something borrowed, something blue.

Sunday, July 31, 2005 09:27 p.m.

Last night after bible quiz, I went over to my aunt's place for a very lovely and yummy dinner in memory of my uncle who passed away one year ago. And as I watched my cousin and my aunt serve up the dishes, I wondered if time does heal wounds.

I think it's not easy when you lose someone you love so dearly and have grown so fond of. I'm confident that time heals all wounds. It's just a matter of how long it takes. One year ago, the pain, grief, hurt and uncertainity was so thick. Today, I'm glad my aunt's not crying every waking moment. I'm glad she's gone back to cooking the dishes he loved to eat. For about 4 months, my aunt just refused to make tiramisu because that was my uncle's favourite dessert. I'm glad she's talking more about him now and about the things he liked to do and say and his various habits.

Well, anyway, after church today, I lunched with my dad and Sarah and we went down to Funan to get me a printer because my dad thinks that the printer is a necessity. I think my dad's spending habits and mine are almost identical even though we spend on different items so I don't see why he keeps on complaining about my spending habits but anyway. Came back home and I just slept till dinner time. I don't know why but I'm still feeling so tired. Right now, I have to decide what I want to wear for the week and pack them in, load my printer, print my notes, pack more toiletries and other stuff and seriously, it's damn sian. I can't think of another better word than sian.

Thursday, July 28, 2005 10:56 p.m.

This week doesn't quite seem like a school week. I thought I would have to stay in and go through lessons and all but I had 2 days off from school and I won't have to stay in till Monday night! Plus the fact that I can make appointments to go out at my whim and fancy just makes me feel like I'm back on holiday. I kind of like it this way because I think it makes adjusting back to school slightly easier. But I reckon that from next week onwards, it'll just be wham wham wham with work and readings and I would have to stay in till thursday night at least.

Anyway, went to watch Stealth today with Edmund after he was done with relief teaching and it's a not too bad show! There was hardly a solid plot but the action and all was rather good! We met Sandra for a japanese dinner at tanglin shopping center before coming home.

Back to school tomorrow! A 2 hour lecture and I'm done for the week! I'm praying I'll survive next week because this week, like I've mentioned, isn't quite a good gauge.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005 11:37 p.m.

My mum is complaining that my hair colour is too dark and now she wants me to get it lighten slightly! Like hello! Who was the one who warned me against colouring my hair blonde or red because it'll make me look like an ah lian? Mothers ah.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005 08:22 p.m.

My hair stinks. I went to get a cut and decided to colour it a slightly darker shade as well. I woke up too late today for my MacDonald's breakfast. I don't think I look good in green yet I have quite a few green shirts. The sun was way too hot today so I think it just sapped away all my energy.

I'm going out for dinner now with my parents. Hopefully we can pick up a pint of Ben & Jerry's on the way home because Sarah and myself finished it up on Sunday and I just feel like having something cold right now.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005 12:49 a.m.

You honestly don't know how good it feels to be back home. To have my own cold, dry toilet, to not have to lock my room door when I just need to go and use the toilet, to not have to walk 3 floors down and across a road just to pick up some food. You don't know how glad I was to be walking down Orchard this evening, to have pasta for dinner and to be somewhere central. Honestly, it really felt good!

School, thankfully, has been treating me well. I really can't stop thanking God that it's been enjoyable so far. I've met quite a few more scgs girls. Clare surprisingly stays just 2 doors down from me and she's in accountancy as well. Shuhui, who was my sec2 partner is in the business school. And there's still quite a couple of us from scgs. There's also some friends from jc so it's been quite survivable. I haven't really gotten the chance to be alone yet since all tutorials have been cancelled for this week but so far, it's been good, friends wise.

I haven't gotten the chance to even sleep on my bed also. Last night, I bunked over at LiQing's Hall because Sobia went home. Haha. It was really cold but I had a good time laughing with her and then struggling to wake up this morning! Haha. Had 2 lectures too and omg, the books we have to read are quite a bit to digest! I hope I can catch up though. Yesterday's financial accounting was dead b o r i n g. Today's organisational behavior and design was way way much more interesting, but yes, I'm hoping I can cope with the workload. Accountancy really sounds tough and I had difficulty following the lecturer while he talked about equity, assets and liabilities yesterday. Oh well.

Anyway, I'm off from school for the next 2 days because of flag day and cancellation of tutorials! I only have to go back on Friday noon for a 2 hour lecture so I'm really quite happy. I think because of what's been happening, I've been smiling quite abit more and I'm more cheerful! Haha. Right after school today, I went down to Orchard to meet up with Edmund and we had dinner at Cafe Cartel before walking around and ending up at Coffee Bean at Scotts for some after dinner coffee! So really, the past 2 days have been good! Thank you everyone for asking me how school was, reassuring me and offering some form of comfort and for just praying for me!

I'm going to sleep now! I realized I left my small, dirty, smelly pillow in the hall and I didn't bring home my charger, house keys, dirty clothes, bible study materials and my contact lens case. Haha.

Sunday, July 24, 2005 10:10 p.m.

I am starting school tomorrow! I'm slowly getting used to the idea and while I'm afraid I won't have friends and I won't be able to cope with my work or being away from home and whine about how NTU and its culture is so foreign to me, I think I'm truly excited to see what God has in store for me and what He'll show and teach me in the coming 3 years.

Many thanks to Edmund and Jac for their prayers today after shineforth. Also, thank you Melvin for that encouraging and inspiring email :)

Anyway, the weekend was a really packed one but a good one as well. I'm probably going to sleep soon even though school starts at 2pm tomorrow. Well, friday was spent running around, collecting boxes and buying stuff for bible quiz with Edmund before we went for cell. Saturday was clean-up-hostel-room with my mummy in the morning. Haha. My mum was so irritated that I took so long to clean the table that she ordered me to sit on the bed and not move and just took charge of everything and cleaned everything for me! 3 cheers for mummy! Haha.

After that I went down to Orchard for beef noodles and Yami Yoghurt with Jac and Gilly before I went over to Sandra's house in the late afternoon to prepare for bible quiz. We ended up staying there till around 230AM and by the time Edmund sent Joo Teng home, pumped his petrol and I showered, it was 4AM. Church in the morning and I'm glad that many from the sec2 class are going to be turning up for bible quiz! I moved my stuff into the hall today after lunch then headed over to my grandma's so I should be staying over from tomorrow night onwards unless someone comes up to pick me up!

Ok. LiQing says that the Accounting lecture tomorrow is not cancelled. Great! That means I start school at 1230PM instead. It's so confusing because I thought all lectures are cancelled for the day. Now, I don't know if my other lecture at 430PM is on as well. And I don't know anyone in that 430PM lecture so I'll be all alone. Oh well.

Back to school tomorrow! I really wonder what it'll be like.

Friday, July 22, 2005 12:28 a.m.

I hope today would be a better day.

I've calmed down quite a bit after writing the last entry but the horror and disgust is still within. I really needed to write all that and kind of let it out of my system when I read that article and I don't care if you think I'm over reacting or whatever because I still think it's chessy, low class and desperate. Hopefully, things will get better and I'll learn how to love my school, love what I'm doing and make friends. Besides, I don't really have much of a choice, do I?

Honestly, it's been quite tiring and emotionally draining the last 2 days. Sometimes, after doing something or talking to someone, I feel really optimistic, light and happy. But after a while, the feeling goes and I'm down and out, feeling so heavy, weak, burdened, overwhelmed, afraid, alone and all once again.

Thursday, July 21, 2005 11:42 p.m.

OH MY GOODNESS! CHECK THIS OUT!

In case you're too lazy to even click on it, the whole article is about 536 NTU undergraduates breaking the world record for the largest number of blind dates! HOW FRIVOLOUS AND SILLY IS THAT?

Does Harvard break this kind of stupid record? Is Cambridge attempting to break this kind of world record? They're busy recruiting the best professors in various fields to teach their students! They're busy trying to be the best school and not busy matching their students up and trying to break such a stupid world record! They're busy matching their students up with various corporations and universities around the world! They're busy trying to improve their school surroundings!

I feel utterly embarrassed just writing this down! Does that mean I'll see 268 more couples around in school? GET A LIFE PLEASE! Can we please try to do something more meaningful and something less chessy? LIKE HELLO!

I don't care if you call me a snob or an english speaking fat loser! I don't care if people had fun going on a blind date and making friends! I don't care if you think I'm over reacting! I don't care anymore! Do we have to make friends this way? Can't we play some sports and get people to make friends that way? Can't each block or hall hold some barbeque so that people will come for the food and in the process make friends? Can't we have inter-school games and pit the engineering students against the business students? There's plently of ways to get your school's undergraduates to make friends!

Do we have to get a name for ourselves like that? In my opinion, it just makes the university seem even more low class and cheeesy and I think it's not fitting of a university that is ranked 50th in the world! (If the rankings are even accurate!) Come on, we're a university! This whole event just makes the university sound so cheap, desperate and low class even if the aim of this whole event is to build ties and make friends! !

GIVE ME A BREAK PLEASE! Let us do something else to improve the reputation and the standard of the school alright! Let's be the most value added university! Let's do something to attract the best students and professors! Let us make a good name for ourselves so that people won't always think we're some boring chinese engineering university! Let's beat NUS! Let's have courses that will have our undergraduates so wanted and appreciated in the workforce! Let's link up with more world class universities for exchange! Let's have compulsory enrichment programmes that will teach the undergraduates how to carry themselves well and speak properly! Let's send in teams for physics olympics! Let's be the best business and engineering school in Asia Pacific!

Can we please stop doing stupid things like breaking the world record for blind dates or cheering in hokkien or playing stupid childish orientation games? PLEASE! I WANT A WORLD CLASS EDUCATION! I WANT TO BE PROUD OF MY SCHOOL! I WANT TO LOVE MY SCHOOL!

I so badly want S$320,000 to drop from the sky right now.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005 06:49 p.m.

I feel like crap right now. I'm tired, I'm in a total mess and I feel so unsettled, uncomfortable, scared, alone, lonely and whatever. I feel like I can't walk straight with my head up anymore because I seriously feel like crap crap and so big time lousy.

I don't even want to shower or change out. I just want to lie down on my bed, drink lemon juice, blast the music, listen to some hard core rock song and stare at the ceiling and hopefully this stinky feeling and everything horrible will just slide away and everything will be good once again.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005 06:19 p.m.

I'm starting school in 5 days.The reality is slowly sinking in. Thinking about school evokes a whole wide range of emotions and there's so much uncertainity, dread, apprehension and excitment in the air.

There's fear and worry that I won't be able to adjust back to school life after holidaying for the past 7 months, that living with someone else may not be that simple after all, that accountancy is really not what I'm supposed to be doing and that making friends and finding them will be difficult. The uncertainity of what's in store and whether the next 3 years will be good academically, socially, personally, spiritually, physically and emotionally does contribute to the fear.

Yet, there's a certain degree of anxiety and excitement. I'm truly venturing into unknown terrority and I think this is another big step out of my comfort zone which can be good because venturing out always helps me to grow. I'm going to be meeting people who have varied experiences and have different backgrounds and some may converse in a mix of english and chinese but are nonetheless still brillant and know what they want out of university life. I'm majoring in something I've never studied before and have no prior knowledge of. I'm going to be away from home, even if only for a few days each time. I might be given opportunities to grow and experience new things! I might end up with many friends, I might end up loving accountancy and business and I might just grow up even more and be more independent.

Another part of me feels really lousy too. I can't quite explain it. It's not that I look down on NTU or local universities in general, but I feel like I'm settling for something less and perhaps more inferior by going to a local university. I'm not saying that going overseas and studying is a bed of roses. I know it's hard to be how many time zones away from people you love and adjusting to a new culture and society takes a while and of course, I might be very naive in my thinking and logic and might only focus on the merits of going overseas but it really seems like I'm settling for something less.

It probably doesn't quite help that I got accepted by LSE and Chicago which were my dream schools. When I wrote my essays and all, I was so sure of what I wanted out of a university education and what I wanted to achieve, but somehow, it seems as if my ambitions and hopes of experiencing a new culture, being away from home, learning from the best professors (How cool is that to be taught and to be learning from a nobel prize winner?!) and conversing with people from various parts of the globe and learning more about their culture, their way of life and sharing my views and hearing theirs as well about the economy, the political system, the education system in their country, their view on religion and all and contributing to my dream school just died when I realized I wouldn't be heading to London or Chicago. I think that adds to the lousy factor because I'm so unclear of what I want out of a local education now.

I hope school turns out fine anyway. I can't imagine 3 years of drag, dread and hatred. I don't know. I'm supposed to be treasuring this last week and doing everything I want to do because I don't think I'll have another time to be that carefree but somehow, I feel like I should slow things down slightly. There's some sadness too that all this carefree days are coming to an end and I feel like I'm losing hold on certain things as well. Oh well, I cannot truly put it down in words my emotions and what I'm feeling and thinking about and I don't want to go on anymore.

Aye. Aye. Anyway, I'm going downstairs to play badminton with Edmund before we head out for dinner. Should be quite fun and I'm going to attempt to beat him. Haha. My sister might join us too and hopefully, I'll be able to lose some fats and yet not be that tired at the end of it. Haha.

Monday, July 18, 2005 11:04 a.m.

I had the best sleep in days! Yesterday morning, because of the rain, I woke up at 543AM and I kept tossing around in bed till it was time to go to church. And it didn't help that I slept at 130AM. I think my body clock's quite screwed so I better start having a fixed sleeping pattern.

Anyway, yesterday at church, the Sec2 sunday school class gave me a nice surprise! (so many surprises!) I walked into class and they had the lights and fans off and the next thing I saw was the birthday cake they bought for me! Cake was really yummy so thank you guys for the cake, the noise, the fun and the invaluable experience and exposure you guys have given me over the past months!

After church was lunch with the folks and Sarah and then we went shopping for bedsheets, pillows and a dress. I didn't know you could collect the keys for the hostel until I made a phone call to Aveline. But I guess I'll just move in next weekend and sort things out. I don't have much to bring because I'm coming home quite often too so I can always bring back the things I forget, Plus, I don't think I'm going to decorate my room and bring beanbags or a rug along. I'm still quite worried and scared about how living in a hostel will turn out. Oh well.

Shopping and walking around was darn tiring. Went to grandma's house for dinner and after that mum sent me to Novena Square to meet Edmund who was having dinner there with the church people who played games and then we both went down to Great World City to watch Fantastic Four before coming home. Realized last night it'll be another 18 more sundays before I can stay out and do anything I want again without having to worry about school the next day.

This week is my last week of holidays.

Saturday, July 16, 2005 12:41 p.m.

My sister is the ultimate cheapskate! Guess what she gave me for my birthday? The civil defence emergency handbook wrapped in a 40cents wrapping paper she bought from coronation plaza! HAHA. I couldn't stop laughing when she gave that to me last night and I went like "why the heck do you give me this!?" To which she replies, "In NTU, the engineering boys might mix the chemicals around and there might be a chemical explosion and a fire so you'll need to know what to do." I can't believe she's that thoughtful but I wish we'll stop quarrelling and fighting that often.

Yesterday was a good day with the shopping for bible quiz materials at concourse and brash basah complex (my first time there!) with Sandra and Edmund and the dinner afterewards. Had a very pleasant surprise after cell was over. I was talking to Charmaine and then the next thing I knew, Gilly's teeshirt was put over my eyes and Debbie and Cheryl were dragging me along with them. We somehow managed to walk all the way to the playground where they surprised me with a heavenly chocolate cake! So, thank you girls!

Thank you Jac, Gilly, Rebekah, Cheryl, Debbie and Weilin for last night, the company, the joy, the laughter, the sharing sessions, the stupidity and the friendship.

On a totally bimbotic note: Bryan's going to get married in about 6 weeks! Yay. So Jac's going to stay over the night before and we're going to dress up and go for his morning wedding! It's going to be so much fun! :)

Ok. I'm off for lunch and some shopping with my mummy before I go for cell leader's meeting later at 4. Things are looking slightly better on the personal front (not school front, mind you) but there's still some worry because I don't know what to expect in the coming weeks and I don't know what's going to happen.

Friday, July 15, 2005 08:17 a.m.

I can't sleep again. Slept at around 1AM last night because I was on the phone and I was up at around 630AM. I have no idea why my mind doesn't want to stop running for a while. Anyway, thank you all for the birthday gifts, cards, flowers and greetings. Had alot of pleasant surprises yesterday and it really was an excellent day!

Am going to be meeting Edmund after he's done relief teaching at Barker and then we're meeting Sandra to buy some bible quiz materials before she brings us out for dinner at sushi tei later before cell and I got driving and lunch with friends so it's another long day. I can't believe school's starting in a week's time! I remember just typing it down not long ago that I had like 30 days before school starts but now, I'm just left with 9 days! 9 days! Horrors.

I'm so going to pack the week ahead. So far, I've catchups over breakfast with friends on 2 days, sleepover, bible study, cell, brunch with Lydia, lunch and shopping with my dearest cousin who's back from the UK, lunch with Gilly and Jac, movie, labrador park and badminton with Edmund and I want tea, shopping and icecream with Gilly (Gill you heard that?!, Jac, you too!) and I need to go shopping because I got hongbao money (hehe) but yes, I still have some free time so I want to see everyone before I start being a slave to the books again and have no time for anyone or anything and cannot so freely just take a 4 min train ride down to Orchard.

By the way, I've got rollerblades! Hooray! Rollerblading anyone?

Tuesday, July 12, 2005 06:34 p.m.

But as with elevators, Love, and all things that lift us away, we cannot speed their arrival by pushing.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005 08:57 a.m.

I can't sleep! I'm so tired but my mind's running another marathon! Sent Jordan off last night at the airport and there was this huge bunch of people at the airport! Had Swensens ice cream after he left and I was talking to Xiao Hui and Charmaine and it was comforting yet inspiring at the same time just sitting down there listening and talking to the 2 of them. I'm still trying to frame my thoughts about university, going overseas and all so I'll just write it another time.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SELENA DEAR!
Congratulations on passing your driving test! lovelove!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAN!

Can't decide between Sentosa with the older church people today or to work for my dad this afternoon because he needs some help. And this evening, if I'm not asleep, I'll join Selena for her birthday dinner at Indochine Wisma!

Monday, July 11, 2005 03:07 p.m.

Yesterday, 2 people pissed me off real badly and I was in a foul mood and it didn't quite help that I was physically very tired. So because I was pissed off with the 2 people, I ended up snapping at my mum and dad and didn't bother talking to my dad when he was trying to talk to me during lunch yesterday.

While I was sleeping last night, I somehow had this dream which was quite freaky and scary at the same time. I dreamt that my dad had only a week left to live and he was trying to talk to me and spend time with me but I kept showing him a black face and ignored him. Then 7 days went by and the next thing I know, my dad was gone. At that time, I remembered I was sobbing really badly and kept blaming myself for having so much pride that it prevented me from spending his last hours with him.

So I woke up this morning, feeling very crappy but rather determined to pretend nothing happened yesterday and put aside my pride and talk to my father during dinner. Somehow and thankfully, my dad called at noon and asked if I wanted to have lunch with him. Didn't want to because I was tired but decided it'll be a good opportunity to set things right. He made me wait for like 40 minutes and I was rather fed up when I went into the car and so I didn't really talk to him again.

Well things turned out well in the end. Didn't really talk during lunch and had a string of "I don't knows" when he asked me what I wanted to eat for lunch and what I did in the morning and where I went and all that but we ended up talking alot about Shanghai and school over toast and coffee at Ya Kun after lunch and he even took my mobile with him so that he could repair it for me even though I know he's so busy with work (my mobile's spoilt). I don't know why I'm writing this but one part of me is feeling really happy right now that at least I'm back having a normal relationship with my dad and I ain't showing him my black face. Another part is really thankful that I have a dad that cares and bothers to talk the first step to break the silence. Amazingly, my heart doesn't weigh that much all of a sudden after we talked.

I realized also that I really have to learn how not to pass and spread my anger around because it doesn't make things better for me and other people. Just because 2 people pissed me off real badly (And I'm still fuming mad with them) doesn't mean that I have to go around and show my black face and think the whole world owes me a living to another 2 other people. I think I also need to learn how to be more accomodating, forgiving and patient and I definitely need to learn how to control my temper and not snap at people so easily. Now, I probably need to chuck away my pride again tonight and talk to my mum.

Sunday, July 10, 2005 05:38 p.m.

Just this afternoon on the way home from lunch, I just felt so tired. The weekend was packed and when you're just runnning around from one place to another and jumping from one thing to another, you don't actually feel the tiredness till things actually slow down. And for a second, I was glad that the weekend was coming to an end and I wouldn't have anything on later in the day.

Tried Pilates yesterday and omg, the backflip is really cool but I can't do it. Which means my stomach muscles are like crap! It looks really cool and I wouldn't mind going for lessons because it tones your body up! Met Gilly for lunch at Paragon and we just sat and talked and then walked to Scotts to get Yami Yoghurt before we went to ACJS for cell games! I had fun playing games and we even won 2nd place!

Went back down town again with Gilly and Jac because we were intending to have Yami Yoghurt again but decided against it and just walked around till I went over to my Aunt's place for another family dinner. After dinner was really entertaining because we decided to try out the pilates workouts and some of my Aunts have been doing it for quite a while so they were demostrating then we got my cousin who was in the NS to try it too and he couldn't do it! Haha. Had a hula hoop competition afterwards and it was hilarious! I am the best hula hooper above 18years old in my mum's family! Everyone else could only do a few rounds before the hoop fell. Haha. Then the kids came out from the study room and they started showing off but they were really good because they could walk around with the hoop and all that! Haha.

Church this morning then had lunch afterwards. I'm just giving a recount of the entire weekend probably because I don't know what to write and my brain's in stone mode right now so my fingers are just doing the work.

Thursday, July 7, 2005 06:28 p.m.

Went out shopping with my 9 year old cousin yesterday and my other cousin who managed to get off yesterday and today because he had been doing quite a bit of night duty. Bought 2 belts but shopping with them is a nightmare! We spent a huge portion of our money on food! We started off having crystal jade, then delifrance, burger king, sushi, fishball noodles, laksa and yakitori! The guys are really bottomless pits and I was so fed up we kept on stopping to eat! Haha. But it was still good because the 2 of them are really comical plus we had a car so we didn't have to walk from Borders to Taka :)

Went back to my Aunt's place after that for dinner and to watch the IOC announcement ceremony! I'm glad London won! Just look at their video presentation just before the announcement! They managed to weave in the sights of their city with sports! Paris was quite good but they just mainly showed the sights of their city and they didn't have alot of high profile ambassadors! Also, I think Tony Blair speaks really well! Beckham doesn't quite have a manly voice though. Haha.

Anyway, off to Bible Study. Didn't go last week and I miss it. It's our last week doing the Old Testament and after that, I think reading will be slightly easier since we're on to the New Testament! Totally random but I'm left only with $3.10 right now and I'm just wondering how much my Dad will give me when I start school because I'm always left with only a few dollars by Thursday and always always have to be nice and beg for money when the weekend comes.

Tuesday, July 5, 2005 10:29 p.m.

Had to babysit my 9 year old cousin who is back from America today and it was quite enjoyable! We were supposed to go swimming and play tennis but after lunch, we decided to watch Bourne Identity and The Pacifier and then since it was still too hot, we went out with my other cousins and we drove to Labrador Park for some walking. I didn't realize that the place was so beautiful! It's just next to the sea so the sea breeze makes the place really cool and we climbed the long flight of stairs and got this magnificent view of Bukom, the sea and all and it was so pretty! To top it all of, we saw a rainbow! Went out for dinner before coming home.

My cousin likes David Beckham but supports Arsenal and today he asked me if I needed to get a haircut. At first, I thought he was crazy because I never knew he cared about hair plus I just had a cut a few weeks back. And he was so excited because he wanted to introduce me to this hairdresser at Shangri-La where my Aunt cuts her hair (he gave me the namecard!) and that was when I was almost certain he was crazy. Later, I realized that he wanted to bring me there because David Beckham was staying there and he wanted to go check him out and I couldn't stop laughing after that! Haha. He's so adorable!

Monday, July 4, 2005 10:48 p.m.

Went out with Jac for some shopping today. I saw a few things I like so I just need to bring mummy along. Haha. I really want to get it but I think my mum will say I have too much clothes already. Had dinner and chit-chatted at Mos Burger before we came home. It's was really nice hanging out with Jac and I'm so looking forward to the weekend when Jac, Gilly and myself are able to just hang out, catch a movie, eat and stayover at my place!

I'm actually glad I pulled out. Don't think I'll survive it anyway and I really hated it on Saturday. Besides, my dad thought I shouldn't waste my time and should do something more productive! All of a sudden, there's less dread and seriously, I feel so liberated, free and happy! Slightly glad also because I got word today! :)

Yesterday on the newspaper, they had this article on Singapore teens grading their fathers and the conclusion was that Singapore Dads only deserved a C-. I thought it was quite funny and true at some parts but rather sad too. Do the teenagers in Singapore really think so lowly of their Dads or are their Dads really that bad? It's so true that my dad has zero fashion sense as evidenced by the clothes and bags he buys for me when he goes on his business trips but it's not true that my Dad doesn't know the names of my friends and he doesn't know what's happening in my life!

I really don't think I'll give my Dad such a low grade. I can safely say he knows at least 75% of what's going on in my life and he's a very important figure in my life. I'm actually glad I got my dad and not some other Dad. Sure he might not be a millionaire or the most goodlooking father around but he works hard to feed his family, cares and loves his family and tries to provide them with the best he can, he prays for the family, helps me with decisions to the best of his ability, he doesn't gamble, smoke, drink excessively or womanize and most importantly, he loves and fears God. What's more, my Dad taught me so many things, brought me to so many places, bought me so many things and I don't quite think I'll like going to bible study and all if not for my dad not bringing me to BSF at first. Honestly, I think, my dad deserves an A! (No A* because he still doesn't know what clothes to buy for me! HAHA)

Saturday, July 2, 2005 07:04 p.m.

Had pre orientation meeting this afternoon and then I left after 2 hours and went down for tea with my mummy and we did some shopping. She got me a new bag and then I accompanied her to Marks and Spencers to get strawberry jam and some tea biscuits.

I don't know what to say about my experience today. I don't want to have this fixed mindset about particular things and situations because I want to be very open about this new chapter in my life regardless of what everyone says or what I heard before. But I don't know. It just wasn't good today. I don't know. Cheap? Lonely? Alone? No class? Difficult? Alienated? Chinese-fied? Miles away from what I know, what I'm comfortable with and what I've been exposed to? I don't know. I want to be a hermit but I don't think I should do that either? I want to get out of camp but I don't think I should do that too. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I just know I don't like it right now.

I want to talk to you right now too.

I realized also that shopping is really just a temporary escape. Was pleasantly happy choosing a bag just now and discussing with my mum what colour I should get but the minute I got into the car, everything just came back again. It takes away my fears, worries and all the dread, loneliness and all within me for a while but after I get away from the fun of shopping, it all comes rushing back again.

Maybe that's why many say that knowing God is different. The joy, hope, peace and so much more that comes from knowing God and His Word lasts forever.

Going out for a seafood dinner with my mum's family again. Hopefully, it's the seafood place at Ang Mo Kio because that really is the best place to have seafood even though it's crowded, dirty and hot! Plus, they have my favourite crab noodles and it'll be nice to eat it after today.

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