She speaks...

Thursday, April 4, 2002 10:56 p.m.
o_O ...

Thursday, April 4, 2002 10:40 p.m.

Which Rainbow Brite kid are you? By Growing.

Wednesday, April 3, 2002 09:59 p.m.
Nine days to go... nine days left til Animania is done and over for Dan, Sangita, and I. I'm starting to feel *happy* about it. Like I can close this chapter and begin a new part of my life. I feel like I've been trying to shut out this part of my life since Meghan left, but haven't really been able to because it hasn't really been my turn until now. It's exciting! I can watch anime again without feeling guilty if it isn't something the club should consider showing... I can have Dan to myself for awhile and not have to share him with the demands that being president of the club and trying to sub the running series at the same time have placed on him... I can have the almost certain pleasure of watching Sangita realize what FREE TIME is! ^_^!! ... Did we do right by those who are still there? Did we do right to not let the club die when everyone else walked out? I certainly hope so. ... I know I didn't do everything I should have done, and I know that I certainly can't take credit for any of the good things that we are leaving in our wake... they are the result of Dan's good leadership and Sangita's crackerjack organization skills. But I guess the best thing is... that for the first time in my life... I've realized that I don't want the credit. I don't want the pat on the back or the smile of approval. And I really do think that it's the first time that I've ever felt content to just fade away.

Thanks, Animania. You taught me some hard lessons... but it was worth it. The hardest lessons often eventually yield the sweetest rewards.

Friday, March 29, 2002 08:50 a.m.
Work Quote of the Day:
extremely noisy planetarium group is being rude
Emily: "You all need to quiet down so I can answer this question."
Stupid Teacher: "Yes, sometimes yelling is not very nice."
Emily: "Actually, I don't think yelling is ever very nice."
Stupid Teacher: "..."

Wednesday, March 27, 2002 08:32 a.m.

Which HP Kid Are You?

Monday, March 25, 2002 11:38 p.m.
It's not getting what you want... it's wanting what you have.

Thursday, March 21, 2002 09:35 p.m.

You're Aoki Seiichirou!
You are one of a dying breed... a true gentleman (or gentlewoman, as the case may be). You tend to be a little disorganized and scatterbrained, but your heart is always in the right place. While you aren’t always the one who gets the most attention, you are sweet, dependable, and extremely loyal to your loved ones. Your family and friends are very important to you, and you will go to any length to protect them.
Which Dragon of Heaven are you?
Quiz by Kerianne

Wednesday, March 20, 2002 10:22 p.m.
Happy first day of spring! ^_^ It certainly doesn't feel like spring just yet (especially with snow on the way tonight!) but I'm sure it will be here soon enough. Then I can throw open all the windows in my apartment on some bright and breezy Saturday, dust away the cobwebs lurking in the corners, break out all the cleaners and sprays, and make everything fresh and clean again. Seasaidh and Orin will be a year old in May, and officially no longer kittens - maybe I should have a birthday party for them after all my spring cleaning is done. ^_- Actually, Orin wouldn't like that very much... although Seasaidh might enjoy it. Every day it's a little warmer, every day it's a little closer to Animania liberation, and every day we get closer to seeing Meghan! Now *that's* looking on the bright side. I guess it's just been a nice day today. ^_^

Tuesday, March 19, 2002 09:37 p.m.
"I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am"
-Jessica Andrews, "Who I Am"

"How long can a girl be tortured by you
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
How long can a girl be haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name"
-Alanis Morissette, "Flinch"

How is it that both of these excerpts fit today of all days? It's not even just today... How can I feel so much better about myself than I used to, and still be shackled by guilt linked to long past events and wrong-doings... Raymond... SCA... Meghan... *shrug* At least I *am* feeling better about myself. That's important! I'm getting there... one step at a time.

Ever notice how if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other you eventually get to where it is you're going?

...

Unless, of course, you're on a treadmill. ^_-

YES ladies and gentlemen, she DOES still have a sense of humor! Wai wai! ^_^

Monday, March 18, 2002 10:17 p.m.
I wrote this when I was a freshman in high school. Scary.

Look at you-
Standing there
The raging wind
Flying through your hair.
It rips apart
All hopes and dreams
It will take yours, too
Or so it seems.
You stand there,
Blind as night today,
You see not how
The wind will sway
The dreams of a mortal
The dreams of a fool
The wind can break
Each tiny rule.
I call out,
But you're deaf to me
It takes you,
And it makes you bleed.
You scream in fright
I cry in pain
Though only one dies,
Both have been slain.
And you leave me here
To stand alone
On this place
Where the wind has blown.
~little Sarah, age 14

Sunday, March 17, 2002 10:55 p.m.
The problem, I've decided, is tables. I don't know how to use them. I don't know how to organize them. I can see what I want the page to look like, in my head... I just can't translate it into the code it needs to be in. *sigh* ._.

Sunday, March 17, 2002 10:14 p.m.

I am Mr Do. I am sedentary by nature, enjoying passive entertainment, eating when the mood takes me, and playing with my food. I try to avoid conflict, but when I'm angered, I can be a devil - if you force me to fight, I will crush you. With apples. What Video Game Character Are You?

Sunday, March 17, 2002 01:16 p.m.

Wowie! You are Lumos! You're a lot of fun and pretty damn cool, and you do things your own way. You may often be in a fantasy world, but that's just fine with you! Most likely you're also a big Harry Potter fan (who isn't, right?).

Sunday, March 17, 2002 01:07 p.m.
This was actually written the night of March 14, 2002. Pitas issues forced me to postpone posting.

====

Sometimes stream of consciousness is a good thing, but sometimes you say things you don't mean to say... .so I'm a little nervous about what ends up in this entry tonight. Maybe it'll be weird, or not something I want others to see, or something like that, but who knows? And part of me likes the fact that I'm never quite sure who's reading, who's not, and such. I miss Meghan and I feel guilty that I didn't send her birthday present before her birthday - it was dumb of me. But at least Dan and I can send it together, and that makes me feel better because I always feel better when we do things together, collaborate, etc. Because it jsut feels right. Sometimes I think that this blog might help jog that part of me that used to love to write, that used to turn out poetry by the pound, and creat 100 page Word documents of pure, un-edited teenage anger and angst and internal emotional suffering. A big part of that is gone now, not that I'd want the angst and uncertainty back in my life or anything, it's just that I miss being able to put feelings in words and find ways to share them with those I might not otherwise except through those words. I can't remember the last time I wrote a poem - it must have been ages ago, maybe freshman year of college, at the latest. It must have been then, but I don't remember. And it's been even longer since I wrote a story that I didn't have to write for stupid Professor Balducci in creative writing. Although I did learn that I like writing for kids in that class. I almost feel guilty that I accidentally stole her copy of Peter Rabbit in Italian. Almost. I feel like she owed me something other than outlandish, not helpful criticism. Oh well. Maybe it helped, but I don't really think so. I don't know if I want to write a picture book or a novel or easy readers or what. Mom keeps saying easy readers are the way to go, but I want to be able to write for kids like Bruce Coville does, or Robin McKinley, or any of the other fantastical, fairy tale authors there are. I always wanted to write fairy tales. But I don't think the one I want to write has presented itself to me yet. I hang on the words of Coville and others, but it almost feels like they got to the good stories first, which is truly utterly ridiculous, ne? Oh well. It'll come, I keep telling myself that and I keep writing in this blog because at least it's writing and at least that's doing something, if not fictional. I don't think I could write non-fiction - I'm not secure enough in anything except my own self to write about anything real. Except maybe me, but who would want to read about me. *laughs* That would be quite the ego trip! Whatever. My room is a mess and it bothers me because I know that Dan's isn't, and someday I want to share a room with him and I don't want him to dislike me or the way I am around my own space. I'm so afraid of that since in a lot of ways things like that drove Meghan and I apart. I don't want Dan to leave - I know he wouldn't, but others have said that too, and they did. But Dan is different. I know it. On my floor there are piles of laundry that I have no will to do - my desk is littered with old paper, pens that don't have ink anymore, and pencils the cats have chewed on. There's a stuffed pands next to the moniter. Seasaidh is asleep next to the printer - I think I've finally managed to teach her not to sit on my hands when I'm typing - silly kitty. I wonder if the clacking bothers her? I guess not if she's still there - she would go away if it did. My bookshelves seem strangely empty because most of my books are still at my parents' house - an odd place for them, since I have room for them here... Maybe next time I go there I'll bring the books back with me - that would be good. Maybe writing will be easier with all my old paperbacks around me. Yeah. My new Starsailor CD is sitting in front of the keyboard, and I can see the track list. Some of the titles are really misleading adn some of them are right on the money and sometimes any of the music I listen to makes me want to cry it's so real and wonderful. Why don't I play my cello anymore? That was dumb of me I think, to not play in college, but I was so busy with other things and I didn't think I'd miss it that much but I was wrong. It certainly shouldn't be too late to go back, but I would need to get my instrument restored as I'm sure the crack in the front has grown since high school. *sigh* I try not to think about the things I loved to do in high school because I don't do them anymore, like theater and orchestra and hanging with those people (except Melanie who I can't wait to see around my birthday because I miss her so much and have been horrible about keeping in touch with her!!!) but then I remember why I love my life now... I have my Dan, and I have a good job with nice co-workers and my own place and the kitties and so many blessings that I never bother to count, but I should? Maybe? God isn't really in my life, so should I be counting blessings? Or is that all the more reason to count them? I don't really know. Once upon a time when I was almost pagan, I think I felt the closest to spirituality than I ever have. Once upon a time when a certain bible thumper named Erica was preaching to me about Christ and His teachings, I felt the farthest away - mostly because I felt inadequate. But how does one not feel inadequate in the face of organized religion? Isn't that the definition? I guess not in most cases, but it still seems that way. I wonder where this path leads? I wonder .... "I knew I loved you before I met you, I think I dreamed you into life..." Sometimes I think that God might come into my life sometime later...maybe after kids... and I certainly hope that s(he) comes to both me and Dan, because that's something that maybe we could share, and I think that would be a wonderful thing. But only when the time is right, and only when we're ready, if we ever are. I could never be an atheist, but I think that right now, God and I aren't quite ready for each other yet. Or maybe I'm just the one not ready. I wasn't ever ready for anything on time, except school, which according to Mom I was ready for early, but you know moms... they exaggerate quite a bit you know... purring kitty sleeping on my printer... maybe she has the right idea and maybe I should go to sleep, because my fingers are starting to hurt from typing. I'm pretty proud because I typed this whole thing without stopping to think about anything, and without correctinhg hardly any typos (apologies for those). I don't think I'll go back and read this... I'll just post... night...