Walking Again
Wednesday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 30, 2006
I do realise my posts this month have been a tad more emotional, no brainer and at times just all out random. Maybe this has just been a stressful and emotive month that evoked such feelings but November ends today. It took me a while to post this because I wasn't too sure if I wanted this on virtual space but I figured this is my blog and my emotions that no one, including me, should supress wontonly.
Today was one day that I had not felt in a long time. Close to a year if you want to be precise. It was a day when I thought about him and how perfect everything was. It was a day of melancholy but no tears. It was a day that made me just breathe a little heavier and consciously battle mind over emotions. Needless to say, it affected my studying pattern and my mind was elsewhere but you know what, I think I needed today. I know I have been slacking alot and not studying as furiously as I should but things just keep happening.
I don't know why I thought of him today. Nothing too special happened or anything even remotely that reminded me of him occured. Maybe it was a song I heard on the radio that got me thinking but I woke up this morning feeling the fondness of memories lost and the tinge of pain that came with it. But what I am really grateful for, was what God made me see. I was no longer broken or disillusioned or unhappy. Yes, more than a year ago, I was all that and beating myself up for it. Heck, I used to spend almost every day in November 2004 wallowing in my misery.
Now however, I am different. Yes, it still scares me to know it happened but it no longer paralyses me. I think maybe the weirdest thing about how I am feeling today is the fact that I think I feel like I'm ready to try again. For a long time, I refused. I unconsciously made the decision to not try at all and even if I declared myself as 'open', it would be so in a limited way. But today, I really felt that I could wake up, feel and plunge in. Yes, I will never forget him or everything but today, I can truly say it's the buried past that will not be dug up anymore to justify the present or the future. Maybe it's a result of loneliness or fear or just desperation, but there is this peace and a sudden realisation that I believe and can officially not just move on with life but bring myself places.
So maybe I do want to try again. Or maybe I just need to know that I can try again. Or maybe, it's just time I throw away the fear and believe in His plan.
I can't explain this feeling
I think about it everyday
And even though we've moved it on
It gets so hard to walk away
I'm gonna remember you, you're gonna remember me
Walk away
Forever you live in my memory
Walk away
I can't forget how we used to be
Should I believe him?
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Lav: I'm beginning to think men just want me to not believe in them...sheesh
Kenneth: Well, when you're harbouring such thoughts.... you can always refer back to shining examples like me!
This boy always makes me laugh when I least expect it. So tell me now, should I believe him that good men do exist? He does have a fan club and a steady girlfriend, after all.
The Onslaught of Exams
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
So the exams began today. Probably wasn't a bright idea to start with such a bang that I had 2 exams on one day. I really figured that having exams of a level 2000 class and a level 4000 class on a same day was a manageable deal.
Boy did I think wrong. I do believe I sat for my hardest papers today and after a long time, I actually didn't finish a paper. That is along with the fact that I didn't finish studying for that paper either. That was another first by the way.
Sigh. I am screwed.
Maybe now I will have the motivation and energy to study and focus on the final 3 exams that occur back to back next week. I seriously need to focus!
I really, really believe.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Saturday, November 25, 2006
I woke up yesterday with a feeling that it would be “men suck” day. I know it sounds strange but really, as I was in the shower, I kept thinking that something strange was going to happen but I kept telling myself to, for once, be optimistic, and believe in the good and bright in life. So what started out as a usual thoughtful morning routine and some studying, was suddenly transformed into the biggest shock of my life when a friend revealed that she found out something unforeseen about her boyfriend- a real deal breaker to say the least. It was so strange and she was really devastated. Well, who wouldn’t be? He was always an interesting character and it was obvious he had something to hide, but this was just ludicrous. Well, not surprisingly, she wanted to drink and forget her pain and she asked me to follow her to Brix after our dinner discussion with our study group. It was such a hard decision. I was so far behind my readings but I couldn’t leave my friend in distress. So I screwed it all and followed my friend, along with some other friends, to Brix and consequently MOS. Yes, there was so much alcohol and silly moments but I think she needed to be thrashed for the night. This may not make much sense to the rational amongst us, but I do know what a fun girls night can do to a broken heart and it is a cure that cannot be discounted.
Perhaps what is very pertinent to the end of this story of Friday the 24th of November, is the fact that my jilted friend began to realize the power of friends and I began to realize the power of believing in love. You see, there can only be an ‘other’ when there is a mainstream, widely accepted norm. I began to internalize this ‘other’ by actually believing in love and guys, whilst everyone else last night celebrated their vacuosness. I realized the power of conversation, of up-turned collars and mixed accents. I realized how little there was for me here to appreciate because nothing here seemed to appreciate me. I realized why I only always flirted with the idea of believing, when I used to believe completely when I didn’t live here. I realized yesterday that I, my friend, know exactly my type. It’s the type that made me believe again. It’s the type who walked me home from school even when he biked. He’s the type who would talk to me at hours on hand, cook and tease me, yet always knowing where the boundaries lay. It wasn’t the lawyer who swept my away with his intellect, wit and charm. It was the boy who swept me away with his earnestness, heart, intelligence, humility and actions. It was the fact that he made me believe again when I was at the point when I thought I could no longer.
I think what scares me now is the fact that I know such people are rare. And even if I find them, it’s going to be hard to ascertain if the attraction would be mutual. It scares me to know suddenly that what I thought I wanted is not it. It scares me to know that I know that my family and friends will love the type I choose. And most of all, it scares me to know, that I may have to take a plane 14hours away to find it. Does that mean I have to leave everything behind?
Only God knows.
The Perfect Proposal
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Because, I can see us holding hands
walking on the beach our toes in the sand
I can see us in the country side
sitting in the grass laying side by side
You can be my baby
Gonna make you my lady
Girl you amaze me
Ain't gotta do nothing crazy
See all I want you to do is be my love
And I know no woman that could take your spot
Ughh I can see it coming. The smiles, the starry eyed wonder, the glint of mischief, the HOPE.
And that my friend, is never good.
Of humility and scariness
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Rach: I realised you like guys who are humble.
Lav: I do seem to, don't I? So strange. Perhaps it's the approachability and lack of egoism that I like? It is quite rare after all. Humility, intelligence and confidence.
Rach: Maybe. It certainly is attractive but I think for you it's what seals the deal.
Lav: Kinda man.
Rach: So that's just it. Humble, gentlemanly, intelligent and confident men get you.
Sigh. Why am I so into this humility and acknowleding of limitations phenomenon? I know it is rare but still, this is so not good. I know what impresses me but when I actually do get impressed, what do I do? Just pretend that I'm not.
On a side note, wonder who I impress? Have been told that I am scary and seem to intimidate some people with my sharp questions and tone. But gosh, I always smile and when I know that I may have come off too strong, I always apologise to the person. It never is a personal attack but a an professional one. I never am out to put one down or condescend but interrogate the thesis at hand. Sigh. I guess I need to tone it down eh?
Darinee and En En were saying I am rather scary given my calm and collected demeanour coupled with my articulate voice. How weird eh? Though they were quick to comfort me with the fact that know I ain't scary upon knowing me better, I am a little worried. Maybe I really need to be less pointed, even if I ain't abrasive or belligerent. So I guess it was really funny when I was talking to my mum today and I told her how my classmates felt.
Lav: Apparently some of my honours classmates think I'm scary.
Mum: You? Of all people? Are scary? Are you sure?
Lav: Apparently so. I am kind of pointed sometimes.
Mum: But we all are. We don't believe in mincing words and I don't think people should.
Lav: Yea, maybe the next time someone says I'm scary, I should ask them to meet my mum. Perhaps then, they will redefine scary.
Mum: Exactly. You're the most approachable of all of us at home I think.
I thought this was hilarious. I really am turning into my mum sometimes, it's almost scary. haha But no worries, my mum is really funny and approachable but definitely extremely firm and sharp. haaha
So that's just it. Wonder if I scare people in my CG? Always thought I was pretty smily and friendly. Lav will try not to be so sharp and scary while trying to be impressed by humble intelligent boys.
Fall Fling
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Lav: So he called me and was like eh I am having a fling.
Euns: You're having a fling!!! With who?
Lav: Hmm nono, not me. Andrew. The only fling I am having this semester is with Edward Said and his theories of orientalism.
Euns: Oh.
Lav: He really isn't that bad really. Rather good looking chap with an intriguing theory.
Sigh. I am so deprived that I have to live vicariously through my friends. Sigh.
Relief? Well At Least There Were Laughs.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Monday, November 20, 2006
Finally done with all the term papers for the semester!
Technically this is the point I sigh in relief but all I have at this moment in my stomach, is a strange knot of fear mixed with worry and stupidity, that I am going to only manage a B average this semester. I need to develop some phenomenal brain or wonderful writing skills sometime in this one week man if I want my luck to change. Sheesh.
If not for Poh Yen, I think I would have not have handed in my essay until like 10pm or something man. It really sucks when you are done with your essay according to schedule but pressing the print button proves to be the biggest bitch as you realise that there is ALWAYS something more that you could do.
Well at least, I now have a German translator for my thesis materials. Looks like the non-existent hunt for the German bf ends here with the discovery of Christina. haha Well and there was the wonderful dinner that made me laugh at the Eisen's silly jokes and Christina's brilliant impersonation of Farrell. And of course having Poh Yen walk me to the bus stop. :)
Ok well now that I am done writing for historiography, maybe it's time I read for it. Sheesh man. It's like going from the pot to the frying pan. Either way you're gona get burnt man. Sigh.
The Taitai dreams
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Mich: I am going to go to JC for the first three months but I ain't sure if I wana stay in JC. Just don't think JC is for me but then again neither is poly. It's so confusing!
Lav: haha don't worry babe. Just take it one step at a time. Really and pray. It will come to you eventually. Don't worry. Think about what you want to be or what you like and take it from there.
Mich: That's the thing! I don't know what I want to be or do! I feel so lost suddenly.
Lav: You're not the only one babe. JC just buys you a little more time maybe but its a fact that none of us really know. I'm 22 and I still don't know what I want to do.
Mich: Really? Even now?
Lav: Yup, even now, I still don't really know what I want to do with my life. Oh wait, I do, I want to marry a rich man and be a taitai.
Mich: Me too! But from now to then, I need a plan.
Jerald: Eh Lav, then why are you studying so hard? Quit school and start finding a man lah. Really. So smart for what. Just start finding a tycoon. Then share the benefits with us!
Lav: Good point. Why am I even studying?
Hmmph. My last term paper and Lav has no steam left. Sheesh.
Long Way to Go To That Dress
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Sunday, November 19, 2006
I am so in love with the red dress Cassie wears in this video! It is so fine, I just wish I could have one like it. It is just the perfect silk, perfect colour, perfect cut, perfect length and just the type of sleeves I like as well. Sigh. Not to mention a perfect bod like hers only adds more to my sudden need for that dress. Even if I know, that even if I had that dress, I would never look as good as her in that dress, I still love it.
Just go take a look. Even if you ain't much of a hip hop or RnB fan, just watch the video and tell me what you think of the dress. I swear 80% of why I like this song is because of the dress! Sigh.
And while you are at it, what is with all these Filipino-Black babes? First there was Nicole from Pussycat Dolls and now there is Cassie. Gosh. Maybe I should marry a black guy and have a really hot daughter. Better still a hot black British guy. Tsk tsk. Such dreams.
Repeating History or Repeating A Historical Act?
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Saturday, November 18, 2006
When this article was published in today's edition of The Straits Times in its coverage of Bush's visit to Vietnam, I just laughed.
It was so ironic because just last night, Kenneth and I had a long conversation of the parallels of war and how Vietnam and Iraq were so similiar. Although Kenneth minorly disagreed on the similarities between both wars, we both agreed on the rationale and the strange parallels in decisions by US Presidents and the electorate themselves. Kenneth raised a rather valid point about there not being a lash out by the veterans themselves as yet but I told him it would take a while and given that there isn't exactly the backdrop of Cold War politics, it may be a little difficult for the voice to be heard.
Well, it was just rather interesting conversation and I thought I would share it here. It kind of makes history come alive and how we suddenly see parallels like a stroke of genius. Of course apart from the fact that Kenneth and I had such a brilliant conversation, one that I never actually thought I would have with him, I do realise how that I am very blessed with the people around me who keep me sane and indulge me. Thank you friends for the laughs, intellectual stimulation and bimbotic moments. It really means alot to me. And I am still in awe at how so many of our conversations can straddle all those categories in one conversation alone-just like Kenneth did last night. Of course that made me delay my writing for histo paper but it certainly made me learn alot. :)
The Busy Month
Friday, November 17, 2006
Friday, November 17, 2006
I know this is weird but as I was editing my group paper for Farrell, I realised how much work I have due in this one month.
Last Saturday at Tara's wedding, Anne exclaimed how in less than a month, it would be yet another wedding! And it really occured to me today how in that one month, I would have done 3 papers, 5 exams, thesis planning and loads of mission trip planning. Sigh. This while all my church peeps bask in the freedom of holidays!
I need to slow down somehow.
Quelching the Grouch
Friday, November 17, 2006
Friday, November 17, 2006
I really ain't sure why but I have been really tired for the later half of this week eventhough it was not as busy a week as previous weeks have been. Yes, I am still rushing papers but well maybe because I know the end is near, I am little less shaken. Though the concept of a semester whizzing past me so quick really does scare me.
I ain't sure why though but I haven't exactly been in the brightest of spirits this week. Yes, I still smile, make jokes and laugh but really I could feel something in me being snappy, impatient and most of all irritated for no rhyme of reason. But I really thank God for charming my nerves and not letting it blow out of proportion. I know how it would have been like a year ago when I would have snapped, broken down or even vented my anger on someone but this year all I did was smile and laugh and just breathe when I could feel a snappy remark coming.
Yes, I will admit that I was more curt to some than I should have been but all in all, I was ok. It is like I have control over more of myself and it is the control that God gives me-not my own. QT today really made me sit up and laugh. It spoke of God giving us "depressing times" in our lives as a test of our humanity and that as human as it was to be happy, we had to be sad too but it was through the inspiration and grace of God that one is able to truly overcome those dark ages and if we do use our humanly intellect to overcome it, we never really will.
Well, as you can imagine, yours truly just laughed. Amazing how once you have been through those moments, you realise that you are so grateful it happened. I know I would have never known that I would have been able to laugh myself when I was going through it last year. But you know what's scary, I think a part of me remains in fear that something like that could happen again. But I really felt God prodding me that complete trust is not just about abiding but believing in the hands of God. Strange eh?
Maybe that is why for some strange reason I can smile and laugh even though I am tired and even though it is so easy to just slip into a depressive mood. Maybe the comfort of others in my predicament helps but for some reason that I can't pin down, there is this reassurance in my heart that that smile on my face is alot more natural and comfortable than that frown.
Ok enough of the spiritualities. I have been getting comments that my blog is way too spiritual but really I don't think so. There ain't any "holier-than-thou" notions, just random personal ramblings on what I feel and think. And I think I am actually glad then that God is the centre of it. I think that is the thing. When I broke under the pressure of it all years ago, it was God that mended it all together and right now, he is the glue and the pole that everything revolves around that I suppose that although I am still the same person, my identity will now always reflect He who put me together.
Commemorating the Death of Time
Friday, November 17, 2006
Friday, November 17, 2006
My watch battery died yesterday.
Yes, it finally ended its life on this earth and has left me alone with no time.
I don't think I have truly appreciated how valuable my watch really is. But in these 24hours that I have had no ability to see time without my handphone or laptop, I realise how important my dear watch is. I don't think I have realised how absolutely IRRITATING it is to flip open your phone to check the time everytime or ask someone for the time. I am almost going insane with my lack of a watch.
Little did I realise that I actually glance at my watch every 32mins. I didn't even realise that it was my alarm clock that made sure that I did not snooze too long on my bed. I almost forgot that it was my watch that made sure that I took no more than 20mins daily to get dressed for school. Weird eh? I didn't even know that it was this little watch that reminded me of when to eat, which probably explains why I am dying of hunger right now.
So now my left wrist lies naked with an obvious tan line from where my watch used to be. So until I change my watch battery or buy a new watch, I am time-less, hungry and lost for some reason.
I miss my watch. :(
Geek Alert!
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
I feel like a nerd. 10hours of being in the library.
Ok so I wasn't exactly like sitting there for 10hrs straight or for that matter doing constructive work. But...
Sigh.
Honours year has made me a nerd! :(
And you know what's worst? So are all my friends who are everywhere!!!
The Double Standard
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Ok so while waiting for my vainpot sister to get ready for the wedding, I thought I would blog about this. Maybe because I am wearing the same dress for the ceremony as I did for Prof. Murfett's in-class debate, that I suddenly had vivid flashbacks on what happened on Tuesday. Here's presenting my zany project group!
So amidst all the laughs and antics that transpired on Tuesday, one thought stuck with me. I liked how after Murfett's class, Darinee told Kenneth that he reminded her of me in his mannerisms and speaking style. Just a curious thought, but how come when guys exemplify this laid-back, "I'm cool" attitude, all the girls swoon but when a girl actually has, the guys just laugh?
So strange. Double standards. Hmpph. Nevertheless my dear friend Kenneth, who is the object of one too many obsessions, will always crack me up. Kudos to my group man. You guys were a riot to work with. Too bad Hongyan didn't wear a skirt though. I really am disappointed, but probably not as much as Edgar who wanted to see Kenneth without his shirt on-a sight I think one too many women with the exception of me and the other girls in my group, would wana see. I mean come on, have you seen this guy's shorts?
Oh we were supposed to be his leprechauns in this picture because his presentation was on Northern Ireland.
Kenneth has this idea that we should all start our niche websites to flaunt our various skills. Apart from our remarkable ability to colour code as seen from the pictures, we decided the following dot.com start-ups for everyone.
Jermaine: www.itstimetofocusandspeakrealfast.com
Huiting: www.econsinterpreted.com
Lav: www.analogy.com
Hongyan: www.thesaurus.com
Kenneth: www.howtomakegirlsswoon.com
haha ok so some of them are taken already but oh well! aha Anyway here is a final, more formal picture of us in the same order as stated above. Oh and see if you can spot my suave British professor in the background! haha
The Stupid Shopaholic
Friday, November 10, 2006
Friday, November 10, 2006
2 dresses, 3 pairs of shoes, 1 blouse, 1 bag, 1 pair of earrings, lots of candy, quite a bit of beer and champagne, quaint meals, a manicure and pedicure later, I am officially broke. I think I may have blew close to $300 in a matter of 3 days.
Coupled with my first B of the semester, I think I am officially broke and dumb-not just for blowing all that money but for doing so badly in school. Sigh.
Time to focus!!! Ughh.
Destressing MY way :)
Thursday, November 9, 2006
Thursday, November 9, 2006
Now this is what I call a good stress relief.
Good Conversation with Darinee and Rachel Chee on Wednesday.
An awesome girls night out with Mel and H on Wednesday night.
Unbrindled shopping on Thursday at Vivocity.
Cosy lunch with Jo,Jocelyn and Huei.
Awesome dinner with Euns and Andrew.
Much needed rest in the form of loads of sleep.
Sigh. Now that is what I call recharging your batteries. Oh and top it all of, there is still a manicure and pedicure that I have scheduled for today.
Well then after all this pampering and self indulgence, Lav will finally get back to studying and writing her final two papers. Gosh I am so taitai sometimes, it scares me.
The Heat is Soon To Be Over
Tuesday, November 7, 2006
Tuesday, November 7, 2006
4 papers and 4 major presentations later, I am finally glad it's over. Of course I am exhausted but well I'm glad that I always ensured that I got a decent amount of sleep every night. No all nighters. No coffee. No whining. Just prayer, willpower and work, work,work. Oh and not to mention that it was always coupled with lots of laughs.
You know, this is gona sound strange but I think I am going to miss my honours cohort. I really have learnt so much and am still learning. Not to mention the really good friends I'm making who actually think I'm funny.
Sometimes we never see what blessings God puts in front of us because we are too busy complaining and whining about all the rest that we do not have. Perhaps this is what the breakdown of personal will and surrender to His will is-a unequivocal acceptance that is by far no far blind and extremely appreciative.
Expanding Your Horizons
Saturday, November 4, 2006
Saturday, November 4, 2006
Sometimes categorizing people can be a bad thing. You know that way in which you decide which category each person goes on within days or weeks of meeting them? Or how you decide whether you even like that person within seconds of meeting them?
I think I'm really learning the art of not having categories or at least having wider categories. It's not even a case of being judgemental because I think everyone and anyone has categories in their life, in which they 'organize' the people and things they meet-regardless of whether it is an unconscious decision or not.
The history honours cohort alone has made me challenge these categories of mine. People who I thought would be my friends remain my friends, people whom I thought I would not like end up being some of the nicest people I know and yet again others whom I liked end up betraying that trust. Then comes of course, the most surprising category of people you simply slot out as people you don't ever intend to get very acquainted with but inadvertently do.
Maybe it's the whole making such good friends in my cohort thing. Or perhaps, I am still reeling from an obnoxious classmate's attempt at complimenting my looks and style after all the negative, tactless and derogatory comments he has passed in class aloud to students and teachers. Perhaps this human and more polite version of himself shocks me a little eventhough I do know that deep down he is a good person!
Or maybe it's yet another classmate and how he has utterly blown me away with his humility, honesty and intelligence. Little did I expect this stoic faced boy to have so much light in his eyes. And you know what Taryn, I do take a little more to him than I should.
It's so strange. Like how some of my categories are proving futile and others are only being reinforced even more. Weird eh? Well if anything, I have only learnt over and over again about the grace of God and the plan he has for me. How he is pushing me,moulding me and crafting me to be what he wants? QT lately has all been about suffering as a necessity in the refining process. About how we get so preoccupied with answers from God, we become disillusioned when we don't get the answer we want that we lose face and are spiritually dejected. But yet, we fail to see the higher purpose, the bigger picture, the ultimate aim.
I don't know if I will ever know what I am to do in life or how I will get there or for that matter, who I will end up with in life. Of course when I say this, I implicitly hold the unconscious hope that I will do something significant with my life and that I will end up with someone eventually. All hopes, but you realise that hopes and God's plan may not always go in sync but that does not mean its doomed for failure forever. Really. Afterall, why would God want his own child to sufffer?
So maybe when you strip those categories, widen its borders, expands its intake and smile at the result, you will realise that all those walls that used to protect you were not protecting anyone but keeping you away from everyone.
Refined By Fire To Be Fire
Friday, November 3, 2006
Friday, November 3, 2006
"God sends you a crisis in private, where no other person can help you. From the outside your life may appear to be the same, but the difference is taking place in your will. Once you have experienced the crisis in your will, you will take no thought of the cost when it begins to affect you externally. If you don't deal with God on the level of your will first, the result will be only to arouse sympathy for yourself."
Thank you God for putting those trials in my life-for breaking me, kneading me and raising me up again. For all those tears I shed, angst I went through and fear I felt, I know it was all worthwhile to be known and accepted by you.
Like a prisoner of war who goes through torture during interrogation by the enemy during the war, he only emerges to become a better fighter, a stronger nationalist and a greater person. What's the point of turning old and jaded when no one but you suffers as your soul is lost, your will displaced and all the love is gone?
Take heart my friends. Tired souls don't get rest. Obedient souls do.
"