"

Well it's out. It turned out to be two conjoined cysts, that were the same size as my womb. I lost alot of blood and now have 5 holes in me. It's gona take a while for the holes to close I believe. Hence the one month MC.

I can't walk too much but it beats the hospital when I cldn't walk at all and had glucose drips and a bottle draining blood from me attached to me. Sigh. Most UNGLAMOROUS! :P I was discharged on Friday btw so I'm home and recuperating now.

Thanks everyone for the lovely cards, SMSes, gifts, flowers and fruits! :) It means so much to me. You really can't imagine how touched I am that people actually remember me. :) I think everyone's highlight is seeing me at nights when they dope me on morphine and I start talking nineteen to a dozen. haha At one point, when I woke up too early from surgery, I had 20 bottle of morphine. It was quite shocking I didn't die of a drug overdose I tell you. haha

In other news, they have sent the tissues of the cysts for a biopsy. Still gota pray for the results. Scary stuff to think of sometimes. It comes out on 9/11. How ominous!! For now, they gave me a shot that induced menopause for 3mths so I will stop ovulating and my insides can restore itself before I continue being a young woman. I had no choice. It was that or get pregnant and since we know how non-existent my dating prospects are, I figured the shot was a better call. So don't mind me if I say random things or seem moody! It's not me-just the medicine!

Meanwhile, my mother treats me like I just gave birth. I can only eat soup, wear dresses and shuffle arnd the hse occasionally. Even doing work hurts my tummy. Sigh. How I wish smth cute did come out of me, instead of smth so ugly!

Till then, thanks so much for everything sweeties. I will NEVER forget you! Here's a pix of some of my loot..it's not even all! It's the first time I've gotten flowers so I ain't complaining!! :)








It's today.

Breathe lav, breathe.








I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine






Serving God will not always be the easy choice. But it is a choice that brings the kind of consequence we can live with.

— Bill Crowder-






I must say, this year's National Day Rally Speech is almost eventful as last years. And once again, it is published on an international newspaper for all to gawk at.

AP - Monday, August 18

SINGAPORE - Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong called Sunday on the youth of Singapore to marry at an early age and have more babies to boost the city-state's population.

Lee, 56, said men and women need to adjust their attitudes toward marriage to achieve his goals. Many of Singapore's men are too traditional while their wives care too much about their careers, he said.

"There must be a balance between career and marriage," Lee said, urging women to "consider getting married and having children while you're still young."

"If you wait for a career to be successful, you may miss the best ideal age for child bearing," he warned.

On the other hand, Singapore's husbands need to "change their mind-set," said Lee, who has been married to his wife, Ho Ching, for 23 years. They have four children.

"In the old days, the man was the master of the household. That era has gone." Lee said, suggesting men should assist their wives with child-rearing duties and household chores. "The modern-day woman expects equality."

Parents of young people in Singapore also have a role to play, Lee said, urging them to match their children with possible spouses.

"Not everyone knows how to woo the opposite sex," Lee said. "They may have smaller social circles, and a busy work schedule."

I cut some parts out but seriously. Can you believe my PM just advocated match making? Sheesh. Talk about lighting changes in policy.

We already have an economic system that is geared towards NOT marrying early. Guys only graduate from uni at 25 and girls at 22-23. And you are not gona get married with no $$! sigh.

Once again, I am an object of discrimination. Bleahz.






The speaker today said journals are very important. They help one chronicle their feelings and chart their thought and emotion pattern such that they are able to vent and map out all their rational and irrational thoughts and feelings about anything before a proper, unbiased, unemotional equilibrium is reached.

I think he is definitely right. This is what this is. :)

You gotta let it all out before you move on.






This was my grandpa's favourite song. I never paid that much attention to the words until now, and I think it has become my favourite song now too.

It seems to apply to so many scenarios in my life right now. I'm not sure if I did anyone or anything wrong but I definitely know I'm unworthy. But all of you are happy, and that's all that matters. :) Really.

Hello, darlin', nice to see ya
It's been a long time
You're just as lovely as you used to be

How's your new love? Are you happy?
Hope you're doin' fine
Just to know means so much to me

What's that, darlin? "How'm I doin'?"
Guess I'm doin' all right
Except I can't sleep
And I cry all night till dawn
What I'm trying to say is
"I love you and I miss you"
"And I'm so sorry that I did you wrong"

Look up, darlin', let me kiss ya
Just for old time's sake
Let me hold you in my arms one more time

Thank you, darlin', may God bless you
And may each step you take
Bring you closer to the thing you seek to find

Goodbye, darling', gotta go now
Gotta try to find a way
To lose these memories
Of a love so warm and true
And if you should ever find it
In your heart to forgive me
Come back, darlin',
I'll be waiting for you

Sigh. I miss my grandpa.






I was having coffee cum dinner with R last night when we stumbled upon a photo exhibition in Raffles City by this young man who brings Art to children all arnd SEA and features their work in his exhibitions. His theme for this year was "What Makes You Happy?" So viewers of the exhibition were asked to put up post-its on this wall with different things that made them happy.

It warmed my heart to see so many write "God", "love", "smiles", "my family" etc. Some even wrote "Being in SA" and there were a few "I Love HC!"

So R turned to me and said "What makes you happy?" and I paused. I didn't know what to say. So much was already on the board. So he whipped out a marker and wrote "a kind word and deed" and pasted it on the wall and walked away while I stood staring at the board.

What makes me happy?

Alot of things make me smile and laugh but what really makes me happy. And I blanked.

And then it hit me. It was right in front of me. Everywhere.

Children. Smiling children.

They make me very very happy.

So I whipped up the marker and wrote. Surprised at myself at such a realisation, I pasted the post-it on the board without R realising, when it occured to me that there is a 90% chance I will never have kids.

And for once I realise that the realisation of it devastated me. The one thing that makes me most happy, seemed to make me most sad. But I can't think about tt.

I walked on and joined R on our walk to dinner.

R: What did you write?
L: Why don't you guess?
R: Children.
L: Wow. How did you....
R: It's obvious. It's you.

Sigh. How do I manage to find the worst even in the best?

So what then makes you happy?






I want ice-cream. :P

I think it will make it all better. haha






I think it really occured to me last night why I am so disappointed and listless about the whole surgery.

It's because I don't have anything to fight for. Nothing to look forward to after this whole saga ends. Nothing really to push me forward either.

I've been thinking and analysing various things in my life this past week and the one thing I have realised is that whether or not I make it through all this, doesn't matter to anyone. I have failed to live such an existence such that my presence would be missed and needed by anyone or anything. My family, my friends, work, church-all can function with or without me around. Easy replacements can be made, who will probably be better than me anyway.

It makes me realise now why my grandpa just gave up after all those years of worry. There comes one day when you realise that is nothing left here. Not even nothing much. Just nothing else.

The JC girls told me this week that I have always been a fighter and that's what they loved about me. But I realise, I really am not. I only fight when there is smth worth fighting for. Real fighters would fight no matter what. I am not. Sometimes, I don't even know if I want to wake up and recover from all this. It's like I'm living with 26th Aug as my expiration date.

Oh well, maybe it is. If not physically, at least emotionally.

I need smth to fight for. Smth to want to live on for. Anything.








No use paddling frantically anymore.






I have usually refrained from posting raw emotions and unmasked intent on cyberspace but since I have ascertained that only a select few are aware of this blog and read it, I have decided to throw caution to the wind. And to say what I really feel, with no judgement, no agenda and no expectations. But please note, that is terrible existence is only mine and none of you will ever be as desolate as this.

But I am really so fed up. I am completely done. Why is everything crashing down on me so fast, so quickly and all in a short frame of time?! Barely a month ago, I was happy. Things were looking up and I finally felt like I was exactly where God wanted me to be. And now, 1 month later, I am a mess.

Gosh all I want to do is scream and break things. I am so angry, so frustrated, so disappointed, so sad-that I have been rendered senseless. Numb to anything. I can't even sleep at night as I have recurring thoughts and snippets of reminisces of people and things that have been happening the past 3 weeks. I can't take this anymore.

If there as ever been any point in my life when I was ready to end it all, it's now. It makes perfect sense. I have no dependents, no responsibilities and I am too young for people to remember my existence as smth worth chronicling.

I'm just done. I'm ready to just go back to God and quit this sham of a life I have been claiming to live these past 24 years. There is no point I tell you.

No point. No point being nice. No point making people smile. No point being there for people. No point supporting people. No point hoping you would be impt to pple. Heck, no point being a good person. You're just gona get punished and hurt, cheated and disappointed countless times. And because I am no point, I am just gona have to take it.

I always knew I was never worth very much. And this really proves it. UGH!

Because in the end, that is all I'm gona be.

Alone.

You came into this world alone. You die alone in the end.

All you have is God and all you can do is wait for him to take you up.

Because between now and then, I am not quite sure what is worth it anymore. I've really just had enough.

I'm done God. How much tribulations can one person take?

You've broken me to the very core. I have nothing left.

But yet I shall still laugh and smile and pretend like life is a great joy. Because it really is for everyone. And I do believe that.

I just seemed to have drawn a short straw and have to live with the consequences.

As usual.






Good bye tata.

I will see you in heaven. :(

I love you.






My school is ridiculous.

Ridiculously awesome. :)






The beginning of the month-first day teaching. I know its a little late but the first week of school were Common Tests and then came Sabbaticals/Marking Days. So really, today, after 9 days at the new school, is my first official teaching day.

It was kind of a whirlwind to rush into my first class at first period only to find myself in a class of 21 boys and 5 girls. And this is an Arts class mind you. They are really good fun-or at least all my classes thus far have laughed at my jokes and seemed most approachable. They even talk to each other and to me, just like the way my friends do. I really am too young for this job I think. haha

Not everyone is so fortunate to have such a welcoming school environment and hilarious students. My two other History teachers are such gentlemen and have decided to let me take another 2 weeks to slacking while they finish up going thru Common Test answers and preping the kids for the next topic. Gosh am I floored. Talk abt a wonderful welcome. :) The timetable isn't too packed either and all my heads are incredibly approachable. It's almost surreal!

thank you Lord. Only you know what's good for your servant and I am so grateful to you. Only by grace. :)




"

Welcome

About Her

Lav is an idealistic yet pragmatic individual, who writes this blog as an avenue for others to have insight to her life, thoughts and aspirations. Often dramatic, quirky but all around entertaining, this hedonistic yet spiritual female often questions far too much more than she should. Perhaps her expectations are too high but she believes in the beauty of her dreams. Happy endings are not what she dreams of but fulfilled promises, mercies from God, martinis with wonderful friends, pretty frocks, quaint dinners, blooming flowers, popped collars and witty repartee never fail to captivate her. To her, life can only be lived forwards and understood backwards.

Wishing and Hoping For

A MacBook

A New Night Fragrance

A Black Tote Bag

Limited Edition Dior Lip Gloss

Massimo Dutti Shirts

Speak Now..Or Forever Hold Your Peace

Royal Entourage

Hz Kos Joe Ian Mel Rab Png Jon Eric Marc Tian Lina Faith Gilbert Debbie Eunice Felicia Marcus Jeremy Shirlyn Marcus Pauline Jerraine Xing Jian My Shining Stars

In Retrospect

Californication
The Ramblings of 2004-2007

Credits

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Brushes: Hybrid-genesis
Images: DeviantArt