I managed to get most of the food items on my list and did half my laundry but the rest will have to be done tomorrow. I managed to get some bagels and deliver debate evidence to the school. Over all my day was going pretty well until I took a nap...

(This part of the entry can be ignored... its just me being bewildered at the today's events)

On a general basis I'm a very forgettful person, I tend to leave things out on counter tops because I tend to forget about it. I get better about it but sometimes I slip like all people do.

Now I live with my grandmother in SF (which consequently makes it rent free but not emotionaly free) and that is where the problem lies.

I realize that living with relatives is like living with a leash, its not a bad leash but sometimes it doesn't stretch as far as you want it to go (go with the analogy here, for the sake of me, I know its a bad one...). Anyways, ever since I lived here, I never obligated anybody to cook or clean for me. I take care of my own room and the shared environments (occasionally as I mentioned before forgetting to stuff on kitchen countertops or not washing dishes because I am feeling lazy). I don't obligate anybody to clean after me or cook for me. In return they don't expect the same of me. (Its a fair agreement imho...).

Today I took a nap at about 6 and woke up intermittently to weird noises (such as my phone beeping at me to be recharged etc) my grandmother comes home and makes fried rice and asks me to join. Now I'm not a nice person when woken up out of a nice nap so I just sort of roll over and keep sleeping (probably) mumbling something about eating later. I wanted to sleep.

I wake up at about 9:30 and get out of bed and get ready to make a dent in the 9 hrs math homework that is due next tuesday. I sit there contemplating eating and whether or not I want to wash the dishes (which I do with out being asked of course). I ignore my calc book which is why I woke up.

My grandmother comes home and she starts ranting at me about how I don't clean the house (which is true...) and how she pretty much is a maid in her own home (which is some what true...). Here I am sitting there feeling bad but speechless (I have no idea how to diffuse something like this). She's nearly 70 and yes she deserves more than coming home from work to find the house a mess and no dinner on the table.

Now I don't like leaving an argument with out defending myself (call it a debater's instinct or something...) but I tell her that I don't obligate her to cook or clean for me (knowing at the same time that this risks having cooked meals for me ever again, something I am prepared to live with @_@). She pretty much rants at me (and not my cousin who also lives there...) about cleaning and cooking and coming home to a dirty house (which I did intend to clean when I woke up from my nap.)

I'm sort of shell shocked because my grandmother escalates this into a sort of "I'm alone, I eat alone no one comes to eat dinner when I call, since my husband died I now suffer alone" sort of thing which is not true because 4-5 out of the 7 nights I am there I eat dinner (the other nights I am out with friends or at a debate tournament). This part really hurts because the least I do is respect her and keep her company. -_-

My grandmother pretty much revolts against the idea of cooking or cleaning any more. I sit there sort of shocked because I had no idea she felt that way. -_-

This is where the day gets crappy again. I don't know what to say or do but I realized that I am tired of living in a house where there is family. I know this is sort of rash but it what I feel right now. I don't want to be obligated to do things because of family. For example the issue of religion (this is another blog subject @_@). My grandmother is a staunch catholic, I'm not. I'm catholic, I like god, I talk to him but that's it. I'm not "into" it as everybody else is. But that *hangs* over the house. Its not what I want right now. Maybe when I am older I will learn to appreciate the finer points of being catholic but ... ~_~ anyways... My grandmother keeps ranting. That would have been fine if it weren't for another thing that eats at my conscious.

I was supposed to give a message to my grandmother or my uncle about a neighboor that had a son in the hosiptal. I forgot her name and the message (which happens but is not often). I could hear the blame in their voices about it (both my uncle and my grandmother started berateing me about it.) What annoys me is that yes, I know what happened and the consequences but to repeat it to me is like beating me while I am down (and believe me after the cooking/cleaning rant I was very down). I snapped at my grandmother (my mother being the one exception that I raise my voice to ~_~) my grandmother pretty much diffuses this by saying "I am not your mother, this is my house." which pretty much now that I think about it speaks volumes to me. It says that 1) I live recklessly, 2) I don't respect elders, 3) that my parents raised me this way. ~_~ This is sort of feeding the reason why I want to move out. I'd rather pay rent than deal with this. Perhaps this is like running away but that's my [poor] choice.

What eats at me is that I know that what I did was wrong but I have no clue how to fix it. I mean what am I to do? ~_~ (besides obviously cleaning the house) the reason I don't cook is because I don't cook the things my grandmother likes. If it were up to me I'd make pasta every day. For me that's fine, I can live with a diet like that (or a diet of bagels for dinner etc...) but I know my grandmother can't.

Now my cousin on the other hand got the 2nd wave of ranting along with me. But he reacted differently, he just silently started cleaning and organizing things. I was sort of shocked it was as if he was like "fine I'll just not eat here any more" which sort of made me angry.

I like eating with family, but today was just timed wrong. I realized while I got a verbal beating a few things 1) I need to do my share of the cleaning around the house, 2) that crappy days come in chunks of days and 3) that my day was ruined again.

Anyways that's about it. I don't think I can look at my grandmother in the face after tonight. I feel ashamed that I didn't do my part.

not going to class tomorrow sounds better and better...