i et c

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Monday, November 20, 2000
11:18 p.m.

CLINTON GETS THIRD TERM
NATION CHEERS PHILANDERING PERVERT TO UNPRECEDENTED THIRD TERM OF OFFICE



A weary nation, tired of the loathesome bickering and squabbles of two selfish and ingrateful candidates, cheerfully accepted the third term of William Jefferson Clinton as President of the United States today. The motion to declare Clinton the continuing president was unanimous and stirring as the nation responded to recent polls thusly:

43.5% of Americans believe both candidates should be run over by Zambonis and then thrown to wild and underfed dogs.

26.2% believe both candidates should be drawn and quartered.

The remaining 30.3% of Americans believe the candidates should be run over by Zambonis, drawn and quartered, and then thrown to wild and underfed dogs.


Clearly the nation would not stand for this needless bickering and Clinton was happy to accept the nomination stating:

"It makes me proud as an American, living in America, to be elected as the 44th president of these United States, for Americans, despite this American dispute of the two American presidential candidates running for American president, here, in America."

Pundits from both parties pointed out that the President abused the word "America" throughout his speech with nauseating repitition, and Republican columnist and part-time mollusk George Will noted that Bill Clinton was in fact the 42nd President (obviously Mr. Clinton is convinced that each term in office is another number in the list of presidents) (he was up all night smoking weed from a bong shaped like the Virgin Mary so please forgive him) (uh... that's strictly confidential information, by the way).

Vice President Al Gore was at first declining comment but later crawled out from under his rock to state:

"It is a great moment in the history of this country and I plan on showing my appreciation by contacting the people of my home planet for immediate invasion and genocide of this pathetic human species."

George W. Bush (son of George Bush Sr.) (you know, the former president!) (no no no! The guy who got us into Desert Storm!) (NO! That was General Norman Schwarkopf!) was quoted as saying:

"I'd like to thank the residents of Palm Beach sincerely for displaying massive ignorance and irresponsibility on a grand scale and to show my appreciation, the governor of Florida will now be holding random citizen exectutions in Palm Beach and elsewhere until the vile Commie menace is wiped clear of this sacred land of ours." George promptly swiped candy from a nearby baby and returned to his secluded mansion to sulk and inhale generous dosages of cocaine.

Monday, November 20, 2000
01:11 p.m.

I watched Pulp Fiction last night. But it wasn't the regular version of Pulp Fiction, rather it was a strange edited-for-television (it was on FOX) version that liberally cut out large chunks of the movie and poorly dubbed entire lines into the movie to cover up various profanities. They edited out the gimp from the gold watch bit. The most interesting cut was from when Vincent accidently shot Marvin in the face. They probablly cut at least ten minutes of the movie out from there. In this cut version it goes from Vincent shooting Mrvin to a fade out, over which you can hear Vincent (although it is obviously someone doing a poor Vincent Vega imitation.) say "Oh man, I just accidently shot Marvin in the face." Like, duh. From here it quickly cuts to the scene where Jules and Vincent are drinking coffee in Jimmie's kitchen. It is also interesting to note than in this scene they DO NOT cut out Jimmie's "the dead nigger in my garage" line.

The version that I saw didn't just have parts cut out, but it had an additional scene that was not included in the original american theatrical release. Upon Vincent first meeting Mia she comes out with a video camera and does a "Hollywood interview" in which Mia proceeds to grill him on a variety of subjects. We learn that Vincent is indeed related to Susanne Vega (They are cousins) but he really doesn't know much about her music. Mia goes on to explain that everyone can be described as either a "Beatles man or an Elvis man" but not both (Vincent, she says, is obviously an Elvis man (and this justifies an "Elvis man" remark that she makes later)).

Over all, it was an interesting viewing of a movie that I had seen so many times before. It quickly turned into a game to see if I could catch all of the edits and dubs and to see if I could remember what the lines were supposed to say.

Saturday, November 18, 2000
08:48 a.m.

I rented three nauseating and sick B-movies last night. I watched Peter Jackson's infamous magnum opus of gun violence and machete misuse, Bad Taste, and it was everything I could have imagined but with the added bonus of ugly aliens and their goofy, bulging buttcheeks that explode from the back of their pants and stick out like mottled ricotta cheese in plastic bags (which it might just be, considering the budget). The climax features a flying house, a rocket launcher, and a man wielding a chainsaw as he dives head first into and alien's body, plowing right through it before emerging at the bottom. Oh yeah, that guy (played by Pete Jack himself) falls off a cliff at the beginning of the film and spends the duration of the movie trying to keep his brains from falling out the back of his head. I swear I am not making any of this up.

I also rented Blood Diner which I won't dwell on simply because I had seen it before and is only worthy of mentioning for the great scene of the guy who's head gets squashed under the car tire. This happens in front of a large crowd and everyone laughs but then his friend walks up and says "Hey man. Are you all right?" and everyone is sad. So there you go. Yeah.

The third film I watched was the infamous Blood Sucking Freaks which amazes me inasmuch as it was made at all. For the benefit of those who have not seen this film, it features cannibalism, sadism, masochism, and nearly constant female frontal nudity. I could dwell on any dozen scenes from this film which makes no attempt to be serious or poignant, but does manage to gross me out which is a near impossibility. Highlight? Howsabout the sicko doctor who drills a hole into a naked (of course) girl and then carefully places a straw into the hole and begins... uh... ick... sucking... with gross bubbling sounds... I hope you're not reading this at lunch.

The lesson here? Renting three B-Movies renowned for being disgusting and nauseating is not a good idea. Live and learn.

Friday, November 17, 2000
08:01 a.m.

Well well well... I made it to the weekend. Thanksgiving is next week. Time to celebrate how the pilgrims slaughtered the Indians after stealing their (the Indians') land. Hmmm... all this Indian blood on our hands sure makes it hard to carve the turkey! Who's for pumpkin pie?

There. I got all of my posturing out of the way. Now I can get to the deeper, philisophical stuff.

I was thinking a great deal last night as I drove home from my parent's house (I eat dinner with my family every thursday). I was sad (as I usually am when it comes time for me to drive back home) about leaving and I miss being with my family and I miss playing with Tyler (you should know he's my nephew by now, and that I was very much like a father to the kid). I believe that each person should cherish each moment as if it were their last. That is to say, don't live expecting tomorrow to be guaranteed. My father could have been killed in his auto accident. Any number of unforseeable things could occur. Treasure each moment we have on earth and treat every minute on earth as your last. I don't mean negativity. Don't swell on death. Respect it. Understand its power. But think: "If this was my last contact ever with this person, would I want this to be their final memory of me and my final memory of them?" If the answer is "No," then you're not living properly.

Sorry to get all pretentious and moody as of late. Don't worry: I'll be back to fart jokes and goofy links soon enough.

Thursday, November 16, 2000
02:00 p.m.

Jenn bought Fantasia 2000 a few days ago. I managed to watch it last night and I must say, it was quite awesome. I think it had eight sequences total, and they were all very very awesome. It must be a monumental feat to be able to create animated sequences that tell a coherent and intelligent story to a score written and performed years and years ago. I have to say right now that I was looking forward to seeing the movie simply because I knew ahead of time that one of the pieces chosen for the movie was Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue, which is probablly my favorite piece of 'classical' music out there. Fans of Woody Allen are quite familiar with this piece, as it was featured prominently in his movie Manhattan. (It was also the theme song for Delta Airlines, but that is something we will not go into at this date and time.)

I was prepared to be disappointed by the movie, but Disney really pulled of something of a modern masterpiece with Fantasia 2000. The only thing I might have done without were the various commentaries by famous people between each musical number, but even that wasn't that bad. I was actually kind of pleased to see Steve Martin appear after the first song, Mozart's No. 5 and suddenly break the magical spell which had been cast over me by the awesome animation sequence which accompanied an equally awesome piece of music. E_B_A will be pleased to hear that the famous Sorcerer's Apprentice sequence, the only sequence from in Fantasia 2000 from the original movie, was introduced by fellow libertarian trouble-makers Penn and Teller, which caught be rather off guard at the time. I must also give kudos to Disney for managing a Noah's Ark sequence featuring Donald Duck and using Pomp and Circumstance. I imagine that the decision to use Pomp and Circumstance in a piece that had nothing to do with graduation was a tough one, but they pulled it off wonderfully and I have a feeling that from now on whenever I hear that piece I will no longer think of graduations, rather I will think of Noah's Ark.

Anyways: Go out and get your copy. I don't buy many movies, but this is for sure one that I would get my hands on.

Check out the website too: fantasia2000.com

Wednesday, November 15, 2000
09:36 p.m.

Vibing to the Deltron 3030 CD right now.

Well, I made the inevitable move and rented (to own) a VCR tonight. Now to get a better TV and my propaganda will be back in my life in no time (although I'm still not convinced I'm ready to get cable).

Ever bump into an old friend from high school after several years and discover they have acquired a low-paying job in a major fast food chain (hint: rhymes with "Sickly Cheese") while you, by comparison, seem to be incredibly successful? Now I don't consider myself to be the epitome of career movement, but I felt a certain amount of shame to see my friend (who shall remain nameless) slaving away with no possibility of raising his level of income or anything else for that matter. I felt mournful and sad for him. Sorry. This is usually where I make goofy jokes about how I was speechless and we ended up talking about the remarkably rich and rewarding coupon manufacturing process I slave at each day at my job but I just can't bring myself to joke about this. It makes me introspective since I was in that place at one time in my life, and felt as though I would never escape. I wished him well and we talked about credit reports and marriage (he will be getting married soon- on a minimum wage management payroll) and whatnot. I could never fathom myself discussing APR's, mortgages, wedding vows (like BrakYeller's and this guy's), and impending fatherhood (not mine or his, but still a topic) during one of our lunchroom card sessions in highschool. Well, I pray all goes well for you, friend. I hope you succeed with your ambitions of law enforcement. I hope you enjoy many long and fulfilling years with your wife to be.

Tuesday, November 14, 2000
07:13 p.m.

As promised before, the wedding photos and two pics from the interview...

The wedding pics:
(Please note: BrakYeller will be referred to by his given name: "John." Thank you)

before the cake cutting
john entering the reception
the bridal ensemble

Now, we continue with pics of the three crew members who interviewed me...

the camera man at work while his assitant looks on
the camera man and the director discussing the opening shot

Well, that's that. I hope you folks enjoy the photos. If not, I do apologize. Wait. No I don't. SCREW YOU FOR NOT ENJOYING MY PHOTOS!

Tuesday, November 14, 2000
12:00 p.m.

Hmm.. Well, I know I should have updated by now. The last month or so of my life has been very hectic (and maybe too damn 'vivid', as Tom Robbins would say) and I just have not had the gumption to post anything about my trip and my new life in Nome, Alaska. It is one of those *where do you start* kind of things, so it is just easier to not start. I don't want it to seem like the first thing I talk about is the most important thing to talk about. So the first thing I will talk about is bar-hopping.

I went bar-hopping this last Sunday evening, and it was an interesting experience. I went with Jenn (Josh's Eskimo wife) and her friend. We started at the Board of Trade Saloon (Nome's oldest drinking establishment) and ended up at the Polaris. Nome obviously had some very smart city planners in that they decided that all the bars in Nome should be placed on the south side of Front Street, thus facilitating an easier bar-hopping experience. By the time we had made it to the Polaris I had visited all the bars on Front Street, which is about five or six. I even managed to beat Jenn at two games of pool (although I won more on a technicality due to her fumbling the 8-ball).

Anyways... So I was drunk on Front Street, and it was, overall, a pretty fun experience (what I can remember of it.) Another thing I have noticed already, is the strange and ever-present role race plays in Nome. Even compared to the deep-south, like Augusta, race seems so much more up here. Nome is about half white, and about half native and the races do not mix as much as one would expect (or hope?). I went to a community production of "Bye-Bye Birdie" and saw only two native-faces in the whole cast, and in bit parts to boot. It is the opposite at the bars on Sunday night though. I saw only a handful of whites occupying the bars, but Sunday nights are wierd anyway.

Nome is one of the wierdest places on the planet, I am convinced of this. The wierdness is exagerated all the more since I am employed by the only newspaper in town.

Well that's about it for now, I'm proud to hear the interview went well, E_B_A... And I am glad you though better about going to Canada. Don't worry about the election, either way it turns out, it will be A Very Bad Thing. It is exciting though, because no one knows what to do about it.

btw -- I finished Tom Robbin's new book. It was too damn vivid.

Tuesday, November 14, 2000
08:10 a.m.

Okay...

I'm not really moving to Canada. In fact, I'm not moving anywhere for the time being.

Thank you to all the people who responded with polite suggestions that I change my mind and move to other locales such as Australia and Anchorage (which is technically in America, but still far enough away from the madness for me to no longer care).

Meanwhile, the crunk part of this website (me) proudly presents:
numb-butt.com

numb-butt.com is, sadly, not another pornographic website. As much as you, others, and myself would desire to see a pornographic website featuring thousands of photos of women with numb butts sitting naked on blocks of ice, the owners of this domain have shrewdly chosen to take the high road and sell fishing apparatus. For instance, you can purchase the Numb Butt Ninja Rod™ which is worthy of mention if only for the fact that it constitutes a marvelous band name. ("Now on stage for your viewing pleasure... NUMB BUTT NINJA ROD! Turn your head if you are squeemish!")

Why did I link this website up?

Well, I'll tell you. A person only views "X" number of websites in their life, and when they discover one named "numb-butt.com" it is their obligation, nay duty to link it up in their weblog and write pretentious and unfunny commentary about it.

Picture the serenity of the offices at network solutions as some lowly worker, toiling away each day to maintain the vast and incomprehensible monster that is the internet, when they are suddenly handed paperwork informing them that today's job is to activate a new domain: "numb-butt.com." Imagine the look on their face as they read the words "numb-butt.com" in countless bits of random paperwork, and type them, these near holy words, "numb-butt.com" repeatedly for the duration of the job. It's a beautiful image, isn't it? It certainly gives me a warm feeling inside. Or it could be indigestion.

Sunday, November 12, 2000
02:00 p.m.

E_B_A Moves To Canada

Tired Nation Breaths Sigh of Relief


That's it. I'm finished. I've had it. I can't take any more. I'm a Libertarian, dangit! I don't give a crap which one of these friggin' bastards takes the reigns, but would one of you please rip your heads out of your butts and hand them (the reigns, not your heads) over gracefully?

In other news, it turns out lawyers are scum-sucking piss wads worthy of summary execution. The turning point was when Mumia Abu Jamal made the following statement, "As a convicted political prisoner on death row and a fearless opposer to the system of Government mandated Death Penalty sentencing, I can only beg that the American people storm the streets, collecting all lawyers despite their race, creed, sex, religeon, or choice of canidate, and burn them alive in the Nation's capital." Okay, Mumia didn't say that. But dangit, he should have. What am I proposing? Let's treat lawyers like guns. First off, you should have to register to use one, take a week-long-waiting period, and then, your criminal record should be a deciding factor in your ability to possess one. The government should be allowed to track you and your lawyer, and you may not be allowed to leave or enter certain states with them. Certain kinds of lawyers will be outlawed and destroyed. Oh yeah. Most politicians are lawyers. Chew on that.

Hey. We're free in a free country. We're even free enough to punch the wrong button and then go on TV and proclaim our ignorance and irresponsibility and champion it as a cause. So march out there! Demand fairness in the choice of two pre-ordained corporate puppets! It's the American way! FREEDOM! FREEDOM! Enjoy it. As for me, I'm moving to Canada.

-E_B_A

The previous viewpoints were those of E_B_A. They do not neccesarily reflect the viewpoints of the fine people at pitas, the users of this website, occasional and/or accidental surfers who discover it, most American citizens (particularly unpatriotic and downright selfish Democrats in the state of Florida), people who like ballots, people who collect butterflies, people who speak English, people who require the usage of oxygen through the process commonly known as "breathing," some species of algae, and the lowest of the low: Al Gore and George Bush. Thank you. If not completely satisfied with this editorial, please return unused portion to violentnation.com for a complete refund. Void in Tennessee. Offer expires April 1, 1963.

This article originally appeared on sketchzilla.

Saturday, November 11, 2000
08:35 a.m.

ATTENTION AMERICANS: THERE IS NO PRESIDENT. THERE NEVER WILL BE. WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCOVENIENCE THIS MAY CREATE. THANK YOU.


Now that I got that out of my system, let me tell you about my myrid experiences with the interview.

For one thing, I noticed many subtle attempts to be graciously polite on the parts of the Japanese crew. They always opened my door for me, often after it was obvious I was going to open it myself (this goes for car doors, my bedroom door, and so forth) and they always closed the door of the bathroom after leaving it as a gesture of politeness which struck me as humorously ironic because they always left the seat up.

I was given the wonderful gift of a fan with Mt. Fuji on it. This turned out to be more complex than I thought because in order to open the fan (which apparently was childproof, thereby preventing many deaths per year as it eludes usage by persons who intend to manually fan themselves) and failed miserably at what is no doubt an ordinary and seemingly mindless task in Japan. That's right. I couldn't open a stinking fan. I have no doubt in my mind that the director (who was as polite as could be) relayed this tale to the camera crew when they returned to their hotel room that night, and hearty laughs were had at these foolish Americans and their inablity to operate standard fanning hardware.

I also uncontrollably burped during the interview on camera. Really. I hadn't eaten anything for nearly twleve hours (Sue me. I'm really fat, okay. I'm a porker. I admit it. Let's move on.) and while some people's stomachs grumble, mine decides it's much more potent and alerting to make me burp. I have no control over it, either.

To begin the filming, the director and the cameraman spent several minutes debating where to film the opening shots in which they introduce me, no doubt, with narration about who I am and what part I played in the etoy/eToys situation. To do so, the crew had procured some fishing apparatus (a fishing pole, tackle box, and so forth) with the intent of filming me fishing. Now I have been fishing as a child with my grandfather, caught a few bluegill (market value: -$2.59 per pound), and that's that, but I am not a fisherman. I felt bad as I told them I was less than enthusiastic about being filmed fishing. They told me about how everyone else they had interviewed was an inside person (as most netizens are) and they desperately needed some exterior shots. I made a long and pointless speech about scruples and image (and later felt guilty for somehow "ruining" their plans) and they conceded. Instead, they filmed me photographing the railroad bridge on the Savannah River (their idea, again, not mine) and so I stood for nearly an hour taking imaginary photos of the bridge before I began to get bored (although I was as cooperative and patient as I could muster) and started taking photos of the camera crew (I'll try and post some here this weekend).

The interview itself went pretty well (although it may not get used in the show) and I was proud to be a part of it, and enjoyed talking with three men from Japan, and answering their questions, and asking my own. I asked them if there was anything they disliked about America and Americans and they were polite (of course) and told me they did not like our arrogance (understandable) ("arrogance" is the word I am using. They were incredibly more eloquent and delicate with thier words, so please bear with my editorial slant). They also found our consumerism and waste to be a bad trait. I honestly agree on both counts, and I hope they found it refreshing that someone here sees things much in the same way.

I could say so much more, but I'll briefly mention the small things I took for granted which later made me feel slightly embaressed. For one thing, as I gave directions to the cameraman's assitant (I'm sorry for not using names but I suck at remembering names, and also these names Japanese, therefore they were that much more difficult to remember, much less spell), I realized that many of the directions I gave him were useless. "Take a right after the railroad tracks," I said pointing to the yellow railroad crossing sign a half mile ahead. He had no clue where the tracks were and was utterly confused. I also became acutely aware of the sheer number of slang words and phrases that infiltrate the English language. I'm certain they only understood about half of what I said to them, while I understood nearly everything they said to me.

There was so much that transpired in the time I spent with the crew that I could never recall everything here, but it was a moment in my life of elation and joy, and I savored it immensly.

Wednesday, November 8, 2000
07:59 p.m.

Well, it's official. The camera crew comes friday to film me for an interview for Japanese television.

I'm semi-nervous and freaking out because my room is a mess (they want to interview me in front of my computer with my webpage on the screen- their idea- not mine). I've cleaned the house and tried to make it smell good with candles (the Japanese see Americans as very smelly).

Oh wow. That's so exciting for me, I nearly forgot to mention the election. Well... it would not sadden me to wake up tomorrow and discover that Gore and Bush were eaten in the night by wild badgers. Don't forget. If you live in Florida, a vote for Gore is a vote for Buchanan! Yee ha!

Tuesday, November 7, 2000
08:14 a.m.

Well, it's the big day for the nation. I wonder. When the canidates go to the polls, do they vote for themselves, or are they honorable and cast votes for their opponents? Hmmm...

Monday, November 6, 2000
09:41 p.m.

brak yeller tied the knot with his true love, Jamie, Saturday.

He ran off to Disneyworld immediately after. Luckily for her, he invited her to come. Photos will be forthcoming the moment I get Bulletproof FTP installed on my computer.

In other news, I'm being interviewed by a reporter from Japan for my involvement with the etoy/eToys bruhaha which seems so long ago. Really. A kind, young lady is flying from New York to meet me here Friday to talk with me about what an impact people like I had on the events. It's odd, because I'm certain I've never heard of or ever will hear of the show she works for, and even if I were to somehow procure a tape, it would be in Japanese (I don't speak the language, but if you desire, I can mimic bad acting from Gamera and Godzilla films).

Life is funny.

Saturday, October 28, 2000
05:21 p.m.

Heh-HEY!

Saw Blair Witch 2 and it was pretty good. In fact, it was better than 95% of the horror films I've seen in the theater since se7en came out.

Anyway...
Big up to the pants man.

In other news, Mildred has left and I celebrated by lying around the house naked and sucking carpet fibers. No...
In reality I took the most surreal trip of my life to Walmart to see about purchasing a cheap, cheap modem. (Never, ever do that. Ever.) It must be the beginning of huntin' season (which is a big deal if you live in Georgia or South Carolina and happen to be a drunken redneck) so the aisles were crammed full of toothless men in cameouflage sorting through sales on styrofoam deer, camo pillow butt warmers (really), archery items, ammunition, and anything else needed to kill and/or main one of God's helpless forest creatures or, ideally, another hunter.

I have nothing against hunting, although the preceding paragraph may give you the impression otherwise, but I fail to see the sport in picking off a perfectly harmless deer minding its own business as you fill it full of 50 calibur rounds from a high-powered rifle armed with a 1,000 foot scope. Give me action. I want them to kill that deer with a hunting knife and nothing else. That would impress me. Vaporizing Bambi with an uzi is stupid (although "Vaporized Bambi" would be a great band name).

I say this was a surreal trip to Walmart because, aside from the hunters, there were school children running afoot saying the oddest things like "Wow! The aquarium rocks taste good!" and "No no no! Jab me in the arm with a stick!" The entire store was abuzz with random bits of insanity and I couldn't possibly comprehend it all, nor take notes, but I can tell you, it was a madhouse.

Oh yeah. While I was waiting to be rung up at the electronics department, I noticed the woman ahead of me purchasing individual Pokemon games for her two bickering pre-teen boys. I nearly gagged as I heard her total ($105.34) and could scarcely prevent myself from screaming as she told the fighting children they would have to wait until Christmas if they wanted to get the other games. GameS with an "S." If two games cost that much, and there were more gameS out there, meaning at least two or more at the same price (approx. $50), then she was spending well over $200 if not more on Pokemon.

I hate this place.

Friday, October 27, 2000
08:50 a.m.

So much so much so much... where to begin?

For starts, my father was involved in a major head-on collision with a young lady. He's fine, aside from some scratches and bruises and soreness and swelling. Oh yeah, his car was completely totalled and he's been unable to work all week so we're not sure what my family will do for his transportation (which reminds me of how selfish our society is when we think it bad to only have two cars for the three adults living in my parent's home instead of the one that was the norm after the advent of the automobile, but I'm getting side-tracked).

Also, Mildred leaves for Alaska at noon today, and I had to say my goodbyes last night because he was staying with his parents who were driving him to airport. I don't know what's going on because he left a heck of a pile of junk at the house (I'm typing this at work, otherwise I would use "in the house" like LL Cool J or something). I'm not sure how I feel about this but I'm kinda in shock maybe. Or it could be indigestion.

Oh yeah. The new Blair Witch Project flick hits the theatres in town today, and I wanna try and catch the matinee (because I am a broke bastard) so I may end up begging Pete, my boss, to let me go early. To go see a movie. Who's being the responsible worker? Not me.

Sorry for the lack of updates as of late but I am getting back into the swing of things after many unpleasant and depressing things happening in my life, and now that I have a semi-working computer of my own at home, I'll be certain to hit you guys with more, plus Mildred will have plenty to relate once he touches down in the Yukon.

Speaking of my computer, I received for my birthday a $25 gift certificate for Walmart and I am gonna see if they sell an internal modem of any kind there so's I can acheive coveted 56 speed status (see boring modem speed/computer post two posts down). I doubt Walmart sells internal modems at all but I believe in the power of positive thinking so I'm crossing my fingers which, although doing so makes it inordinately difficult to type, might somehow make them sell internal modems. Or something. Yeah. Okay then.

That's enough.

Wednesday, October 25, 2000
08:02 a.m.

We saw Legend of the Drunken Master last night and it was pretty good, although I had to slice the cheese away to enjoy it. Some things just don't translate into English well, and Chinese overacting is one of them. Mildred was confused by the plot but that's okay... I liked it.

Oh yeah. I owe Mildred an apology for accusing him of messing with me on sketchzilla. I don't know who it was that did that, but they fit his M.O.

Monday, October 23, 2000
08:25 p.m.

evil people

Not sure what this website is about, but then, not sure I want to understand either. Still worth a visit, though.

Monday, October 23, 2000
07:58 a.m.

Okay... first of all... I have a new computer. Well, I guess "new" is a subjective term since I'm guessing this computer was manufactured by Stone Henge socialites who would sacrifice a goat to their Sun God before jumping in front of the keyboard to do some multi-tasking.

Okay, it's not that old but it's old, not to mention Frankenstienian in nature. What I mean is, I have a processor from one company, a pair of speakers from another, a keyboard from Comp USA, a mouse from Latvia's House of Mice, a monitor from the Etch-A-Sketch corporation and so forth. You get the idea.

It's also got one of those snazzy 36 speed modems, which means while those of you with a T1 or cable connection or whatever are downloading full-length motion pictures in about the time it takes me to fry an egg, I'm still waiting for the first page of Mildred's over-sized start page to load so I can begin.

Not to mention the whopping 16 meg of RAM and the 500 free meg of disk space. Whoo boy! I have got a computer to end all computers, buddy. So, if anybody needs me, I'll be waiting for Windows to boot. Thank you. That is all.

Tuesday, October 17, 2000
08:05 a.m.

I've got a great idea for a comedy sketch.

Picture the scene:
A dimly-lit meetingroom stuffed with white, suit-wearing men clearly engaged in some boring financial meeting. The camera shifts to close-ups of the men fidgeting in place as the person leading the meeting drones on about financial debentures and investment banking when suddenly-

POOF!


In a blaze to lightning and smoke, a whirring and cranking wooden device with two eccentricly-dressed men appears in the corner. The meeting stops of course, as everyone tries to understand what has happened, when the two men step forth...

"We come to you from the year... ONE THOUSAND!"
(Frantic stinging fanfare plays)

The men from the meeting stare, jaws agape.

"We bring you miraculous inventions of... THE FUTURE! Behold... FIRE! The WHEEL! The LEVER!"

Upon presenting each item, the fanfare music plays and the men from the meeting applaud. After a few items are shown, the men's pagers start going off and the meeting is ended, leaving the two men from "THE FUTURE!" alone in an empty board room. End of sketch.

Tuesday, October 17, 2000
02:00 a.m.

badastronomy.com is a pretty cool website. Its intelligently written and well researched.

Friday, October 13, 2000
07:59 a.m.

You know. There's nothing stopping you good people from clicking one of the three numbers up there in the corner and perusing our old posts, most of which are pretty good. Well, mine are pretty good. I can't vouch for Mildred what with his heroin addiction and shoe horn fetish ("shoe horn fetish" would be a great name for a band!). And if you've been with us since day one, then you'll appreciate this:

RICKSHAW! RICKSHAW! RICKSHAW! RICKSHAW! RICKSHAW!

Enjoy...

Thursday, October 12, 2000
01:15 p.m.

I haven't updated in a while, has it been almost half a month? Been packing and stuff, trying to get stuff done before I'm off to Nome. Updates are of course going to be less and less until I get settled in.

I got Redhat 7 installed onto my computer yesterday and I am really really liking it so far. I have to go out and get a new modem tho, stinkin' winmodems are pieces of crap.

Saturday, October 7, 2000
06:46 p.m.

Sorry for our complete lack of updates as of late. There are several reasons for this.

Mildred, for one, has been out of town or out of the house a great deal lately as he arranges his move.

That's right. Mildred is moving to Nome (or is it Gnome?), Alaska. He's got a high-paying job so he's leaving our humble North Augusta, SC to travel thousands of miles and start anew.

And that's part of the reason for my personal lack of updates. In the nearly four years since I've met Mildred, he's been a consistent friend, companion (not that kind of companion you pervert!), and artist. So I have been severely depressed and unable to write anything entertaining or funny for both of our devoted weblog fans. I do apologize.

I've also spent the past week slowly hacking away at the massive overhaul I am giving my website as I gear up for the months late Year One Anniversary since I went dot-com on yo' bee-hind.

Now, Mildred leaving is not going to stop us from both pursuing this weblog, our future internet projects, or collaborating on music. But it may render me home-computerless for a while (although I still have access at my parent's home, work, and tons of other places). It also means I will in some way, be losing a dear and wonderful friend so don't expect my mood to change anytime soon unless I somehow win the lottery, which isn't liable to happen since I don't ever play.

Anyway... enough of the pouting and pretention.

ludwig plutonium

This is a website maintained by a very eccentric (read: totally out of his freakin' gourd, demons in the migraine, no sense, buckwild, insane-type crazy) man who desires to be referred to as "Ludwig Plutonium" (not his birth name). Ludwig believes the universe is a giant Plutonium atom, and he's provided this website as a handy peek into his life (don't look twice!), his philosophy, his theories, his pants, and everything and anything in between.

Although not remarkably well-designed, it is comprehensive (read: over-bloated and huge) with probably over ten million seperate pages on his theory alone, not to mention the fifteen dozen pages where he describes his socks (you laugh but it's probably in there! I don't wanna think about it).

Give Ludwig a visit. It's wonderful of him to provide such a valuable service, lending entertainment to the masses and only at the cost of his precious sanity. SALUT!

Tuesday, October 3, 2000
07:07 p.m.

I found a really cool interview with Aceyalone and an archive of his lyrics. Enjoy!
ichiban@popamericana.com & crunk@violentnation.com