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Displaced
Sunday, October 28, 2007 The speaker today said that love is a choice people make. I can't make that choice then. I'm sorry. But I just can't. I'm so sorry. Maybe one day, we will understand why. Just maybe. Hallelujah!
Saturday, October 27, 2007 Now that was good worship. Great work Nick,Marc,Michelle and Shirlyn. :) A Clean Heart
Monday, October 22, 2007 Cast me not away from thy presence, O God, Take not they Holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me, the joy of thy salvation. And create a right spirit within me. A Special Tribute
Monday, October 115, 2007 Happy Birthday my first and dearest Mr Neo. I miss you loads. :) think about it, next year, we may actually be able to celebrate your birthday together! Our first time in 5 years! hahaa god bless. don't do anything I would do. haha My Happiness Quotient
Monday, October 15, 2007 I think French movies + Italian food + Champagne + Awesome Girlies + Hilarious Conversation = Happiness. yea for a good weekend. :) Finally. Crazy Week
Wednesday, October 10, 2007 With my educational psychology project, concept package and my fieldtrip to Katong, all due in the next 24hours, I wonder if I am even going to get any sleep. Or for that matter, any rest. Sigh. And they are each worth about 30% to 40% each. Gosh this feels like school all over again, except with one too many group projects!! I can't wait for Thursday afternoon, when all I can do is SLEEP!!!!!!! Busy busy busy!
Thursday, October 4, 2007 I can't believe that I am so busy that I haven't even shopped all month! I usually find one or two days to escape and chalk up a huge retail therapy deficit. But guess what? I did none of those this month. I bought my first two tops for the month this weekend at a bazaar because Sharmaine wanted to see something...not even because I was looking to shop. Gosh. Being busy is really good for your finances. haha Maybe now I can save enough to go for 2 trips in December! Busy busy busy!
Thursday, October 4, 2007 I can't believe that I am so busy that I haven't even shopped all month! I usually find one or two days to escape and chalk up a huge retail theraphy deficit. But guess what? I did none of those this month. I bought my first two tops for the month this weekend at a bazaar because Sharmaine wanted to see something...not even because I was looking to shop. Gosh. Being busy is really good for your finances. haha Maybe now I can save enough to go for 2 trips in December! Random Rants (not meant to make sense)
Wednesday, September 19, 2007 I do think I judge myself very harshly but I have no choice. And at times, this translates to me judging other people that I have no cause to. Actually, I often am not judging them but just trying to make sense of things. But I guess I should just stop. haha It's their life to lead. I guess that is why I have stopped asking some friends to rethink their decisions. Who am I to intrude into someone's life when mine is far from perfect? And everytime I think, I need to lighten up, something happens and I am only reminded more and more of why I just need to. It's not even self-protection as it is literally a mechanism of life. Grace once said, that some of us are just not lucky enough in life to be protected from life's storms so we need to have a different reaction and expectation list. And I think she is right. So I have to be this way, even if I know it is not the best option. School's alot more rigorous than I thought it would be but its all good. Its the perfect time for me to be busy and I think in a strange kinda way, I enjoy being busy rather than wasting my life away and having idle thoughts. Life's going slowly on track. On God's track that is. :) I've learnt so much this year, and there is still 4 more months to go. Amazing isn't it? I am so humbled. And being more humbled. Our Deepest Fear
Wednesday, September 19, 2007 Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually who are we not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. Can't Stop the Pain or the Tears
Sunday, September 16, 2007 I'm down with conjunctivitis! My eyes hurt like hell and I keep tearing and sniffling.... Sigh. I knew I was gona fall ill soon or smth, just never thought it would come in the form of an eye infection. It's such a horrible time to be ill as well cuz I have so many assignments due this week and I have to speak again on Sat! Sigh. HELP! On the bright side, I actually can cry now involuntarily without inducing myself. haha Maybe God realised how much catharsis I need right now and gave me the perfect illness to let it all out. Quand j'ai peur de tout
Wednesday, September 12, 2007 I've been thinking alot lately about how much I live my life in fear. I fear my future, my success, my grades, and the list goes on. It's not so much that I worry that I fear. I always fear what the next step will be or if I will do the right thing or if I even know what I am doing. I don't know why exactly I have so much fear but yet I do. And sometimes, it becomes paranoia. Other times, it just cripples me into a defeatus decision. This morning, my Godmother sent me an SMS about fear and putting it aside in the name of God. Strange isn't it but that is really how I have been living since I came back from Europe. I suppose it would be alot more accurate to say that I have been feeling this way since my last exam in NUS but alas, its not true. Europe held no fear for me. It was only after I returned and figured out how much more my life is complicated that fear sank in. The SMS today said smth very pertinent that I should not "doubt my beliefs and never belief my doubts." Isn't that not so true? I have perfect answers and solutions to things. I know what I have to do and how to do it yet, I always fear and think of alternative situations that could hinder me. It's time I look forward and just trust my gut. Like with my future. As with my finances. And with him. I know what I have to do and all I have to do is follow it. I keep getting side tracked, doing fancy manouevers or even making extreme decisions. Just go with the flow. Don't fear and smile. Can we all live our lives like that? Free of fear, doubt or worry? And have that faith in God, find the peace in him and let him point the direction as we steer the wheel? I'm sure we can't. But the Holy Spirit can. Ain't That Funny?
Monday, September 10, 2007 hey Euns... Do you remember that around this time, about a year ago, Jac celebrated her super fancy-pancy 21st birthday at CHIJMES and we wore like ballgowns or smth? haha And do you remember staying over at my place and dressing up with my folks and riding the MRT with us and looking like my surrogate sister? haha And remember how after the party, Andrew, Jac and I headed to MOS while you had tea with Dhoby? I think it was the first time Andrew was so civil to her. And you got to hmm...be more complicated...haha And lastly, do you remember, who I met when we went to MOS? And how when I returned and met up with you to head home, I ended up gushing and smiling from ear to ear about talking to a certain someone for the first time? Or should I say for that person talking to me for the first time and knowing so much about me? It's so funny to think of that now, given all that has happened. And to think he still makes me smile the same way I did a year ago. And finally, now we stand one year later, with such an unexpected twist of faith that led us to an LKY CBM,an arduous thesis, Europe and so much more? Who would have thought one year later, we would have done so much eh? And ironically, who would have thought God would twists my paths even more with him? hahaa Isn't life funny, Euns? I miss you. :) Lost.
Thursday, September 6, 2007 I have so many things to say but yet I have no words. I have so many things to feel but yet I have no emotions. I have so many things to write but yet I have no ideas. So then it almost makes it strange that the song playing on the radio now is the answer to all the questions in my head. If you see me walking down the street Staring at the sky and dragging my two feet You just pass me by You don't miss me cry Time is laying heavy on my heart Seems I've got too much of it since we've been apart My friends make me smile if only for a short while Smells Like School
Sunday, September 2, 2007 This by far has been my busiest week ever. On top of school and all the assignments rolling in, it was the first week of me juggling 7 modules at a go. That on top of teaching my regular 2 tuition students. Then as if that was not enough, I had to speak at youth service on Saturday as well as impromptuly lead intercessory meeting because Sharon was away in London. Sigh. I have never felt so emotionally, spiritually and academically stretched all at once. It really feels like...dare I say it...but SCHOOL! hahaha Looks like I really have not escaped that cycle yet. But you know what is funny? I really enjoy it. Even if it meant I didn't sleep that much or laze around. Even if it meant, I was literally rushing everywhere. Thing was, I liked being under this pressure of sorts. Ok so I definitely did not like not spending much time at home and being reprimanded by the parents for coming back at 2am two nights in a row. But well, as far as I see it, its worth it and it's about time they realised emotional independence too. haha Anyway, this only marks the beginning of more stressful monnths and well I just have to brace myself. Well, on the good side of things, at least this means that I will get to save more!! :) haha The Popular Culture definition of Double Standards
Tuesday, August 28, 2007 I was clearing up and updating my Itunes and listening to a whole load of songs when the lyrics of the following two songs really hit me. What if I?... Had a thing on the side? Made ya cry? Would the rules change up?... Or would they still apply?... If I played you like a toy?... Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy Here's The Thing I Was Minding My Own Business Doin What I Do I Wasnt Tryina Look For Anything All Of A Sudden Couldnt Take My Eyes Off You I Didnt Even Know If You Could Tell That You Had Me In A Daze Sayin 'What The Hell' Not surprisingly, they are by two female artistes: Ciara and Jennifer Lopez respectively. There really is a double standard in life isn't there? Sometimes, I feel I have to fight so hard to be taken seriously. Like as the only female youth leader. Like the only vocal female in my NIE grps. Sigh. Women are liberated but we are also judged more harshly and I have no idea why. Sigh. Well it looks like it has seeped into popular culture as well and not just academic discourse. :) Help Needed
Monday, August 27, 2007 So what do I have to do, to get you to talk to me again? ... Any ideas? The more difficult, the better. :) A Wicked Sense of Humour
Tuesday, August 21, 2007 Ok so this is a really random post but I was reading this email a friend forwarded to me. It was a chain mail of sorts and this one was no different in its claim to boast of "50 Unrealistic Dreams Hollywood/Bollywood movies have given us" So being the nerd I am, I decided to read through the email for once, as opposed to quickly deleting it, like I always do. And then, just as I was about to laugh and delete this email as such bollocks, I stumbled upon no. 42. 42) Out of NO WHERE, an EXTREMELY good looking guy will appear and tell you how he has been in love with you for years and has to come to sweep you off your feet. Come on. It is REALLY funny. Except, I think I actually do lead my life much in relation to this one. Sigh. Or at least, at the moment, I think I may be trying to lead this one out. This is what is truly a WICKED sense of humour. I am such bollocks. That Curly Hair
Monday, August 20, 2007 One of my GESL grpmates made me do this. Its hilarious because I have done a similiar SATC test before and I was apparently a Miranda. But that was about 2-3 years ago. And now I am a Carrie? ahaha I suppose at the end of the 6th season, Miranda does become a Carrie. ahha Heck, everyone becomes a Carrie. ahha So maybe, so am I! Except Carrie though who kinda becomes a Charlotte. haha Boy am I excited about the new SATC movie!!
*Sob Sob*
Saturday, August 18, 2007 I really think I am running into a bad spate of luck or smth. Sigh. Everytime I think the tide has turned, something bad happens again. First, I started with some rather dire financial concerns due to Europe. Then, came complicated male issues. Then came sorting out NIE. And now, I have my car scratched for the SECOND TIME in one month. Why in the world is this happening to me? And this second scratch is huge, it almost spans the whole bottom of my left back door and it was anonymously done, so I only realised it when I went back to the parking lot. At least the last time, it was an "accident" and I am claiming that guy's insurance. What am I to do now? Needless to say, this time, my dad is hopping mad and is confident that I must have had smth to do with it. And of course, that has followed with threats of taking the car away because it seems to be such a "liability" to me. I don't even know what to say anymore. Sigh. I am poor, heartbroken, confused and now potentially car-less. But at least I am safe I suppose. I must take joy in my small blessings. Is your name as pretty as your face?
Thursday, August 16, 2007 Taryn is right. By jove, I gave her my entire syponosis in terms of "I think", "I'm sure", and "I need to know". I think I almost never said "I feel" or "I want". I really do think too much. Apparently, I am much more of a rational character that I made myself out to be. My, oh my are we in a fix. Sigh. P.S: Random qn but why do men look at the girl they are with intermittently during the movie? Any answers? Merci Mon Amies :)
Tuesday, August 14, 2007 Thanks everyone for the encouragement and smiles. I will try to pick myself up and hopefully let time sort this out. This weekend's drama has only taught me one thing: the value of friends and how much they will do for you. I think the one thing that kept me alive this week was knowing that if I just picked up the phone at any point, there would be a friend I could speak to and have them listen to be rant and cry. And for that, I am truly blessed. Over and above, what I thought I had. Thanks guys so much. :) I just now have to work on forgetting the time when time stood still and everything made sense. Because only if I do, will all this work out...somehow. :( Wanted: A Hug
Saturday, August 11, 2007 I'm really sad. So very sad. Jibberish Ranting
Saturday, August 11, 2007 Ughh so much confusion! I hate that I am yet again, blogging about the same object of frustration. I hate that I am dedicating so much airspace and energy towards this entire issue. It should just be over. But for some reason, everywhere I go, it seems to follow me!! :( EVEN AT 4AM IN THE MORNING!!! HELP!!! I am so not cut out for this. I seriously overestimated myself in this scenario man. Sigh. There is so much angst right now, I feel like I need to beat something or someone. Like seriously. To let it all go. Or like scream really loudly and let it all out. But you know what is funny? I ain't angry or sad or disappointed or happy for that matter. I am just ANGSTY. UGHHHHHH!!! I have regressed into adolescence- complete with the drama and intense emotions. Quick, someone save me! I need to grow up!! Incoherent Gibberish
Tuesday, August 7, 2007 Why can't I just press delete? Words like anything else, are constructs of the mind, subject to the recipient's interpretation that is often not in line with the sender's intent. It is when you put that meaning to those words that make you not want to forget that it ever happened. So, why can't I just press delete and erase the vapour I let crystallize? Cuz I am a pansy and my equally pansy post is in need of deleting as well. Tsktsk. My First Hit
Monday, August 6, 2007 So it finally happened. My first accident. Sigh. I was stopped at a road junction and about to turn in when an impatient vehicle on my left tried to squeeze his way through and scrapped the side of my car slightly. Sigh. Apparently, its this guy's fifth accident. Sigh. I really am such a careful driver. Can't imagine my first accident would come so soon. Feels so horrible to look at my car now and see a scratch. I am not even sure how much his insurance is going to pay for it especially since my car can only be repaired by BMW itself. Sigh. My poor, poor car. At least, my parents didn't end up shouting at me. Phew. I think for the first time they actually believe its not my fault. Let's just hope the insurance companies know so as well. My Coveted Runner
Friday, August 3, 2007 What would I do without Kenneth Khoo? ahhaa :) It's always good to know that there is someone out there who understands what you are saying and is on your same wavelength. I mean I know loads of girls who are but to have a guy on it, is indeed special. Especially when he is also far from gay and makes you believe that good men can exist. He is probably the only guy whom I have met in university, whom I have not known since I was a child, and yet have such rapport and trust with. I suppose he is my local version of Simon. ahha In a less complicated fashion. haha Its a pity we don't have too many classes together. At least we may be posted to the same place, so I'm just crossing my fingers here! haha Thank you Kenneth for those good chats, heart felt discussion and endless banter. You are indeed a god send. haha :) p.s: I haven't forgotten you, Mr. Neo. :) Too Much Seriousness
Wednesday, August 1, 2007 BUT I DON'T WANT TO SHARE YOU?????? What the heck man. Seriously. What the freaking hell. I am not a pawn on a chessboard. And I am certainly not playing this game anymore. Seriously. No more. Sheesh. Seriously man. How in the world do you get a right to say that you don't want to share me??!!! In fact, how in the world, do you get to say things like that and then get away with it? Gosh. SERIOUSLY! Unloving the Doveyness
Tuesday, July 31, 2007 Recently, one of my cousins who is doing her university ecducation in the US, decided to start a blog. Of course, it was a M-18 blog with rather abundant use of extreme words, emotions and even that occasional profanity. So as I usually do, I did my weekly read of her blog to keep to date with her life-the unofficial record that is, that her innocent parents are unaware of. And lately, they have been filled with comments and various rantings on her current squeeze and his wonderful attributes. Everyone gets mushy during the first few months of the relationship and she certainly pushes that limits to extremes with the amounts of declarations of love she posts online on facebook, her blog and every other online portal. But today, something really hit me as I read her latest entry on her undying love for her bf. It struck me that this was the 4th time I heard her say that she was "SO IN LOVE" with someone. It was the 2nd time I heard her say she can't imagine someone making her this happy. And maybe the 8th time she gushed about how lucky she was to find a someone so wonderful. Mind you, all these rantings have been on various other men and not just her current bf. And well, this just makes me very confused. Should I be a jaded sod and debunk all her comments as full of hot air and declare her an aimless individual? Or should I applaud her ability to always believe in love and go to extremes for the sake of a relationship? Its always so easy to take the first stand. And quite frankly, the second stand is much too whimsical. But really, the answer lies somewhere in between. It's made me think about the number of times I said I loved someone. Or the number of times I said I was so lucky to find someone so special. Or the number of times I thought someone made me so happy, I couldn't be any happier. And the answer to all the above and more is zero. Quite a downer isn't it for the ex bf to realise all this? But more importantly, quite a downer isn't it for me to have never even considered any of the above emotions. It's like some mental and emotional barrier that I cannot transcend for the entailing ramifications are too great. But yet I feel no sadness or need to transcend these barriers. I know when I will and it will be for the right reasons and will mean only that much more. This is why I told the girls last week that I have no wiles, no pretensions, no secret traps like ALL other girls have. I am black and white, take it or leave it. And I think that is what I will be for a long time to come. If you can't handle it, then oh well, too bad for me. But really, I am not going to trap you into anything. So many girls do and even many of my favourite and independent friends are exactly the same. Sometimes knowingly, sometimes unknowingly, but they have the ability and the know-how to really pull off a convincing trick that reels in a guy hook,line and sinker. And I suppose, my cousin is just one of these girls. Her constant gushings of love may be a sympthom of her ability but it is also a by-product of it. And while I don't think I quite understand it, I definitely do recognize it. Just don't expect or pressure me to fall into it. Don't say that I will be the same way when I am love struck. Don't say I am just being a sour lass about the whole deal. Because I have no right or need to be. It's a question of choice and personality and this is mine. You can't predict the future and neither can I, so let's go with the flow. Until then, lets see how long this lovey dovey relationship lasts and what my aunt and uncle are going to think about this. ahha Adult Teething Problems
Friday, July 27, 2007 Gosh I haven't blogged in so long! Especially given how I used to blog at least three times a week. I suppose this has just been a rollercoaster month. Loads of things have been going on but yet nothing at the same time. Adjusting to this new phase in my life as an adult with a career, and responsibilities is seriously taking a longer time than expected to get used to. You realise the value of planning and weighing your options. You realise the need to prioritize. You realise the need to say no even when you wish with all your might that you could say yes. Yes, I am learning alot. I am giving myself a month or two to see what this adult life is like before I come up with a proper action plan. So I guess that translated to no blogging as well. I didn't want to note down or record particular instantaneous emotions when I have had no real time to think about things objectively and ascertain my stand on things. I have never been frivolous and I certainly don't intend to start now. I suppose that is what these next few months is about. Sorting things out and being sure. Just the other day at dinner, Euns asked me what my opinion on a certain issue was and what exactly it was that I wanted from everything. And I ended up giving her a tirade of sorts and a verbal manifestation of my thoughts but yet I had no real concrete stand. And at first I thought it was because it was due to the fact that I was not sure, but increasingly, I realised that it is because I know that I can't follow through with my decision even if I really, really want to because I have too many other responsibilities and other issues to attend to and sort out. I don't even know which one of the things in my mind are more impt than the other but I know that I definitely must work smth out. Sigh. Life is certainly getting interesting. Like a good Harry Potter book that has numerous twists and turns. Except this time, it has no pre-destined end. It is still being written. Happy Birthday lav. :)
Sunday, June 24, 2007 Thanks everyone who remembered my birthday for being there for me. I must say that this year, I almost forgot it was my own birthday until certain people reminded me and Euns, Dhoby, Edmund and Andrew surprised me with a wonderful dinner at Bobby Rubinos. So I didn't get to make as many bday dinners or outings as I would...and well, alot of other people forgot..and usually, I would be rather disappointed and even disillusioned but this year, I am surprisingly not upset or hurt. Because there were alot of other small surprises...Like dinner with Chindia, a wonderful youth comm meeting with the older ones, an awesome dinner and drinks affair with Leo, Grace and Chini, Jon and Joel surprising me in church to take me to lunch, the pressie from the CG, the surprise bday cake in church and the list goes on. And for that, I had a worthwhile bday enough. Yes, it was relatively more low key than ever before. But I think thatz what it needed to be after the exhilarating events of this year man. That and the fact that I really have too much going on in my mind right now. Sigh. No long drives anymore
Saturday, June 23, 2007 Gosh do I want to take THAT car for a spin. Unfortunately, I think the car may no longer be on offer. Tsk. Oh well. The Time Has Come?
Wednesday, June 20, 2007 Gosh would I wana try this medley in church one day!! hmm.. think we can do it, my dear musicians? I Could Be The One
Tuesday, June 19, 2007 I wonder what I've got to be For You to wanna use me I do not always have just the right words to say But You taught me simple things That I'd love the chance to bring To a world of people who just simply need You Doesn't matter where I'm from Where I've been How far I've come Doesn't matter where I live Or what I have You want my life Doesn't matter who I know Or what I've done You Take it all You want me as I am I could be the one Someone You're looking for I don't have much to give Lord, I'm ready And through You I could be the one Whatever You want me to do I will hold on to What You say can be done I could be the one It is amazing to see That You chose people like me Who get off track, fall, crashin' down to the ground But that's when You pick me up And show Your strength is enough You can use a broken heart to heal a broken life Doesn't matter where I'm from Where I've been How far I've come Doesn't matter where I live Or what I have You want my life Doesn't matter who I know Or what I've done You Take it all You want me as I am I could be the one Someone You're looking for I don't have much to give Lord, I'm ready And through You I could be the one Whatever you want me to do I will hold on to What you say can be done I could be the one Someone You're looking for I don't have much to give Lord, I'm ready And through You I could be the one Whatever you want me to do I will hold on to What you say can be done I could be the one Bright, Bright Shooby-Doop, Shooby-Doop Bright, Bright Shooby-Doop, Shooby-Doop-Doop Bright You take the crazy things You take the weakest things You use the foolish things To show Your glory Lord take my broken heart Take all of my mistakes Please, take all of me I want to show how great You are I could be the one Someone You're looking for I don't have much to give Lord, I'm ready And through You I could be the one Whatever you want me to do I will hold on to What you say can be done I could be the one If You say it can be done I believe I could be the one The Insight That Is Much Needed
Monday, June 18, 2007 We have been talking for 3 hours. And I am not even listening to anything you're saying but praying to God for all of this. I think there may be something wrong with me. Like seriously. I am just waiting when the answer is given. Like literally. What happened to what I wanted? gosh..gosh..gosh. Refreshed
Monday, June 17, 2007 So leaders retreat turned out just like youth retreat. Or even better maybe. Because for one I took real affirmative control. And I realised how surrendered I am now right now. Lord, I so want to stay like this. Help me be this close and even closer in the days to come, to you O Lord. Being Extraordinary
Friday, June 15, 2007 Gosh retreats are called retreats for a reason man. I can safely say that this year's youth retreat could not have come at a more timely juncture. It was a year of firsts for me when it came to youth retreat. For the first time, I was not directly involved in the committee as I was away for a month. For the first time, I literally just followed along with the schedule of events, instead of consciously planning or heading things. For the first time, I actually was obedient to God's call and follow in his boldness. For the first time, I felt like I was needed in more ways than leadership would allow. Even at the start of youth camp, I was a mess. Parts of me still pondering on the lessons of Europe and new realisations. Parts of me harbouring negative emotions to certain people in my life. Parts of me wanting to escape my impending working life and to return to the wonderful escape of an undergraduate. Basically, I stood at the brink of youth camp, confused, late for camp, angry and holding grudges and so much more. But now at the end, I am so at peace. There is a joy within me and I can feel so much serenity and discernment when dealing with all the issues that are up and coming. I really do want this to be the start of my new epoch in life. And it really felt that way from the 5th of May to the 31st of May but from the 1st of June to the afternoon of 11th of June, it really felt so very different. For 11 days, all I was feeling was confusion, hurt, questions, anger, intense worry and overwhelming fatigue. But the Lord has taken it all away. And you know what is even better? He even answered the questions and led me to new answers. And for that I am so blessed and amazed by His amazing love and grace for me. And you know what is odd? It was not the messages preached at camp or words spoken by pastors that ministered to me. Don't get me wrong. I really enjoyed Pastor Caleb, Pastor Charmaine and Pastor Ban Hui's sessions but beyond a certain point, it seemed like they were not saying anything revolunationary to me that I was not already sub-consciously aware of before. But to me, it was those quiet times with God. It was the worship, the prayer and the silence that ensued when so much was revealed to me. And I think that is how the rest of my life from now on till the new era is reached will be. It will be one of gentle observation, quiet revelation and intense fulfillment. I have learnt to flow with Him and his plans. To see how things play out and not second guess everything everytime. I will cast aside these worldly worries and concerns and be undignified for you Lord. I am extraordinary and I will never settle for anything less for you. Special thanks goes out to all my dear CGers who showered me with so much love and concern, especially when I hurt myself on the rocks. Thanks so much to Shawn, Terrence and Sharon too for all reaffirming my beliefs. Good job camp comm for weaving a seamless camp! The small boys need a special shout out too, for their hilarious comments, unassumingly deep questions and fervour that I will never forget. I think really, I am not as much happy for being ministered to as I am so overjoyed that quite literally, almost everyone has had a new revelation unveiled to them that they must step forth into. I am not as happy for myself as I am happy that everyone is happy. Because to me, that is what makes me happy. Need to Learn...
Saturday, June 9, 2007 You know sometimes, I wish I was one of those girls. You know the ones who know how to cook, clean and be all nurturing. I wish I could be one of them. You know how they just love to cook and have friends at a dinner table, just because it feels so right. Or how, they will always clean and never let you lift a finger when it is not even their house? Or how they will always fuss over you, know the right remedies to any ailment and always take care of you? I wish I was one of those girls. But unfortunately, I am much too lazy to be any of those. Weird eh? and you know what is the best part, I think it is because my mum isn't much like that too. She never understands why people cook for no reason at all what so ever. And well sometimes I don't too. But nonetheless, she loves to clean and is very nurturing and 2 out of 3 traits is awesome. And I suppose, every girl I know has at least 1 of those traits. Seriously. And yes Grace, you do too. You are nurturing. And Euns, you are at least 2 out of 3 of them, even if you will never accept it. I think its time I shape up man. Like seriously. Cuz I think even some men are beating me to these supposedly feminine traits. And that is very scary. I can be sooooo lazy sometimes. Exactly What Happened Last Night
Thursday, June 7, 2007 Last night, I couldn't even get an answer. Tried to call, but my pride wouldn't let me dial. And I'm sitting here, with this blank expression. And the way I feel, I wanna curl up like a child. I suppose the rest of this song is irrelevant or an exaggeration of what I feel and I certainly hope not what I will eventually feel. I need to harden myself. Be completely strong. And only then can I pick up that phone and dial. Sigh. Except now I don't know what is harder: hardening myself or picking up the phone. Ugh. I need a new vacation. Or life to go in fast forward so I don't agonize over this anymore than I should. Like a bandaid-quick and fast. Hurry, Lord. Please. Just remove it. It is going to happen eventually. Just do it now and save me more pain. Please. Grey's Anatomy Blues
Wednesday, June 6, 2007 He has hair like McDreamy. Great. Now I have more reasons to tear when watching Grey's Anatomy. And my sister accidentally deleted all the messages in my inbox along with the ones from him and lots of other special messages from friends. How brilliant. My one memory. Tsk. I can now only live in the wake of it. Home. :)
Wednesday, June 6, 2007 I'm back! After 31 days of being away, I am finally home and settled. And of course on a really strange sleep cycle that has me awake at like 4am in the morning. But I am sure that by tomorrow, I will be back to normal. I am not too sure if I am jetlagging as it is that I am just too tired and just keep sleeping at every available second that I don't have to be sending out emails or doing stuff for church. It feels strange to be home in my own bed and room and not in a random hotel or living out of a suitcase that required great creativity in mixing and matching outfits. Feels strange to not roll over in the morning and not see Euns doing quiet time or asleep with her mouth open over her book. hahaha But hey, having my own bed, a wardrobe and my own toilet is always a great welcome. Been realising how much I missed everyone at home. Yet on some level, I really wish I was away still. Strange eh? Have been sorting through some pictures and I realised how many random people I met in my month in Europe. I even had some of them add me on facebook and hey, I didn't even realise how good looking some of them were until I looked at their pictures again. haha I guess backpacking can tend to run one down. haha I really hope I get to do this again some time soon. I think I could really travel for a long time. I decided I am the kind of person who when travelling must travel for a long time like a 15day stretch or more. It may only be once in 2-3 years but it must be for a longer than regular amount of time. In that way, I get to see my vacation venue in greater totality and I also get to create new bonds and relationships where I go. When you do the brief 10 day holiday somewhere, it is just a short-lived escape somewhere and you cling to old relationships. But holidays to me are about breathing and discovering new things and for that I need more than 11 days. And doing these short holidays too frequently also takes away the rechargive quality to a vacation but more of a motion or a shopping ritual-neither of which I am entirely for though an occasional 4 day hiatus somewhere near should never be dismissed. Still, my point is that long holidays are necessary every 2-3 years or so. Really. So you can take stock, move on and be truly free. Being back now has been scary. Been buried in a pile of convocation responsibilities, NIE forms, church planning and of course financial woes. ahaa I've also not told many that I am home, except for those who have seen me online. I think I conveniently did not tell many exactly when I was returning and I know it is my responsibility to text them or smth to tell them of my return but yet, I don't know if I want to. It is all very strange. I really want to see alot of my friends and swap stories and stuff but at the same time, I feel like I want to keep to myself for a bit. Like I need some time before I fall back into the performativity of life. And given my new found conclusions and thoughts about various issues, I am finding it increasingly difficulty to find the courage within myself to manifest these feelings. Or to even accept them. I just need more sleep. And a jolting of the 28 days of good memories and not the last 3 days of sordid awakening truths. A Failed British Rebound
Friday, June 1, 2007 So here is a little short note from London- the supposed climax of my Europe trip that now appears to be a rather weak crescendo instead. Don't get me wrong, London is awesome and I still feel like I should move here for some point in my life. After all,if one is bored by London, you must be bored of life. haha I guess it just isn't going the way I hoped. And no, unlike certain other countries like Rome, I didn't have any castel built in the air for London besides soaking in a true English lifestyle. But circumstances aren't in my favour. But I am still determined to make the most of it. Especially since everyone else around me is cheerier than they ever were. But I am nonetheless enjoying myself. With everyone else and everything else than what I thought I would. haha oh well. And I suppose the saddest part of this tale is that I started off this rendevous with spontaneous hope for us as our journeys together became more entwinned. But now this rendevous has ended with a stab in my heart and a painful realisation of the reality that stares blatantly in front of my previously blind sight. I can only pray now for the courage to press on and accept the truth without prejudice. So much for a British rebound. I want to be back in Ios, where reality was but a construct and joy was imminent. :( Greek Lover
Tuesday, May 28, 2007 Love is spelt G-R-E-E-C-E! Or more specifically I-O-S! I decided I ain't coming home. Send me a postcard to tell me how everyone is doing. haha :) Unworthy Blessings
Thursday, May 24, 2007 Sometimes being so far away from home, realising how deep history can be globally, makes one realise how big and how awesome this world is. Really. Makes me glad to be a history major. Also makes me feel so small in this world that God created. Italy is fast becoming one of my favourite countries. It has so much history, good looking people and good food. In Rome right now and its not as awesome as I thought it would be but it has its charm. Despite all the bad stories of pickpockets and gypsies and stuff, there have been none of that thus far but just loads of nuns and hilarious Americans. On the really 1.5hr train ride to Rome from Florence, I started thinking alot about my life right now. It was an awesome train ride that could give any decent airline a run for its money. Really. It was like only SGD55 but it was such a comfortable and laid back train ride. Maybe its the wonderful Italian sun that has me all sentimental and smily but I realised how wonderful life and especially my life is. It may not be what I planned or what I thought it would be, but its perfect. I have what I need, people I love, people who love me and most of all I have God. I get to do things people only dream about doing. I have confidence and faith in so many things that people can only imagine ever exists. But the Lord has been very merciful and blessed me with so much grace. And I am humbled. really. I keep hearing of all these bad things happening back home. UNSW closing down in Singapore leaving Sharmaine university-less. Uncle Steven having cancer. Marc's aunt having a heart attack. My aunt giving birth to a still born child. Exam results coming out tomorrow. Sigh. It really makes me want to be back home and around with the ones I love. But yet, there is something that is keeping me here. Like I need to do this for me. It is so selfish and I hate it and I spend so much time everynight praying and thinking about people back home. But yet, I don't know if I want to be home. Maybe I am being an escapist and living further aware from my reality would maybe make the problems go away. And then when I think maybe I should figure something out and stay in London and work for another month or so before I start work for MOE, something happens. Something pulls me back. And it is the dumbest thing ever. It is the worst thing to say and the most frivolous thing to want to come home too. But I do. And all it took was an email. And the constant memory of quotes. And I know I need to come home and find out what it is that God has in store for me. I need to know. Maybe I will be disappointed. Maybe in the end, it will just be like the rest of my life-BLEAHZ. But does it matter? No. Because the Lord has always provided for me. And there is no reason for me to ever think otherwise or to ever take it for granted. Ever. Ciao Bella!
Monday, May 21, 2007 They say the beauty of life is when you realise that the joy within yourself. And I think I have it here. In Europe. I realised it in Venice, Italy but I think I its just being here. Abroad. And even Europe. Is then weird that I am more happy when I am abroad, meeting the craziest of people? I am happy at home but I don't think it can compare to how happy I feel abroad sometimes. It's so strange. Off to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa tomorrow, and hopefully buy some good Italian shoes! Bonjour Mon Ami!
Friday, May 18, 2007 Finally in Paris! Can't imagine that after everything and all the hype, I am actually here in the land of so many battles, history, artifacts and of course romance. It is a little over-rated but hey, its one of those things you have to do at least once in your life ya know? Like seeing Rousseau and Voltaire's bodies in the crypt. Almost too surreal and you realise how unworthy you are to even stand before the greatest thinkers of the 19th century. haha The weather has been perfect with a wonderful breeze and sun. Can't imagine how well dressed and good looking French people are. Makes me realise how slack we are back home about at least looking decent. Well am off to see the Jean for dinner and the Palace of Versailles. Super excited! Miss everyone soon. And yes Marc, I will hunt for that elusive Ferrari for you! Au Revoir! Irish Greetings and Good Looking Men
Tuesday, May 9, 2007 Greetings from Ireland. Waiting for Simon to cook dinner, so I decided to check mail and blog for a bit. I tell you the boy can cook so well. He is making Thai Chicken curry! He is awesome man. Gosh will I miss him. Again. Ireland is amazing. The countryside, the cliffs, the natural landscape, the people and even the cows seems surreal!! Been travelling around alot and its been a real good first few days in Europe with Eun's aunt and uncle taking care of us in Northern Ireland and now Simon to cook and let me sleep on his bed in Dublin. Life is good. Hope everyone else is good too. Meanwhile, I am also beginning to see where my hockey player comes from and understand him alot better. That also means that I am thinking about him and that is not very good. But who cares when you're in Europe eh? Oh and the next time, you ask where all the good looking men are, I have the answer. They are in IRELAND!!! I want to stay here for as long as possible. sigh. Now I sound like the hockey player. Not good. haha PRAYER REQUEST!!!
Friday, May 4, 2007 Please pray for my travel buddy, Eunice. She has taken very ill this whole week and we fly off tomorrow and the girl is still ill. Please pray that she will get better to fly and that her new drugs will help. She may have atypical pneumonia which is a REALLY bad bacterial viral infection. And her parents are really not willing to let her fly tomorrow. And now we are lost. Really hope she gets better. Cuz we really dont know what to do, if she doesn't. Sigh. Viva La Europa!
Wednesday, May 2, 2007 I am so unbelievably excited!!! Can't wait to go to Europe. Been reading up alot on Italy and Greece and now I am so in love with seeing the things I can see, I think I may quite literally die of happiness when I see Santorini, Pisa and the Hagia Sophia. Anyway, here is where I am going, for those who don't know yet. 
If you have been to these places, please do give me pointers ya? I really am a bull in a china shop when it comes to this trip. Au revoir Etudiants!
Tuesday, May 1, 2007 I'm done. It's over. I have been emancipated from the yoke of undergraduate studies! No longer am I a slave to term papers, endless deadlines, academic pressure, a sensitive GPA, steep NUS staircases, incredibly cold libraries and living on a chocolate waffle everyday. I am now a free agent. And quite ready to take the next step. Ok maybe not. But, I am sure as hell ready to go to Europe and bask in my new-found independence and escape from my pending adulthood and career. So technically, I still have one more year of post-graduate training. But still, it will no longer be the same kind of academic I was subjected to for the past 18years of my life. That is right man. I have been studying for 18years of my life. And you know what is funnier? I enjoyed every moment of it and could actually go on studying. Crazy rite? Sigh. I surprise myself sometimes. So anyway, the celebrations are on full swing. I'm on a manic rush trying to move out of hall, get my room at home in order, plan my Greece-Italy-Paris leg of the trip, pack for Europe, meet up with friends who are leaving the country for good, meet up with much neglected friends and leave for London by this Saturday night. But I ain't complainng. Cuz nothing makes me happier than having guilt-free fun. Oh and for those who still have exams, hang in there. The end is VERY near. Till then....au revoir NUS etudiants, au revoir etudiant en lettres, au revoir universite, au revoir etudiants en echange, au revoir etudiants avec mention, au revoir professeurs, au revoir Eusoff Hall. p.s. I hate lying, cheating and philandering boyfriends. Tsktsk. Renewed in You
Saturday, April 28, 2007 I think everytime I think I know what God wants me to do or what the next step he has for me is, he always challenges and throws me to this whole new level. It is so utterly amazing. That someone can know my mind and pre-empt what my next step is, even before I make it, and yet always be there to catch me and guide me along. Youth service today was rather different from any of before. Worship was awesome and I could really feel like everyone in the congregation wanted to be there, to pray and be in one community with God and his children. Andrew Yeo proved to be a rather interesting speaker. Can't say that he was exactly my cup of tea but what he shared was definitely something I needed to hear. And then came the prayer and ministry that followed. You know, for years, I have always been the one helping to pray for people or been prayed upon in a generic form of way. And yet suddenly yesterday, after he prayed for Marc and I stood behind him to catch my dear boy if he fell, Andrew made a beeline to me immediately instead of the boys down the line and said the words I had felt in my heart for a while now and needed to hear. And he said more that I never really imagine could really happen! After so many years of never really receiving a prophetic word or an eye-opening experience, I got it all yesterday and a renewed vision, an enriched hope and a greater direction. It was amazing. I remember back in secondary school and in JC, I used to always receive prophetic words at church camps, revival meetings and stuff like that. But then suddenly along the time I hit university, all such revelations kinda stopped or if anything were not as inspirational as I thought it would be. So you can imagine how shocked, elated and touched, I was last night. Perhaps it also because it comes at an extremely timely gesture. Just one week away from my one month European rendevous, it is the perfect time for me to take stock and reload and focus for this step and walk with him. Instead of being caught up in the motions and being too busy to think about what God unveiled to me yesterday through Andrew Yeo and in my spirit, he brought it out to me at a point when I was going away to re-evaluate my life and also when I would have graduated and be ready to take that new direction in my life, instead of floating aimlessly, as I was much afraid of being. I am so excited. And as if by some great cosmic force, I also received new insight and direction regarding another rather recent but pertinent issue in my life. And I am so grateful. And humbled. And blessed. I love you, Father. And I will be the spark you want me to be. What a wonderful revelation just before my last exam! :) The Last Push
Friday, April 27, 2007 Two exams down and I am 2/3 done. In less than 3 days, I will be done with school altogether!! :) Today's exam was so bad. I so screwed up one question. It wasn't hard but I glossed over the details and was extremely wishy-washy. Probably a C+ at best. Now I can only hope that the other question saves me. I really thought I could try to do well for this class. Sigh. I was averaging such a wonderful grade in this class some more, but with the sudden professor change in the last 4 weeks of class and the previous professor being forced to return to the United States due to urgent family matters, I too have suffered a slow death. I can only pray now that some mercy is bestowed on me and I do well in my other classes. Sigh. CONCENTRATE LAV! LAST EXAM OF YOUR UNDERGRADUATE LIFE EVER IS AHEAD! Stop Impressing Me.
Thursday, April 26, 2007 I wonder if you realise that if you continue to do this, it is going to be very hard for me to think we are just friends. I wonder if you realise that if we continue like this, it is going to be very hard for us to just be friends. And I wonder if you wonder. Hot Babe with Hot Wheels
Tuesday, April 24, 2007 Meet my new baby!:) The lovely parents decided to give me a graduation present in the most wonderful way ever. It's so American yet so not, and I love it. I still have to fork alot out but hey, if it goes with my reputation, who am I to complain. :) Euns said a hot babe needs hot wheels. And I couldn't agree more. haha Delivery is expected in a week. I am so happy! Thanks Mummy and Daddy! :) I'm Alive
Monday April 23, 2007 I know I haven't posted in a while. And that usually means one of three things. It's either a) You are too busy to blog. b) You are very free but have nothing to blog about. c) You lost interest in blogging. Well, I haven't been all three, but maybe more of a combination of all three. Ever since I handed in the last of my term papers ever 2+ weeks ago, I went on an hedonistic rampage which involved meeting up loads of friends, eating, drinking, watching movies and the list goes on. I was really sick of everything and it was like something within me that had been so good all semester kinda snapped and I just let loose. And no, before you wonder what happened, I did not go on a crazy let's go wild rampage ala some people I know. But I just decided to lead a carefree and almost hedonistic life for a bit. It would even be safe to safe that at one point, I had actually been rather intoxicated for about 72 hours straight. But it was a happy kinda "be merry" and not scandalous or too wasted kinda high ya know. It never pushed a dangerous limit and I stood by my boundaries but yet I let loose. For once, I had no worries, no responsibilities, no fears and no pressure. It was just guilt-free, innocent fun. I would say that it seemed like I graduated but really it was more than that. It was more of an escape week-much like my exchange in the United States was. A time for fun, minimal worry and all the time to take stock of my life and take the next step forward. So you see, basically alot happened and I was sorta busy but yet I was really free. Strange rite? Well let's just say this in a nutshell. Never had I in one week of such brazen laziness ever had such good grades, been so romantically sought-after, spend so much money yet save so much money, be a globetrotter and still all in all come out recharged, happy and not step on anyone's toes. Maybe this was my little dramatic holiday I had been asking God for. So there were a few negative moments like being unhappy with Euns about her Irish oversight, finding out what a lying sleazebag a friend was and realizing that another old friend proved to be such a waste of my time. But you see, I think what I learnt in these past two weeks is about your perspective. About how you wish to see things. You want to dwell in the bad? Fine. But don't complain that there is no good, because you are just choosing to be blind and not see it. So I chose to see the good of my past two weeks. I learnt that Singapore is about as small as I make it to be. And my life is about as unhappy and mundane as I make it to be. I have learnt small joys that can actually be BIG joys. I have learnt preseverance. I have learnt to stop being a matyr and repressing certain of my needs and emotions for the good of others or really the protection of my ego. But to really, live and let live. And live that life of faith, God has really been challenging me for this past semester. I want to live for Him and let Him take control. It's not laziness, it's not fatigue or fear, but a strong and determined belief in Him. You see, I've come to realise no matter how smart or how careful you plan, nothing can come out as planned. But yet we still do. Turning to God should not be an alternative just because our human prowess fails us. It should be because we have learnt to trust Him. This semester, I have trusted in Him and leaned on Him so much that even I did not realise it. You see that is it. I think my self-control and defence mechanisms are fading out and God is taking the wheel. I know it isn't going to be easy and I struggle everyday but He has heard my call and is teaching me slowly. And I am learning. :) Ice Creams are Dangerous
Tuesday, April 17, 2007 You know that moment when you look at the person when he says something that just makes sense. And you feel the emotion. And you reciprocate. And you actually listen. And then you realise, that you believe. In the words. In him. In everything. Maybe it's all in the ice cream. Because now you actually have to consciously remind yourself otherwise. Indeed I am trying.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007 I will shout Your fame to all the earth I will life Your name on high I will show the world Your greatness You are my God, Jesus I will Shout Your fame to all the earth I will lift Your name on high I will show the world Your goodness As I live a life that shouts Your fame As I live a life that shouts Your fame Because you are everything to me and I want to do this for you. :) My Garden
Sunday, April 15, 2007 They say that flowers usually bloom all together. Rather quickly and all at once towards the end of spring. They don't tell you when they will bloom but surprise you just like that. You see, my desert was getting a little dry, arid and barren so I drowned in the misery of my lack for a long time. But soon I realised the absuridity of not appreciating this natural wonder and soon I saw the meadows I envisioned become a reality and not a mirage. First came grass, trees and soon there were birds. But yet there were no flowers and frankly I didn't come to miss them. I just lay on my grass, admired the sun, and basked in the glory of His kingdom. Yet suddenly flowers started to bloom. Pretty little ones. Gorgeous big ones. All colourful and a sight to behold. And then I turn, a little to the left and I swear I hear gallops. A horse maybe? Could it be? A distant sound. A pretty garden of flowers. And a smiling girl in the meadow who can't believe she once thought this wonderful sunshine could kill her, when it now brings her so much joy. Home Free?
Wednesday, April 11, 2007 I just realised that I haven't blogged since I ended my last assignment for NUS. On Monday, I officially ended the continual assessment part of my academic life by handing in my last term paper. I really thought I would give it a lot more and write the best I could, but in the end I wrote it in 2 hours with minimal research done and promptly edited it for another 3 hours or so and then handed it in. How slack is that? Sigh. I know I should be feeling free. And indeed I am. The whole Good Friday weekend and the past few days have been filled with friends, lunches, dinners, and loads of alcohol. I was very precise in jam packing this week with something to do every night. It is almost the first time in my academic life that I have finished all my deadlines well before Reading Week, and coupled with the fact that I am graduating, I only felt it more necessary to keep busy socially. I do feel free but yet there is this sad little cloud, somewhere within me. Sad to graduate. Sad to leave my academic comfort zone. Sad to grow up. Sad to have to start worrying about so much in life. But then I realised how I no longer have much expectation for what is going to come next. I am totally relying on God. Yes, he gave me a job and a secure future for the next few years and for that I am grateful. But only He knows what other challenges and struggles are in store. Even I don't have a glimpse of a notion of what is ahead. Talking to Euns yest about what she wants also made me reconsider what I want.I have always been very precise about what I want in every juncture of my life. Yet sometimes, when I examine my decisions and actions, it just seems so different. I realise that I have a lot of fear. Fear of going after what I want. Fear that God won't want me to do those things. Fear that I will fail in those things. And that fear cripples me. You see, now I have to learn to commit their fear to God. It's not a worry because I don't worry. It is some deep seated fear, embued in pride and laced with worldliness. Somewhere within that chasm of darkness, lies what my future will hold. And that my friends, is the hardest step towards an unfathomable chasm. The last time I just dipped my foot in, I got so drenched, I thought I died. But I lived. So maybe I should try again? Who knows? Maybe a Hoegarden will help. Bewildered and Confused Soul
Saturday, April 7, 2007 Dear Lord, I am utterly confused. I don't know what is going on and who to believe. This is like some unbelievable mind game and now I think I may a little too involved to get out. Thing is I don't know how to act, Lord. I am seriously lost. I have no gut feeling or no emotion or no sign that seems to point me the right way. What is going on? Do I really need to know what is going on? Technically there is no lying involved in this tale. Just alot of varied accounts. Do I have to make a decision? Or can I just float? Why is it everytime I really begin to enjoy something, it screws up on me? I don't get it. Please Lord. Grant me your wisdom,discernment and strength. I don't think I have ever needed it more. Sacrificing On Good Friday
Friday, April 6, 2007 I don't think I have had a Good Friday quite like this before. Even until now, I am fighting within myself to stay true to my vow. Sigh. This is how one learns, don't they? You see, when I was pretty young, my parents and my sisters made a commitment to abstain from most things on Good Friday weekend. So basically every Good Friday, we would not eat meat, drink or partake in most things that are carnal in nature. It was just my parents way to teach us the value of sacrifice and understand why and what it means for Christ to die on the cross for us. But I guess, after so many years of ritualistically following a tradition of morning church, a vegetarian lunch, sleeping in and then going out for a simple non-meat dinner, I never did quite realise the concept of sacrifice. But this year I did. After going to a BBQ party that had loads of meat and being forced to eat noodles and drink loads of Cheng Ting to soothe my hunger, after turning down 3 invitations to beer and alcohol and one excellent night out at MOS with the buddies, based on my membership perks, I am sufficiently clear on the concept of temptation and unrequited pleasure. Sigh. I cannot do this, but yet I am praying ever so often and being reminded of God's love and mercy. Even if everyone thinks it is darn silly and even weirder that I do it every year. I even gave up my MOS perks for tonight to my friends so willingly!!! Ughh...I feel close to some sacrificial lamb now. But I will prevail. I admit that I nearly faltered this morning. I was so ready to throw in the towel and just spend the day sleeping and drinking. I mean I deserve it man. I have been such an angel for so long. But then I realised how much I wanted to do this for God. That if he could fast for 40 days in the desert, carry the cross up Calvary and die for my sins, I can give up alcohol for two days. It is so hard and I know I sound like a near-alcoholic with this confession but this experience has made me so much nearer to the cross. :) Sacrificing things that made smile and laugh really made me understand and sacrifice so much more, the concept of God sacrificing his life for me in a very real way. How odd rite? Oh and Euns, I must say this. I don't know how the heck you do it. I realised that your vow to never drink and enter a club is something I think I cannot do. I am so embarassed to admit it but after a really stressful time, nothing makes me smile more than martinis and good music. I salute you my friend, and I promise I shan't be evil like my friends and never tempt you to do otherwise when we are in Europe k? Need Time To Think
Friday, April 6, 2007 I am a little confused. A little happy. A little angry. A little impressed. Is it becoming confusing? Gosh. It's so strange. The Nasi Lemak Queen
Monday, April 2, 2007 Sometime last summer in a dingy train station, somewhere in Northeast India, Andrew told me that I have an innate tendency to "nasi lemak" guys. No, he didn't mean that I like to cook for them or eat that scrumptious local dish with them. He meant that often I tend to tempt guys into wanting something, knowing full well that I am never going to give it to them and that they themselves can't have it. It is really strange and until today, I will refuse to believe that I do it. I mean come on, who do I even have to tempt? Or for that matter, who would even be tempted by me? But then last week, I was reminded of it again when a friend revealed that I was excellent at enticing him and then pulling back completely. It was so strange and although he meant it as a compliment to my ability to stick to my principles, I realised that there may be something fundamentally wrong with me. Do I like to play with fire? Why do I always seem to go all out or actually, rather just more willing to play along when I know that the other individual is unavailable? Does the fact that this person is in a relationship or not my type or a friend for too long, soothe my radars or something and thus, I am able to joke and fool around on a level with them that may prompt an emotional response from them but never from me? I know this is hard to grasp. And this really shocked me. As I was preparing for CG on Sat (which promptly got cancelled), the lesson for the day called for self-reflection and seeing if we were godly in everything that we did or if we rendered certain things to the 'godless' logic of the world. That was when it slammed into me that maybe my defence issues of protecting myself and only opening up to people and things that are unavailable to me, may actually be very ungodly, because even if on my part no evil or lascivious intentions are harboured, I don't know what it is on their part. Don't get me wrong. I am not trying to be egoistic and say that I have such an amazing effect on people. But truth be told, I know for a fact that I am a lot more willing to lie on the shoulder of a male friend who is in a relationship than I would of a male friend who was single and my age. Why, I don't know. Somehow knowing that he is unavailable curbs my emotional and defence mechanisms at bay as I have a worthy excuse to sweep it all under the rug. But, I have never spared a thought for the other person. Andrew called this habit of mine as "nasi lemaking" last summer when I told him of Ruben's emotional outburst of rules that would now govern our friendship, after I took care of him one night when he was drunk and when he later asked what this meant to our relationship, I just backed away and rejected even a notion of our friendship being anything more than platonic and that my care for him that night was entirely normal and not romantic. I realise now that Ruben must have been hurt. And for all these years, I just thought he was being such a child and an emo boy. Of course, I didn't scar him badly or anything but yea, he definitely was not happy with me for about a month or so, until I apologised unknowingly. Maybe I need to reexamine some of my moves. I really don't want to create the wrong impression, especially an ungodly one. That is why I am rather quiet around guys and don't ever make the first move. Ever. Thing is, I know what I stand for and believe in and I see no reason to trumpet it. But if I can "nasi lemak" someone, does that mean, somewhere inside me I need to vicariously live an alternative life out? I don't think so. I think it is just the way I function. If I was to be honest, all those people Andrew claimed I "nasi lemaked" (which aren't many by the way), were people I did like and could like more but I had to draw lines against, for social and moral reasons that I would not stand for....ever. Maybe I "nasi lemak" myself. Tempt myself by being closer to someone, and then I pull away. By jove, I think that is it. And that is not very good. Acknowledging Acknowledgements
Monday, April 2, 2007 Hmm...after reading Eun's blog, I realised how important it is for the people I thanked, to actually know that I thanked them. So I'm putting up the complete version of my acknowledgements page in my thesis up too. haha I really think my acknowledgements page is rather unique, not just because it is the second longest acknowledgements ever, but that it is incredibly funny and makes me laugh everytime I think of all those people I thanked. So here goes. Verbatim. Straight from my first published work. Gratitude to the conceptualization, formulation and writing of this thesis extends to almost anyone I have encountered in my undergraduate life and have even remotely aided in the completion of this thesis. I would also not be here without the aid, advice and inspiration of the University Scholars Programme and the History Department at the National University of Singapore. Thank you Prof Timothy Barnard, Prof Brian Farrell, Dr. Edith Kaneshiro and Dr. Lysa Hong for making this honours year an academic adventure. Thank you Professor Bruce Lockhart for giving me a ‘trial’ run of writing a long academic paper about movies in our ISM together. Thank you Dr Harold Marcuse, from the University of California Santa Barbara, for even opening my eyes to the concept of a ‘Holocaust comedy’ during my time abroad there. For this and every other professor and staff in NUS and UCSB who has taught me and perpetuated my love for history, your passion will not be forgotten. It would be almost impossible to adequately thank my dear supervisor, Professor Malcolm Murfett, for his guidance, wisdom, jokes and stewardship. For being my friend, my confidante, my mentor and at times, even a surrogate father, I would like to sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart for challenging and inspiring me whilst putting up with my whines, hysteria, paranoia and procrastination. It is rare to make me laugh and smile even when my spirits were down, and you were always able to. Thank you for being caring, firm, encouraging and English. But all this would not have been possible without the nurturing and love my parents have showered upon me all these years, which have culminated in the production of this academic work. Their resilience, integrity, love and support have never been and never will be forgotten. Thank you for understanding and not reprimanding my absence at family events due to the time and energy dedicated to this thesis. A special thank you to my dear Dad, who more than willingly spent so much money to pay for the procuring of the many of the sources and books needed for the writing for this thesis. Quite literally, this thesis would not have even happened, without it! My mum’s encouragement and her dry humour never failed to keep me alive during this tumultuous time as she fired the spirit within me to carry on. Thank you for being such wonderful parents. I could not ever imagine being anyone else’s daughter. This is not forgetting my darling sisters, Sharmaine and Claudia, who were willing guinea pigs to the airing of my many movies and theories, even if I sounded like a history Nazi. Thank you for watching these movies with me and staying up with me until the wee hours of the morning as this thesis was being written. To all the friends I have met, encountered and helped during this period of time, I sincerely thank you. Thank you Christina, for bouncing ideas and theories with me over dinner and drinks. Thank you Taryn, for making me feel like I am not alone in this fight. Thank you Melissa, for your support and encouragement. Thank you Rachel, for letting me be there for you and walking together through such a difficult time. Thank you Darinee, for always reminding me to press on and the need to panic and write more. Thank you En En for always smiling and laughing at my lame jokes. And how could I forget to thank Hongyan for those late night MSN chats as we mourned the state of our academic and social lives. Thank you to my JC girls for always reminding me that I can do it. Thank you to my honours cohort for giving me a sense of belonging. Thank you Grace, for pulling me away from my laptop for all those crazy nights out. Thank you Taylor, for your almost unhealthy addiction to Niqqi’s Cheese Prata and staying up with me to finish work, whilst keeping my mind awake with probing questions. To my dearest friend ever, Eunice, for always encouraging me, joining me in my woes and never failing to be there for a quick dinner, shopping, a movie or a rendezvous in the library. You have been such a blessing in my life and I cannot think of anyone else I would want to go to Europe with, besides you. We are indeed ‘sole’ mates. Thank you Dhoby, a.k.a. Gilbert, for reading my thesis, getting lost in the theories and still applauding my efforts. Thank you Jaclyn, for those loving Facebook messages that always made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. A heartfelt shout out, also goes out, to my dear childhood friend, Jeremy. Thanks for always being my pillar of strength, and always being around even if you were a thousand miles away in another continent. Thank you so much for going out of your way, to scan and send me articles on the Holocaust, from your school library in Melbourne University. Thank you to my 10 shining stars: Jocelyn, Michelle, Pauline, Shirlyn, Jolene, Shu Huei, Huiling, Nicole, Marc and Subash, for always making me laugh and feel on top of the world, even when every single bone in my body gave in to fatigue and failure. Thank you Aunty Soon Lee for those motivational tales of your struggle in your varsity days as you endeavoured on a thesis. And last and most importantly far from least, I would like to thank God for making all things possible through His divine grace and providence. His love and grace has been the most important component to the production of this thesis as He guided and inspired me, whilst placing the most wonderful people in my life to carry me through this difficult period. ASK ME OUT!!!! (please?)
Saturday, March 31, 2007 I really want to do all these things by these next two weeks!! So if you're free, msg me!! Lav misses all her friends that she has been forsaking for some time now. :) Things I Want To Do By This Week 1. Mambo Night 2. Cafe Iguana...my taco cravings have not gone. 3. Get a happy alcohol induced buzz. 4. Watch all these!! 
Things I Need to Do By This Week 1. Finish Poverty Term Paper 2. Finish SEA Term Paper 3. Finish Japanese Diaspora Term Paper Tales of Thesis Jubilation
Friday, March 30, 2007 It's over. Really. I can't believe it. Phew. The thesis is in. My presentation done. And with 3 more term papers due in a week, that would be the end of my academic career. Wow. I am impressed. Prof Farrell said I look unusually happy for a thesis writer who just handed in her thesis. He recalled how almost every student he had seen this year and in previous years, always looked disgusted that it was finally time to hand in the thesis, and would quite literally almost throw it into the hands of the printers to churn out for submission. He remarked how I actually looked happy at my feat and that my smile seemed not to be from the bliss of submission but the bliss of a work completed. And I think that is just it. On Wednesday evening at CoffeeBean, I realised that I like what I wrote and if I was to write or edit anymore, I would have to make this a doctoral thesis or even a really huge book. I do like what I have to say and if the examiners don't, then screw them. I don't expect to get an A. I don't expect to blow people away with intelligence, rhetoric or anything in between. So see, once I have done away with all these futile worries and concerns that other thesis writers have, I don't have very much to worry about. Actually I have nothing to worry about. I realised that only one thing can get me down now and that would be if someone said that I obviously did not try hard enough. That would be the only thing that would crush me, because it may actually be true. But Lav is a happy fiddle. She did something she never thought she could. She realised so much about herself and others. And in the end, all is well in the world. She is thankful to everyone and anyone who helped in any way to the creation, formulation and completion of this thesis. I am, now only more entrenched now in my faith in God and the miracles He puts in my life through people and events. Ok but now it is time for MUCH needed sleep. My insane sleep schedule these past 2 weeks have a taken a deep toll on my skin, health and attention span. My bed now beckons with much reason. Almost Done
Wednesday, March 28, 2007 It's been a long and crazy week. No wait, that is an understatement. It has been an INSANE week. Seriously. I ain't even lying about this. And no, it is not just because of the thesis. In fact, I didn't even get all the time that I wanted to spend on my thesis due to extenuating circumstances. But well, I hope it is solved or at least I have done the best that I can possibly do for now. In 2 more weeks, even the academic mayhem may end. And I don't know if that is a good thing or not. 2 weeks ago, I was ready to just bind my thesis and not bother. Now, I am so worried, I am considering not handing it in. haha I have such a love and hate relationship with school sometimes. I've been typing my abstract, preface and acknowledgements and I think I swear I have the longest acknowledgements page ever. I really am so glad for everyone. Really. hahha. I thanked everyone, I think. From my parents to all my professors to MSN conversationalists, supper buddies, CG buddies, Euns and Dhoby, beer buddies of Ms Mook and Chris and MOS clubbers. hahaa And of course Murfett. I already miss the man. It is going to be so hard to not see him every Friday. Sigh. I am having Murfett withdrawal sympthoms already. Sigh. Today he said he was really fond of me and I was so touched that I could have cried if I was not so stunned. He really is a surrorgate dad isn't he? I suppose in the end, my thesis is a tribute to all my friends and God. Sigh. How would I ever be here without my divine Father in heaven? I don't wana graduate. Choice
Thursday, March 24, 2007 You don't have a problem. You always have a choice. The ball can always be pulled back to your chord. When will you realise this, Rach? Now not only you are in danger but me. But I don't care. I need you to be safe. Even if it means I need to spend the next few nights like a fugitive in different rooms and houses. I will. I need to help you protect yourself from you. It may not be my business but injustice is apparent here. I will make the choice. It will not be a problem. SPG woes
Wednesday, March 21, 2007 I was reading Xiaxue's blog this evening and I realised that her past few entries in the past 6mths have been pretty much centred around her angmoh bf and their long distance relationship. Her latest entry revealed to us, readers, that her bf had found a well paying job in Singapore and would be moving here indefinitely. She then went on to claim that she has come to realise how many white guys there are in Singapore who are dating Chinese girls and she decided that only her love for her angmoh bf is 'raceless' whilst all these other girls only love their Caucasian bfs for their race. This, she claims, she sees in their eyes. Now if I may, without causing any disrespect to her or her blog, will have to say that what Wendy aka Xiaxue has written, is such BOLLOCKS. How can anyone judge the love in a relationship just by looking at them walking in a store? Just cuz the girl looks at the guy adoringly, does that mean she is in love with him and not his race? Just cuz she grips his hand tighter when they walk back Sporean aunties and uncles who give them weird glances, does that mean she is only in love with him for his race? I really don't understand this at all. And this just doesn't apply to Caucasian-Asian relationships but even inter-Asian relationships like Indian guys with Chinese girls or Chinese guys with Malay girls, and the list goes on. How can you judge that it is based on race or love? I really don't understand. You can never explain love to anyone but the two people in that relationship but you can certainly explain why you are in that relationship. I am sure that there most definitely are people who are in inter-ethnic relationships just because of the thrill of dating another race. But really, given how conservative our society is in Spore, I really do think that these couples brave alot of odds to be together and it must come from a deeper form of love. I know. For once, Lavinia the cynic is writing about believing in love. But really, I always have. You can have your doubts and concerns about the nature of a union but I really, really think it is MOST unfair to target ALL this skepticism so acutely on inter-racial unions. What makes you think 2 Chinese people in a relationship are in a relationship for love and not just because they want to perpetuate their race? Seriously. It is so irritating. Taylor and I were talking about this over supper the other night and he voiced to me how in HK, no one passed comments about him and his Chinese gf but here, there is just so much talk about it. I vividly recall how everytime I am in MOS or Zouk and some Caucasian, Black or non-Singaporean guy talks to me, the surrounding Singaporean people always give me a look. Like I must be an SPG or weird or smth. I know this may be a reflection of my insecurities or smth but I swear that not only I have seen it, but even the people I have been talking with, have seen it. It is just ridiculous. I will admit to being more partial to certain accents or certain looks and it really isn't my fault that many of these desirable 'packages' come in a non-Singaporean packaging. Any self-respecting Singaporean girl has to admit that the guys here, do lack certain basic etiqutte and social skills, even if they make up for it in terms of hard work and diligence.I am not making excuses but I only like these 'packages' because they have the underlying wit, grace and pizzazz that many local packages don't seem to show me at all. And when local packages do show them to me, I react the same way I would to a foreign package. Come on, my biggest fall in life was for a Sporean guy! Maybe I am just a little peeved at hearing so many people pass comments about people having foreign bfs for their money, looks or their potential to be an escape from Spore. I really thought maybe Xiaxue would be different but she ended up being the same kind of Asian girl who decides she is in a superior relationship, just because she is dating a White guy and plays up the money card. I even know friends personally who like white guys for all these things they give them. It just gives everyone else who is even seen remotely eating or talking to a foreigner and now even a person of a different ethnic identity, a bad name. Why can't someone actually be with the person for who he is and what they have together? Can they be blind to their varied skin colours, accents and cultures? Sometimes I feel like I fight my whole life. Fight to be deemed Singaporean and not Indian. Fight to be seen as a human being and not just a girl. And now I have to fight to justify my partialness for wit, gentlemanliness and intelligence. Will I have to fight to even find it? I don't know. And if I ever find it and it ends up being in a foreign package, will I have to fight again to prove that we have a real connection and not just some typical SPG relationship? Sigh. Such questions. Genesis of the Return of the Smile
Sunday, March 18, 2007 So after a depressing bunch of weeks and equally pensive blog entries, I realised how upbeat I feel today. The worship at youth service really did alot of good as I found myself humbled at the altar again. It was also the perfect timing as I had rid of my burdens earlier in the day as I wiped the slate clean, of my anger at my parents and the mounting pressure of school. I surrendered it all and my spirits were immediately lifted. Ok enough shop talk. I'm supposed to be mugging for my midterm on the Vietnam War tomorrow but I ended up organizing some pix and I realised how much these 5 pix really made me laugh, so I just had to share them! haha This one was at Ben Raja's wedding and although I don't look too good in it, it is just an absolutely hilarious pix of Jem, Jerald and I. 
Oh and of course, when 4 of my favourite Neo cousins turned up at Anne's house for CNY with a hilarious pose, I just had to put up the picture. 
I didn't even know I had this pix of Mel and Rach, but it's hilarious! 
And of course, the blooming friendship of the fan clubbers started here in Malacca and this pose just says it all. 
And somehow, the minute the honourary fan clubbers come in, our fan club sheds its feminine self and becomes suddenly, rather boyish. Strange eh?  A Relic From The Past is A Guide in My Present
Saturday, March 17, 2007 For the second time this week, I emerged out of Prof M's office at the brink of tears. No, he didn't scold me or insult my work or scrutinize my thesis or pass condescending remarks. In fact, he did none of the above. He did quite the opposite in fact. But yet, I have emerged from his room for the second time this week with a tremendous sense of relief and an incredible urge to cry. I don't want to cry because of the pressure he puts on me but because of the pressure he relieves of me. He has the amazing ability to listen and say the exact right words that I need to hear at that moment. It is so damn strange. I suppose it must come from being such a ladies man and having 2 daughters but boy, does he know when and how to say something and more importantly, make me listen. Last week, he held the door open as I walked down the hall. When I praised him for his gentlemanliness, he called it basic courtesy. Maybe he really is a relic from the past as En En says. Then after talking about the thesis, he always enquires about my other classes. His aghast reaction and support at Prof Spector's sudden departure was comforting and rather sweet in my opinion. And then, he always assures me. Alot of people assure me but there is only a particular type of assurance that I will actually listen to and Prof M has it nailed. It is a hybrid mixture of gentlemanliness, care and concern, that just makes the whole experience seem so touching more than cliche or archaic. And then yesterday, I walked into his office with a cloud over my head and he noticed it immediately. At once, he asked what was wrong and I immediately poured it all out. I don't usually pour my heart and soul out to someone unless I am so extremely comfortable with you and Prof M apparently has come to that position. And then he listens and gives me insight into the mind of a father. He gave the best kind of pragmatic yet Godly advice. He assured me, of course, but above all he reminded me that it was Lent and a season of forgiving and love. And I could have just cried. Because he struck the chord that I can safely say NO ONE has. He has this perfect balance and the most amazing way to cut deep inside my soul. He said exactly what I needed to hear but didn't know. It was not the same emo girl comfort that alot of my peers render by saying "I know how you feel." It is always comforting to know that alot of parents are like mine but still to hear real pragmatic course of action kinda advice that is of God and not the world, just rocks my boat. And then, as if teasing out the knots in my soul, he turns before I leave to ask about the Swede and if I am ok about the whole incident. I am of course fine with it so I turn to leave but he stops me and asks if the Swede was upset about the ending of such a promising alliance and I reply in the negative non-chalantly. But he stops me and says rather seriously, "No, he was upset. I am sure of it." And with that I walked out of his room. It was a long walk out of his office as I had to pace my breath. It was like he knew on some level I was questioning my inability to make a dent in the lives of some people. It was so surreal. He made me a girl with just the few words he says. So I sent a thank you email last night once I had gathered my emotions, to thank him for his encouragement and support and promising to forgive and forget. Dhoby says it is very rare to have a professor-student friendship like ours and to have a professor spew such intelligent yet religious stuff. And I agree. Maybe it is a Western vs Sporean professor dichotomy or maybe it is just him being so special and different. I can safely say that I am now no longer pissed at my parents, alot happier and more upbeat. And it because of him and what he said. And then, this morning, Prof M sent a reply that can once again reduce me to tears. It went as follows.... Hi L, That's the ticket! We all need to de-stress and come off our high horse and not be too judgmental. We all make mistakes - your parents as much as the rest of us - but what do we say in The Lord's Prayer on a daily basis? "Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us." Easily said but, I suspect, not easily done! Even so, if we ask God to forgive us unconditionally for all that we do wrong, we should apply the same measure to everyone else and if we do then we will receive God's favour in an overwhelming way. Peter asked Our Lord how many times we must forgive our brother? He thought seven times might be an appropriate figure! Jesus told him that it must be seventy times seven and I don't think he was actually meaning a total of 490 either! You did right to extend the olive branch to your parents - especially to Dad. He will know his words hurt you and if he could retract them he would. Never think for an instant that they are not really proud of you. They are and, of course, they should be. You are a lovely young woman and a credit to them. God bless, Prof. m He didn't say anything new. It's stuff I have known in Sunday school and from the bible. But he put it in such a non-cliche way...in a paternal way...in a spiritual centred yet undogmatic way...in an assuring yet not patronizing way...and I am so blessed to have him as my supervisor. Thank you Lord for picking him to be my pillar through this all. Again I say, this man is too perfect but 35years too old. Sigh. I know exactly why his wife fell for him. It is for the same reasons, I will ever fall for a guy for, and I certainly hope that I will find it one day. But hey, I shan't be greedy. I could have never met someone like him. Now, that would be a must worse reality. haha :) Sigh.
Friday, March 16, 2007 I have to see my supervisor in a few minutes but I decided I needed to blog to just release my emotions for a bit. I really am so tied up in a knot in the pit of my stomach now. Sigh. Things haven't been good this week with the folks. I never fight with my parents so when we do, it's a really big deal to me and to everyone at home. It takes a lot to get me mad or upset but they always successfully manage to do so once a year over some great issue that makes me an emotional mess. Last Sunday, over dinner, as I defended a fellow youth's A level grades, my dad declared Arts and Social Sciences to be a 'dumping ground' in university. I was aghast. I mean after four years, he suddenly says this? What happened? I know he always thought I would be a lawyer. So did I dammit. But I got a scholarship. A very coveted PSC scholarship. It wasn't some dumb bursary or a cursory award they give out randomly. It was a blardie scholarship. And he said it would be so awesome to be a scholar. And then now he says I am in a dumping ground? I don't understand. So you say, he is the narrow minded engineer who doesn't appreciate the Arts. But hey, my mum, the literature graduate, agreed with him. How do you think I feel? I really felt my world crumble and turn upside down. The last time I felt like this was last April during exams when I came home violently ill after an exam, only to find myself promptly kicked out because my dad had clients staying in my room and there was no space for me. So I had to hike back to hall, and I was so weak that I couldn't even go get food for myself. How on earth can you put business before your sick daughter? Needless to say, I was less than merciful when 6mths later the deal didn't work out and my dad felt hurt at being betrayed. Karma, I say. Karma. I don't mean harm..really. But they would never admit they were wrong. They left me out in the cold and they thought I was being petty. Now, why don't you tell me, who is crazy? And then now they say I am in a dumping ground. 6 years ago, when I appealed back to CJ from AC, my dad told me to my face that less than 10% of the CJ cohort make it to university and even less make it to a decent course. He called me a lost cause and that I was going to have work harder than anyone in life, if I ever wanted to go anywhere. I will always that conversation in the parking lot. I never forgot it and last Sunday, the memory of it returned. It's like I will never impress my parents. It's like everything I do disappoints them. Nothing I do is right. It is always wrong. Now they claim that my outburst at them over this issue shows that I am wrong. So they disallowed me from taking the car yesterday to pick up groceries and the youth and made me take the bus while lugging 10 pkts of drinks, charcoal and all that jazz. If that was punishment, I didn't feel remorseful. It only made me more bitter. Then this morning, when Sharmaine woke up ill, my mum fussed around her like something was massively wrong. It only reminded me more of the time last year when I was so ill and they kicked me out. Or when I came back from M2K6 and was so sick and all my mum did was say, "go sleep lah, you will be fine in a few days." Yes, I know she cooked porridge and stuff for me everyday and gave me meds but never this amount of concern. I know it's hard for my mum to deal with 3 kids when she was always so used to 2. But at the few times I need them the most, it seems like I no longer get it anymore. I don't understand my parents lately. They brought us up to know that life was more than school or grades but of fun, purpose, God and friends. They banished the "Singaporean" maxim of childhood. They thought us the value of an all-rounded life. They taught us the value of independence and living for yourself and God. They taught us to find ourselves and stand up for ourselves. And now they have regressed into some primitive version of Singaporean-ness that I cannot understand. I know these are one off incidents that at most, happen once a year. Alot of people out there experience this alot more often than me. But I still am in a shock. Since when did they become preoccupied with grades,and what other people said or felt? I had the cool parents. The fun parents. The liberal and caring parents. They were the parents all my friends loved and respected. They still are. And suddenly they are turning into something else? Maybe it is me. Maybe I am getting too big for my boots as my mum said. But still, the fact that they are disappointed in me is a scar, I will never forget. I never argue, and never fight with them but you see, on Sunday, before I stormed off, I turned around and told them that I would never forget those comments for as long as I lived. And my dad says I am spiteful. Maybe I am. I do have this uncanny ability to have a storage tank of memories of people that I don't use until one day the proverbial straw 'breaks' my back and I use all these accumulated memories as ammunition against you. It is mean. It is unfair. And I am horrible person for it. But I never judge you until you force me to-until you leave me NO choice but to use it. Just thinking about it makes me so upset and the floodgates seem near. I've already cried buckets. Maybe the stress of this month is clouding my judgement and compounding this situation. But, now it is about time, I pick myself up and move on. And maybe work out a plan on how I can try to make my parents happy with the remaining bits of my life that is left. Not So Amazing Race
Friday, March 16, 2007 Well...the Amazing Race didn't go as well as planned. Guess Mich and I 'overplanned' it. hahaa Oh well, at least now everyone knows Vivocity as well as I do. haha I admit it could have been better and I observed some very important traits in our youth that will aid me in further decision making in the future but all in all, it looked like everyone enjoyed a day out even if it didn't go as marvellously as I wished. But hey, you can't have your cake and eat it too rite? Well, back to reworking Chapter 4 of my thesis to talk to Prof M about later today. Sigh. I am so tired. Your mercy, I beseech.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007 You see, here I go ranting and raving and wallowing in my self-obsessed self, when my mum suddenly SMSes me to say they rushed Claudia to the hospital and she is going to be warded. I am such a horrible, horrible sister. My sister is running a sky high temperature, her ear aches, her tummy contorts, and all I do is whine about myself. Sigh. I'm horrible. Please pray for her. The poor girl is really, really ill. Damsel in Distress
Tuesday, March 13, 2007 I have 3 more weeks of intense deadlines and I am already turning into a grouch and a major stress bunny. There are really so many things going on and I am mildly beginning to understand the saying "pulled in different directions". The best part of this is probably learning to walk slowly with God since He is the only one I can talk to openly and count on right now. I really feel so stupid this year and even more this semester. I almost feel like my thesis is going to get a B at best, or a grade lower and I can only hope for the best now. Sometimes it is amazing to even think that I am in university. I am really far from that intellectual, and deep thinking sort but yet I have managed by the grace of God to end up here. I promised to make the best of my time here but the evidence is really failing to prove so. I am such a grouch and I really need to focus alot more. Talking and smiling with Prof M today, really made me feel like breaking down a little. It didn't register in my face or my words but I am really worried for so many things. And seeing him actually care and dig out my concerns about my thesis and other classes, actually kinda rattled me that someone actually cared, when he or she had no need to at all. And the best part was how he jumped to my defence and felt for me. At a time like this when I keep making people smile and laugh, support fellow honours year friends, and devote endless time and energy to church, I didn't realise how much my world can actually stop moving, until someone actually reaches out to you and cares. That was enough to make me cry. And I don't cry easily. Prof M reminds me of Simon too much sometimes. (and no, it's not because they are both Brit. I have many other Brit friends who don't remind me of either of them.) The opening of the doors, witty repartee, jokes and jumping to my defence when I least expect it-how very rare. Maybe I should email Simon about this. Gosh, how very damsel-in-distress of me. Gasp. But I digress. I need to breathe more. I really need a good night out, some fun and recharge my batteries. I am actually feeling stressed and stretched out. Gosh. And the best part of this story is that I am not even doing anything good with my time or producing excellent results. Youthful Vigour
Monday, March 12, 2007
Now, I suppose, that is about right? My Knights in Shining Armour
Sunday, March 11, 2007 It's been an odd week. Perhaps the stress of school and the fact that most of my deadlines are predominantly concentrated in this month, got to me. Or I just let my female side take over for a bit. Or maybe it was just the severe case of cramps that overwhelmed me this week, that made thinking straight rather difficult. Whatever it is, I certainly hope it's over. I really am so glad that each time I feel like my world is collapsing around me, God just makes me so much more aware of how he is holding me and carrying me thorough it all. Some of you may have heard of the fiasco I had with the library this week. You see, I really needed this book for my thesis, on humour in the Holocaust by Terrence Des Pres, who is perhaps the most well known writer on this topic. However, NUS library didn't have it and it was not available in the National Library either. Thus, I had requested for the book from Melbourne University through the Document Delivery Service. And since it was an overseas loan, dear Prof M. aided in my request for the book, since only professors can request for books from internatinal universities. Mind you, this request was processed on the first week of January and Prof M. cced all the emails and the forms that he filled up to me. So of course, I had thought that I would get it by the end of January but January came and went and there was no sign of my book. Bernice too had not received the 3 books she ordered through Prof M from Melbourne Uni so we just figured there was a little admin delay. But even February came and went and Bernice (Prof M. had requested all of our books together) had received all her books but I did not. So of course, I started asking the library staff and Prof M. Prof M, thus, promptly went to check on the status of the book and lo and behold, the library claimed to have never received my application! How preposterous is that! I had specifically seen the forms he filled up and I have evidence of the CCed emails. So of course, Prof M went into a flurry and gave the library staff a reall good tongue-lashing on Wednesday and resorted to calling me almost every 30mins to update me on the status on his or should I say, our, course of action. That was when he told me that it would be perferable if I could try to find a friend who studies in a university that has the book to perhaps scan it in and send it to me. He had re-requested the book but at best, the book would arrive on the 20th, if we were lucky. And my thesis is due on the 30th! So, I tried my luck and sent Jem an email telling him of my situation. I knew it was a long shot cuz the boy has school and commitments too. But, the lovely boy agreed so willingly and had it sent to me by Friday night. I was so relieved! So now, even if I don't get the book on time, I should be quite all right. Jem, I really owe you man. Words can't even begin to explain how much this means to me. I am so happy though. Hearing about the fiasco of my book on Wednesday was just a stab in an already bleeding heart. But God really showed me a way and my brilliant friends really came true. Oh and Prof M successful crossed the line from mentor and supervisor to friend and hero. And I can also safely say, that this is the first time I have utterly and completely depended on men and had no other choice but succumb to my helplessness. And surprisingly, all the men came through. Above and beyond what they were expected. It's almost bizarre. Not that men helped me out but that I asked for help, let them and that I didn't end up hurt in the end. That is amazing. The week that didn't start too well, ended pretty fine. If I even dare say so. And for that, I am eternally grateful. It just won't happen to me....
Thursday, March 8, 2007 I just don't get it sometimes. I'm not a bad person. I really try so hard to be the best that I can be and to try to make everyone's life a little easier, without comprimising myself too much. I really try. I smile. I laugh. Sometimes, I talk too much or am tactless but I never mean harm. I am there for you, whenever you need me. I never expect anything from you. If I am in pain, I don't tell anyone and swallow my bitterness, until the regular sweet taste returns to my mouth. I never burden people with my worries or problems. I have never hurt anyone intentionally and I always apologise for every wrong I do. I serve God with all my heart and soul, and want no glory or recognition for it. I try to make others laugh. I always believe in everyone. I try, dammit. I try. But yet it seems like nothing tries for me. How come I never get those things? I do get some things but it's really nothing. Maybe I am immune to the things I get but really, they are things I sometimes don't really need. I am not being ungrateful because I am happy with my life. But I just don't understand why some people can be so blessed and so fortunate. I do not claim to know their hidden pain or struggles but why are some people just that much luckier? Am I so undeserving of that little grace? Indeed, I know, I am. I am also unworthy of God's divine mercies and blessings but yet it is hard to swallow the bitter truth, when you see the merry faces and events around you. It stings somewhere deep within me. Maybe I am jealous. Gasp, I didn't even think I could be. But this sting is not vengeful or ugly, but just real sadness. It's hard for me to listen to these people talk of their endless blessings sometimes and not even realise how blessed they are, as they keep complaining. Human beings are insatiable and it hurts me to know that I am exactly like that-demanding, unsatisfied and barren. Will getting these things make me any happier? You see, I don't exactly want these things so I can be happier. I just wish some of these things would happen to me some time, that is all. Not so I can claim to have "been that and done that", but because I think deep inside me, I know that I am not one to lust for something simply for the heck of it. If I desire something, it means that I really do want it badly. Sigh. Maybe Grace is right. Some people just have to work alot harder for what they want in life. Some people are given things on a silver platter-money, looks, style, family, intelligence, friends, love etc. Others just don't even know what these things mean because they have never had it. Sometimes I think I am the person who has to work for the things she wants in her life, yet at the same time, I am the person who doesn't even know what these things feel like because I have never had it. I am not drowning in self-pity. I am not jealous or vengeful. I am just pathetic. And maybe a little ungrateful too. But I am only human and I have emotions and failings. Why doesn't anyone see that? Join the New Pool
Wednesday, March 7, 2007 Ok I am starting a fund. It's called the Contribute-to-Lav-to-Visit-Jem-In-Melbourne fund. This severely broke soul wants to see her lonely co-CG leader, so please contribute generously. Donations will be accepted both in cash and kind. hahaa Anyway, I finally have semi-complete pix of my CG, though I can never seem to get everyone at the same time and same place. If I ever do, I will be so estactic man. haha 
This one lacks Marc, Subash and Pauline.
Marc just looks hilarious here. Like some superhero.
And this one lacks Subash,Nicole and Huiling but has Claudia and Jerome (mine and Jem's youngest siblings).
Ughh. Soon my dearies, soon. We will have a smiley and complete photo of us all! And definitely very soon, my dear Mr Neo. A Question of Perspective
Wednesday, March 7, 2007 They say nothing is real. It is all a construct- a figment of language, of thoughts and a synthesis of apparent truths that come to believe to be true. Is it all just created? Is it simply a question of perspective? You see, perspective is a funny word. It makes everything seem right. Like how love apparently makes everything forgiveable. Or hard work is all that success needs. It is about your perspective, your view, your belief. Then based on that 'perspective', you create your reality. Could that really be it? One man's meat is another man's poison but is that simply the trajectories by which life should be led? I wonder. Wasn't life about experiencing it all-love,joy,sadness,anger,pain, disappointment and all the rest of the muddle of emotions? Are these emotions simply constructs too? Or manifestations of that perspective that we wish to project? So once we choose our perspective, can we then concomitantly fuse together varied threads of perspectives, such that a brand new existence is created? Or is there a law governing this alledged 'perspective'? Can we only construct it in certain ways? Alas, that cannot be. Is not the issue of perspective tolerant to all forms of knowledge and opinion? Can we actually discriminate against perspective? Gosh, I think we have a muddle here. Lately, the answers to everything have been the issue of perspective and apparently that was all that was needed. I will admit to being a rather judgemental character in secondary school and even junior college. But things changed. I learnt the need to be open and not to judge, when I hated to be judged. So I opened up-too liberally maybe. But then I learnt, there were somethings that I was never could include in my perspective, even if I tolerated it. But could that really exist? Can I tolerate something but disagree with the perspective it comes in? Theoretically, the answer is yes. But practically, what is the answer? I always think I can but I realise that to many, they believe it to be impossible and impose that perspective of theirs on me so I no longer seem capable of being tolerant but not agreeable to an opinion that differs from mine. How bizarre is that? So I am now in a conundrum. A conundrum that society has unwittingly pushed me into. Is it then now up to me to change my perspective again? Can we have perspectives and not be judged for it or judge others for it? I wonder. Wake Up Lav!
Monday, March 5, 2007 That was not a hard mid term and I already know that I have 3 mistakes. Hmpph. I am such a doofus. Sigh. " " |
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