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Wednesday, December 20, 2000 |
gospelgraffiti.com
Okay... some things just don't rend themselves to a Christian experience. If there is anything that could better symbolize this fact, gospel graffiti would be it. Okay, now that said, let me stress that this is actually a great website. The design is slick and aside from it crashing Netscape every time I try to load it and having to wait a bit for the images to show up, it's a really good site. And that's not all. The artists and their work is top notch. The photos of the pieces were on point and the pieces themselves were up there with anything any major graff artist or crew is making out there. But still, Christian graffiti is kind of like Satanic flower gardening. Sure, you can see it happening. But don't the two kind of seem to contradict each other in a way? But still, it's worth checking out. |
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Sunday, December 17, 2000 |
The strangest thing happened yesterday. I was in two completely unrelated public places (not at the same time, mind you) and two completely unrelated total strangers approached me asking me if I knew them somehow. The second time, the gentleman spent nearly ten minutes politely questioning me ("Do you live in Wrens, Georgia?" "No." "Is your father a plumber?" "No. Sorry.") before we finally exchanged webpage addresses and went our seperate ways. | ||
| Dang. Why haven't I posted all week?
Well, for one thing I've been busy assembling my resume and portfolio. After several tenuous hours slaving away at that, I return home to put in several tenuous hours on my webpage. Every day I get a new part completed, but there's still so much to do and I feel like it will never be done. On a lighter note, I've discovered the joy of fat-free nacho chips and lo-cal salsa as a delightful snack. I had this idea many moons ago to create a site in which I review food items. I'm beginning to consider that to be my next project after I finish the Update From Hell (as I'm now calling it). Basically, I'll be reviewing bacheloresque food items such as macaroni, pot pies, TV dinners, and so forth. My criteria will include easiness to prepare, quality, quantity, edibleness, and if the food actually resembles the tasty image on the package. It will be fun, funny, entertaining, and worth a read, I'm sure. Yeah. I'll work on that after I finish the Update From Hell. Oh yeah. I've been toting my camera around and snapping tons of photos of downtown Augusta. I have over 30 and can't wait for people to see them on my site. They're part of the Update From Hell too so it will be a while but keep an eye out. I feel better about the job situation now that I've had some time to collect myself, work on a resume, and see the jobs that are out there. I'll be doing some mock interviews with my old bosses and the company has been kind enough to allow any of us to use their facilities for whatever so I have free reign on the computers and stuff. Maybe things will get better soon. I hope so. |
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Wednesday, December 13, 2000 |
Well, I'm a damn slacker, I haven't updated in a long long while have I? So I'm living in Nome, and its cold a lot and it snows a lot. Its been warm lately, and that can often suck worse than cold. When it is warm and it snows then it is actually raining, and when rain combines with snow it forms slush. And when slush gets cold it turns to ice. So first I have to deal with slush, and then the next day I have to deal with ice. I have only slipped twice since I have gotten here. The first time I slipped because I wasn't wearing any shoes and I forgot my bare feet were not made of rubber. Bare skin has little to no traction at all so I slipped down the stairs quite quickly, but don't worry, the slush broke my fall. The second time I slipped and fell was when I was carrying a new computer monitor out to my boss's truck. It was a huge apple monitor that came with a G4 and is totally impossible to carry. The thing is huge, slick, and handle-less. So I dropped it. In front of my boss. Thankfully I dropped it on myself, since I had just slipped and fallen, so the monitor was okay. It was Apple's fault for building such a huge and unmanageable monitor. Hmm... what else was I going to say? Oh yeah, flat earth society. The Flat Earth Society now has a webpage: flat-earth.org. Its pretty shitty. I was hoping for some actual inforamtion and arguments supporting their wacked out claim that the earth is flat. But alas the webpage was pretty empty. They have a strange section for "Current Projects". They have three projects going on right now: One, a "propaganda" project simply titled "The Mars Project", calls on the society to "create and deploy fossils and/or ruins suggesting the prior existence of life and/or civilisation on the surface of Mars". They make no mention of how they will manage to make it to Mars before NASA does in order to plant these various objects that "connect to various aspects of the Bible or other Earth mythology". (Nice freudian slip tho? Bible or OTHER Earth mythology? Are you suggesting other mythologys other than the Bible? (Oh yeah, these guys are christians of the super-nutty catagory.)) I am at a complete loss to explain how anyone is going to get to Mars since flat-earthers believe that space travel is a hoax. But then again another tanet of the Flat-Earth societies doctrine is that "all assertions are true in some sense, false in some sense, meaningless in some sense, true and false in some sense, true and meaningless in some sense, false and meaningless in some sense, and true false and meaningless in some sense". A second project of the "Guerrilla Ontology" category is entitled the "Existential Negation Campaign". The project is simply a sticker you can print out that says "WARNING: THIS OBJECT DOES NOT EXIST" and stick on your favorite actually-existing object which is actually kind of cool except that the sticker is in .ps format which sucks pretty bad. Unlike the history-sabotaging Mars project, this one is just supposed to make you think about existence and all that kind of good stuff. Clearly the strangest project that the is the "Mr. Teapot Campaign". This is simply a random quote generator, but they also have a thing where you can print out a list of the quotes on sticky paper so that they are labels and so you can stick them on bathroom walls or peoples backs and the world will be enlightened. The random generator has a nice short and easy to remember url: www.flat-earth.org/mrteapot. Here are some prime cuts: Mr. Teapot says: I know what you mean! I was in the library at Cocoa of the BCC campus and these skin headed nazi's start hissing and repeating my thoughts and distracting me. I had to go to the librarian and say that they were saying things like "pussy". Mr. Teapot says: Listen as the syllables of slaughter cut with calm precision. (which sounds like something E_B_A would say in one of his songs.) Mr. Teapot says: I'd like to see a space where parallel lines taunt each other, instead of merely meeting or not meeting. I could sit and refresh for hours, reading all these profound words. So anyways, I'm not sure if this society is legit. I'm pretty sure they are not associated with the International Flat Earth Research Society which is headed up by Charles K. Johnson. An interesting article from Science Digest pretty much sums up the views of the society. (You have to read this, its really quite entertaining to know that there are people out there who are crazier than you!) It was not hard to find Mr. Johnson's phone number, so I gave him a call last night. Instantly I could tell this guy was not a happy camper. I think he pegged me quite quickly as a non-believing heretic. I simply wanted to know why there was a delay on my telephone (all long-distance phone calls out of Nome are via (non-existant) geo-syncronious satellite, resulting in a half-second or so delay.) I think he quickly knew where the phone call was leading and chose that point to hang up on me. You can give him a call at: 661-942-9964 (Unless of course there are two Charles Johnsons in Lancaster, California, in which the case probablly was the guy hung up on me because he was simply tired of being accused of un-warranted nutcasery. But what are the chances?) |
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| God loves a little irony now doesn't he (notice my action, friction, and event free post below). Well, the omnipotent bastards at Cosmos- the company that owns my Supercoups franchise- decided, rather than take massive paycuts from their more-than-ample 5 million plus paychecks, it would be a better idea to shut us down. So me, my man Dave, my bosses (who originally built this motley crew of businesses themselves with years of hard work and dedication before Cosmos scooped us up), my immediate bosses Pete and Carrie, and I are out of jobs along with the rest of the 300 or so odd staff members spread throughout 15 cities across this great land of ours. Meanwhile, Ron, the hapless CEO who is no doubt quite taken by his new windfall at Christmas, will have plenty of cash from the tax write-off to purchase his family a yacht big enough for them to play polo with their new horses on.
Not that I am angry or anything. I wish I could be funnier or something about it but I am downright pissed off so excuse me. I have to go look for a job. Have fun and try not to let my bum you out or kill off your high or whatever. |
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Friday, December 8, 2000 |
I would love to regale you with tales of excitement and adventure that would hopefully somehow explain away my recent inactivity with the weblog, but I just can't. Not that I haven't been staying busy. I snapped some great photos downtown and feel like I've made some serious progress on my website too. But dag... I have been at a loss as to what to write as of late. I haven't been surfing for odd websites in a while. I'm getting sick of writing about the election. There's just nothing I can post here that will fill up this little text box and therefore provide you with entertainment, enlightenment, and encouragement. Oh, wait. I never provide you with those things anyway.
Well, feel free to click one of the four above numbered buttons and read away at our past exploits. |
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Monday, December 4, 2000 |
Wow. It snowed here Sunday. Sadly, none of the snow collected. You've gotta love that wacky Southern weather! I've spent many years living or vacationing in the North, particularly Ohio and Illinois so I'm completely adjusted to snow and ice and so forth but watching those around me is always amusing. Last night, temperatures plummeted to the low 30's but while I was in the grocery store, I noticed way too many people wearing shorts. I chuckled to myself as they frantically sprinted for their vehicles surrounded by fogs of breath. It's even funnier when it snows to see the locals (although after 14 years, I am a pretty much a local) try and cope with frozen cars, blanketed driveways, and the like. I remember when we moved to the town of Augusta, Georgia as a family. Our first winter there, the snowfall was of record porportions (about four inches). My father sent me to the driveway with the snow shovel to clear the way for the family cars. People stared in complete surprise as I scooped away the white powder with this broad-bladed tool. "What is that?" I was asked more than once. "It's a snow shovel," I replied, amused. "A snow shovel? A shovel just for snow?!" "Yeah." "Wow!" It was amazing. Anyway... now that I've bored you to tears with my memories, I guess I should slap you with an odd link because it's been countless posts since I last did so.
hats of meat This is exactly what it sounds like. A website about hats made out of meat. Yeah. Meat hats are cool. |
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| This really frosts me. A little girl gets five months of probation because she drew a picture of herself shooting a teacher. A picture! A PICTURE! All First Amendment arguments aside, someone please notify me when a child's drawing leaps from a desk and brutally slays a dedicated educator. I WANT TO BE TOLD THE MOMENT A SCRAWLED IMAGE ON A PIECE OF PAPER SOMEHOW MANAGES TO KILL A LIVING, BREATHING PERSON! Have we become so thin-skinnned and outright stupid that we consider very typical childish behavior to be a greater threat than physical violence!? I'm sick to my stomach with this entire "media influences children to kill" bunk (unsubstantiated bunk at that, if you study it, and I do mean study it-not just read the regurigitated crap politicians and preachers spout about this statistic and that statistic. Ask them to site references. Name names. It will get VERY foggy. Trust me). I'm sick of irresponsible people copping out and blaming Marilyn Manson or Eminem. I'm tired of people terrified to see their children do bad things, but too cowardly to punish them. Enough! End it! As of right now, the band Slayer is on trial for two young men who murdered a young lady alledgedly [sic] because of a model provided by the band's song "Dead Skin Mask." Lemme clear up two things right now. First off, I happen to be a fan of the song in question and there are little or no instructions much less a workable model to imitate in the song if one so desired to commit an act of homicide. More importantly, the song is about REAL EVENTS AND PEOPLE. It's history. It's about the serial killer Ed Gein and to say this band somehow caused these men to commit this vile act but not mention the historical significance of the song is not only pretentiously ignorant, but monumentally stupid! I could go on arguing about the Japanamation factor and so forth, but I'll leave the matter to rest for now. Sorry for the angry tirade, but it's really eating me up. I take this issue personally if only because a long time ago I drew a comic strip in which a student goes berserk and massacres several other students and teachers. I did it with realistic depcitions of real people, and it was entirely comedic. I never later went to school with a loaded uzi and gunned down fifteen class mates. I don't consider myself a sociopath (although perhaps you do but so what?). I have played Mortal Kombat, listened to "Gangsta Rap," watched intensly violent films, and support violence in the media as a postive outlet for latent aggression: a release valve if you will. One man's art is another man's perversion so the objectivity here is in question. All I really can say for this little girl now is: "Hey! Teacher! Leave those kids alone!" Thank you. | |||
Tuesday, November 28, 2000 |
First off, let me say right now that nothing frightens me more than the impending wave of "I wanna recount" jokes certain to circulate office meetings, family gatherings, and social gatherings. Nothing that is, except for the sure-to-follow crowd of internet wits who compose Dr. Suessian poetry about the Gore or the Bush that stole Christmas. Yeah... that scares me.
Here's an idea you should try at home. E-mail the Vice President or someone important in his staff a photo of you holding a hammer over a bag containing something lumpy. Include a letter stating that if he doesn't concede within 24 hours of receiving your e-mail, you will begin to hammer away at this bag of cute, mewing kittens until they are all flat and lumpy. Threaten to send him the bag when you're done. I can't really say if this is illegal ("Your honor. The defendant did willingly and knowingly mail a package to the Vice President. Inside the package was a burlap bag containing the remains of five firmly-hammered kittens with helpful serving suggestions and a bottle of KC Masterpiece.") but it's gotta be shaky legal grounds. Lemme know what happens. Switching gears for a minute, I'd like to point out that there are several ways to deal with telemarketers. One of them is to get frustrated, whine a little to your friends, and try and politely escape from thier sales pitches. Another would be to obtain caller ID (Come on! It's cheap! It's easy! It's impossible to live without if you want to screw with these guys!) and carefully monitor your calls. Still another would be to monitor your calls via caller ID, but when the phone rings and you know it's them (and you will- they are invariably listed as "UNAVAILABLE") then have the following conversation with them: "Hi." "Hi. Is Mr. John Smith at home?" "This is he. Is this where you use the sales pitch?" "Uhhh... yes sir." "Okay. Do me a favor. As soon as I hang up the phone, put me on your 'Do Not Call' List or I will contact my attorney. Wasn't that nice of me!? I made it short and sweet so you can hang up and move hurridly along to hawking your scam to the next poor, helpless person on your list!" *CLICK!* (Every telemarketing company is required by Federal Law to have a 'Do Not Call' List and if they call you again after you have requested to be placed on it, it may result in serious fines or possible suspension of their business license). But even that is too nice for me. I would rather draw out the jerks. Make them work for my call. Let them run their entire speil about Timesharing, Magazine Subscriptions, and so forth. If you do that, they'll be too hesitant to hang up right away when you start to mess with them. Bear in mind that you have to be believable to make the fun last. I vary my work based on the call, but I've yet to be stumped by any sales pitch. Some examples include: "Sir. Do you purchase many printing supplies?" "Yes! All the time!" "Where do you buy them?" "All over the place. Computer stores. The mall." "What kind of printer do you have?" "Oh. I don't have a printer." "And what model is- uh... you don't have a printer?" "No." "But you buy printing supplies?" "Yes. I'm building a printer from scratch using duct tape and toothpicks and printing supplies." "I see." *CLICK* "Sir. I'm selling magazine subscriptions at amazing rates. If you'll just take a moment to listen to my list of magazines and prices, I'm certain you'll agree they are a bargain." "But I don't know how to read!" "I'm sorry?" "I am illiterate! Are you suggesting I purchase magazines when I don't know how to read!? How insensitive! I have been coping with this secret shame for years and now you call me and have the gall to bring it back to mind! (begin sobbing)" "I'm terribly sorry... have a nice-" *CLICK* "Good evening. Have you considered purchasing a secured Mastercard or Visa card recently?" "Since I got out of jail, it's all I've been thinking about..." "Uh huh. Well, we have secured credit cards with no interest or annual fees. Would you like to learn more?" "Do I have to use my real name or can I stick with my old aliases?" "Your old aliases? Sir. I think-" *CLICK* "May I speak with John Smith?" "That depends... are you one of... THEM?" "Excuse me?" "Never mind." "I'm calling this evening to inform you that you have been randomly chosen as a guest at our lovely resort hotel in Hawaii where you can stay for three days and two nights with three friends or loved ones." "I'm not allowed back into Hawaii or I violate my parole." "Uhhh... we also have resorts in Cancun and the Bahamas or Florida and just for choosing us as your vacation-" "Would I be allowed to bring all of my knives?" "Your knives? I don't know if-" "I can't leave the house without Lily Anne. She's the big one with the jagged blade and hand-carved hilt. I never leave the house without her. She tells me what to do. But sometimes, she tells me to do bad things. Bad, awful things... to young ladies..." "Uhh... sir... I don't think-" *CLICK!* Okay... you get the idea. Go now and have fun with those telemarketers. Make them regret ever dialing your number! |
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Monday, November 27, 2000 |
E_B_A ONCE AGAIN EMPLOYS CHEESY ONION-LIKE NEWS STORY/COMEDY DEVICE The vice president of the United States yanked himself free of judicial restraints today and stormed several cities and provinces of Florida in a massive spree of damage and destruction that left five dead, hundreds wounded, and thousands homeless. Experts attribute Mr. Gore's sudden spell of violence to either election results which proclaimed George W. Bush the winner, or else it could have been some bad feed he was given earlier that day. Said Gore campaign analysist and zookeeper Kevin Morse, "For one moment I had turned my back to check one of his restraints. Apparently our clauses with the Florida Supreme Court were not as steadfast as orginally planned and then suddenly, he broke free and tore away from his cage, tossing aside the tents of the media circus and leaving a trail of flaming debris in his path as he wrecked havoc upon the land. I was stunned." An onlooker, Cheryl McClintock age 87, remarked, "I first saw this ominous figure approaching my house, tearing through trees and crushing cars. I squinted and suddenly, the beast was upon me. My heart fluttered and I grew fearful as I realized it was none other than presidential hopeful Patrick Buchanan!" Reporters later informed Ms. McClintock that due to her vision problems, she had accidently misidentified her attacker who was in fact, Vice President Gore. The angered politico stormed through city after city leaving massive craters and smoldering cinders in his wake. Soon, he made his way to the ocean where he submerged slowly into the seas, possibly to return to his peaceful island neighboring Japan where he had been unexpectedly awakened by recent nuclear testing in the area. President elect George W. Bush made the following impashioned speech on the steps of the Dallas city hall today: "We must not let ourselves ever forget these five people who gave of themselves so, uh... selflessly, that we, the people, may bring ourselves better freedom, uh... for ourselves. And stuff." The President elect was then presented with copious amounts of cocaine and retired to his mansion with his future cabinet members and several prostitutes to discuss his plans for world domination. |
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Sunday, November 26, 2000 |
Chuck is now a daddy.
On wednesday before Thanksgiving, Bre gave birth to an adorable baby boy. They named him Chuck Merritt IV, or "Chas." for short (and to keep it from getting confusing as the kid gets older). I took these photos when he was three and four days old, respectively... chas2 |
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Wednesday, November 22, 2000 |
Okay...
rule4080.com Mildred hooked this up. It's our mutual website and no one can predict what will happen with it. I'm going to dedicate the weekend's activities (in between Thanksgiving fesitivities) to putting together something. Anything. Something good. There's nothing but a slick welcome page there right now. Feel free to click away thereby giving us hits and stroking our egos. Come on! You know you want to! Oh yeah. Go ahead and link us up, too. You will be happy you did later as you find yourself on the vanguard of web linking. And stuff. Yeah. Okay then. |
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