because you don't see me
and you don't need me
and you don't love me.
The way i wish you would. The way i know you could.
Friday, October 31, 2003
11:06 p.m.
argh. i want the canon digital ixus400 but it's $899! besides. i don't think i deserve it. i don't even deserve to shop. aye. right now, in this kind of horrible economic conditions, i don't think my spending will help the economy much. aye. i need to find a job. some of my friends are even earning their own pocket money.
life really sucks.
Thursday, October 30, 2003
10:22 p.m.
happy birthday zhimei!! :)
haha today i found another eating partner! sarah walker! she eats those half boiled bloody cockles and fresh oysters with a dash of tabasco and lemon too! ah! haha. now all i have to do is teach her how to eat foie gras! it'll be perfect! sarah! please come to my house soon! we have to eat those cockles ok? :)
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
10:11 p.m.
life's unfair. i failed chinese. it was very bad. and so daddy asked about it when he sent me home and when i told him about it, i got scolded for dropping chinese tuition this year and not studying for it at all! we ended up having this quarrel. well. it's not that i don't study. it's that i really don't get chinese. i don't even understand. how am i supposed to apply anything? and it's not as if i've got a set text to learn! it's so unfair. and when sarah does badly for it, she gets all the pity! and when i do badly, i get all the scolding! i cannot be compared to with sarah! i mean we're doing completely different subjects and how is it possible to get 3As for my promos? i do need some time to get used to the syllabus and all! besides it's only the promos! i think he was quite pissed off because i didn't study hard enough and reached my aim and i didn't study at all for chinese, he said i have to make it into NUS before any overseas education. that means i have to get into some faculty in NUS before i get sent abroad. great. how great. it just means that i can't leave right after the A's. i have to make sure i get into NUS. aye. so for now i guess it's back to intense chinese tuition :(
anyway. i remembered ron's mother telling me that the two years in junior college is hell and we just have to slog like crazy because only the strong ones will emerge and move on to university. haha she said something like if we get through this phase, university would be much easier. i guess she's right. aye. to sum it up. i'm just a dimwit silly idiot who always fall shorts of expectations. oh yeah. something else happened today and i guess it dashed my hopes. i'll never touch it. aye. aye. aye.
went to ikea after school today with suzy, sophie, sarah, claire and terence! haha we like majorly pigged out! but it was so fun! i want to go out and eat like that again! there's so many things i want to eat! pratas, risotto, fish, fried prawn noodles, hotdogs! ah! so many! haha.
Sunday, October 26, 2003
10:08 p.m.
yay! finally done with written report! reached the word count and everything's in order! i'm just praying real hard that there isn't a part which we did not give the authors credit! yay! :) and i have to say, bridgitte is so helpful! she was so nice to come online the minute she came back from camp and help to majorly cut down the number or words. thanks bridgitte! :)
came over to alex's house in the afternoon after the internet failed to start. i'm begining to think that starhub's really cheating my money. i'm pretty sure the cable breaks down at least once a month! argh. anyhow. ALEX CAN COOK! haha. yes he cooked glass noodles with unshelled prawns, susages, cabbage and egg! :) wonderful haha. but it was quite funny because we were arguing over who should shell the prawns and how we should shell it. in the end we got prawn juice all over ourselves! haha. oh and we were sitting in his dining room and we overheard his maid's conversation with someone and after that we concluded that she's having a boyfriend or she likes someone. haha we really couldn't stop laughing and alex just couldn't believe his ears! haha. and alex was really nice! he went down to holland village to get dao hui, chocolates and eggtarts while i was doing the project. haha i was so shocked. like alex's been transformed by some form of transformers! when was he ever so nice? i had to always beg him to get me daohui but he got it today without even me asking! :) thank you alex! :)
and i was thinking about something just now. i don't know excatly how to put it but i feel as if i've come in and swept certain things away and those that had wanted those things to stay actually got them swept away by me. i don't know. maybe i'm just too paranoid but i really feel that way! do you even get what i mean?
i'm preparing myself for possibly one of the worst weeks of this year. argh. i just want my 2As and 2AOs! i'm so scared i'll end up with 2 O's. i am really so scared. i am terriberly scared of what lies ahead. if i do badly, it's bad. if i do too well, it's also bad. aye. life's just so complicated and tough.
i can go home now anyway! no more written reports! :)
Sunday, October 26, 2003
02:17 a.m.
i'm partially done with all the in text citations and deleting some parts to fit into the word count and editing the proposal. yes yes yes yes yes. thank goodness. now there's only the final rearranging of everything and the group can hand it up and impress the horrible markers! :) yay.
suzy! thanks for whining and talking crap half the night away with me! you provided much entertainment! remember we have to go out and play arcade and cards and eat! :) haha and read my shopaholic storybook quickly!
Saturday, October 25, 2003
10:52 p.m.
it's almost eleven and i've been stuck here for the past 2 hours trying to edit everything and get it all in order. oh my why does project work have to be such a pain? i'll probably never finish. i'm figuring out how to piece all the information together but i'm getting all confused.
won't someone sit down and tell me that grades aren't all that important? that i'm just another typical singaporean hoping for good grades so that i can have a career and live in a condo and have a credit card and a car?
Saturday, October 25, 2003
03:34 p.m.
i just got a pedicure done! yes! my feet feels absolutely pampered! haha. got my nails painted black and daddy thinks its spooky! halloween's coming anyway! :)
oh and you know what daddy wants me to do during the holidays? cook! i am requested to go for cooking lessons! argh. no way. daddy says it'll be good in the future! i don't want to cook! argh. someone please talk my father out of this cooking class!
we had steamboat at aunty wendy's house last night! haha she invited her 2 female china scholars and mommy brought the 2 china scholars along too for a good meal! and uncle john roasted duck! met up with jade too! :) we were talking about the bachelor and uncle john was like saying how mushy the show is! oh and we had such a hard time persuading him that the joe millionaire guy is really a construction worker! and uncle john was like talking about his army days and how all the girls flocked to him! jade really couldn't stop rolling her eyes and all of us couldn't stop laughing! haha. then efrem drove us to michelle and ben's house for cell and drove us back after cell! thanks efrem! cell was rowdy. really rowdy! so many people were there! but it was good talking to everybody again and just being in the fellowship of everyone! :)
i think my poor little sister has gotten hooked on to friendster! argh. my secondary 2 sister! caught up in this frendster business! what does she know? she's still so small and tiny! i fear for her! what if she meets some lunatic online? thank goodness she has no friends yet! haha. sarahwong! do you know the dangers lying before you?! you better delete that account! or talk to me. i'll tell you about it! argh. you better know what you're doing ok! don't think i don't know you set up a friendster account! ha! i'm always one step ahead of you!
anyhow. off to the leader's training in church! :) project work is still not done. how am i going to complete it and edit it and attempt to make it flawless? argh.
Friday, October 24, 2003
12:26 a.m.
in text citations is killing me. the fact that some information might still be plagarized haunts me. the realization that project work is 10% of the total score i'll need to enter NUS. and chinese! no amount of lian he zao bao is going to save my neck. i will be the only one that has to repeat chinese next year. that's if i even find my way to the J2 blocks. 2 AO grades are possible. oh man.
i want to run. or hide somewhere. just go anyway but remain in my current state. everything's burning. i'm burnt.
Thursday, October 23, 2003
11:55 p.m.
i wish i was granted an interview with God. Then i'll ask him all the questions i ever wanted to ask.
you know questions like what happened in the olden days. why is god unhappy. what is the specific criteria to go into heaven. what does God think of what is happening right now. is God angry with me. what does God think of what i've done. has he forgotten my sins? why is the memory of those sins haunting me. how can i please him. what does he have in store for me. what happens when you die. why is it that some people just get so good grades even though they don't study that hard. why did this particular thing happen. what happens when the world comes to an end? does he want all the different denominations to be one. why does he bestow feelings to man when in the end, we get hurt. why not make us robots. why didn't he just delete everything that happened in the garden of eden and remake adam and eve so that we won't have any more sins. why can't he just get rid of satan?
so many questions. so little answers. i want a relationship with god. i want to seek him. the desire is growing stronger and stronger each day. but it's tough. very tough. temptation sets in and all. argh. argh. argh.
Thursday, October 23, 2003
08:54 p.m.
shoot me.
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
08:51 p.m.
i lost the entries from oct8 till oct20.
pitas.com you are so so mean.
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
10:36 p.m.
Happy birthday leanne!! :)
finally! i get to log on to pitas after some technical difficulties! argh.
anyhow! it's the lady's birthday today! haha. met her and gracia at mos burger when i was lunching with suzy, hilary, sarah and terence. oh and after that, the five of us played endless rounds of bridge until we lost the nine of diamonds. it liked suddenly disappeared! argh! well yesterday suzy, sarah, terence and myself also ended up at mos burger and when we were walking back, this old lady at the underpass asked me to look after her stuff while she went to the toilet and i didn't! actually i wanted to, but she said she'll take at least 10mins! ah i feel really bad now. i think she was really urgent. ah whatever! i feel bad. that's it. haha.
and i'm a qualified first aider now. well. that's provided i pass the theory section! haha. we had one and a half days of first aid lessons. all the gross pictures and horrible practical lessons! haha. now i just want to apply it. like flash my certificate and then perhaps put a really nice bandage on or something. putting the plaster on would also be good enough. haha oh and during the course, we were talking about amputations and all, and i told sarah that if for instance the finger gets chopped off, we put it into a nice ziplock bag and then carry it to the hospital and insist the doctor use our favourite colour thread. haha. that was like one of our attempts to brush off all those disgusting and gruesome pictures and thoughts haha!
it's said we're getting back our results tomorrow. argh! i'm scared. i want math back first. if i don't pass, i'll scream, faint then die. if i pass yay! i hate to think about it but it's there. the thought is always there and the pressure's building up! was telling leanne that today. she's enjoying poly so much! so is gracia. so unfair! argh. damnit.
oh oh. and on sunday! gilly, yoon sann, zhimei, claire, sarah and myself went out shopping! haha. well. actually zhimei bought something while gilly and myself went around trying all sorts of dresses! haha. we tried on this daniel yam gown and it was lovely! i want to get it! haha. edward was dragged along by us. i felt soo bad! really and what's more he grazed half his shin. but he was really accomodating so thank you edward! i think he'll take at least one week to recover from this traumatic shopping experience with us! haha. camp comm meeting ended faster and earlier. surprisingly. and the games comm looks really fun! i crashed their session and they had all sorts of whacky ideas. okay. and gilly came up with this fantastic ice breaker! haha. i won't spoil the surprise though! :)
there's something else that happened. i went back for bible study yesterday night. after like an absence of 2 months. usually, daddy will get uncle ronnie to send me home but somehow i got no transport home yesterday. so anyway. i was like grumbling and was saying something like oh how troublesome it is just to come for bsf and i have to go home on my own. but somehow last night, i decided to take the bus instead of the train. don't ask me why. and while waiting at the bus stop, uncle clarence (dawn and ria's father) drove by and offered to send me home. i declined but he insisted so i went along. and along the road, i thought. yes. indeed God was so gracious and so kind to actually send uncle clarence along to pick me up. at that time, i really couldn't stop thanking the lord.
and yes. that incident sent shivers down my spine. don't ask me why too. it was like the past few weeks, i've been rather pressured and down with exams and i was like shouting god where are you? why doesn't it seem as if you're hearing my prayers? but then i read the bible and during cell and camp comm meeting, the one thing was clear. it hit straight. you have to seek god. i cannot just stand there and say 'god pour all your blessings unto me' and not do anything. and last night. it was real. god answered my request/wish. to be sent home. it was a simple request but it reminded me that god does answer prayers. it's whether he'll say yes, no or maybe another time.
bsf is also getting very interesting. come ask me why.haha. we are currently learning something about how israel got splitted up and how the kings disobeyed the lord even though they were the annointed ones. and another appliation drawn from there. The lord our God is a jealous God. Rebelling against God has serious consequences. We must seek about God. Which then again affirms why brmc's youth sunday school camp should be about 'knowing God and not just knowing about God'
and just today. suzy asked about revelations! i want to attend the bible lesson on that too. and i hope we can do something about the different denominations or something like that in cell.
few more hours left till tomorrow. be it project work block period or getting back results. i'm sure it'll be terrible.
see me through tomorrow dear lord. and give me the grace to accept my marks.
Tuesday, October 7, 2003
08:50 p.m.
argh! you know what! i showed my tuition teacher the econs case study and she said she's done it before! only that it is in the form of a drq! argh. i regretted not borrowing her notes and past tests to study! and she said it was easy and she got like 17 out of 20! ahhh! unfair!! what's more the questions that came out for hers was part a and c of ours! argh. life is sooo unfair! i could have possibly gained 14 easy peasy marks if i just opened my mouth to borrow her econs stuff from her!
life's so unfair! i hope i'll just do well! then all these studying would be justified!
Tuesday, October 7, 2003
11:45 a.m.
all hail econs! for maximizing screw up-ness.
somewhat like a sign that the other papers would be equally hard or even harder. argh.
Monday, October 6, 2003
08:36 p.m.
haha. i found out that my sister is secretly establishing her own collection of earrings! ah! she has so many. goodness me! haha and what's more they're really pretty earrings! haha. she even has those loop earrings in all sorts of different sizes and even those elegant dangling earrings and some paw print ones! haha. so unfair! now i'll end up having to borrow them!
oh and i kind of realized that i've lost my enviable position as a pencil and can now almost claim the position of a ruler. it feels some sort like a hidden-in-the-pencil-box kind of pencil! oh what the fish. i hope i regain it back soon! argh. it sucks not being some sort of a monopolist in this kind of trade!
this entire episode feels like the sec3-sec4 era. i mean, on top of these few episodes, just look also at the degree at which the environment is degrading. i just hope everything doesn't turn out that tragic. won't it just be so devastating? beautiful people torn apart because of petty matters. argh. life sucks.it's just my own opinion anyway. i don't even know if i'm making sense. too many thoughts to actually be put into words.
Sunday, October 5, 2003
09:41 p.m.
argh. as the day draws nearer and nearer, i find myself dropping more and more topics because of the lack of time to study.
topics crossed out due to lack of time or lack of understanding.
AP. GP. Summation.
rocks and landforms not inclusive of plate tectonics.
applications of differentiation
agriculture
central problems of economics
is it really that hard to attain E, E, O? perhaps i should really aim higher just in case i end up with an O, O, F. oh goodness. that'll be my doom day. should have stopped procrastinating a long time back and started serious studying. it's kind of a bit late to mug so hard now and try to catch up with everything. i just hope my memory doesn't fail me and i'll be able to do fine.
save me.
Saturday, October 4, 2003
07:36 p.m.
mommy just told me that my maid is really going home. mommy says it's not only only because her contract is ending but also because over the past year, she has grown too complacent and thus she doesn't do her work thoroughly. aye. minus all those holes in her work, i will miss cheery! what's more she bakes the best cakes! argh. her contract officially ends in about 2 months time but mommy is releasing her earlier so that she can go back on a holiday before coming back here to work for someone else. aye. i really will miss cheery. i will miss everything about her. there's been so much things she's done for me over the many years.
and i was just complaining about how scared i was for the promos and cheery was so nice! she said that when she comes back after her holiday, she'll treat me to burget king if i do well for my exams. argh. i feel so sad that she's not going to work for us anymore. aye.
i don't think my new maid will be that nice. neither do i think i'll be that close to her. aye. aye. aye. big sigh.
goodbye cheery.
Saturday, October 4, 2003
07:01 p.m.
i'm begining to freak out and feel so scared. i just feel so nervous and i can't calm myself down at all.
i can't seem to complete every math question that i attempt because i just won't know how to complete it. it's like the more questions i do, the more i realize that i really don't know alot of questions. somehow it feels like no amount of tuition is going to redeem me. it's somewhat the same for geog. i just can't seem to link everything together. i just don't click with geography anymore. it's this wierd feeling that i'm feeling. and i can't get a bird's eye view of labour market, which is extremely important for the promos. i think it's important to know what the topic is about first and then get down to the nitty gritty stuff. aye. i'm at a total loss now. feel so demoralized. my confidence is at an all time low and i'm feeling all so edgy.
o lord. come to our aid. o lord make haste to help us.
please calm me down and let me not get too excited. o lord. please give me the wisdom to understand what the question is asking for and the determination to finish through the question and produce the right answer. lord. please now give me the strength to complete my revision and the ability to remember what i need to remember. i lift this prayer up to your most holy name.
amen.
Friday, October 3, 2003
08:47 p.m.
like i care about anything that happens. really.
i really regretted everything about it. many a times, i have to remind myself of that stupid little mistake i made that snowballed into everything. and now i've got to live with it. you probably want to know whether i do feel the pinch. let me tell you, it's nothing but a slight pinch at times. only a slight pinch. sadly. you really can't bring me down.
and so you think. i wouldn't ever stand up strong again. and so you think that taking over my place would be all so glamorous and yet biting towards me. taste it and feel it. but don't come crying later.
Friday, October 3, 2003
05:14 p.m.
glenn withdrew from school today to pursue his music career. so sad. now the class is left with only 24 people. aye. and he was so nice, before he left, he bought us all an ice cream each. to think that i treated him quite badly. i guess it was because he was more mature and liberal and thought differently as many of us. like they say, you'll probably never know how much you miss someone till he's really gone. anyhow. i wish him all the best. perhaps someday, he'll end up becoming some world class cello player!
sarah asked me just now what if i complain now about how much my revision is not completed and how i might actually end up failing the promos, but somehow, the results turn out otherwise and i do well. what would some say? would i be labelled a hypocrite? would i be shunned during revision time next year? would i be called a liar because i lied about my revision and not being able to do well? haha. all i could tell sarah was, i certainly hope such things won't happen. it really says alot of a person if he calls his friends those names or label them just because they did well and he didn't do that well.
anyhow. there's this huge ballon near my house! haha. it's so big and it's like floating in the sky. almost something like a floating float! it's advertising some launch of a new condo nearby! it's almost as high as eight stories! haha. how interesting and whats more it's red! so cool!
okay. going to try to start studying after a nap. haha. andre just told me his rabbit is probably suffering from a heatstroke because it's so hot out there! haha. rabbits are cute! i hope it gets well soon! :)
Thursday, October 2, 2003
05:15 p.m.
i just read yesterday's newspaper and in the front, there was this short article about a 13 year old boy who didn't have enough money to eat his recess. whenever he was hungry, he will drink water to fill up his stomach.
it made me realized how fortunate many of us (myself included) are. while some children are starving during their recesses because they have no money, here i am, buying fizzy drinks, eating unnecessary snacks just to satisfy my wants and not my needs. it's just so tragic. can you imagine just going without food during recess and seeing all your friends eat their hearts out? i really pity all those children. it makes me feel so guilty of eating more than what i need. can't i settle for plain water? can't i just have a bowl of noodle king? must i have ice cream and sweets? argh.
sometimes, i think i have my life too easily. while some people scrimp and save just to make ends meets, people like me just spend and spend. while my parents work so hard to provide for me, i just take it for granted and spend as if money grew on trees.
that article kind of slapped me in the face and woke me up and made me realize that my pleasures in life can be taken away anytime. i cannot live extravagantly and think that my parents have it all planned out and that tomorrow will just be as sunny as today. in this uncertain world, what if my father loses his job? i wouldn't be able to shop as i please, i wouldn't be able to spend on all those unnecessary food stuffs during recess. my mom might not be even able to fetch me around. i might even have to do some part time work to help the family. my life just probably wouldn't be the same.
as scary as it sounds and as uncertain the future looks, i think i better start saving for the rainy days. i really shouldn't take for granted what my parents provide for me. i really shouldn't assume that this sheltered life i have won't have its roof caved in one day. i then really shouldn't be so spoilt.
what's wrong with taking the bus home during rainy days?
what's wrong with not shopping so often?
what's wrong with not eating out so often?
what's wrong with not going out so often?
what's wrong with not having snacks after recess?
what's wrong with not going on long vacations?
what's wrong with doing something that i don't usually do?
goodbye to my extravagant ways.
i'll make an effort starting this children's day. it's time anyway.
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