09:41 p.m. one more thing. i'm going to redo my golf PC test. hello. who even fails their PC test? did i also mention that i'm going to run? no longer to lose weight. but only because running will probably enrich me with an alert mind. 09:09 p.m. "Everyday they pass me by I can see it in their eyes Empty people filled with care headed who knows where Only they go through private pain living from fear to fear Laughter hides their silent cries only Jesus hears People need the Lord. People need the Lord at the end of broken dream, he's the open door People need the Lord. People need the Lord When will we realize, people need the lord " I've been backsliding tremendously in my faith. Somehow this song just touched my heart. It made me realized that in this world, where nothing's lasts forever and you're being swayed by everything, the Lord is there. He will never forsake you nor will he leave you. i'm glad that bible study classes are starting again and i'm going back to cell. I've no idea if it's because of my backsliding or what. but somehow i feel like i'm trapped in this dark tunnel. where there are no openings for light to penetrate through. everything seems to be falling apart. i see myself drawing deeper into my own hole. i somehow lose interest in everything. i'm not dancing for the line-in-dance class competition. don't ask me why.i thought that this dance was something i wanted. somehow i feel i've lost that 'hannah'. that vigour. that spirit. i'm so dull. so low. I really don't understand why i'm feeling all these. i don't even know why i have to feel all these. i just want to get out of this stupid feeling. i want back that spirit. that determination to do things. that feeling that i usually feel. why oh why. why must things turn out this way? i want a break from my life. i want to escape and run away. i just want to drop everything and leave them as they are now and come back after a while and find that everything is back to normal. is it because of my dull spirit lately that everything seems to be turning away? are what i'm feeling just little dark valleys of life? will i ever get out from this pithole? away from my drowning sorrows. i donated blood today. what prompted me to? i also don't know. somehow i felt that perhaps when my body regenerates new blood, perhaps the old me would come back? shallow thinking? perhaps. somehow all the dramas of donating blood numbed my feelings. got to get down to studying for geography test tomorrow. still have 2 handouts to go and 4 more lectures. am i lying? no. if i actually tell people i didn't finish studying all but yet managed to attain an AO pass, would they believe me? would i be termed liar? the complexity of human nature. before i leave. i have to write down my recess horror. i experienced first class porn. want to know more? think fat. think flash. think butt. think gross. think ah pui. that's sums it all up. 05:46 p.m. went out for lunch with melvin after school. before that, i accompanied him to the clinic to get his hepB jab done. haha :) it's the first time i saw him in pain. going to meet ron in slightly more than an hour. he's going to take me to have my favourite noodles and dao(3) hui(1)!! i miss him. i miss his noneness. i miss the times when he stuffed me with food.i miss poking him. I MISS RON! :) IPW was a total waste of time again. i have to say that the new econs lecturer is really not bad. at least i'm finally getting something out of the lectures. our class is so not cut out for studying. it's so warm. there's just no wind that is 'flowing' into the classroom. shouldn't the school do something about it? CJC's discipline system is really bad too. i think going for detention for every little wrong that you did is another total waste of time. why can't they just adopt the demerit point system? i think there's a reason for why people actually rebel against the system. the school spends so much time going after ankle socks, short skirts and late-coming that the students spend that five minutes between lessons running away from teachers. shouldn't the school divert all the teacher's time catching students into something more productive. every school should have some code of discipline, but it shouldn't end up that discipline takes first place and academic stuff second. really. am i actually making sense? why can't we even wear ankle socks? why be so particular about everything. would it give brother paul any pleasure if all his students cared only about long skirts and knee socks and not about their work? which leads me to another thing i've been thinking about. just yesterday, i was reading the july issue of cleo magazine. there was this article that got me thinking. it was about this girl who after dating an extremely fat guy, got turned off and swore off dating fat guys for the rest of her life. and the reader's poll at the bottom was extremely disturbing too. 4 out of 5 girls said they'll probably not date a fat guy. does that mean that majority of the fat guys will be left on the shelf in the future? what's worst is that the obesity rate is rising. what's going to happen? why are fat people being discriminated? on a lighter note. mommy and i combined forces today. haha! :) she said i had to clear my drawers because there was just too much rubbish. i cleared them but i didn't know where to put all those makeup. haha so we combined forces and i put them all in mommy's black makeup bag! so fun. haha after that, we went through the whooleee pile of makeup. then we realized we have alot of warm shades :) yay. so now mommy's going to get the cool shades to even things out in our little makeup bag! :)mommy was like telling me which were her favourite shades and her favourite lip colours and all! ooh! and we're going to top up our lipsticks too! :) the nice shades are all running out. haha. tomorrow we'll be stock piling our nail polishes together :) yay! can't wait. okay. got to go get ready now. i'm so excited haha. it's so long since i met him and i miss him!! :) how many times have i actually said i miss ron? :) later!! 08:16 p.m. we changed the seating arrangement in class today. i'm still with suzy, claire and sarah. we're right in front now though. oh well. i seriously hope that the four of us will be able to do well. we definitely can do it. went out with sarah after school to study. and she was talking to me about her love life and i gave her some comments. my comments, made me realize how mean and cold i can be. i do know that i actually don't have a heart, and use my head to think about everything. i completely numb my feelings and have absolutely no love for anything. i feel stone cold. i find myself so success-driven. i want to see results. results in everything. is that supposed to be good? i set such high expectations for myself, my studies, my life and all. and what happens when i don't meet those expectations. i feel frustrated. infuriated. i get frustrated when things don't go my way. even at the weather. i don't even know why. i just can't take disappointments. even minor ones. why. alright. what noneness am i sprouting anyway? i'm going to get down to studying. yes indeed. i think i shall reward myself with a chocolate buffet after the exams. yes. i must push myself all the way. forget everything else. forget the tiredness, forget the social activities. nothing else matters more than producing the A, B, C that you desire and long for. i'm off. 11:12 p.m. school was extremely long today. it just seemed as if time was passing so slowly. ohh we learnt line dancing today during PE. it's so fun. i no longer believe that it is a old woman's sport. it was actually a bit difficult to catch up with the steps in the second dance but after more practise, it became so easy that you could like do it without looking at the teacher. really cool. which kind of affirms the fact that practise makes perfect. yes. more math practise, perfect grades. went out with gabriel after school! I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!:) it was such fun going out with him again. he's grown slightly taller, more mascular and has drier hair.the only thing that hasn't changed about him is that he's still that little brother to me, and i always have to look out for him :)haha. man, we totally just pigged out. we had some japanese noodles first, walked over to wisma for shaker fries from macdonalds. we had a race to see who would finish the fries first, and i won, because i took his fries which were obviously lesser. haha so he got me ice milk tea from mos burger :) haha. we're going to go out again on tuesday to have waffles. yummy :) we met kenneth wee on the way too. that guy has grown alot too. he's like 187cm now? but still has skinny as ever :) haha. there's flag day tomorrow and then PTM. my oh-i-thought-so-successful plan for PTM kind of failed. i have no idea which parent of mine is going for the PTM. dad's kind of pissed off i didn't consider the fact that mom has an appointment at four and i took the time slot that is at 3.45PM. oh well. i don't know lah. my parents don't seem the least bit interested in it.they're just soo busy. i just feel like asking my maid to go on their behalf. ah! my cousin is back too! yay. more shopping. more food. more clothes. more noneness. more fats. more ice-cream treats. more presents. more sleepovers. more fun. more swiming. more time out. more everything. she's cool :) i can't wait to see her! :) 10.50 ohhh. i moved to pitas. thanks to suzy :) nothing much happened in school today. oh well, we had a free period because mr.low wanted to see only the people that took elective geog in secondary school :) but we still had to do our chinese corrections. that chinese teacher is so extremely particular about the chinese file. without fail, she enters class every time asking about our chinese file. whats with her and the chinese file? had ipw period today. it's extremely time consuming and getting a rather stressful. spent just the entire period re-organizing the file because we have to hand it up on friday. well, i wonder if anybody would actually care about this project if not for the fact that it will constitute 10% of our university admission. it's not that i'm not interested in this project or what. we have a rather interesting topic(subliminal influence) but it's just that i feel that one of the main reasons why people are putting effort into doing this is because of the gains at the end of it. then what happens if you don't intend to go to NUS? would you put in your utmost best? i like my project. i just can't stand the fact that you have to be meticulous about the entire thing. from content page to acknowledgements. after school, went down to novena to meet melvin and terence to study. well, we were successful in that. managed to complete the entire perfect competition notes and 2 lectures from geog. yay. haha then after we finally decided to go home at around half past seven, we spent at least a good 10mins looking up at the ceiling of novena sq. and then myself and melvin spent another 15mins arguing on the fastest way home and after that, we still have to wait with terence for his train. haha. after much much persuasion, melvin finally decided to walk with me to my house bus-stop before he took a bus back to his house. haha. the walk to that bus stop would actually take only 10mins? if not for melvin stopping and complaining about how high the hills are and how tired he is and whatever. we even had to argue over on which side of the road we should walk on. the one with the shelter and the one without. haha :) we had such an interesting conversation like how someone would roll down the huge hills and i'll stumble unto that someone and how we should walk down that long road and walk to midpoint of our house and how it is so dark and i'm not scared. haha :) melvin can really crack me up :) okay. i've got to go continue with my project work. oh suzy! :) i'm hoping you're doing fine. i miss you so much in school. and yes claire finally slice my veins today and drained my blood pink :) grin. take care yeah? :) later.