do you know why I want to roll down the stairs?

Monday, October 17, 2005 10:49 p.m.

I feel like rolling down a long flight of stairs.

Sunday, October 16, 2005 10:50 p.m.

I have a problem. I'm not studying for the exams. Honestly. I just do projects and more projects and complete my assignments.

I know I have to study, I want to study but I don't get down to real studying. I just procrastinate. It's partly because I don't know what I'm working for or what I should be working for. Another reason is because work is truly overwhelming and I don't know where exactly to start. Also, there is still OB written report, Stats case presentation, Stats in course assignment and FM quiz to settle before the exams begin. Argh.

I don't know what to do. I really don't know what to do. I don't even know how to get myself down to studying. I don't know where to start, I don't know which activity to cut back on, I don't know if I should be spending less time on projects, I don't know how to motivate myself, I don't even know what to do if I have to repeat modules next semester. Gosh.

Besides exam fears, worries and mini panic attacks, it was a good week. I grew fatter, ate alot, lazed around even more, got swarmed with projects, more projects and assignments (that wasn't good), met up with Jac on Wednesday and spent time with Edmund since he's having his mid semester break. He came up again on Friday and we had Macdonalds breakfast at Canteen A before going to down to Suntec for some shopping (I saw a $160 pair of heels! I like!) before we had tea at Marche then dinner at Newton and cell afterwards.

On Saturday, I had the car for a while so I drove up to his place and we went to Pasir Ris Park before going back to his house fo tea and then we both drove back to my house in 2 separate cars, returned the car to my dad and we went for David's 21st birthday party. We dropped by The Cheesecake Cafe at Siglap after the party and picked up 2 cheesecake before returning to his place to eat it and Oh My Goodness! The cheesecake was so so so so good! Gosh! Selena! Now I know why you asked me to get it for Justin! It was so good and I want to go back there again! It really is good! Today, we had Swensens at Junction 8 for lunch because his mum gave him a $40 voucher and after that, we were tired and lazy so ended up in his house again till I went to my grandma's place for dinner.

Back to school tomorrow. It's the last week of lectures, second last week of tutorials and 3 more weeks to exams. Great. I honestly hope I better manage my time this week. I think I had enough fun and relax last week so I think I should get my butt down and start studying after I clear my OB written report and the assignment for Communications.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005 09:41 p.m.

I am mentally so so tired and drained physically. OB presentation tomorrow and it's a very important presentation because it's weightage is very high! We have over 50 slides and we have to finish it in 15 minutes and argh, should we wear black pants and shirts or just semi formal? I don't even know if we're graded on appearance! Aiyah. Honestly, projects really tire me out mentally and I feel so sick.

How in the world am I supposed to study for exams when I have to keep on doing projects. Honestly, HOW? I still have a communications test tomorrow and after the OB presentation, I still have the OB written report, Stats project, communications final presentation and Finance test within the next 2 weeks. Aiyah. Aiyah. Aiyah, really. I'm so tired.

I just want to sip cold lemon tea and listen to "Jimmy gets high"

Coincidentally, my OB tutor is Jimmy Wong.

Monday, October 10, 2005 11:21 p.m.

Edmund is on holiday this week so he drove me up to school, crashed my Accounting lecture and once that was over, we met Adrian for lunch at canteen A then we both headed back to laze around in my hall till we went for dinner at Jurong Point's Fish&Co. It's one of those days where we eat, grow fat and do nothing. Very very lazy day but nonetheless, an enjoyable day :)

Monday, October 10, 2005 12:44 a.m.

Tell me: What's forever? What in this world is permanent?

Friday, October 7, 2005 06:58 p.m.

Shucks. Exams are in exactly a month's time. David says I'm screwed definitely for Stats because it's damn difficult to catch up and all. Double shucks. I honestly need to get my drive back and start working. I don't even feel the pressure so I'm not doing anything but yes, I must start reading chapter 1 of finance and stats or else I'm truly screwed. I don't want to repeat stats or finance next semester!

Anyway, bummed around at the hall's tv lounge again today after Stats tutorial. Was supposed to meet QG there again to finish up our part of the project but David joined us and the three of us ended up bumming around, talking, joking, watching a few minutes of matrix and hearing the latest latest happenings of our hall from QG. Haha. And QG shared his chips and hello panda with us so basically all I did was grow fat and talk to them. Shucks. I honestly need some drive to get started on my work. The bad part is that the minute I come home, I totally slack. Ugh.

Off for dinner with the folks then cell!

Thursday, October 6, 2005 09:55 p.m.

Haha! Was just talking to David on the phone regarding our project and he reminded me that since I didn't turn up for stats lecture and finance seminar today, I've officially not attended any single lecture this week. Haha.

This is what I like about university. The liberty to turn up for lectures at your whim and fancy. It's not that I'm being rebellious, it's just that some lectures and tutorials are truly a complete waste of time and no matter how hard you try to pay attention, you'll never get anything so you're better off just reading the textbook on your own.

Thursday, October 6, 2005 09:01 p.m.

Was back at my hall today from 9AM till 330PM so ended up skipping stats lecture and finance seminar. It's weird being back there. The place is so familar yet I feel so out. I know every nook and corner, which sofa to lie on, which cubicle to use yet I feel like this is not my place and I don't belong. Almost somewhat like walking back to your old school, knowing the teachers, the classrooms and which canteen stall to eat from but yet knowing you're not like those girls walking around because you're no longer in that school and you don't belong.

Ah well. Was there because QG and myself decided to work at our hall's tv lounge so that I don't have to bring any textbook or the laptop since his room is just next door. Pretty enjoyable. We managed to complete half our project and then we spent the rest of the time joking around, talking, laughing about my hollow head (because I was tying my hair when my rubberband snapped and QG heard this hollow sound), how I couldn't spell and we both couldn't capture our ideas, him telling me the latest happenings in our hall.

I guess this is what I miss most about not staying in the hall. The friendships. I honestly miss the random chats with my neighbours, Clare coming over at 1AM to borrow a hole puncher and chit chat, begging QG and being all nice so that he'll buy me oreo cheesecake from NYDC and copy lecture notes for me and reading the newspaper with Clarence in the tv lounge. Oh well. Off to brainstorm for OB and get some work done.

Wednesday, October 5, 2005 10:52 p.m.

"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one" - Matthew 6:13

I think I better understood that particular line in the Lord's prayer today. I don't know but I was struck with that sudden realization this afternoon in school that I face many temptations daily. Some are really subtle and some are quite obvious. The temptation to cheat, to lie, to be lazy, to neglect my duties, responsibilties and all.

I don't even know how I realized that but I'm glad I did. Somehow this afternoon, I found myself subconsciously yielding to a particular temptation and the next thing I knew, I was in danger zone and I had to like consciously pull myself away from it. I don't know how to explain it. Scary because if I allowed myself to get carried away in a certain sense and be all weak and yield to it, I don't know what would happen. I could possibly ruin something so beautiful. I don't know. Very scary too considering I was emotionally low and thus I felt I was an easy prey.

I really can't explain it in words. I just know that it was temptation and I was tempted greatly and several times, I almost wanted to forget my responsibilities and yield to it. I now pray that God will continue to open my eyes to the temptations around me, especially those subtle ones and that He'll grant me the strength to fight and overcome them.

Wednesday, October 5, 2005 03:26 a.m.

It's pouring outside, the weather's perfect to sleep, my bed is tempting, I'm hungry and drop dead tired but I still have one more assignment to complete and it's already 3:26AM. And I have a 830AM class in a few hours. Good grief.

I want hor fun.

Tuesday, October 4, 2005 08:31 p.m.

I did the Great Move again today. Moved almost all the stuff in my hall back home today and now my room is in a mess because I can't find space to put all my books, printer and other nonsense so I just dumped everything in one corner. Didn't realize I accumulated so much junk in the halls. Oh well, the only things left in my hall right now are the 1.5L bottled waters and my toiletries.

Anyway, I shall rearrange my room tomorrow, pack my books properly, clear up my desk, put away my A level books and possibly start filing my university notes. I'm not exactly a neat and tidy person but I can't stand the sight of a horribly messy room and my table being so cluttered that I have to move to the study room to do my work. I have one load of communications assignment to finish by 830AM tomorrow and it's making me irritated because I honestly think it's a waste of time and my tutor didn't even specify how we should go about doing it and I still have to settle my OB case presentation tomorrow.

Monday, October 3, 2005 10:59 p.m.

Accounting test today killed me left right center. The mark allocation was 6, 6, 42, 46. Scary. I don't know if it's difficult because I didn't study much or because it was really technical and it really required me to know how to draw out a properly classified balance sheet and income statement and debit and credit the right accounts. I didn't even know how to do the first question and trying to find out the correct answer at the end of the test was useless because all of us had different cash amounts. Haha. I'm really glad it's over though. Can't wait to get back my results as well because I want to see if I'll get 19/100 or 20/100.

Pretty busy weekend but other than that, I've been thinking about a few things but I'll write them down once I'm done with my communications assignments. I have to write a cover letter for my professional attachment, a r�sum�, prepare a presentation, edit my research report and evaluation and hand it all up on Wednesday. Dreads.

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