the happy accident of nature Wednesday, July 30, 2003, 05:35 p.m. Learnt about fusion, fission, the story of Chernobyl and the Happy Accident of Nature in today's nuclear physics lesson. I like modern physics a lot (nuclear physics is just one of its branches). It is really something new and interesting (and there are nice words like zirconium, Heisenberg's uncertainty and phosphorescence), but is not emphasized at all at the secondary and even JC level. Such a pity. Brought home $27 worth of secondary school exam papers. Already bought $50 worth of them last week, and I simply do not know where I should place these big stacks of papers in my room. I don't even know if I'll ever need them but I simply followed what everyone's doing and ordered a copy of everything just in case I may need them. Just like the textbooks I bought in university days that I never read, these were just money spent to make me feel more secure and "backed up". Been listening to Lamb's latest album recently. Songs like What Sound, I Cry and Gabriel keep playing in my head like background music for the scenes I see when I look out of the window from the bus or walk past busy people at the mall. What Sound - Lamb What is that sound Ringing in my ears The strangest sound I've heard for years and years The sound of two hearts Beating side by side The sound of one love That neither one can hide The sound that makes the world go round The sound that makes the world go round What is that sound Running round my head Funny i thought That part was long since dead But now there's new life Coursing through my veins Because there's someone Who'll make it beat again

broadband difference Tuesday, July 29, 2003, 07:49 p.m. My broadband was activated yesterday. Installed Kazaa and downloaded some MTVs and MP3s. Also started playing online games and D2x on Battlenet - something which I'd always wanted to do but couldn't afford in the past as I had to minimise my dialup connection time. Now I can even type my blog while staying online. =) Too bad that I've been quite busy these two days in assignments and studying for quizzes and couldn't spend more time loitering online. I even had to give yesterday's makan session with Chris a miss and postpone today's karaoke session. =(

ancient moon Sunday, July 27, 2003, 10:29 p.m. Tired. CO practice from morn till late afternoon. We started using the new ruans. They have resonant bass sounds, and demisemiquavers on the treble strings are like crystalline beads, but the frets are hard to press. Still prefer Gu Yue (Ancient Moon, an affectionate name we gave to an extremely playable zhongruan). Went to give tuition to Fiona after the mentally-draining practice and finally got home for a refreshing bath and Mom's curry.

debut Saturday, July 26, 2003, 07:59 p.m. Performed in a mini recital session at Yamaha. I played a solo piece Misty and a duet Allegretto with Jieying. My Misty was perfect and with feelings when I was practising before my solo, but when it came to the actual performance, I fumbled many times and played several wrong notes. The duet was okay though. Can't believe I still get stage fright when I have been performing for so many years in CO. Nonetheless, this is my first public solo guitar performance. =)

life of pi Friday, July 25, 2003, 04:48 p.m. Finished reading Martin Yann's Life of Pi yesterday. Maybe my expectations were too high, I didn't think it's a REALLY GREAT BOOK. But it's still a nice book to read (it's still one of the topsellers now, just behind Harry Potter, according to my friend), having introduced interesting notions about religion and used animals to hint certain subtleties about humanity. I wept like a child. It was not because I was overcome at having survived my ordeal, though I was. Nor was it the presence of my brothers and sisters, though that too was very moving. I was weeping because Richard Parker had left me so unceremoniously. What a terrible thing it is to botch a farewell! I am a person who believes in form, in the harmony of order. Where we can, we must give things a meaningful shape. For example - I wonder - could you tell my jumbled story in exactly one hundred chapters, not one more, not one less?* I'll tell you, that's one thing I hate about my nickname^, the way that number runs on forever. It's important in life to conclude things properly. Only then can you let go. Otherwise you are left with words you should have said but never did, and your heart is heavy with remorse. That bungled goodbye hurts me up to this day. I wish so much that I'd had one last look at him in the lifeboat, that I'd provoked him a little, so that I was on his mind. I wish I had said to him then... "Richard Parker , it's over. I have survived. Can you believe it? I owe you more gratitude than I can express. I couldn't have done it without you. I would like to say it formally: Richard Parker, thank you. Thank you for saving my life..." * The book indeed has 100 chapters. ^ His nickname is Pi - the constant used in circular mensurations.

cool Wednesday, July 23, 2003, 08:13 p.m. Chatted with Kim Sing today and realised that he is in the same church as Caleb when we were talking about my upcoming BHCO concert. What a small world. :) Someone overstepped my limit of patience today, so I turned around and calmly said, "Grow up." (So cool!) He immediately fell silent and stared at me like no one has ever dared defied him and in disbelief that I can actually show displeasure. Haha.

what sound Tuesday, July 22, 2003, 11:53 p.m. Signed up for Singnet broadband eventually yesterday. Got a free USB modem that looks like a stingray. It shall just sit on my desk and serve no purpose for the time being until my account is activated this weekend. Received my Amazon shipment of What's Eating Gilbert Grape DVD (this is where Leonardo DiCaprio truly shines and steals the limelight as the retarded brother of Johnny Depp, and this supporting role earned him an Oscar nomination in 1993 when he was only a teenager) and Lamb's What Sound Deluxe CD (every single track is so special! - Lou's voice is still as haunting ever...).

everyday physics Saturday, July 19, 2003, 11:49 a.m. I promised to post interesting Physics questions here but I haven't been doing so. Here are two: 1) Is there a difference between a gas and a vapor? Yes. A vapor is a gaseous state below its critical temperature. For every matter, there is a critical temperature (For water, it is 374 degrees Celsius). Above critical temperature, the matter can only be a GAS, and gases will NOT condense into droplets no matter how much pressure is applied. A VAPOR can condense into liquid when pressure is applied. So strictly speaking, water does not turn from liquid to gas when it boils - it turns into a vapor (or steam). Only after 374 degrees Celsius then it'll become a gas. 2) Why does your hand feel warm when you blow on it with your mouth wide open but cool when you blow with your mouth shaped like you're whistling? (Try to blow at the same speed so that we can assume it is the same breath) By blowing with mouth wide open, you bring 37 degrees Celsius warm carbon dioxide from your lungs to heat the cooler skin of your hands. By blowing with a whistle-shaped mouth, two effects reult in addition: (1) cooler air is pushed through the narrow stream by the Bernoulli effect, and (2) there is more evaporation per second from the skin, thus absorbing heat energy from your hands. Both effects produce the sensation of coolness. 3) An interesting phenomenon (combination of physics and biology) to explain why we feel faint when we bend down suddenly: Raise one hand high up and leave the other hand hanging down for three minutes. Then take a close look at your palms. What do you notice?

dilemma Friday, July 18, 2003, 06:17 p.m. I have been thinking of subscribing to broadband, and there's a booth now at NIE selling broadband at really good prices. Starhub MaxOnline of up to 1500 kbps costs only $56/mth - this is good but I'll need to sacrifice my present Singnet email and webpage accounts (I got to inform friends about the change and shift my present webpage), and I'll have a long ugly cable across my room (the SCV cable box is at the diagonal end of my room from my computer). I also heard that Starhub may be slower than Singnet during peak hours. Singnet broadband at 512 kbps only costs $58/mth, with free USB modem and registration fee - this will be cheaper than the usual rate by $20, but the maximum speed may not as good as Starhub. And because there may be incompatibility of that INTEL USB modem with my VIA chipset, I may need to purchase an ethernet modem if the free modem cannot work. How? How? Can anyone give some recommendations? Or any experience with Starhub, Singnet broadband or ethernet modems?

the movie clip Friday, July 18, 2003, 12:38 a.m. The whole of Singapore must have seen the infamous RJC movie clip by now. We downloaded the clip today at the NIE lecture room and watched it on the big screen before our lecturer came. I felt quite sad for the teacher when I first watched the clip (I watched it again when I reached home) - the class was really problematic - one guy submitted a half-heartedly-done, irrelevant and deviant essay while another guy videorecorded the whole process of her scolding this defiant student. I can certainly understand why she said all those mean things to the student - some students can really drive teachers to the wall. Ok, the language she used could have been too harsh, but we all lose our composure when we're angry, don't we? Sigh. Too bad, teachers are expected to have no negative emotions. As if we are not human.

coincidences Wednesday, July 16, 2003, 07:14 p.m. We were split into groups for our Fluid Mechanics lesson today to assemble model aeroplanes (each set costs $7.90, and the lecturer gave each group of 6 one set - so generous), so we spent an hour constructing the plane and flying it in the NIE field, then the next hour discussing the mechanics involved in order to optimise the flight conditions. Quite interesting. When lessons were over and as I was crossing the NIE-NTU bridge, I met some of my friends who'd just joined the teaching profession in NIE: Evonne (of CVSS), Yingyi, Jianming and Yulin, each of them appearing immediately after I'd finished chatting with the previous person and parted with him/her. Thought I'd never get to the other end of the bridge. ;)

cliche Tuesday, July 15, 2003, 11:59 p.m. Watched 10 Things I Hate About You for a second time, on TV this time, and I enjoyed this teen campus comedy (inspired by Shakespeare's The Taming of The Shrew) just as I did the first time at the cinema. Especially liked the last part when Julia Stiles read the following poem aloud in class (in fact addressing it to Heath Ledger who was in class) and eventually broke down crying. Quite cliched. Heheh. But, come on, don't we all fall for such cliched stuff sometimes? =) I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. Mushy, mushy. I wonder if a girl would write a poem for me someday? Ha. ;p

new day Monday, July 14, 2003, 10:51 p.m. Ha! Last night's sleep worked. All bad feelings erased. The Physics course resumed and the day was drowsy as usual. The new Waves tutor was very interesting, always trying to tell us jokes in his American accent. Although the jokes were not very funny, I appreciated his efforts to liven up the dry topic. Had a nice chat with Melissa and Samuel on the train. Mel plays the french horn and she's trying to learn the bass guitar, so we had a lot of musictalk, sharing our sentiments about music and jamming sessions. New World - Bjork Train-whistles, sweet clementine Blueberries, dancers in line Cobwebs, a bakery sign Ooooh - a sweet clementine Ooooh - dancers in line Ooooh If living is seeing I'm holding my breath In wonder, I wonder What happens next? A new world A new day to see See, see I'm softly walking on air Halfway to heaven frontier Sunlight unfolds in my hair Ooooh - I'm walking on air Ooooh - to heaven frontier Ooooh If living is seeing I'm holding my breath In wonder, I wonder What happens next? A new world A new day to see See, see

meaning Monday, July 14, 2003, 06:22 p.m. If a place only contributes unhappiness for someone, and this unhappiness is overtaking other stuff, is there any more meaning in staying? Hmm. Sounds like the type of essay questions I get in my Psychology module. This depends on how you define your meaning in that group. There can be many ways in which you may define your own meaning in a group, and this explains why you're in that group in the first place: 1) to contribute to the group 2) to lead the group 3) to have many close friends 4) to kill time 5) to enjoy the activities the group provides 6) to fulfill aspirations 7) to fulfill obligations If the fundamental elements that attracted you to the group in the first place (those factors that are significant or crucial to you) are gone, then indeed, there is no more point in staying. However, it is usually a combination of factors, and not just one, so you will have to weigh the relative significance of each factor and then decide whether its presence or absence is significant enough for you to stay on. If the actual question that you're trying to ask is, why am I still staying in BH? My answer is, indeed the factors that pulled me to BH in the past are now more or less gone. I should be gone too. But I am trying to find new meanings to staying in BH (I believe there are always some merits in any one thing or person, it's whether you want to recognise them, and whether they are significant to you). Also because I am a person who's very nian jiu and there's this inertia that drags me down so that I do not let go of my status quo. I know if I leave BH, I will lose a clique of friends who are so dear to me, and I will break contact with my CO instruments and skills. I treasure them, and I will hold on to them while I still can (while it's still bearable). Just like a person who's holding on to a marriage that may be devastating as he could not bear the losses and consequences that a divorce may bring. But I have to admit there is a limit. A breaking-point. I have not reached that breaking-point. Yet.

not better Sunday, July 13, 2003, 09:13 a.m. Darn. I am not feeling better. I wonder why? I feel so silly because I am supposed to feel better after the sleep but I ain't and I don't usually harp on such insignificant matters (it's not even going to affect your life, sillyboy - move on!) but I am still feeling sore. And then I came across this blog entry written by a stranger that precisely mirrored what I'm feeling. I've realised how art reflects life. You pay for admission into an exhibition, and you get to see the artist proudly showing off his canned faeces. Sometimes life is like that. It hands you a dish you so eagerly await, and when you open the lid, you have a silver platter of fresh shit staring you in the face. God must have a sorry sense of gallows humor. Life is a goddamned joke. Sometimes I wonder whether my efforts to do anything is justified. I work my ass off for something I intend to get, in the end, I get shit. If I'm going to get shit, I want to deserve it. And it's not by spending hours working on it. I'm going to slack my ass off, so at least when I get rubbish, I know I deserve it, and I shouldn't complain because I did what I did to get it. Don't feel like going for the practice. It's a nice cool morning and I think I'd be happier sleeping for the rest of the morning. But I got to pass the programme booklet drafts to the LKKs, hear Zew tell me about broadband plans and get a book from Cal. And I want to see a person who may make me feel better. I shall have to move on whether I like it or not. With a smile.

crybaby Saturday, July 12, 2003, 10:54 p.m. I feel terrible. Terribly. Terribly. Terribly. Terrible. Had 3 hours of plucked string ensemble practice just now, and the conductor got a professional sanxian player to replace me. I am back to zhongruan again. Actually he told me about this yesterday and I felt a bit disappointed then, but I told myself it's for the good of the concert and I didn't think much about it - I play the zhongruan better, and she can play the sanxian better - but I just felt very, very sad when practice started. She really played relatively well, and the sound of her sanxian is clearer and has more "character", but I feel it is because her instrument is good - the stem is much shorter (making it easier to play) and the soundbox is much larger (making the sound richer), I can play as well if I had THIS sanxian... okay, I know, sour grapes... she DOES play better... but she is a professional! I merely learnt the instrument for a few months! What do you expect?! When the conductor asked me to play the sanxian, I told him I couldn't play it well, but he said he couldn't possibly trust an outsider to play so he insisted on letting me to play it. So I practised till my hands were sore from the weight and my shoulder muscles ache cos I also had to stretch beyond my arm's length. And I feel I have improved tremendously and I am starting to play well... and then I am replaced. Like those black, hard skin grown over a wound, protecting you temporarily from those pains when the wound is touched, and then when a new skin develops, you can't wait to peel off this ugly, extraneous piece of dead skin. It's like all my past few months of hard work have gone to waste, and I have to learn to get used to the zhongruan scores all over again now when the concert is only a month away. Just when I have overcome my lack of confidence for the instrument and have grown to love it, I am taken away from it. Now I understand why people don't practise. They're so much cleverer than me - I am a fool. No one knows about or appreciates how much effort you've put in! It's the result that counts, no one cares about the process - so what if you're hardworking? If you're still lousy, you ARE lousy! I know how all these must sound silly - even I can't explain why I'm so affected by such a small thing. I must be too stressed. Just felt sucky and dazed for the whole 3 hours. Felt like crying but no tears came out (it's such a small matter but I just felt so full of self-pity - darn - like a little girl deprived of her new doll - Wake up! Stop being a crybaby!) and I didn't want to look at anyone because I know I must look terrible. But Yingj had to keep on rattling about her new plectrum her forgetful mother her dry contact lenses her shades her whatevernotandwhatnots... so I had to look at her and smile and I know my smile must have been so contorted and hypocritical but she just kept on talking talking talking... And then later my friends casually commented, "Wow, I finally got to hear how a sanxian TRULY sounds like." I know they must have said that in jest, and I don't blame them for making the comment, but those words pierced me really badly - jokes are usually at least half-truths, and the fact is that the new sanxian player DOES play better. I thought I was going to explode soon, so I decided to go home without going for supper. Time dragged for an eternity when my simple wish was just to go back home quickly - waited for the bus for half an hour before I finally managed to get home. Sister was stuck at Freecell game #15679, so I tried to help her, and I forgot about those earlier stupid thoughts for a while, but I couldn't solve the game as well. So I gave up and I am typing this entry now. I hope I'd feel better enough tomorrow to brace myself to face the people. I know I will after a good night's sleep. I usually do.

simpsonmaniac Friday, July 11, 2003, 11:56 p.m. Suddenly thought of my Simpsons figurines which I'd collected years ago and carefully kept in a box tucked in a safe corner. Can't believe that dust still found its way to them. Spent quite some time wiping the 10 figurines clean (there were some difficult corners) - Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, Mr Burns, Apu, Krusty the Clown, Sideshow Bob and Barney. There are still some characters that I love but are left out in this series... Itchy & Scratchy, Chief Wiggum, Ralph, Milhouse, Moe... but I guess I am too old to be indulging in such "childish" collecting business now. =p

bed potato Friday, July 11, 2003, 05:55 p.m. Spent several hours lying on my bed and watching what I've taped for the past week: The Simpsons, Malcolm in the Middle, the absolutely melodramatic first episode of the Korean serial Beautiful Days, the simple and poignant (every time I use this word I wonder why it is spelt like that when it's pronounced 'poingant') Thai movie Bangkok Dangerous . It's pouring outside, and I'm glad I chose not to travel to NIE to hand in my assignment. (I've asked my friend who drives to hand in for me. Ha.) Listening to Radiohead in the comfort of my cosy bedroom... Subterranean Homesick Alien - Radiohead The breath of the morning I keep forgetting. The smell of the warm summer air. I live in a town where you can't smell a thing, You watch your feet for cracks in the pavement. Up above aliens hover making home movies for the folks back home, Of all these weird creatures who lock up their spirits, Drill holes in themselves and live for their secrets. They're all uptight. I wish that they'd swoop down in a country lane, Late at night when I'm driving. Take me on board their beautiful ship, Show me the world as I'd love to see it. I'd tell all my friends but they'd never believe, They'd think that I'd finally lost it completely. I'd show them the stars and the meaning of life. They'd shut me away. But I'd be alright. I'm just uptight.

new and old friends Thursday, July 10, 2003, 11:37 p.m. Teaching Darren today was so enjoyable. He's more lively and responsive, and most important of all, he comes to my place for tuition instead of me having to go over - that makes my life easier and I can be more comfortable in my own room. There's a new cellist who came to join us at BHCO today as she'd heard about how good we were (!). Youchun also came to join us today - so glad to see him again after so many years.

911 Wednesday, July 9, 2003, 08:32 p.m. NIE's graduation investiture. There were 911 PGDE(Sec) teachers, so we spent three hours on our seats till my buttocks were sore, watching each graduand go onstage to receive the graduation folder like the 5-second onstage sequence was being replayed 911 times.

feel a bonfire Tuesday, July 8, 2003, 02:45 a.m. Two songs by Lamb that seem like a question and an answer for each other. Feela - Lamb You saw me crying but you didn't want to look You heard me hurting but you didn't want to listen This could have been something This could have been really something Tell me something more Tell me something more worth living for You felt me wanting but you didn't want to give You sensed me sinking but you really couldn't save me This could have been something This could have been really something Tell me something more Tell me something more worth living for People come and go it's just the way of the world Love just ebbs and flows what's left for us to rely on This could have been something This could have been really something Tell me something more Tell me something more worth living for Bonfire - Lamb Have you ever wondered why those days exist When life just seems to be the conspiracy against you I don't know where the answers lie But I try not to get hung up on the questions I burn like a good bonfire In whatever I do I burn like a good bonfire And I know I'll come through The time is long overdue for a house clearing of the soul We all get so complicated in our lives When walking just walk, when sitting just sit, when being just be Above all don't stray from your chosen path Burn like a good bonfire In whatever you do Burn like a good bonfire And I know you'll come through Burn like a good bonfire In whatever you do Burn like a good bonfire And may strength flow through you

tuition Tuesday, July 8, 2003, 01:43 a.m. Two ex-students of mine approached me recently and asked me to give them tuition on both Physics and Math. Though I'm quite unwilling (too lazy...), I couldn't bear to turn them down. Started teaching one of them (Fiona) today, and I nearly got lost when I was trying to find my way to her house (thanks to the wrong directions given by a Malay guy - he pointed for me the exact opposite direction). The session was okay, two hours flew past when we were trying out problems on remainder theorem and logarithms. Hope I can still find time and have the energy to continue coaching them when my Physics course resumes next week.

chomp Monday, July 7, 2003, 10:16 a.m. Yesterday had been another long day. As the CC was already closed after our DES performance the day before, we had to temporarily deposit our instruments at Shuinan's place over the night, so some of us guys went to his place in the morning to carry these instruments back to the CC by foot. It was quite a sight as four of us lugged the daluo (gong) and red biangu (flat drums) across the roads and the market - the onlookers must have thought that we were street performers from China. Then we had orchestral practice from morning till afternoon, and we hung around while I learned from Zhiq how to hold the bow for cello (I still can't balance it well). And we distributed some concert flyers at the HDB blocks around BH before we proceeded to Chomp Chomp for dinner (Zhiq was giving us a birthday treat, again). Dinner was good, with all the usual Chomp Chomp food - stingrays, satays, kangkong, chicken wings, Hokkien mee, carrot cake, popiahs, fried kuey tiaw, sugarcane juice... We sat at the innermost corner where the roof was open and we could see the half-moon. Can't remember exactly the things we talked and joked about, but the dinner was enjoyable. Even though some of us were at first too tired and suggested that we settled our dinner around BH instead (the request was conveniently ignored in the typical fashion - not even dismissed, but ignored).

DES performance Sunday, July 6, 2003, 12:41 a.m. Spent 12 hours at the Esplanade from 10.30 am till 11 pm. It's the DES performance. I think the concert was on the whole not bad (I wish I was the audience and not the performer - I want to see the dances!) except that the DES girls didn't sing quite well, and there was a technical fault when all the lights on stage went off for a brief moment - luckily our orchestra managed to remain calm and continue to play and the dancers didn't trip and fall. The day's personal achievement is that I managed to find all the notes for the ruan solo piece "Shan1 Ge1" while waiting for our turn to go onstage (I have the scores all along but I have been too lazy to find the notes) with the help of Changsheng. And we celebrated Zhiq's birthday by having our post-dinner dessert at Haagen Daaz. We ordered almost all the flavors available (there were 16, we tried 12). Heavenly sorbets. =)

the race in india Friday, July 4, 2003, 11:35 p.m. Learnt from The Amazing Race that Dhoby Ghaut is actually a terribly dirty and run-down place in India where thousands of people wash their clothes in thousands of knee-level cubicles of mudwater. And then there are children in India who live in cardboard houses in the midst of several acres of land that are filled with trash on every square inch. The contestants felt pity for these people, and some of them even cried as they'd never imagined that such poverty exists. But at the same time, they could not help but find their train ride (where everyone would literally KILL to squeeze onto the trains that were already packed like sardines) and washing experience (where some people simply slapped their clothes onto mudwater to get them cleaned, and the contestants got drenched from their neighbors) revolting.

farewell my concubine Thursday, July 3, 2003, 03:31 p.m. Got sick of having to tolerate the tantrums of my 6-year-old Canon BJC210SP printer (she refuses to print sometimes), so went to Sim Lim and got myself a new HP deskjet (a whopping $50 cheaper than at shopping centres). In appreciation for the long-service that my Canon has offered, I shall make sure she'll be sold to a good gurung guni man.

rehearsal Thursday, July 3, 2003, 12:31 a.m. Had a haircut, slept the whole afternoon, then went to BH to transport some instruments over to DES for the dance performance rehearsal. We played terribly - inconsistent tempo, out-of-tune flutes, wrong notes... I felt really bad when Mdm Yan thanked us after every piece. She's so strict with her dance students yet she was so polite to us when we deserved her scoldings more. Just hope we don't ruin their performance on Saturday.

shop Tuesday, July 1, 2003, 09:51 p.m. Shopped for shirts, bought two, and nearly forgot about my make-up guitar lesson.

homework Monday, June 30, 2003, 09:45 p.m. This is the start of two weeks of "online learning". To us it simply translates into two weeks of break with only a few assignments to complete and submit by email. Started on the Thermal Physics homework today. Only six questions, but they already gave me lots of headache. And I thought by being a teacher I'd be the one giving homework instead of doing them. Oh well, *corniness alert* we got to "give and take" sometimes.

lizard Monday, June 30, 2003, 10:56 a.m. Another cliched short story which I quite like. Liked to write about desperate people who are frustrated with life. 《壁虎》 隔壁的少强是街知巷闻的“败家子”。每天听他母亲骂他老早死了爸，自己却还不争气，让人瞧不起，有书不读，成天跟一群猪朋狗友混在一起，今天偷了杂货店的香烟，明天又因为聚赌被捉到警察局。少强总是一声不响，只是有时会投以母亲要她住嘴的目光，而从不顶撞她半句。 有一晚，我在楼下的游乐场碰见少强在哭，过去慰问时他便好象终于找到倾诉对象般的跟我说了许多。他说他从前在学校总被人取笑是母亲和别的男人生下的杂种。原来母亲曾是被强暴的受害者，父亲当时并不介意地娶了她，大家碍着父亲的颜面都不再提起那残忍的往事。婚后不久，少强便出世了，一家三口本以为可以快快乐乐地，可是父亲在少强五岁时便在一场工地意外中不治身亡。母亲一时无依无靠，赖针车缝些衣服，在庙堂解决三餐的问题，奇迹般地只手养大了少强。少强是连父亲的样子都不记得的，父亲也没留下半张照片。他说我很幸福，有书读，有疼爱我的父母。他说他不是不爱读书，而是大家在父亲死后又开始撩起母亲不堪的往事，连同学们都说他是坏孩子，几次诬赖他作弊、调戏女同学，老师也带着有色眼镜看他，把他赶出校门，多次转换学校后，也再没有学校肯收留他了。 自那晚的剖白以后，我和少强便没有再联络，只是偶尔在电梯撞见，彼此点头招呼。后来听说他因为在街上和人结伙打架而被关进了感化院。 这天，我刚好在走廊浇花，看见了刚被释放出来的少强。少强的母亲正在走廊晒衣服，远远见到少强走来，便顺手将装衣服的红塑胶桶向他丢去： “没用的孬仔！你舍得回来了？没出息的败家子！你是甘心气死我的吗？” 没想到母亲突然把桶子丢来，少强也没来得及躲避－又或许他是故意站着挨打的？他静静地站着，鲜红的血静静地划过了他的额。 母亲见他不动不语，气忿得走进屋里。少强慢慢走到家门前跪坐下来，眼里充满了迷惘与彷徨。 “是！我是败家！我是没用！我不会读书！只会胡搞、作乱！你当初就不该生下我的！”少强骤然的大吼吓着了我。从没见过他顶撞母亲。 “对呀！我也不知道为什么会生下你！早知道你这样没出息，我不如生只狗，还会替我看门！…你为什么不学乖？”少强妈走了出来，说到最后，泪已润湿满面。 “妈，我也想做个乖孩子：读书、孝顺。可是我没有这个机会，我一生下来就背了杂种的名，学校上不了，没人肯请我做工，我能有什么前途？只有那些跟那些你所谓的猪朋狗友，我才觉得我还是个人！”少强瞬时已泪涕纵横。平时的他绝不会那么激动。 “我知道妈害了你，害你抬不起头，让人看不起…” “我从没有看你不起。”少强没等母亲说完便插嘴说：“我只是觉得不公平。为什么我从一开始就没有别人拥有的基本的关怀？我不甘心为什么我不能像隔壁阿祥那样，可以有机会做个好学生、好孩子，可以抬头做人，不受人家唾弃…” 我听得心寒，急忙浇完了花，回到屋里关了房门打开了收音机，不再去听屋外的情形。后来妹妹告诉我少强事后没有进屋，突然跑了，只留下母亲在家门前哭了一夜。 翌日清晨，清洁工人在组屋楼下发现少强躺在血泊之中早断了气，大家都说是自杀。我傍晚到楼下买东西时经过，只见地上仍留着斑斑抹不去的血迹。 在电梯旁，我看见一只干瘪的壁虎，不知何时何故被压扁了黏在墙上，如今经过风吹日晒只剩下骸骨仍贴在那里应该有好些时候了，却没人发现，连清洁工人也没有将它除去，看了真觉恶心。 一九九九年五月十一日 六时四十五分