Heads we will and tails we'll try again.

because you don't see me
and you don't need me
and you don't love me.
The way i wish you would. The way i know you could.

Monday, September 29, 2003 04:41 p.m.

stupid gp. stupid gp. stupid gp. it was so damn tough. there was like no backup essay that i could write. stupid comprehension was on animal rights? it was so hard! argh. alright. no use crying over spilled milk. this really feels sickening.

miss rani, i wrote extremely neatly today. please spare me and let me pass. thank you.

Sunday, September 28, 2003 05:41p.m.

i can smell victory.
i can even see victory.
but i'm getting tired.
and my legs are failing me.
i might not be able to finish the race.

No!

i must finish the race victoriously.
i must walk on. my legs will not fail me.
i must get to the finishing line.
i have waited all year for it.
this is the final race.

alright. breathe.
one step in front of another.
slowly and surely.
i will get there.

Sunday, September 28, 2003 05:29 p.m.

i'm really pissed off. i'm so pissed off. i'm extremely pissed off. i'm flamingly pissed off!

argh! you know what. i hate your stupid small talk. why are you so like the way you are? argh! why me? what's with the stupid difference? it might seem small to you but it's big! argh. i'm begining to get really really really extremely pissed off with you again!

and you too!! i can't click at all! can't you even try?! this is getting really irritating. i know nothing at all. maybe you should try informing me on some stuff? argh.

this sucks. really. i've no idea why i got so agitated over the 2 events. maybe it's this overwhelmed thing. but i think it's going a bit overboard. argh. i'm overwhelmed. no, i think it's pms. argh. whatever.

studied at the cafe today. ah. alex came over to help edward, zhimei and myself with labour. good stuff. and the three of us along with zaneta studied. promos in excatly a week. gp starts tomorrow. great. what if i screw things up? anyway. gilly! if you read this. please don't get so stressed up yeah? :) all of us are here to help you!! :) cheer up and be as loud as ever! you can do it! just don't get too overwhelmed and crushed by the books!

i think i'm definitely screwed. nothing i do can save my neck. my confidence is at an all time low. argh. argh. argh.

Saturday, September 27, 2003 01:19p.m.

i just read suzy's blog! argh! and it reminded me of one incident! if there's anyone who rules as the pao toe queen! it'll be madam suzy! haha. once during econs lecture, we were having this mini "argument" and i pulled her rubberband off. haha so terence, sarah and myself started hiding it from her while she held her hair in place. and as the lecture was about to commence, and we still haven't returned her purple rubberband, she raised up her hand and said " mr ang! hannah took my rubberband and she refuses to return it to me!" hello! how pao toe is that? haha. mr ang almost made me sit right in front alone okay. all because of madam suzy. argh! haha. but somehow yesterday, i managed to get back at her. so now we're quits! but nonetheless, all hail the pao toe queen!! :)

oh and yesterday during math lesson, haha suzy and myself wanted to find our song. and all of a sudden, i sang, "tell me why.." and she continued "ain't nothing but a heartache" haha. so we made that backstreet boys song our song. i know it's really cheesy but we changed the lyrics of it though. haha.

"tell me why, ain't nothing but piles of stress
tell me why, ain't nothing but mistakes
tell me why, i'm never gonna hear you say, we failed our promos."

it's good isn't it? haha. suzy! please study and follow the timetable i drew out for you! i'm already so proud that you're making leaps and bounds in your work and your revision! :) keep on trying! you're getting there!! :)

alright. going out soon with mommy to shop before going for dinner at marche with the usual group of us! ah can't wait! haha. mommy decided to motivate me by buying me a new top or something else everytime i complete a block period of revision. haha. the block period is something like completing several chapters of all 3 subjects during a given time eg. the weekend. yay.

Thursday, September 25, 2003 06:47 p.m.

guess what!! i just read the newspaper and i saw this primary school friend of mine! i know her! judith huang! ah! she was in blue team last time and she moved on to rgs! she won some poetry contest or something like that! :) and she's going to britain to recieve her prize! so cool!

haha and to think that we used to make fun of her because she had boobs then in primary 6 and we were all still flat! she's changed so much! she looks so demure, so ladylike so unlike her in primary 6! ah! haha. i told mommy about it and she said that God is fair. right. haha

oh! and the guess! models for this season are so pretty. haha. even that travis goldstein guy is so pretty! mommy agreeded to bring me to see the guess collection on saturday and see if both of us can get something nice! yay.

Thursday, September 25, 2003 06:05 p.m.

it was pouring really heavily just now so i ended up making a detour to town. cjc really should have a shelter to link the school to the bus stop across the road. it's just so inconvenient when it rains and it's time to go back. besides it can shelter us from the hot sun too! won't the student council propose this idea?

anyway. mommy picked me up from the train station and we walked into the community centre after dropping off some stuff at her friend's place. haha and i found an aerobics class! but mommy's not really pleased with the place so she suggested i join her gym classes! ah. can't decide. been putting off this aerobics thing for a really long time already. oh! and mommy said she might have to go to ghana in december to visit her friend so she said i could go visit gen if she goes to ghana because at least she'll be flying to dubai with me and accompanying me for at least half of the journey! yay. i really hope she goes. i want to go to africa and visit gen and do all the interesting stuff she tells me about! it's so cool that my mom's begining to lean over to our side now haha!

got to run along now! i don't want to take any supp papers!

Sunday, September 21, 2003 05:23 p.m.

just came back from church camp comm meeting. i didn't know that planning a camp can be so tough! we raised several ideas today like on whether to have a theme or not and where we'll be staying. ah! i hope we don't end up staying at serimbum! however you spell it. it's so out of the way and the living conditions are so so bad. and i'm extremely particular about the toilet facilities and the toilet facilities are way beyond bad. oh well.

oh. and i went for youth service this morning. took a step forward and prayed and felt somewhat of a difference. really blessed. after that, i had lunch with gilly and tried studying with zhimei, edward and zaneta while the rest of the people did their own studying. everybody was just helping everybody haha but i still understand nothing about labour market. absolutely nothing. i can't get my MPP, MRP, ARP, MFC and all that right. chang taught zhimei and myself a little about wage determinants but i can't make sense of any stuff of labour market! ah. why must studying have to be so tough?

and yesterday was kevin and karen's wedding! kevin sang a song to karen! it was so sweet! i like weddings. the bride's always so pretty, all the flowers smell so fresh and good and everything just seems so cheery and rosy! haha :)

anyway, i better try to get some work done. this is by far the most unproductive weekend i've ever had. i didn't get a single thing into my head. and it's two more weeks. i'm really not doing anything about the upcoming promos. ah what if i retain? my entire future is ruin! what will my parents say? what will my friends say? will they shun me? should i go to a polytechnic or remain in cjc? what if i get an F? i won't be able to get involved with church camp and enjoy my holiday! how am i supposed to ignore all those physical fatigue and distractions and all? i'm always so tired by the end of the day. how am i supposed to remember all the facts? what if i can't solve any math question at the promos? ugh! this is frustrating. even after the promos, i have to wait in agony for the much dreaded results. won't someone just drop all the answers to the promos in front of me? won't someone just give me some magic potion to passing?

one more thing. he finally opened his golden mouth :)

Wednesday, September 17, 2003 07:11 p.m.

"you cannot judge a man without knowing him well enough. and with the same measure you judge, it will be used back on you."

i went for dental today so i took the same bus as aveline and celestine. we laughed the entire journey! celestine and aveline were telling me about their stc days and it was so funny. we really couldn't stop laughing! haha. they have really comical stories about their classmates, a really short teacher with a really really loud voice, a mother pig teacher, their punishments, a extremely drama friend! haha! so many! then aveline was really nice to walk me to dental because she was afraid i'll get lost :) i really enjoyed their company so much! i'm really glad i got to know them better especially aveline. haha. haven't been laughing for like 40mins nonstop in a long long while :)

i'm over

Monday, September 15, 2003 08:50 p.m.

it hits hard that the promos are drawing nearer and nearer. we got the timetable today. i can't differentiate and i'm weak at integration. my trigonometry is horrible and i can't do certain other small topics. i understand no shit about rocks - sedimentary, igneous and metamorphic. i catch no balls for labour market.

although, it's becoming possible now that they might just lower the standards a little bit and allow us to promote with 1A,2AOs, it still makes no room for an F. and what's worst is there's no second chance. it's either you're in or you're out. right. good luck to me. it's time i be more self-disciplined and ignore all that physical fatigue and distractions to get on with my revision. there is simply no room for failure.

anyhow. suzy came back from america and got me a black nail harderner! :) product of the united states of america. suzy, hilary, claire, sarah and myself agreeded to paint our nails black one day and top it off with a top coat. it'll be absolutely stunning :) ah. black's cool. oh! and suzy also brought back some mini firecrackers too that got all of us playing it during recess, disturbing the construction workers and different people around our class. haha. really fun. and she brought back hugs too :) suzy! thank you for my black nail harderner and the hugs and the firecrackers! :)

Friday, September 12, 2003 12:54 p.m.

it's daddy's birthday today. happy birthday daddy dearest!!

last night, i was thinking of the many things i did with my father. i remembered when i was really young, he used to bring me to the pond at the east coast park to feed the fishes and tortoises with those left-over bread from home. haha and then i would use one of his cards to cut them up before feeding the fishes. then i remembered both of us took a trip up to sydney and melbourne when i was in primary 4. daddy was really excited about watching some kind of performance at the sydney oprea house but i kicked up quite a big fuss and was crying and all and daddy didn't get to enjoy the performance. i even have a photo of those red eyes at the oprea house. ugh. feeling so remorseful right now.

and even though we had our fair share of arguments, especially over my ear piercings and wants for a tatoo and a naval piercing and no doubt my lack of time managment. i really love my dad. i don't think i'll be able to live without him. he's taught me so many things! how to take buses in australia, how to navigate along the expressways in malaysia and the US, how to play golf, how to transit at airports.so many things! we've especially grown closer ever since i entered secondary school because mommy got busier with work and i'm really thankful for that. oh. and i'll never forget those morning car talks we had with each other. i remembered when i was in primary 1, daddy would wait downstairs for my school bus and he'll bring me to get an ice cream before we came home. and when i was in primary 2 (the morning session), daddy would drive me to school, park at the emerald hill carpark and walk with me to school. and he did that all the way till scgs moved to dunearn road. and every year, he would say the same old phrase " you go to school on your own this year. i'm tired of sending you" but he's never stopped sending me to school up till now. and he's never stopped asking me about the previous day in school and hearing me whine away the shopping blues, horrible people, stinky teachers and my terrible complexion.

and although i probably might never get used to the fact that my father wakes up far too early, has a liking to go on holidays and wake up early again to see the sunrise, has this thing for me switching off my mobile during service and doesn't understand that the fashion world has 4 seasons and i can't possibly go to oxford street in london once every 2 years only to shop for my entire year's collection of clothes, i still really love him.

i appreciate every single thing he has done for me. every small thing even. i'm extremely regretful for quarreling with him over the most petty matters because whatever he does is for the good of me. i think nothing can ever beat those memories i have of him and with him. he's the most devoted family man i've known. he's such a strong christian and a fine gentleman. he's really the best father any child can ever have. and i'm so proud that he's my father!

i love you daddy! :)

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 10:14p.m.

omg. you know what my sister just told me when i came home? she said that an ren(a boy in her sunday school class) swims with his fishes in the pond. haha. and he called kaye and andrea up in the middle of the night to talk to them about fishes and ask them what food he should feed his fishes. haha. he's super funny. i heard he talked to them till they fell asleep on the phone after an hour. oh and then just now claire told me on the phone that anren kept on asking her the entire day how long the bait would be for the sec2s fishing trip tomorrow. haha. how wierd. i think he really loves fishes but who actually swims with their fishes in their pond? goodness. haha :)

anyway. it was chris's birthday today! happy birthday chris! thank you for the dinner! yeah. chris treated ron, alex, lea, mich and myself to dinner tonight at the shangri-la hotel. some international buffet thing. it's like the best dinner i had in so long! we had fresh oysters, fresh salmon, delicious penang laksa and tempura and all! ah! i feel so fat now! haha. everything was so beautiful! me and lee got him a cake from the shangri-la bakery and all and since we put the cake on the table and there was a group of violinists that went around each table playing music and they saw it so when they came to us, they played us a happy birthday song and they even sang it! so cool! haha. then chris gave us his birthday speech. haha i think the best part was when he told mich something really sweet! ah. i'm so envious of her! haha

after dinner, we walked around the pool area and to the executive apartments side. ah it's so beautiful! haha. we even walked into the showroom! it's really so beautiful! i can't stop gushing about it! haha. it's like it's in move-in condition and everything's done up so nicely. they even provide the bed spreads okay! :)

oh and this afternoon! lea, alex ron and myself went to watch swat! colin farrell is such a hotie. haha. goodness. he's not that good looking but he has like screen charisma and charm? okay i'm talking noneness. and lea came over before we met them to dress up and wrap chris's present. and during that time, haha she gave me a long talk and knocked sense back into me. i'll start serious studying from tomorrow onwards till friday. no more playing. no more going out. besides my mother is coming back.

haha. omg. my maid is so lame. haha she brought in the orange juice she squeezed for me and i asked her why she was so short because she was complaining how short she was just now when she opened the door and you know what she said? " the ground likes me" haha. right.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 09:25 a.m.

i hate ~~today~~ the first few moments when i woke up this morning.

i woke up having such wonderful and familar dreams. it was scary knowing how real they were yet they were dreams that i know will probably never ever come true again. weren't dreams supposed to be windows to the future? would i ever have a chance to ever say " and they gave a shot at happily-ever-after again? "

why am i even craving for such a wrong desire. why am i even hoping. wasn't i strong? i build the walls around myself again when he left but why does it seem as if he has come back and start taking the bricks off one by one? i know i could live without him. i even told myself that. i proved it to the world. now why am i even hoping for a conversation with him?

should i destroy my own walls and go all out. or should i resist and continue building them. my mind's all up in a mess and it's all because of you.

one part of myself tells me that i should not be so strong. so full of pride. so wanting to be right. so heartless. eventually, i'll need someone one day. eventually i'll fall after much resistance. if my heart feels so strongly for it, i should fight for what was originally mine.

yet another part tells me that i should continue with my building of walls. i am strong but i do not need another heartache. i do not need someone who galavants around. i do not need someone who doesn't love wholeheartly.

i keep on telling myself. mind over heart. mind over heart. i am wanting something that is so wrong. but how can something that feels so right be so wrong?

oh help! save me from this trenches. gorge my heart out and leave me without feelings. i really see myself crumbling.

Tuesday, September 9, 2003 10:53 a.m.

oh my goodness. oh my goodness. oh my goodness. you know what :)

i was reading the life newspaper just now and all of a sudden, i saw my father's picture and some related article on his company. on the newspaper. oh my goodness. it was so shocking. i thought it was like some fake article that my father printed out or something like that and he left it on the dining table. oh my goodness. i think i said that like many times already. haha.go check out page eleven of the life newspaper. oh my goodness. it's so funny seeing my father in the newspaper.

i think i might just faint. this is so not morning news.

Sunday, September 7, 2003 09:59 p.m.

my heart cries out for something intangible.

as much as i hate to admit it. i wish we could go back to those unspoiled times in our relationship. before hurt ever touched our hearts. before doubt ever entered our minds. but i know we can't go back to those days. i know i can't earse the mistakes i made. i can't take away the questions you must have or the hurt that we both feel.

you said something that you can ~~never~~ take back. i'm wondering now, are you still thinking of me. i'm wondering now, can we ever go back and be us again. i'm wondering now, am i the only one that's hurting right now? Am i the only one wishing so hard?

just spent one and a half hours of the afternoon talking to nic on the phone. well, she told me he talked to her recently. funny how he's actually bothered to ask and perhaps even care. anyhow nicnic! i miss you so much! we had so much to catch up! we must go out someday alright? i have to see that special someone and i have to meet the entire sajc. i have to meet your class. i have so many things to do with you!

haha i really miss the times we spent with each other. the times when we comforted each other, when we knocked ~~some~~ sense into each other and the times we just bitch about anything that bothered us. haha. i can still remember that time when we went for a walk at the nature trail near her house. goodness. the trail was like only 1km but i think we screamed like 3 times? haha. i think the first time we screamed was because the entire trail was so quiet and all you can hear are the birds chirping and other nature sounds then all of a sudden nic's phone rang out some techno song. haha.oh and then we were super paranoid and all thinking we might get stabbed by this group of malay boys we saw walking towards our direction. so we picked up our mobiles from our backs just to prepare for an emergency call. really funny. haha then i think towards the end of the trail, a monitor lizard ran across our path and we just screamed at the top of our lungs and ran all the way out. i think the 3 old men who were fishing were like staring hard and wondering why they heard loud screams followed by 2 girls running out. haha. it was sooo embarrassing. goodness.

well that was one of the silly things we did when we were bored!

go read terence's blog. haha another incident on a fat person doing something extremely hilarious.

Friday, September 5, 2003 11:56 p.m.

just talked to yinching a few mins ago! goodness! it's been so long since we talked. haha miss her so much! :) still remembered i shared the same bed with her during prom night and we were having so much trouble adjusting ourselves while nic and mel adjusted themselves so easily :) haha. missed the times when we skipped sunday school lessons and only turned up during the games time :) haha.

Ching! we must meet up soon! :)

haha speaking about prom, i think the funniest happened in the middle of the night. ching, mel, nic and myself pushed the two beds together and me and ching shared one bed while nic and mel shared the other. haha. somehow during the night, i accidentally stretched my hands up and switched on the lights. haha that gave all of them a fright and i didnt know anything until nic threw a pillow at me and made me switch it off. haha the switch was like just above my head because we pushed the beds together. haha. you should see and hear the mumbles and grumbles in the middle of the night.i think i majorly woke them up without actually waking myself up. haha :)

good times indeed. i miss them all.

Friday, September 5, 2003 10:51 p.m.

something seemed to be lifted off my chest. like a big stone has just been pushed aside. like a freed captive. funny feeling really. maybe it's just the holidays. but the holidays spell mugging sessions for me.

went to ikea after the chinese mocks today for a end-of-school term dinner with sarah and terence :) haha. visual pleasure. if someone gave me an empty house and asked me to do it up, i'll probably decorate it with several stuff from ikea. maybe not. somehow ikea stuff are a bit plasterly and they look as if they'll not last that long.

oh! and hilary told me and a few others something this morning. haha. i kind of expected it but hil confirmed it. a target has emerged.only a few words for it. improve your hygiene and you might just get a few inches closer :) haha.

oh! by the way! :) my tag board's up and i did it all by myself. yay. haha feel so proud of myself. i'm finally begining to become more IT savvy. i see terence turing green with envy :)

Wednesday, September 3, 2003 07:03 p.m.

GP was horribly done. depleted all the energy i had. i don't think i'll be able to survive till the end of the week. really. 3 more tests and many more assignments.

oh my goodness. we saw another horror freak during the second break today. almost something like the butt flash the other time. why can't some people just close up? utterly disgusting.

ah! terence! stupid imitating copycat! stop being mean to me! haha. i just haven't shown my force yet. haha. maybe i was also waiting for suzy to come back to help me with my tagboard. but somehow, i think i'll do it on my own now. haha i've got the force :)

haha. may the force be with me.

Wednesday, September 3, 2003 06:42 p.m.

I wonder, Could it be,
When i was dreaming about you baby you were dreaming of me
Call me crazy,call me blind
to still be suffering is stupid after all of these time

I remember date and time,
september twenty second sunday twenty five after nine.
In the doorway with your case
no longer shouting
there were tears on our faces

And we're letting go of something special
Something we'll never have again
Why do we never know what we've got till it's gone?

Did i lose my love to someone better
And does she love you like i do?
i do, you know i really really do.
So sad but true, for me there's only you.

Tuesday, September 2, 2003 07:56 p.m.

" i weigh in at 48KG and miles was almost twice as big as 90KG. his eyes were small slits because his cheeks were so large ; his nose was upturned and he had a tiny little chin. All this gave him the appearance of a little pig. i thought it was cute at first. but the first time i saw him naked, i was so turned off i had to check the impulse to run. He was fat. but the clothes he wore quite successfully hide that. naked however, his tummy was the whole focus. it was a lily white and his belly button was so huge you could keep a goldfish in there. And when he walked about in his tight whities, it was a sad and cruel joke.
he was fastidius about the way he smelt, wearing the lastest fragrances in the market. it was not until i had a whiff of him au naturel that i understood why. i can only say that he smelt like bad raw meat. fat men smell bad for some reason. it oozes out of their pores. and because they have so much surface area and are so well insulated, fat men sweat more than normal.
I know that you cannot judge a person by his body fat. i don't suppose i was superficial, since i did date miles instead of rejecting him outright, in this world of eating disorders and poor self image, peer judgement is a dangerous thing."
Adapted : Cleo july2003.

i've actually been quite enchanted by this article. speaks really loudly what i want to say. like what today's GP lecture was on (prejudice and discrimination). i can't help if i'm biased towards fat people. i admit, i'm prejudiced. i admit, i often discriminate. But you see, i only discriminate if you've done me wrong.

is it called revenge? i don't think so. it is more of because of what you've done to me that resulted in this. you see, things don't happen because of a mere single factor.

i define fat as having bags of fats popping up from everywhere. for pockets of fats popping up from several places, i define it as a perfectly normal lady who has several problems areas. not fat.

don't like my definition? too bad.

right now, i can only think of one person that fits my definition perfectly.

too bad.

Tuesday, September 2, 2003 06:57 p.m.

has anyone caught the 9PM show on channel eight?

i think this is how the story goes.

a lady has one of the most perfect husband on earth. as a result, she's always telling her two other best friends about how good he is and her husband is always joining the three girls during their dinners and all because that lady is the only one married. the husband and one of her best friends went to thailand for a business trip and they were drunk and thus they kissed. from what i hear, the story will spiral and twist and the end result is that her best friend will end up with the lady's husband.

funny how men can at times be so bastardly. really. the lady introduced her best friend and thought that her husband and best friend could be good friends but her husband ended cheating behind her back and betraying her. The same goes to her bestfriend. fancy stealing her own bestfriend's happiness.

i think the worst is to be betrayed by the one you thought loved you and the one best friend you thought you had. at the same time.

Monday, September 1, 2003 02:31 p.m.

i'm begining to like the west side of singapore. went over to IMM at jurong yesterday with the usual cell group people for lunch and while waiting for everybody to arrive, i went into giant with my mom. goodness. goodness. it has everything! from automobile stuff to towels to stationary to fresh crabs and fishes! well that's what the salesman was saying. so interesting! terence even said that the chicken rice man in the foodcourt puts all the chicken and rice and everything all into a bowl! i want to go eat and see it! haha. i really like jurong area. it has everything i can't find here. but i still want to go back and visit the little hardware shop at jurong east! :)

suzy suzy! take care in america!! Have fun! :)

<< || >>