That Wicked Accent!
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Everytime, I am in Professor Murfett's class, I miss Simon and Lindsey. That is apart from the non-stop laughs and smiles.
Sigh.
Don't you love the British wit, accent and mannerisms?
I want to marry a Brit.
Halloween Blues
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
It's Halloween today and all I can think about is how I am not at UCSB partying away, getting wasted, wearing a crazy costume and being with my friends.
Gosh, it is moments like this that I miss so much, I can't even imagine why I decided to come back home. It's Halloween dammit. And knowing that in authentic UCSB culture, this would entail a solid weekend of partying since Halloween is a on a Tuesday and Friday, Sat, Sun and today would be booked solid with parties on Del Playa and everywhere else. Oh the memories.
I miss Lindsey and Simon so bad now though. My perfect friend and my perfect man. So here are some pictures for memories sake. Maybe one day, it will all come back again.
Some of my Housemates and I in our apartment. Guess who were supposed to be?
My James Bond and I (and yes, his name is really James)
Squashed Between The Bunny Ears and the Sexy He-She
My Cow and I
Meet Jean, my best French friend ever, as he ridicules me by wearing my costume. I miss him and our MTV sessions. :(
Grace and I
Just a Preview of the Crowds that would be out partying.
Some of the UCLA and UCSB Singaporean peeps
Tammy and Johnson!
Policeman Eric
Lindsey, Me and Jessica
More of my British Friends
Will and I! Isn't he such a cute Aussie?
My Fav British Lads
My Fav British Ladies
And of course the parting shot of the tin man and the angel. It would have to be a picture of Simon- the only one ever to have restored my faith to believe that one can actually believe. Just the irony of it all. The tin man, who wants the heart, teaches the angel who gives hearts, to have a heart.
Awaken My Heart
Monday, October 30, 2006
Monday, October 30, 2006
Ironically, although I am only more reinforced in my disbelief in men, I must say I really more than ever before, believe in true love.
Maybe it is because I had so many questions since the last bf and the lawyer, that I now finally have them answered. I had so many doubts and possible what-ifs, that have now been expelled and answered, that really I think, I am seriously over the whole obstacle of worry, jadedness and confusion. It's almost like my epiphany in New York last year around this time, as I stood outside the Empire State Building on 5th Avenue while waiting for the Veteran's Day Parade to start. The knowledge where everything suddenly made sense and that I knew things were going to change for the better finally. :) The feeling is strangely liberating I tell you.
I now know, and truth be told, exactly what I want, how I want it and even ironically that my trust is more than ever placed in God and his divine providence. Strange eh? I think it is very important that I write this down and even blog this, not just because I want others to know what's going on but because I need to affirm and give thanks to God for my new belief. So if I ever waver, or for that matter, doubt again, I will be reminded on what I want and how it has all along been what God wants. haha :)
Oh and the ending of the drama of it all, is of course well received. Funny thing is, I don't think it was ever very dramatic for me. Even if it seemed so. hahaa Amazing how detached and well prepared God has me for these revelations eh?
So Lav is still waiting. But this time, it is more of waiting on the Lord, more than a reckless abandon to the expectation of failure or for that matter waiting for a knight in shining armour. Now, I am waiting in knowledge and hope of his ever lasting will.
Masculinities
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Ok it is official.
I am off men. So completely off them.
I think my karma with men is as bad as Le Ly Hayslip man.
Sheesh.
So the next time I say some guy is cute, please remind me how my cards always read-negative.
I am so off men. Oh but that doesn't mean I'm into women. Just off men.
No more lawyer types, smart types, expat types. Just no more altogether. Hmpph.
What Sundays In the Library Do to You
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Gosh what I would do for some alcohol right now.
For some reason, the more stressed out or tense I am, nothing calms my nerves more than a lovely glass of wine or champagne. Don't get me wrong, I ain't no Bree Van de Kamp or anything but really, just a simple glass of chardonnay can do wonders.
Of course some rocking music would help as well.
I just need a guilt-free break. Sigh.
Like Said and crap? Gosh, you know Said?
Friday, October 27, 2006
Friday, October 27, 2006
How do you consider dating and/or liking other guys when the own guys in your extended family set such high standards for you? No I mean like seriously. You know how alot of what girls expect in a guy and a relationship stems from the relationships with their dads,brothers and other male relatives so while I may have no brother, my male cousins have more than sufficiently made up for that deficit but by impressing me way too much with their eligibility, it is very hard for sometimes to judge other men by a measure different from my cousins.
Just last night, I had an awesome conversation with Steven-witty,intelligent,godly and entertaining to say the very least. I can't remember what exactly but it progressed from an MSN tutorial to talking about random people in church to Tara's wedding to me becoming very philosophical which I attributed to my current paradigm that was set on my term paper on Orientalism. So of course, I told Steven just that and what does he reply besides knowing exactly who coined Orientalism (it's Edward Said in case you wanted to know) and the theories of it and its impact on post-coloniality. I mean seriously. How often do you meet someone who is not a philosophy,literature or history major or for that matter any major who would be willing to engage you on such a level and just talk about theories and their application to life. Ya I mean it is kinda nerdy but really they way we talked about in our pseudo-intelligent, near flippant yet engaging way was perfect. I mean I really don't think I have ever really been engaged on that level with any guy outside of my Chindia group.
So you tell me now how I am supposed to go out there and have this clean slate thing when I already know that there are Type A guys around and by some stroke of genius or bad luck, you decide, always happen to be related to me. haha
So of course, when I told my mum, she declared how 'technically' Steven could not be considered a cousin since it is a far connection but that is besides the point. Eunice says my new acid test of compatibility should be knowledge of Orientalism but well it's just probably a case of being well-read or something. Ughh. I need to be impressed by more male species outside my family. Men who don't lead people on,lie, cheat and make false promises. Men who are self assured, know what they want, humble, God-fearing and oh of course are well read. :)
Oh and Euns, I will be sure to pass the reccomendation along. Though I must tell you that he is like 1.5 heads taller than me already and you with him would be a sight to behold. haha
Retreat Balinese Style
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Sometimes I am so glad for the sweet and taitai-like friends I have who always believe in good indulging to calm the stressed soul. Here are some pix from Grace's and my rendevous at Villa Bali, which quite literally is a marvellous place to rest, relax and catch up with old friends. Wonderful ambience, blur waiters, pretty decent food and drinks that a little too sweet are just a perfect mix especially when brewed together with marvellous female company. :) Like I always say, my best (albeit chi-chi) nights out always happen to be with girls than guys. haha and I wonder why?
The Entrance
The Wonderful Ambience
The Little Hut that we had exclusively to ourselves
The Chips That We Couldn't Stop Munching
Cocktails Can Never Go Wrong
Cosmopolitans are such a pretty concoction, don't you think? And of course, Grace's Mango Tangerine Margarita was as always, wonderful but check out how much ice there was in this one!
And of course, the parting shot of the pretty girls. Thanks for the lovely night babe. Looking forward to our next one! :)
Drowning
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Thursday, October 26, 2006
6 papers in 2 weeks. I can do this. I know I can. Even if 2 of these deadlines are due on the same day and the rest are due back to back on consecutive days. I can do this! No wait, I can't but I can do it through God who strengthens me! :)
And you know what is the best part? That isn't even the end of all my assignments for this semester. I still have 2 more papers due after these horrendous 2 weeks are over.
Ughh. Why do I like history again?
Overnighters
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Seems like every semester is not complete without at least one sleepless night. I really didn't think that last night would be an all-nighter but due to some unforseen problems and hitches in our project, my group had to stay up in the Chatterbox editing and re-editing the paper till like 4am and just as we thought we were done, we realised that we were 700 words over the limit so then came the onslaught of massive word cutting which only ended at 6am.
Of course, that just amounted to puny 2hours of sleep before I headed for tuition and gosh was I so tired in tuition but still I pulled through since my dear girl had an exam the next day. Yes I skipped lecture, my first lecture to be skipped this semester but man I think this fatigue is gona stay with me for a bit and I don't know if I can afford to, given the gigantuous workload I have due. I didn't even get to sleep very much after tuition as I had a project meeting and some work to clear before I headed back to my room. Well at least I got my table tidied and stuff. haha
Sigh. And probably the worst part was the fact that 2hours of sleep really just felt like a major hangover and a heavy head even when no alcohol but only academia was consumed. Sigh.
I need sleep. :(
Bollywood Mania
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Sunday, October 22, 2006
I think I am Bollywoodizing myself! I honest to God think I have watched like 6 Indian movies this weekend alone! I think that is like my annual limit or something. Hmpph.
6 movies and counting. I am becoming so Indian. haha
Oh well I love lazy weekend nonetheless where all you do is eat, sleep and get money. haha :)
A Chindian Deepavali
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Ok so Deepavali weekend means embracing my Indian roots, gorging myself with all the rich food and cookies I can, and taking back as much angpaos as possible. But this year's Deepavali has been a little different. It wasn't just all about food, family, laughs and gossip, it actually became more personal than I expected. Of course, because it was an Indian holiday, it had to be dramatic at the very least so it could stay true to its Indian roots. haha
You see, Andrew and I had planned initially to bring him over for Deepavali this year, since I went to his place for CNY. So of course, I had to clear this plan with my parents first, who were of course, more than willing, but my mum had to clear it with my grandma. So she did like almost a month ago. Of course, in lieu of his busy jetsetting schedule, he wasn't able to be in Singapore for Deepavali and the whole plan was called off though my mum forgot to tell my grandma. It was of course as you would expect, very hilarious, because on Thursday when they had the prayer service thing for the deceased, my grandma asked if 'my friend' was still coming when I realised that my mum hadn't kept her informed. So I then began to inform everyone that 'my friend' couldn't make it and that he was away on work. So all my aunts start hounding me on details of this friend and what time I will be at my grannie's house on Sat and if he will be coming and that it's great that he works in Shell, just lik my grandfather did. It was so hilarious, I was suddenly privy to the fact that my ENTIRE extended family thought Andrew was my boyfriend. I mean like seriously? Does everyone a person brings home have to be romantically linked to them? I think the best joke was when I arrived at my grannie's house and one of my aunts came up to me and said how pretty my outfit was and when I responded that I had bought it in New Delhi, she went on to ask if it had been specially picked for and by Andrew. I think I laughed till I was red in the face and assured her it was entirely my own decision albeit confirmation by Eunice, not Andrew or Gilbert for that matter.
So well as expected, this weekend became an extremely Chindia weekend as Euns and I revived our 'talking to each other numerous times a day' schedule, Andrew calling me from Aussie while I was in my grannie's house which of course only propelled the theory that he was my boyfriend, missing Edmund's birthday party, getting Jaclyn's SMS, wondering where Gilbert was and the list goes on. So I realised that I had yet to put our farewell (or for that matter, alot of pictures that we took together) up so here is my much delayed but still sincere tribute to my dear dear friends who always always make me laugh and think so much more than I thought I could! hahah
(Warning: Photo Overload Ahead)
Dinner At Andrew's House With the Indian trekkers. Andrew actually cooked such an awesome meal, I think Euns and I decided he is offically 'marry-able'. Seriously, it was like 4 or 5 course meal, complete with starters, main course and cold cuts and everything. And of course the wine was divine! Oh and if you look closely, you see picturs of the gang that we gave to Gilbert as a farewell pressie.
Gilbert explaining the intracies of his gift to Eunice.
The Other Half of the Pressie we gave Gilbert. He actually bought that book in New Delhi but left it in a hotel accidentally so Euns and I like got it for him as a parting gift that he could read on the plane to Vancouver.
And of course, what Chindian gathering is complete without some camwhoring?
I swear I love this formal yet informal photo because we all look so good and happy and really shows us for the silly gooses that we always are.
Oh and this other one makes us look so innocent and old school, I just had to put it up. I also think this is the only time Andrew took a good photo of us. hahha
Of course, no Singaporean farewell would be proper without some durians. This time Edmund actually made it and Dhoby got to relish good company and durians- both of which we doubted he would be getting much of in Canada. hahaa
The Durian Man
Sitting Like Indian Workers in the Void Deck of Eunice's place
Really Good Durian!
And the final shot of the 5/6 of us looking well tired but sadly aware of the fact that it may be a full year before all of us may be able to take such a shot again.
Oh but I will never forget our dear last member who always always makes me smile. Here is one of us having drinks at Wala Wala. Yea, she is a drinking buddy I can't even begin to say how much I appreciate! :)
And now that the boys and Jac are away, that doesn't mean we will end! The remains of Chindia in Singapore will prevail like at Eun's lovely birthday celebration at V Tea Room which was so quaint, Victorian and amazing to say the very least, as we caught up on the latest gossip and shared our lives. Ok enough of the romantic commentary.
The V Tea Room with Paintings from Primavera
The Lovely Victorian Interior
Isn't this one so Phantom of the Opera?
The Quaint Tea That was Served. Not surprisingly we went for our favourite Darjeeling Long Tea and Earl Grey with Jasmine tea!
Of course, no birthday is without a cake and this one was an amazing mix of cappucino, cream and baileys! You definitely need to try it! The V Tea Room is like the only liquer teacake boutique teahouse in the world!
And of course, how could I forget the delightful birthday girl!
And our famous self taking shots to end it all!
Thanks guys for inadvertently making a usually monotonous holiday, one of the most hilarious ones ever! haha And to think they are showing Bride and Prejudice tonight. It was the first movie we ever saw together or for that matter part of our first gathering ever back in December 2004.
Stuck In a Moment That You Can't Get Out Of?
Friday, October 20, 2006
Friday, October 20, 2006
It sometimes surprises me how much one can actually see and observe and how they seem to all make sense to the observer. It's like based on a certain lens, everything can be shifted to be understood from that context.
This past one month, or at least the greater part of the last 3 weeks, has been punctuated with tales of pining hearts, couple fights, confused friends in love and the coping of an abrupt end to relationships and they have really got me thinking. Be it phone calls, conversations, blog entries, or even emails from a distant land, I have been getting a plethora of people with trouble in paradise. Whilst the concept of why I would be a go-to person on such topics is an elusive a concept to you as it is to me since I am the queen of failed romances or something, I choose to see the optimistic side of things that people may actually feel comfortable talking to me about things like that. But what seems to happen from all this is the questioning of myself and the realignment of my stance further and further to the extreme end or even at times towards a relationship. Weird eh?
Just last week, a dear cousin wrote me an email telling me of the new semester in the United States with little nuggets of funny things that had happened to him during the past month but what caught my eye was the last paragraph, when he wrote of how he still thought of this girl back in Singapore and although they are both supposed to be alright with the fact that God had not planned for them to be together, it still affected him every now and then. Sometimes the memory and pain would hit him so hard, he would be paralysed by emotions and pray to God for the strength to wake up and move on. He wrote how maybe the whole 'being away from family and friends' may make the pain seem more acute but it still haunted him- a ghost he asked me to pray for him to soon be exorcised of.
And while all of this may seem strange to you, it doesn't to me. I remember feeling as if I could have found someone I could spend a long time with- a concept I had never felt with anyone before (and in a way have stopped believing now), only to be told by God and fate that it isn't going to happen. Man, it hurts so bad, it actually takes a while to stand up. I even had to walk away from God for a while in my life just so I could figure it out. It was like something inside me that I never knew existed or for that matter could break, actually broke. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't love or a love of your life kinda thing but it was something big. Maybe that's why my cousin wrote to me and not his brother.
But now I worry for him. Because I now know the consequences of such a scenario- the succeeding brokeneness, recovery, non-chalance and inertia that come along and mess with your mind. I may be all glued back together now but there are cracks in me where the glue hasn't fully sealed. Like the ability to even consider liking someone else lest the same thing happens again. The ability to think that anyone could even like me especially since I seem to have nothing to offer. The ability to even consider the concept of believing so completely again in the beauty of love happening in your life. The ability to even think you can have what you want. And the list can go on. These aren't major problems and are definitely not as extreme as they sound but for me, these are all very real concepts I had to deal with and at times still do.
Maybe that's why I hate people asking me why I am not in a relationship because the obvious answer to me is that no one likes me that that phrase in itself can take on a multiplicity of meanings and implications. I may be far from a low morale, or low self esteem person and probably everyone who knows me will agree, but I have become more than well aware of my limitations now and sometimes they just limit my worldview so much that the alternative is unbelievable. This is why when a certain someone tells me he misses me, I find it hard to believe him because I no longer think I am capable of creating such feelings in people other than Eunice. Not surprisingly, he always gets mad at me for my ill-belief but really, it's not that that I don't believe him, I just don't know if it is even possible.
I know this is weird and am probably already revealing too much in this overtly pensive mode I am in. Perhaps, all I am just trying to say is that affairs of the heart are alot more delicate than we make them out to be and even when you know the mess of it all is over, you realise how the ramifications of the event will never quite leave you completely but will one day stop haunting. It can't take over your life anymore but it will shape it in a way. Take heart in the fact that you prevailed and don't be forlorn or get stuck in a moment you can't get out of.
The Pity Parade
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Chand: "Sometimes you wonder why you decided to take that plane back here eh?"
Lav: "Yea, I must have been like oh wow, I need more work and stress so let's fly back home to Singapore. So I thought why not give up some fresh ocean breeze and morning dew for haze?"
Hui: "Nono, then we decided, oh wow, I have forgotten what sweat is like. Maybe I should go back to humidity instead of the nice chill of autumn."
Chand: "Yea, why trees and mountains, when we can have buildings?"
Sometimes I am just in awe at how many people are struggling as much as I am. I mean it is easy to think that I am all alone in this academic predicament or that I am not keeping as well afloat as everyone else but I think God has really blessed me this semester with the ability to just look at the bright side of life and many many blessings He has generously heaped on my plate.
It was so hilarious this afternoon though to run into Huihui outside the library as we caught up on stuff and exchanged information on each other's depraved academic status. It was not long before Chand joined us with her cup of coffee and we officially had a 'pity parade' of thesis worriers cum assignment junkies who had absolutely no idea what we are going to do when we graduate. It was really funny and I really needed that bout of laughter cuz it really has perked me and this whole week up. We had the whole 'why did we come back from the United States for this?' mockery (see above) and it really really cracked me up as I realised how I could laugh at myself so easily. Gone were the days of intense regret or weighing feeling of stupidity as I now trusted in an unknown future to someone much greater than me. It is so strange how the strangest or maybe I should say unexpected people have become my sources of comfort and encouragement whilst I in turn try my best to give them the same.
This is why I still smile everyday and look like I slept a solid 8hours when I didn't. Because I know God has provided over and above what I need and have and I will trust in that even my heart aches, my brain hurts and the worries of tmr seem to creep up on me. :)
Stolen!
Monday, October 16, 2006
Monday, October 16, 2006
I am so damn pissed. It's been a horrible way to start a Monday morning right at 8.45am! Hmpph.
I came back this morning to my hostel room to dump some stuff before class, only to find that that my shoe rack outside my room in a disarray. So I inched closer to my room door only to find my lovely new black heels from Sarawak were gone! They were freaking Valentino. Dammit! They were the perfect height and cut and was exactly what I was looking for!! And now they are gone.
And guess what? Those weren't the only one stolen. I realised my MONDO box cover was thrown across the corridor and the box was empty! My pumps were gone as well!!! Sigh. Well needless to say, I was hopping mad when I got to class at 9am and was so ready to kill. I have a recruitment talk tomorrow and it's office wear and I was supposed to wear one of those shoes. And now they are both gone!!!! :(
Hmmph. Well at least my brown heels from the USA are still here. I still can't believe that my shoes are gone. More than 50bucks worth of shoes!! Well I guess it's like Gina said, I should be flattered at the compliment that my shoes are nice enough to even be stolen and my fashion taste is covetable. Sigh. And here I thought I had such gigantous feet that no one would even want to steal shoes that they can't even fit!! Hmpph
A Garden That is Bursting Into Life
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Sunday, October 15, 2006
I almost always amazed at how God places blessings in my life in the form of people who always never fail to lift me. And he even knows who is best served for what purpose.
Like the ones who know my shortcomings and weaknesses and know when to encourage me and lift me up instead of drowning in my failings. Like the ones who know my strengths and remind me of them whilst reassuring me that I will be able to rise above circumstance. Like the ones who are always there for me to lean on even if it is for that additional support and nothing more. Like the ones who always remind me that they care. Like those who always know when I am in need of destressing. And especially for those who just sit with me and be my friend. God Knows what's best and I love you guys for it.
And today I really must say to these people who may or may not read this blog, that I am really really appreciative of your help, encouragement and love. I don't want to mention names but your love and encouragement is not unnoticed. And that to you it may just be words or even a motion but to me they mean everything. Thank you. I don't think I say it enough but thank you for coming into my life and not leaving me alone.
Oh and here is a special birthday shoutout to one of those special people God has placed in my life.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEREMY NEO!
I think this marks a decade in our friendship and I am so glad to have you. :) Have an awesome birthday dude. Hope you ravished down Aunt Susan's cheesecake. haha
Time Out
Friday, October 13, 2006
Friday, October 13, 2006
I think finally, for the first time in a month or perhaps even longer, I am having a nice slack weekend where I can potentially catch up on alot of lack of sleep and much needed rest. Yea, so I still have tons of school work due and stuff but at least I have a little bit of breathing space this week.
It was as if God knew that I needed a break, a small breather away from everything just to get perspective on life and recharge those waning batteries. So He ended up cancelling tuition, postponing Edmund's birthday party, and making this the church-free weekend, albeit the regular Sunday service and mission trip comm meeting. But well at least I have some air to breathe and lie on my sofa doing nothing but watch television and play with Claudia. It is nice laid back weekend-the ones I used to have so long ago I think I forgot what being free but yet not wanting to be busy was about.
So I have shopped enough this week for me for the first time since the USA to say that I am broke. I have 3 new bras, 2 new dresses, 1 new blouse, 1 new belt and birthday presents for 4 people who's birthdays have passed or are about to come around the corner so I am all prepared. Ok so I still lack Edmund's birthday pressie but at least Euns and I know what we are gona get him. :)
And well I can slowly feel my batteries being refilled and the fatigue rolling away. I can also feel the weight piling on with all these regular meals and rich food but well I know that in 2weeks, its gona be work, work,work again so maybe the weight will eventually be lost. hahaha
oh and
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARC!!!!!
Shopaholic? Perfect!
Friday, October 13, 2006
Friday, October 13, 2006
I have a new weakness.
It's a five letter word that starts with D and just makes me melt at the sigh of it. Just the way it looks and flows is enough to make my heart melt and all resistance futile. It's silhoutte enchants me and the way it flows so seamless is truly a feat no money can buy.
And for once, the form and magnitude it comes in is actually acceptable to me and I can safely say I am the owner of one too many of these. So what am I talking about?
Dresses! (Ok, so its 7 words when it is made plural)
Really. I am so in love with them suddenly. I never really used to be a big fan for they made my hips and butt look big and coupled with my fat arms, I rarely looked good in them. But now with this new empire waist line and flowing patterns and assortment of cuts of dresses that are as cheap as $15 and not a ridiculous three figure sum, I am in heaven! Ok so I don't exactly look skinny in them but at least I don't look as fat and that is all I can hope for at this stage in my life. Coupled with the fact that these dresses are oh-so-comfortable and light, I can wear them to school or out anyday! ahha So yes, I gave in to temptation and bought yet another dress this week and am still thinking about another. Sometimes I honestly don't think man. Sigh. haha
But it was so pretty really. And oh for the rest of you girly shoppers out there, you so need to go to VivoCity and its immense immense space! And while you are there, don't forget to pop by Forever 21! It is exactly the way it is in the United States and the one in Vivo, reminds me SO much of my favourite Forever 21 at Santa Monica, which of course stirs up one too many memories of Christina, Michelle (my cousins) and Junior (Mich's bf), and oh do I miss it so much!! :(
So what do you do when absence makes the heart grow fonder? You shop! :)
Your mercy I seek
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Please Lord, please. Don't let it be true.
Please.
I don't think I have ever pleaded or wanted something so badly from you but please, don't let this be true.
Because it can't be.
It just can't.
Please Lord, please.
Blame it on the weatherman
Sunday, October 8, 2006
Sunday, October 8, 2006
Blame it on school.
Blame it on the pressure to succeed.
Blame it on life.
Blame it on my lack of preparation.
Blame it on my lack of support structures.
Blame it on......whatever you want to.
But I still don't know why I have been feeling so emo-low these days. Like there is a leak in me somewhere and the energy is being drained out slowly so everytime I refill, it just empties out.
Sigh. I need to snap out of it. It's not PMS and I ain't sad or anything but yet I am so low. I need to get up!!
Grey's Hysteria
Sunday, October 8, 2006
Sunday, October 8, 2006
I am really beginning to wonder if the Grey's Anatomy script writers actually hire psychologists to ensure that their plots and TV series actually maintain a loyal fanbase and evoke feelings of extreme sadness coupled with the masochistic addiction to have more of such exaggerated melancholic hysteria.
Really.
I don't why no matter how many times I have watched Season 2, I still cry or at the very least remain pensive. And if you know me, crying isn't something I do much of unless I am earnestly praying at the Cross. But Grey's Anatomy just does it too. Of course not for the same reasons but it appeals to a whole different set of tenderness within me that sets of a whole stream of emotions even if I am not upset to begin with. Yesterday, I decided to watch the Season Finale of Grey's Anatomy Season 2 as a refresher before I watched the 3rd season and all I did was cry buckets that I did not even manage to watch Season 3. As embarassing as it is to say this, I ended up praying and seeing problems within me that God was picking at me to change. It is so weird.
I mean I definitely haven't cheated on a husband or boyfriend, fell in love with a superior or for that matter had a significant other who passed away, but yet the pain seems so understandable. Ok so maybe I have understood the pain of loosing someone to something else you could never fathom. But that's it. Somehow, in reel time, the pain of Meredith watching Derrick with Addison and the confusion that Derrick feels, seems so real. The pain that Addison feels in a loveless almost lifeless marriage that is being kept alive by a life support machine. For Meredith, to know that you have such an effect on a guy is the dream of any girl to actually leave a guy so into her, that even when he makes the right choice or for that matter, leaves her, it feels so wrong, there is a part of him that dies. Strange eh? This is kinda stuff I conventionally hate in real life or maybe its just a manifestation of things I will never do or have. Like having a guy so into me. Or maybe it is just so parallel to things friends are going through and how I see it as an outsider. I don't know.
Whatever it is, the Grey's Anatomy producers have a fan for life in me because I am exactly that masochistic despair junkie who for some reason finds those tears so precious.
F******* Failure
Saturday, October 7, 2006
Saturday, October 7, 2006
I did what I do best...again...and again.
I screwed things up.
Everywhere.
In school, with my friends and the guys. Just waiting for it to extend to everything else in my life.
Sometimes wonder where I inherited this unique ability to be such a jinx and a screw up. Sigh.
I am a horrible horrible person.
"